Half Man 2026 Episode 5 | English Sub - video Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00:21Transcription by ESO. Translation by —

00:00:57Transcription by ESO. Translation by —

00:01:28Transcription by —

00:01:58Transcription by —

00:02:00So, do you guys have any questions?

00:02:04Yeah, I mean, what happens now?

00:02:06Well, I think you need to start planning.

00:02:08This is a geriatric pregnancy,

00:02:09and you need to limit anything which causes stress in your life.

00:02:13Jesus, no, you're going to have to move out, then.

00:02:15Hmm.

00:02:17And that machine's trustworthy, is it?

00:02:20Excuse me?

00:02:21It's just to hear stories, don't you?

00:02:23You know, people get scanned and there's actually been nothing in there at all.

00:02:25Like a phantom pregnancy, I think it's called.

00:02:28Something which isn't there, but its presence is...

00:02:31is felt.

00:02:32I'll have a phantom relationship if you keep talking.

00:02:35No, rest assured, Mr Kennedy, this is very real.

00:02:39It's something you need to plan for,

00:02:41regardless of what you decide to do.

00:02:45I'll leave you guys to chat.

00:02:50It's bad luck, at least.

00:02:52We have sex, like, once in six months and I get pregnant.

00:02:56Just think about it now.

00:02:57All the crying and screaming and mood swings.

00:03:01And then there's a baby to think about.

00:03:09You can be honest with me, you know.

00:03:13About what?

00:03:14About whether you want this.

00:03:16Go on, free pass.

00:03:18No judgment.

00:03:20God, I don't know.

00:03:21I mean...

00:03:23Are you saying you want to do it?

00:03:25I think so.

00:03:27I'm 42.

00:03:29I've been told I could never have kids.

00:03:31This genuinely might be my last chance to be unhappy.

00:03:37But hey, Niall, silver linings.

00:03:40At least it's a short commute to work for me today.

00:03:43I'll see you later on.

00:03:50Oh, wait.

00:03:51Are you still on for dinner with Reuven and Mona later?

00:03:54That's today, is it?

00:03:55Christ.

00:03:56They're not going to be all over each other again like last time, are they?

00:03:59No, I don't think so.

00:04:01I've spoken to them about that.

00:04:03Then fine, I'll be there.

00:04:05Bye, Niall.

00:04:20Well, you're fucking gorgeous, aren't you?

00:04:24This neck.

00:04:25I could fucking eat this neck.

00:04:27Just be a fucking head.

00:04:28And some shoulders.

00:04:38Sorry, uh, what were you saying?

00:04:41Well, I was just talking about Greece potentially heading out the Eurozone and going back to the drachma.

00:04:46Right, yeah.

00:04:48Shite.

00:04:49Look, uh, shall we call it here?

00:04:50It's getting dark soon.

00:04:52Hey, you know, we haven't asked Niall about his new book yet.

00:04:54Oh, fuck me.

00:04:55Yeah, let's call it here, Reuben.

00:04:56Hold on to your guys a taxi.

00:04:57Go ahead, Niall, I'm listening.

00:04:59Reuben, what's this one about?

00:05:00Well, it's a semi-autobiographical story about a young boy.

00:05:04Good Lord, he's starting.

00:05:05Hurry up, Reuben.

00:05:06I'm texting as quick as I can, don't worry.

00:05:08Yeah, well, Ian.

00:05:09Oh, stop.

00:05:10We're just having banter.

00:05:11You know, one day I'll have a partner that respects me.

00:05:14Wow.

00:05:15Can't wait to meet her.

00:05:16Ha!

00:05:17Ha!

00:05:17Fucking love this girl.

00:05:19Ha!

00:05:20Ha!

00:05:22Ha!

00:05:22Right.

00:05:23Triber says he's five minutes away.

00:05:25I'll walk you out.

00:05:30Can you believe it?

00:05:31Drinking fucking wine out the garden like a couple of posh guns.

00:05:35Where we've come from.

00:05:36Fuck me.

00:05:37I don't know.

00:05:38Oh, man, look.

00:05:39I know I joke, but I just wanted to say, proud of you.

00:05:43I remember when we met back up, you were fucking rock bottom, man.

00:05:46Now look at you.

00:05:47Good girl.

00:05:48Nice house.

00:05:49New book.

00:05:50Massive cock.

00:05:51That's always a constant.

00:05:55When do you think you'll be done by, with the writing?

00:05:58Oh, not long, I wouldn't say.

00:05:59It's the final push.

00:06:02Just figuring out the ending.

00:06:04Oh, yeah.

00:06:05Well, the book's going to need an ending, isn't it?

00:06:10Why do you ask?

00:06:13Well, look, I hate to do this, but I'm going to need that money back I lent you.

00:06:22What, all of it?

00:06:23Yeah, fucking all of it.

00:06:24Jesus, Reuben, it's 30 grand.

00:06:26Can't we just wait six months until the launch bonus comes through?

00:06:28No chance.

00:06:29Just write the ending and get the book done.

00:06:31Any ending will do.

00:06:32Oh, come on, Reuben.

00:06:34Wouldn't that be compromising my artistic integrity?

00:06:36You'll feel a lot better about it when I'm compromising your health.

00:06:44Okay, that was harsh.

00:06:45Don't need to apologize.

00:06:46I didn't.

00:06:55Look, can we chat about this another time?

00:06:58I don't want to over to you.

00:06:59How?

00:07:00She knows you owe me this money.

00:07:01Yeah, it's just...

00:07:02She thinks I paid you back already.

00:07:06But you didn't pay me back.

00:07:08I know.

00:07:11Fuck me.

