- 14 minutes ago
Urzila S01E01
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00:13I'm not Christian. I'm not an ordained priest or anything. I was just being polite. I'm the
00:20one that's not all over me because you don't know how to cover your head hole. Not a Christian.
00:27No, you're a Christian. Well, at least now you know I'm not a Christian either.
00:47Oh, hello. How are you?
00:55You're a good looking crowd. Welcome to Ursula. This may come as no big surprise, but I get a bit
01:05worked out when people say unnecessary shit to me. I don't know if you're the same. Like anything can tip
01:11me over the edge.
01:11Like, you know, when you go to play with your card and when you go to tap, there's always some
01:1612-year-old with milk around the mouth that goes, um, it's not there.
01:20You've got to tap on the side. You go, shut the fuck up.
01:23I would have figured it out. The machine is this big. I'll tap you on the forehead a couple of
01:30times. How about that? How about that? You like that?
01:34But then I also, I'm the first one to put my hand up and say, yeah, I do suffer from
01:38early onset, Karen.
01:41Do you ever watch those videos and go, I don't see a problem here?
01:46We have to go check the comments to see what this poor bitch did wrong. Honestly, I am with those
01:52women. I am with those women 100% till they get to the homophobia and the racism.
01:57And I'm like, okay, I'm out. You're on your own, you weirdo. Cool haircut though.
02:07You've got your father's ears. Okay, I've got your test results. Please sit down. No, I'm good. I prefer standing.
02:15These are pretty serious results. Come on, honey, sit down. No, and you cannot force me. It's against my will
02:21and goes against the Geneva Convention. I know my rights.
02:24Okay, suit yourself. Firstly, how are the symptoms? Excuse me, none of your business. It's a privacy issue.
02:33As you can see, she's gotten worse. Lots of anger, public outbursts. We've been arguing with a lot of waiters
02:41lately.
02:41I know. I've seen the videos online. It's just menopause. Move on.
02:45I'm afraid it's much more serious than menopause. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've contracted early onset, Karen.
02:52No. Oh, no. How is this possible?
02:56I'm afraid the results are conclusive. Well, I tell you what. I want to talk to your supervisor.
03:01How long do we have? Not long, I'm afraid. As you can see, their virus has already spread
03:06throughout Ursula's internal organs. That's a mess.
03:10Well, this is all fine and dandy, but I don't recognise you as an authority to diagnose me.
03:19Look, we did your ancestry, and it turns out you come from a very long line of Karens. Look.
03:27What is this? Why are these women all so beautiful, but all so crazy?
03:36No. Is this me? Is this my future? What happened to them? What will happen to me?
03:45They're so beautiful, robust, but beautiful.
03:49I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't
03:59know.
04:07Should I be wearing a mask or something?
04:09You should be fine. We haven't seen the disease mutate, which is lucky because currently there's no cure.
04:15You have to do something. Yeah. Give me something right now.
04:18Okay. Take this number.
04:20Is this for a specialist?
04:22No. That's for the local council. He'll be calling them a lot to complain about the garbage ban.
04:27Even better. Thanks.
04:32You know, who knows? Maybe I can fight this, you know? I don't feel so bad, you know?
04:38Don't worry. We'll get you through this.
04:41Oh, nice, Ollie.
04:43Thanks, lady.
04:44Aw, sweetie.
04:46Well done, you.
04:52Oi!
04:53Can't you hurry?
04:54It says no skateboarding.
04:57There are children in play in this area.
04:59Somebody could get hurt.
05:00Oh, my God.
05:04Sorry.
05:06She's, she's on a period.
05:08No, not.
05:09Oh, I should have punched him in the head.
05:12It's not too late.
05:3110 grand.
05:34Oh, no, Donkey Decks!
