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02:54You're watching, Scythe?
02:59Is that a football question?
03:02Yes.
03:05No.
03:19So have you got this place and the house?
03:21Yeah, but I'm mortgaged to death.
03:25You try making money at hospitality.
03:27The house is thanks to my parents.
03:29I sold theirs and bought number five.
03:31So they were rich?
03:32What, do I look like Lord Struthers of Morningside?
03:35They just had a nice terrace house in Dundee,
03:38so I murdered them and got the money.
03:42Well, and then you got this place with Curtis.
03:44Yep.
03:45That is my punishment.
03:47I'm buying him out and it's taking forever
03:49because it costs a fortune.
03:50He still gets 20% of the profits,
03:51which is kind of 20% of not very much,
03:53but still.
03:55That bastard.
03:58I'm seeing him tonight, as a matter of fact.
04:02With his newly beloved.
04:05So this is the thing.
04:06Sometimes when you touch it, you get a shock.
04:10Oh, well.
04:11It's fine now.
04:12Typical.
04:13But when it zaps you, that fuse goes.
04:19This one.
04:19It trips.
04:20Is that the right word? Trips.
04:21I'm going to have to turn the power off.
04:23Well, I've got the office upstairs.
04:24I still need to work.
04:24Yeah, well, I can isolate that.
04:26When did you last get your condition report?
04:28Erm, November 25.
04:29We're up to date.
04:31So, who did you test for you?
04:33Aspreys.
04:34They charge 500 quid just for a visit.
04:37Yeah, I don't trust them.
04:40Do you know where they get their staff from?
04:42Aruba.
04:42Do you know where that is?
04:44The Caribbean.
04:45Exactly.
04:46I'm not being racist.
04:47Well, a little bit.
04:51I mean, think about it.
04:53Aruba.
04:55Who owns that?
04:57The Netherlands.
04:59And in the Netherlands, the mains wiring is 230 volts.
05:03And in Aruba, it's 127 volts.
05:05So it's two different systems.
05:06It's like a fire trap.
05:08And why do they do that, eh?
05:10Have two different voltages.
05:13Tesla.
05:14What, like Elon Musk?
05:16No.
05:17Nikolai Tesla.
05:18He was the man who invented ACDC.
05:21And when he died, the FBI took all his papers and they burnt them so no one could see them.
05:26And then Elon Musk named his company after him.
05:29It's no coincidence, is it?
05:31Meaning?
05:33Exactly.
05:34It's a mystery.
05:36When I was young, ACDC meant bisexual.
05:42Look, there's nothing wrong with this, but I need to get back here and strip everything away, all right?
05:47It's not going to cost.
05:48Well, it's all going to cost, isn't it?
05:50Well, you know, I'm not being rude, but you know what happens.
05:53You get an electrician in and they're like, oh, everything needs rewiring, and a job that was going to cost
05:57a hundred quid ends up costing ten thousand.
05:59Are you calling me a liar?
06:01No.
06:03Because the way people talk about work, man, nobody else would put up with it.
06:07Imagine if I walked in here, eh, and got a pint and said, if you watered this down, you'd get
06:12right on your i-horse, wouldn't you?
06:15Do you water it down?
06:16No.
06:17Well, that's your first mistake, isn't it?
06:19Paying your ex 20%.
06:21I'd start diluting it, mate.
06:23Huh.
06:24You're here early.
06:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:26This is Clive, the electrician.
06:27Hi, Clive.
06:28I'm Judy.
06:29Don't charge us a million quid, yeah?
06:35Nah, he's the one I told you about.
06:37Clive from next door.
06:39I met his son online, and I mean online.
06:41He's 16.
06:43It said 18 bears bottle.
06:45So what did you do?
06:46Oh, I fucked him.
06:47Oh, Leo.
06:48Get off.
06:49It was mortifying.
06:50Said he was zero meters away.
06:52Zero.
06:53He must have seen me, though.
07:00Cheeky little bitch.
07:02But I will be the one to block him, thank you very much.
07:04It's my street, and I was gay before he was even a single spunk.
07:08Oh, my God, now I'm thinking about his father ejaculating.
07:11This is such a terrible day, and to top it all, I'm seeing Curtis tonight.
07:17Talking of tops.
07:18What for?
07:20We're being civilised.
07:23Could you not talk to him, though?
07:25The lad, what's his name?
07:26George.
07:26What were we talking about?
07:27Morning, Z.
07:28Morning.
07:28Z, boy next door, 16, looking for sex online, lying about his age.
07:32Should Leo not have a word?
07:33His dad's downstairs, the electrician.
07:35But his dad doesn't know he's gay, so do not say anything.
07:38How do you know he doesn't know?
07:39Because George is alive.
07:41That's a bit of the 1980s.
