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  • 1 day ago
My Lady Jane Episode 6
Transcript
00:05I
00:06Mary killed Edward and tried to kill me we have no proof my laws
00:10I am disbanding the Kings and guards they are finished
00:12I want Jane Grey's head on a pike and I need your army sexy mother I'll send
00:175,000 men to fight for you
00:19Guilford Dudley is a horse end this marriage or I will make you end it no you shall not what
00:25if I didn't want a divorce
00:26what if you didn't
00:28I
00:29Don't know what to do
00:30I can show you
00:32You invited aethians to your coronation banquet
00:35We must again live side by side we must end division laws
00:40Guilford you don't need a cure
00:41Jane please shut up
00:42It is this kingdom that needs to change
00:43I could heal England
00:45Fuck England heal me
00:46I trusted you
00:48Why are you following me?
00:49I was just going to tell you there is an ethian cure and I know where to get it
00:53A witness has come forward to confirm King Edward's killers
00:56Lord Seymour and Princess Mary
00:58Arrest them
00:59That's right my darlings
01:00Princess Mary is fleeing
01:04She's gone
01:10As you're doubtless aware dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gives humans the ability to feel joy
01:17The traitor Mary has fled
01:19And nothing triggers euphoria as intensely as having your regicidal nemesis on the run
01:26Goddamn what a rush
01:28I will not rest until she is captured
01:30It's okay
01:32You will all send your armies to search the kingdom
01:34Not so fast your majesty
01:37Sadly for Jane Tudor monarchs don't have armies
01:41They have to borrow them which means she needs these assholes
01:46Are we correct to assume that you have reneged on your passionate plea to end division law?
01:57No
02:00I shall end division law
02:04Our kingdom needs unity
02:07And a leader who is willing to fight for it
02:11Each of you will pledge me ten thousand men
02:14Whatever Mary does next
02:16We will be ready
02:17Long live Queen Mary
02:31Help me
02:32Help me
02:32Help me
02:33Help me
02:33Help me
02:34Help me
02:35Come here
02:37I'm an assassin
02:38Are you alright?
02:39Sent by the traitor Mary
02:43Stand up
02:44Keep smiling
02:45You are alive
02:48Fear not
02:50The villain is dead
02:52The show is over
02:53Disperse everyone
02:54Disperse people
02:56As Jane looks around
02:57She realises none of these men care about the attempt just made on her life
03:02They only care about power
03:04They're wondering if she's weak
03:07Failing
03:10Doomed
03:15Meanwhile
03:16Granny is trying everything possible to force Edward's Aethean change
03:23Even dentistry
03:25Yet our beleaguered ex-king remains stubbornly cis-morphic
03:29That went too far
03:30Not far enough
03:32This is the worst case of delayed onset Aetheanism I've seen since your uncle Arthur
03:37I actually cut off one of his toes
03:40Did it work?
03:41Did it fuck
03:42Finally changed when he got scared of a bee
03:44Prat
03:45And then your father stabbed him to death in his bed and said it was sweating sickness
03:50What?
03:50Nothing
03:52Everyone has a trigger
03:54We just have to find yours
03:56Look Granny enough
03:58I'm not Aethean
04:00Not that there's anything wrong with that
04:02I am the king
04:03And I command you to let me go
04:07Well that's the spirit
04:09That's just the sort of energy we need when you'll return
04:12To take your rightful place as England's proud Aethean king
04:18I have plans for you
04:21There is a prophecy that began with a series of dark miracles
04:25A giant squid leapt from the sea onto a Kalmar war boat and ate everyone alive
04:30In Mesopotamia a lamb poured the ground with his poop and a fountain
04:35Oh golly, he's back
04:38At this moment Edward is realising two things
04:42One, no lecture on destiny has ever pierced his soul the way a single glimpse of that feline fellow just
04:50did
04:50And two
04:52And then we will exterminate every verity in the kingdom
05:00Exterminate verities
05:01His grandmother is barking mad
05:12Is that sulfur?
05:13No dung of the hippopotami
05:15Yes, yes I have a chap
05:19Funny, the pharaohs use it as a contraceptive
05:23Preposterous
05:24It is a powerful healing agent
05:26No it isn't, wipe it off
05:28Dr. Butts, perhaps some vinegar
05:29Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
05:32Do women ever stop?
