- hace 1 día
Tras ser echado por homosexual, Richard obtiene el mismo cargo como la drag queen Bianca y vuelve con un plan perfecto para la dulce venganza.
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00:00:15Once upon a time, what seemed like a hundred years ago...
00:00:20Girl, it was not that long.
00:00:22Ahem.
00:00:23In a land far, far...
00:00:25Let's not get carried away.
00:00:28A new teacher was starting her first day of classes.
00:00:33She was mean and hateful.
00:00:35She had her reasons.
00:00:37Will you stop interrupting?
00:00:39I will if you start at the beginning.
00:00:41Fine!
00:00:42There lived a kind and decent man named Richard.
00:00:46This is an example of when many large thunderstorms come together and spin like a funnel.
00:00:52Who was perhaps the most awkward teacher in Manhattan?
00:00:55When is our regular teacher coming back?
00:00:58If you have a question, raise your hand.
00:01:01Now.
00:01:02Yes.
00:01:03When is our regular teacher coming back?
00:01:06Your regular teacher is coming back on Monday.
00:01:09We have two more topics left on our Time Warp Through Science tour.
00:01:13Okay, pay attention.
00:01:15Who am I dressed up as?
00:01:17My grandpa.
00:01:19Okay, you know what kids?
00:01:20This is...
00:01:20I'm just going to move things along a little faster.
00:01:23Our next stop through our Time Warp Through Science tour is...
00:01:27Get ready.
00:01:28Are you ready?
00:01:31Our next science genius is...
00:01:35Scary old lady?
00:01:36No!
00:01:38Marie Curie!
00:01:39This is boring.
00:01:41Can we talk about sex ed or something?
00:01:44I leave you with this.
00:01:46My favorite Marie Curie quote.
00:01:47The way of progress was neither swift nor easy.
00:01:51Remember that, my little scientist.
00:01:53See you soon.
00:01:55If they'll have me back.
00:01:56I'll have you back.
00:01:57I'll have you back.
00:02:28I'll have you back.
00:02:31Cheers!
00:02:34Cheers!
00:02:39Cheers!
00:02:48Cheers!
00:02:50Cheers!
00:02:51Cheers!
00:02:52Cheers!
00:02:52Cheers!
00:02:53Cheers!
00:02:54Cheers!
00:02:56enzymes!
00:02:56Amen!
00:02:58Oh, my God.
00:03:32Dear Mr. Martinez, blah, blah, blah, sorry to inform you that you were not chosen for this year's teaching ambassador
00:03:40program. Blah, blah, blah, please try again next year.
00:03:58So, I'm talking to my landlord, okay, and she's like, sorry for the construction, if you'd like to leave early.
00:04:05I'm like, the nerve, right? Like, I'm going to leave early? I'm going to leave when my lease is up,
00:04:10you sun-dried Barbie.
00:04:13Excuse us. Con-thro. We're late, bitch.
00:04:16I'm a long time. Must be hurt.
00:04:18You wear cheap shoes.
00:04:19I beg your pardon, I have large toes. Move!
00:04:22Hey!
00:04:25Shaka Convict!
00:04:26IDs!
00:04:28Oh, girl, come on.
00:04:30That's a chemistry joke, because I'm a chemistry teacher.
00:04:35Yeah.
00:04:38I wouldn't wait here if I were you.
00:04:40They're about to tell him that it's his last night.
00:04:43He totally bombed again.
00:04:45Hi, guys.
00:04:46Hi.
00:04:47Hi, Richard. You were incredible.
00:04:51Thanks.
00:04:53See ya.
00:04:55Don't try.
00:04:57She's bursting.
00:04:59I'm sorry we were late. We heard your show was okay.
00:05:02Worse than leprosy.
00:05:03I love leprosy.
00:05:04Shut up, girl.
00:05:05Did you do that mind bit we practiced?
00:05:06No, I wasn't feeling that bit tonight.
00:05:09Do you know what's worse?
00:05:10I even found out today that I didn't get that teaching position that I was telling you to about.
00:05:14What?
00:05:15Oh, dick.
00:05:15But we didn't want you to leave know-how.
00:05:16Well, listen.
00:05:17I paid $3,468.52 without utilities each month for that mouse-written shithole of an apartment they're going to
00:05:26kick me out of.
00:05:28Well, listen, sister.
00:05:29Now, you know this old nasty freeload bitch is still on my nice couch.
00:05:33It's a futon.
00:05:34It's a professional sectional.
00:05:36Anyhow, we should gas off the air mattress, baby, put it right in the living room.
00:05:40Freeze company.
00:05:42As much as I appreciate you two.
00:05:45I think I'm just a little too old for that, you know?
00:05:48And besides, I've been here 11 years and I got nothing to show for it.
00:05:51I just think inside, personally, I'm done.
00:05:54Just done.
00:05:55Yeah, maybe.
00:05:55Oh, you know, we're going to need some drinks, okay?
00:05:57Excuse me.
00:05:58Do you have the drink tickets?
00:06:00Yeah.
00:06:00The bird's nest bitch at the door sale.
00:06:02We're on her list.
00:06:03Okay.
00:06:08Oh, you know, we're going to need some drinks.
00:06:34Hello?
00:06:36Hello.
00:06:37Is this Richard Martinez?
00:06:39Yes.
00:06:40Hi.
00:06:40Who's this?
00:06:42Lawrence Taylor from the Teaching Ambassador Program.
00:06:45Oh, hi.
00:06:46How are you?
00:06:47Very well.
00:06:48I have some fabulous news.
00:06:51Oh?
00:06:51A last-minute slot has opened up in our program, but I just wanted to check you were still interested.
00:06:57Yeah.
00:06:58Yeah.
00:06:58I'm very interested.
00:06:59Good.
00:07:00It's in Milford, Texas.
00:07:01I think I actually have something in my mind.
00:07:05Okay.
00:07:06Obviously, we would supply you with first-class accommodation, fully furnished, beautiful area,
00:07:11landscape, backyard, sister to die for.
00:07:15I'll take it.
00:07:16Can I take it?
00:07:17Milford High needs a new science teacher, and your teaching certificate is endorsed in chemistry,
00:07:22but I just wanted to check that you were still available.
00:07:26Of course.
00:07:27I'm your man.
00:07:33Sucker.
00:07:37Well, that's the last of it.
00:07:39I'm going to miss you, boo.
00:07:41You too.
00:07:43Bye.
00:07:45Bye.
00:08:04Well, folks, it might not just be the best time to book that trip to Mexico, because it
00:08:09looks like the National Hurricane Center has updated Tropical Storm Bianca to a hurricane.
00:08:15First of the season.
00:08:16Stay tuned for updates.
00:08:17You don't want to miss this.
00:08:20Hey.
00:08:21Looks like I'm your new neighbor.
00:08:25Okay.
00:08:31You got to get the school, got to get the chick, got to get the chick out of here.
00:08:46Tiff, it's great.
00:08:48Bye-bye.
00:08:49Bye-bye.
00:09:05Hey, Shorty, now's not a good time for making a mess.
00:09:09You just told me.
00:09:10Superintendent's on her way. Make yourself scarce.
00:09:12Sorry, Miss Ward.
00:09:16Hi, I'm looking for the Vice Principal.
00:09:20She's in a mood.
00:09:22Okay.
00:09:27What are you still doing here?
00:09:29The nurse said that...
00:09:31Hit the road.
00:09:32What?
00:09:32Get out of here.
00:09:37What do you need?
00:09:38Richard Martinez, new science teacher.
00:09:41You're early.
00:09:42You must be Debbie Ward.
00:09:44Deb or Deborah. Never Debbie.
00:09:48Okay, Deborah?
00:09:49I just wanted to stop by to say hi,
00:09:51and maybe you can point me in the right direction.
00:09:54I'm not really sure.
00:09:55Wow, I love your purse.
00:09:57First of all, don't be late or early, okay?
00:10:00It annoys the hell out of me.
00:10:01Second of all, don't bother me.
00:10:02Third of all, leave the faggy ties at home, okay?
00:10:06Because nothing bothers me more than a faggy tie.
00:10:08Now, here's your lesson plan.
00:10:12Creationism?
00:10:12I mean, but I'm a science teacher.
00:10:14I don't have time, okay?
00:10:16Superintendent's on her way.
00:10:17Go upstairs, find Coach Chuck in the teacher's lounge.
00:10:20Second floor.
00:10:21Second floor.
00:10:22Second floor.
00:10:30Happy birthday to me.
00:10:33Ah, you must be Coach Chuck.
00:10:37Hey, ma'am.
00:10:39You delivering my tacos?
00:10:42No, I'm Richard Martinez, the new science teacher.
00:10:46I know.
00:10:47I was joking with you because you're Spanish looking.
00:10:49Oh.
