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wimpyofadiarykid
#diaryofawimpykid #fanfiction #funny

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🎈
Fun
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00:09Thursday. I am officially convinced that Manny is a criminal mastermind, and I'm the one serving
00:16his life sentence. For the past week, Mom has been reading this new parenting book called
00:22Listening to Your Toddler's Truth. Basically, the book says that kids Manny's age never lie,
00:28and if they say something happened, you have to take their word as absolute fact. Manny must have
00:34secretly read the dust jacket because he has weaponized this information against me. His new
00:39favorite phrase is, Bubby did it. It started small. This morning, I walked downstairs for breakfast and
00:46found Mom staring in horror at the living room wall. Somebody had used a thick permanent black
00:52sharpie to draw what looked like a cross between a deformed duck and a monster truck right above
00:57the sofa. Manny was standing exactly two feet away. He was holding the uncapped sharpie. His
01:04hands were completely stained black, and he had a smudge of ink on his nose. Mom gasped and looked
01:10at Manny. Manny, what happened here? Manny didn't even blink. He slowly raised one ink-stained finger,
01:18pointed directly at me as I stood in the doorway holding a bowl of cereal, and said,
01:23Bubby did it. Mom slowly turned to me, her eyes narrowing. I tried to explain that I had
01:30literally just woken up and that my hands were completely clean, but Mom held up a hand. She
01:35told me that defacing property is a sign of unexpressed teen angst and grounded me from
01:41television for the rest of the week. Manny just sat there, sucking his thumb and smiling at me around
01:46the edges of it. Friday. I realized today that I am dealing with a supervillain, and I need to start
01:54treating my house like an active warzone. I spent all afternoon hiding in my room, figuring that if I
02:01wasn't in the same time zone as Manny, I couldn't be blamed for anything. I was just settling in to
02:06play some video games when I heard a horrific gurgling sound coming from the upstairs bathroom.
02:11It sounded like a swamp monster was trying to digest a tractor. A few seconds later, water started
02:17seeping under my bedroom door. Dad came running up the stairs, taking them two at a time. We both
02:23pushed the bathroom door open. The toilet was overflowing, and the water was neon pink. Floating
02:30in the toilet bowl, along with what looked like an entire disintegrated roll of toilet paper, was Dad's
02:35expensive electric shaving razor and a mostly melted block of Manny's kinetic sand. Manny was
02:41sitting on the bath mat, happily splashing his hands in the pink puddle on the floor tiles.
02:46Dad looked like he was about to blow a gasket.
02:48Who flushed sand down the toilet? He yelled, grabbing his ruined razor out of the bowl.
02:54Manny looked up, gave Dad a sad, innocent pout, pointed a dripping pink finger at me, and squeaked,
03:01Bubby did it. Dad didn't even let me speak. He confiscated my game console on the spot,
03:07and told me I was spending my Saturday snaking the plumbing. I tried to argue that I don't even know
03:12what kinetic sand is, but Dad just muttered something about me needing to take responsibility
03:18for my destructive impulses.
03:22Saturday. I woke up today knowing I had to set up a sting operation. If nobody in this house was
03:28going to believe logic, reason, or basic forensic evidence, I needed raw video footage. I fully
03:35charged my phone and hid behind the kitchen island, waiting for Manny to strike. I didn't have to wait
03:40long. At exactly 10 a.m., Manny waddled into the kitchen. He was carrying a carton of eggs and a
03:46large container of Mom's expensive crafting glitter. I hid record on my phone. Finally, I thought,
03:53I've got him. Manny proceeded to systematically drop eggs one by one onto the pristine white kitchen rug.
04:00Splat. Splat. Splat. Then he unscrewed the glitter jar and dumped the entire thing over the slimy yolk
04:08puddle, creating a sparkly yellow biohazard zone. Just as I was about to jump up and scream,
04:14aha, my phone screen went blank. The storage was completely full because I forgot to delete all
04:20my blooper videos from last month. At that exact moment, Mom walked in holding a laundry basket.
04:25She dropped the basket. The thud made Manny jump. He looked at the mess, then looked at me crouching
04:32behind the island with a dead phone. He didn't even miss a beat. He made a ha sound and pointed
04:38at me
04:38and said, Bubby did it. I tried to show Mom the video, but since the phone was dead, I just
04:44looked like a
04:45maniac hiding behind the counter for no reason. Mom made me scrub the egg out of the rug with my
04:50own
04:51toothbrush while Manny sat in his high chair eating Cheerios, tossing one at the back of my head every
04:56time Mom looked away. Sunday. By Sunday morning, I had completely given up. I accepted my fate. I was
05:05going to spend the rest of my life taking the fall for a three-foot-tall tyrant. I decided the
05:11only safe
05:11place for me was sitting completely still in the backyard. But when I came downstairs, the house
05:17was dead silent. I walked into the kitchen and found Dad standing frozen in front of the open
05:22dishwasher. He was hyperventilating. I peeked inside. Someone had loaded Dad's prized vintage classic rock
05:29vinyl records into the bottom rack and ran them on the heavy-duty pots and pans cycle. They were warped
05:36into wavy, unplayable plastic taco shells. Manny was standing right there, holding a bottle of dish
05:42soap. He pointed at me and said, Bubby did it. Dad turned to me, his face completely red. He opened
05:49his mouth to scream, but then he stopped. He looked at the dishwasher, he looked at the records, then he
05:55looked at me. Wait a minute, Dad said, squinting. Greg doesn't know how to load the dishwasher. He thinks
06:02the dishes magically clean themselves. He doesn't even know where we keep the detergent. I have never
06:07been happier to have a reputation for being incredibly lazy. Dad slowly turned his gaze down
06:13at Manny. Manny realized his tactical error. He dropped the dish soap and tried to make a run for
06:19the living room, but Dad scooped him up. For the first time all week, the listening to your toddler's
06:25truth rule went out the window. I was finally cleared of all charges. Of course, Dad still made
06:32me help empty the ruined records out of the dishwasher because I should have been watching
06:36my brother, but at least I got my game console back.
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