07:42You'd be surprised.
07:44Times are changing.
07:45Not with this family.
07:46Trust me.
07:46You sit at home with a bad dad, and you're as closeted as ever.
07:49Why are you employing him, then?
07:50Could you just go and do some work, thank you?
07:53Are you mates with him?
07:54The boy?
07:55Why would I be mates with a 16-year-old?
07:57What would we even talk about?
07:59Bluey?
07:59No, I've hardly said two words to him.
08:01He's just like, oh, no.
08:02Oh, I don't know.
08:03Best not then.
08:04Don't take his side.
08:05Yeah, but I can see what he means.
08:07It's a funny line to cross.
08:08So, the kid goes online, hooks up, and gets murdered, and that's fine.
08:11Well, at least he wouldn't have died a virgin.
08:14Oh, power's back on.
08:16Hooray.
08:18It's weird, isn't it?
08:19How we know more about his son than he does.
08:22His wife said he had an affair.
08:24For real?
08:25In a caravan park.
08:27Like Jenny and Leon Gogglebox?
08:29Maybe it was Jenny.
08:31He's stoned.
08:33He can't hear us.
08:35He can't hear us down there.
08:37Can he?
08:37Of course not.
08:40Clive!
08:42Yeah!
08:48Nothing!
08:51I'll stop putting these back.
08:53Well, thanks, sir.
08:55Clive.
08:56Nice to meet you.
08:57I'm Z.
09:02What's that show for, then?
09:04It's not.
09:05I'm just Z.
09:06I chose myself.
09:09How come?
09:11I just did.
09:13It's a placeholder.
09:14Until I find the right name.
09:16I'm Hannah.
09:17My girlfriend chose it.
09:18She says it's delicate.
09:21How many have you rather?
09:24Morning, all.
09:25Okay, then.
09:26What have we got?
09:27No, no, it was straightforward.
09:29You just had a broken earth cable, so I just replaced it.
09:32Done.
09:33But?
09:34No, no, you're just unlucky.
09:36Put in a new cable.
09:37All done.
09:38Oh, okay.
09:39Great.
09:40Well, that's good.
09:42But?
09:43Oh, I knew it.
09:44How much?
09:45No, it's just this here.
09:47I mean, look of it.
09:48You've got the whole thing running out of one socket.
09:51You've got your sound system, your lights, your mic.
09:54What else is plugged in here?
09:56Smoke machine.
09:58Bubble machine.
09:58Foil wheel.
09:59Well, look forward to the inquest when you're all burnt to death.
10:02But look, I can strip away that wall.
10:04I can rewire it and put in five sockets.
10:06800 quid.
10:07All in.
10:08How long are we out of action?
10:09No, it just took me one night.
10:10I can isolate this wall so you can keep the bar open.
10:14600.
10:15800.
10:16All right?
10:17And that's final.
10:19It's not just the electrics, is it?
10:20You know, I've got to redecorate and patch it all in.
10:23So 800 gets you my lad in.
10:24My son.
10:25He's got level three joinery.
10:27So we can tidy it all up and then seal it off for you.
10:30How old's your son?
10:3125.
10:32He's got two sons.
10:35Why?
10:37What do you mean?
10:39Just you have two sons.
10:42So?
10:45Nothing.
10:47Why'd you say that?
10:50I just did because you have, haven't you?
10:56Does it matter?
10:59No.
11:03Okay.
11:04Great.
11:06Um...
11:07700.
11:08800.
11:09All right?
11:11And then we're, er...
11:13Disco.
11:26That's enough.
11:27I'll get started.
11:29Er...
11:29What did you get on the van?
11:31Two hours?
11:32Yeah.
11:32All right.
11:32Well, you better make it all day, haven't you?
11:34Your treat.
11:38See you later.
11:41See you later.
11:42See you later.
12:13I'm running late.
12:15Get a taxi in.
12:16Pick me up at 7.30, okay?
12:18Why are we having dinner with your ex?
12:20No fucking idea.
12:23Curtis and Maggie at home.
12:24At 10 o'clock we are leaving.
12:25Okay?
12:25Bye.
12:27He doesn't know what he's talking about!
12:29He's a shit player and he's a shit player, as I told him.
12:32I didn't know what he's talking about!
12:34He's a player!
12:35He's always having a fucking joke!
12:45I'm not in front of my dad, he's a married man, put it away!
12:48Hey, somewhere to park me bike anyway!
13:24Transcription by CastingWords
13:54Transcription by CastingWords
14:07Transcription by CastingWords
14:08Yeah, I thought we could catch up and have a chance to talk, you know.
14:11Talk about what?
14:13You know, things.
14:14Come on through.
14:28And he grabs my laptop and runs, I mean, he's what, six foot three, all muscles, I mean, he's only
14:3325 years old.