00:10:50You want some cake?
00:10:51Ah, no, I'm pretty good.
00:10:52Pretty good.
00:10:52Don't be a sissy.
00:10:54Have a tip.
00:10:56Thanks.
00:10:58So this is the library?
00:10:59Mm-hmm.
00:11:00Pretty standard, really.
00:11:02You gotta check it out every once in a while for sleepers.
00:11:05Sleepers?
00:11:08Get out!
00:11:11Don't let me see that again.
00:11:14Well, now that you're in Texas, I recommend you get one of these.
00:11:18A diary?
00:11:19I don't think I need a diary.
00:11:20No, it's a little black book.
00:11:21Every woman, every number.
00:11:23I've gone through about three of these just this year.
00:11:26You don't have a phone to keep your contacts in?
00:11:29A phone.
00:11:30How do you mean?
00:11:36Let's start by discussing the origin of differences between men and women.
00:11:40Right across the hall from Carly Ward, Debbie's daughter.
00:11:43Ain't she a fox?
00:11:44Many social influences play a role in determining these differences.
00:11:48If you ever hear the kids talk about a someone named Miss First, you best tell me about it.
00:11:52Is that, like, another teacher?
00:11:54No one knows who it is.
00:11:55They say Miss First turns the boys into men.
00:11:57For their sake?
00:11:59God, I hope it's her.
00:12:00Um, this is the longest tour ever.
00:12:03And this is the grand finale.
00:12:06Oh.
00:12:10Dang.
00:12:12Hmm.
00:12:24Good morning, sir.
00:12:25I'm Keeley.
00:12:26And I'm Amber.
00:12:26Good morning.
00:12:27Hi, ladies.
00:12:28We brought you a little something.
00:12:29We just wanted to say welcome to Milford High.
00:12:32Oh, thank you.
00:12:34Chocolates.
00:12:34I love chocolates.
00:12:36Pop some.
00:12:37Sure.
00:12:38Amber's mom makes it fresh.
00:12:40Oh, please.
00:12:41Tell your mom I said thank you.
00:12:43Oh, I will.
00:12:44Now you ladies get to your seat before I eat the whole box.
00:12:47Enjoy.
00:12:50Ladies.
00:12:51Today is not the day to show off your ignorance.
00:12:55Get it together.
00:13:00Hi.
00:13:01I'm Mr. Martinez and I just want to let you know how excited I am to be here.
00:13:08Okay.
00:13:09Okay.
00:13:09Don't worry.
00:13:10I used to think the same things were just as funny when I was your age.
00:13:15Okay.
00:13:16Okay.
00:13:16Let's just get it all out of our systems now.
00:13:23Three, two, one.
00:13:26You know.
00:13:28Pardon me.
00:13:31No, it can't.
00:13:32I'm not feeling so good.
00:13:34All of a sudden, if you could just give me a minute.
00:13:36I'll be right back.
00:13:38Oh, okay.
00:13:41Keely, can I put you in charge for two minutes?
00:13:44Just two minutes.
00:13:44It's time.
00:13:49Okay guys, quick.
00:13:50Grab the camera, see some.
00:13:56Best behavior, baby.
00:13:57She's here now.
00:13:59It's so nice to see you, superintendent.
00:14:02It's so nice to see you again too.
00:14:07What the devil!
00:14:09Do you, uhh, want it to see me?
00:14:11We're too stunned.
00:14:13Where to start?
00:14:15You can start with why Richard left his class alone.
00:14:19Is she listening in?
00:14:21Yes.
00:14:21Richard, there's been a lot of people come in here and try out this job.
00:14:25And none of them's been as bad as you.
00:14:28I know these kids are a handful.
00:14:31There's only one thing keeping me from sending you back to the middle of nowhere where you come from.
00:14:35Middle of nowhere? I taught in New York City.
00:14:39You taught kindergarten.
00:14:40Mr. Martinis, you come highly recommended from the ambassador program.
00:14:46So I need you to help me help you.
00:14:51I can help these kids if you give me a chance.
00:14:55Will I be seeing you at the football game tonight?
00:14:57There's your chance to mingle with the rest of the staff.
00:15:01I'll be there with enough school spirit to fuel a jetliner, sir.
00:15:06Yeah, we'll see about that.
00:15:11Come on, Mavericks! Rip them off! Rip them off!
00:15:16Come on, come on!
00:15:17Come on, you all fumble me, you pussy!
00:15:19What's your name?
00:15:20Tom...
00:15:21Shut up! I don't care about your name! Get up!
00:15:24Get out!
00:15:25Get out!
00:15:25Get out!
00:15:27God, you're terrible!
00:15:28It's intense!
00:15:30There's something queer about him.
00:15:33I can't put my finger on it.
00:15:35Did you say he's from New York, Mama?
00:15:37He called him into my purse.
00:15:40So what are you saying?
00:15:42He's like some kind of a queer?
00:15:44Well, there's only one way to find out.
00:15:47You should go talk to him, honey.
00:15:49You think?
00:15:49Yeah.
00:15:50Show him Minnie and Nicky.
00:15:53A man can resist.
00:16:08Bitch!
00:16:12Why aren't you just hotter than Bark on a tree?
00:16:14Hey.
00:16:15Well, hello.
00:16:18I'm Carly.
00:16:19I was upset I didn't get to meet the cute new member of our staff today.
00:16:23Oh, well, that's very nice.
00:16:26Nice to meet you.
00:16:27So how do you like Texas so far?
00:16:30Well, everybody seems to be very welcoming, to say the least.
00:16:36We're gonna have to spend more time together.
00:16:39We're gonna be real great friends.
00:16:41I can tell.
00:16:43So, do you like teaching in Social Studies?
00:16:46Oh, yeah.
00:16:48Mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award.
00:16:51That's how the whole state.
00:16:54And this year, the winner gets 25 grand.
00:16:59Well, good luck for you.
00:17:08Hey, so now that we've been formally introduced, I'd like to introduce you to a couple of friends of mine.
00:17:14Oh, sure.
00:17:16Mickey and Minnie.
00:17:17Oh!
00:17:20Ooh!
00:17:23Andrew, he has $15 on that first chair!
00:17:30Now it!
00:17:33Richard, I'm gonna make you as quick a penis as possible.
00:17:37Of course.
00:17:37What's up?
00:17:38We're going to have to let you go.
00:17:41Excuse me?
00:17:42He said you're shit-canned.
00:17:43What is he doing here?
00:17:45Principal likes extra security in situations such as these.
00:17:48We feel...
00:17:49I feel that your situation will be a distraction.
00:17:54What situation?
00:17:58Found this on the internet.
00:18:01Single gay male seeks partner who enjoys laughter, music, long-term relationship.
00:18:09Where did you find that? I haven't logged into that for years.
00:18:12He ain't even going to deny it.
00:18:14I thought we had a deal.
00:18:15You may step in, sir.
00:18:18The school has strong bodies.
00:18:20Turn off includes self-centeredness and bad hygiene.
00:18:24Oh!
00:18:25We need to keep the children safe from those that participate in alternative relationships.
00:18:30You know, man on man, man on dog.
00:18:33You understand.
00:18:34Are you serious?
00:18:36One more word from you and I'm going to have to call it a law.
00:18:41See you never, flame sauce!
00:18:49Richard, Richard, Richard.
00:18:50There's very little I can do for a teacher who gets fired so quick into the job.
00:18:55I mean, come on.
00:18:56I'll go to Oklahoma, Kentucky.
00:18:57I'll go anywhere.
00:18:59Richard, darling.
00:18:59We have a waiting list of over a hundred people and right now, you're at the bottom of the pile.
00:19:05You can't tell me what they did was legal.
00:19:07You can't just fire somebody.
00:19:09It's perfectly legal in many states.
00:19:11Texas being one of them.
00:19:12Look, I have to go, but if you need any other help, just write a letter to Congress, okay?
00:19:22God.
00:19:25Siri, I need a drink.
00:19:45Hey, hey.
00:19:46There he is.
00:19:48How you doing, boo?
00:19:50Hey, I wish you guys were here.
00:19:52Oh, fastie.
00:19:53Ask him if you downloaded Grindr yet.
00:19:54No, I haven't downloaded Grindr yet, you whore.
00:19:58You just want to know how many gay cowboys there are on the Bible Belt.
00:20:02Wait, hold on.
00:20:03I'm going to put you on speaker.
00:20:05So, you guys are going to go to white party?
00:20:07I think it's racist.
00:20:08He ain't even invited me to go black party.
00:20:10She wouldn't think it was racist if she looked half-decent at anything here.
00:20:13I told you I have body issues.
00:20:15Do cardio.
00:20:16Okay, all right.
00:20:17According to Grindr, the closest gay guy is...
00:20:21Drum roll, please.
