- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Can I grab a donut?
00:03You talking to me?
00:06You talking to me?
00:07Must be talking to me.
00:08There ain't nobody else here.
00:10I am talking to you.
00:11Can I please have a donut?
00:12Yeah, go ahead.
00:14Melissa is bad at impressions.
00:17And we are scared to tell her.
00:19We just did impressions of each other.
00:21Could you tell?
00:23Guys, come get a donut.
00:24Come on, get them while they're fresh.
00:26Surprising no one.
00:27I do not like donuts.
00:27So for that reason, I will decline your offer.
00:31I actually love donuts.
00:33You come to my house on the day my donut is to be married.
00:37And you ask me for a fritter.
00:42Only one?
00:43Yeah.
00:44You'll be back.
00:45Life is like a box.
00:47Melissa, you're bad at impressions.
00:51No donut for you.
00:52Okay, now that was good.
01:06Class, pay attention.
01:08Mrs. Howard has graciously sacrificed her free period to encourage you all to get more involved in the fundraiser.
01:14For the record, I hate hustle culture, but this is important.
01:18Thank you, Mr. Hill.
01:20Unfortunately, this fundraiser is a necessary evil.
01:23But when you are out there selling your candy, hold your head up high.
01:28We are not asking for handouts.
01:30Well, I'm leading the fundraising effort for the field trip to the Franklin Institute.
01:35It is so important for our students to experience a world-renowned science museum.
01:41And we may not have discretionary funds, but we've got grit, guts, and a lot of chocolate.
01:49Always make strong but respectful eye contact.
01:53Oh, I got one.
01:54In the words of Biggie Smalls, never get high on your own supply.
01:58Baby, baby.
02:01And what do we say when someone refuses your offer?
02:04Suck it, Boomer!
02:06I don't know who Boomer is, but no.
02:09What we say is, thank you for your time.
02:13Thank you for your time.
02:16Hmm.
02:17No, thank you.
02:20Ms. Siegs, people aren't paying attention to us.
02:23Don't give up yet, David.
02:24Sometimes you just got to put on a little shell, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?
02:31Excuse me, ma'am.
02:32It's not the most current dance, but I do it really well, so.
02:37Hello, sir.
02:38May I introduce you some delicious candy?
02:40Hell no.
02:41Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.
02:43Oh, hey, Maurice, you came.
02:45Yeah, you know, I love being propped to slide.
02:48Wait, so these are your students selling the candy?
02:50Yes, but, you know, they're a little sad because people aren't really buying, so.
02:53I had to see the little homies down.
02:55Yeah.
02:56What about $10 worth of candy?
02:57Really?
02:58Yeah, of course.
02:59Wow.
03:02Nice.
03:04That's called gang.
03:05You'll know about it one day.
03:07Maurice and I have been texting since we met at the hookah bar, and it turns out he lives
03:11really close by.
03:12He sends a lot of pictures of white celebrities that look alike.
03:15And he never says LOL or LMAO or like, ha, ha, ha.
03:19He actually sends a voice message of himself laughing.
03:23Like, listen.
03:29Yeah, he's a really genuine guy.
03:32I was wondering, you know, maybe we can get together sometime without children present.
03:35Unless you want to go, like, bowling or to the movies or mini golf.
03:39Man, children really be everywhere.
03:42So, like, a date?
03:44If you say yes.
03:46If not, I'm suggesting a group activity.
03:48Okay.
03:49Well, I say yes.
03:51Cool.
03:56Come on now.
03:57Hello, buddy.
04:00Oh, whose cat is this?
04:01I don't know.
04:02I just found him in here.
04:03He won't budge.
04:04I think I'll get some bacon from the lunch lady to try to lure him out.
04:07Cats are pescatarians.
04:08You're telling me this cat believes in God?
04:10What?
04:11Let me show you how it's done.
04:13Okay.
04:14Come here.
04:15Come here, little cinnamon cupcake hill.
04:18His name is Milton.
04:20Okay.
04:20I'm pretty sure nobody would ever name him.
04:23Hi.
04:26What you doing here, Henry?
04:28Came to warn me about a flood.
04:30I just had another growth spurt, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get a new
04:33pair
04:33of pants for the end of the year.
04:35We ain't roasted alive out here.
04:37What they saying?
04:38Ever think about introducing your pants to your shoes?
04:41Oh, man.
04:42So funny.
04:43These should work.
04:44Thanks, Principal Coleman.
