- 4 days ago
Best Foods Comedy Gala NZ - Season Episode 1 - Part 1
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00:28Welcome
00:29to the 2026 Best Foods Comedy Gala. Please welcome your host, the one, the only, Dye Henwood.
00:50Look at you, it just warms my heart. Welcome along. We are going to have an absolutely
00:55wonderful night tonight. My name's Dye Henwood and I'm pretty excited.
00:59I'm pretty happy. It takes me quite a bit to get to gigs these days because a lot of people
01:07know I've been battling a stage 4 cancer diagnosis for six months. I do chemo, I do comedy, I
01:13did chemo last week. Now it's time to do some comedy. Let's have a bloody good night.
01:22A huge shout out to Best Foods. They've been with the New Zealand Comedy Festival for a
01:28decade. That's 10 years of their mayonnaise lubricating your loaves, ladies and gentlemen.
01:35I was on my first gala in 2002 and all I can remember from that is throwing up in a
01:43bucket
01:44next to you and Gilmore because I was so nervous about to come on stage and now here we are
01:49in 2026. We've got an amazing line up tonight, let me tell you that. And I'm just happy to
01:55be here. I was diagnosed, right, with cancer in 2020, the beginning of COVID. And I'm talking
02:02the good times of COVID. You know the beginning of COVID where it's like a nationwide sleepover
02:08and no one quite knows what's going on and you're all going to the supermarket like in
02:14a full hazmat suit and dabbing yourself down with wipes. I'm from West Auckland. I went to
02:20the New Lynn supermarket. I walked in, there was a guy in a wetsuit with a snorkel. Now I'm
02:30not a scientist and I don't know if a demeaning, whatever the study of diseases is, but surely
02:39a snorkel is just funneling whatever you're trying to keep out into your mouth. To his credit,
02:48it might not be COVID related because I saw him last week and he still were in the snorkel. So
02:53fair play to him. But COVID changed people, right? I had a neighbour who was an accountant
02:59and she went, nah, when COVID's over, I'm not doing accounting. I'm going to open a beauty salon
03:07and I'm going to focus on bleaching bum holes. And I was like, well, you can't sort of put that
03:14on a sign. It's a bit confronting. And she said, no, I'm going to call it changing your
03:19ringtone. That's Kiwi ingenuity right there. And it is a joy being out here sharing laughs.
03:31This time last year, I was sort of in and out of hospital and massive love to the nurses,
03:37the doctors, the interns, the orderlies, everyone rocking it in public hospital. Because when
03:45I went in, when I went into the emergency room, there was people from prison, people have been
03:52arrested and you've got to have like two cops with every person. So it's filled with cops.
03:57It's people handcuffed to everything. They're trying to get me into a room. They're wheeling
04:01this dude out, full face tattoos everywhere. Like, and, and not the good tattoos, you know,
04:08the more like, oh yeah, he's had an interesting life sort of buzz. And he's handcuffed, both
04:13legs, both arms. He spots me, he recognises me. He's brother. He's trying to throw me the
04:20most manacled mana wave I've ever seen in my life. Like, hey, brother, you got some TV,
04:27blah, blah, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. I'm in a wheelchair
04:35with this nurse who's, she's just come over from the Philippines. She's looking at him
04:40and looking at me and she goes, you're not in his gang, are you? I'm like, babes, I'm five
04:49and a half foot. I hate to think what role I'd be in a gang. I said, it's not a
04:55good one.
05:01And I've had to deal with more drugs than I planned on in my life. And I planned on quite
05:09a lot, to be honest, but these aren't the good ones. On this bowel cancer drug called
05:15cetuximab, which is, it's great for shrinking tumours, but it gives you insane sun sensitivity
05:22and spots and that. So, and I love the sun. I love being out in the sun. So to go
05:28out
05:28in the sun, my only fashion look was South Korean female golfer.
05:39Like I sort of had the huge visor, the arm guards, the mask, a nice little skort.
05:49As opposed to now, with the ferns and the Miami vice, it looks like I'm promoting Grand Theft
05:54Auto or something.
05:57It was there, but I was at a hospital, right? And I'm there. This is why you've got to advocate
06:01for yourself, right? Because things are moving fast. You're in a ward with people. This guy
06:06comes in, grabs my bed and goes, okay, Brian, we're taking you for your Botox. And I was
06:12like, hold on, I'm not Brian, but let's talk about this Botox option. Where are you doing
06:19it? And I was like, oh, just to release that nerve damage and so forth. And I was like, well,
06:24how about, could you do Botox in my testicles? It's just they're a bit wrinkly, you know,
06:30and I'm a bit of Botox that'd look like a tow bar.
