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  • 2 days ago
Buried Above Ground 2015
Transcript
00:00:27You
00:00:28know, you watch movies.
00:00:28We've all watched movies and you see the good guys or the bad guys killing people and
00:00:34sort of shrug it off.
00:00:36And that's not how it is in reality.
00:00:55Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
00:00:58Hold the camera straight.
00:01:01We're here at the Iraqi-Syrian border.
00:01:06It's been a great tour thus far.
00:01:08We've done a lot of good.
00:01:09It's been very challenging, but it's a real honor to be here with great soldiers and group troops, 2nd Squadron,
00:01:183rd ACR.
00:01:23We had to cover ports of entry between Syria and Iraq and Jordan and Iraq.
00:01:32We did raids against high-value targets.
00:01:36We did stability and support operations.
00:01:51And Iraq, you just, you literally can't trust anyone.
00:02:00You know, I had an old sergeant who taught me some sage words.
00:02:08Smile, be nice, but always have a plan to kill everybody in the room.
00:02:21We had many different threats and episodes that happened there and along the Syrian border.
00:02:35Corrupt officials were basically allowing people and stuff to go unchecked through that crossing point to be sold in the
00:02:47black market.
00:02:54On December 21st of 2003, I went out with one of my guys.
00:03:01I was ambushed. Some men came at me and we got into a hand-to-hand combat struggle.
00:03:11My wingman put a few rounds into the guy.
00:03:18I took on blunt force trauma to my back.
00:03:22I was knocked out at the very end of it.
00:03:29There'd been ambushes and attacks and riots, but it wasn't until I was fading in and out on a chopper
00:03:37that I realized this is some serious you-know-what.
00:03:44I was beginning to experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and was continuing to deteriorate rapidly.
00:03:56After my first tour, I became divorced and became more reclusive, began to drink.
00:04:06I got upset at my family for not supporting me the way I needed to be supported.
00:04:20But I gritted my teeth and soldiered on, and I went back for a second tour.
00:04:31Not having an outlet for talking to therapists or psychiatrists was killing me.
00:04:47I saw so many people get killed, or who were dead, or who were wounded.
00:04:56Little kids that were scarred terribly by bomb blasts.
00:05:03Faces blown off of suicide bombers just laying on the ground.
00:05:10You know, marketplace bombs.
00:05:15With just body parts, you know, laying everywhere and, you know, I did my job.
00:05:27I had to do my job. I was a leader.
00:05:28I was a leader.
00:05:29But I, um...
00:05:40But there's no training for that.
00:05:42That's what I do.
00:05:44I was a leader.
00:05:48No, not having a, you know.
00:05:59I was a leader or a leader.
00:05:59I was a leader.
00:05:59And I was a leader.
00:06:02You're a leader.
00:07:04I don't know where I'm going to end up.
00:07:07I feel lonely and I'm scared.
00:07:14I am staying with a friend of mine's, Chris.
00:07:20He was nice enough to allow me to stay in his living room.
00:07:26I'm blessed that I have friends that are helping me out and that are there and that I don't
00:07:31have to be in a shelter because that's just terrible.
00:07:36It's really terrible.
00:07:38All right, bye.
00:07:40I want to go out there.
00:07:42I have a good day.
00:07:44God bless.
00:07:47Right now, I'm just focusing on getting up and going to school.
00:07:54In the near future, I'm hoping to get my bachelor's in social work so that I can be able to
00:08:01help
00:08:01women overcome fear, help them move along from where they're stuck because almost four years
00:08:09ago, that was me.
00:08:20I grew up in the South Bronx in a household that was very dysfunctional.
00:08:26My father, he was a very angry person.
00:08:30I walk in the house.
00:08:32There was no asking me anything.
00:08:34It was straight whap, whap, whap, whap, whap.
00:08:36And as he's whapping, he's telling me, I'm a whore.
00:08:40Where was I at?
00:08:44I lived with that until the age of 14.
00:08:48And I wrote him a letter and I told my little brother goodbye.
00:08:52I had to leave.
00:08:54And I ran and I ran and I didn't look back.
00:09:01I got married when I was 16, 17, I had my son.
00:09:10After the baby was born, my husband, he started using drugs and alcohol and becoming verbally
00:09:19abusive.
00:09:20We were constantly fighting and, you know, dry my hair, take me through the neck.
00:09:28He was threatening me with a knife.
00:09:35The last straw was when my son was crying and he just grabbed the baby's face and just
00:09:45blew smoke in his face so that he cannot cry anymore.
00:09:50It's one thing to hurt me, but it's another thing to hurt my child, which is his child.
00:09:55So I packed my stuff and I left.
00:10:05By the time I was 20, I met my second husband who was in the service.
00:10:11He was in the Marine Corps.
00:10:14I wanted that family unit, so with his background, I figured this is it.
00:10:19Then overnight, he started changing.
00:10:23He was showing signs of my first husband.
00:10:27One night I woke up, a real late night.
00:10:31I hear the loudest thump I've ever heard and I'm guessing that was my mom.
00:10:39And when I walked out that door, I did see her on the floor, her back against a refrigerator
00:10:44with my stepfather above her, basically in a punching form.
00:10:50His shoulder all in, like about to punch her, like scaring her.
00:10:55Do I know who I'm messing with?
00:10:56Do I know who I'm dealing with?
00:11:01And he just kept choking me and choking me.
00:11:03He says, I could just snap your neck in an instant.
00:11:05I was crying and I told him not to do it and I told him to stop, just like any
00:11:11little kid
00:11:11could do.