05:35Good cuts
05:35The endless chitter, chitter, chitter, chitter
05:38Now, I prescribe a spoonful of fresh lice in your breakfast ale
05:42You're fired
05:43Are you speaking in tongues?
05:45You heard me
05:45You are fired
05:50That felt good
05:51That felt good
05:52Jane, quick word
05:53What now?
05:54Jane, we have a crisis
05:56You need to stop blathering about helping those beasts and come to your senses
06:00No
06:00And consolidate your power
06:02What power?
06:03Half the court has fucked off back to their estates with their retainers
06:06What?
06:07They left because of your ethian agenda
06:09With soldiers you need
06:11And how many are still with me?
06:13A handful at best
06:14And they all take their cue from the Duke of Norfolk
06:17He could up and leave at a moment's notice
06:20No nobles, no soldiers
06:22No soldiers, no crown
06:24No crown, no bueno
06:28Can our plucky heroine unite the kingdom without risking her neck?
06:36Ah
06:41So tell me
06:41Archer
06:43What are you?
06:45A bunny rabbit
06:49A bear
06:51Oh
06:54Splendid
06:55Splendid
06:56Splendid
06:57Quite cool actually
07:00My lord
07:12As you can see I am fully recovered
07:16And while we wait for your armies to find the traitor, Mary
07:21I have decided to hold a tournament
07:24In joyous anticipation of my imminent victory
07:27In joyous anticipation of my imminent victory
07:29Jousting, games, and a feast
07:32Your attendance is required
07:34I adore a tourney
07:36If the stars are amiable of course
07:38Do you follow the stars, your majesty?
07:40Is it a compulsory tourney?
07:43You simply must have an astrologer
07:45Ottoman preferably
07:47Borrow mine
07:48Borrow mine
07:48Thank you Scrope
07:50Tragically
07:52I have to return home
07:55My peasants are starving and they will not stop bitching about it
08:01I insist you accept my invitation
08:03You shall stay the week
08:04You shall stay the week
08:05All of you
08:07With pleasure, your majesty
08:09Good
08:10Perhaps you will even make new friends
08:15That is all
08:19Your majesty
08:25Now they are trapped here until their armies arrive
08:28Clever
08:29Mary is coming
08:30We need to be ready
08:32They will never fight for you unless you abandon us
08:36Then we will change their minds
08:38Teach them not to be afraid
08:39Men like that don't change
08:43Bigotry is in their blood
08:44Then we will make them think that they have won
08:47Until Mary is gone
08:50And then we'll do it anyway
08:52You are a very interesting woman
08:57It's nearly nightfall
08:58If you'll excuse me
09:02All Jane wants is to tell Guildford about Mary
09:05Make amends for their bitter fight
09:07And maybe
09:08Guildford?
09:09Copper Snog
09:13Guildford
09:13Guildford?
09:15Your majesty
09:17Where is Guildford?
09:18Guildford is gone
09:20Gone?
09:22He left to find a cure
09:27He left?
09:31Did he say anything else?
09:33Only that he is sorry
09:35And uh
09:37He...
09:38Didn't think you'd understand
09:42I see
09:43I see
10:00Dudley
10:00You should still believe
10:01Your majesty
10:03Big news
10:04I have found us an elephant for the tournament
10:07Guildford has left me
10:09He's gone to look for an Aethian cure
10:13Did you know he was going?
10:16Do you know where he went?
10:19I did not
10:20And I do not
10:21Look, it is the boy's only flaw
10:24It is right he should desire to fix himself
10:27After all his brilliant wife did nothing about it
10:32There is nothing wrong with him
10:33Who?
10:35The kingdom would disagree
10:37Well that's why I must change the kingdom
10:40I was an idealist myself once
10:42When I was young
10:43The world felt fair
10:46Simple fact is
10:47Humans love to hate
10:49You're wrong
10:51Am I?
10:53Guildford lost his place in the world overnight
10:55Because of you
10:57You made him feel defective
11:01You sent him away
11:02What kind of father does that?
11:04Guildford didn't need a father
11:05He needed protection
11:07And I hid him as best I could
11:09What would you have me do?
11:11Abandon my life at court?