06:39I'd get like one of those little trolleys from Mitre 10 and clip it on and pull my stuff
06:44around town and be phenomenal. But it's not all downside having cancer. I've never been
06:54given so much marijuana in my life. Like I said I was five and a half foot. I'm up to
07:0119 ounces. I don't know where it's going to go. Right. And I don't really want to smoke
07:06it because I've got bowel cancer, but it's only in my lungs. Right. I sort of got crazy
07:12bum lung situation going on. So I got all this medicinal marijuana, this like high strength
07:20stuff. And then I knew a confectioner going, I was like, can you make it into snakes or
07:25something? Got this gummy snakes back. And I chose to sample it last Halloween. We do
07:36the like one year, my wife takes the kids out. I stay home with the candy. And that was
07:40this year. I was at home waiting. Where are these trick or treaters? Where are these trick
07:45or treaters? Oh, I know. I'll try one of those gummy snakes. Tried the gummy snake. Nothing
07:53happening. 40 minutes later, ding dong. The second that doorbell went, the gummy kicked in. And
08:01when I say kicked in, I was on the runway. And then I was on the moon. There was no
08:08safety
08:13briefing. You know, there was no cassava chips. There's no fasten your seatbelt, put your hostess
08:22to their upright position. I mean, you'd trade table to their upright position situation.
08:30So I'm flying. I'm flying. Oh, the door. So I get down to the door. Right. I've got the
08:36lollies. Okay. Open the door. And I couldn't talk. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey,
08:44hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
08:55My mouth's like the Sahara.
08:57Right.
08:58Hey, kid, do you want some candy?
09:01And he's like, oh, I'm a courier, bro.
09:07Just sign for this?
09:08Oh, okay, sorry, mate.
09:10Then I went up to the kitchen,
09:13and I cooked a pizza on 25 degrees for 225 minutes.
09:23I slow-roasted a pepperoni pizza
09:25till it was melting off the base.
09:30It was delicious.
09:33Now we're going to get into this show,
09:35and you are in for a treat.
09:37He has come all the way from London, England.
09:40Please welcome to the stage, Emmanuel Sanumi.
09:58Oh, good evening, New Zealand.
10:00You guys well?
10:02Oh, very happy to be here.
10:04Straight off the bat,
10:05first thing you need to know about me,
10:07when I go shopping,
10:07I never try my jeans on before I buy them.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:26I can't feel my legs.
10:27They're like...
10:34They're like, how did you get them on?
10:35How do I get them off?
10:36That's the main thing, isn't it?
10:39I'm joking, I love these jeans.
10:40They're my favourite jeans.
10:41I've had them since I was seven.
10:42So these...
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48LAUGHTER
10:50Oh, God, I love this job.
10:51I haven't always been a comedian.
10:52I used to be a bouncer.
10:54What?
10:55No way.
10:56No, it's true, it was.
10:57I was like...
10:58I was a bouncer for years.
10:59I weren't very good at it.
11:00I couldn't...
11:01Do you know what?
11:01Funny thing is,
11:02people ask me,
11:03when I'm off the stage,
11:04they go,
11:04were you really a bouncer?
11:05You just make it up for comedy?
11:07I'm like,
11:07do I look like I'm making that up?
11:09Like...
11:10I look so much like a bouncer.
11:11I've thrown people out of clubs
11:13that I don't work in, right?
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16I weren't very good when I started.
11:17I was, um...
11:18I was 19,
11:19and I couldn't fight.
11:20I can now.
11:21I couldn't fight then.
11:22But I never...
11:23I never got taught to fight.
11:24I grew up in North London.
11:26And...
11:26Yeah,
11:27Bounce Green.
11:28Yes, I know.
11:29Well,
11:30shithole.
11:30So there's, um...
11:32It's not,
11:32it's lovely.
11:33I grew up in North London.
11:35You'll know,
11:35like most young men
11:36growing up in North London,
11:37I grew up with
11:38an insatiable passion
11:40for musical theatre.
11:42And...
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43LAUGHTER
11:45LAUGHTER
11:45LAUGHTER
11:48That laugh hurt,
11:49actually.
11:50There's, um...
11:51That's why I started a college.
11:53I started a musical theatre at college.
11:54I've done West End shows.
11:55I've done plays.
11:56I've done tours.
11:57I love...
11:57I love...
11:58I cannot express how much I love
12:00Fit.
12:00My favourite show's Annie.
12:02I love that show.
12:03Yeah.
12:03Yeah.
12:04I'm...
12:04No, I'm talking the original,
12:05by the way.
12:06The 1982 classic.
12:08Not that crap that Jamie Foxx did in 2014.
12:11I hated that show.
12:12That's the angriest I've ever been.
12:14And I've seen racism.
12:15That show...
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17LAUGHTER
12:17Was the worst show.
12:18I'm talking about the 1982 classic.
12:21The one with the little red-headed girl,
12:22and she lived with that old guy,
12:23and we thought that relationship was fine.
12:25Do you remember that one?
12:26Yeah, yeah, that one.
12:28That...
12:28That new...
12:28That new one...
12:29Do you know, I've actually...
12:30I can put it into worse now.
12:31This is how angry that new one made me.
12:33That 2014 monstrosity that Jamie Foxx did as Annie
12:38is the only time I've ever looked at an orphan
12:40and thought,
12:41Good.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:47LAUGHTER
12:50I regret nothing.
12:51Do you know, there's a...
12:53I love that...
12:54Do I do, I love theatre,
12:55but I've been thinking more about this now.
12:58I've realised something.
12:59If you take the soundtrack,
13:01take the singing and the dancing away
13:03from any musical,
13:05these films are really dark.
13:08Like, take away the singing and the dancing.