00:11:12And then my mother yelled at me and told me to go.
00:11:15Locked myself back in the room, woke up, and he acted like nothing happened.
00:11:21She acted like nothing happened.
00:11:26The pain was starting to really get to me.
00:11:29I was constantly crying.
00:11:31I just didn't want anyone to know.
00:11:33I wasn't talking to anybody.
00:11:36A lot of this stuff that was going on behind closed doors, I kept to myself.
00:11:40And then I sunk into a depression.
00:11:45My best friend became the bottle.
00:11:48Every time I got upset, I would drink where I would binge drink.
00:11:51It wasn't just two happy hour drinks and I'm okay.
00:11:57I would put myself in situations like sleazy bars where, you know, bad people will go.
00:12:10I could drink the bar dry and then I would be in an instant blackout.
00:12:16And I started waking up tied up to a bed in some mental hospital.
00:12:22I stopped taking care of my son and neglected him.
00:12:29He didn't have a mother anymore.
00:12:33I woke up one morning.
00:12:35I go in the bathroom and I hear little drops of water.
00:12:37Drink, drink, drink.
00:12:40Pull the curtain and I just see my mother knows right here.
00:12:43Everything else underwater.
00:12:45And I start shaking her.
00:12:46She's not moving.
00:12:47And then she wakes up and then she's like, no, I'm okay.
00:12:50What's wrong?
00:12:51I said, mom, dude, you're under fucking water.
00:12:59I had shame, you know, I had guilt.
00:13:03I couldn't manage it.
00:13:05I figured that if I drank enough, I can drink myself to death.
00:13:33I'm taking you to this house that my husband and I picked up in tax sale, which means we
00:13:39have to, someone abandoned it basically, but we're still responsible for paying the taxes
00:13:44on it and bringing it up to code.
00:13:46This is my house.
00:13:47You can see the way the side looked is the way the front looked and we're slowly but
00:13:51surely trying to, we have to finish painting the trim and we've cut the grass and we've
00:13:55put plants up there and that carpet's been dragged out.
00:13:58So we're slowly but surely gutting this place.
00:14:25Well, I knew that I would have nightmares.
00:14:27I knew that I would be traumatized.
00:14:29I knew that I would suffer from mental anguish and emotional anguish.
00:14:34And I knew that.
00:14:51The week before Katrina, my husband, DJ, and I got married in Congo Square, the spiritual
00:14:58heart of the city.
00:15:00Everything was wonderful.
00:15:01And then, we saw that there was some weather brewing.
00:15:14We got out, drove to Lafayette to my husband's grandmother's house.
00:15:22We watched the storm unfold, and we just were bawling and praying and just massive flooding.
00:15:35I'd never seen that much water in New Orleans.
00:15:37It was horrific.
00:15:43These are my people.
00:15:45This is my city.
00:15:46I can't stand watching this on TV.
00:15:48I have to do something.
00:15:49And so, we jumped in the car, we drove into the city, and drove into chaos.
00:16:02It looked like something out of Apocalypse Now, just fires and smoke rising up.
00:16:11And it smelled like death.
00:16:19One neighbor died.
00:16:21To this day, I feel like he died because of my bad instructions.
00:16:25I told him to walk to the dome, and that he'd be picked up at the dome, because that's
00:16:31the misinformation that I was given.
00:16:34There was so much, oh God, so much misinformation.
00:16:36And he walked, and they turned him away, and then he walked back, and it was like 104 degrees
00:16:41with a heat index.
00:16:42And he was old, and that was it.
00:16:44He made it back to his house, and he collapsed, and then I was there when they found him.
00:16:48And that's, that's a failure.
00:16:51That's one of those things that I, you know, have to live with.
00:17:01Once search and rescue was basically called off, just absolutely overwhelmed and appalled
00:17:07by everything we'd seen, we headed to Pensacola, where my mom had a house intact.
00:17:11And the family kind of re-gathered there, and suicidal thoughts started in that car.
00:17:20And it just progressively got worse.
00:17:23Before this I wanted to know that nothing's all I would say.
00:17:26I think you're all here tonight.
00:17:35I don't like it anymore, but I didn't get to know.
00:17:39It always seems to be the same way.
00:17:39But I think that it meant you can hide in that way.
00:17:39Now, you for what – it leads me home to my parents' house.
00:17:42And you said together.
00:17:42You're so ears too, but I porque I want you to know each other thing!
00:17:44Okay, I want you to know.
00:17:45Now you're going to have a house intact,
00:17:51you're going to wake up my door, too.
00:18:05As a result of post-traumatic stress, I have the whole spectrum of symptoms.
00:18:12I have social agoraphobia, hypervigilance, anxiety, panic attacks, I have insomnia, I have nightmares
00:18:25and flashbacks when I do sleep.
00:18:52The anger, the shame, the guilt, the rage, the sadness, the, the horror, the, the,
00:19:12the loneliness.
00:19:16I think about it every day throughout the day.
00:19:29When I discharged in September 2007, I had a dismal experience at the Brooklyn VA Hospital.
00:19:36Their mental health program was broken.
00:19:43When something is wrong or is hurting people or affecting people negatively, you fight.
00:19:51You fight.
00:19:52And that was the type of personality trait that my superiors, as I progressed up the ranks
00:20:10of the officer corps, really held in high regard.
00:20:17I have to tell you, I feel like I'm talking to Luis, the army officer tonight.
00:20:20I don't feel like I'm talking to Luis, who's really been in touch with a lot of his emotions
00:20:27lately.
00:20:27I'd have to understand what you mean by Luis, the army officer, as opposed to Luis, the, you know, the
00:20:38veteran.