00:20:2330.
00:20:2330 miles away.
00:20:2530 miles?
00:20:26Oh, no, bitch.
00:20:27We got to get you up out of there.
00:20:28This is an emergency.
00:20:29We're coming to get you, baby.
00:20:30Where is she?
00:20:32Huh?
00:20:32I'm going to grab a drink.
00:20:34Love you guys.
00:20:35Mean it.
00:20:35Oh, bitch, hurry up and get changed.
00:20:37We have GPS.
00:20:38Try red.
00:20:39Do you have anything on sale?
00:20:43Oh, hello.
00:20:50Can I have a vodka soda, please?
00:20:54What?
00:20:55Really?
00:20:56Dry county.
00:20:58Wait, there's like no booze in the whole county?
00:21:01No wonder there's no gay people here.
00:21:04Just get them a club soda, will ya?
00:21:17Texans always come prepared
00:21:20I'm Richard
00:21:21Karma, Karma Johnstone
00:21:24Your parents must be a good time
00:21:26Why's that?
00:21:28Well, most parents don't name their children after Buddha's principles
00:21:31Would you prefer I had a normal name?
00:21:33Something plain like Mary?
00:21:35Mary's not plain
00:21:36Mary's angelic
00:21:38I know plenty of Marys
00:21:40None are angelic
00:21:42Mary was the mother of Jesus
00:21:44Someone were to ask me to bear the child of God, I'd have to say no
00:21:48You'd abort the baby Jesus
00:21:51Abortion is murder!
00:21:55Pay him no mind
00:21:57Listen, I host a radio show
00:22:00And I'm doing a promotion tonight at the Tin Room
00:22:03It's about a 30 mile drive, Rhode Island County border
00:22:06Do they serve real drinks?
00:22:08There's a bear shit in the woods
00:22:16I gave you a dollar, would you go away?
00:22:18Come on, let's go to the left end
00:22:19That's enough, Snake
00:22:22Thank God you're here
00:22:24Great show tonight, gorgeous
00:22:26Thank you, Jocelyn
00:22:27I'll have my usual and can we get two shots?
00:22:32Uh, no, no, no
00:22:33I can't drink
00:22:34Bad things happen when I drink
00:22:35Make it four
00:22:36Four shots
00:22:37Sure thing
00:22:38You're gonna kill me
00:22:39Ladies and gentlemen
00:22:40Please welcome to the stage
00:22:42Ambrosia Salad
00:22:47Guess what, ladies and gentlemen
00:22:49The Ambrosia Palooza is back in business
00:22:53I'm gonna need this
00:22:55Oh, what is it?
00:22:58And on tonight, prizes will be awarded
00:23:01For the best impersonation of the wonderful
00:23:04While they ever so drop-dead gorgeous
00:23:08Me, Miss Ambrosia Salad
00:23:12Well, apparently it's perfectly legal
00:23:14To do what they did here in Texas
00:23:16And in 28 other states
00:23:17I googled it
00:23:18My brother went to school there
00:23:20And he was terrorized
00:23:22Thinking I might want to do like
00:23:24A protest or something
00:23:25You know, peaceful, obviously
00:23:26Because enough people don't know about it
00:23:28You're outnumbered, baby
00:23:30That's why we had to drive so far
00:23:32To get here
00:23:33Well, I won't stand for it
00:23:36Ooh, that works fast
00:23:38Uh, where's the bathroom?
00:23:40We got any more volunteers for the contest tonight?
00:23:44No, no, no, no, no, no, not me
00:23:46Gorgeous
00:23:47Uh, what's your name, sir?
00:23:49His name is Richard
00:23:50No, I don't have a name
00:23:51That is not my name
00:23:52No, no, no
00:23:53I don't do this
00:23:54No, no, no
00:23:57Looks like we found our final contestant
00:23:59In tonight's contest
00:24:00Come on, karma
00:24:02Aw, bitch
00:24:33Oh, shit
00:24:34This just in
00:24:35The storm
00:24:36Which is about 1,300 miles from land
00:24:39Has reached speeds in excess of 75 miles per hour
00:24:44In fact, the NHC has categorized Bianca as a Category 1 hurricane
00:24:50Hurricane Bianca is gonna cause more problems than anticipated
00:24:55Now, we've got the latest from Del Rio, Mexico
00:24:58Where residents are preparing for the worst
00:25:21Good morning
00:25:23Buenos dias, senorita
00:25:26And what is your name, my young lady friend?
00:25:30Hung over
00:25:31Nice to meet you
00:25:33Hydrate
00:25:34Oh, thank you
00:25:39Not a very polite lady
00:25:42Well, that's because I'm a man
00:25:44I think gender is really just a social construct
00:25:47You know what I mean?
00:25:48Uh, it is far too early to be talking about things like this
00:25:52You know when I told you about my little brother that was terrorized in Milford High School?
00:25:56Yes
00:25:57I was talking about myself
00:26:00What?
00:26:01Growing up, I thought I was just a little gay boy
00:26:05But then I realized there was a bit more to me than that
00:26:10I would have never have clocked you
00:26:12I don't tell a lot of people, FYI
00:26:15But I figured after last night
00:26:17I could trust you
00:26:19Sure
00:26:20Oh, about last night
00:26:23I'm almost afraid to ask
00:26:26First you introduced yourself as Wilma
00:26:29Wilma shit stink
00:26:30Then you wouldn't give the microphone back
00:26:32Well, if you were really funny
00:26:34You wouldn't need me up here, would you?
00:26:37You know what's funny?
00:26:38Is that your name?
00:26:39It's Ambrosia Salad
00:26:40And it looks like you eat everything but a salad
00:26:43Fat
00:26:46Do I owe anybody an apology?
00:26:48Are you kidding me, Wilma?
00:26:51Everyone loved you
00:26:52You won the contest
00:26:58Crack let you go
00:27:00See you never, flame sauce
00:27:03Mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award
00:27:05The winner gets 25 grand
00:27:08Hi
00:27:33This just goes in the next 48 hours
00:27:36Hurricane Bianca
00:27:37The population is expected to strengthen and is forecast to become a Category 4 or a Pop.
00:28:13Hi. I'm here to interview for the science teacher position.
00:28:17What's your name?
00:28:19Uh, Bianca. Bianca Del Rio.
00:28:21Does the principal know you're coming?
00:28:23Of course, Debbie.
00:28:25It's Deb or Deborah. Never Debbie.
00:28:29Wow. What a gorgeous photo. Is that you, Deb?
00:28:34Teacher of the Year Ceremony, 1999. Such a proud moment for our school. First and last time Milford's ever won.
00:28:47What's next, Deborah?
00:28:48Oh, some wannabe teacher and a little retard who says he got beat up so he can get out of
00:28:53gym class.
00:28:54Forgive me, Deb, but is this school part of the NEA?
00:28:58The who?
00:28:59The National Education Association that's trying to remove the R word from American schools?
00:29:06Well...
00:29:06Especially when used as slang in a negative or derogatory context?
00:29:10Look, this particular student has been a problem at the school for quite some time, so just...
00:29:16Don't worry. They're only trying to remove the word, not the people.
00:29:20You'll be safe. That's not funny.
00:29:22It's not a joke. Just a statement. Just a statement.
00:29:39So...
00:29:39You're a cougar.
00:29:43I'm sorry?
00:29:44Houston University. Cougars.
00:29:46Oh! Yes! Yes! Cougars! Go Cougars!
00:29:50I grew up in Houston. Football scholarship.
00:29:54Impressive.
00:29:57Sir, there's a real long list of students that need to see you right now.
00:30:02Can we talk about something off the record?
00:30:05Sure.
00:30:05You're looking at your next Teacher of the Year.
00:30:09What makes you think that?
00:30:10Hiring.
00:30:11And you'll get a lot more than just a brilliant science teacher.
00:30:14I've got ideas, Wayne.
00:30:16Lots of ideas that can help more than just the science department.
00:30:19It can help the whole school.
00:30:23Are you extra for all that?
00:30:24My only reward would be the satisfaction that I gave back to a community that has treated me so well.
00:30:31I want to sharpen your pencil, Wayne.
00:30:35Disgusting.
00:30:36That'll work.
00:30:37Good.
00:30:39No.
00:30:40No.
00:30:41I can't believe you're doing this.
00:30:44Do you think she would wear this?
00:30:45I mean, I want to keep her classy.
00:30:47Richard, I'm worried about you.
00:30:49I'm worried about you, too.
00:30:51That you're not using enough moisturizer.
00:30:53I'm serious.
00:30:55I'm serious, too.
00:30:57That's why you're going to teach me everything you know.
00:31:00The fate of this school rests on your dainty little shoulder pads.
00:31:05Please tell me this is shoulder pads.
00:31:07Putting all this effort into this.
