- 2 days ago
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00:02Oh!
00:02Excuse me.
00:03Yeah.
00:05So, Gregory, Eddie, Mr. Eddie, I see you're back from break.
00:09Yes, indeed.
00:10And I see you, Miss Teeks, are also back from break.
00:14Yep.
00:14Need to just...
00:16Oh, no, I was, um, but we could, yeah.
00:18No?
00:18Mm-mm.
00:19You don't have to.
00:20Funny how social skills just atrophy when you never use them.
00:24They're just being weird because they dance at a club during break.
00:27The only club I go to is Bible Club.
00:29Do they play good music there?
00:30My favorite club just got shut down because they let a whore sign.
00:47It was a Disney Channel grind at best. Grow up.
00:50Take these score sheets.
00:51Uh, score sheets for what?
00:52Oh, this week is the read-a-thon.
00:55Sponsored by Donuts Pizza.
00:57Donuts for reading.
00:58Shut up, Janine.
00:59So how does this work?
01:01The class that reads the most gets a pizza party?
01:03I mean, that's what the kids... want?
01:05Kind of.
01:06Every kid gets pizza, but we track the class in each grade that reads the most.
01:10It's mostly ceremonial, but some of us take it more seriously than others.
01:14Clear the way, two times second grade read-a-thon champion coming through.
01:19And this belt's staying with the champ.
01:22Yeah, well, who wants to wear a big belt anyway?
01:29Either way, I'll be the one wearing that.
01:32Because my kids are gonna win.
01:34Because they want to, not me.
01:35I believe in losing.
01:37It builds character.
01:38I would never bet against Melissa in a read-off.
01:41I have seen her inspire even the most reluctant readers to devour a complete boxcar children's.
01:47Mm-hmm.
01:48I'm gonna mop the floor with you, Teagues.
01:50You don't want to do that.
01:52It'll just spread the spill around.
01:57Janine!
01:58Did you see the big news?
02:00Oh, my God.
02:01Did the multicolored pushpins come in?
02:02No.
02:03Well, I mean, yes.
02:04That is huge.
02:05But, uh, I got two sign-ups for After School Podcast Club.
02:08Oh, two.
02:10Two?
02:10Wow.
02:11That's enough to tango.
02:12I cannot wait to get started.
02:13I'm picturing This American Life meets Pod Save America with the research of the Daily,
02:18the storytelling of the moth, all while, like, redefining the form, a la Radiolab.
02:22How many white podcasts do you listen to?
02:24Hundreds.
02:25I listen at triple speed, though, to fit them all in.
02:28Actually, this conversation kind of feels like it's in slow motion.
02:30But I am so informed.
02:34Gregory!
02:35We got two sign-ups.
02:37You ready to, uh, redefine journalistic storytelling?
02:40Wait, you're doing the podcast club?
02:42You get paid a little more when you do an extracurricular,
02:44and my financial status continues to be a source of tension in my romantic life.
02:52Yeah, you're gonna need a lot more than one cart of books to beat my kids.
02:55Yes, I'm well aware of that.
02:57This is my third trip back from the library this morning.
03:00How you doing that?
03:01Well, I didn't want to reveal my secret earlier.
03:04But I figured out how to fit two weeks of math lessons into next week.
03:09Which means, this week, my kids can devote their time to reading.
03:13And beating your class.
03:16And beating your class.
03:16Behold.
03:18Our reading wonderland.
03:21Figured if I come for the queen, then I best not miss.
03:27Right, kids?
03:28Right?
03:28And so if you think.
03:33All right, listen up, my little eagles.
03:38It's game time.
03:39I'm gonna need yous reading nonstop, okay?
03:41That means if you're at recess, you're reading.
03:43On the bus, reading.
03:45If you were in gym class, the sit and reach is now the sit and read.
03:48Yes, Felicity?
03:49What about when I take a shower?
03:51Slide the bar into a Ziploc bag.
03:53Now listen, Miss Teagues thinks that her class can outread you.
03:57But that ain't gonna happen.
03:58So, what time is it?
04:00Game time!
04:01That's right!
04:02Deja, Levi, Brianna, come on up here for a second.
04:06All right, listen up.
04:08You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you.
04:11Can you handle it?
04:12We got this, Miss Schemency.
04:13All right.
04:14That's my girl.
04:15Go get them, kids.
04:16I'm gonna read more books than anyone.