00:20:43If I, I mean, the textbook says it's an ego defense and that you're protecting yourself
00:20:48from some unhappy or unpleasant emotions.
00:20:52We're avoiding the emotions.
00:20:56Okay.
00:20:57Ask me a question.
00:21:02Because you can handle a question.
00:21:05Okay.
00:21:05What, what can I handle?
00:21:07The feelings that are coming up for you right now.
00:21:10Okay.
00:21:11The feelings.
00:21:14Befuddled.
00:21:15Befuddled.
00:21:16Anything else?
00:21:19Um.
00:21:24Mom upset?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:43Because of my drinking and radical behavior, I was doing the wrong things.
00:21:50You know, I was drinking and driving and I got arrested.
00:21:55My attorney told me that there was a big chance that I will have to spend 30 days in jail.
00:22:07Bye.
00:22:22And take care of me.
00:22:25Amen.
00:22:26Amen.
00:22:29Everyone he summons to repent.
00:22:34The kingdom of power.
00:22:36What's pushing me is I hit the bottom.
00:22:38Lord Jesus Christ.
00:22:40And somehow some strength within myself is allowing me,
00:22:44with a lot of work, to be able to function.
00:22:47May the peace of the Lord be with you all.
00:22:49And also with you.
00:22:53I do meetings the way I did bars.
00:22:56I go from one to the other to the other to the other to the other
00:22:59to change the scenery.
00:23:02Because different meetings have different classes
00:23:05and different outlooks and different faces.
00:23:09And it's nice to just spread.
00:23:11Congratulations!
00:23:13One, two, three!
00:23:15Congratulations to you!
00:23:16Congratulations to you!
00:23:18Congratulations to you!
00:23:20Congratulations to you!
00:23:22Thank you!
00:23:23Thank you, thank you so much!
00:23:25I'm this much!
00:23:27Oh!
00:23:27Four!
00:23:28Four!
00:23:30Yes!
00:23:31This is my celebrating month,
00:23:33making four years without a drink.
00:23:34Thank you very much!
00:23:35Love you, Mom.
00:23:36Love you too!
00:23:38I have my bad days,
00:23:39but I have a lot of good days today.
00:23:42We gotta try this, yeah.
00:23:44And with the help of my surrounding support,
00:23:47I'm learning to live with it,
00:23:48instead of avoiding it.
00:23:50See you soon!
00:23:52I love you!
00:23:53I couldn't allow my son to take care of me.
00:23:55As long as I'm pretty much in good shape,
00:23:59I need to provide for myself.
00:24:24So, how have you been?
00:24:28I've been okay.
00:24:31I'm a little tired today.
00:24:33I didn't get much sleep.
00:24:36My mind is constantly racing from one place to another,
00:24:39and just comes to just tired.
00:24:44Have you been having any nightmares
00:24:46or any flashbacks or anything like that lately?
00:24:51My neighbors, they've been fighting a lot.
00:24:54There's a lot of domestic stuff going on.
00:24:58And just hearing the yelling and the banging
00:25:03and things breaking, and it's just like,
00:25:07it drives me nuts.
00:25:09It just takes me back to when, you know,
00:25:13I was at that point in my life.
00:25:18What's coming up for you?
00:25:19I mean, it takes so much out of me to keep pushing myself.
00:25:23Am I gonna have the guts to go and do what I need to do?
00:25:32You're always going to have the memories,
00:25:34but they're not going to be as painful.
00:25:38They don't interrupt and interfere with your life as much.
00:25:42And you have the determination to not give up on yourself.
00:25:46A lot of people give up. They're tired.
00:25:51You have the strength
00:25:55because of everything that you've been through.
00:25:59Everything that you say, I totally believe.
00:26:03But something happens once I pass the door
00:26:05and I go back into the real world.
00:26:08But you can do it.
00:26:12You are fighting for a reason.
00:26:26What I don't like about me now is all the anger I have.
00:26:31I've built up a bad resume with people
00:26:34because of the faint attitude, my temper.
00:26:40I want to break this cycle.
00:26:42I don't want to pass this on to my son.
00:26:45And if I don't do it, it's just going to continue,
00:26:49and it's going to continue, and it's going to continue.
00:27:06I'm a fifth-generation New Orleanian.
00:27:10I deeply love the city.
00:27:12It's an integral part of who I am.
00:27:17Prior to the storm, we lived in a 1,500-square-foot,
00:27:20beautiful Victorian house in the Treme.
00:27:22Three bedrooms and a library and double parlor
00:27:25and the high ceilings.
00:27:27In hindsight, it was very cheap rent.
00:27:32So we're grateful to live in this warehouse.
00:27:45I found this position as a caretaker.
00:27:49Someone to make sure the doors are closed at night,
00:27:51the trash goes out on Tuesdays,
00:27:53and the bathroom stays stocked.
00:27:59It enabled me to have some semblance of stability and a home.
00:28:05It took us two years to find a way back home
00:28:08because of housing shortages following the storm.
00:28:13That's a problem.
00:28:14We might need a new crankcase just for that.
00:28:17Our marriage was under great strength.
00:28:21You know, we've had some rough patches.
00:28:23Not every day is a joyous, sunshine day.
00:28:28But we're on the same page about building a house here.
00:28:36Hi, Jeff.
00:28:39Coming to peace with my decision to come home
00:28:41definitely helped with the anxiety.
00:28:44I'm coming back into a community that, as a whole,
00:28:47has been through this trauma.
00:28:53It's much healthier for me personally to be here because I'm in this community of people with a shared similar
00:28:59experience.