00:31:09Why?
00:31:09Because you're pissed off.
00:31:11You need to move on.
00:31:13I was pissed, but I haven't given up hope on these kids.
00:31:16They're not full-grown bigots yet.
00:31:18And all it takes is one teacher to change their lives.
00:31:21Who's it going to be?
00:31:22The one with the rodents on her boobs?
00:31:24Or that stupid Coach Chuck?
00:31:26Coach Chuck?
00:31:28Yeah.
00:31:29You know him?
00:31:30You could say that.
00:31:31Wait a minute.
00:31:34You like him.
00:31:36Absolutely not.
00:31:37You think he's dreamy.
00:31:39Stop.
00:31:40You like him, you want to marry him.
00:31:42I have a secret to tell you.
00:31:45Another one?
00:31:46So you know that I grew up as a boy.
00:31:48But what you don't know is...
00:31:50Why are you whispering?
00:31:52We're in your house alone.
00:31:53What I didn't tell you is the experience that I had growing up.
00:31:57Okay, you need to stop because this is freaking me out.
00:32:00Okay.
00:32:01So what I'm trying to say is...
00:32:03You're doing it again!
00:32:04This is difficult for me!
00:32:06You need to calm down!
00:32:10Coach Chuck is my baby brother.
00:32:18Is it a requirement in this town for everyone to be related?
00:32:22We were close when I was younger, but...
00:32:24I ran away after I came out.
00:32:27You're the only person I've ever told any of this.
00:32:31Let me get this straight.
00:32:33So Miss Cartoon Boobs is related to Little Debbie's snack cakes.
00:32:37You used to be a man, I'm dealing with my own identity issues,
00:32:40and now you're trying to convince me that you're related to Little Black Book and Titty Cake?!
00:32:44So you won't say anything?
00:32:46Who could I possibly tell that would believe this shit karma?!
00:32:54Is this the front or the back?
00:32:56It's a poncho, bitch.
00:33:10Please welcome, it's still real!
00:33:16Spear not queer!
00:33:17Spear not queer!
00:33:34Get some of that!
00:33:38What the? What? What on earth?
00:33:54She's not going to last.
00:33:55She might last longer than Professor Gaywad.
00:33:57I give her two days.
00:33:59I give her two minutes.
00:34:00Let's start with covalent bonds.
00:34:03Um, Miss Del Taco?
00:34:06Call me Miss Bianca.
00:34:07It's easier for you to pronounce.
00:34:10Um, when we have a substitute teacher,
00:34:12we always just get a study period.
00:34:14Oh, really?
00:34:15What's your name, sweetheart?
00:34:17I'm Keely.
00:34:18Keely?
00:34:19Well, I'm going to call you Bath Mat.
00:34:21Not because of that fluffy vest you're wearing.
00:34:23It's because I think you smell like feet.
00:34:28Bath Mat, you have detention after school.
00:34:31For what?
00:34:32Did you happen to notice your classmate getting beat up?
00:34:34Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.
00:34:36No, but you laughed and didn't help.
00:34:38It's just as bad.
00:34:39Detention, two hours.
00:34:42And you, detention all week.
00:34:44I had football practice.
00:34:46Not my problem.
00:34:48I love your outfit.
00:34:50Where'd you get it?
00:34:51Salvation Army?
00:34:53No, I got it from someone named Lady Gaga.
00:34:56Heard of her?
00:34:57What, like at a concert?
00:34:58No, like for friends from New York?
00:35:01Yeah, and Britney Spears is your sister.
00:35:04No, but Cher is my cousin.
00:35:07Bullshit!
00:35:08What's your name?
00:35:09Oh, wait.
00:35:10I know what we're going to call you.
00:35:11White trash that won't burn.
00:35:19Miss Dorito?
00:35:21Hey, James and the Giant Peach?
00:35:23Keep it down.
00:35:25You can't call me that.
00:35:27My parents are lawyers.
00:35:28Your parents are siblings.
00:35:30Now shut up!
00:35:33Look, we all pitched in and got these for you
00:35:36to welcome you to Milford High.
00:35:37Oh, how nice.
00:35:40Bath mat, pass these out.
00:35:43They're for you.
00:35:44Hand them out to the class, bath mat.
00:35:47I'm feeling very generous today.
00:35:49Miss Del Rio, may I have a word?
00:35:51Of course.
00:35:52What a lovely and unexpected surprise.
00:35:55Deb E.
00:35:57Outside!
00:36:14I understand you're new here, Miss Del Rio,
00:36:17but it is against school policy to feed the students.
00:36:19So that's why you're here.
00:36:21You smell food.
00:36:23I wanted to give this to you
00:36:24before you started your lesson.
00:36:27Creationism.
00:36:28Hmm.
00:36:29Now is this from the school board
00:36:30or your own personal collection?
00:36:32Well, we believe in teaching an alternative.
00:36:34Miss Ward, these opinions are far more religious
00:36:37than scientific.
00:36:38God created the universe.
00:36:40That's not an opinion.
00:36:41That's a fact.
00:36:42This is a science class, not a Sunday school.
00:36:45Let me make something very clear, Miss Del Rio.
00:36:48It is in your best interest to get along with me.
00:36:51Let me make something very clear to you, Debbie.
00:36:55I'm fucking this cat.
00:36:56You just hold the legs.
00:36:59Got it?
00:37:07Silence!
00:37:08Read Chapter 8 for tomorrow.
00:37:10There will be a quiz.
00:37:12Stay calm.
00:37:14There's eyelash glue in the emergency kit I made you.
00:37:17Oh, yes.
00:37:18I found it.
00:37:20There's also a disposable razor
00:37:21in case you need a touch-up.
00:37:24Nobody likes a hairy lady.
00:37:26You are a lifesaver.
00:37:27Thanks.
00:37:30You okay, pretty girl?
00:37:32Uh, yeah.
00:37:33Everything's fine.
00:37:36You know this is the men's room, don't you?
00:37:38God, no.
00:37:39Well, I don't, uh, I don't have my contacts in.
00:37:45So you're the new science guru?
00:37:47Uh, yeah.
00:37:48Today is my very first day.
00:37:50I'm, uh, Bianca.
00:37:51Coach Chuck.
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:53And good luck with that group.
00:37:54Yeah, they really are a handful.
00:37:56Yeah, like you weren't here last year.
00:37:59Two of my kids climb to the roof
00:38:00and make bets on who's going to hit the ground first
00:38:02if they jump.
00:38:04Shit.
00:38:05Well, they're fine now.
00:38:06But it was a mess.
00:38:08And you know what the French say.
00:38:10Mi casa is su casa.
00:38:15It means that's life.
00:38:18Yeah.
00:38:18You are so cultured.
00:38:21I'm sure I'll be seeing you.
00:38:22Sure.
00:38:32Let's go up out, Rex.
00:38:37Smells real good.
00:38:39Oh, it's honey gloss.
00:38:40Smells delicious.
00:38:42Tastes great, too.
00:38:45Woo!
00:38:46Touchdown!
00:38:47That's the wrong team, stupid!
00:38:54Ready?
00:38:55Okay!
00:38:55U-D-L-Y!
00:38:58You ain't got no alibi, you ugly!
00:39:00Yes, yes, you ugly!
00:39:02Woo!
00:39:03Oh, my God, ladies.
00:39:04That wouldn't ignite a fart.
00:39:07You think you can do better?
00:39:09Well, they can't get any worse.
00:39:11Will you shut up already?
00:39:12Will you?
00:39:14Come on, Maverick.
00:39:15Woo!
00:39:16Woo!
00:39:18Okay, ladies.
00:39:19You want to make this happen?
00:39:20Let me show you something
00:39:22that Miley Cyrus taught me
00:39:23in Amsterdam.
00:39:24Woo!
00:39:25Okay, I know, I know.
00:39:26Oh, shit, listen.
00:39:26So what you're gonna have to do,
00:39:27first down for the visit of Bison,
00:39:29leaving Milford trailer by four.
00:39:32Looks like, and I hope,
00:39:33the Maverick's hand is breaking
00:39:34into the losing streak.
00:39:35We'll be dashed.
00:39:36Tits up!
00:39:37Sparkle Neely, sparkle.
00:39:40You...
00:39:43One, two, three.
00:39:46Five, six, seven, eight.
00:39:48We are the Maverick girls.
00:39:50We wear our hair in curls.
00:39:52We wear our dungarees
00:39:53above our dirty knees.
00:39:55We wear no underwear.
00:39:57Check out our derriere.
00:39:59Woo!
00:40:00Woo!
00:40:01Come on!
00:40:04Oh, my God!
00:40:06Oh, my God!
00:40:09Holy shit!
00:40:11Touchdown!
00:40:18This is the first
00:40:19win of the season
00:40:20for the Mavericks.
