- 1 day ago
مسلسل Count Abdulla مترجم - Episode 1
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Short filmTranscript
00:25Oh, not again.
00:30Oh, not again.
00:39Please don't kill me, I'm still a virgin.
00:41What?
00:43Hey, broadcast that to the worldwide, don't you?
00:48It's not flippin' funny, man.
00:50Hey, hey, man, chill.
00:51Hey, come on, bro.
00:52No, that was priceless, man.
00:53Come on.
00:54Hey, that was funny, man.
00:55No, it wasn't, bro.
00:56You scared the shit out of me.
00:57Bro, man like us can't be afraid of anything, you feel me?
01:02Hey, bad shit don't happen to good Muslims.
01:05Look, what have you got to be afraid of when you step out of that mosque, huh?
01:07Lots of things.
01:09Islamophobia, diabetes, ghouls.
01:10Ghouls.
01:11Bro, Muslims ain't vulnerable to scary shit, trust me.
01:16When was the last time you saw a brother in a horror movie, huh?
01:18Or with a ghost, or a werewolf, or I don't know, even like a-
01:22A vampire.
01:26You see, I would have thought vampires would be into Muslims, you know.
01:31I mean, I've tried Jewish, Buddhist, lots of Christian blood, and an increasing amount of atheist blood.
01:38But I must say, out of all of them, Muslim blood.
01:41Or halal blood, if you will, taste the best.
01:45Now, virgin blood is something we've historically been interested in.
01:49It's just so hard to come by nowadays without serious ethical issues.
01:53Fuck this, man.
01:55She just come from nowhere.
01:56I don't understand.
01:58She's on me, she's on me, bro.
01:59But halal virgin blood.
02:01Well, finding that is like...
02:03Well, it's like Christmas.
02:04Christmas.
02:05We don't really believe in Christmas, ladies, so-
02:08Well, of course you don't.
02:09But isn't it Ramadan?
02:10The month of charity.
02:12What's that got to do with anything?
02:14Well, there's no better time than now, to give blood.
02:18You'll get that shit away from us, you nutter!
02:21What's the problem, boys?
02:29You should be grateful.
02:31It's against my ethics to use these bad boys.
02:52Oh, quit whining the needles clean.
03:02Oh!
03:03Oh-oh-oh!
03:03Oh, come on, come on!
03:05No!
03:19Have we true?
03:20It's not what it looks like?
03:21Oh, yeah?
03:22Then what's that little bulge forming under you're...
03:24Oh, it-it-it's a classic horror movie.
03:27Yeah, it doesn't look like Nostra Ronde's two.
03:28We both know that's a load of exploitative old crap.
03:31There were horrors out there.
03:33Mildly racist boomers.
03:34Not exactly the evil dead, are they?
03:38Don't think they'll let you off so easy, Abs.
03:41They'll look right through those cute brown boy looks of yours
03:43and ask if an English doctor is available.
03:50Cute.
03:58What do you think?
04:08Abdullah, why aren't you at the mosque?
04:11Mom.
04:11Have you forgotten what day it is today?
04:13Wednesday?
04:15It's Ivihala, which I guess you would have known
04:18had you bothered to give a single fast.
04:20If you hadn't just finished medical school,
04:22I would have you backed off to Pakistan.
04:26Hi. Good morning.
04:28Good morning.
04:31What have I told you about cracking out
04:33the Asian mum impression in the middle of my shift?
04:37But seriously, when you're coming home,
04:39we can't leave your mum alone on either of all days.
04:41I know, I won't be long, it's just...
04:43What was that noise?
04:45I don't know, I'd better go.
04:47Oh!
04:48Oh!
04:49Oh!
04:50Oh!
04:52Oh!
04:53Oh!
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh!
04:56Oh!
04:57Oh!
04:58Oh!
05:00Please, please.
05:02Oh!
05:07Oh!
05:09Please, no, no, no!
05:10Don't mind me!
05:11Don't mind me!
05:12Don't mind me!
05:12Don't mind me!
05:12Please, please!
05:14Don't mind me!
05:14Don't mind me!
05:15Please, don't mind me!
05:16Hey, Maj, Maj, Maj!
05:16It's me, me!
05:17Hello!
05:18Hi!
05:18Abdullah Khan.
05:19We used to go to Koran school together.
05:20Oh, it's good to see another brother, bro.
05:23You're low on blood.
05:24Please relax.
05:26Is there...
05:28something you want to tell me?