00:07:12You stole 30k from your girlfriend.

00:07:14Stole it from her dad.

00:07:15Still, that's fucking insane.

00:07:17What enough did you spend it on?

00:07:19It doesn't matter.

00:07:20It's nothing important.

00:07:21Well, clearly more important than paying me back.

00:07:25Are you seriously telling me you had my money?

00:07:28And kept it all for yourself?

00:07:31Yeah.

00:07:34I'm sorry.

00:07:37You shouldn't have told me that, though.

00:07:40You really shouldn't have told me that.

00:08:01It's just weird.

00:08:02He earns 100 grand a year.

00:08:04What does he need it for?

00:08:05I don't know, Niall.

00:08:06Why don't you tell me your theory so I can use it to point out your character flaws?

00:08:10He's fucking with me.

00:08:12Brilliant.

00:08:12To get me back for prison by asking it back at a pivotal career moment.

00:08:16Oh, please.

00:08:17He gets you back for screwing him over by giving you the equivalent of a semi-detached.

00:08:21I didn't screw him over.

00:08:22We've been through this.

00:08:23We screwed each other over.

00:08:25That's what we settled on.

00:08:26Still pretty long, arduous, expensive fucking with you, isn't it?

00:08:30Lending you money and knowing he will never get it back.

00:08:33When breaking your fingers is so cheap.

00:08:35Yeah, I'm telling you, this is what he does.

00:08:37Niall, he's done more for you than anyone these past few years.

00:08:40He kept you going financially.

00:08:42After you practically cleared me out of house and home, you're nonsense.

00:08:47I think your problem is you still think of him as the boy you grew up with.

00:08:52Just talk to him.

00:08:53Take him somewhere he enjoys.

00:08:55Catch him at a good moment.

00:08:56He'll be fine.

00:08:58He'll wait another six months.

00:09:00I promise you.

00:09:03He's big and fluffy underneath it all.

00:09:05Really.

00:09:11Motherfucker!

00:09:11I just find it fucking ridiculous.

00:09:13Get this.

00:09:15Mona said last night she wants to start teaching dance classes.

00:09:17Have you ever heard of anything so fucking stupid?

00:09:20I asked her what she'd get from it.

00:09:23Know what she said?

00:09:25Self-empowerment.

00:09:26It's pathetic.

00:09:27She's my wife.

00:09:28She should take all the power from me.

00:09:31I've spoiled her rotten.

00:09:32And now she's telling me she needs a life when I've given her the best one around.

00:09:35It's fucking rude, is what it is.

00:09:37And I don't trust the cunt that's asking her either.

00:09:39Benji.

00:09:40Fucking Uncle Rico twat.

00:09:41He has ill intentions.

00:09:43And it pisses me off.

00:09:44I want to go down there and crack his head open.

00:09:46Dance on his fucking brains.

00:09:53Anyway, what do you want to speak to me about?

00:09:57Oh, just this money business.

00:09:59Oh, fuck me.

00:10:00Is that why we're here?

00:10:00Soften me with soft toys?

00:10:02I thought it would be nice.

00:10:03Yeah, you're paying me back now.

00:10:05That's not fair.

00:10:06Not fair?

00:10:07You know, you're the only cunt in the world who could borrow 30k and then make the other

00:10:10cunt feel unreasonable for asking it back.

00:10:12Yeah, but can't we come up with some sort of system instead?

00:10:15Sure, you can pay me back 800 a month.

00:10:17Impossible.

00:10:19I mean, I could do 200 at a press.

00:10:21No, it's not enough.

00:10:22Well, then I might have options for him.

00:10:24Short of giving up on my dreams, and I'm not willing to do that.

00:10:27Come on now, they've given up on you.

00:10:34Okay, that was harsh.

00:10:35Don't need to apologise.

00:10:36Fucking didn't.

00:10:42Look, I'm not a monster, all right?

00:10:44There are other ways of doing this.

00:10:46What other ways?

00:10:47Well, I pay a gardener and a cleaner £15 an hour.

00:10:50I can let them go.

00:10:51You can pick up the slack.

00:10:52Deduct it from the toll.

00:10:55You want me to be your bitch?

00:10:57Hey, Mr. Redeemer's nobody's bitch.

00:11:00That's one way of doing it.

00:11:01A couple of times a week, we can call it 200 a month.

00:11:04Add it to the 200, that's 400 total.

00:11:06I can stomach that for now.

00:11:07Yeah, but Ruben, Jesus, I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.

00:11:12I mean, do you feel comfortable with that?

00:11:17Yeah, I think I can live with it.

00:11:19Let's go.

00:11:51Aye. Care to join? Sure. I hate that he's making you do this. So where is he? God knows.

00:12:19Stalking through the night.

00:12:22I take it you suggested these dance classes again. Is that right?

00:12:27Yep. He storms straight out.

00:12:31I see. Are you going to defy him?

00:12:35Yeah. Can't start World War III over a few twirls. Maybe you could write a chapter in your book about

00:12:46me going. I can read it and it'll be like I'm there.

00:12:49Yeah. Well, it wouldn't be what you're looking for. I haven't danced in my life.

00:12:53Oh, come on now. Scottish country dancing at school.

00:12:56Oh, piss off. Most embarrassing experience of my life. Nobody would dance for me. Meanwhile, Reuben had about five women

00:13:02hanging off of him.

00:13:03Yeah. That's her boy.

00:13:09Yeah.

00:13:13Missed that Reuben, you know?

00:13:17Yeah. Me too.

00:13:23What do you think happened?

00:13:27Just men.

00:13:29They always fall away with time.

00:13:40Look, I'd better head off, actually.