00:40:22I shall not say touch.
00:40:24Oh, my God!
00:40:26Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
00:40:27It's going to be delicious!
00:40:44Another day with Miss Dorito.
00:40:48She's almost as hot as Miss First.
00:40:51Almost.
00:40:52Come on, you've never had Miss First.
00:40:54Neither of you.
00:40:56Frickin' Frack, this is not TV.
00:40:59I can hear you.
00:41:00So what do you say?
00:41:01I know a real romantic spot under the bleachers.
00:41:04Oh, please, I already gave to charity.
00:41:08Okay, shit stains.
00:41:10We're going to try something new today.
00:41:12Did everybody do the reading?
00:41:14Hmm?
00:41:15White trash?
00:41:17Muffin top?
00:41:19Man boobs?
00:41:21What about you, bath mat?
00:41:24Bath mat?
00:41:24Bath mat?
00:41:25Bath mat?
00:41:25What?
00:41:26Did you do the reading?
00:41:30Yes.
00:41:31Good.
00:41:32Then you're going to enjoy our little game today.
00:41:35Now everyone take out the volcanoes that I have prepared.
00:41:38Oh yeah.
00:41:41Now please put on your safety gear and follow my instructions.
00:41:45I am only going to ask once.
00:41:48Now remove the liquid bottles.
00:41:50And can anybody name the dark bottle?
00:41:53Nitroglycerin.
00:41:54Speak up.
00:41:56Um, nitroglycerin?
00:41:58Yes, nitroglycerin.
00:42:00Nitroglycerin is a colorless liquid that's used as an active ingredient to manufacture explosives.
00:42:07Hell yeah.
00:42:08This is a very, very interesting chemical.
00:42:11Now can anybody tell me what the second bottle is?
00:42:14Orange nitrate?
00:42:15That's correct!
00:42:17Orange nitrate.
00:42:19This chemical comes in a variety of colors.
00:42:23The interesting thing about orange nitrate is...
00:42:31Oh my God!
00:42:33What the hell?!
00:42:38Your face is orange.
00:42:41So is yours.
00:42:43Oh dear.
00:42:45You didn't happen to mix the two chemicals together now, did you?
00:42:50Was this a trick?
00:42:51Oh please!
00:42:52If you'd have done your homework assignment, you would know that orange nitrate causes skin discoloration.
00:42:57What?
00:42:57Who looks like a Dorito now?
00:43:02There you are, children.
00:43:04This is what happens when you don't do your homework.
00:43:07It's only gonna get worse.
00:43:13Bye, Miss Del Rio.
00:43:14Hey!
00:43:15I noticed you avoided most of the damage today.
00:43:18Oh, well, yeah.
00:43:19I mean, I actually read the chapter last week, so I knew the surprise.
00:43:22But that was still really awesome.
00:43:24Good job, Bobby.
00:43:25You know my real name?
00:43:27Who am I fooling?
00:43:28Of course I know your real name.
00:43:31Now tell me, what's going on here?
00:43:33Oh, I mean, I could say something, but I've already complained to Principal Wayne about a hundred times, so...
00:43:39What's the deal?
00:43:40They're these guys that follow me home from school a lot and call me names, push me down.
00:43:47You know, Bobby, sometimes people are douchebags just to make themselves feel better.
00:43:52It has nothing to do with you.
00:43:55Now, do you have keys?
00:43:56Keys?
00:43:57Like house keys.
00:43:58Do you have keys?
00:43:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:43:59I'm gonna show you a little trick my mom taught me when I was younger.
00:44:02Okay.
00:44:02What you do is, you make a fist, and you put the keys in between your fingers.
00:44:06Like Wolverine?
00:44:07That's it?
00:44:07And listen, this is gonna leave a mark you don't even have to hit that hard.
00:44:11Revenge at its finest.
00:44:12That's it.
00:44:13Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:44:15Okay, Bobby.
00:44:16Uh, why don't you just lead the revenge to us growing up?
00:44:18Yes.
00:44:18Okay?
00:44:21Hey, you're still real.
00:44:23Hey, Coach Chuck.
00:44:24Big win last night.
00:44:25Congratulations.
00:44:26I gotta say, I saw how you helped the girls last night.
00:44:29Cheers are really something.
00:44:30Yeah, it's amazing what the handicap can accomplish.
00:44:32You're funny.
00:44:33You should see me naked.
00:44:35Really?
00:44:36You know what, Coach?
00:44:36There is something I wanted to ask you.
00:44:38Some kids in my class were talking about Miss First.
00:44:41Who is she?
00:44:42No idea.
00:44:43Come on, Coach, you gotta know.
00:44:45If I knew, I would tell you.
00:44:46Can I ask you something?
00:44:48I suppose.
00:44:49Can I take you out sometime?
00:44:50No.
00:44:51I'm not like most of the guys.
00:44:53I'm not like most other women.
00:44:54So say yes.
00:44:56Alright, Coach Chuck.
00:44:57You wanna take me out on a date?
00:44:59You better bring your A-game.
00:45:01I'll be ready after six.
00:45:04I love it when they play hard to get.
00:45:28Girl, let's just say things are not turning out as I had planned.
00:45:32Are you okay?
00:45:33Yeah, you can tell us anything.
00:45:35We won't judge.
00:45:36Alright.
00:45:36Well, for starters, I got fired as soon as I got here.
00:45:39And then I had to start dressing as a woman so I could get my job back.
00:45:42Then I started lying to the children, telling them that I knew famous people so that they would like me.
00:45:46I mean, who lies to children?
00:45:48Wow.
00:45:48And to top it off, right now I'm at a roller skate ring with the football coach on a date
00:45:53and he thinks my name is Bianca.
00:45:56Hello?
00:45:57Work, bitch!
00:45:58Yes!
00:45:58Yes!
00:45:59Suck as dick.
00:46:00He's actually taking a leak and I'm trying to grab us some beers.
00:46:04Don't drink too much.
00:46:05Yeah, bad things happen when you drink too much.
00:46:07Oh, really?
00:46:08Coming from you?
00:46:09Don't try it.
00:46:10You remember that thing with the candlestick?
00:46:14I'll call you back later.
00:46:15I've got things to do.
00:46:16Bye.
00:46:16Okay, bye.
00:46:17Bye.
00:46:18Don't hit my phone hole.
00:46:19You don't pay my bill.
00:46:20Uh, we got a four.
00:46:21Change the channel.
00:46:22Oh!
00:46:24So I was going to take you to a stuffy fancy old restaurant, but I figured this would be a
00:46:28way more fun way to get to know each other.
00:46:29Well, I love this place.
00:46:31It's really adorable.
00:46:33It's more than adorable.
00:46:35It's really romantic.
00:46:38Uh, yeah.
00:46:39And it also gives us a lot of time to talk about that Miss First character.
00:46:43You still on that, Nancy Drew?
00:46:45Well, actually, I look more like Nancy Grace.
00:46:47But spill it, spill it, tell me.
00:46:50She's what you call a myth.
00:46:52Which means she ain't real.
00:46:53Uh, yeah.
00:46:54I know what a myth is, Chuck.
00:46:56Well, they say the myths first.
00:46:58Turns the boys into men, if you know what I mean.
00:47:00Oh, it's gotta be that Carly chick.
00:47:02She seems really trampled.
00:47:04What makes you think I know?
00:47:05Well, I would assume you would have her number in your little black book.
00:47:09How do you know about that?
00:47:10I mean, come on, Fred Flintstone.
00:47:12Who the hell carries around a book with phone numbers in it anymore?
00:47:15I only show that to folks I'm trying to impress.
00:47:17Well, you're really impressing me, Chuck.
00:47:20So tell me, do you have a big family?
00:47:23You are really, really pretty.
00:47:25You are really, really drunk.
00:47:27So do you have any brothers and sisters?
00:47:29I mean, it seems to be the theme down here in the South.
00:47:32I don't want to kiss you so bad right now.
00:47:34Listen, I'm trying to get to know you, you idiot.
00:47:37You know, you are mean as a snake.
00:47:39And I love that about you.
00:47:44Look, I'm already falling for you.
00:47:46Get up, you big oaf!
00:47:48Slow!
00:48:09Mother of Christ, we're late.
00:48:12What time is it?
00:48:14What's the matter?
00:48:16Uh, nothing.
00:48:17I just have the worst morning breath ever.
00:48:19Anything happen between us?
00:48:21I mean, sex-wise?
00:48:24Oh God, I hope not.
00:48:26Why would you say that?
00:48:29Because sex can ruin a beautiful friendship.
00:48:36Not if you're real, real good at it.
00:48:38Can you, like, put all of that away, please?
00:48:42You can hitch a ride with me.
00:48:44You need to take a quick shower?
