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FunTranscript
00:02While all of London slept, the horrid cat mummy was busy ransacking an apartment.
00:07Ooh, I am cat mummy. I'm tearing open cupboards. I'm cracking open safes.
00:13I'm digging through the freezer.
00:15Until the plucky hero of our story, Ricky Gervais, comedian, actor, writer, producer, director, singer, philanthropist,
00:23and obviously highly skilled puppeteer, got out of bed and confronted the mummy.
00:30Can I help you? Do you mind not going through all my stuff? Cheers.
00:33And whoosh! Bob's your uncle. Mummy was gone.
00:36Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
00:40Wow. Because I live here.
00:41That was amazing. I love puppets.
00:44I do too, Scooby-Doo. And so does my lovely cat Ollie. Look at my beautiful cat.
00:49She can't get enough. How do you go?
00:53Well, I have to say, getting our own private puppet show from comedy legend Ricky Gervais is certainly something, but
01:00what does it mean?
01:01Yeah, like, dude, was it supposed to be funny? I don't think it was funny.
01:05Cheers, Shaggy. Yeah, but it wasn't meant to be funny, okay? It's a cry for help.
01:10Most comedy is, Mr. Gervais.
01:12Yeah. No. Okay. Listen, maybe I wasn't clear. You lovely, kooky, but slightly dense teenagers.
01:20I asked you here because I need your help. There was a mummy in my apartment tearing up the place.
01:27An actual mummy.
01:28Oh! Why didn't you say so?
01:31I did say so.
01:32Then why the puppet show?
01:34What's life without a little art?
01:37What's with all the moaning?
01:38Why, dude, it wasn't us!
01:40Oh, my God!
01:47Hey!
01:54Scooby-Doo-bee-doo, it's Angus Two.
01:58We know you're one in a million movies.
02:02We can count on you, Scooby-Doo.
02:05To catchin' a mascot killer.
02:10Hold the phone. It's Ricky Gervais.
02:17Give me my statue.
02:26Like, where'd that thing go?
02:44Ah!
02:49Cat mummy!
03:07Sorry, Occupado
03:08Keep moving, you two, go on
03:10No way, dude, like there's plenty of room in there
03:12Oh, you're getting drool on me, you hairy mutt
03:15Sorry?
03:16No, I meant Shaggy, stop it
03:18Ugh, anybody else feel a draft?
03:20Scooby, your backside's giving us away
03:31Back off, Mummy
03:36Oi, Velma, I was saving that for my next birthday
03:39You know, it's a joke
03:43Fire extinguisher, birthday cake
03:46I'm getting older
03:47Lots of candles, that
03:50Oh, Scooby, you're a good boy, but you're thick
03:54Oh, I can get you a toothbrush, free of charge
04:02Oh, poor Ollie
04:10Listen, I think I know what the mummy's after
04:13It's one of Ollie's toys
04:14Wait, that's an ancient Egyptian statue
04:17It must be worth thousands of dollars
04:19Pounds, actually
04:20What can I say?
04:22Ollie's a bit of a spoiled little girl
04:24Ain't ya?
04:26Why does the mummy want this statue?
04:28There doesn't seem to be anything unique about it
04:30Hmm, the cat-headed mummy resembles the ancient Egyptian goddess Bast
04:34B-b-b-b-bast?
04:36Who's that?
04:37Ah, I thought you might ask that, Scooby
04:39So, I took the liberty of creating some visual aids
04:43Bast was the daughter of Ra, the sun god
04:46She was the ancient Egyptian goddess of protection and cats
04:50Kept you safe
04:52And purred a lot, apparently
04:55Oh, oh, oh, oh, and like maybe the statue once belonged to Bast
05:01Yeah, very good, Shaggy
05:03Well, gang, it looks like we have a real mystery on our hands
05:07Well, of course it's a real mystery
05:09You just saw, there's a cat-headed mummy trashing my apartment
05:12Oh, now look, you've upset Ollie
05:14Oh, don't worry, Fango
05:17Daddy's gonna do your favourite dance
05:24We've all got our own thing
05:26I mean, you wear a cravat, Fred
05:28I mean, you wear a cravat I mean, you wear a cravat
05:39That's a big deal
05:43I mean, you wear a cravat
05:45I mean, you wear a cravat
05:46It's a huge mess
05:46You wear a cravat
05:48todavÃa
05:49Oh, no
06:02Oh, no, we've got to find Ollie.