13:09Now, some of them are obvious,
13:11like Sound of Music
13:12has got some very dark undertones to it.
13:14But there's others,
13:15and I don't know any other way to say this.
13:17I think Mary Poppins is a drug dealer.
13:20Now...
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21She is.
13:22She's a drug dealer.
13:23I love that film.
13:23I grew up on that film.
13:24I know that film start to finish.
13:26I wanted to be those Banks children
13:29and have the same experience as them.
13:31Then I went to Glastonbury Festival.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34And I tried mushrooms,
13:35and I had the same experience
13:37as those two children.
13:39Yeah, do you know the bit
13:40where they go and tell Mr Banks
13:41what they've been up to,
13:41and they go,
13:42Father, we went to the park today
13:43with Mary Poppins,
13:44and we jumped into a magical painting,
13:46and then we got on a merry-go-round
13:47that could fly.
13:48And then we had lunch,
13:49and it was served to us by penguins,
13:51and then we had a tea party on the ceiling.
13:53I watched that film back now,
13:54I'm like,
13:55I bet those kids never left their fucking room.
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59I bet they were stood upstairs,
14:00peeled off their stupid little faces,
14:02just sat in the corner, dribbling,
14:04staring at a glove,
14:05and we called it magic.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:07Even the songs that are in that show,
14:09a spoon full of sugar
14:11helps the medicine go down,
14:13she gave them heroin.
14:14Do you know what I mean?
14:16LAUGHTER
14:16Yeah.
14:17Mary Poppins,
14:18that film is just train-spotting
14:20with choreography,
14:20that's all it is.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:22You guys have been amazing.
14:24My name's Emmanuel Snooby,
14:24thank you very much,
14:25and good night.
14:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:34All the way from Venezuela,
14:36say hola to Ivan Restiqueta.
14:46Hola, hola, hola,
14:48mi gente bella de Nueva Zelanda.
14:50¿Cómo están?
14:52Yeah.
14:55I like to start the shows in Spanish
14:57because I want people to know
14:58that I'm doing this in a second language.
15:00I did a show not long ago.
15:02We had a sign language interpreter on stage.
15:05I got to meet the guy before the show.
15:07His name was Kevin.
15:08I introduced myself.
15:09Hey, Kevin, nice to meet you.
15:11I'm Ivan, I'm from Venezuela.
15:12I'm going to start the show in Spanish.
15:14Kevin was like,
15:15I don't know any Spanish.
15:16What do you want me to do?
15:17Kevin, I have no idea.
15:19I'm just warning you,
15:20you do you, Kevin.
15:23I started,
15:24the host introduced me,
15:25all the way from Venezuela,
15:26Ivan Restiqueta.
15:27And I did my thing in Spanish.
15:28Hola, mi gente bella,
15:29¿Cómo están?
15:29And I look at Kevin
15:31and Kevin was like this.
15:41What a great guy, Kevin.
15:44So, yeah, I am a Latino
15:45and I have trees behind me.
15:49I feel like Bud Bunny
15:50in the Super Bowl.
15:52Nuevo Ayo.
15:54Okay.
15:54No, no.
15:56No, yeah.
15:57English is my second language.
15:58I've been living in an English-speaking country
16:00for 14 years
16:01and I'm still confused with this language.
16:03For example,
16:04I learned that nada,
16:06that's a word in Spanish,
16:07means nothing.
16:08So nada in English,
16:09nada in English is nothing.
16:10And I learned that word
16:11and then I moved to an English-speaking country
16:13and I learned the expression
16:15fuck all.
16:16Fuck all means nothing.
16:17That doesn't make any sense.
16:21It's got all in it.
16:24It's the other way around.
16:26Why you want to say fuck all,
16:27you can say fucking nothing.
16:30That's...
16:30English is the other way around.
16:32Like, going off
16:34means switched on.
16:38Imagine if English is your second language
16:40and you hear things like,
16:41oh, you should have been there.
16:42As soon as we turn the music on,
16:44the party went off.
16:49What happened to the party?
16:52Did the party went on
16:53or the party went off?
16:55I don't know.
16:56I learned English from a book.
16:59English is my second sandwich.
17:03It's so confusing.
17:05I bought a jar of pitted olives.
17:07I opened the jar.
17:08There was no pit in it.
17:10Zero.
17:11But they're pitted.
17:12Why there's no pit
17:14when they said they're pitted?
17:16Listen,
17:17if I have an olive pit
17:19and a kiwifruit
17:20and I jam that olive pit
17:21inside that kiwifruit,
17:23that kiwifruit is pitted.
17:30English doesn't make any sense.
17:32English is fucked up.
17:35Do you know that in English
17:36you can fuck up
17:37but you can't fuck down?
17:39You can get...
17:41In English, you can get fucked over
17:42but not fucked under.
17:45In English, you can ask people
17:46to fuck off
17:47but never to fuck on.
17:51We should say fuck on more.
17:54Fuck on makes sense.
17:57Officer, what happened there?
17:59Nothing to see here.
18:00Fuck on.
18:08Fuck on, fuck on, fuck on
18:11until you fuck off.
18:14You're so confusing.
18:15For example,
18:16English, one more,
18:17like put.