11:14Guildford will return normal
11:16And you will be glad he did it
11:19You might even see fit to name him
11:25King
11:25And it's like
11:26Well I'm an Ethiopian polecat
11:28Right?
11:29And the missus
11:30She's a juicy little Ethiopian mouse
11:33So that's just
11:34Well that's just fucking tense to begin with isn't it?
11:40You know like polecat
11:41And a mouse
11:43Might gobble her up
11:45Not in a fun way
11:48That's why I've got off on my own once in a while you know
11:50Just be by myself
11:51My whole self
11:54I'd never change if I had the choice
11:58You're a horse
12:00And that's not too shabby
12:03Come on
12:04Telling me you wouldn't miss that minute right after it happens
12:07When your heart's being like
12:09Like gangbusters
12:11And your skin's all
12:13Warm and tingly
12:15And for that second
12:17Just that second
12:19You are totally
12:22Free
12:28How much further?
12:30Relax mate
12:31Alright?
12:32We'll get your money's worth
12:34And we'll have you back with her majesty in no time
12:36Ethiopian no more
12:38I do not wish to discuss my wife
12:42Whatever you say my lord
12:46As king Edward didn't even wipe his own arse
12:49Someone else did it for him
12:51It's called the groom of the stool
12:53Look it up
12:54But now Edward must finally take his fate
12:57And his arse into his own hands
13:01Fuck me it works
13:27What do you want?
13:28Just a talk
13:30Is that a butter knife?
13:31Tell me who you are
13:33I'm a actor
13:36Also a thief
13:41And a rather splendid pickpocket
13:44On occasion
13:45I'll do dishes in exchange for room and board
13:47But only if the mark is very interesting
13:49And I suppose I'm the mark
13:50Of course
13:51You're the king
13:52You have twice your weight in gold
13:55How do you know I was here?
13:57Right place, right time
13:58I'd wager your safe return
13:59And nabbed me a small fortune
14:01Or a big one
14:02And here I thought you were saving me out a chivalric tradition
14:06Sorry mate, cold hard cash
14:10Alright
14:12I'll pay you
14:14You're right about this place
14:16My granny is absolutely barmy
14:18Alas
14:20Alas
14:21Let's go
14:31And I thought to myself, Stan old chap
14:33I thought, how long can you sit here watching this cockfight before taking a whazz?
14:38Because you know, the second you leave, you miss the good part
14:41The death part
14:42Yeah
14:43Anyway, long story short, I took that whazz and the cock from Lancashire won
14:49Agony
14:57I love note, really
15:03In a time before DMs, humans wrote love notes
15:08Would you rather have no teeth or no fingers?
15:13No fingers
15:14No fingers
15:15I really like eating
15:17Hmm
15:19Approved
15:19Here you go
15:21Oh look, it appears young Stanley's written one too
15:26Ah, Lord Scrooge
15:29Lady Frances is talking to me
15:32I am
15:35Now my daughter tells me you have a rather large and powerful army, is that true?
15:46Uh, may I regale you with a poem?
15:50I would adore that
15:53My lute awake
15:54Perform the last labour that thou and I shall waste
15:59And end that I have now begun
16:02My lute be still, for I have done
16:06You're terribly clever
16:09It's, it's why it
16:11Why it's my fave
16:12You know
16:15Oda Dor
16:15A one-to-one confabulation
16:18Perhaps in my chambers a little later
16:21Hmm
16:23Margaret
16:26Give this to your mummy
16:33For you, from Stan Dudley
16:38Sit
17:23He hates you
17:26Hmm?
17:29Nothing
17:40So
17:41Are you from London
17:43Originally?
17:45Or the north?
17:46Look
17:47We get out of here alive
17:48I'll tell you whatever you want to know
17:56Um, alive?
18:00Way out's through there
18:02But it's locked tight
18:03I can get the key
18:04Stay here
18:05Don't move
18:15Fits
18:20Fits?
18:27Fits?
18:29Edward
18:43A cat in a sack
18:44Go back to your room, Edward
18:46Release him
18:47Oh, Granny will be terribly vexed
18:51Or
18:52I throw it against the wall so hard
18:54It will be good for nothing more than a hand, Mum
18:56No
18:59I'll go with you
19:16What the fuck?
19:21What the fuck?
19:24Oh, you're right
19:34I go on
19:36Hey
19:49I'm using story, actually.