06:08Oh, poor Ollie. I hope she's okay.
06:16This is where I bought Ollie's Egyptian statue.
06:23Aww.
06:25Come here, Ollie.
06:27Aww. Good girl. Good girl.
06:30This is my jaw, Cat. Lay off!
06:33Don't talk to my Ollie like that. You lay off.
06:37Did she just hiss at me? Did you just hiss at me?
06:41Yeah.
06:42Uh, Mr. Gervais, maybe you should leave that old lady alone.
06:47I'm scared.
06:48And look, you're scaring Ollie.
06:52Oh, sorry, Ollie. Is that scaring you?
06:54I didn't mean to upset you. Let me make it up to you, right?
06:59A man and his cat.
07:02They know where it's at.
07:04A purr-fect feline will get you every time. And take it, Ollie.
07:16Weirdo.
07:17I'm not the one hugging a jar full of sand, am I?
07:19It's not sand. It's ancient Egyptian catnip. My father found it years ago in the tomb of King Tut. He
07:27was an archaeologist for the British Museum.
07:30Ooh!
07:31I don't know that smell.
07:33Hello. You've gots to pay for that.
07:35It's mine! I should never have let it go. I want to buy it back.
07:40Strange old woman.
07:41You're full of ancient catnip.
07:43Can you say suspicious?
07:45Can I say sus-
07:45Of course I can. Suspicious.
07:49Oh! I see you're doing a-
07:51Oh, it's one of your mystery things.
07:52Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. Sorry. Sorry.
07:55Go ahead. As you were. Go on. And?
07:58Give us some money, then.
07:59Pay up.
08:03Weirdo.
08:03Oh, Mr. Gervais. How wonderful to see you again.
08:08Oh, dear. Did you come to return that?
08:10I'm so sorry, sir. I don't take returns. Well, not normally.
08:15Obviously, I could never say no to you.
08:19It's my charm, innit? You know. Or my pheromones. Or something. Basically, people love me.
08:24But anyway, no. Sorry, mate. I can't sell you the statue back. It's Ollie's favourite.
08:28Oh, how cute. But I must apologise. I didn't make full disclosure on that statue. It is said to be
08:38cursed.
08:39That would explain the mummy. Mummy? What mummy?
08:43Nothing.
08:44Truth be told, I need your help. I don't trust that young man. The none too bright act of his
08:52might be just that. An act.
08:54I fear he's some kind of devious criminal mastermind.
08:59No one's that stupid. He's trying to throw us off the scent. Devious criminal mastermind says what?
09:06Hello.
09:07Devious criminal mastermind says hello.
09:11What?
09:14Tasty.
09:16It's good.
09:19Right. I don't know about you lot, but I can actually feel the IQ levels dropping off a cliff around
09:25here.
09:25Yes. There's something else. Follow me.
09:30I found this old door.
09:36Like me. I hate creepy old doors.
09:39Me too.
09:40My assistant spends a lot of time skulking around back here.
09:44So I did a little digging.
09:47This doorway leads to an abandoned wing of the British Museum.
09:51Apparently this building used to be a house for the museum's docents.
09:55I'm thinking this must have been a way for them to get to work.
09:59The British Museum? Home to one of the largest collection of Egyptian antiquities?
10:03Let's check it out.
10:04I'd better put Ollie in her cat carrier.
10:06There you go, Ollie.
10:10All your toys.
10:17So small?
10:18No, it's all right, Scooby.
10:19Plenty of room in there for her.
10:21Storage space, clothes, closet.
10:23She's even got a little food dispenser there.
