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Watch Free Bert () free Season 1 Episode 2 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:09This guy's got a small dick.
00:12You know the kind of guy that drinks with a straw and pisses sitting down?
00:17I bet his dick's so small a white people mistaken for Joe Rogan.
00:29Now, I think that was taken just a little out of context, and if you back it up, there was
00:33a little bit of a build.
00:34I think we've seen enough. That was extremely triggering.
00:37That was downright offensive.
00:40Yeah.
00:40Okay? Now I can take it.
00:42My penis is obviously much bigger than this man here is suggesting, and I can prove that easily if need
00:49be.
00:49But to have to watch my wife wake up to an email chain where this disgusting video is being passed
00:56around to all the parents?
00:58Wait, everyone?
00:59Bert!
00:59What?
00:59I feel violated.
01:01Me, too.
01:02There's a clear no cell phone policy in that club. That's what we should be looking for.
01:06Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. That's your issue here?
01:08Obviously.
01:08Oh, maybe we just call it a wash since we were all violated equally?
01:12You know what it is? I actually feel unsafe. This man is a bully.
01:17I'm the bully?
01:18Yeah.
01:18Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop writing. What are you writing down?
01:21I can't disclose that.
01:22Something has to be done here. Miriam?
01:25Maybe it's best if Mr. Kreischer stays off campus for a while, and Georgia does her work from home for
01:31a few days, just until things blow over.
01:33Does that work for you guys?
01:34Yes. Thank you, Miriam.
01:35What the fuck?
02:00This is ridiculous.
02:02Guys, how much longer are we going to stay mad at each other?
02:05Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?
02:06Isla, I will leap across this table.
02:09And do what?
02:11You need to apologize to them.
02:13Him apologize? That guy?
02:16For what? For having an inspired set? Some are comparing to an early Richard Pryor? Or am I apologizing for
02:21exercising my First Amendment right? Are we taking away the freedom of speech now? Is that what we're doing?
02:25What are we even talking about?
02:26Bert!
02:27What?
02:27She just got kicked out of school.
02:29Yeah, and you got banned from campus.
02:32Oh, I'd like to see them enforce that.
02:33Well, they do have security guards.
02:36Who? Carl and Sanjay? You think I couldn't whip those fools?
02:39Thank you, Isla. I ran naked with the bulls in Pamplona. I'll blow the doors off two rent-a-cops
02:43from Beverly Hills.
02:44Whether you can or can't, and I would argue you 100% cannot, that is not the point.
02:50Well, what's the fucking point?
02:51The fucking point is you need to stop and find something else to focus on, okay?
02:55Like anything else.
02:57You can focus on me, guys.
02:58I got a ton of shit to dump on your plate.
03:00Wait, what's going on with you?
03:01Wait, what kind of shit are you dealing with?
03:02All I'm asking is for you to try to behave like a normal person.
03:09Is that too much for you?
03:10It's a big ask.
03:11Wait, where's she going?
03:12Georgia.
03:13Wait, where are you going?
03:14To clean up your mess.
03:29Hey, you are beautiful.
03:32Do you hear me?
03:34You can't let them change you.
03:37You can't let any of these motherfuckers change you.
03:41When you're fighting a bull, you don't run away from it.
03:47You run right the fuck at it.
04:07That last one wasn't actually bad.
04:10Yeah, that was a good joke.
04:11It was a good joke, but she was upset.
04:13This is exactly what I was hoping to avoid.
04:15Oh, the ugly side.
04:16Oh, there you go.
04:18Now you're getting it.
04:19But tell me those two phony motherfuckers didn't deserve to get lit the fuck up.
04:23Of course they did, but do we always have to be the ones to do it?
04:27Yeah, but if we don't do it, who's going to do it?
04:28Uh, maybe no one.
04:30At least not yet.
04:32So what you're saying is people get to do retarded shit,
04:35and we can't call them on it and make them feel like assholes for it?
04:38It's just a pitch, okay?
04:39Look where it's gotten us.
04:42Headmaster's office, suspension, our daughter hating you.
04:45I mean, this is not worth it.
04:47It's not, right?
04:48Uh-uh.
04:49We just need to bite our tongues until we settle in.
04:53And then we get to light people up?
04:57Yeah, sure.
05:12Good morning.
05:14Good morning.
05:16Hey.
05:18Hey.
05:22I'm sorry, okay?
05:24I may have overdid it a little bit.
05:26Wow.
05:26Full weight to watch here, huh?
05:28Shut the fuck up, Isla.
05:31Can you forgive me?
05:32It's fine.
05:33Just don't let it happen again.
05:35Hold on.
05:36It was that easy.