04:19Yeah!
04:20All right!
04:21Levi, Maya's gonna do her best, all right?
04:24Just like everybody else.
04:26Maya's a great student, just when it comes to reading.
04:30Hey, kids, like adults, all have their strengths and weaknesses.
04:35As in, you know, Janine's got lots of weaknesses, and my strength is exploiting them.
04:40Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor to embark with you on the inaugural voyage of this Abbott life.
04:47Producer Gregory and I...
04:49Mr. Reddy.
04:50...we understand that the world needs your stories.
04:53And this podcast is going to be a window into the very soul of Abbott.
04:58Soft, inviting intros, rhetorical questions dripping with pregnant pauses.
05:04The Ira Glass model.
05:05What type of pauses?
05:08What's an Ira Glass?
05:09Ira Glass?
05:10The godfather of podcasting?
05:12The podfather?
05:13Oh.
05:13You mean Joe Budden?
05:14Oh.
05:15I think he pronounces it Biden, but we will work on diction when the mics are hot.
05:19You've never heard of Joe Budden?
05:21Here.
05:29Whoa!
05:29Okay.
05:31I'm not sure how Mr. Budden's mother would feel about that podcast.
05:35Anyways, here's something to go off of for episode one.
05:39But, you know, make it your own.
05:41Wherever the story takes you, go there.
05:44Y'all be careful.
05:45That equipment ain't cheap.
05:46You think just anybody can start a podcast?
05:48Please.
05:49Oh, you haven't heard of the Coleman Podcast Network?
05:51It's a couple of housewife recaps, banana mouth,
05:54my screenwriting advice podcast, Catch These Fade Ins.
05:57Not to mention my ASMR endeavors.
06:00But Spotify made me take those down.
06:05I'm telling you, Barb, I've never had a class make this much reading progress this fast.
06:10We're riding that magic school bus straight to victory.
06:13I never cared for that Miss Frizzle.
06:15Always wearing those kooky outfits and that overzealous can-do attitude.
06:19You guys talking about the readathon?
06:21I am killing it.
06:23Yeah, my kids are behind a few pages, but not for long.
06:25We are winning it to be in it.
06:27No, that's not it.
06:29I just think it's cute how you're still trying, Janine.
06:32You're not going to catch us.
06:33That wimpy kid can't crank out diaries fast enough.
06:38Well, wait.
06:39Nurse Makaya, where are you going with these three?
06:41They wouldn't stop rubbing their eyes on the playground.
06:43One of them said they've been reading this in the bathroom,
06:45then gave the book to the other two.
06:47It's pink eye.
06:48It's always pink eye.
06:50Oh, my three strongest readers.
06:52Why?
06:53You told us to read at all times.
06:55I did.
06:56Come on.
06:57Come on, kids.
06:58Let's go.
06:58Hope you feel better, kids.
07:01Ugh.
07:01Your pizza's cooked, Chementi.
07:03I genuinely do hope your kids feel better, but you're done.
07:06You know what, Janine?
07:07Oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:09You want to talk about pink eyes, Janine?
07:11I'm going to give you a black eye.
07:13You caborts.
07:14Yeah.
07:15There's going to be something like that.
07:16Hmm?
07:28Oh, hello.
07:30How long have you been sitting there?
07:31I'm standing, and a long time.
07:33Okay.
07:34Well, you could just wipe that smirk off your face.
07:36I know plenty of people have counted me out before, and while I have absolutely no way
07:41of confirming this, I'm positive they're all dead.
07:44I hope not, but since you're so sure, how about we raise...
07:50This is in the way.
07:53How about we raise the stakes?
07:54Oh, okay.
07:55A side bet.
07:56All right.
07:56What are you thinking?
07:57Hmm.
08:00I don't know.
08:01I'm confident I'm winning, but I don't have anything of value or any money.
08:04Okay.
08:04How about we wager something you can't possibly put a price on?
08:08Dignity.
08:08Oh.
08:09Loser has to streak at the Sixers game.
08:12Yeah.
08:13Yep.
08:14Mm-hmm.
08:15Definitely, I would do that, but also, um, something else that could be just as bad is
08:23loser has to be a guest on Jacob's podcast.
08:26Equally as humiliating.
08:27All right.
08:28Okay.
08:30Okay, listen up.
08:32Y'all already heard the news.
08:33Levi, Deja, and Brianna have pink eye.