00:29:02But, you know, I sedate myself to sleep with Valium.
00:29:07I have nightmares of alligators and dogs ripping my neighbors apart.
00:29:12Of people floating in the water.
00:29:16Of water coming in quickly.
00:29:21I think if I were to seek professional psychiatric help that it would absolutely have to come from someone who
00:29:28had been in the military and who had seen war at the very least.
00:29:31Because otherwise, how would they understand my feelings?
00:29:42I got an email from a veterans organization and they said,
00:29:46there's this program out there which wanted to pair service dogs with disabled veterans.
00:29:53are Nar Lehman.
00:29:54Roger Moore!
00:30:16A guy named Adam
00:30:19A guy named William
00:30:23going to go on to soldiers, actually warriors, they're warriors more than soldiers. And I'd like
00:30:31to thank Louise for keeping this group as a group, keeping them a team all the way through it.
00:30:38Usually in team training we'll have like one red-headed stepchild out there hanging out,
00:30:43but not in this one. It was Louise who kept everyone together. Thank you, Louise.
00:30:53The greatest thing that a service dog can do is, I think, to provide that unconditional love that is missing.
00:31:03Looks like family.
00:31:08Right, Tuesday.
00:31:11Tuesday, come.
00:31:13It's not going to solve everything, obviously, but I think it's going to liberate me in many ways.
00:31:20The most important thing to me is to live a purposeful life.
00:31:26You have to fight to be happy.
00:31:30And I will not go gently into that good night.
00:31:39Now, which is the way you said that with Shara?
00:31:42When we were inside here coming out.
00:31:44I'm working on becoming a social worker.
00:31:47The year is 1899 and 1900.
00:31:51Eventually, get licensed and be a therapist myself, so that I can specialize in PTSD.
00:32:00Because nobody can really put it across the table like a person who's living it every day.
00:32:08America was a superpower industrially.
00:32:11And he believed that it followed...
00:32:13And being out of school since I was 14, going back to school at the age of 40, so much,
00:32:21it's a big gap that there's a lot of stuff missing there.
00:32:24And my fear is that I'm going to fail.
00:32:29I have to stay positive.
00:32:31And I try not to put a thought into what if it doesn't work out.
00:32:34But if it doesn't, it's not a pretty picture.
00:32:52I didn't want to go get psychological help.
00:32:55For me personally, it was almost narcissistic in that, you know, why should I go get help when there's 100
00:33:03,000 other people just like me or more?
00:33:05And we're all going to just muddle through it.
00:33:10Sleeping bags, grill.
00:33:12This whole box is camping supplies.
00:33:14We have this queen for emergency repairs.
00:33:16There's tarps over here.
00:33:17Bleach is very important for health.
00:33:18There's extra dog food propane.
00:33:20This is the weather witch.
00:33:22A hurricane kit.
00:33:25Oh, God.
00:33:28There's fire starters.
00:33:29Oh, emergency blanket.
00:33:32Water purification tablets.
00:33:34Baby wipes for hippie baths.
00:33:35Hydrogen peroxide.
00:33:36Anti-itch cream hand sanitizer.
00:33:38Lots of first aid stuff.
00:33:40Not enough first aid stuff, I'm sure.
00:33:42We learned from Katrina we have to be self-sufficient.
00:33:45Lots of protein.
00:33:46We have oysters, smoked oysters.
00:33:49Freeze-dried chili.
00:33:50And the list goes on.
00:33:52This is like, this has to be like, just totally PTSD'd out.
00:33:56Even with all this, it doesn't guarantee safety.
00:33:59I do feel more in control of my situation being in New Orleans.
00:34:05Having the weather witch.
00:34:06Having the box.
00:34:08I'm just not going to live my life running from my fate.
00:34:12My fate is intertwined with my city.
00:34:14And I think a lot of people feel that way.
00:34:17Like a captain going down with a ship.
00:34:32Hey, Tuesday, go get your bone.
00:34:36Go get your bone.
00:34:38Go get your bone.
00:34:40Good boy.
00:34:44In the season of love.
00:34:46You know, in the season of hope and peace and holidays and, you know, and all of that stuff.
00:34:54It wears on you to find your mind consumed with some of the bad things that you have seen and
00:35:02done.
00:35:06Tuesday has been a godsend and, you know, obviously he is my best friends, you know.
00:35:15We spend every minute of every day together.
00:35:21Yeah.
00:35:22That's nice.
00:35:23But a disproportionate amount of time is spent thinking about the past.
00:35:34There are dates where you think about these anniversaries.
00:35:42January 8th.
00:35:44Helicopter crashes in 2006.
00:35:47A number of friends of mine are killed.
00:35:51November 2nd.
00:35:532003.
00:35:54Two Shinnik helicopters crash.
00:36:00November 4th.
00:36:01Where elements of the Syrian army attack one of my convoys.
00:36:06You know, December 21st.
00:36:10The attack on me.
00:36:21What if the worst thing that ever happened to you kept happening to you?
00:36:29Makes you want to drill a hole in your head to try to get the demons out.
00:36:59I don't think that a person who's been in serious combat ever gets over it.
00:37:04I don't think that a person who's been in serious combat ever gets over the trauma.
00:37:08At the same time, I don't succumb to being powerless because of the infinite amount of influence a single person
00:37:19can make.
00:37:20I ask myself, are you living purposefully?
00:37:27As far as the problems with reintegration into the United States after deployments, there are many.
00:37:36I masked my symptoms, I admittedly drank to self-medicate.
00:37:43Do you feel like what you're doing is part of something?