05:29Be afraid, I'm just...
05:31Be very afraid.
05:33Maj, I'm not going to rat you out to the Haran, please.
05:35You can tell me if you're getting high.
05:37Bro, bro.
05:38They're real.
05:39What's real?
05:41Vampires.
05:41What?
05:43Vampires, man!
05:44Fucking vampires!
05:44And do you know what the worst thing is?
05:47They like Muslims.
05:52Vampires like Muslims.
05:53At least someone does in this climate.
05:55Okay, no, no, no.
05:56Vampires wouldn't like Muslims.
05:57Why do you say that?
05:58Well, for the same reason,
06:00black characters in horror movies always die first.
06:03Monsters don't like people of colour.
06:04I didn't know monsters were so bigoted.
06:07What, do you think they woke?
06:08If Immortal Creatures of the Night weren't our side abs,
06:10do you really think that there'd be racism,
06:12colonialism, sexism?
06:13Well, there are lesbian vampires.
06:14Like the feminist icons from the James Gordon classic
06:17lesbian vampire killers.
06:19What about Dracula?
06:21No, Transylvanian count wreaking havoc
06:23on would-be British colonisers.
06:25Who literally became a vampire
06:26to stop Middle East and immigration to Europe?
06:30Your patient was definitely tripping.
06:32I don't know.
06:33This time of year for us, it's...
06:34I didn't know Muslims celebrated Halloween.
06:36Halloween?
06:40Today?
06:42Shit.
06:43Shit, shit.
06:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:45It's Eid today.
06:47It can't be Halloween.
06:49You're not sucking off my party, are you?
06:51Well, I don't want to.
06:53I just didn't know it would fall today.
06:55You know, the lunar calendar,
06:56it's a different day every year.
06:57My mum would be furious if you knew that.
06:59Please, all right,
06:59spare me the classic Asian mommy's boy act.
07:02You're a grown-ass man.
07:03You're far from the perfect Muslim,
07:05and we all know that.
07:06Yeah, but...
07:07But what?
07:08You can't keep living your life for other people, Abs.
07:11I...
07:12I...
07:13Fine.
07:15Eid Mubarak, then.
07:16No, Amrita, I'm sorry.
07:22You've really fucked it now, man.
07:25Fucked what?
07:46Well, let's hope you can see you are on the night.
07:49And a few night skates are full of the media.
07:52£30.
07:58Back over to the police,
07:59and have you joined them in the auction house.
08:05Over to the auctioneer.
08:07Well, I'm the guy who just sit down,
08:09and I'll break long in a bit for the auction chair.
08:17Abdullah!
08:19Abdullah, wake up!
08:24Come on!
08:25I found the same crochet auntie,
08:27tell me what I gave you.
08:29It matches my outfit.
08:30I'm so excited.
08:31Come on, open up!
08:34Abdullah!
08:39What, Mum?
08:40Uncle Jabbar's eat party!
08:42Can you believe it?
08:43We finally got an invite.
08:44Not exactly the Met Gala, Mum.
08:45I tell you, ever since you graduated med school,
08:48all the other aunties have stopped treating me like Bindi at the buffet.
08:52Aren't you going to wear this kurta?
08:53I'm very happy for you, Mum,
08:56but I'm busy tonight.
08:58Busy?
08:59What could be more important than Eid?
09:03I'm Rita's party.
09:06Are you telling me
09:07that that Christian devil festival
09:09is more important
09:10than the holiest day of the Islamic calendar?
09:13All my friends are going to this party.
09:14It's our biggest night of the year.
09:17Fine.
09:19Cool.
09:24I'll just tell the aunties
09:27that both
09:28my husband
09:29and my only son
09:30have deserted me.
09:34Fine.
09:35I'll go.
09:39Thanks.
09:44Oh.
09:46Sir.
09:52Jesus Christ.
09:56I mean,
09:58Hai Allah.
10:21What does it look right?
10:22Oh,
10:23As-salamu alaykum.
10:24Eidnubare.
10:25Eidnubare.
10:25As-salamu alaykum.
10:26I've done a minute that way.
10:27Minute that way.
10:29They've gender-segregated the rooms.
10:31Oh,
10:31it'll be fine,
10:31Abdullah.
10:32You know,
10:33you can talk football
10:34with them all,
10:35driving four-by-fours
10:36and all that other manly stuff.
10:38We never get to talk
10:39about manly stuff
10:40when it's just,
10:41sorry,
10:42him and me at home,
10:43you know.