08:36Now, I know they were leading the charge, but we are still in this.
08:40Right?
08:41We can come back from this setback, and when we do, it'll make the victory all the sweeter.
08:45Because, my little eagles, these are the moments that will define the rest of your lives.
08:51You don't want to look back on this week when you're 35 and think, man,
08:55if I had only won that reading thing.
08:58So, who was going to step up and lead this class to eternal glory?
09:04I'll read the class to eternal glory.
09:06That's right, Maya.
09:07Who else?
09:07I guess I can read while I watch TV.
09:10Yeah.
09:10If I listen to an audio book while I fall asleep, that counts, right?
09:14I don't need to know how you do it.
09:15Just get those books read.
09:16All right.
09:17Let's go.
09:17Crack those books.
09:20A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump.
09:24Stunk.
09:24What are you doing?
09:25I'm checking levels.
09:26Can you hear me?
09:27Not really.
09:28Wish I couldn't.
09:29Don't mind me.
09:30I'm just here to make fun of you.
09:32Thank you for the honesty.
09:33Okay.
09:34Is everybody good on the theme?
09:36Yep.
09:36Kavis, you're your blues.
09:37We got plenty on that.
09:38Well, I knew you would.
09:39Okay, producer, Mr. Eddie, roll that royalty-free music and I will jump into my intro.
09:48Lunchtime can be so polarizing.
09:50For some, it's a well-earned midday break.
09:52For others, a bit more complicated.
09:54In West Philadelphia, I'm Jacob Hill.
09:56Today on This Abbott Life, two of our producers tell us about those cafeteria complications firsthand.
10:02Gentlemen.
10:03What's up, Mr. C?
10:06Man, Abbott cafeteria is a whole movie.
10:08Right.
10:10All the school baddies in one place.
10:12We're talking about the cafeteria and you're talking about girls?
10:15Lunchtime's about starting rumors.
10:17Otherwise, the bus ride home is going to be boring.
10:21Like the rumor that you pee in pools?
10:24Yo, that's a whole lie.
10:26Show some respect.
10:27I'm trying to respect these Johns, but you over there are blocking me.
10:29Okay, okay.
10:29All right.
10:30Um, yeah.
10:30Good, uh, energy.
10:32But maybe rein it in a tad.
10:35Remember, this is about journalistic storytelling.
10:37Okay?
10:38There's no need to argue.
10:39This is what podcasts are about.
10:41We're just being ourselves.
10:43Yeah, I checked out some of those podcasts you're telling us about.
10:46It's like listening to school.
10:48Don't waste your time.
10:49Those nerds speak like a bow tie came alive.
10:51Well, we all know that Michael Barbaro milks it a bit.
10:54But you have to master the fundamentals of podcasting before you can break them.
10:57Right, producer Mr. Eddy?
10:59Oh, I wasn't listening.
11:01Oh.
11:01But please don't feel the need to repeat yourself.
11:02Can I at least tell a story about that one time when I was spitting games to Emily?
11:05No.
11:06No.
11:06Sorry.
11:07Jacob, let that boy speak.
11:09Emily is top ten popular and I need that tea.
11:12Come on, let's get it.
11:16Oh, look, look, look, look.
11:18Okay, according to this chart, Janine, my class is way ahead of yours.
11:23Let me get this straight.
11:24Three of your best readers go down with pink eye.
11:26Mm-hmm.
11:27And yet, somehow, your class starts reading more books than everyone?
11:31Yeah, because I give one hell of an inspiring speech.
11:34You know, we shementies pride ourselves on our art of coercion.
11:38Motivation.
11:38You know, if it wasn't for one of Melissa's speeches, I never would have watched the King's
11:42speech.
11:43But I tell you what, that Colin Powell sure can act.
11:47Mm.
11:48Yeah, well, speech or no speech, something is off.
11:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:53Are you accusing me of cheating, Teeks?
11:55Uh, yeah.
11:56Only because you brag about cheating all the time.
12:00Hey, now, now, Melissa does cheat from time to time.
12:05Yeah, you know, my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend.
12:08Keto diet, because I ain't giving up carbs.
12:10But she would never cheat on an actual competition.
12:13Yeah.
12:14What am I, the USC athletic director?
12:16Okay, fine.
12:16You know what?
12:17I'm gonna go right now and check my readers' reports, just to make sure we're on the level.
12:21Right?