00:37:48Is it making a difference?
00:37:50With respect to suicide prevention and post-traumatic stress disorder, 150 annual suicides was the active duty number of suicides
00:38:00last year.
00:38:01The highest year since the army started tabulating those figures in 1980.
00:38:07While conferences like this warm my heart, why aren't there more veterans here?
00:38:13Why aren't there more students here?
00:38:16Children and adults with often invisible or less immediately identifiable disabilities can become independent with the assistance of a dog.
00:38:26War is what I do.
00:38:28I think for me to take up the challenge of working towards a law that changes things for people who
00:38:37have service dogs for the better.
00:38:41It's all part of a healing process.
00:38:50Senator Al Franken has introduced legislation which will set up a pilot program within the Department of Veterans Affairs
00:38:56to pair service dogs with veterans who have physical or mental wounds, including PTSD.
00:39:02His inspiration, a New York veteran and his service dog, Tuesday.
00:39:17He was elected to the Senate as a member of the Democratic Farmer Labor Party and sworn in on a
00:39:23Tuesday, July 7, 2009.
00:39:27I thought I'd let Tuesday speak about how grateful we are for the destiny of Tuesdays that have led to
00:39:33this moment.
00:39:35Tuesday?
00:39:36Speak.
00:39:37Speak.
00:39:38Speak.
00:39:39Speak.
00:39:42Speak.
00:39:42Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Al Franken.
00:39:45Speak.
00:39:47Speak.
00:39:51Speak.
00:39:58Speak.
00:40:01Speak.
00:40:02We need more service dogs for vets.
00:40:05And Luis, after being wounded the way he was, and you know that he walks on a cane, also has
00:40:11PTSD.
00:40:14And it's pretty severe.
00:40:16And I said, well, tell me what Tuesday does for you.
00:40:22Here's what Tuesday can do.
00:40:24Tuesday can anticipate and ward off a panic attack from hearing the changes in Luis's breathing patterns.
00:40:36Tuesday can wake Luis from a debilitating nightmare.
00:40:44So I started talking to other veterans, and they told me that their dogs help break their isolation.
00:40:52That when you have a dog, you actually have to take the dog out.
00:40:59I'm so proud that we passed the bill.
00:41:05In a few weeks, it's a service dogs for veterans bill.
00:41:24I'm on the way down to the courthouse.
00:41:28I'm actually being asked to go there to be a juror.
00:41:32It's the same exact court where I was going, trying to get out of there because of my drinking,
00:41:42which led me to have a few DUIs.
00:41:47It's the cop cars.
00:41:58That triggers me.
00:42:01It triggers me.
00:42:02It scares me.
00:42:03I'll get fearful again.
00:42:12I'm sorry.
00:42:23It's just the whole attitude these officers have.
00:42:32It's like domestic violence, you know.
00:42:37They tell you to report it.
00:42:39You go and you report it.
00:42:40You get the paperwork.
00:42:43And, you know, even though you have the paperwork, it doesn't help you.
00:42:46It doesn't save you.
00:42:47Because they literally have to see you with a broken arm or a black eye.
00:42:52And sometimes, even with that, they still, you know, well, he didn't kill you.
00:42:59I get like this.
00:43:00My joints hurt.
00:43:03I feel pain everywhere.
00:43:06And it's just mentally, my body hurts sometimes.
00:43:14I knew that this was going to happen.
00:43:16I was trying to not break it down.
00:43:39There's this weather blog I go to.
00:43:41I've gotten kind of fond of some of the folks.
00:43:43But every day during season, I go through all the models to see what's happening.
00:43:53There's the first one, Danielle, Earl, and that'll be Fiona.
00:43:58On this model, Earl Scraping, North Carolina.
00:44:03And these are GFS, Global Forecast System.
00:44:07Here you can see Fiona will get sucked up into Earl and start to spin around.
00:44:13It makes me feel more in control of my potential outcome.
00:44:26Thank you very much.
00:44:27Oh, you're so great.
00:44:28Awesome. Awesome.
00:44:31Yes, thank you.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:37Thank you very much.
00:44:38We'll see you soon.
00:44:39Yes.
00:44:49Yes, stay.
00:44:52Good boy.
00:44:54Stay.
00:45:07Let's go.
00:45:08Open the door.
00:45:10Bullshit.
00:45:11Open the door.
00:45:14Bullshit.
00:45:15We're discriminating.
00:45:16Open the door.
00:45:18Let's go.
00:45:20Open the door.
00:45:29Let's go.
00:45:34So many people don't have a clue.
00:45:38I mean, they don't have a clue what the experiences are, both on the battlefield and in the aftermath,
00:45:55the day-to-day that, you know, you're seeing here.
00:46:05And, you know, they'll get it.
00:46:23They'll get it eventually, they'll get it.
00:46:25Uh, because, uh, if the country ignores the problem like it ignored it in Vietnam, if
00:46:37it ignores it this time around, which I don't think it will, and I hope it won't, God help
00:46:52us all.
00:47:02You said that you've had a lot of thoughts about your dad lately.
00:47:06And I'm just gonna call you out, you haven't been in, and you have a tendency to avoid.
00:47:15When you feel that urge to avoid, that's when you need to come in the most.
00:47:19I really thought I was over the whole dad thing.
00:47:22I really thought I was over that.
00:47:23We're never gonna be over it.
00:47:24It's never gonna be over forever.
00:47:25But I really thought I was over it.
00:47:27It's like a tattoo.
00:47:28It's there for life.
00:47:30You just gotta learn how to work through it and deal with it, and it gets a little easier
00:47:34every time.