04:46I see you selling those Wonka bars.
04:47Let me hear your sales pitch.
04:49Do I have to?
04:50Yes, Bruce Banner in the middle of a transformation.
04:52You do.
04:53Excuse me, sir, ma'am, or otherwise identifying human.
04:58Sorry to interrupt your day.
04:59My school is raising money to see science.
05:02Would you consider buying a chocolate bar?
05:04Boy, you couldn't sell a scarf to Lenny Kravitz with that pitch.
05:07Who taught you to sell like that?
05:08Mrs. Howard.
05:09Of course.
05:10She's still using the tactics of a man who could turn water into wine and still only had
05:1312 friends.
05:14Now go put those pants on before I think of another joke.
05:16See you later, Principal Coleman.
05:18Before you go, how long have Chris and Liam been lost?
05:21Who?
05:22Chris and Liam.
05:23Because you're missing a couple of Hemsworths.
05:27Yeah, all night.
05:28And now to update our total.
05:32Ooh!
05:35Yay!
05:39Oh.
05:40No.
05:41Okay, look.
05:43We don't need money to go.
05:44We just pick the locks on the doors of the Franklin Institute.
05:47Yeah, just get one open in the back, cause commotion in front, and while everyone's distracted,
05:51you just file a couple hundred kids' pass.
05:53I got this!
05:54And as foolproof as that sounds, I think we're gonna have to cancel the field trip.
05:59Oh, but the kids are so excited.
06:01It's really helpful, Jeanine.
06:02I'm sorry.
06:03Okay, she's robbed a child.
06:05Relax, Conan O' Cryin'.
06:06These are Franklin Franklins.
06:08I just took a few of the kids under my wing and we sold out faster than a black politician.
06:12Thank you, Ava.
06:13But I'm about ready to throw in the towel.
06:15Are you sure?
06:16Cause it seems like I can solve this thing like that.
06:19But, if you insist on failing, I can just take this money and put it towards my jet ski fund.
06:22Lake Wallet, Palm Pack, here I come!
06:25Well, based on a quick calculation, if Ava keeps this up, we would definitely hit our goal.
06:30That's what I've been trying to sell, y'all.
06:32You know, Barbara, I know the last thing you want to do is work with Ava, but maybe just this
06:37one time?
06:37It's worth it.
06:38Yeah, you know, for the kids.
06:42Ava.
06:44I will be taking some students to sell candy after school.
06:50Would you like to join us?
06:51I would love to spearhead this Gish Money project.
07:00Say I'm a hero.
07:01No.
07:02Say I'm a hero.
07:03No.
07:04Say it.
07:06You're thinking it, though.
07:08All right, students.
07:10Principal Coleman is going to take the lead today.
07:12She has a few new tactics that she thinks can help us.
07:15But, please, do not forget everything that I taught you.
07:19Do forget everything she taught you.
07:20Toss it right out of the window.
07:22First lesson.
07:23Act like you've already made a sale.
07:25Courtney, you're with me.
07:27How many bars did you say you wanted?
07:28What?
07:29I said, how many candy bars did you tell this adorable child that you would be purchasing?
07:35Fine.
07:36I'll pick one.
07:37You got change?
07:38Some people might ask for change, but those people aren't Sam Cooke, so change is not going
07:42to come.
07:42No.
07:43Sorry.
07:44We don't have change.
07:45Yoink.
07:47Next lesson.
07:48Nobody likes to buy things from happy people, so I suggest you come up with an illness for
07:51yourself.
07:52My go-to is polio.
07:53Ava, no.
07:55Barb.
07:55Polio is back.
07:57Poke yourself in the eyes if you have to.
07:58Tears might as well have dollar signs in them.
08:00And you're going to want to look out for liberal white people.
08:04Actually, I consider myself to be a progressive.
08:06Is there a difference?
08:08You'll be able to spot them because they'll be making this face.
08:12If you can't sell candy bars to them, you're unteachable.
08:16Ow!
08:17Malika, are you okay?
08:19No, but I'd feel a lot better if you bought some candy for me.
08:23An at-risk black youth.
08:25Alright, that's it.
08:26You've gone too far.
08:27May I have a word with you, Ava?
08:30Ava, I thought you wanted me here for an educational emergency.
08:32Oh, you played your part.
08:37Ava, when I asked for your help, I did not think that you would be turning our students
08:41into a bunch of scammers.
08:43And you are lucky that God still needs people to forgive.