12:21Look, listen, all I'm saying is I just want things to be fair.
12:24And I bet when you watch sports, you root for the refs.
12:28I do.
12:29You do?
12:30Yeah.
12:31Mm-hmm.
12:37Maya, could you bring that book up to my desk, please?
12:41Great.
12:41What you reading, hon?
12:45Rip Van Winkle.
12:48That's okay.
12:48That's a hard one.
12:49Rip Van Winkle.
12:52How is it?
12:52It's good?
12:53Yeah?
12:54So, on this form your parents signed, it says that you read, like, 25 books last night.
12:59I'm just checking, is that the number you meant to put down?
13:02Yes.
13:03I hope the class kick Miss Teague's butt.
13:05Yeah, you are.
13:07You sure are.
13:09Um, so, you said you, um, read, like, ten of those Berenstain Bears books.
13:13Just remind me, what's the name of the sister bear again?
13:16Mmm.
13:17Beyonce.
13:21Hey!
13:22Here they are!
13:23The hosts of Abbott Elementary's number one podcast!
13:27What'd you think of that first step I dropped?
13:29Droll, right?
13:30This episode blows!
13:34Sorry.
13:35Uh, what do you mean?
13:37You ruined our episode.
13:39But cafeteria staff say negotiations with the district come down to one thing.
13:43Respect?
13:44Respect.
13:46Respect.
13:46Chapter three.
13:48The popular kids' table can be a daunting...
13:50This isn't what we recorded.
13:53This is your script.
13:54Producer Gregory and I thought...
13:56Mr. Eddy had nothing to do with this.
13:57Okay, I thought that a more school-appropriate version would be more appropriate for school.
14:05Look, there's a learning curve here, you know, we are all...
14:07You censored us.
14:09Okay.
14:10Do not say that.
14:11This isn't what we signed up for.
14:13Yeah, man.
14:14We quit.
14:16I was really excited for this, too.
14:20Um...
14:20Do we still get paid for the club if there are no students in the club?
14:25No.
14:27Blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:34Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
14:36Hey, come sit down.
14:38Hey, Maya, why don't you go read one of those books I put out?
14:40How about I read all the books?
14:42Okay.
14:44Listen, I just wanted to check in with you guys about Maya.
14:47Is something wrong?
14:48Is she okay?
14:49Oh, no, no.
14:50She's fantastic.
14:51Are you kidding?
14:52She's got her math down to a science and her science down to an art.
14:57Um, yeah.
14:58Okay, so the thing is that she brought in her read-a-thon list this morning that you guys signed
15:03off on.
15:04And I just don't see how it's possible she read all these books just last night.
15:08Of course she did.
15:10Listen, she's fantastic, but none of the kids in the class can read 25 books in one night.
15:17She's still a fine reader.
15:19Okay.
15:20Maya, who is your favorite character in Kyrius George?
15:24Um, George?
15:27Let's see.
15:28Here's the thing.
15:29Maya is just starting to show some initial signs of struggling with reading.
15:35And the last thing that I want is for her to get frustrated and then, you know, get annoyed and
15:40give up on reading altogether.
15:42So I just thought, if we get her tested, we can eliminate any issues she might have with reading.
15:48Maya doesn't need some tests.
15:49I know that the idea of testing your child can be a little scary, but listen, we just don't want
15:55her to fall behind.
15:55There is nothing wrong with her.
15:57Oh, no, no, no.
15:58Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
15:59I never said she was falling behind.
16:00There's nothing wrong with her.
16:02She's a fantastic student.
16:03Maya.
16:03Let's go.
16:03She just needs a little extra help just in the reading.
16:06Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
16:07I just finished four more books, Mr. Menti.
16:11Four.
16:19Okay, guys.
16:20After rerunning the numbers, it appears that Miss T's class read more books than us.
16:25Aww.
16:26Yeah, no, no.
16:26Don't get it twisted.
16:28Let's think about it.
16:29If you're in Miss T's class, are you really a winner?
16:32All right, don't repeat that.
16:33I just want to let you chipmunks know how proud I am of you, all the books you read.
16:37And when you walk out of this classroom, you keep your heads held high.
16:41Because at the end of the day, all that really matters is everyone's eating pizza.
16:46Mr. Menti?
16:47Yes?
16:47I really try to help our class read the most books.
16:50But can I be done with books now?
16:53I mean, the contest is over, right?