00:47:35But it's work, and it's hard work.
00:47:37I just, I hate, I hate the feelings.
00:47:40You know I hate the feelings.
00:47:41I know you hate the feelings.
00:47:42I know it's scary, but you have to let it out.
00:47:45And the thing is too, you're 19.
00:47:47If you deal with this now, you can have a healthy, happy, functional, successful adult
00:47:55life.
00:47:56If you don't deal with this now, you get to the point where you can't feel feelings
00:48:02at all, where you live in the cave.
00:48:04Yeah.
00:48:05I have my moments.
00:48:06I don't wanna go, and all of a sudden, body-wise, I get sick.
00:48:11But I come back to group, I can dump all my stuff in this room, and I feel so much
00:48:17better,
00:48:17and I leave.
00:48:18But I have to sit here and be honest and say that I do have my bumps, and I do
00:48:24have
00:48:24my humps.
00:48:25And you know, you really helped Erin when she was in her low point.
00:48:29And do you remember you said that she was your hero, and that...
00:48:34She still is.
00:48:36Yes.
00:48:37Like, she really, like, she really is, like, honestly, like, how she's pushed herself,
00:48:43how she knows that she has to get the help.
00:48:45She inspires you.
00:48:46You inspire her.
00:48:47All the...
00:48:47Everybody here.
00:48:48We inspire each other.
00:48:49Exactly.
00:48:49Life is gonna keep happening.
00:48:51You have ups.
00:48:52You have downs.
00:48:54That's the essence of PTSD.
00:48:56When you start to do the healing, it slowly becomes less ups and less downs.
00:49:02And it becomes, like, instead of a gaping wound, like a scar.
00:49:06It's going to be there, but it's not going to be as painful.
00:49:26We've touched on this a little bit before, that where's your advocate who takes care of
00:49:32you?
00:49:33Where are my advocates?
00:49:35You're dying, or you're moving, or you're...
00:49:38You got other life plans.
00:49:40Yeah.
00:49:43Who's I leave you with?
00:49:46Just me and Tuesday.
00:49:48But I'll be okay.
00:49:49I've been in worse spots.
00:49:52I have no doubt that you will land on your feet.
00:49:56I recall when you first came in here, just feeling like so many injustices had happened,
00:50:07and I felt like you were so alone in this battle.
00:50:10And over the time that we've seen each other, I really felt like we became teammates, in a
00:50:17sense, in whatever capacity we could.
00:50:21And you showed the dedication.
00:50:24And, um, I know what a loss it was to not be the person you were.
00:50:44Say bye to Michelle.
00:50:46Right Tuesday.
00:51:04I really, really value the therapy on Tuesday.
00:51:14I need to be able to connect with someone on a mental and sort of spiritual level so that
00:51:22I can trust them and, um, and also somebody that, you know, goddammit, that's not gonna,
00:51:30you know, leave.
00:51:39I'm moving to a studio apartment on the Upper West Side.
00:51:44Here's the hold.
00:51:45And, um...
00:51:46Good boy.
00:51:49Let's go.
00:51:50I'm really happy to be moving.
00:51:54You know, I feel like it's a whole new chapter.
00:51:59There are a lot of things that, that I hope to accomplish.
00:52:04You know, the key is, is to make things as efficient as, as possible.
00:52:08So I can advocate for veterans, I can advocate for refugees, and, and, um, advocate for myself.
00:52:16My therapist, my former therapist would, would appreciate that remark.
00:52:22Uh, uh, uh, who, by the way, I miss a lot.
00:52:39It's been essentially a decade of construction.
00:52:44My husband's gotten very good at construction.
00:52:46He was good at it anyway, but he's very confident in, in, you know, building things now.
00:52:51Cause he hadn't really stopped building things for 10 years.
00:52:59Last.
00:53:04This was one giant room.
00:53:07The whole thing was 1800 square feet and open.
00:53:11You've built out, pretty much, not by yourself, but your hands have been on every part of it.
00:53:18Out of pocket, when you have free time.
00:53:21The diffusers that I built are just totally random wood.
00:53:25That's the leftover wood from building all of the rest of the absorbers.
00:53:29So rather than throw away, you know, a few hundred linear feet of lumber.
00:53:35I think repurposing things really got, um, I think Katrina had a lot to do with that.
00:53:41Cause everyone's had to kind of stretch and think outside of the box a little.
00:53:44You know, while Katrina was a horrible, awful experience, um, that very much changed me as a person.
00:53:53It still led to a bunch of really cool things.
00:53:57There's no way that we would have a recording studio if Katrina hadn't had.
00:54:24The mission is not over.
00:54:27The war is not over.
00:54:31There's so much more to this than a single conversation.
00:54:38I think that there is a number of problems and a lot of pain that have not been discussed.
00:54:54So I want to try to write a book.
00:55:01The book is a duty.
00:55:04It's something that I have to do.
00:55:08I owe it to those I served with.
00:55:12I owe it to the veterans and their family members.
00:55:18But it's hard because I have to revisit painful memories over and over and over and over and over and
00:55:27over and over and over again.
00:55:28In as much detail as possible.
00:55:57My hope is that, on a personal level, is that the book lessens,
00:56:00my own pain, and enables me to move forward, having really studied the journey.
00:56:39And I'll be looking forward to the population.bing
00:56:40out the Number 3 The
00:56:52Oh, I should have had this done last night.
00:56:54I can't believe this.
00:57:01Okay, sister love.
00:57:03Is that okay?
00:57:05Is it too much?
00:57:06Now you look like a fish.