19:52Holden's always sickly.
19:55Like all princes, I was trained for war.
20:26You know, Granny was wrong about you, Edward.
20:30You're no Ethiian savior.
20:40Oh, you saved me.
20:42You saved me first.
20:44No one's ever done that for me before.
20:46Really?
20:49Let's get the fuck out of here.
20:55Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy, can strike down even the healthiest of individuals.
21:03But fear not, Jane doesn't have anything of the sort.
21:06She merely feels winded, breathless, sickened, jaundiced, and rather like someone who's just plunged a claw into her chest and
21:14ripped out her soul,
21:15leaving behind only the cold but dependable comfort of her career.
21:20Tell Charles to ask everyone to meet me outside for the tourney.
21:35Rain in England.
21:37I don't believe it.
21:38I plan magic.
21:40Magic.
21:40Jugglers.
21:41Jousters.
21:41Real elephant.
21:43Best part was we're going to eat him afterwards as well.
21:45Dinner and the show.
21:46Now it's all vomit.
21:48Maybe not.
21:48This is an utter failure.
21:50I don't fail.
21:52Bullshit.
21:53Jane fails constantly, but her hierarchy of needs is clear.
21:58Keep the nobility close.
22:00Get their armies.
22:01Fight Mary.
22:02Save the kingdom.
22:05Ta-da!
22:10What fresh hell is this?
22:12We're bowling.
22:15I promised you a tourney, but we await your armies.
22:18This rain won't stop us.
22:20Who's with me?
22:24Oh, snaffle!
22:26What's a snaffle, you querying?
22:29When it comes to Tudor sports, don't overthink it.
22:34Remember, these people drink wine for breakfast.
22:40Well done, darling.
22:53What the hell is this?
23:11My go, my go.
23:15Lord Scrooge, may I attend to you in my chamber?
23:18Lady Frances, thank you.
23:20Are you shagging that tall?
23:22No, darling, you do say...
23:23Why are you ignoring me?
23:25Because your family is tainted.
23:27Your lordship, ease yourself up.
23:30Oh, that looks so painful.
23:32Thank you, Lady Frances.
23:33Your hands are like butter.
23:35Jane is realizing that sometimes diplomacy is merely the art of conjecture.
23:39Jowling difficult people into speaking to one another.
23:43Archer?
23:44Norfolk?
23:46How chivalrous you both are.
23:48Letting everyone else play first.
23:50It's your turn now. Partner together against me and Dudley.
23:52I'm not partnering with him.
23:54How can we work together if we can't even play a game of bowls?
24:00Fine.
24:01I'll play against him.
24:04Let's make this interesting.
24:07If I win,
24:10division law remains.
24:12I accept the terms.
24:15Archer?
24:15If I win,
24:17division law ends.
24:19The future of our kingdom
24:21cannot come down to a silly bet.
24:24I think Norfolk's idea is a capital one.
24:27After all,
24:28it's how we divide in Brittany
24:30with the French.
24:35Trust me.
24:42Catherine.
24:47I'm sorry.
24:49That note was so stupid and silly.
24:51It wasn't.
24:51I'm sorry for...
24:54Every heart sings a song incomplete
24:56until another heart whispers back.
25:00Your words are beautiful.
25:04It's Plato.
25:07I knew that.
25:09No, you didn't.
25:11Yes, I didn't.
25:16If you can't tell,
25:17I've never really courted anyone before.
25:19I've never really been courted.
25:23Weren't she married?
25:24Yes.
25:25For about
25:2616 and a half hours.
25:28I must be the only widow in the world
25:30who hasn't even been kissed.
25:31You'll have to do something about that.
25:35My apologies.
25:36That was awfully forward of me.
25:55What on earth is going on?
25:58Mother, I had something in my mouth.
26:00My eye.
26:01Yes, looks like we got it.
26:03Leave.
26:04Right here.
26:08If you want to indulge in a casual affair,
26:11I applaud it.
26:12I've had plenty of my own.
26:14But you cannot carry on like that
26:17with a son of a man who wants to kill us all.
26:19What did you say?
26:21That is William Seymour.
26:23Lord Seymour, son and heir.
26:25But that's impossible.
26:26He's Norfolk's aide.
26:28He's Norfolk's ward.