05:38You don't hate me?
05:39No.
05:40Oh, she's way past that.
05:42Now that Zach Kotchkis started DMing her.
05:44What?
05:45How would you know that unless you went through my phone?
05:46Because I went through your phone, bitch.
05:48How do you know my password?
05:49Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, Isla, stop it, Isla.
05:52Zach Kotchkis DMed you?
05:54Like, Zach Kotchkis, Kirsten Vanderfox's boyfriend, Zach Kotchkis?
05:57Oh, that's so dumb.
05:58Where have you been?
05:59He invited George over to watch a movie.
06:02Whoa.
06:03What's he want with you?
06:04Really?
06:05No, I didn't mean it like that.
06:06I meant, like, what's he want with you?
06:07Like, what's he want with you?
06:08What?
06:09No, baby.
06:10No, I'm just saying, like, he doesn't give you the time of day,
06:12and then all of a sudden he invites you over to watch a movie?
06:14Okay.
06:15Sounds a little suspect, doesn't it?
06:16It does raise some red flags.
06:17Okay, okay, well, maybe he likes me.
06:20Have you ever considered that?
06:21It crossed my mind for a second,
06:24but it seems so absurd I just completely moved on from it.
06:28Get out of my room.
06:29Yep.
06:30Get out.
06:31Isla, let's go.
06:32Hey, fucking great job on the DMs.
06:34Maybe he just likes her.
06:36This is Zach Kotchkis we're talking about.
06:38Okay.
06:39Kids are shooing for Mr. Barklage.
06:40He could pull any girl in that class.
06:42What's he want with our daughter?
06:44Wait a second.
06:45Oh, this should be good.
06:48Her virgin hands.
06:49What?
06:50Think about it.
06:51He doesn't know her name two days ago.
06:52I go on a live stream.
06:53It blows up, obviously.
06:54I say she's never given a hand job.
06:56Word gets out.
06:57It spreads like wildfire.
06:58Boom.
06:59She's every middle school boy's fantasy.
07:01Really?
07:02Wouldn't he want experienced hands?
07:04He's already got one experienced hand.
07:05What's the fun in that?
07:06He invites her over to watch a movie?
07:08Come on.
07:09How transparent is that?
07:10Kids don't watch movies these days, hon.
07:12He's setting her up for a total jerk-a-thon.
07:14God damn it.
07:16He thinks he's slick.
07:17He doesn't know who he's fucking with.
07:18I would think that he would want experienced hands.
07:21What have I done?
07:22Now every boy in that class is going to want to plant their flag in her palms.
07:25We got to get in front of this.
07:27Do we got to?
07:28Baby.
07:31Close your eyes.
07:32Okay.
07:33Do you remember the day Georgia was born?
07:35Mm-hmm.
07:36And the nurse laid her on your chest and it was just the three of us.
07:38I don't know where Georgia took that little baby hand and she reached up and stroked your face.
07:42Yeah.
07:43Now imagine that hand wrapped around Zach Hotchkiss' cock.
07:46Clumb.
07:47Sticking between her fingers.
07:49Teenage jizz.
07:50Just in her palm, on her knuckles, in her fingernails.
07:53That's what we're up against, Leanne.
07:54Oh, God.
07:56Oh, you're right.
07:56Yeah.
07:57You need to stop this.
07:58There she is.
07:59Oh, God.
08:00Let's go.
08:00Come on.
08:01Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
08:10Put that phone down immediately.
08:12What?
08:13Why?
08:13You heard him.
08:14You put it down.
08:15We're nipping this in the bud.
08:17You're not going to Zach Hotchkiss' house.
08:18You can text him that.
08:19I'll wait.
08:20You just told me to put it down.
08:22You can pick it up and then you text him and you just put it right back down.
08:26Right.
08:26I can't go to my friend's house to watch a movie.
08:28That's fucking ridiculous.
08:29That's what you think this is all about?
08:30Well, what do you think it's about, Dad?
08:32Well, we were wondering if maybe Zach has ulterior motives.
08:38Mm-hmm.
08:38Like he wants to do a handjob for you?
08:41Isla?
08:41Oh, my God.
08:41We can take it from here.
08:42Is that really what you think?
08:44That's where all the information I have is leading me, yes.
08:47Well, maybe you're right.
08:49Maybe that is what he wants and maybe that's what he's going to get.
08:54Excuse me?
08:54Hey, you started this.
08:56It's up to me to finish it or finish him.
09:00Whatever you prefer.
09:01Oh.
09:01I prefer neither of those.
09:04Damn it.
09:07Well, that backfired.
09:08Yeah, I know, Isla.
09:09Yeah.