00:13:44Ava will be wondering.

00:13:46You go, Tiger.

00:14:00What I forgot to say.

00:14:05I remember you dancing.

00:14:07Back at school.

00:14:10It's hard to describe, but I remember you just being so free.

00:14:48Ruben.

00:14:49Ruben.

00:14:49What did you say to her?

00:14:50Excuse me?

00:14:51She's taking a first class tonight.

00:14:53Something about how she looked dancing back at school.

00:14:55Oh.

00:14:56It's just a comment.

00:14:57Well, what are you doing commenting?

00:14:59She's just about to back up the whole fucking thing.

00:15:01Ruben, I really don't think this is a big deal.

00:15:03Yes, it is.

00:15:03You fucked me.

00:15:04Because now, instead of stopping her hobby, I'm stifling her freedom.

00:15:07I don't see what the problem is here.

00:15:09The problem is, she used to stay at home all day and wait for me.

00:15:12Now I get back and she's out there throwing her fucking body about.

00:15:15So?

00:15:15There's nothing wrong with enjoying a bit of attention.

00:15:17I mean, if you've got it, flaunt it.

00:15:18That's wise.

00:15:19Hey, hey, hey.

00:15:19She hasn't got it.

00:15:20We're married.

00:15:22I've fucking got it.

00:15:23It's not hers to flaunt.

00:15:24It's mine to keep.

00:15:26Are you taking your meds, Ruben?

00:15:28I'll fucking take all of them if you don't sort this out.

00:15:30Well, what do you want me to do?

00:15:33I want you to go down to Dan's class and keep an eye on her.

00:15:37You want me to stalk your wife?

00:15:39No, I don't want you to stalk my wife now.

00:15:40Jesus Christ.

00:15:43Just stay close to her.

00:15:44Trace her movements.

00:15:45Follow her around the place a bit.

00:15:46But don't stalk her.

00:15:50I don't know, Ruben.

00:15:51This all feels a bit off to me.

00:15:54Oh, I don't know you've done worse than this before, have you not?

00:15:57I mean, maybe we can go upstairs to Ava and let her decide.

00:16:01Or her father.

00:16:04But what?

00:16:05You expect me to, like, join in?

00:16:08Yeah.

00:16:09Why not?

00:16:10If you're so pro it, maybe you'll find freedom in it, too.

00:16:14And stop her drinking.

00:16:16She always spills her guts when she drinks.

00:16:45It's all I want to do, so don't you dance.

00:16:49Okay, guys, shall we begin?

00:16:58Okay, we're going deep squat.

00:16:59Ready?

00:17:01Three, two, one.

00:17:02One, two, one.

00:17:13Everyone's moving.

00:17:14I have to smoke so much right now.

00:17:16We do, otherwise.

00:17:18It was great.

00:17:18Well done.

00:17:20I'm sorry.

00:17:42I'm sorry.

00:17:44You know what Ruben's like when he gets persuasive.

00:17:47Yeah, I do, actually, which is why I'm not giving in to it this time.

00:17:50I'll get to 16 and realise I've spent my life in his pockets.

00:17:53I mean, this is really all about dancing?

00:17:57No.

00:17:58It goes a lot deeper than that.

00:18:01Well, go on, you can see.

00:18:03No, I can't.

00:18:06I'll destroy him.

00:18:11Well, how about a drink instead?

00:18:15What?

00:18:16He has to have all to it.

00:18:18Yeah, this random dude.

00:18:19He told me it's great to see me going for it at my age.

00:18:23That's insane.

00:18:23What did you say?

00:18:24I told him I was 30.

00:18:27Life's nuts now.

00:18:28You look like a prisoner of war.

00:18:30I feel like a prisoner of war.

00:18:31You fucking will be if you turn up at my dance classes again, I tell you.

00:18:35I'm sorry, Mona.

00:18:37I'll stay away.

00:18:39I need to anyway.

00:18:40Eva's starting to think I'm avoiding her.

00:18:42Why would you be avoiding her?

00:18:46Well, she's pregnant, as it happens.

00:18:51Wow.

00:18:53Congrats.

00:18:53That's quick.

00:18:55Yeah.

00:18:56What's wrong?

00:18:57You down it?

00:19:01We've been together a year.

00:19:03We barely know each other.

00:19:05I would say that's better than knowing everything about someone.

00:19:08Yeah, maybe.

00:19:09Just makes me question if it's real, you know?

00:19:12Hmm.

00:19:17Ruben is going to go rag when he finds out Eva's pregnant.

00:19:21Oh, yeah?

00:19:21Why's that?

00:19:27He's infertile.

00:19:31What?

00:19:33Well, low fertility, but it's pretty much the same thing.

00:19:37Is this why he's being so jealous?

00:19:39Yeah.

00:19:40He thinks I'm going to leave him for a man that can give me all he can.

00:19:44Wow.

00:19:45Ruben.

00:19:46Why is this so shocking?

00:19:48It's just for a man that leaves with his balls.

00:19:51That's not funny.

00:19:53No.

00:19:54Sorry.

00:20:00Have you talked about adopting?

00:20:02Once, but Ruben tore the kitchen sink off the wall.

00:20:05I don't think you realise how bad it is.

00:20:07It's like...

00:20:09He's lost his mind to the whole thing.

00:20:13He gets drunk and talks about how having a kid is God's plan for him,

00:20:18so he can break the cycle.

00:20:22What do you think he means by that?

00:20:24Christ knows.

00:20:25I just think he wants a kid he can care for because his dad didn't treat him so nice.

00:20:34But anyway, let's change the subject.

00:20:36This is depressing.

00:20:38Yeah.