26:30Fostered out as a child,
26:31like all noble sons,
26:33which you would know if your father had lived.
26:35Or if you had a brother.
26:36Or if I found myself remotely interested
26:39in keeping up with the lives of men.
26:41He never told me.
26:42He's probably a spy for his father,
26:44using you to get to Jane.
26:45You cannot see him again.
26:47Do you understand?
26:48I forbid it.
26:51Yes, mother.
26:53This is it, chaps.
26:54The future of the kingdom
26:56comes down to a mano-a-mano bowling match.
27:04How wise.
27:17Oh, I think I did.
27:40well done how do you play so well i played since i was a boy it's impossible king henry outlawed
27:49bowls for commons when my father was baron hunsden what what you're baz's boy he's baz's son
28:02you're a nobleman i heard that baz's boy had died cover story when i changed my family sent me to
28:11france to live in safety i could have stayed there but i realized my home is here in england
28:20norfolk you said you knew one ethi and i promise you know hundreds we're everywhere and all verities
28:26need to accept that we're here to stay game over shuffle bomb
28:37i call a grouse one shot each winner takes all can he do that unfortunately he can
29:07oh bollocks
29:12good shot difficult to beat
29:37oh
29:42no your majesty i i demand a do-over the beast has been using his animal powers no norfolk you've
29:50lost
29:52we shall all assemble this time tomorrow in the great hall to sign into effect the end of division
29:58law
30:00god
30:08oh my my
30:14i say you're quite sure we shouldn't call dr butts well i fired him why i love that guy dad
30:21told me gilth had left you
30:24i mean the palace
30:34didn't even say goodbye
30:38the thing about dudley's is our hearts are in the right place we just do really dumb stuff sometimes
30:51the truth is
30:52the truth is dan we go into a terrible fight
30:55and i pushed him too far
30:59i don't know how it's like sometimes i don't know how to stop i should have been more kind
31:06it's nuts about you it's just on a quest no i thought quests were meant to be noble and pure
31:13it is gilford's quest is to forgive himself for
31:17forgive himself for what
31:20i talk too much
31:21dad always says it's because one time when i was six i found a very strange but beautiful mushroom
31:26i ate it for weeks afterwards i smelled colors of scuffins i had four balls
31:30stan please
31:37when he comes back and he will come back you can ask him yourself
31:46i was like
31:47screw it your majesty may i have a word yes of course your soldiers stand we'll finish this later
32:10oh
32:11oh fuck me your majesty
32:13i had planned to do this ensuingly but given your distressing political predicament
32:20and the fact that my astrologer has pointed out the many favorable aspects of the day for my own
32:24personal amorous ambitions and the futures of our potential offspring what your majesty
32:31i feel it is incumbent upon me to boldly offer to take your hand in marriage
32:42consider the full force of my army your engagement present
32:46you can't propose to me scrope i'm already married oh hello
32:52hardly i have it on good authority that your husband is never coming back really whose authority
32:58is that by your mother of course
33:07let's eat have a bit of a rest and we'll pick this journey up tomorrow when you're a horse
33:17can i ride you
33:22you won't notice i'm there no
33:25all right i'm going to catch us a squirrel or something to roast
33:34that is assuming his fence pants lordships knows how to start a fight yes i know how to start a
33:38fight
33:38good how about it then
33:43so
33:58gilford is so close to making his dream come true
34:02but the problem with pursuing a dream is of course not the dream itself
34:07but the tunnel vision required for its pursuit blinding one to the pleasure of simply being alive
34:16and being alive is rather wonderful
34:23while it lasts
34:27how dare you
34:29i say are you drunk you told that idiot scrope that i would marry him
34:33that's gilford is never coming back yes i did and do you want to know why please because an alliance
34:38with scrope guarantees our survival his father and brothers recently died which means that he's just
34:44inherited one of the largest armies in the kingdom he is a moron i know but he's loyal and be
34:52easy to
34:52control you had no right
34:56so while you're planning your silly tourneys and flirting with your new pet beast mary is gathering
35:03her forces and she will come for you you should be focusing on that but oh no instead you'd rather