18:17Put, it's a verb
18:19that means to place something
18:20in a particular way
18:21or manner.
18:21Put.
18:22But it's so confusing
18:23because if you use put up,
18:25it means to tolerate.
18:27Put down,
18:28it means to kill
18:29a sick puppy.
18:33Put out.
18:35Aha.
18:36Put out.
18:38Put out is a different one, right?
18:40Put, I've learned
18:40that put out means
18:41someone is always open for sex.
18:43That person puts out.
18:44You should not say that
18:46because that's off-putting.
18:49Thank you so much, guys.
18:50My name is Yvonne Sergieta.
18:51Good night.
18:53She's so happy to be here.
18:55It is Angela Drabant!
19:10There's an assumption
19:11that fat women
19:12are good at sucking dick.
19:18Have you heard this?
19:20Well, spread the word.
19:29Uh, relax, relax.
19:32Um, I'm a mum.
19:38I didn't realise
19:40how saggy my boobs were
19:42until I saw my son
19:44trying to find a nipple.
19:46He was like...
19:57My body turned into
19:59a weird spot.
20:00Lift the flat book.
20:02Just...
20:02Is it here?
20:04Is it here?
20:04Is it under here?
20:05Is it behind the ball?
20:06Is it...
20:10He found it eventually.
20:12I was lying on it.
20:17Worst thing about
20:18saggy boobs is...
20:19I don't know
20:21if the milk is still warm
20:22by the time it gets to him.
20:26The best part is
20:27I can hang the washing outside
20:30while he watches TV.
20:35My son loves TV.
20:37He loves Miss Rachel.
20:38Do you know who that is?
20:39Yeah, I'm dressed like her, okay?
20:42It's...
20:43I hate that he loves
20:45watching her so much.
20:46He just gives her
20:47so much attention.
20:48And yet she's so lovely
20:50and optimistic
20:50and kind.
20:51I just...
20:52I just want Miss Rachel
20:54to lose her shit
20:55a little bit
20:56in the middle of the show.
20:58I just want her to be like,
20:59hey!
21:01Stop it!
21:06I just think
21:07she needs to lose her shit
21:08otherwise
21:08these kids shows
21:10are pretty much like
21:11porn.
21:13Just setting
21:15unrealistic expectations
21:16of women.
21:20I'm in the...
21:21Oh, thank you.
21:26I'm in the background
21:27like,
21:27she's faking it.
21:32She's doing this
21:33because she's getting money.
21:36She doesn't love you.
21:39I love you.
21:42Yeah, I have a strange
21:43relationship with my mum
21:44because my mum...
21:46my mum was violent.
21:48She hit us a lot.
21:50And I'm a different mum.
21:52Like, I know I'm different.
21:54Because when I raise
21:55my hand like this
21:57my son gives me
21:58a high five.
22:05I still hit him.
22:09He needs to know
22:10he's watching
22:11the wrong hand.
22:13Alright, thank you so much.
22:22She's one of
22:23Australia's finest.
22:24Give it up
22:25for Felicity Ward!
22:30Hello, motherfuckers!
22:33How you going?
22:34You good?
22:35Guys, I have some
22:36wonderful news.
22:38I am officially
22:39divorced.
22:39I'm divorced!
22:41Mate,
22:42I'm a divorcee.
22:44I'm French.
22:46Love saying I'm a divorcee.
22:47It makes me feel like
22:47I went to university.
22:48I didn't.
22:49Why else would I be doing this?
22:50I have no transferable skills.
22:53Now,
22:54before I got married
22:55I didn't date many people
22:56and I wanted to change that.
22:58So,
22:59in the last two years
23:00and this is going to sound
23:01like a joke.
23:01In the last two years
23:02I have been on dates
23:04with 50 different people.
23:0650!
23:07That's like a part-time job,
23:09isn't it?
23:10Some of them were work.
23:12Occasionally charity.
23:15I looked through the people
23:16that I dated
23:17and I'd like to tell you
23:18that my type in men
23:19is tall, dark and handsome.
23:21I'd like to tell you that
23:22but that would be a lie.
23:24Socially anxious autistics.
23:26That's my sweet spot.
23:28Real moth to a flame there.
23:30I'm like,
23:31I'm weird.
23:32They're like,
23:32I can make it weird.
23:33I'm like,
23:33close enough,
23:33get in buddy.
23:36I don't care how tall you are.
23:38You can be 4 foot 9.
23:39If you've got a special interest subject
23:41and you're weird with eye contact
23:42I'm your fucking lady.
23:45I like them worried.
23:50I started dating non-binary people.
23:52I started dating women
23:53for the first time.
23:54Yeah.
23:55And then I stopped dating women
23:57because I'm too old
23:58to learn a new skill.
24:02Humbling.
24:03Intimidating
24:04is how I would describe it.
24:05Very difficult
24:06going from being an expert
24:07in your field
24:08to a trainee again.
24:09Do you know what I mean?
24:11Obviously I'm talking
24:12about cis women here
24:13because we had
24:13the same equipment.
24:15Very different
24:15operating manuals
24:16I found
24:17and I was nervous
24:18and you can't hesitate
24:19with heavy machinery.
24:21You can't.
24:22You'll lose a finger.