09:10What's the move now, Captain?
09:12Where's this little shit live?
09:13Beverly Park.
09:14Gated.
09:15Guardhouse.
09:16Hole nine.
09:17It's going to be tough.
09:18Fuck.
09:19All right, I'll shake him down to school.
09:21No, you're banned.
09:23Maybe I could try talking to my pickup or something.
09:25What the fuck's that going to do?
09:26We've got to scare the shit out of this kid.
09:28Isla, can you get me a schedule?
09:29Done song.
09:29Wait, how are you even going to get...
09:30Don't worry about it.
09:31Okay, look.
09:32This is what we just talked about.
09:33We can't get into any more trouble.
09:34Hey, these are extenuating circumstances.
09:37Remember?
09:38Baby jizz hands.
09:39Oh, okay.
09:39Baby what?
09:40Don't worry about it.
09:41Don't worry about it.
09:41Listen, I will be in and out so quick, they won't even know I'm there.
09:43Okay, what about the guards?
09:45Isla, what do we know?
09:47Carl and Sanjay clock in at 6 a.m.
09:53Sanjay takes his lunch at 11.45, leaving Carl alone for anywhere between 30 to 45 minutes,
09:58depending on how long Sanjay's in the shitter after he eats.
10:02Then that's our window.
10:13What the fuck am I doing?
10:17Okay.
10:23Hi, Carl.
10:24Hey, Mrs. Kreischer.
10:25You forget something?
10:27Oh, yeah, well, I don't know if you heard, but Georgie got suspended, so I'm just here picking
10:32up some of her...
10:33Oh, we heard.
10:33We got your husband's picture up in here.
10:35Oh, yeah, you don't need to worry about him.
10:38He will not be anywhere near here.
10:40He got your message loud and clear.
10:42Okay.
10:47What, uh, hey, you know, I was...
10:50What, um, time do you get off, Carl?
10:53Oh, Mrs. Kreischer.
10:56What about your husband?
10:58Oh, don't worry about him.
11:00We don't need to be thinking about him.
11:02Oh, okay.
11:03Okay.
11:15Bingo.
11:30Hey!
11:31What are you doing here?
11:33Hey!
11:33God damn it, Arnold.
11:34What happened to the 30-minute dump?
11:36Carl!
11:36Carl!
11:37Come in, Carl!
11:38Birdcrasser is on campus.
11:39I repeat.
11:40Birdcrasser is on campus.
11:41Come in, come in.
11:42Sorry.
11:43Where were we?
11:51Carl, come in.
11:55Please.
12:04Jill, huh?
12:07I would have pegged you as a moose guy.
12:11You know who I am?
12:13Uh, yeah.
12:15You're George's dad?
12:16Damn right I am.
12:17You've been poking around her DMs lately.
12:20Why the sudden interest?
12:22What do you mean?
12:23She's cool.
12:24Cool?
12:25Cool like a pair of inexperienced, clammy hands?
12:28Huh?
12:29Let me tell you what I know.
12:31You never want to be on a dad's bad side, where he feels like he can't communicate with
12:35you anymore, so he has to break into your house in the middle of the night and strangle
12:38you in your bed.
12:40Now, let me tell you what you don't know.
12:43I have a Desert Eagle .50 caliber, and sometimes when I get really drunk, I like to hold it next
12:48to a pillow and pretend it's a little boy's head.
12:49Mr. Kreischer.
12:50Hey, Doc.
12:51How you doing?
12:52What are you doing on campus?
12:53Oh, I'm just chatting to my boy Zach here.
12:56Isn't that right, Zach?
12:57You're threatening me.
12:58What?
12:59Threatening you?
13:00Buddy, that's locker room talk.
13:02God, kids these days are so soft.
13:04Dad, go to class.
13:08I'll see you later, buddy.
13:12Sorry, Dr. Jeff.
13:13He passes by somehow.
13:15Oh, dear.
13:16It's okay, Sanjay.
13:17He's here to see me.
13:19You sure?
13:20Carl should be on his way.
13:21We have zip ties and everything.
13:23Zip ties?
13:24I would love to see you try to put a zip tie on me, big boy.
13:26Oh, I'll get this on you, and then I'll go to town on your ass.
13:30Oh, you'll go to town on my ass?
13:32Jeff, do you hear what he's saying to me?
13:33Nobody's going to town on anybody's ass.
13:36I'll take it from here, Sanjay.
13:37Yeah, he'll handle it from here, Sanjay.
13:49Whoa.
13:53Why don't you come to my office?
14:00What you got going on tonight?
14:01Oh, I'm probably just, you know, blind in different schools.
