00:01Here's the world's best friend, Mr. Bob Hope.
00:15Thank you very much.
00:17Say, it's wonderful finally being here with Dino, the James Bond of Psy Divorce.
00:23Now, he's been on my show several times, and I'm reciprocating.
00:27That showbiz talk meaning I'm getting even.
00:31And I'm thrilled to be here for him, because he's a handsome cat, isn't he?
00:33He's got so much hair, almost looks real, doesn't it, huh?
00:37It reminds me of a Neapolitan beetle.
00:41And I was surprised to find Dean here tonight. I thought he was in Houston.
00:48Every time I turn on the radio, that's where he's going.
00:50I don't know what he's got there, but I'd sure like to get some.
00:55And don't you love the way Dean works? So easy, so casual.
00:58He spends more time on his back than Floyd Patterson.
01:03I love watching Dean. He's a very relaxed performer.
01:06He makes Perry Como look like he's doing the Frug.
01:11Now, Dean's the most relaxed guy on television.
01:13Last week, he did a commercial for Hertz, and they flew the car up to him.
01:19Actually, Dean just looks like he's sleeping. He's got very thin eyelids.
01:24Come on. He sees everything. He really does.
01:27Do I?
01:27Now they want to use him...
01:30Now...
01:31Now they want to use him in those Jolly Green Giant commercials.
01:34How about that? Dean is the Jolly Green Giant.
01:37They figure if they get him before noon, they don't need any makeup.
01:44I'm kidding, though.
01:45Dean's actually one of the busiest guys in show business.
01:48He works in Vegas, he makes movies, records, has his own TV show.
01:51And he still finds time for his two hobbies.
01:54Golf and, uh...
01:57And, uh...
01:57I don't know, there's something else he does.
02:01Now, Dean's really a new man lately, which is just as well,
02:03because I think he wore the old one out.
02:06Incidentally, I'm not doing any booze jokes.
02:09Dean asked me not to do any jokes about his drinking,
02:11and I'd hate to do any about his not drinking.
02:17Because Dean's on a health kick these days.
02:19He drinks five quarts of milk a day.
02:21You should have seen him last night. He was really homogenized.
02:25Now, Dean really believes in vitamins.
02:27He recommends drinking carrot, cranberry, and sauerkraut juice.
02:31He doesn't drink it, he just recommends it.
02:34He uses it for a shaving lotion and has the healthiest beard in town.
02:39It really was an accident that got him on this health kick.
02:41He couldn't sleep one afternoon, so he got out of bed,
02:43pulled up the shade and screamed,
02:45What's that out there? Somebody said daylight.
02:49He gave him a sedative and put him back to bed.
02:52And, of course, you know, Dean is one of our better golfers,
02:55which may surprise you.
02:56He swings in the daytime, too.
03:00Dean's getting more hip into the ball.
03:02You've seen Dean swing.
03:04From the back, it looks like Gemini 6 and 7 rendezvousing.
03:09But I love golf.
03:10I ought to. I owe everything to the game.
03:12I was a $10 a week caddy in Cleveland
03:14when one of Sam Sneed's drives turned me into a comedian.
03:20And I've been happy ever since.
03:22And I play down the springs a lot.
03:24You know, they've got over 16 golf courses in Palm Springs?
03:26They have so many holes there that the gophers have to wear skis.
03:32It's a picture joke.
03:34I don't know why I'm doing it on television.
03:37But can you imagine a little desert town like Palm Springs
03:39with 16 golf courses?
03:41Just shows you what Lawrence of Arabia could have done
03:43with Desi Arnaz's money.
03:47I just got back from the Palm Springs Desert Classic,
03:50and all the top pros were there,
03:52and they were wonderful.
03:53They all gave me advice, but I won't quit.
03:57You know, I asked Arnold Palmer
03:58what I should do about my swing,
03:59and he said,
04:00why don't you just wait for Medicare?
04:04And you should have seen Phil Harris on the first tee.
04:06Blew on his hands, and they fell off.
04:13But the Desert Classic was a lot of fun.
04:15But the only star who didn't show up was James Bond.
04:18He didn't know it.
04:19We didn't know it at first.
04:20His golf clubs played three holes by themselves.
04:24James Bond.
04:26I was really cleaning up that.
04:28James Bond's toys, sporting goods, sweatshirts.
04:30The other day, I bought a James Bond hot water bottle.
04:33On the side, it said,
04:34Comfort Galore.
04:36Comfort Galore.
04:40And Bond really goes in for action.
04:42I saw a preview of one of his pictures the other night,
04:44and he shot four guys,
04:46and he stabbed three other guys and a woman.
04:47And that was in the lobby before the picture started.
04:51James Bond really lives the part, you know.
04:53Even his studio's afraid of him.
04:55The gate man forgot to salute Bond one morning,
04:57and his cufflink sprayed poison gas for ten minutes.
05:01And how about all those spy shows on TV?
05:04The man from UNCLE, Get Smart, Secret Agent, and I Spy.
05:08Remember when you used to watch television?
05:10Now it watches you.
05:13There's so many spy shows on television
05:15that Russia's demanding equal time.
05:18It's an educational joke.
05:21Now, everybody on television has a secret weapon.
05:23I saw one girl stab a guy with her eyelashes.
05:25They were tipped with curare.
05:30A rare poison found only on television.
05:34Another agent wiped out a whole gang
05:36with the atom bomb and his pivot tooth.
05:39An atom bomb and a pivot tooth.
05:41Can you imagine if you forgot during dinner
05:42and started poking around with a toothpick?
05:45The waiter said,
05:46How'd that mushroom cloud get over that steak?
05:49One agent had a marvelous secret weapon
05:51who wiped out two shows and another network.
05:55Cut the sign off decoration.
05:57As a result of all the spy shows,
05:59they're putting out some frightening weapons for kids.
06:01I think with just the toys we manufacture,
06:04we could wipe out the Russians.
06:06I really do.
06:07And remember the little daidi-dao?
06:08Now she spits in your eye and gives you a judo chop.
06:14And this spy stuff has really influenced the kids.
06:16My little nephew was over at the house watching television.
06:19I tried to change channels.
06:21He snarled,
06:21Touch that dial and I'll disintegrate you.
06:24He didn't scare me.
06:26I pulled my man from Uncle Pencil on him
06:28and froze him for three days.
06:32And how about those attache cases
06:35with the guns and poison gas and hand grenades?
06:37A guy walked into my dressing room
06:39with a case like that
06:40We held him underwater for ten minutes
06:42just to be safe.
06:43What a mess.
06:45How did we know he was selling Sarah Lee cookies?
06:50I got it.
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