00:20:39To our fucked up relationships.

00:20:41To our fucked up lives.

00:20:46Oh, I love her.

00:21:08Jesus, Niall.

00:21:15Where on earth have you been?

00:21:20I think we should do it.

00:21:25I think we should have a baby together.

00:21:49Ava's pregnant.

00:21:50Am I going to make a go of it?

00:21:51Oh, yeah.

00:21:53Is that it?

00:21:54Oh, yeah.

00:21:55I was just waiting for the caveat.

00:21:57No, there's no caveat.

00:21:58We're doing this.

00:21:59I told her last night.

00:22:00When did she get pregnant?

00:22:02We found out a week ago.

00:22:03Well, that doesn't sound very certain to me.

00:22:05Well, I was just thinking it through.

00:22:07Ava and I are still very new and it's a big thing to put at the centre of things.

00:22:10Oh.

00:22:12You can say that again.

00:22:14I mean, it's hard enough without everything else.

00:22:17Everything else is in?

00:22:18Your sexuality.

00:22:23That's over, Mum.

00:22:23I've told you this.

00:22:25Is it, though?

00:22:26I find it very convenient.

00:22:27You find your straight side the second Reuben is back in your life.

00:22:30How many times?

00:22:31It was a phase.

00:22:32It wasn't a phase, Niall.

00:22:34It was a serious problem.

00:22:35Well, then how come it stopped?

00:22:36Because you enlisted the services of a priest.

00:22:39Nobody pays that much money to get themselves out of a bloody phase.

00:22:42He wasn't a priest.

00:22:44He was a spiritual figure.

00:22:47He was a charlatan and you were a div.

00:22:55Well, it worked, didn't it?

00:22:57Oh, bollocks, did it?

00:22:59Do you really think your sexuality can be done away with a few cups of poison?

00:23:03Don't be daft, Niall.

00:23:04Jesus.

00:23:05Well, then how come I haven't done anything since then?

00:23:07Because you haven't been tested yet.

00:23:09Trust me.

00:23:09It will creep upon you in your darkest hour.

00:23:12These things always do.

00:23:13Jesus Christ, stop it, will you?

00:23:14You should be happy for me.

00:23:16I am happy, love.

00:23:18I'm just trying to make you see the full picture.

00:23:20Can you honestly look me in the eye and say you're certain you want a child?

00:23:23Yes, Mum.

00:23:24Yes, I can.

00:23:27Well, then do it.

00:23:43The thing to forget is anything the books tell you.

00:23:47Truth is, it can take a while for that bond to form, particularly for the dads.

00:23:55Excuse me.

00:23:57It's Niall, isn't it?

00:24:00Yeah.

00:24:01What did I just say?

00:24:04Uh, something to do with the dads?

00:24:07Yes.

00:24:09Very nearly a full sentence.

00:24:13Just that it is natural for the dad to take longer to connect to the baby.

00:24:19Fucking twat.

00:24:22What did I just say?

00:24:24Like I'm some school kid.

00:24:26He just wants to make sure everyone's moving at the same pace.

00:24:29He always looks at me when he makes the negative points, though.

00:24:31Well, you get off the vibe of an absent father, to be fair.

00:24:33How do I?

00:24:34Friends in the family.

00:24:35Your father was an absent father, was he not?

00:24:37He died.

00:24:38Exactly.

00:24:39You don't get much more absent than that, do you?

00:24:44Oh, Jesus, what now?

00:24:46What the fuck is he doing here?

00:25:01I just need a word.

00:25:05Everything okay?

00:25:08He'll be fine.

00:25:10Just give us a second, will you?

00:25:33The other night, dance class.

00:25:37I want to know what you saw.

00:25:41I didn't see anything.

00:25:44Was Benji there?

00:25:47Yeah, I think so.

00:25:49What happened?

00:25:52Nothing.

00:25:53They talked?

00:25:54Yeah.

00:25:54Well, then something happened, didn't it?

00:25:55Well, talk doesn't mean anything.

00:25:58Describe it.

00:26:00The interaction.

00:26:04Well, you went up at the end of the class, they hugged.

00:26:07They hugged?

00:26:08Yeah.

00:26:08They fucking hugged.

00:26:10Motherfucker!

00:26:10It's too, it's too far.

00:26:14It was a, it was like a friendly hug.

00:26:17Do it on me.

00:26:18No, I can't make sense.

00:26:19Do it on me, okay?

00:26:21I'm Mona, you're Benji.

00:26:23Do it on me.

00:26:25Come on.

00:26:27Well, it was just like...

00:26:30You might as well have sucked this cock!

00:26:32This is insane!

00:26:34No, it's not.

00:26:34Okay?

00:26:35I want you to do better here moving forward.

00:26:37I can't keep doing this.

00:26:38I can't.

00:26:39I have a life.

00:26:39What fucking life do you have?

00:26:41You're practically unemployed.

00:26:42Well, even so, I'm not going to spend it spying on your wife.

00:26:45Tough shit!

00:26:46When you get yourself a life, you can complain.

00:26:48I'm pulling you from it.

00:26:49So, you're fucking doing this, alright?

00:26:52Because I've got your fucking balls, Bambi.

00:26:54Don't forget it, yeah?

00:26:56Yeah?

00:26:57Do you understand?

00:27:00Do you understand?

00:27:01Yes.

00:27:04Good.

00:27:06Good.

00:27:07Is there anything else you need to say?

00:27:09Hmm?

00:27:13Yeah.

00:27:15Huh.

00:27:19Yeah, this pregnant.

00:27:28Huh.

00:27:31Wow.

00:27:34Wow.

00:27:37That's amazing.