35:09waste your time on some ill-fated save the ethians crusade and mourn a man who abandoned you for a
35:14beast
35:15cure
35:17i never told you that
35:21no no well dougly did
35:26no he didn't he's too ashamed
35:37i know you what did you do to guildford what did you do please tell me you should thank me
35:48he's gone and we're all safer for it
35:53so
36:25untie me now hello horsey you vile fuck you think i'm vile mate just wait till you meet the beast
36:36trader what the fuck is the beast trader
36:42help me scream all you like somebody no one will hear you
36:47help your majesty what are you doing
36:51guildford's in danger what i need to find him it's all my fault your majesty none of this is your
36:57fault
36:57what do you mean athians killed his mother right in front of him he can't change that but he can
37:05find a cure let me go i'll find him and i will bring him home
37:16please please just let me go
37:21why would i do that give me one reason jane
37:30jane is the reason jane your wife true love
37:39all right
37:42so let's make a plan i'll take you back to the palace to see your majesty and then i'll
37:52crack you over the head with another stick and drag you all the way back out here listen to me
37:57listen
37:57to me i will own you nothing if you don't take this monstrosity
38:03off me the sun will rise my neck will break i will change and then i will die and then
38:10you will be cured
38:13but don't worry beast trader will be here soon she's never late
38:24so
38:25a drink
38:27grant me the dignity of one last drink
38:32fuck it why not
38:41please
39:01give me the
39:02fucking key
39:17This traitor has the only other key, my lord.
39:22You're bad.
39:27Run! Run!
39:31God is coming!
39:49Help! Help! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please help!
39:59I'm... I'm Etheon.
40:03And if this doesn't come off me before sunrise, I'll die. Please! Please help.
40:12Etheon.
40:17Get up.
40:21Come over here.
40:32Thank you. Thank you.
40:35For the first time ever, Guildford is desperate for dawn to break, to change, and to return to the palace,
40:47to return to Jane.
40:57They've gone. They've gone.
41:00They've gone.
41:14What?
41:15Your Majesty, we are out of allies.
41:18No, we are not.
41:25Archer, how many people can you rally to fight for me?
41:27What's wrong?
41:28The nobility are gone. Mary is coming with her army. We need to fight.
41:32I will not send Etheons to be slaughtered.
41:36I thought you came back to England because you wanted it to change.
41:40I came back here because my father was dying. I stayed because I hoped change was possible.
41:44But I'm sick of fighting a losing war.
41:47Yes, but now I am fighting too.
41:49I wish it were enough, but we've made other plans.
41:52Why did you stay when I asked you?
41:55I don't know.
41:57Maybe I should know.
42:03When people find out what I've done, they will support me.
42:06I doubt that.
42:13Where are you going? Did you not see me, Stanley?
42:18I ignored you.
42:20I am ignoring you.
42:22Why?
42:25I know what you did to Guildford.
42:28I heard you speaking with Jane. You sent my brother to die. You were nothing but a murderess.
42:33If you need someone to blame, blame yourself.
42:37You told me what he was. You put your cock above your brother.
42:42Who?
42:42You know what I mean.
42:44You're leaving.
42:46What have you heard? Stanley, come back here now.
42:50You order the royal coach immediately.
42:55Despite everything, Jane still believes goodness will overcome bigotry.
42:59Hope will overcome fear. And when people are given the chance to do the right thing,
43:05they will.
43:09Division laws are abolished.
43:12What do you think?
43:14Jane, we have to run. It's over.
43:17Jane, please.
43:18No, listen to me. If you don't escape now, you'll die.
43:23Look, you see? We do have support. Everything's fine. Norfolk is back.
43:30Ah, Jane.
43:33Norfolk, you've returned with your army.
43:37You've pushed things too far.
43:45Take her. Take them all.
43:48The coach is waiting. Go. Go now.
43:57Go. Follow. Go.
43:59Leave me alone.
44:12Bye, guys.
44:14Hey.
44:14Jane, keep us together
44:19Jane, keep us together
44:26Jane, keep us together
44:29Jane, keep us together
44:30Jane Grey is thoroughly fucked
45:04Jane, keep us together
45:42Jane, keep us together
46:11Jane, keep us together
46:26Jane, keep us together
46:53Jane, keep us together
46:54Jane, keep us together
47:26Jane, keep us together
47:56Jane, keep us together
48:26Jane, keep us together
48:40Jane, keep us together
48:43Jane, keep us together
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