00:57:08I look like a fish.
00:57:11I kind of was like her mentor when she was growing up.
00:57:15But we separated when she moved to Florida.
00:57:18There was a lot of distance and a lot of stuff.
00:57:20And the lifestyle that she was living in Florida,
00:57:23well, I wasn't around to see at all.
00:57:27I only knew what she shared with me.
00:57:30And I knew a lot of her hardships.
00:57:34But some of that she chose to not share.
00:57:39Why are you taking all that?
00:57:40Give me that.
00:57:41Because I'm going to bust out last thing real quick.
00:57:44This is going to take her to another level.
00:57:47He's the first one in the family that has graduated from college.
00:57:54I hate being late.
00:58:01We got to go over there.
00:58:28Oh my God, my family is here.
00:58:56From a little girl, I was always told I was stupid.
00:58:59And I don't ever amount to anything.
00:59:05I used to tell myself I'll never experience a prom.
00:59:08I'll never experience what it is to walk across a stage at a graduation.
00:59:11And feel that greatness and have people be proud of me.
00:59:25Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you
00:59:32the graduating class of Miami-Dade College, Wilson Campus.
00:59:43I can't believe you guys did this.
00:59:46You guys are just...
00:59:47Your sister put it up.
00:59:48Oh my God.
00:59:50You have...
00:59:51What?
00:59:52You guys got me so good.
00:59:54I can't believe you're here.
00:59:55And Mikey, I can't believe you flew.
00:59:58First time with us.
00:59:59And then just kind of play back when I first started five years ago,
01:00:05just about five years ago, the way I was.
01:00:07Son and mother, true love to the bone.
01:00:11I just kept, you know, thanking God and saying,
01:00:13wow, thank you for getting me out the rump.
01:00:15Knowing that when I leave here tonight,
01:00:18I don't have to go run to a bar to celebrate.
01:00:21I can celebrate in a different way.
01:00:22Say cheese.
01:00:24Because that was me in the past, you know.
01:00:26I would go celebrate,
01:00:28but my celebration would always end up in a tragic way.
01:00:35Wait, Tuesday.
01:00:36Hey, Mikey.
01:00:41Hey, good boy.
01:01:02I had performed well in Iraq.
01:01:04I was being rewarded,
01:01:06and it felt great.
01:01:07At my promotion ceremony,
01:01:09I turned to my men
01:01:10and enthusiastically recited from memory
01:01:13the Army's new soldier creed.
01:01:16I am an American soldier.
01:01:17I am disciplined physically and mentally tough,
01:01:20trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
01:01:24I went to counseling,
01:01:25but I never mentioned my chronic pain,
01:01:28stress, or swirling anxiety
01:01:30that had settled over my life.
01:01:32I was proud of my service.
01:01:36I had a bright future.
01:01:39I believed in Operation Iraqi Freedom,
01:01:41and especially in the Iraqis themselves.
01:01:44I am an American soldier.
01:01:46I am an expert,
01:01:47and I am a professional.
01:01:48But at the same time,
01:01:50I was coming unmoored,
01:01:51my mind dwelling on the hand-to-hand struggle for my life,
01:01:54the Syrian ambush,
01:01:55the sandstorms,
01:01:57the riots,
01:01:58and Ali, Ahmad, and Maher,
01:02:00the men left behind.
01:02:02I am a guardian of freedom
01:02:03and the American way of life.
01:02:05I will never leave a fallen comrade,
01:02:08fueled my downward drive.
01:02:13I am a guardian of freedom.
01:02:40You know, I was a warrior,
01:02:42and to go from that to being broken
01:02:47is very difficult.
01:02:51Oh, yeah, there it goes.
01:02:53I get a hug.
01:02:55It's ridiculous.
01:02:58Writing this book
01:03:00was the hardest thing I've ever done.
01:03:03It was harder than Iraq.
01:03:05But I had to write this book
01:03:08for my own healing,
01:03:11and one of the hopes of this book
01:03:14is that it touches you in such a way
01:03:17that you have a better understanding
01:03:19of the afflictions of 650,000-plus
01:03:23and ever-growing veterans.
01:03:26Thank you, brother.
01:03:30It's a chick.
01:03:32Do I have enough?
01:03:33Yes.
01:03:35Tuesday has been able to
01:03:40rekindle my ambition,
01:03:43my goals, my dreams,
01:03:44my hopes, my wishes,
01:03:47and that's to help people.
01:03:56I like that shirt.
01:03:57I like the outfit.
01:03:59This is Mark Echo.
01:04:00It was only $9.99 at Walmart.
01:04:02I see my mom now.
01:04:05She's getting her degree.
01:04:06She's happy.
01:04:07She's going to have a 9-to-5.
01:04:09She's going to make a difference
01:04:10in the world.
01:04:11Took her 46 years,
01:04:12you know,
01:04:13but hey,
01:04:15it's coming now,
01:04:16and I feel like, you know,
01:04:17sooner or later,
01:04:18it's going to happen for me too.
01:04:21This just bring me back
01:04:22when I first tried to teach you
01:04:24how to try.
01:04:26Believe it or not,
01:04:27although my son is a grown man now,
01:04:29he's still my little boy,
01:04:30and I want him to be proud of me.
01:04:35She went down.
01:04:37She used to look up to me,
01:04:39and now I'm looking up to her.
01:04:55This got rebuilt and tagged,
01:04:57but that was just in terrible shape,
01:04:59and they haven't moved in yet,
01:05:01but they've rebuilt that.
01:05:02This got torn down.