24:23I
24:33I'm having a lovely time.
24:35I
24:36I don't know what happens
24:37with women.
24:38I can't flirt with them.
24:39I'm absolute dog shit.
24:40I lose my mind.
24:41This is a word for word
24:42text exchange
24:43of a woman
24:44that I was texting.
24:45We were texting one night.
24:46It was getting a little bit spicy.
24:47Not a lot spicy.
24:48Just a little bit spicy.
24:49Just above
24:50lemon and herb.
24:51And
24:55and so
24:56she texts me
24:57this is pretty good.
24:58She texts me
24:59and she goes
24:59you'll have to send me a photo.
25:02I can't imagine that.
25:03I'm a visual learner.
25:06What type of learner
25:07are you?
25:08And I said
25:09slow.
25:15We did not go
25:16on a third date.
25:19I met lots of people
25:20when I was dating
25:21who are polyamorous.
25:22They're into polyamory
25:23and as we know
25:23polyamory is a
25:24beautiful name for a girl
25:26and
25:28no
25:29polyam
25:29that was a fucking great laugh.
25:32So I just went
25:32ahhh
25:33anyway
25:34I should focus
25:35I'm on TV.
25:35Anyway
25:39polyamory is having
25:40multiple partners
25:41at the same time
25:42with the consent
25:43of everyone involved
25:44and I'm not polyamorous
25:45and I don't judge polyamory.
25:47I don't understand it though.
25:48It's the
25:49it's having multiple partners
25:50at the same time.
25:52Like
25:53like multiple
25:54at the
25:55at the same time
25:56like more than one person
25:58at like
25:59if you have a partner
26:00think about your partner
26:01and then think of
26:03three more
26:04of your partner.
26:05What do you want for dinner?
26:06I don't know.
26:07What do you want for dinner?
26:08What do you want for dinner?
26:09Are you busy Saturday?
26:10Are you busy Saturday?
26:11What's the sleeping arrangement?
26:12Are they in sleep
26:13bunk beds?
26:14That sounds quite good
26:15actually
26:16but it's
26:16how are they finding
26:18more than one person
26:19that they like?
26:20How are they finding
26:21one person
26:22that they like?
26:22Have you met people?
26:25Not for me
26:26honestly.
26:27Most people I met
26:28were very boring.
26:29I'm weird and intense.
26:30I know that.
26:31That's why I keep
26:31my hair like this.
26:33It's like a warning shot
26:34for normal people.
26:36They look at me
26:36and they go
26:37fuck that's hectic.
26:40Weirdos look at me
26:41and they go
26:41I could brush that.
26:43I've been Felicity Ward
26:44you've been lovely
26:45have a great night
26:45bye!
26:49Me oh my
26:50you're gonna enjoy this guy
26:52it's Tony Lyle.
27:00Emmanuel Sinobi
27:01just lint me his jeans.
27:13I have three kids
27:14I try to be a good dad
27:15my kids are great though
27:17I love them all
27:17but my second
27:18we've got a personal connection
27:19my daughter
27:20because I'm also
27:21a second child
27:22second children
27:22make some noise!
27:25Hear that?
27:26A classic
27:27second child
27:28overcompensation.
27:29Woo!
27:31Notice me!
27:33Please anybody
27:34notice me!
27:35It's sad
27:36we all just want validation
27:37that's all a second child
27:38wants is a little bit
27:39of validation.
27:40We'll do anything
27:40for validation
27:41anything from
27:41screaming out loud
27:42at a comedy show
27:43all the way up
27:44to dismantling
27:45the royal family
27:46by marrying
27:47Meghan Markle.
27:49We'll do anything.
27:51That's Prince Harry
27:51by the way.
27:52Well so remember that?
27:54Remember when everyone
27:54was like oh
27:55what a political
27:55what a
27:56I remember that
27:57like oh what a royal
27:58scandal this is
27:59the worst thing
28:00the brother
28:01of a future king
28:02could possibly do
28:03is marry an actress
28:04from America
28:06and then Prince Andrew
28:07was like
28:07we'll see about that.
28:15I do try to be
28:16a good dad
28:17though I do all the things
28:18like at the end of last year
28:18I went to the end of year
28:19prize giving assembly
28:20at their primary school.
28:22Sorry that was the gap
28:23for applause
28:23because that is immense.
28:25Do you know how hard
28:25that is?
28:26They are so long
28:27it is hours of kids
28:28I do not know
28:29get awards
28:29I do not give a shit
28:30about.