00:48:46Uh, sometimes a lady needs more than a quick shower.
00:48:49Yeah, you do.
00:48:51All right.
00:48:56She's as crooked as a dog's hind legs, and you know it.
00:49:00And Principal Wayne knows it.
00:49:02I sure as hell do.
00:49:03She's worn out her welcome as far as I'm concerned.
00:49:06As long as I get Teacher of the Year nomination, I'm happy.
00:49:10I'll make sure of that.
00:49:11Don't you worry.
00:49:13We'll get rid of that skunk faster and shit through a goose.
00:49:18Mama, you don't think they're too big though, do you?
00:49:21You look beautiful.
00:49:22Come on.
00:49:38I knew it!
00:49:43I can explain.
00:49:44Shaving is a really, really good exfoliator.
00:49:46You think I'm dumber than a box of hammers, don't you?
00:49:50Yes.
00:49:50It's me, Richard.
00:49:51Yes.
00:49:52Richard from New York.
00:49:53Richard that everybody hates.
00:49:54Richard that got fired.
00:49:55You don't have to kneel.
00:49:56I can see you fine from where you were.
00:49:58I wanted to kneel.
00:49:59That's really condescending.
00:50:00My feet hurt.
00:50:01That's why.
00:50:02My feet hurt.
00:50:03It's not all about you.
00:50:03Fine.
00:50:04I know this is going to sound crazy, but after they got rid of me,
00:50:07who are they going to get to teach these kids?
00:50:09Carly?
00:50:10Everyone thinks she's sweet, but she's just as much of a jerk as her mom.
00:50:13You notice that too, huh?
00:50:15I notice everything.
00:50:16Do me a favor.
00:50:17Keep your eye on her and let me know if she's got any funny business going on.
00:50:21You can count on me, sir.
00:50:24Oh, cute.
00:50:25Real cute.
00:50:26Why don't you go mop the yellow brick road or something?
00:50:29To celebrate today being a half day of school, we're going to play a little game.
00:50:36And here we go.
00:50:37Who can name the substance that cells use as an immediate source of energy?
00:50:45Keely?
00:50:47I wasn't raising my hand.
00:50:48Did you do the homework?
00:50:50Yeah.
00:50:51I just don't know the answer.
00:50:52Come on up here, Keely.
00:50:54Come on.
00:50:57Right here.
00:50:58Why didn't you complete the assignment, Bath Matt?
00:51:02Um...
00:51:02Now, come here.
00:51:03Stand closer.
00:51:04Closer so I look prettier.
00:51:06Now, what did you do last night?
00:51:08She went to a college party.
00:51:10Oh, really?
00:51:12How was that?
00:51:14Uh, the pool was filthy and the music was horrible.
00:51:17And that's worse than terrible and horrible combined.
00:51:20Sounds horrible.
00:51:21Uh, horrible.
00:51:22Hmm.
00:51:22I think the real question is, what did you do last night, Miss Del Rio?
00:51:25Coach Chuck said you were grade A.
00:51:29Get up here!
00:51:33Now look at me.
00:51:35Come here.
00:51:35Now look at me.
00:51:36Both eyes.
00:51:37Bring that lazy one around.
00:51:39There we go.
00:51:40There we go.
00:51:42Tell me, big man.
00:51:43What happened to your face?
00:51:45Oh, uh...
00:51:47My girlfriend got a little wild last night.
00:51:49Yeah!
00:51:50Yeah, whatever.
00:51:51Okay, listen.
00:51:52Question is, what is the cause of most infectious diseases?
00:51:57Oh, I know this one.
00:51:57Raise your hand.
00:52:00Keely?
00:52:02Microorganisms?
00:52:03Mmm, pollutants.
00:52:04And Keely is correct!
00:52:06Yay!
00:52:06Now for a closer look into more microorganisms, you could read page 43 or just look into Tommy's pants.
00:52:17What?
00:52:20It's a joke for you, Keely.
00:52:27You need a ride home?
00:52:28Uh, no, I'm okay.
00:52:30I have a friend picking me up.
00:52:31Thanks.
00:52:32I had a real good time last night.
00:52:35Yeah, uh, me too.
00:52:38Oh, you know what?
00:52:39That's her.
00:52:40Gotta go.
00:52:40Bye!
00:52:47Bye!
00:52:48What the fucking fuck?
00:52:51It's not what it looks like.
00:52:52Are you sleeping with my brother?
00:52:55No!
00:52:56Gross!
00:52:58No!
00:52:59I'm just messing with his head.
00:53:01Can I trust you to stay away from my brother?
00:53:04Maybe you should talk to him.
00:53:06He might be a really cool guy for all you know.
00:53:08You have no idea.
00:53:10Just don't worry about it.
00:53:12He teaches right across the hall.
00:53:14If you ever.
00:53:16Okay, fine.
00:53:18I will not talk about him.
00:53:19I will not talk about you.
00:53:20Or that hat.
00:53:23Drive!
00:53:26Shut!
00:53:31So, um, are you from around this area?
00:53:33Yeah, a few miles outside of Milford.
00:53:35I really like it here.
00:53:37It's rather charming.
00:53:38I'm trying to convince my brother to come down and visit sometime.
00:53:40Oh, yeah?
00:53:41Yeah, but, um, he's gay.
00:53:45Oh.
00:53:46Well, you know it's getting better down here.
00:53:48Used to be real bad for gay dudes.
00:53:49Hmm.
00:53:50Do, uh, you have any siblings?
00:53:56Can I tell you a secret?
00:53:57Sure.
00:53:59I had a gay brother, too, growing up.
00:54:01Used to get beat up a lot.
00:54:03Must have been a real chick magnet for you.
00:54:05I never thought about that.
00:54:07It's not like I went to gay bars with him or nothing.
00:54:10I would have.
00:54:11I just get annoyed getting hit all by dudes.
00:54:13But I guess it comes with the territory having to ask this good.
00:54:18So, um, what happened to your brother?
00:54:20He ran away.
00:54:22I haven't seen him since right before his 19th birthday.
00:54:26But I swear I'd give my right nut to know that little shit is okay.
00:54:33He brought it up, I promise!
00:54:35Get out!
00:54:37What?
00:54:37I specifically asked you not to stir anything up with him.
00:54:41But this is good news.
00:54:42At least it's a start.
00:54:44I really think you should talk to him.
00:54:46I really think you should mind your own business.
00:54:48Let me get this straight.
00:54:49You have a radio show where you give people advice about relationship problems
00:54:53and the way that you deal with your own is by running away from them?
00:54:55You don't know these people, Richard.
00:54:58Do you think my parents were happy when they found out I was gay?
00:55:00No.
00:55:01But eventually they came around.
00:55:04My situation is a little bit different.
00:55:07All I'm saying is that you can't judge people for mistreating you
00:55:10about something that they know nothing about.
00:55:13All I'm saying is you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!
00:55:18No!
00:55:19No!
00:55:21No!
00:55:32No!
00:55:48Brandon can you hold please okay two twin beds or a single queen a single
00:56:02queen oh dear take my advice whatever it is you're going through surround yourself with as many
00:56:10friends as possible this is the time to patch up old relationships that's it for the karma sutra
00:56:18show good night listen this is just a stupid ass idea girl can you get off the grinder for a
00:56:25second
00:56:25and do something useful useful I wanted to text Richard and tell him we were coming the
00:56:28fuck down here but you said no let's make it a surprise oh my god what are you guys doing
00:56:34here
00:56:34you better tie your shoes because you're tripping bitch hey Richard oh we decided to stop on our
00:56:41way down to white party yeah this is a really shitty place I'll explain so we asked for a room
00:56:47with one bed because it was cheaper not because girls you should be so lucky huh anyway but when
00:56:53an old cigarette smoking lunch lady bitch behind the counter realized we were two dudes she changed
00:56:58the reservation from one queen to two double beds which was $50 more you know I cannot take you
00:57:05seriously looking like that you don't think I'm pretty you're the prettiest girl on the planet
00:57:10of the apes so what else did we miss well I just think everybody was right what the hell am
00:57:19I doing
00:57:19here you're following your dreams that's adorable well it looks like I'm going to be following y'all
00:57:23back home you say y'all now stay here barf shut up Richard why would you quit well to be
00:57:31honest
00:57:31a the kids are already doing better b I'm gonna get fired again and c I miss brunch come to
00:57:39white party
00:57:40yeah I could a white party no no no I said brunch eggs or white nice job Tommy Mr. Bobby
00:57:50here you go
00:57:52I got a B plus I have never gone a B before very well written Batman you actually have a
00:57:58bright future
00:57:59if you work hard oh my god I got a B minus that is so uninspected well I guess you're
00:58:11no longer
00:58:11the dumbest class in school at least on paper
00:58:15please excuse the interruption Miss Del Rio Principal Wayne would like to see you after class
00:58:22hey what'd you do come on tell us shut up
00:58:30Principal Wayne your daughter is gorgeous that's my wife
00:58:35oh it's your wife well she's um very blonde
00:58:41I've asked you to come here because I'm faced with a very difficult decision
00:58:47join the club
00:58:49I've noticed you've been taking a very unusual approach with your students
00:58:54well Principal Wayne some of the kids are assholes and I have to treat them accordingly
00:59:00the language you use could be argued is inappropriate to some
00:59:05some of them deserve it
00:59:07you feel it's working
00:59:09in fact I do
00:59:11then I've made up my mind Bianca
00:59:13I've made up my mind as well sir
00:59:15I've decided to nominate you as the most teacher of the year
00:59:20you don't have to fire me I quit
00:59:21what?