10:25Personal jacuzzi.
10:30And her own flushable toilet.
10:31Had it made especially.
10:33Oh, nice.
10:35Wow.
10:36The British Museum after hours?
10:38It's like a dream come true.
10:46Like zoinks, B.
10:47It's more like a nightmare.
10:52All you have your own little catchphrases, don't you?
10:55Like Daphne's got jeepers, Velma has jinkies, shaggy zoinks, right?
11:00Even Fred says, hold the phone.
11:03Even?
11:04I mean, well, my point is, you just say your name.
11:08You just go, Scooby-Doo-Doo.
11:10I mean, you say it in a funny way, but it's just your name.
11:13It's not a catchphrase.
11:15Do you know what I mean?
11:16I don't get it.
11:17You need a catchphrase.
11:20Do you know what I mean?
11:21Do you know what I mean?
11:21You know, like, uh, um, like, what's up doc?
11:25You can't use that because it's someone else's, but you could use, you know, wouldn't you use, um, what's up
11:30vet?
11:30You've got a vet, I assume.
11:33You know, like, hey, what's up vet?
11:34I don't know.
11:35Just think about it.
11:37Oh, hey, I don't get it.
11:40Come up with something better than if you're so smart.
11:42Just stop saying your name.
11:44It's ridiculous.
11:44It's a name.
11:45Ricky Gervais.
11:46Ricky Gervais.
11:47It's mental.
11:51Mr. Antique dealer, are you okay?
11:53I, uh, I don't think I'm alone down here.
11:59Oh, what was that?
12:01The mummy.
12:02I think it's down here with me.
12:05No.
12:05No, stay back.
12:06No.
12:07No.
12:10Where'd he go?
12:15Stu.
12:17Stu.
12:20Stu.
12:25Stu.
12:25Stu.
12:26Stu.
12:28Uh, my.
12:33You have a vegan life.
12:46Well, Ollie, that's another fine mess you've gotten me into.
12:53Not the face, not the face.
13:20Oh.
13:36Whoa!
13:38Huh?
13:58Hmm. Hmm.
14:02Whoa!
14:18Whoa!
14:32Whoa!
14:34Whoa!
14:34We're gonna have like a hundred and seventy-eight thousand years of bad luck, Scoop!
14:38Whoa!
14:40Whoa!
14:42Whoa!
14:43Whoa!
14:52It sounds like someone's trapped in there!
14:54Or something!
14:58Just a quick FYI.
14:59I'm not sure I approve of opening strange sarcophagi.
15:03You know, curses.
15:05I mean, not without a note from its mummy.
15:08See what I did there?
15:10They're loving it.
15:13Oh no!
15:17Oh, thank goodness. Just that creepy weird old lady.
15:21Murder.
15:25I know this tape.
15:27Huh?
15:28What did it do?
15:30That's it!
15:31It's a type of acid-free packing tape.
15:33Of course!
15:34Looks like this mystery is really starting to come together.
15:41Velma, you can't just say that and keep it a secret.
15:44Right, gang?
15:45I mean, just...
15:46I'm just saying, if she understands the mystery,
15:49she should just say who the bad guy is.
15:51Just blurt it out and we can all go home.
15:53So, come on. Who did it?
15:55Mr. G, that's not really how we do things.
15:57Uh-uh.
15:59But, all will be revealed.
16:01Because right now, it's trapping time!
16:04Fine. Have it your way.
16:10Wait.
16:14I know how we can hoist this cat mummy by its own petard.
16:19Huh? Uh, in English?
16:21We'll use this ancient catnip to nip the ancient cat mummy right in the old catnip napper.
16:26Uh, again, in English?
16:28Go and hold your phone somewhere else, Fred.
16:30I've got this, alright?
16:31Yeah, Fred! Let's do Ricky's drop!
16:34Well, maybe Ricky should drive the van, too.
16:36Yeah!
16:37This is never gonna work.
16:39The apex of the fulcrum is off light.
16:4130 degrees.