14:06Oh, I gotta go.
14:07Thank you so much.
14:08Bye.
14:09Oh, yo.
14:11Yo.
14:13Damn.
14:18Is this related in any way to the Kirsten beatdown you took the other day?
14:23I wouldn't exactly say it was a beatdown.
14:25Looked like one from where I was sitting.
14:27You're nothing with your shirt on.
14:29That cut deep, didn't it?
14:31No.
14:32No, it didn't.
14:33Not at all.
14:33This whole shirtless thing.
14:38Where does it come from?
14:40Why is it so important to you?
14:42Why do people keep bringing this up?
14:43Well, you kind of lead with it pretty hard.
14:46It's just me.
14:47It's like freedom and fun and fuck everyone else.
14:50And who gives a fuck?
14:50Middle finger to the world.
14:51I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks type shit.
14:55What if I said it's all a defense mechanism?
14:58Like, you actually do give a fuck.
15:01And you desperately want to fit in, so you intentionally sabotage yourself so that no one else gets to decide.
15:08The shirtless, rebellious, fat party guy.
15:14Wait, what was that?
15:14That's what everyone wants you to be.
15:19Who does Bert want to be?
15:22I don't know.
15:24I never thought about it.
15:26Well, maybe it's time you did.
15:29Maybe it's time you tried something new.
15:33Like what?
15:34For example, instead of waging war with a teenager, maybe you try a more mature approach, like sitting down with
15:42his parents.
15:43Getting them hammered.
15:44Find their weakness.
15:45Use it against them.
15:46Smart.
15:46I like that.
15:47No, no, no, no, no, no.
15:47No one's going to be impressed with how much beer you can chug.
15:51Have an honest conversation.
15:53Be open.
15:54Be vulnerable.
15:55People really do that.
15:56And talk less.
15:59Much less.
16:01And listen.
16:02Ask questions.
16:03Show interest in their lives.
16:05That sounds fucking crazy.
16:07You want your daughter to fit in, right?
16:09Maybe it starts with you fitting in.
16:12Blending in.
16:13And living life with your shirt.
16:17On.
16:21Oh, wow.
16:27That's a huge fucking note, Doc.
16:29Yeah, it's a total rethink.
16:31It's like asking Gallagher to stop smashing watermelons.
16:35No, that's not at all.
16:37Like asking Carrot Top to lose the trunk of toys.
16:40These are horrible comps.
16:41Well, the point is, your thing's not working.
16:44So why not make an adjustment?
16:47Start small.
16:50Something with sleeves.
16:53And buttons.
16:57Something like this.
17:00Wait, something like that?
17:02Or that?
17:04Go on.
17:05Take it for a spin.
17:32Can I help you?
17:33You're Randy Hodgkiss?
17:35Zach Stab?
17:37I'm Burt Kreischer.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39I didn't recognize you with a shirt on.
17:41And not insulting people at a comedy club.
17:44That's fair.
17:45I deserve that.
17:48Can I come in?
17:54Thank you so much.
17:56What a beautiful foyer you have here.
18:00There you go.
18:01Yeah.
18:09So what's up?
18:12Well, I don't know if you heard of this brewing romance between your son and my daughter, but I thought
18:18the best way to deal with something like this is to sit down man to man and just talk about
18:24it like two adults.
18:26Well, I appreciate that.
18:28Yeah.
18:29I mean, if I've learned anything from this Vanderthal debacle, they said the best way to approach relationships is to
18:35be honest and open and just be vulnerable.
18:41Huh.
18:42Makes a lot of sense.
18:43You know what I would say?
18:44If we're not going from our mistakes, why are we even making them?
18:47Totally.
18:48Yeah.
18:49What's that from?
18:50Who said that?
18:51Just me.
18:53Just now.
18:53Well, well, good for you.
18:56Yeah.
18:57So I was wondering if maybe you could sit down and talk to Zach.
19:01Maybe say, you know, George is a little young to be dating.
19:06Yeah, sure.
19:06I can talk to him.
19:08He's just been pretty emotional lately.
19:12I don't want to pile on.
19:14Oh.
19:16What's going on?
19:19It's, uh...
19:23No, I probably shouldn't talk about it.
19:27You can.
19:30If you want.
19:32Be vulnerable, huh?
19:34That's my motto.
19:38It's just, uh...
19:43Zach's having surgery in a couple of weeks.
19:46And he's, uh...
19:48He's very nervous about it.
19:51All right.
19:53I'm listening.
20:04Zach was actually born without a scrotum.
20:08Mm-hmm.
20:09Which prevented his testicles from dropping since they had nowhere to go.
20:14Sure.
20:15That makes sense.