00:59:21what?
00:59:23I don't know what to say
00:59:26not one student has missed a single class since you started
00:59:32that is unprecedented
00:59:34this is outrageous I'm sure it didn't hurt that you lied to them
00:59:38why don't you go ahead and tell us all about your cousin Cher huh?
00:59:42or your best friend Lady Gaga
00:59:44how's she doing?
00:59:46well I haven't talked to her in a while
00:59:47you really know this Lady Gaga?
00:59:50yes sir
00:59:52you are so full of shit Bianca
00:59:55if that even is your real name
00:59:56do you think it would be too much to invite this Lady Gaga to the ceremony?
01:00:03it would be great publicity for the school
01:00:06I will certainly ask her
01:00:08oh
01:00:33mama?
01:00:35ah
01:00:37yeah this line always takes forever
01:00:40yeah I'm each and of you
01:00:41I'm just getting my hair done
01:00:43I pick color for you
01:00:44thank you
01:00:44yeah
01:00:45I pick color for you
01:00:47oh you always talk on the phone
01:00:49talk talk on the phone
01:00:50never talk to me
01:00:52you only white lady who come in here
01:00:54never talk to me
01:00:55but don't come back
01:00:56bye
01:00:59bye
01:01:04oh
01:01:05shit
01:01:06fuck
01:01:15part one's done sis
01:01:18found her?
01:01:19Well, of course I found her.
01:01:22Now make sure no one else will.
01:01:25No scars, right?
01:01:27Nothing visible.
01:01:29You got it, darling.
01:01:37Hi.
01:01:39Mama.
01:01:52Oh, dear.
01:01:58Oh, God.
01:02:00Jerry, don't you cry, don't you?
01:02:05You look beautiful.
01:02:09Hey, Mama.
01:02:10Hey, Mama.
01:02:12That's a good hug.
01:02:14That's a good hug.
01:02:26This has gone too far.
01:02:27I'm a science teacher, for Christ's sake.
01:02:30What is this, unsolved mysteries bullshit?
01:02:32What can I say?
01:02:34I can't believe what just happened.
01:02:38Thanks for being such a good friend.
01:02:41I'm glad you're in my life, Richard.
01:02:45You're still not allowed to sleep with my brother.
01:02:48Bye, bitch.
01:02:49You know that you're going to jail.
01:02:52You know Carly wanted that teacher award you're after.
01:02:56Since I always make sure Carly gets what she wants.
01:02:58How are you supposed to keep an eye on you until the ceremony's over?
01:03:01Now I gotta leave you out here.
01:03:03Hey.
01:03:05I know it might be weird to call, but something crazy just happened.
01:03:07I wanna tell you about it.
01:03:09Also, I had a really great time with you at the end of the night.
01:03:13Hope we can do it again soon.
01:03:16See you soon, pretty girl.
01:03:20Sorry, lady.
01:03:21Blood stick in the water.
01:03:22That means you and family always come first.
01:03:33There it is.
01:03:36What the hell?!
01:03:37Fuck off, fatty!
01:03:42You're a bitch!
01:03:46I'll find you!
01:03:46You fucking bitch!
01:03:48I'll find you!
01:03:49I'm gonna cut you open like a cow!
01:04:13I'm gonna cut you open like a cow!
01:04:40I'll find you!
01:04:41I'm gonna cut you open like a cow!
01:04:41I'm gonna cut you open like a cow!
01:04:43Where have you been, girl?
01:04:44Ooh, coffee.
01:04:45Listen, I can explain.
01:04:46But first, I need you to meet my friends.
01:04:48This is Karma and Janice.
01:04:50Janice, Carmen, Stephen, Bailey.
01:04:53Hi.
01:04:54Okay, I need your help.
01:04:55Uh-uh.
01:04:56See, we called you like 50 times yesterday.
01:04:58Someone from the school tried to have him kidnapped.
01:05:01I heard everything.
01:05:02Hold up, they kidnapping bitches over here?
01:05:04Oh, hell to the no.
01:05:06See, you need to call the police.
01:05:07You cannot call the police here because everybody is related.
01:05:10It's not a real town.
01:05:12It's like a big family reunion.
01:05:14What?
01:05:15Explain.
01:05:16Okay, it's like sometimes when you walk in the club,
01:05:19and then you look around, and you're like,
01:05:20why damn, I done slept with everybody up in here.
01:05:22Oh, okay.
01:05:23Proceed.
01:05:24Well, look, I have a plan.
01:05:25Ooh, look at you sounding like Mr. Training MacGyver Fish.
01:05:28Yeah!
01:05:28Well, I had time to think about it
01:05:30because I've been walking for 13 miles.
01:05:32What?
01:05:33Explain.
01:05:34Um, it's like walking from Soho to Harlem.
01:05:38Don't they have Uber here?
01:05:39Oh!
01:05:40Oh!
01:05:45Hurricanes form in tropical regions because they need warm water
01:05:50of at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit.
01:05:55The most characteristic feature of hurricanes is their eye,
01:05:58a region of dry air about which the strongest winds circulate.
01:06:06off the air.
01:06:14The most peaceful wind here.
01:06:18As for years, it's a time to see the wind.
01:06:26We're finished.
01:06:26We're finished.
01:06:26We need to be finished.
01:06:28Three miles away.
01:06:32It's a time to see the wind,
01:06:32We're all finished.
01:06:32Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!
01:06:34This is the Kana Sutra Show, live from the Texas Theater,
01:06:38where there are rumors that there will be an appearance
01:06:41by Lady Gaga at tonight's Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:06:47Who the hell are you?
01:06:48I'm part of G's security team.
01:06:50And I need to go through this building
01:06:52and make sure it's secure before the event.
01:06:54Who's security team?
01:06:56G's security team.
01:06:58Yeah, who's G?
01:07:00G, Lady Gaga, G.
01:07:02This has been cleared for weeks.
01:07:04Oh, well, this is news to me.
01:07:07Well, you listen to me, polka dot.
01:07:09Now, Lady Gaga herself is on her way here from the airport,
01:07:12and if I'm not able to go through this building
01:07:14and make sure it's secure from crackheads
01:07:16and cracks in the ceiling, then I will make a call.
01:07:19She will turn around, and trust me, you don't want that.
01:07:23All right, all right, go ahead.
01:07:27It's a nice trip.
01:07:31Hey, knock it off out there!
01:07:39Oh, bitch, gonna need to start going to the gym.
01:07:41Oh, oh, oh, oh, bitch.
01:07:46Oh!
01:07:48Be careful.
01:07:50Girl, I'm sorry.
01:07:50I was gonna cut you a breathing hole, I promise.
01:07:53All right, come on, Reese Little Spoon.
01:07:55Hi.
01:07:57Oh, hello, uh, okay, Wayne, here you go.
01:08:01And here is one for your daughter.
01:08:04That's my wife.
01:08:05Oh, you.
01:08:08Oh, my God.
01:08:10Oh, my God.
01:08:11It's coming!
01:08:12It's really hard.
01:08:14My feet are killing me.
01:08:15Keep your mouth shut, Father.
01:08:17The queen of pop music has arrived!
01:08:20Hello and welcome, everyone, to the annual District 214 Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:08:41I am so lucky to be here to introduce some of our very talented staff tonight.
01:08:49And pitch me now, we have a very special guest.
01:08:54I still can't believe it.
01:08:55Lady Gaga took time out of her very busy schedule to join us this evening.
01:09:05Are you having a good time, Gaga?
01:09:07Mm-hmm.
01:09:08Can you tell that to your face?
01:09:11Unfortunately, one of our teachers, Ms. Del Rio, had some problems and was forced to resign.
01:09:21When did this happen?
01:09:23It's all under control, Wayne.
01:09:25Some shady shade.
01:09:26Very shady.
01:09:27But not to worry, Milford High will still be represented.
01:09:32They decided to send Carly Ward as an alternate.
01:09:43They decided to send Carly Ward as an alternate.