00:27:40Honestly, that's, uh...

00:27:43That's amazing.

00:27:50I'm going to be an uncle.

00:27:52Hey!

00:27:55Uncle Rube.

00:27:58Hey, it's got a nice ring to it.

00:28:00Yeah?

00:28:02Yeah.

00:28:02I'll be the cunt that comes round and does the coin trick behind the ear.

00:28:04Huh?

00:28:06Yeah.

00:28:07Yeah.

00:28:08Hey, that's my trick, yeah?

00:28:09You pick fucking shagga.

00:28:11Yeah?

00:28:12I'm proud of you.

00:28:13My brother from another lover, yeah?

00:28:15Putting your fucking dick to work.

00:28:17Hey.

00:28:18Hey.

00:28:18They should put it in a museum, shouldn't they?

00:28:21Your cock on display, yeah?

00:28:22Can you imagine?

00:28:24Big fucking dick with a strong seed.

00:28:26All the people in the museum wandering around looking over her.

00:28:29I bet never in a million years would they think it was strapped to a fucking body this

00:28:34meek, yeah?

00:28:35Or a face this fucking scrawny, hey?

00:28:38I bet they thought it'd be strapped to some fucking big bison of a cunt.

00:28:42Some fucking, like, Greek muscly fucker.

00:28:45Some fucking Russian cunt, yeah?

00:28:47Yeah?

00:28:48Hey.

00:28:49Hey.

00:28:49Hey, why don't you show me it, yeah?

00:28:50Fucker, hey?

00:28:51Come on, show me, hey?

00:28:52Hey?

00:28:53No, show me.

00:28:53Show me.

00:28:54Show me, hey?

00:28:55I just want to catch a glimpse.

00:28:56Come on, mate.

00:28:57Don't.

00:28:57Get off.

00:28:58No, no.

00:28:59It's like a fucking trophy, isn't it?

00:29:00Hey?

00:29:01Hey, fucking show me.

00:29:02Yeah, come on.

00:29:03Come on now, hey?

00:29:04It's like a big fucking trophy, isn't it?

00:29:06Hey?

00:29:07Get off.

00:29:07Oh, come on, Niall, yeah?

00:29:08Yeah?

00:29:09Come on, Niall.

00:29:10Come on, it's so fucking...

00:29:11No!

00:29:12Come on, Niall.

00:29:13Get out, yeah?

00:29:14What the fuck are you doing, yeah?

00:29:15Yeah?

00:29:16No, no, no, no.

00:29:16Come on, come on, come on.

00:29:17Come on, I want to see the big fucking shagging.

00:29:19No!

00:29:19Fucking get off.

00:29:20You're pregnant in fucking peace.

00:29:22David, stop!

00:29:22You're going to do better for me moving forward, are you, yeah?

00:29:25You're going to fucking keep lying.

00:29:26You're going to fucking keep lying, are you?

00:29:28Yeah?

00:29:28Stop it!

00:29:29Yeah?

00:29:30Get off!

00:29:30Yeah?

00:29:31Go, Ben!

00:29:34What the hell's going on here?

00:29:41Nothing.

00:29:42Just messing around.

00:29:47Look, it's getting late, yeah?

00:29:48So, maybe you can come back another time.

00:30:03You big fucking shagga.

00:30:07You big shagga!

00:30:10Yeah!

00:30:13Go, Ben!

00:30:15Go, Ben!

00:30:19Go, Ben!

00:30:48Hey, mister.

00:30:49Hey.

00:30:53Where's Ruben?

00:30:55He left this morning for Aberdeen.

00:30:59He'll be offshore next week, so we'll all get a bit of peace from him.

00:31:05If you fancy some soup, I'm going to put a pot on.

00:31:08Sure. I'll just finish up here.

00:31:12No, you won't.

00:31:13You've got more important work to do.

00:31:16Follow me.

00:31:20You're probably the first person to use this.

00:31:23I was thinking you could write some of your book and remake it later.

00:31:28Here's the way if I could.

00:31:30And if you get chilly Ruben's dressing gowns on the back of the door.

00:31:34I'm excited to do some.

00:31:52Here you go.

00:31:55It's a bit hot.

00:31:56Thanks.

00:31:59Go on, then.

00:32:02Read me something.

00:32:03Oh, no, no.

00:32:04I feel self-conscious.

00:32:06Well, I'll close my eyes then.

00:32:08You can whisper to me.

00:32:20Billy looked up to Cosmo, who was everything he was not.

00:32:24He had a violent, unafraid quality.

00:32:26Like he could go off any time somehow.

00:32:29Sounds like Ruben.

00:32:35He was tall, slim, with jet black hair, and seemed to have a succession of girls throwing themselves at him

00:32:42constantly.

00:32:43All of whom he would brush off without a single care in the world.

00:32:47Apart from Carla Alice, the top girl in the whole school.

00:32:55Every boy fancied her.

00:32:57She had this rare, wispy quality, like she was unattainable somewhere.

00:33:02And Billy didn't know whether it was youth or good looks or adolescent projection on his part, but she...

00:33:14Keep going.

00:33:19She walked like fairy dust.

00:33:22I saw a brightening every corner of the school.

00:33:37Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling every inch of this book.

00:34:05It's honestly fine.

00:34:07Ruben?

00:34:08What the hell?

00:34:09I thought you were going to Aberdeen today.

00:34:11Yeah, I'm going in a minute.

00:34:13I just came round to drop these off.

00:34:16Say congratulations.

00:34:23That's it.

00:34:37Look, I wouldn't be a man if I didn't come round and say that I'm happy for you.

00:34:48You know, Ava, you're going to be a great mum.