08:48Well, I don't know what to tell you, Barbara.
08:49This is how you break through the noise.
08:51You could go back to doing it how you were, but you know where that's going to get you.
08:54But you just go too far.
08:56These tactics are aggressive.
08:58They're predatory.
08:59I feel like a check-cashing store.
09:02Fine.
09:02I'm sure we could come to a compromise and still reach our goal.
09:04No lying and no racial profiling.
09:07Those were the same rules I had when I was selling for the ACLU.
09:10Oh.
09:11American Candy Lovers United.
09:14Oh, hey Gregory.
09:15How was Podcast Club?
09:17Well, Ava needed Jacob for what was obviously a fake emergency, so it was just me and the
09:21kids.
09:21It's actually the best it's ever been.
09:23How was that without Ava?
09:23Oh, Shayla said my choreography was so old I got it from Shakespeare.
09:28Then all the kids started calling me Stop the Bard, so pretty much the same.
09:31It's good.
09:33Oh, hey, guess who I ran into yesterday?
09:35Jacob?
09:35No.
09:36Melissa?
09:36No.
09:37Barbara?
09:37Okay, I guess it was more rhetorical, but Maurice.
09:39Yeah.
09:40And guess what?
09:41Actually, don't.
09:42He asked me out on a date.
09:45Um, wow.
09:47Right?
09:49Or no, I can't tell by your reaction.
09:51Uh, um, no.
09:52No, no.
09:52It's good.
09:53Just, uh, hmm.
09:56Um, just be careful.
09:57Why?
09:58Is he a derelict?
09:59Oh, my God.
10:00Is he a ne'er-do-well?
10:00No, no.
10:01He's just, um, he's one of those all or nothing kind of guys.
10:05Intense.
10:05I just, you know, wanted to give you a heads up.
10:08Well, if he's someone you need to give me a heads up about, then why is he one of your
10:12best friends?
10:13I think we both know that being friends is different than dating.
10:19Look, I'm not trying to talk bad about Maurice.
10:21Really?
10:21Because it kind of seems like you are.
10:23No.
10:23It's just, if this doesn't end well, I don't want it to blow back on me.
10:26Oh.
10:27Okay.
10:27Well, I get that.
10:28I do.
10:29But I promise you won't have to worry about any bat getting blown.
10:35I gotta go.
10:36Yeah, me too.
10:37Okay.
10:38You know what?
10:39I'm just, I'm gonna go to my door.
10:40Thanks.
10:43There you go.
10:44Oh, Barb.
10:46I have a special announcement I need you to read.
10:47Oh, please.
10:48Does it have to be me?
10:49I've got to get back to my classroom.
10:51Just read it.
10:58Good morning, Abbott.
10:59After a few incredible days of fundraising, we have reached our goal and we are going to the Franklin Institute.
11:08Due in no small part to Principal Coleman.
11:12The gorgeous, the...
11:14I'm not reading the rest of this.
11:17We did it, Ava.
11:19And we technically have one more day of fundraising left.
11:21We can keep going.
11:22No, no, no.
11:23I don't want to push it.
11:24Come on, Barb.
11:25If we expand to a new market and go hard, there's no telling how much we can raise.
11:28We might even be able to get a part-time librarian instead of just a Alexa with glasses.
11:32Who knows what else?
11:34Mmm.
11:34I just don't think you're supposed to give milk to cats.
11:36Every cartoon says you can.
11:38Cartoons.
11:39Milk propaganda at its finest.
11:41Did you put any more thought into getting him microchipped?
11:43What?
11:44So Bill Gates can sign him up for a credit card he doesn't need?
11:47Hey, have you looked at the menu for the spot Moe's taking you to yet?
11:50Because you should already know what you're ordering before you get there.
11:53The size of women are hot.
11:55Well, I don't want to get anything too, too messy, so I'm going to get the beef ribs.
11:59Oh, tell Melissa what Moe did.
12:01Oh, so I'll just call him the Moe now.
12:03Well, he bought a bunch of candy from my kids.
12:06So sweet.
12:07Delicious pun intended.
12:08Aw, disposable income.
12:10You know what?
12:11That reminds me.
12:12I actually wanted to buy some candy.
12:14I was planning on it before we started talking about this, so I'm happy it came up because
12:17I would like to do it right now.
12:18My kids aren't here right now.
12:19Yeah, can't you buy from your own students?
12:20No, you hate candy.
12:21Why are you guys making it so hard for me to support young entrepreneurs?