28:32There's so many awards
28:33at these assemblies
28:34I can when I was a kid
28:35we had like three awards
28:36we had an award
28:36for the fastest kid
28:37an award for the smartest kid
28:38an award for the kids
28:39who the teachers
28:40were like oh
28:41I don't know about this kid
28:41he's a weird little guy
28:42I don't like this kid at all
28:43he's a strange little ducky
28:44wears trench coats
28:45even in the middle of summer
28:46I don't know what he's capable of
28:47he's a weird guy
28:47let's give him an award
28:48keep him happy
28:49until he leaves school
28:50and never becomes one of the
28:51two deputy prime ministers
28:52of New Zealand
28:58and I think we know
29:00which one
29:02one of the awards
29:03at my kid's school
29:05was for best attendance
29:08that's nothing
29:10I don't want to sound
29:11like a boomer
29:11but the best attendance award
29:13is the final boss
29:14of participation trophies
29:17that's nothing
29:18imagine winning that award
29:18and running home
29:19and telling your mum
29:20go mum mum
29:20I won an award
29:21and she's like
29:22oh what did you get
29:23are you the fastest
29:24or are you the smartest
29:25and you're like
29:25no
29:26but I was
29:27there
29:30I was there
29:31the whole time
29:32I was never not there
29:34it's nothing
29:35surely at one stage
29:35even the teacher
29:36has to be like
29:36why are you always here
29:39why don't you go home
29:40does no one love you at home
29:42go home you loser
29:44and that award was given out
29:45at the end of the assembly
29:46and that particular kid
29:47didn't win any other awards
29:48which I find unacceptable
29:50because that means
29:51that kid was presented
29:52with more learning opportunities
29:53than any other child
29:55and can't pick up
29:56as much education
29:57as the other kids
29:57like it was literally there
29:58how can it not be as smart
29:59if anything
30:00when that kid went on stage
30:01to accept that award
30:02we as an audience
30:03should have actively
30:03booed that child
30:06because we know
30:06the incredible lack of potential
30:07they showed
30:11I can sense a little
30:12little attention
30:13in the room again
30:13I just want to say
30:14you obviously shouldn't
30:15boo a child
30:16at an interview
30:16the year prize
30:17given assembly
30:18I found that out
30:19the hard way
30:21after I received
30:22some particularly
30:22negative feedback
30:23from my wife
30:25after our daughter
30:26won the attendance award
30:30it's good to see
30:30a second child
30:31get some validation
30:31though
30:32my name is Tony Lyle
30:33you guys rule
30:34māte wā
30:40now it's time
30:41for one of the festival favourites
30:43give it up
30:44for Hu Huang
30:50hello
30:52hi Auckland
30:53I want to tell you
30:55something personal
30:56I really want to
30:57kill my grandpa
31:01right
31:01not to
31:03not because he's useless
31:04I want to preserve
31:05his dignity
31:05he's 92 years old
31:08and last year
31:09he had a stroke
31:09I was really sick
31:11you know
31:11sick about it
31:12I was like
31:12oh yeah
31:13I need to go home
31:14so I cancelled all my work
31:15I flew back to China
31:16straight up
31:17straight up to his bedroom
31:18I was like
31:18hey grandpa
31:19I'm back
31:20from Australia
31:21I'm here to help you
31:22to pee
31:25mom told me
31:26you have to pee
31:26every two hours
31:28well he didn't ask
31:29I offered
31:30right
31:31but he's just like
31:32so angry
31:32he looked up at me
31:33my mom
31:34my grandma
31:35we surrounded him
31:36like a pit stop
31:39three of us
31:40just like
31:40pee
31:40pee
31:41pee
31:41pee
31:42pee
31:42pee
31:42pee
31:44and he got so angry
31:45he refused to get up
31:47and I was confused
31:48I was like
31:48oh my god
31:49I'm here to help
31:50why you're not
31:50let me help you
31:51and my mom
31:52and my mom
31:52just put me aside
31:53and she was like
31:55hey
31:56your grandpa knows
31:58that you are not married
32:02he doesn't want his dick
32:05be your first dick
32:18I'm like
32:18I'm like
32:19what
32:21right
32:22like my grandpa
32:23is so cute
32:25he's so naive
32:28he thinks I'm a loser
32:31I'm not a loser
32:32but I can't tell him
32:34the truth
32:34I can't just go straight up to him
32:36tell him the truth
32:37hey grandpa
32:38don't worry about me
32:41I have had more strokes
32:46than your stroke
32:50because his stroke
32:51didn't kill him
32:52but my stroke
32:53will send him
32:54to say he's God
32:55right away
32:57which is
32:58cheer my mouth
33:02but I didn't do anything
33:03I went back to my bedroom
33:04I slept
33:05the next morning
33:06I saw him in the living room
33:07having breakfast
33:08he was so angry
33:10he was like
33:12how dare you
33:13I'm the man of this household
33:15I used to walk two days
33:17for a meeting
33:17how dare you want to say my dick
33:20as my granddaughter
33:22right
33:22well
33:23he didn't say that to me
33:24I read it from his eye contact
33:30and I know
33:31he want me to kill him
33:35so for the remaining four weeks
33:37in China
33:38I have been plotting
33:39and do some research
33:40how to end him gracefully
33:44I was inspired by the Australian mushroom lady
33:50but yeah