00:34:55And Niall, you're going to be a dad.

00:35:03But I'm also coming round

00:35:07to say that I'm calling in my debts.

00:35:17Ruben, don't do this.

00:35:19What debts?

00:35:20Niall owes me 30k.

00:35:23What? I thought you paid that.

00:35:25Why are you doing this, Ruben?

00:35:26Because once you have a kid, you'll never have the money to pay me back.

00:35:30Niall, what's going on here?

00:35:34Is this because Ava's pregnant?

00:35:40What makes you say that, brother?

00:35:42I'm happy for you.

00:35:44No, it's just I know you've been trying really hard.

00:35:52She told you.

00:35:59She fucking told you.

00:36:02She fucking told you.

00:36:04Wait, wait.

00:36:04She fucking told you.

00:36:06I'll fucking kill her.

00:36:07I'll fucking kill her.

00:36:09Oh my God, Niall.

00:36:10Are you okay?

00:36:12I need to go after her.

00:36:13No, no, you don't.

00:36:14Niall, you might be concussed.

00:36:16No, I have to.

00:36:16No.

00:36:16I have to go.

00:36:18Niall, no.

00:36:18No.

00:36:19Let me go.

00:36:19Niall!

00:36:27Oh shit.

00:36:29Get your fucking shit out of my fucking house.

00:36:33I can't believe you.

00:36:34You fucking can't believe me.

00:36:35You fucking tell her my shit to me.

00:36:36Please.

00:36:37Why are you doing this?

00:36:39I told you, didn't I?

00:36:40I fucking told you.

00:36:41Let's talk about this.

00:36:42What the hell's going on?

00:36:43This is what you get.

00:36:44It's her.

00:36:45Tell her my shit to people.

00:36:46Ruben, stop.

00:36:47Shout her mouth off of people.

00:36:49Ruben, stop before someone calls the police.

00:36:50Stop it.

00:36:51That's not yours to give away.

00:36:52Do you understand?

00:36:53I fucking told you.

00:36:55Is there a problem here?

00:36:56Shut the fuck up.

00:36:57Ruben, stop.

00:36:58Shut the fuck up.

00:36:59Ruben, stop.

00:36:59You fat cunt.

00:37:00You want some?

00:37:01Yeah?

00:37:01You fat fucking cunt.

00:37:02Ruben, look at me.

00:37:03Walk away.

00:37:03Look at me.

00:37:04Walk away.

00:37:05Look at me.

00:37:05Yeah?

00:37:06What are you looking at?

00:37:06Stop it.

00:37:07Yeah, you fucking walk away.

00:37:08Hey, look at me.

00:37:09You're going to lose everything if you don't fuck off right now.

00:37:13Look at what you've built.

00:37:14Look at what you've got.

00:37:15If they call the police, you're going to lose it all

00:37:17and you're going to end up back in prison.

00:37:37Ruben, I'm sorry.

00:37:38Don't even go there.

00:37:38I'm so...

00:37:39Don't even fucking go there.

00:38:08What did you say to him?

00:38:11I'm so sorry, Mona.

00:38:12You forced it out of me.

00:38:13Are you OK?

00:38:14Are you all right?

00:38:14Look what he's done.

00:38:15I know, I know.

00:38:16I didn't really do this.

00:38:17I need to get you back inside, all right?

00:38:19Yeah.

00:38:19I'll fix this, OK?

00:38:20Come on.

00:38:22Let's go.

00:38:23Let's go.

00:38:24We'll get everything cleaned up.

00:38:52Hey.

00:38:53Hey. Hey, what's wrong?

00:38:58Fuck. It's my life.

00:39:05I know I should leave him, but I just...

00:39:11love him so much.

00:39:15I know he can't help it.

00:39:18He's killing me.

00:39:23Look, I feel like I'm betraying him here by saying this, but...

00:39:28you deserve better.

00:39:31I love Ruben, but he's lost his mind.

00:39:37He's away with the fairies now.

00:39:40In fact, even the fairies have had enough of him.

00:39:51No.

00:39:56He's lost his mind.

00:39:56In fact, he's lost his mind, but he's lost his mind.

00:40:01He's lost his mind.

00:40:01No.

00:40:02No.

00:40:11No.

00:40:18No.

00:40:21No.

00:40:36Oh, my God.

00:40:52Oh, my God.

00:41:22Oh, my God.

00:41:23Jesus Christ.

00:41:25Are you okay?

00:41:28I'm sorry.

00:41:30I'm sorry.

00:41:32I'm sorry.

00:41:34I'm really, really sorry.

00:41:39What happened with the money, Niall?

00:41:41I can't say.

00:41:41Yes, you can.

00:41:43That was my dad's money.

00:41:45I need to know what you spent it on.

00:41:53Niall, what did you spend it on?

00:41:56I did these courses.

00:41:58I did these...

00:42:02Straightening me out type courses.

00:42:06What?

00:42:09That's not okay, Niall.

00:42:17What did they do?

00:42:31I drank stuff.

00:42:34Looked at images, threw up a bit.

00:42:38You spent 30k on this.

00:42:40No.

00:42:42No, he asked for the right debit and then he emptied my account.

00:42:47Oh, Jesus.

00:42:52Oh, Niall.

00:42:55Why can't you just be happy with that side of yourself?

00:42:58It's the 21st century.

00:42:59Nobody cares anymore.

00:43:01It doesn't make me feel any better.

00:43:03I mean, the fact that the world is progressing only answer the problem because not only am I ashamed.

00:43:09Bloody irrational, too.

00:43:11I get that.

00:43:12But when you told me, I said it didn't matter.

