00:00This holiday season, get ready for takeoff, when the Heffleys return for their most epic, romantic, dangerous, adventure ever, a
00:16family vacation.
00:18Tuesday. Mom has been talking about this magical family beach vacation for months.
00:23I think her definition of magical is a lot different than mine, mostly because her version involves us waking up
00:30at 3 a.m. to catch a flight on an airline I've never even heard of.
00:34It was called something like Discount Air.
00:37When we got to the airport, Dad was already sweating because our bags were overweight.
00:42Instead of paying the $20 fee, he made all of us open our suitcases in the middle of the terminal
00:47and put on our heaviest clothes.
00:49I had to wear three t-shirts and my winter coat just to get my duffel bag under the weight
00:54limit.
00:55By the time we got through security, I was sweating so much I looked like I had just climbed out
01:00of a swimming pool.
01:01The plane ride itself was a total nightmare.
01:04I got stuck in the middle seat between Mom, who was reading a giant parenting magazine about vacation bonding,
01:10and a guy who fell asleep before we even took off and started drooling on my shoulder.
01:16Manny was sitting in the row ahead of us, and he kicked the seat in front of him the entire
01:20flight.
01:21The guy he was kicking looked really mad, but whenever he turned around to glare, Mom would just smile and
01:26say,
01:26He's only three.
01:28Roderick, of course, had somehow faked a stomachache at the ticket counter and managed to get a seat by himself
01:34three rows back,
01:35where he put on his headphones and pretended he didn't know us.
01:38When we finally landed, I thought the worst was over, but then we had to take a rattling shuttle bus
01:44to the resort.
01:45Mom had booked this place because the website said it was a stone's throw from the ocean.
01:50Well, maybe if you have a literal cannon.
01:53We were at least four blocks away, right next to a highway.
01:56The hotel room had one king bed and a sad-looking pull-out couch.
02:00Manny immediately sprinted in and claimed the couch, which meant I was stuck sleeping on a little roll-away cot
02:07that Mom asked the front desk for.
02:09It felt like it was made entirely out of springs and rusty nails.
02:13Tuesday
02:14Mom woke us up at 6 a.m. today because she wanted to beat the rush and get the best
02:19spot on the beach.
02:21We had to lug about 50 pounds of beach chairs, umbrellas, towels, and a cooler down this massive hill and
02:28across the hot asphalt.
02:29By the time my feet actually touched sand, Dad was hyperventilating and looked like he had just run a marathon.
02:36I tried to just sit under the umbrella and read the comic books I smuggled in my bag, but Mom
02:41said we were here to make family memories.
02:43She forced Dad and me to build a sandcastle with Manny.
02:47Manny's idea of helping is just waiting until you get the walls perfectly smooth and then stomping on the whole
02:53thing while yelling,
02:54MINE!
02:55Then, Dad decided he was going to show off and go body surfing.
02:58I don't know what he was thinking because the waves were huge and he hasn't been to the gym since
03:03I was in preschool.
03:04He waited out there, tried to catch a wave, and got completely clobbered.
03:09He washed up on the shore a few seconds later looking like a giant piece of seaweed.
03:13He lost his favorite sunglasses and, for a terrifying second, I thought he had lost his swim trunks too.
03:20But the absolute worst part of the day was lunchtime.
03:23Mom had packed these turkey sandwiches to save money at the resort restaurants.
03:27As soon as she pulled the crinkly plastic wrap out of the cooler, it was like a silent alarm went
03:32off for every seagull within a 10-mile radius.
03:35One second, Dad was taking a bite of his sandwich, and the next, a massive bird swooped down out of
03:41nowhere and snatched the turkey right out of the bread.
03:44Manny started screaming because he thought the bird was going to take his pacifier next, and Roderick was just laughing
03:50so hard he spit out his soda.
03:52Mom tried to salvage the day by forcing us to take a family photo right then and there.
03:57So somewhere on Mom's digital camera, there is a picture of us where Dad is red with rage holding two
04:03empty pieces of bread,
04:05Manny is bawling his eyes out, Roderick is doing bunny ears behind my head,
04:09and I am completely covered in wet sand and seagull feathers.
04:13Magical.
04:14Magical.
04:15Magical.
04:16Magical.
04:17Magical.
04:18Magical.
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