10:44Oh,
10:44As-salamu alaykum
10:45come,
10:46everybody.
10:51That's a very
10:52colourful kurta,
10:53Betty.
10:53Excuse me?
10:54You do know
10:54the ladies are in the other room.
10:57Come on,
10:58let's go.
11:02Sorry.
11:14Samsung, yeah?
11:16Sorry, uncle,
11:17I don't speak Urdu.
11:19Oh,
11:20English-stunny,
11:23catch the footy
11:24down the pub.
11:29Is it all right
11:30if I go out
11:30and get some air?
11:32Smoking?
11:33No,
11:34no,
11:34I just need to make a call.
11:38I could have gone
11:39full of fag.
11:47Got someone better to be?
11:49Sorry,
11:50do I know you?
11:52It's Abdul-Aqan,
11:53right?
11:53I think we took
11:54Quran classes
11:55back in the day.
11:56Be with a kid
11:57always wanted
11:57his Game Boy
11:58at the back.
11:59Ah, yeah.
12:00Had my cousin's
12:01Castlevania on it.
12:02Wicked game.
12:03Oh,
12:04well,
12:04still one of the
12:05cool kids,
12:06I see.
12:07It's Nahima Begum,
12:09isn't it?
12:10Salaamu Alaikum.
12:11Hey,
12:11it's fine.
12:13I heard you
12:14finish medical school.
12:15Yeah,
12:16save a life,
12:17save all of humanity
12:18and all that.
12:18More likely,
12:19you just wanted
12:20to beef up
12:20your bio data.
12:21Oh,
12:22well,
12:22what about you?
12:24You know,
12:24weren't too bad
12:25at Arabic,
12:26if I remember.
12:26Human rights lawyer.
12:28Eh,
12:28mo'
12:29bollack,
12:30bruv!
12:31These are my little
12:31cousin,
12:32abs.
12:32Look at you.
12:33All them years
12:34of that white school
12:35got you to Angora,
12:35innit?
12:36I missed you
12:37at the mosque
12:37this morning.
12:38Shafi!
12:38Imam,
12:39Shafi,
12:40to you,
12:41my bro,
12:41your boy's gonna be
12:42leading prayers
12:42around these parts
12:43soon.
12:44Hmm?
12:45Come to my next talk.
12:46What can 90s hip-hop
12:48tell us about
12:49the Quran?
12:50Wow.
12:51This Friday,
12:51inshaAllah.
12:52Amazing.
12:52That would explain
12:53the kurta.
12:54It's nice,
12:55innit?
12:56New line of Islamic wear.
12:58Looks more like
12:58Hounslow High Street
12:59than genuine
13:00Supreme Shafi.
13:04See,
13:05met my lovely
13:05if you want to say.
13:07Look,
13:08it's you two.
13:09That's right.
13:10Do you know what?
13:11I think I'd better
13:12go.
13:13Okay,
13:14yeah,
13:14don't be late
13:14to the talk,
13:15yeah?
13:15Friday,
13:16yalla.
13:18Abdullah!
13:21You're not leaving,
13:22are you?
13:22I've been getting
13:23marriage offers.
13:24That's nice,
13:24but I ain't gonna-
13:25You're staying!
13:33When you bite me,
13:36baby,
13:37it gets me mad
13:39Cause crazy lady
13:41you're the best
13:42I've ever had
13:45So bite me,
13:46baby,
13:47baby,
13:48just bite me bad
13:50Oh,
13:51baby,
13:51baby,
13:53please bite me hard
13:55I see you
13:56looking
13:57Oh,
13:58oh,
13:58oh,
14:01Is that
14:02keypabs?
14:03Or is that
14:03weed,
14:04Shafi?
14:31Oh,
14:32I trust you
14:35to forget
14:35the mean girl's rule
14:36of Halloween costumes
14:37Don't dress as anything
14:39pre-2000
14:39Oh,
14:41sexy,
14:41not scary
14:43Obviously,
14:43I'm not as shallow
14:44as you long
14:45Oh,
14:45no,
14:45you're as deep
14:46as a Pakistani boy
14:47in white face
14:48needs to be
14:49You made it,
14:50man,
14:51hey,
14:51what are you drinking?
14:53You got lemonade?
14:54Okay,
14:55I better not be you drinking,
14:56mate,
14:56Mum's mad enough
14:57at me for skipping Eid
14:59Chris,
15:00where is Amrita?