00:43:15As long as it didn't interfere with our relationship.

00:43:19Besides, everyone who matters knows.

00:43:22Your mum knows.

00:43:23I know.

00:43:26Christ, from what I understand, every truck driver in Glasgow knows.

00:43:32I don't see why it's a problem.

00:43:34Because I don't know.

00:43:40You need to get some help.

00:43:43Some proper help.

00:43:46Because I don't have it in me to fix someone who won't show me their part.

00:43:50I will.

00:43:55I don't know where to start.

00:44:01Start with the biggest thing.

00:44:05And we're back from there.

00:44:15Yeah.

00:44:24Well, look.

00:44:25I just wanted to pop round and see how you were, really.

00:44:28Yeah, fine, I suppose.

00:44:31It was a...

00:44:34A moment of madness, but...

00:44:36I don't think we should get worked up over it or...

00:44:39Punish ourselves.

00:44:41Yeah, I agree.

00:44:53Sorry.

00:44:54Are you feeling, like...

00:44:56OK about it?

00:45:00I don't know how to feel, if I'm honest.

00:45:02I haven't allowed any emotion and I'm good that way.

00:45:05Yeah, but this is pretty big, Mona.

00:45:08You slept with his brother.

00:45:10On his kitchen floor.

00:45:11The floor he tiled.

00:45:14Yeah, I know.

00:45:15I was there, Nile.

00:45:19Sorry, Mona.

00:45:20Is everything all right?

00:45:22You've been a bit...

00:45:23Cold.

00:45:24I'm just compartmentalising.

00:45:27It's how I cope.

00:45:28Yeah, I get that.

00:45:29But with his brother, Mona.

00:45:30Oh, please.

00:45:31Are you really trying to get me to realise my guilt here, Nile?

00:45:35You are the brother.

00:45:36Yeah, no, I know that.

00:45:37I just...

00:45:41Look, can you not do that, please?

00:45:44Jesus, Mona.

00:45:47Why are you being so chill about this?

00:45:54If you must know...

00:45:57I've been here before.

00:46:03What, on Reuben?

00:46:06This is the first time I've had sex behind this back.

00:46:12Wait, are we talking about Benji here?

00:46:15That twat with the moustache?

00:46:18It doesn't matter who it was.

00:46:19Oh, my God.

00:46:20It is him, isn't it?

00:46:23So, all of Reuben's suspicion around this, it's justified?

00:46:25It's not justified, Nile.

00:46:27There's no excuse to treat me the way he has,

00:46:29regardless of what I've done.

00:46:30You've fucking driven him insane!

00:46:31He pushed me there!

00:46:32Oh, really?

00:46:32Did he push your hand on his cock as well?

00:46:45Do you know what, Nile?

00:46:47I don't think this has anything to do with Reuben or anything like that.

00:46:52This has to do with the fact you've realised you're not as special as you thought you were.

00:47:01Then nip out, will you?

00:47:03I need to get my glam on.

00:47:04We can talk about this another time.

00:47:13Newborns get very cold.

00:47:15So, the first thing to do is minimise the amount of time that they're undressed.

00:47:20The best thing to do is...

00:47:22Oh, mayday, mayday.

00:47:25We have a fully clothed baby drowning.

00:47:28Nile Kennedy.

00:47:30You have the right to remain silent.

00:47:31Anything you do, say...

00:47:33No, why don't you fuck off?

00:47:49Okay, so the best thing to do...

00:47:52What was that?

00:47:53He's a prick.

00:47:54Go back and apologise.

00:47:55There's no chance.

00:47:56He should be apologising to me.

00:47:57I pay the man.

00:47:57He has no right to talk to me the way he does.

00:47:59Well, I pay you.

00:48:00So I can talk to you the way I want then.

00:48:02You're a disgrace, Nile Kennedy.

00:48:04A child in man's clothing.

00:48:05Yeah, yeah.

00:48:06You can shout with me tomorrow.

00:48:07I'm shouting at you now.

00:48:10I'm staying at my sister's.

00:48:12So you can bloody think about what you've done here.

00:48:14Because you don't get to steal my money and fuck up these classes as well.

00:48:18And trust me, if you do it again, your visits will be supervised.

00:48:28Last fucking chance.

00:48:29Ok, I need you.

00:48:36Yo, it's Reven.

00:48:38Leave a.

00:48:42Ô wanna.

00:48:43It's Reven.

00:48:44Leave a message.

00:48:47Ô wanna.

00:48:57Leave a message.

00:48:59Yeah, but I found out some information on Benji, and I tell you what, I'm coming to Aberdeen.

00:49:11Hi. Yeah, hi. I'm wondering if I could speak to Reuben Pallister.

00:49:16I'm his brother, and I really need to get in touch with him somehow.

00:49:22Reuben Pallister?

00:49:23Yeah.

00:49:25Never heard of him.

00:49:27Oh, yeah. He's a rigger here, but he comes in here for payroll stuff every now and again.

00:49:33I don't know, but I mean, he definitely works here.

00:49:38Here, Bill, do you know of Reuben Pallister?

00:49:43Oh, Pally? Is that who you mean?

00:49:46Yeah.

00:49:48Yeah, I remember him. He got let go of ages ago.

00:49:51What?

00:49:52What?

00:49:54No, no, no, but that can't be, because, I mean, he's... I mean, he's offshore right now, no?

00:50:00I can check for you.

00:50:09Nope, no Reuben Pallister here.

00:50:14Right, uh, well, do you know where I might be able to find him?

00:50:20I mean, I think he's staying with an old colleague here. A guy called Roy?

00:50:25Okay, uh, well, do you have his address?