01:09:44Scientists have warned residents to be wearing storms with female names,
01:09:49as they are perceived to be less threatening,
01:09:52but are significantly more likely to kill you.
01:09:57Now, let's take a moment to get to know some of our nominees.
01:10:05Our first nominee is Mr. Homer Flint from Nacogdoches.
01:10:13Homer is a favorite of his high school because of some of his strong and visionary leadership,
01:10:19a clear vision of his goals, and his impeccable style.
01:10:28Our next nominee is from Meadow Lakes, Sue Ellen Spencer.
01:10:35She is known for her fun, laid-back creative writing classes.
01:10:40Your idea?
01:10:41Huh, sex scandal.
01:10:43Oh!
01:10:44It's going down in the schoolyard.
01:10:46That desk is dirty.
01:10:48Oh!
01:10:49Huh?
01:10:51Oh, this thing is broken.
01:10:53Shut it, shut it down!
01:10:54Shut it down!
01:10:55What the hell?
01:10:56Hey!
01:10:57Whoa!
01:10:58Hey, this isn't-
01:10:59Shut this down.
01:11:00Oh my god!
01:11:02Not at my school.
01:11:04That's not me.
01:11:05That's not me.
01:11:05It's just-
01:11:06Any mature person.
01:11:09What the hell?
01:11:16Things have taken a strange turn here.
01:11:19Miss First, the mysterious and up until now anonymous woman that has been seducing young
01:11:25boys has been revealed as Deborah Ward.
01:11:29Oh, quiet down, everybody.
01:11:32Oh, God.
01:11:33Look, this is not true.
01:11:35This is a conspiracy.
01:11:53Somebody fix the dang projector already.
01:12:02It's biting me.
01:12:09Oh, girl.
01:12:17Just getting botched.
01:12:18I don't need a band-aid.
01:12:22No.
01:12:24No.
01:12:26Pick up. Pick up, Willie.
01:12:28Willie, pick up.
01:12:32Get me out of here.
01:12:34Get me out of here.
01:12:35Get me out of here.
01:12:37Get me out of here.
01:12:38Really?
01:12:38Get back to me right now.
01:12:44Oh, Debbie.
01:12:46Don't you look fancy tonight.
01:12:48You?
01:12:49Sorry I'm a little late.
01:12:50I was tied up.
01:12:54Give me these.
01:12:56Get out of my way.
01:12:58Has anybody ever told you, Debbie, that you have beautifully shaped lips?
01:13:02Yes.
01:13:03And you know you need to be really careful with that face of yours.
01:13:07You might attract a swarm of men.
01:13:18Oh, my God.
01:13:20Oh, my God.
01:13:21Oh, my God.
01:13:21It's just like my girl.
01:13:23Oh, my God.
01:13:27Oh, my God.
01:13:40Well, this is awkward.
01:13:42Carly Ward?
01:13:46Rigged.
01:13:48Oh.
01:13:49Superintendent Howard.
01:13:51The information that disqualified our original nominee was given to you on false pretenses.
01:13:58What makes you say that, Wayne?
01:14:01Because Deborah Ward and her daughter are filthy liars.
01:14:06We want Bianca.
01:14:07Yeah, we want Bianca.
01:14:08Bianca!
01:14:09Bianca!
01:14:12Bianca!
01:14:13Bianca!
01:14:20Bianca!
01:14:22Bianca!
01:14:25Bianca!
01:14:25Bianca!
01:14:26Bianca!
01:14:27Bianca!
01:14:28Bianca!
01:14:28Bianca!
01:14:29Bianca!
01:14:30Bianca!
01:14:31Bianca!
01:14:31Bianca!
01:14:31Bianca!
01:14:32Bianca!
01:14:34Bianca!
01:14:35Bianca!
01:14:36Bianca!
01:14:37Bianca!
01:14:38That's how I was going to take it.
01:14:51Do you think we need a recap?
01:15:01Well, all right then.
01:15:04Thank you, District 214.
01:15:07When I started, I didn't know if I was going to fit in.
01:15:10The one thing that was consistent was this remarkable staff.
01:15:15Didn't skip a beat in allowing me into their community.
01:15:18When I arrived, every single student I had was failing.
01:15:23Each one has shown improvement of at least 40%.
01:15:27All of this coming from someone you said was an embarrassment to your community.
01:15:34What?
01:15:36Holy fucking shit.
01:15:39I knew it.
01:15:42She's a dude?
01:15:44A man.
01:15:47A man.
01:15:49I got bumped.
01:15:52That was really fucking good.
01:15:58This is Bianca.
01:16:03A man.
01:16:04A man.
01:16:13A man.
01:16:15Bye.
01:16:16She's messing up my hair.
01:16:24Oh, it's pretty.
01:16:26Yes, it's bright.
01:16:40All of you have some very serious explaining to do.
01:16:44I can barely move my mouth.
01:16:47These stung lips are really in right now.
01:16:49Do you know how expensive these were?
01:16:53I must say, I have seen better behavior from some of your worst students.
01:16:59Richard, do me a favor.
01:17:02Take a look at the front page.
01:17:05Why?
01:17:07Why is my school racist against gay people?
01:17:10Like Keely Carson.
01:17:11Oh, wank, come on.
01:17:13You cannot give in to these kinds of special interest groups.
01:17:17Chuck.
01:17:18On it.
01:17:19Sorry, ma'am.
01:17:20It's a blessing to be here for extra security.
01:17:22Hey, let go of me, you overgrown maggot.
01:17:24I don't think I won't be calling the law, Miss Ward.
01:17:27Are you kidding me?
01:17:28Is this a joke?
01:17:29Come on, that kid's been held back like six times.
01:17:31He said he was legal.
01:17:33He did.
01:17:35As for you, young lady, I have no proof that you were involved in any of this.
01:17:41Looks like you've suffered enough already.
01:17:44No, you're messing with me.
01:17:45I didn't think I was going to let you touch these.
01:17:49Just one more thing, Richard.
01:17:52Yes, sir.
01:17:54Please, stay out of the ladies' room.
01:17:58I'll try.
01:18:03I used to be one of those people that didn't really care about gay people.
01:18:07But then we had this teacher, and everyone was horrible to him, including me.
01:18:10But I didn't think he was going to get fired or anything.
01:18:13All right, guys, who's ready to graduate?
01:18:16Furthermore so, I think this school should have, like, some protection program.
01:18:20Or something.
01:18:21To protect gay people.
01:18:22And of course.
01:18:23You too.
01:18:24Because my friend Bobby is a total homo.
01:18:27But he won't come out because he'll probably get beat up.
01:18:29Well, at least more so than he already does.
01:18:31Anyway, thank you for reading my article.
01:18:34Keely Carson.
01:18:42All right.
01:18:44Please help me welcome back to the stage someone very important.
01:18:48Put your hands together and make some noise for the one.
01:18:51The only.
01:18:53Bianca Del Rio!
01:18:56Your pleasure.
01:18:57You are.
01:18:57You are.
01:18:59Yeah, it's over here.
01:19:01Oh, my God.
01:19:02What are you guys doing here?
01:19:03Do your parents know you're here?
01:19:05Security.
01:19:07Okay, listen.
01:19:08We have to get this show started.
01:19:09And I can only start the show with a drunk straight girl.
01:19:12Do we have any drunk straight girls in the audience?
01:19:15Thumbelina, come on up.
01:19:16I know you.
01:19:17This is my good girlfriend, Janice.
01:19:20All right.
01:19:20Who is ready to see Janice do an interpretive dance?
01:19:24All right.
01:19:25You ready, bitch?
01:19:26Let's do it.
01:19:27Hit it, DJ.
01:19:31Janice took over as the dance captain of the Lady Maverick cheerleading squad, which became
01:19:38her cover when she was recruited for secret ops at the CIA.
01:19:44Anyway, you know, I have to say, oh, you too, on your fucking phone, rude.
01:19:49As Stephen and Bailey continue to look for dates on Grindr, they realize they've accidentally
01:19:56been talking to each other.
01:20:00Bailey still lives on Stephen's futon, but sometimes gets an upgrade.
01:20:06So, oh, thank you.
01:20:08What are you doing here?
01:20:10I came to see my girlfriend.
01:20:13Houston, we got lots of problems.
01:20:15Mainly you.
01:20:17I won the Texas Excellence in Radio Award for my coverage of the Teacher of the Year ceremony.
01:20:25Chuck and I are closer than ever.
01:20:28He's still trying to add Bianca to his little black book.
01:20:31Richard used his win-ins to find a nicer apartment and started a theater program at the school.
01:20:38I finally got to meet his cousin, who's not really Cher.
01:20:43Well, she is every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.
01:20:46In the end, Hurricane Bianca was just the right kind of storm that this little town needed.
01:20:55Ha ha ha ha!
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