01:05:04This one's getting torn down,
01:05:06and this one should probably
01:05:07be getting torn down too.
01:05:09And this is our
01:05:11hunk of joy here.
01:05:18Anyway, come on in.
01:05:19DJ found this house,
01:05:20and he was interested in buying it
01:05:22without ever even looking
01:05:23through the window
01:05:23or opening the door.
01:05:24Thicker floorboards.
01:05:25I think I still have to
01:05:26clean those floorboards.
01:05:27It's been here since the 1850s.
01:05:29It's never flooded.
01:05:31It's high ground.
01:05:33That'll be the living room.
01:05:34This will be the kitchen
01:05:35on that wall,
01:05:36dining on this wall.
01:05:38DJ built this out,
01:05:39and that'll be our shower,
01:05:40and that's going to be
01:05:41our bathroom sink.
01:05:43This will be the master bedroom.
01:05:45We're going to live here
01:05:46a long time, I think.
01:05:49Yeah.
01:05:50I love it.
01:05:52I love it.
01:05:54It'll be 10 years since Katrina.
01:05:56It'll be our 10th wedding anniversary.
01:05:59It'd be good to
01:06:01just be settled in here.
01:06:03When that 10-year mark rolls around,
01:06:05that'd be pretty sweet
01:06:08and I'd feel pretty triumphant
01:06:09about that, I think, you know.
01:06:11So, yep.
01:06:15I don't think there'll be a place
01:06:16for the hurricane box here, though.
01:06:19Yeah.
01:06:21How's it going?
01:06:24Hey, how's it going?
01:06:25My symptoms have
01:06:27markedly subsided.
01:06:30It's been 10 years,
01:06:32and I still cringe
01:06:33at the sound
01:06:34of low-flying helicopters,
01:06:35but it no longer
01:06:37triggers panic attacks.
01:06:44This is home
01:06:45in all of its
01:06:46dysfunctional glory.
01:06:50It feels right.
01:06:55.
01:06:57.
01:07:00.
01:07:33I'm right now. I can't move. I think I broke my neck. I can't move. I can't move.
01:07:41I tried to flip my throat yesterday. It didn't work, so I flipped my wrist.
01:07:51I really want to tell anybody. It's okay. Does nobody believe me? Nobody wants to help me.
01:07:59Okay. Nobody's helping me. Nobody's helping me. So I just want to kill us all. Okay?
01:08:09I can't move. I can't move.
01:08:19I can't move. I can't move.
01:08:45Hi. It's Catherine Warden. I'm an ex-client of hers.
01:08:54Hi. Hey, Kathy. I'm sorry to interrupt your session, but I'm literally, like, minutes away
01:08:59into entering this program for the next year, so I won't be able to really touch base with
01:09:11you. I know. Your voice is making me cry. I've been good up to this point. He says,
01:09:19we've been through this so long together, you know?
01:09:24I'm really, really proud of the fact that you've made this decision for yourself, and
01:09:30you're, you know, moving forward with your life, because you've got so much going for
01:09:36you. You just have to start to remember and realize your potential, and just free yourself
01:09:41of all the demons in the past, and all the hurt, and everything, and, and start to live
01:09:46at this now, this moment.
01:09:52We have a self-worth that all of us, as humans, have a self-worth, but some of us never
01:09:59find
01:09:59it.
01:10:00I spend many times praying and keeping hope alive that you will get to this point where
01:10:08you will see that you matter and that you need to define you, the young lady you never
01:10:17knew who you were, your identity. If you don't have an identity, you just don't have a worth.
01:10:27I knew this moment was going to come. I just knew it. I had to be patient for you to
01:10:34get
01:10:34here, to this destination. This is the house right here.
01:10:45Okay, goodbye phone. I'm going to miss this. I'm so addicted to texting. No phone for a year.
01:10:56She's really going to be okay.
01:11:13I'll be here for three months. From here, I'll be moved to another location, where I will finish
01:11:19the remaining seven months.
01:11:25It's not being a victim anymore, and, and having a sense of purpose, feeling that I am a person,
01:11:35that I am a woman.
01:11:39It's about me moving on.
01:11:41It's about me moving on.
01:12:01Progress.
01:12:03Yes.
01:12:06Yes.
01:12:07Yes.
01:12:08Yes.
01:12:09Yes.
01:12:46You know, people ask me, well, how did Tuesday save my life?
01:12:52He helped me to re-realize my potential for happiness, my potential to contribute, to have a meaningful life.
01:13:06And to be not confined to my apartment and confined to the demons in my mind.
01:13:12Our next guest is a 17-year veteran of the United States Army.
01:13:16He is also the author of this new book entitled Till Tuesday.
01:13:19Will Tuesday come over and give me a hug here?
01:13:20Oh, are you kidding?
01:13:21Come on.
01:13:22That's one of the things that he does.
01:13:23What do I do?
01:13:23Here, Tuesday.
01:13:24Jump on.
01:13:25Oh.
01:13:25Snuggle.
01:13:28My hope is that in a number of years, we're just going to see dogs all over the place.
01:13:35And that's what I want.
01:13:41A culture is behind in being honest about dealing with trauma.
01:13:5022.
01:13:51Veterans a day commit suicide in this country.
01:13:55Where is the war?
01:13:56Is it in Afghanistan?
01:14:00Is it in Iraq?
01:14:02Or is it here, on American soil?
01:14:07On American soil?
01:14:27Or is it in Afghanistan?
01:14:39In阶
01:14:54In
01:14:55In
01:14:55morning
01:14:55In
01:14:55In
01:14:56In
01:14:56In
01:14:56In
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