12:24Oh, okay.
12:24No, no, no, no.
12:25I appreciate you, Gregory.
12:26Thank you for supporting our students.
12:28Just like Moe.
12:33I thought we'd agreed you'd put him down for a nap.
12:36We did no such thing.
12:37Well, it looks like Cinnamon Cupcake Hill could use a nap.
12:40Isn't that right, my little four-legged floopy kin?
12:42You know, there's a type of nap that's actually named after cats.
12:44If he needs to sleep, he will.
12:46Well, I am sorry for being attentive.
12:48Once again, I'm the bad guy for caring too much.
12:51Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:52You're so passive aggressive.
12:54You know what, fine.
12:54Ruin his sleep schedule.
12:55But I'm not going to stay here with him all night when he's got the zoomies.
12:58Fine by me.
12:58I'll sleep at the school all the time.
13:04Oh, they're doing such a good job.
13:06I'm afraid we're going to run out of candy.
13:08I know, right?
13:09These kids can sell a human day to a silk press.
13:11I got Henry out here running up to school.
13:13Oh, here comes Delisha Sloss.
13:16Isn't that that school board member you blackmail?
13:18Make her buy some candy.
13:19Oh, I don't have to make her do anything.
13:20They're probably coming from the pancake house in the mall,
13:23drunk on syrup and ready to spend.
13:25Well, hello, and wonderful to see you all.
13:28And to you as well, Sister Howard.
13:30I had a feeling these were Abbott students milling about.
13:33You never see any students from Addington Charter doing this sort of thing.
13:37Well, by this sort of thing, I'm sure you mean being resourceful
13:41to fill in the gaps left by the district.
13:44Mmm.
13:45Would you like to buy some candy?
13:47One dollar, please?
13:48Is the candy one dollar or two?
13:52He is correct.
13:53It is one dollar.
13:55Well, that's strange.
13:57I already bought a candy bar from that young man over there earlier,
14:00and he said it was two.
14:03Well, I'm sure there's some sort of a mistake.
14:06No problem.
14:07Henry.
14:08Henry, would you come over here, please?
14:10Yes, Mrs. Howard?
14:11This lady says that you sold her one candy bar for two dollars
14:17when they only cost a dollar.
14:19Please explain.
14:20Get it.
14:20Get it.
14:21Get it.
14:22Yep.
14:23Wave it.
14:24Ow.
14:27Give the lady her change, please.
14:30I can't say I'm surprised to see you shaking down people again.
14:35It's simply not church-like.
14:42Ooh, ain't nothing but money out here.
14:44Come on, get that sign.
14:45Ava, did you know that the students were overcharging for the candy?
14:48Oh, yeah.
14:49I told them to do it.
14:50Great job, Henry.
14:52Why would you tell the children to overcharge for the candy?
14:56It's called an incentive.
14:57It's why even after all the kids knew the Ava Coleman method,
14:59my group is still out selling yours like three to one.
15:01What have they been doing with the extra money?
15:03Whatever they want.
15:03It's their commission.
15:04Have you never worked retail?
15:05I have been retelling the principles of the Bible my entire life,
15:10and that is why I am livid that you are teaching these children to steal.
15:15Steal?
15:15Okay, hold on now.
15:16Henry got caught overcharging Sister Sloth, and I was humiliated in front of my coworkers in Christ.
15:24Didn't that woman steal from your church?
15:25That is beside the point.
15:26I don't know that it is.
15:27No field trip is worth corrupting these students.
15:30You and I had a deal, and I made a terrible mistake trusting you.
15:37You want to pinch my cheeks? My mom says it helps.
15:48That's gonna be a fun one today at Abbott Elementary.
15:51Okay, listen, I'm no lawyer, but I know a thing or two about arbitration.
15:56My ex and I were able to settle custody of our season tickets to the Phillies out of court like
16:00adults.
16:01I just want what is best for Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
16:04All you do is work. Milton barely knows who you are.
16:07He lives at my job.
16:08Okay, okay, enough. Let's get to the bottom of this. Jacob, what do you want?
16:12Cece should live with me and Zach in a two-parent household, not some geriatric bachelor pad.
16:18You don't know what kind of pad I have or how many parents live there.
16:22Although my furniture is all leather. Oh, and a suede love seat.
16:26So it's sorted. Cat will live with Jacob full-time, but does every other weekend with Mr. Johnson.