00:50:30Yes.

00:50:30Let's do this.

00:51:08Ribbon! Ribbon, Ribbon, wait!

00:51:33Ribbon!

00:51:34Ribbon!

00:51:38Ribbon!

00:51:39Talk to me.

00:51:42And they're telling me you've been sacked.

00:51:44Well, if that's what they're saying.

00:51:49How long ago was this?

00:51:51About a year ago.

00:51:54A year?

00:51:57But you're up here all the time.

00:51:59Yeah, well, I had to keep up the pretense while I figured out what to do.

00:52:03Yeah.

00:52:04That's why my phone's been off as well.

00:52:07Jesus, Ribbon.

00:52:10What happened?

00:52:12Nothing.

00:52:13It was HR bullshit.

00:52:15My fucking supervisor was pressing me and I lashed out.

00:52:18Wasn't even that bad.

00:52:19Oh, yeah?

00:52:20Yeah.

00:52:21Just put him up against the wall, threatened to kill his family.

00:52:27I was gone within a week.

00:52:31I don't understand a year ago you were lending me money.

00:52:34Yeah, well, I maxed out a ton of credit cards keeping it up.

00:52:39What?

00:52:41You did that for me?

00:52:42I did that for everyone.

00:52:48Why?

00:52:54Because I liked it.

00:52:57I liked being the provider.

00:53:01I knew my place in the world.

00:53:06So that's why you've been asking for a while back?

00:53:12I can't keep doing this though.

00:53:14You need to declare bankruptcy.

00:53:15Oh, fuck that.

00:53:16Men don't declare bankruptcy.

00:53:17Don't be ridiculous.

00:53:18I just need to find a new job.

00:53:21It's hard.

00:53:24Prison sentence and all that.

00:53:31I mean, come on.

00:53:33What kind of man would I be?

00:53:36If on top of not being able to give her kids,

00:53:39I couldn't pay the mortgage as well.

00:53:45And you know the worst part about all this?

00:53:49You were totally right.

00:53:53You said back in that hospital that I'd fuck it up.

00:53:56And I did.

00:53:59So you can have your popcorn now.

00:54:02Hope it tastes sweet.

00:54:05No, it doesn't, Riven.

00:54:07I can assure you that.

00:54:15She can't find out, son.

00:54:22She can't find out.

00:54:24I've proven you surely can't do this forever.

00:54:26She's not worth this.

00:54:27She's not worth a lifetime of debt.

00:54:29She is, mate.

00:54:31She's worth that and more.

00:54:33And everything in between.

00:54:34It's fine.

00:54:34Listen to me.

00:54:37All right.

00:54:39I'm begging you.

00:54:41Don't say a word.

00:54:42Not to her.

00:54:43Not to anyone.

00:54:46Look, please, brother.

00:54:51Do this for me.

00:55:20You won't tell anyone, will you?

00:55:25No.

00:55:27Of course.

00:55:32For all that we've been through,

00:55:36I still trust you more than anyone.

00:55:48No.

00:55:49No.

00:56:01No.

00:56:16No.

00:56:17No.

00:56:17Oh

00:57:08Hey honey

00:57:13Come on

00:57:31What's your excuse this time

00:57:45I was with a male prostitute

00:57:52How

00:57:59Any good

00:58:03No

00:58:06Not really

00:58:07I couldn't relax

00:58:17Did you come

00:58:21Yeah but I

00:58:24You know

00:58:28Wasn't relaxed

00:58:35I can't even

00:58:36I can't even

00:58:37I can't even

00:59:00I can't even

00:59:04I can't even

00:59:24What is it?

00:59:35Can we sit down?

00:59:37I need to talk to you about something.

00:59:38It's late.

00:59:43Let's go in here.

01:00:10You know something.

01:00:13What do you mean?

01:00:14You know something.

01:00:17I turned on my phone.

01:00:21Got your voicemail.

01:00:25Something happened when I was gone.

01:00:28Something to do with Benji.

01:00:32Oh, no.

01:00:33I got the wrong end of the stick.

01:00:43You know I have other means again now, are you?

01:00:49It's in your head.

01:00:52I swear.

01:00:57No.

01:00:59Someone's changed her.

01:01:03I can feel it in the space between us.

01:01:06She's off somehow.

01:01:12There's no proof, Ruben.

01:01:16I went back home before I came here.

01:01:24I found my dressing gown on the floor of my office.

01:01:31And smelled of someone else, huh?

01:01:34I couldn't place her.

01:01:51I don't know the extent of it.

01:01:53Motherfucker!

01:01:54Wait.

01:01:54I didn't say anything.

01:01:55Ruben, you didn't let me finish.

01:01:57I didn't need to.

01:01:58Great fucking love.

01:01:59Ruben!

01:02:00Ruben, wait!

01:02:07The address.

01:02:08I need the fucking address.

01:02:09What? What's your address?

01:02:10Fucking Benji.

01:02:11Ruben's on his way there now.

01:02:12Oh, my God.

01:02:13Oh, my God.

01:02:13Okay.

01:02:14It's Blanchard Street 16.

01:02:16Okay.

01:02:17Fuck!

01:02:29And I have no...

01:02:36Uh...

01:02:43Oh...

01:02:44Oh...

01:02:46Oh...

01:02:48Oh, my God...

01:02:51Oh...

01:02:52Hmm.

01:02:54Oh...

01:02:55You, you too.

01:02:56Oh, my gosh.

01:03:24Oh, my God.

01:03:27Oh, my God.

01:04:02Oh, my God.

01:04:27Oh, my God.

01:05:05Oh, my God.

Half Man 2026 Episode 5 | English Sub

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