05:36I need a mainstream TV idea that families can watch together and that advertiser can't be
05:43will love but more importantly will keep the cashola in my pocket and you pack a
05:49horse of the stripper pop so hit me with your ideas what have you got um I've got
05:54one the skin I was born in a heartfelt and honest documentary about body image
06:04and beauty standards in today's society we follow these brave souls on their
06:09journey towards acceptance wow show about fat people I love it well no yeah it's
06:18more a show about body image fat fuck island oh yeah I love it boss talk us
06:24through the idea okay so fat people on an island and potentially they fuck oh
06:35there's a lot of gut could be part of the contract yeah must fuck yeah I mean I
06:41take them out in the country fat farmer wants a fat wife that's great I think
06:49that's that's straying quite far from my mother I've got more she's cooking now
06:53married at fat side you don't know who's coming but you can hear him fat ninja
07:01warrior oh my god try and hold on to a rope am I right oh the fat singer who is
07:07it they all sing opera okay RuPaul's fat race the great British fat or how many
07:14people rolling a boy for a queer guy dumpy kind of dumpy yes I think we've gone a
07:21little bit I've got it fatty fatty fight club okay hear me out we put a whole
07:28bunch of fatties together all the way that they lose go into a tank okay and
07:33then once a week we get two of these jumbos to fight each other and then the
07:37winner gets to eat cake of course and the loser goes into the fat tank fat tank
08:06that's right you should be proud of yourself take this moment okay do you
08:11have any other amazing ideas Trish what about at the end if there's a ball pit filled with
08:19pudding and they have to have to eat their way out because they're fat I'm so sorry that you had
08:30to hear that
08:31shouldn't have said that Trish it's too much it's too much Trish I mean she said
08:36way worse this because I can't because you're fat Trish what because it is my
08:45lived experience I have that bra extension you don't see me pitching ideas on
08:50your tour my do you I'm not out here going hey guys how about we make a TV show
08:55about a ugly skinny hairy bitch it might be something in that boss I think that
09:05idea has legs yes ugly skinny hairy legs write it down yes Trish's legs
09:13airy and barren I guess don't mess with me in a meeting is all I'm saying can we just step
09:26to a more
09:26serious side I do want to talk to you about your health specifically mammograms
09:32all right now ladies we got them titties and you know you have to make like I'm not
09:41judging them that's not why we're here I'm not gonna get you to flop them out
09:44unless you're completely comfortable with that no okay just checking it's worth
09:49checking it's worth checking just run that past you all right no men I don't
09:55know if you know this but men can get breast cancer too this isn't a joke like
09:58it's true men could get breast cancer a lot of men don't know that so boys
10:02tomorrow morning when you're in the shower just for a split second we take your
10:05hand off your dick and just feel just feel that everything's all right there okay
10:13and you know what while you're going to the doctor for a mammogram why don't
10:17you get yourself a little smear and I know that is that is not high on the
10:21popularity scale things to do at the doctors you know you go in and always go
10:25take your clothes off and put the robe on I'll just wait outside for you all right
10:29no stay why would you go just stay here plus I don't take my clothes off anymore I go no
10:38you're
10:38all right I'll just pull my knickers to the side for you I'm gonna chuck it in
10:44trust me it'll fit if your doctor's not comfortable with that then respect them
10:50say hey don't worry about it I'll lower myself down on it
10:59all righty let's take a good look down there see what's going on
11:03you feeling okay no I feel like you're about to shuck my oyster
11:06right well you might feel some pressure you just scream out if it feels too
11:09uncomfortable at any point okay okay well in we go oh
11:17what what's wrong that's interesting what's interesting huh you have in my personal and
11:29professional experience the smallest vagina I've ever seen is it tiny oh my gosh and quite frankly
11:37petite that's amazing I don't think I was gonna hear that today can I get a second opinion on this
11:42I'd love it this is gonna make Mark's day hey Mark it's one of the boxes the best I ever
11:50oh whoa the whole gang's here I should have sold tickets to this show
11:55it's extraordinary I don't even see anything like it it's quite remarkable oh thank you
12:01what do you think that is officially the smallest pussy on record oh well done mine's mine's huge you
12:10know it is NASA I can hear it it sounds like the ocean excuse me I've got London on the
12:16line high
12:18good lord thank you it's a no oh fisherman what do you think it's so small I kiss it throw
12:32it back
12:32has anyone actually measured it it's a flawless melee decolor I have clarity but with a brilliance
12:38and sparkle beyond its weight wow what do you think designer of toys with many small moving parts
12:44it's basically a choking hazard oh you better keep Pinocchio out of there that boy tells one lie
12:53this is honestly the best day of my entire life right well now let's check the anus oh
12:59we don't need to do that oh my god oh my god guys it only looks big because my vagina
13:07is so small
13:14I like your hair like this thank you Bubby it's gorgeous words okay lovebirds welcome to your
13:21wedding cake tasting bon appetit I have been waiting for this day for longer than the actual
13:29wedding date gosh you know cake is my everything should we yes let's do it mmm that is to die
13:38for
13:39the best oh wow thank you ladies thank you it has been a privilege to bake for such a beautiful
13:46couple oh my god yeah but now for my favorite part the wedding cake toppers oh god I didn't sleep
13:56last night okay first up we have the lovely Lisa oh oh my god oh my god I love it
14:09and also do you
14:10recognize that it's your mom's wedding dress baby did you do that for me I didn't do that making this
14:16it was like carving the Venus de Milo oh thank you oh my god now your bride I'm so nervous
14:25now don't be
14:26nervous I am we have Ursula what is this why is it so heavy it's this thing made from lead
14:34this is