15:01In that get-up,
15:03I don't think it's happening
15:03tonight,
15:04mate,
15:04but
15:05Yeah,
15:09I love this point
15:13I drink your blood
15:15more
15:20Oh,
15:21shit,
15:21sorry,
15:22I'm so sorry
15:24What is that costume?
15:26What's the problem?
15:27You're a costume
15:29You're a colonist
15:31I'm a 19th century
15:32infantryman
15:33Oh,
15:34don't tell me
15:34that's politically
15:35incorrect somehow
15:37Quite obviously,
15:39actually
15:40Grow up,
15:41it's just a costume
15:42Who the fuck
15:43invited the investment
15:45wanker?
15:47Amy,
15:48what are you doing here?
15:49Listen,
15:49Rita,
15:50Fraser,
15:51are you serious?
15:52Who told you
15:53this was okay?
15:54Oh,
15:55there's nothing offensive
15:56about the British Empire
15:57Can you believe
15:59this coming from a guy
16:00who said he was only
16:01attracted to brown chicks?
16:03I told you that
16:04Get the fuck
16:05out of here
16:06before I call
16:07the political correctness
16:08please
16:08Go on,
16:09get
16:15Well,
16:16it doesn't make up
16:17for colonialism
16:18but it's a start
16:27And
16:28Ams,
16:29or should I say
16:29Count Adula,
16:31decided to go for
16:32the Islamophobic
16:33vampire of joy
16:34You can't talk,
16:36Bride of Frankenstein
16:37It's not exactly
16:38woke
16:39going as a character
16:40whose entire existence
16:42is defined by her husband
16:43You may as well
16:44have gone as a
16:45sexy handmaid's tale
16:49Fine
16:51So,
16:53you came
16:54I couldn't miss it
16:57That was amazing
16:59by the way
17:00Well,
17:01what can I say
17:01Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein
17:03is actually
17:03a feminist icon
17:04In the movie
17:05it's more about
17:06pleasuring zombies
17:06No,
17:07Frankenstein's not a zombie
17:09You mean
17:09Frankenstein's monster
17:12Fine,
17:13you got me
17:15So,
17:16you
17:16really dated
17:17that prick
17:18Just a
17:19white boy face
17:20Don't hold it
17:21against me
17:22Might never
17:25It's alive
17:27It's alive
17:28Frank,
17:30you made it
17:32This is of
17:32D'Ale
17:33one of my
17:34best friends
17:34Frankenstein's monster
17:36It's Frankenstein
17:37Thank you very much
17:39Oh,
17:39horror fan too
17:40Oh,
17:40absolutely
17:41Brian
17:42Are you
17:42Bela Nugosi
17:43or Christopher Lee
17:44era track
17:45I didn't think
17:46anybody
17:46I'm pulling your leg
17:47bro
17:47Obviously
17:48you're Lee
17:48But take a look
17:50at this one
17:50Our very own
17:53beautiful
17:55empowered
17:55Punjabi
17:56Rani
17:57of terror
18:03Guess
18:03the white boy
18:04phase isn't over
18:05you need to
18:07love
18:07love
18:08from
18:08to
18:08stadium
18:09to
18:09around
18:28to
18:29who are you
18:50what are you wearing what don't play down with me are you wearing what I think you're wearing
18:58I'm sorry I don't understand oh poor little posh boy don't understand old calf well listen here mate
19:06I don't think this is very funny well I'm not trying to be funny I'm trying to be scary that's
19:12even worse that is a terrible stereotype you're playing with what it's Halloween every year a
19:18thousand pricks just like you think it's okay to parade the streets dressed as something that
19:22they're not without a single thought for the people's whose culture they appropriate whoa I'm
19:28counteracted that's like literally the most common Halloween costume yeah but you're not count Dracula
19:33are you I mean not even one of us as far as I can tell what are you all about
19:38you even painted your
19:39face white the cheek we're not all pale and plastic fucking fangs it doesn't get more offensive than
19:46this give that back what the hell is your problem my problem is dickheads like you dragging good
19:54vampires through the dirt oh fuck right off
20:22shit shit not the teeth coming
20:27fucking teeth
20:28fuck fuck fuck fuck
21:37Jesus Christ.
21:39I mean, higher love.
22:01I mean, higher love.
22:03I mean, higher love.
22:05I mean, higher love.
22:07I mean, higher love.
22:09I mean, higher love.
22:10I mean, higher love.
22:10I mean, higher love.
22:12I mean, higher love.
22:12I mean, higher love.
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