33:52my grandpa doesn't like
33:53like beef Wilmington
33:55so
33:56that's a no-go
33:58in the end
33:58I was like
33:59well
33:59knife is right there
34:02it's classic
34:03it's efficient
34:04and it's cheap
34:06so maybe I was just holding it
34:08dark
34:09in the night
34:10to his bedroom
34:12I just like
34:13grandpa
34:15grandpa
34:16blink once
34:18if you want
34:19want me to end this
34:21and preserve your dignity
34:24and then I realized
34:25he had really bad hearing
34:28right
34:29I'd be like
34:30crouching next to him
34:30grandpa
34:32grandpa
34:33and in that way
34:34my grandma's gonna wake up
34:36she has really good hearings
34:37and she's gonna screaming
34:38and scolding me
34:39for not punishing my knife
34:42and
34:44and then my parents
34:45gonna wake up
34:46everybody gonna wake up
34:47the only way for me
34:48to get out of the situation
34:49is
34:50to kill all of them
34:55I'm not sure about you guys
34:56I'm the only kid in my family
34:58I'm lazy and spoiled
35:00the thought about
35:01killing all of them
35:02clean up
35:03wrap up
35:04and lying on and off camera
35:06it's so much work
35:09that's why everybody's fine
35:12for now
35:14all class
35:15thank you guys so much
35:16bye
35:18give it up
35:19for Hwane Hotene
35:20te ora
35:26te ora
35:27hey
35:27I'm uh
35:28I'm Hwane
35:28Hwane Hotene
35:29it's a Māori name
35:31I'm Māori
35:35surprise
35:38interesting time
35:39to be Māori right now
35:41you know
35:41it's funny
35:41because like
35:42politically
35:42we're so conservative
35:44but like
35:44socially
35:45I think people
35:46are way more
35:46into te o Māori
35:47than ever before
35:48you know
35:48like I used to tell people
35:50like oh my name's Hwane
35:51and they go like
35:51oh that's a Māori name
35:52are you Māori
35:53and be like
35:53yeah yeah yeah
35:54you know
35:55but now
35:55it's interesting
35:56because I'll tell people
35:57oh my name's Hwane
35:59and I can see in their eyes
36:00they're not thinking
36:01oh this guy's Māori
36:02what they're thinking is like
36:04ooh
36:05somebody's taking their
36:06real classes
36:06quite seriously
36:13someone's about to do a pepeha
36:17with their mama and papa in it
36:23but you know
36:24that means I don't like David Seymour
36:26you know
36:31he's created some of the biggest tensions
36:33between peoples we've had
36:34in you know
36:35some decades
36:36I'd say
36:36you know
36:37and we should have known
36:38you know
36:38he was always going to be like that
36:39right
36:40like when we saw him
36:41twerking on lycra
36:42you know
36:43we should have known
36:44we should have been like
36:45that guy
36:46does not respect
36:48the Treaty of Waitangi
36:52I actually went to a kura kaupapa
36:54where everyone around me
36:56was Māori
36:56and it's cool
36:57it's cool when everyone around you
36:59is Māori
36:59because you know
37:00everyone is the same
37:01you know
37:02because we had kids in that school
37:03their parents were
37:04high court judges
37:05we had other kids
37:06their parents were in the gangs
37:07you know
37:07they were the same
37:09you know
37:09the only difference is that
37:10one of those kids
37:11he was just really good
37:12at drawing bulldogs
37:16and even the teachers were like
37:18oh these are some pretty good
37:19bulldogs
37:22don't know if I love that
37:23helmet they're wearing
37:28it's nice to be out here man
37:30I love being out and about
37:31you know
37:32I love being in the city
37:33I don't like being plugged in
37:34you know
37:34I like listening to what's going on
37:36I like listening to
37:37other people's conversations
37:38you know
37:39that's like nature's podcast
37:40you know
37:42I was listening to a couple friends
37:44talk to each other
37:45one friend said to the other
37:46they were like
37:46are you a morning person
37:47or a night owl
37:49and the friend replied saying
37:50I really like
37:52afternoons
37:56I was like
37:57I've heard that question
37:57a lot of times
37:58I've never heard the answer
37:59be wrong
38:00you know
38:05I was at a supermarket
38:06the other day
38:06and I was doing
38:07the self-checkout thing
38:08but I could hear
38:09the till worker
38:09was helping a shopper out
38:10and this guy was
38:11buying some lemons
38:12and the till worker
38:13was like
38:13hey
38:13do you know that
38:14lemons are not
38:15a naturally occurring fruit
38:16they're actually man-made
38:17so when they say
38:18life gives you lemons
38:19it was actually us
38:20that gave lemons life
38:21yeah
38:21and the
38:22yeah
38:23and the shopper was like
38:24well that's an interesting fact
38:25you know
38:25thanks for telling me that
38:26kind of went along his way
38:27and I was still doing my shopping
38:29and a second shopper came along
38:30and this person
38:31not buying lemons
38:33you know
38:33okay
38:33but halfway through their shop
38:35I could hear the till worker
38:36be like
38:37hey
38:37do you know that
38:38lemons
38:40you know
38:41so when they say
38:42life gives you lemons
38:42it was actually us
38:43that gave lemons life
38:44you know
38:45that second shopper
38:46kind of confused
38:47was like
38:48oh
38:48thanks for telling me that
38:50you know
38:50and it went along his way