16:57Yeah, actually, Maya, can I get your help with something in the hall real quick?
17:01Great.
17:02You guys keep eating your pizza.
17:04Okay.
17:04So, Maya, I want to ask you something.
17:08And I want you to be honest with me.
17:10Okay?
17:11Because remember, it's me, Miss Menti.
17:13Remember when we trekked through that snowstorm together?
17:16Stomp, stomp, stomp, bum and a boo.
17:20Yeah.
17:21Um, can reading feel just like a little tough sometimes?
17:26A lot of tough.
17:28Oh, yeah.
17:28You know what?
17:30For me, too.
17:31Really?
17:32Yeah, yeah.
17:33But I found some tricks over the years to help make it easier.
17:37Like, look, see the beginning of each of the words is highlighted?
17:42That helps make sense out of the whole word minestrone.
17:45See, the story's about a little girl who had to read things a few times until they made sense.
17:52And sometimes some of the other kids would make fun of her.
17:55But at the end, she figures out that it doesn't matter how fast or slow you read.
18:00Reading's about having fun.
18:03See, my teacher gave this to me when I was a little girl, just about your age.
18:09And I promise you, I grew up to love reading.
18:16Mr. Menti?
18:17Yeah?
18:18I still wish we would've won.
18:20Yeah, me too, kiddo.
18:22But, you know, what are you gonna do?
18:23The rules are the rules.
18:24This rules stink.
18:25Yeah, they do.
18:26Go have some pizza.
18:35What happened to your little podcast club?
18:37Oh.
18:38Kids decided they didn't wanna do it anymore.
18:40Yeah, I don't blame them.
18:41I almost fell asleep listening to the first episode.
18:43And I was driving.
18:44Your podcast could've killed me.
18:47I just wanted to give the kids something new and exciting to do, you know?
18:52New and exciting for them or for you?
18:53Because it sounds like you was trying to force them to do something that you wanna do.
18:57You're a bad teacher.
18:59You're a bad teacher.
18:59Oh, my God.
19:01I've had this exact nightmare before.
19:03Yeah.
19:04People tell me that a lot.
19:05I call it Ava Vu.
19:07Now, get outta here.
19:07There's a new episode of Below Deck that I gotta review for my podcast, Small Deck Energy.
19:13I wanted to be like Sarah Koenig, you know?
19:16A graceful hand to hold through gripping stories.
19:19But instead, I tried to force my agenda onto impressionable listeners.
19:26I Roganed.
19:28Melissa, I'm sorry you're lost.
19:31What do you think Jacob's gonna ask you on that podcast?
19:34Oh, I'm not doing that crap.
19:40See that?
19:41I'm like a tall Simone Biles.
19:43Times like these, I'm reminded of Sir LeVar Burton, who taught us that reading is like a rainbow.
19:50And the pot of gold is that I won.
19:53You know, Janine, I reread the rules that donuts prints out on their form.
19:58You know, sometimes it takes me reading through things a couple of times before I get everything.
20:02The winning teacher is determined by whichever classroom reads the most books.
20:08And since my second and third grade class are in one room, the classroom,
20:13I get to add their totals together, which unfortunately for you means I won.
20:19Donut said what?
20:27I've got to be back, Mr. C.
20:28Yeah.
20:29Thanks for letting us make it our own.
20:31For this habit life, here's Clarence and Raheem.
20:36So, what questions do you little reporters have for me today?
20:39My mama said she saw you at the club, grinding all up on producer Mr. Eddie.
20:45Oh, well, uh, what kind of podcast is this?
20:48Okay, so you were grinding.
20:50No, no, no, no, no, no, I was not.
20:52We were dancing, you know, just how normal people dance, right?
20:55Like normal people.
20:56Yeah.
20:57Clarence's mom said she saw you leave together.
20:59But that is not true.
21:00And what happened?
21:01I was outside talking to his friend Maurice.
21:03What?
21:05Um, Jacob, isn't this exactly the kind of podcast we wanted to steer away from?
21:10Actually, I would love to hear if you have anything you'd like to add.
21:12You know, for journalistic purposes.
21:17This episode was brought to you by the Coleman Podcast Network.
21:20Yeah, we're still waiting for that answer.
21:24Delicious.
21:25Delicious.
21:25And a large popcorn.
21:26And a large popcorn.
21:31We'll be right back in the minute.
21:32See you with click on live events.
21:33Bye.
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