00:01You'd be in tip-top shape just like Will.
00:10Monday. I've come to a major realization.
00:14If there's a zombie apocalypse tomorrow, I'm the first one going down.
00:18I was watching this movie where the main guy fights off 50 ninjas with his bare hands,
00:24and it really got me thinking.
00:26I looked down at my arms, and let's just say they look less like lethal weapons and more like uncooked
00:33spaghetti.
00:34If I ever had to throw a punch, my wrist would probably shatter into a million pieces.
00:40I asked Mom if we could get a membership at the Iron Core Gym downtown.
00:44I told her it was an investment in my future survival.
00:48She told me I could get plenty of exercise by pulling weeds in the front garden.
00:53Obviously, she doesn't understand that you can't build massive biceps by aggressively tugging on dandelions.
01:00So, I had to take matters into my own hands.
01:04I decided to start a home bodybuilding program.
01:08The first step was finding heavy objects to lift.
01:11Manny's toy box was mostly plastic blocks,
01:14and Dad's tool shed was padlocked because of the incident where Roderick tried to build a homemade flamethrower.
01:21I ended up using two gallon jugs of milk from the fridge as dumbbells.
01:25I managed to do exactly three reps before my fingers went completely numb from the cold.
01:31Plus, Mom yelled at me because I accidentally shook one of the jugs so hard it basically churned into butter.
01:38Tuesday.
01:39Turns out, building muscle requires more than just lifting heavy dairy products.
01:45You need protein.
01:46I read online that real bodybuilders drink these huge, awful-tasting protein shakes to get bulky.
01:53We didn't have any actual protein powder in the house,
01:56so I had to improvise using what we had in the pantry in the fridge.
02:00I put a raw egg, a slice of leftover meatloaf, three hefty scoops of chunky peanut butter,
02:07and a splash of pickle juice.
02:09The pickle juice was just for flavor, but the final product looked exactly like toxic sludge from a comic book.
02:16Roderick walked into the kitchen right as I was chugging it.
02:20He stopped, stared at the blender, and asked if I was finally putting myself out of my misery.
02:26I wiped my mouth and told him I was getting ripped.
02:29I told him to prepare himself for the new, highly intimidating Greg.
02:34He just laughed and told me to flex.
02:37I flexed as hard as I could.
02:39I actually squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath until I saw little black spots swimming in my vision.
02:46When I opened my eyes, Roderick tapped my bicep with his drumstick and said,
02:51Careful, don't pop the bubble wrap.
02:53Ten minutes later, the meatloaf pickle shake hit my stomach like a cinder block,
02:58and I spent the next two hours barricaded in the upstairs bathroom.
03:03So much for the gains.
03:05Wednesday.
03:05Wednesday.
03:06I decided to focus entirely on upper body strength today, so I could at least look intimidating at school.
03:13I wore a tight t-shirt to accentuate my chest, even though it mostly just accentuated my collarbones.
03:20During P.E., Mr. Underwood announced we were doing the rope climb.
03:23Usually I just hang at the bottom of the rope and pretend my shoes are tied tightly together.
03:29But today, I was fueled by pure, unadulterated bodybuilding ambition.
03:34This was my moment to show everyone my raw power.
03:38I grabbed the rope, gave a mighty grunt that sounded exactly like a goose honking,
03:43and pulled with all my might.
03:45I made it exactly four inches off the mat before my arms decided they were going on strike.
03:51I hung there, vibrating violently for about ten seconds.
03:55The worst part was that Raleigh was next in line,
03:58and when it was his turn, he practically floated to the top of the gym.
04:03He yelled down that it's because he's been carrying around his dad's golf clubs all summer.
04:08I dropped back to the mat in total defeat.
04:11I tried to walk away looking tough, but my arms were entirely numb and swinging at my sides like wet
04:18noodles.
04:19I bumped into the gym doors just trying to push them open.
04:22Thursday.
04:24I woke up this morning and discovered a brand new level of human suffering.
04:29I looked it up, and it's called delayed onset muscle soreness.
04:33It is completely ruining my life.
04:36I physically could not raise my arms above my chest.
04:39When I went to the bathroom, I had to brush my teeth by holding the toothbrush completely still in the
04:45air
04:45and violently shaking my head from side to side.
04:48When I finally got downstairs for breakfast,
04:51Mom asked why I was eating my cereal like a T-Rex.
04:54I tried to explain that I was a bodybuilder in recovery,
04:58and that my pectoral muscles were repairing themselves,
05:01but she just sighed, slid a piece of paper across the table,
05:04and said I signed me up for the school's chess club.
05:08I've officially retired from the Iron Game.
05:11I've realized that being wimpy is actually an evolutionary advantage.
05:15Think about it.
05:16If a bear attacks a group of people,
05:18it's going to go for the guy with the most meat on his bones.
05:22Roderick is a much better snack than me anyway.
05:25I'm just going to stick to video games.
05:27At least the only thing getting cramped there are my thumbs,
05:29and I don't have to drink blended meatloaf to get a high score.
05:34I'm just going to stick to video games.
05:35I'm just going to stick to video games.
05:35I'm just going to stick to video games.
05:35I'm just going to stick to video games.
05:36I'm just going to stick to video games.
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