14:37hideous this thing is a hunchback of Notre Dame it should be living under a bridge and not be on
14:42top
14:42of a coach look I think she looks beautiful there's nothing in this that looks like me well this thing's
14:49got lopsided tits that's not me hey I love your lopsided tits look at the butt on this thing Kim
14:56Kardashian on this side Paris Hilton on this side it looks like a bulldog and a chihuahua trapped in a
15:02bag and why is this nose this size it's like half the faces nose and what is this white stuff
15:07in the
15:08front here did a seagull shit on it before he brought it out this is hideous okay all right now
15:14listen I've never once had a complaint well allow me to be the first now I have made a backup
15:19would
15:20you like to see it yeah thanks okay fantastic I think you're gonna like this one a little bit more
15:24ah what do you think of that we think that's you I wouldn't have thought so it's got the hat
15:35it's
15:35got the apron it it's even holding another little cake topper and it's cake topper hand would you look
15:41at that so is let's just see what it looks like yeah did we can work with this are you
15:55trying to
15:55muscle in on my marriage oh I see what's happening you want to steal my bride take it have it
16:02you live
16:03your lives and I will steal your cake can't steal something you've already bought oh babe I can see it
16:20now enjoy each other we'll leave did you guys watch the poo cruise listen my heart when people say you
16:40should do a comedy cruise I would rather run full speed into a fucking woodchipper why would you risk
16:49going on a cruise when the possibility exists that a crew member will hand you a bag and go henceforth
16:55you'll be shitting in that no thanks I watched that poo cruise thing and even if you haven't watched it
17:02you can figure it out poo cruise so you didn't have to watch two girls one cup you just know
17:09it's gross
17:13the thing that disappointed me the most about that poo cruise documentary is the fact that no one butch
17:20lesbian took control of that ship and went oh no one's shitting in a bag okay we're all gonna be
17:27shitting over starboard if you need to go for a shit just hang your ass over the side of the
17:34ship
17:34it's a little trust exercise with your partner they will hold your hands as you're shitting over the
17:40side of the ship and just watch your mouth don't be saying stuff like you're just like your mother
17:48one of my biggest passions in life is crime documentaries who loves a good crime documentary yes
17:55how good do you hear how that's a lot of women I think because even with me like I am
18:01slowly planning the
18:03perfect murder I reckon I'm about this far away from nailing it I just need to figure out a way
18:09to
18:09get my mother-in-law to my house without a paper trail to me oh kidding she's dead um just
18:19to me
18:19she's still alive to other people she's dead to me I got a job classic smash and grab being geist
18:34and
18:34to pull it off we need an elite team that's why I brought all you here Leah best safe cracker
18:43in the
18:43game I get in I'll get out like a ninja I can ninja Barker weapons specialist anyone gets in my
18:53way
18:56I get in this meals getaway driver McCain brothers muscle and lastly the brains to the operation
19:11this is Ursula hello boys how's it going who the hell is this now never heard of no Ursula oh
19:20I'm
19:20the mastermind of the operation popcorn anyone makes you think you're the mastermind simple I've
19:26watched every single true crime documentary ever made so I know how to get away with every crime
19:32bullshit you can't have seen them all I mean there's far too many mate I'm a stay-at-home mum
19:38I watch it
19:38while I'm doing my chores tell them what you know us I know how to rob banks and boost diamonds
19:44and
19:45swindle women on tinder I know how to lead cults and run pyramid schemes and kill people on staircases
19:51you name it I had a consult on the London job didn't those guys get caught yeah but they wouldn't
19:57have
19:58if they'd use their left hands to write the ransom note got that one from the jinx it's my favorite
20:03Ursula knows everything that's gonna happen before it even happens that's right I'll prove it easy
20:10usually on a hoist like this the day before one of the members just up and leave without explanation
20:16you know what the hell with this I'm out of here told ya and then someone in the team will
20:22just turn
20:22up deep and the murderer is usually someone you would least expect like a male family member that
20:32was him oh god she's good good we just lost three of our men who's gonna be our muscle it's
20:42gonna drive
20:42us bigger worry who's the rat rat rat well on a tight group like this one of you is normally
20:50a narc
20:51and then this group I'm gonna say it's you what what she's talking about boy oh my he's a cop
21:08really
21:23you know what it looks like cuz black soon back up really fucker how could you I knew that was
21:35gonna
21:35happen right so I'll kill the cop any advice well try not to leave any DNA at the scene and
21:42whatever
21:42you do do not go on a true crime docker and accidentally confess so embarrassing thanks Urs you're
21:47the best gotcha babe what are you doing Leo thought it was my friend and my mother oh yeah I
21:56forgot to say
21:56usually one of these things someone always falls in love wouldn't you say something are you kidding
22:02this is the best part did you come down Leo you put the gun down big dang
22:18my gosh best crime and wine night ever it's pretty exciting god I could kill for a finger bang I
22:25tell you
22:26what one of these boys still alive be a whole different night all right well I guess what we
22:35can take away from this is make sure you get your checkups go to the doctor go talk to your
22:41doctor
22:41but also make sure it's not a creepy doctor that'll bring 40 people in to look at your clacker but
22:47I
22:48must go now because I have to hop on a cruise so I can go join fat fuck Island
23:01and I apologize if this is coming on a bit forward
23:04sorry don't sniff you okay what's that
23:12it's another one thing we're gonna call it don't sniff the glove yo now for the cake top yes first
23:18things first
23:18I love the box even okay yes I even like the box with her next up Urshel oh my sorry
23:39I hate myself I
23:40hate you too it has been a privilege to bake I would like a privilege of baking
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