20:15So the doctors had to construct this artificial sack, which held up fairly well until a couple of months ago,
20:23until the lining started to tear.
20:25Jesus Christ.
20:26Yeah, so now, unfortunately, he's got to have a top-to-bottom scrotal reconstruction.
20:30And his second orchopexy.
20:32Number two.
20:33You believe that?
20:33What's an orchopexy?
20:35So that's the procedure when they staple the nuts to the sack, and then they staple the sack to his
20:41inner thigh.
20:41You know, just to induce the drop.
20:44You know, it's...
20:45Oh, my God.
20:47Yeah.
20:47Yeah, yeah.
20:48It's meant...
20:52Actually feels good to get that out.
20:55Thank you for listening.
20:57Not a lot of people do that anymore.
20:59Yeah, I love listening.
21:02Sometimes I like it better than talking.
21:04It's just who I am.
21:09Okay, so you just sound out the letters of the word.
21:11Okay?
21:12What does that say?
21:13I see.
21:14Are you kidding?
21:16Zach blocked me.
21:17Huh.
21:18Why is the pee even there?
21:19Oh, the pee is silent, baby.
21:21Just, you know, something...
21:21Who the fuck decided that?
21:23Hello?
21:25Oh, hi.
21:26I've been texting you.
21:28Everything okay?
21:29Yeah.
21:30Absolutely perfect.
21:31What's with the shirt?
21:32Yeah, where'd you find that?
21:34What, this?
21:35Yeah.
21:35I'm trying out a new look.
21:37What do you guys think?
21:38Why?
21:38If it ain't broke.
21:40It is broke.
21:41You know what?
21:42You're right.
21:45Honey, I may have come in hot the other day and overstepped a little bit, but if you want
21:50to date Zach, you should date Zach.
21:54What's going on?
21:56Are you fucking with me?
21:57Mom, is he fucking with me again?
21:58I honestly don't know, sweetie.
22:00No, I just took a step back and realized you have great judgment.
22:05And hey, I trust you.
22:08Okay, so hypothetically, if I were to decide to, let's say, give Zach a handjob, you'd be
22:16fine with that?
22:17Hey, if that's what the moment calls for, and Zach obviously is physically able to receive
22:23said handjob, then go for it.
22:29It doesn't matter anyway, because he's not texting me back.
22:31Guess he came to the census, huh?
22:33Shut the fuck up, Isla.
22:35No one likes your voice.
22:36I'm obviously...
22:37So can you shut us?
22:38Why don't you give a chance?
22:39Shut the fuck up.
22:40You're welcome.
22:42Okay.
22:43Okay.
22:44Sit down right now.
22:45Okay.
22:46What is going on?
22:50Zach Hodgkiss doesn't have a scrotum.
22:54What?
22:55I mean, he had one, but it was artificial and it ruptured or something, and now they have
22:58to build him a new one.
22:58What do you mean he has an artificial scrotum?
23:01I don't know.
23:01I'm not a fucking doctor, Leanne.
23:03Jesus Christ.
23:03His nuts didn't have anywhere to go.
23:05They never drop, so they've got to build a sack, so they have somewhere to go.
23:06But I think you're missing the point.
23:08What is the point?
23:08The point is, it is a very long road to a handjob for this kid.
23:14Right?
23:15We get to look like cool, supportive parents the whole time, knowing no one's jacking anyone
23:19off.
23:19Oh, wow.
23:21Oh, it's like a gift from God.
23:23I know.
23:24How did you find this out?
23:25His dad told me.
23:26What?
23:27Yeah.
23:27I put on Dr. Jeff's shirt, went over his house, had an adult conversation.
23:31The dude ended up crying on my shoulder.
23:33Dr. Jeff's shirt?
23:35Yeah, this is Dr. Jeff's shirt.
23:36I went to his office.
23:36He has a ton of them.
23:37It's like he's obsessed with them.
23:38It's all this idea.
23:39And guess what?
23:40Randy Hodgkiss fucking loves me.
23:42And he's going to put in a good word with the Vanderfox.
23:45He's going to put in a good word for us.
23:46Yeah.
23:46Yeah.
23:47Okay.
23:48Who's the ugliest side now?
23:50Not this guy.
23:51I can't believe I've been doing it wrong for so long.
23:53It was so easy.
23:55How about we keep the shirt on?
23:57Oh.
23:58And I show you my scrotum.
23:59Yeah.
23:59This is the change I needed.
24:05And it's long overdue.
24:09The old bird?
24:11A thing of the past.
24:13This is who I am now.
24:17This is for sale.
24:29This is a free manera.
24:33This is for sale.
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