14:34So he runs like a gymnast, out the front door, gone, and I run, I run after him, into the
14:40street, then I hear this click, it's the door closing behind me, locked, and I'm standing there, absolutely naked.
14:47My God, no way.
14:48Yeah, I'm standing in the middle of the street, stark, bullock naked.
14:51I got to rescue him.
14:52Yeah.
14:53Did that really happen?
14:58All hanging out, for all the world to see, couple out of this.
15:06But that's it, because Trump is fixing the court so he can stay for a third term.
15:11Why not a fourth?
15:13Because you know what this is?
15:15The Dark Age.
15:18It's a new Dark Age.
15:20If I live for 30 more years, I will die before the Dark Age ends.
15:25This is it, now, for life.
15:28Oh, I've missed all this.
15:29Stephanie Soothsayer.
15:31It's a little bit doom-scrolling, don't you think?
15:34Maggie, you can't seriously say these are good times, can you?
15:38Oh, hardly, no, but I think we're in a state of panic.
15:41I don't think it helps.
15:44I panic, apparently.
15:45That's not what she means.
15:46I just think we can all worry, but we need to do something.
15:54So we are just sort of a little bit of good in the world, yeah?
16:02Yeah.
16:03That's what we wanted to say.
16:05It's not a big deal, we just didn't want you to hear it second-hand.
16:09We are going to Foster.
16:13We did the panel on Monday, and they've said yes.
16:15So, going to be foster parents.
16:18Oh, I think that's brilliant.
16:21Well done.
16:24Nice.
16:25That's amazing.
16:26Big changes.
16:28There's such a shortage.
16:29I mean, there is such a shortage.
16:31Although...
16:33Poor kids having to listen to you two.
16:38We're terrified.
16:40And we did try, but I'm 45 now, and that's not going to happen.
16:45And this is the next best thing.
16:47It's equally good.
16:48Yes, it's... exactly.
16:50Sorry.
16:52Mum and Dad.
16:55Here's to you.
16:56Congratulations.
16:57We need people like you.
17:01You get a lot of money.
17:03That's why we're doing it.
17:04Cold, hard cash.
17:05It's the only reason...
17:05It's just you never said, when we were together,
17:09you never said you wanted kids.
17:11I didn't back then.
17:13What changed?
17:14Nothing.
17:14I suppose I was a different person.
17:16Oh, no, you're better.
17:18No.
17:21Don't.
17:27Right, are we all done?
17:28We've got a lovely tiramisu.
17:30All good?
17:32I'll give you a hand.
17:45Look.
17:46Come here.
17:57Daddy.
17:59It might be a complete nightmare.
18:00I might regret every single second.
18:03You can't fuck up their lives, you know?
18:05Children.
18:08Because they'll have had a hard enough time already.
18:10They don't need to come into a house that's...
18:15austere.
18:17Oh, that's what I am, is it?
18:19Well, I was always the one who was a laugh.
18:21I mean, sorry, but our mates did not come round for a hoot with Curtis.
18:24Oh, yeah, you're so funny.
18:26It's just that you never said anything, ever, about kids.
18:29Jamie adopted, you never said a word, not a hint.
18:33It's like I never knew you.
18:35Except, well...
18:38I didn't, did I?
18:41You know, it's really stupid...
18:44since you left eating on my own.
18:50I'm sitting there, cut it up into little pieces.
18:52I eat, I put down the fork, I wash up.
18:55It's just all that ceremony.
18:57Okay.
18:58And then I shit.
18:59I shit and I eat.
19:01Might as well be a tube.
19:02That's my life.
19:03I'm a tube.
19:05Do you still have your key?
19:06Have I what?
19:07Your key to the house.
19:07Have you still got it?
19:09I don't know, maybe.
19:11I didn't formally hand it over.
19:12Why would you like me to?
19:13No, it's just like...
19:18You haven't been back, have you?
19:20To the house?
19:22Yes, it's just things keep moving.
19:26When I'm not looking, it's...
19:28I feel like I'm going mad.
19:29I come back home and it's like things have been moved.
19:33Like a glass.
19:35Or a bottle.
19:37A letter or a book.
19:39It's the wrong way round.
19:43I had a little bit less wine.
19:47And then I turned on the TV.
19:48You know when you turn on the TV, it goes to the last channel you were on?
19:50When I turn it on, it goes to channel 161.
19:52What the hell is 161?
19:57You're okay?
20:01Yeah.
20:02It's not me.
20:05No, I didn't...
20:06I didn't think it was.
20:08I don't really think there's anyone in your house.
20:13No.
20:17I've gone.
20:21Yeah.
20:23I've left you, darling.
20:25I've gone.
20:44You're okay?
20:46Yeah.
20:50Yeah.