17:14I told ya! You should've let me do the ropes!
17:17I know, Fred. It's just so hard for me to listen to a young guy who wears a cravat.
17:22I'm just being honest. It's, you know...
17:24Never mind that! We have to fix this!
17:26And fast! Before the mummy gets away!
17:30We've gotta get the mummy onto the spot in the middle!
17:33Get him back to the middle!
17:34On it, Ricky!
17:46Let go, Ricky! Run!
17:48Come on, Mummy! Come on!
17:50Run!
17:51Now, Daphne!
17:52Hey!
18:01Oh, it's funny, is it?
18:02Oh!
18:03You think it's all fine, don't ya?
18:07Statue!
18:08Statue!
18:09You still need that toothbrush, mate. I'm serious.
18:12Oh!
18:23Yeah, looks like the cat's out of the bag. And by cats, I mean cats. Lots of cats. All the
18:29cats, yeah?
18:30Ha ha ha ha ha!
18:31Ah ha!
18:42Time to wrap up this mystery. Or should I say, unwrap it.
18:47Come here, Ollie. Come to Daddy.
18:49Now, Shaggy. Now, Scooby-Doo.
18:51Oh!
18:52Oh!
19:00Now, let's see who this mummy of fast really is.
19:07The antique dealer?
19:09What?
19:10Why?
19:11It's really quite simple. He's not actually an antique dealer. He's a world-renowned jewel thief.
19:16The antique store was just a cover, and a way for him to access the British Museum unseen.
19:22Glasses McGee here has it right. I've been on a stealing frenzy in this place. Then, I managed to steal
19:29the prize of all prizes. The Ruby of the Nile. The greatest gem in the museum.
19:36I spirited it out of the museum. But once back in my shop, I hid it in an old cat
19:41statue. There it would stay until I could safely ship it to my buyer overseas. But when my truly dimwitted
19:49assistant sold the statue to Mr. Gervais, well, I had to get it back.
19:53That's when I invented the best mummy costume as a way to hide my identity and steal the statue. I
20:00used that old woman's ancient catnip to get you and the cat out of the apartment so I could steal
20:05it back.
20:07Sorry, are you not gonna... What?
20:09You're not gonna say you'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids?
20:13No, well, I mean, I can. If you...
20:15I think you should.
20:17Alright.
20:18And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!
20:22Yeah, good. And me. Mention... I think you should mention me in this particular episode. I mean, I've been... I've
20:29done a lot more than most sort of guest stars.
20:33I'll say... say comedy legend Ricky Gervais.
20:36And comedy legend Ricky Gervais!
20:39And Ollie.
20:40And his... cat.
20:45Well, gang, we didn't just solve this mystery. We solved the heck out of this mystery!
20:51It was quite an adventure!
20:53Right, Mr. Gervais?
20:54Mr. Gervais?
20:57Sorry, I wasn't listening. I just rubbed that ancient Egyptian catnip all over myself and look, I can't...
21:03Oh, I love cats! This is the...
21:05Do you know what Dickens said?
21:07What greater gift than the love of a cat. And they love me.
21:11Now, do you know what else Dickens said?
21:13Well, get out and leave me alone! Scram! Bye!
21:17You're just silly!
21:18I don't think Dickens ever said any of that.
21:21Doesn't matter. Just go now, though. We've had... we've had a good time. Let's not spoil it.
21:26Let's not stay our welcome. It's been long enough. Thank you. Love you to meet you.
21:30Bye-bye. Bye. See you soon. Not soon. Not soon. Probably never, but thank...
21:35You know, do right, or not. Doesn't matter. Don't... don't call... to a... Bye! Thank you!
21:45Phew...
21:47Ricky-do-do-do-do, and Ollie too. Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
21:52It was quite fun, wasn't it?
21:53Oh! He stole my line! That's my line! That's Scooby-Dooby-Doo!
21:58With the... web.
22:28Scram!
22:29I don't know my boss!
22:31I don't know my boss!
22:32I forgot to call him!
22:32Jang!
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