38:52and uh
38:53and then I went home
38:53looked it up
38:54turns out
38:55not true
38:58well my name's been
38:59Juani Hortini
39:00you guys have been lovely
39:01have a lovely night
39:08please welcome
39:09all the way
39:10from Bristol
39:11Jessie Nixon
39:20oh
39:21hi guys
39:22lovely to be here
39:23I am indeed
39:24from Bristol
39:24England
39:25I'm pretty sure
39:26that my dad
39:27is actually
39:28Banksy
39:30because I don't know
39:31who he is
39:33just a sad one
39:34to kick things off
39:35um
39:36another thing about me
39:37and this is kind of grim
39:38is that I used to work
39:40in recruitment
39:42I know right
39:43it's a bad place to work
39:45it's a lot of slimy little guys
39:47medically low BMI's
39:48big chunky wristwatches
39:50and they all say stuff like
39:51we work hard
39:52but we fucking play
39:54harder
39:56like that
39:58and then they get their dicks out
39:59and they go like
40:03like they're guns
40:04and I don't know
40:04how to join in
40:05with the dick gun thing
40:06because I don't have
40:07the right artillery
40:08you know
40:08how do I get involved
40:09I could pull my tampon out
40:11like a grenade
40:12I don't
40:14get down
40:15woo
40:19they don't like it
40:20when I do that
40:24I'm single
40:28why the laugh
40:31I'm single
40:32I'm bisexual
40:32by birth
40:33non-practicing
40:35I broke up with my boyfriend
40:37weirdly because of the energy crisis
40:39because of the rising costs
40:41he could no longer afford
40:43to gaslight me
40:48but I am quite a romantic person
40:50like
40:50do you guys ever have it
40:51where you go into the forest
40:53right
40:53and
40:54a couple has like
40:55carved their initials
40:57into a tree
40:58I think that's so gorgeous
41:00right
41:00because it means
41:01there was two people
41:01out in nature
41:03in love
41:04and
41:05one of them
41:06had
41:06a knife
41:10I think that's lovely
41:11you know
41:12but I do think
41:13you have to look for love
41:14and I thought
41:15I found it the other day
41:16so
41:16I was at a bus stop
41:17recently
41:18because I can't drive
41:19because I'm queer
41:19and
41:22there was this kind of
41:23hot older guy
41:24a dilf if you will
41:25and he sat down
41:26next to me
41:27at the bus stop
41:27and he got out
41:28a pen and paper
41:29and he very lovingly
41:30started to sketch me
41:32and I got so excited
41:33because that kind of thing
41:34doesn't happen to me
41:35very often
41:35because I'm sort of
41:36like a six out of ten
41:37don't all get up
41:38at once
41:40I'm a six out of ten
41:41and that's fine
41:42by me
41:42they say you are
41:43what you eat
41:44I don't remember
41:44eating someone
41:45fucking bang average
41:46but here we go
41:46you know
41:48the thing about me
41:49is that in the past
41:51I would be a ten out of ten
41:52okay
41:53just picture me
41:54a bit part
41:55in the witcher
41:56stood behind the bar
41:57one of these kind of
41:58tit tops
41:58flag and a veil
42:00hello traveller
42:01like that
42:02is where I'm at my prime
42:03I'm what they call
42:04tavern wench hot
42:06okay
42:08yeah you see it
42:09you see it now
42:11right
42:11because it's not that
42:12you fancy me per se
42:14it's that you know
42:15that your ancestors
42:15would right
42:17yeah
42:18I know my vibe
42:19but I was at the bus stop
42:20with this guy
42:21and he's sketching away
42:22I went oh my god
42:23I'm going to go over
42:23I'm going to look at the sketch
42:25we're going to start our life
42:26together
42:26and I went over
42:28it was a scratch card
42:31nothing good ever happens
42:32I'm going to tell you
42:33even worse story than that
42:34okay and then I'm going to go
42:35so I went to a boy's house
42:36the other day
42:37for fuck
42:38okay
42:40and I was in the bathroom
42:41doing what we call
42:42in the business
42:43pre-fuck check
42:44okay
42:45yeah ladies know
42:46pre-fuck check
42:46I was in the bathroom
42:47doing pre-fuck check
42:48I saw that he had
42:49a weighing scales
42:50in his bathroom
42:51okay
42:51now for morale
42:54I do not possess
42:55a weighing scales
42:56but for whatever reason
42:57that night
42:58I just thought
42:59as a treat
43:00I don't know
43:03I would get on this scale
43:04before we proceed
43:05it's very important
43:06that I say
43:07if you've garnered
43:07any compassion for me
43:08over the course
43:09of our time together
43:10you must discard that now
43:12or you're not going to laugh
43:13okay
43:13and then I'll have to
43:15okay
43:17I got on the scale
43:18God knows why
43:19what did I hear
43:20in the next room
43:22ping
43:35yeah
43:37you better believe
43:38it was a smart scale
43:39and it texted him
43:40my way
43:43texted me
43:44old KG
43:44it didn't just text him
43:45my way
43:45it texted him
43:46hey James
43:47we here
43:48at my
43:49fitness pal
43:52are concerned
43:56that is my time
43:57I've been Jesse Nixon
43:58you've been gorgeous
43:59thank you
44:01next time
44:03Eloise Ephtos
44:05Guy Williams
44:06Roscoe McClelland
44:08Hayley Sproul
44:09Ray O'Leary
44:11Paul Ego
44:13Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:14Blue Wolf
44:15Blue Wolf
44:15Blue Wolf
44:16Blue Wolf
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