20:51Yeah, yeah.
20:58No, no, no.
21:00Wait.
21:01I took the best bit.
21:02I took the best bit.
21:03Maggie.
21:04Sob story.
21:04Baron Maggie.
21:05What she said.
21:08Did that really happen?
21:10Oh, my God.
21:10Yeah.
21:11How to kill a fucking story.
21:12Did that really happen?
21:14Oh.
21:14Hardly.
21:15Hardly.
21:16She said that.
21:17Ooh, hardly.
21:19Downton Abbey.
21:21Hardly.
21:22Ah, that's why she snared him to be a mother.
21:25That's what she wanted all this time.
21:27I said so.
21:29You know what I'm going to do tonight?
21:31I'm going to get laid.
21:32I'm going to get fucked and battered and rimmed.
21:35I am so going to get rimmed.
21:37Did you know that Curtis has never eaten arson his entire life?
21:40Yeah, he did tell me.
21:42He don't eat it with some coriander.
21:44But tonight's the night.
21:48All right, my darling.
21:49Good night.
21:50Bend over.
21:51It's in Scotland.
21:55Ah, don't worry.
21:56I've only had two beers, so I won't turn up on over.
21:59This is Leo, my gay neighbour.
22:01Oh, if that's not offensive.
22:02Well, it is.
22:04So watch it.
22:07Don't talk to an employer like that.
22:18You little fuckers.
22:20Big fuckers.
22:22Hot, eerie, hungry.
22:30Yes.
22:31Come on.
22:52Found you.
22:53Hello.
22:54I'm Dave.
22:55I know it says Francesco on the app, but Francesco gets more results, so...
23:00Anyway, it's Dave, really.
23:02Yeah, hi.
23:03I'm Leo.
23:04And that's your real name?
23:05Yes.
23:05Good start.
23:06There's a lot of liars on that thing.
23:13Ooh, nice place.
23:16Thanks.
23:17Do you own it?
23:18I do, yeah.
23:21It's nice.
23:23And is it just you?
23:24Just me.
23:25And that is how it's going to stay.
23:28I'm afraid.
23:29Just me.
23:32I'm fine with being on my own.
23:35I didn't come round to marry you.
23:37No, but...
23:40I've changed my mind.
23:43I'm just not up for it tonight.
23:45I thought I was, but I'm not.
23:47You know when it just goes?
23:49You're kidding me.
23:50Sorry.
23:55Another one.
24:00You know I came all this way.
24:02Well, 662 metres, not that far.
24:06Piss off.
24:07I will.
24:09I will.
24:16Oh, fuck.
24:18Oh, fuck.
24:50Oh, fuck.
25:21Why don't you even show us?
25:23Bye-bye.
25:25You don't blame him. Your own friends treat you like shit.
25:30Yeah, you'd know.
25:31They might as well piss on the floor. I'm getting a truck!
25:40What's great?
25:40No.
25:40No, no.
25:44No, no...
25:45Hey.
25:46No, no!
26:06What was this, für Fade?
26:09Sure.
26:09No, no.
26:18Does your mum know?
26:25I want to know why you would look at something so disgusting!
26:44What's...
27:15Fuck you!
27:17Fuck off then!
27:19Fuck off kid!
27:20Alright?
27:40Fuck off!
28:18Oh, my God.
28:46Oh, my God.
29:13Oh, my God.
29:42Oh, my God.
29:47Oh, my God.
29:52Oh, my God.
29:56Oh, my God.
30:02Oh, my God.
30:05Oh, my God.
30:10Oh, my God.
30:21Oh, my God.
30:29Oh, my God.
30:30Oh, my God.
30:56Oh, my God.
31:01Oh, my God.
31:44Oh, my God.
31:48Oh, my God.
32:18Oh, my God.
32:48Oh, my God.
33:08Oh, my God.
33:38Oh, my God.
33:56Oh, my God.
34:24Oh, my God.
34:32Oh, my God.
34:43Oh, my God.
34:49Oh, my God.
34:54Oh, my God.
35:46Oh, my God.
35:51Oh, my God.
36:20Oh, my God.
36:23Oh, my God.
36:36Oh, my God.
37:15Oh, my God.
37:26Oh, my God.
37:47Oh, my God.
37:50Oh, my God.
38:21Oh, my God.
38:47Oh, my God.
39:28Oh, my God.
40:15Oh, my God.
40:30Oh, my God.
41:13Oh, my God.
41:21Oh, my God.
41:55Oh, my God.
42:19Oh, my God.
42:51Oh, my God.
43:09Oh, my God.
44:01Oh, my God.
44:28Oh, my God.
44:39Oh, my God.
45:03Oh, my God.
45:40Oh, my God.
46:29Oh, my God.
46:33Oh, my God.
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