16:33You got all the fun and little to no responsibility. Believe me, your upholstery will thank me for it.
16:40You want a chocolate?
16:41You like chocolate, right? There you go.
16:44Yeah.
16:44Are you giving these away?
16:46You're very observant.
16:48I get that all the time. People tell me I have quite the eye for detail.
16:54Well, maybe not an eye for detail, but I'm very good at picking up on subtle social cues.
17:00You thought Mr. Morton had a crush on you last year.
17:02Well, that was before I realized I have an insecure attachment style.
17:05I now recognize it for the disdain that it is.
17:08Jacob, what do you want?
17:09I don't know, man.
17:10You've just been weird about that candy.
17:13And as somebody who knows your spirit, that ain't you.
17:17And the whole Moe thing?
17:19I mean, you seemed not edgy, but like jealous.
17:26Oh, my God, it's a woman.
17:28Gregory, Gregory, Gregory!
17:29Stop her. I'll scream.
17:34Do you like Janine?
17:37You're projecting.
17:38No.
17:38If I was projecting, I would say, do you love Janine?
17:40Because I love Janine.
17:41I said, like.
17:45You sound ridiculous.
17:51The plot thickens.
17:55You got something to say to me, then just say it.
17:57I already did.
17:58Well, if you got something else to say to me, then just say it.
18:00But what you're not gonna do is give me the cold shoulder in this school that I own.
18:03Again, the principal runs the school, does not own the school.
18:08You know how many times Henry comes to my office needing pants or lunch money or something?
18:12I'm happy he trusts you enough to ask for help.
18:15It doesn't matter how much he trusts me.
18:17I want to teach him to make extra money to pocket so he can take care of himself.
18:20Some of our students don't have it like that.
18:22I have been an educator longer than you have been alive,
18:25and I am well aware of our students' many stressors and financial situations.
18:30But that does not mean that they should lie, cheat, or scam.
18:34Nobody got hurt because he sold that candy for a little more.
18:37And the only reason you get to have morals about this is because you can't afford them.
18:41You didn't grow up having to make hard choices. I did.
18:45And what you call scamming got me by.
18:47And look at me now. I own a school.
18:59So, it turns out the cat belongs to Breanne in fourth grade.
19:03She lost him when she brought him in for show and tell,
19:06which you are not supposed to do for obvious reasons.
19:09Don't touch me. I told you we three should have gotten in that car and never looked back.
19:16Henry, may I talk to you for a moment, please?
19:19I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.
19:22Sweetheart, you did no such thing. I'm sorry for embarrassing you. Forgive me?
19:28I don't think an adult has ever apologized to me before.
19:32It's kind of lit.
19:33I forgive you, Miss Howard.
19:35Thank you, Henry.
19:37Would you be interested in helping out at a church bake sale?
19:40We're going to need an expert salesman like you if we're going to make any money.
19:44You'll get a cut out of everything you sell. How about 5%?
19:5090%.
19:5190%.
19:5110%.
19:51And you get to keep whatever you don't sell.
19:54Deal.
19:55Deal.
19:56Yeah.
20:01Bar, next time I do something to help others, which I'm very good at,
20:04I'll make sure to give you the whole story so that you're not surprised.
20:07Thank you, Ava.
20:09Honoring what I just said, I borrowed your school ID to get free pancakes at the original Hip Hop House
20:13of Pancakes.
20:14And give it to teachers and not principals. Ain't that criminal?
20:21Hey.
20:23Hey.
20:24So I know that your date is tonight, and I just wanted to say that I hope you have fun.
20:28Mo's a really good guy.
20:30Aw, thank you. He must be if he's friends with you.
20:34Mm-hmm.
20:35Oh, um, one more thing. Maybe don't order the ribs. I've seen you eat ribs before. It can get aggressive.
20:41It's a good call.
20:46And you know, it was just really shocking for the whole family.
20:49Mm-hmm.
20:50I mean, I know I wasn't prepared to lose you, you know. Small. Just a kid.
20:55It really changed the way I looked at life from that day forward.
20:58Wow.
21:00You know, I really never opened up about this kind of stuff before.
21:04Thank you for listening.
21:06Mm, good.
21:08Are you kidding?
21:09Thank you for sharing.
21:12Speaking of sharing, do you want...
21:13Some of this is really good.
21:15No, no, don't.
21:17Nothing. No.
21:19Mm.
21:20Mm.
21:21I'm not done.
21:24Delicious.
21:25And a large popcorn.
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