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Have I Got News for You - Season 71 Episode 4 -
Sue Perkins, Finlay Christie, Camilla Long
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
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Sue Perkins, Finlay Christie, Camilla Long
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
#film#shows#usa#usashows#hot#filmhot
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FunTranscript
00:28I'll be right back.
00:36Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Sue Perkins. In the news this week,
00:42relieved at surviving yet another humiliating week,
00:45Keir Starmer thanks the Cabinet for their enthusiastic support.
00:56As queues build at petrol station in Worthing,
00:59the owners deployed Terence to ensure only those who are really desperate
01:03will stop for fuel.
01:13And in Islington, outside a female friend's house,
01:17Boris Johnson is warned that Carrie's come to see what's taking him so long
01:20to walk the dog.
01:22BUZZER
01:26Audience team tonight is a stand-up who makes comedy videos on YouTube
01:30and TikTok.
01:31So tonight, we'd really like to thank him for making himself available
01:34to a much, much smaller audience here on primetime television.
01:39Please welcome the wonderful Findlay Christie.
01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46And on Paul's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist who recently said,
01:51Just because we trust the BBC, it doesn't mean it can't be biased.
01:55Now, that sounds pretty critical.
01:57But don't worry, we'll change those words around in the edit.
02:00Please welcome Camilla Long.
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:07We begin with the bigger news stories this week.
02:09Ian and Findlay, here is yours for a start at.
02:13Keir Starmer looking for someone to blame.
02:16Civil servant refusing to answer questions.
02:19Oh, look.
02:19And two things that need vetting.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:24Yes, this is the news that the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer,
02:27has survived the crisis over his appointment to Peter Mandelson
02:29as US ambassador and now will not have to resign
02:32until after the elections in a fortnight.
02:36So he blamed the civil servant and the civil servant blamed him?
02:40And they both blamed number 10, which is, like, where Keir lives.
02:45Which is, like, blame number 11.
02:47Yeah.
02:48It was next door. It wasn't me, it was the neighbours.
02:51Yeah, and no-one likes her.
02:52Yeah, no, yeah.
02:55Yeah.
02:55Regarding Mandelson's vetting,
02:57what was Morgan McSweeney's suggestion to the Foreign Office?
03:00Well, it involves an explosive.
03:02It does. Could you say it?
03:03No. Why not?
03:04Give it in mime.
03:09Wasn't it just effing do it?
03:11But what's the word?
03:12Yeah, what's the word, Ian?
03:13F...
03:14F... F...
03:15Sounds like...
03:16Sounds like...
03:17For fuck's sake, make up your mind.
03:20I've been here all night, the way that is.
03:24I've been here all night.
03:24This was a series of performances, really,
03:27by people trying to get away with the fact that
03:30they did appoint Keir Starmer.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:34Who has Starmer hurled with great force under a bus?
03:38Olly Robbins.
03:39This is the permanent under-secretary to the Foreign Office.
03:42Not that permanent.
03:43Ironic, yeah.
03:44And his excuse was,
03:46I approved the appointment of Peter Mandelson
03:49because I was being bullied...
03:51..by Keir Starmer.
03:53Imagine being bullied by Keir Starmer.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Yeah, exactly that.
03:58Keir Starmer claims to be furious that Olly Robbins didn't tell him
04:01Peter Mandelson had failed the security vetting.
04:04He should have known since 1998 that there might be a problem.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09It's a bit much, isn't it, really, to kind of say,
04:11all these people didn't tell me there was a problem,
04:13when he's been told at least three times on the front pages
04:16of the newspaper that it's a problem over the last 26, 28 years.
04:21So...
04:21I don't think that the Prime Minister should keep up with current affairs.
04:24Mm.
04:25Which is pretty clearly not happening.
04:28I mean, I don't even think that Keir Starmer appointed Peter Mandelson.
04:32Peter Mandelson appointed himself, didn't he?
04:34I mean, I don't think Keir Starmer's evolved at any point.
04:38I think you're right.
04:39I think there was a higher authority who appointed him.
04:41Yeah.
04:41Mr Epstein.
04:42Yes.
04:43The procedure should be really obvious.
04:45Name, Mandelson, no.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49The Prince of Darkness.
04:50That was a giveaway, the name.
04:51I feel like he started that nickname.
04:54It's like, have you heard they're calling me the Prince of Darkness?
04:56You're crazy.
04:56Anyway, do you want a new passport?
04:58LAUGHTER
05:00In many ways, wasn't Mandelson the perfect candidate to be US ambassador?
05:05Well, that's what they said, wasn't it?
05:07We were told many times, were we not, that he was exactly the sort of,
05:11you know, creepy arsehole who needed to go over there to tunnel his way
05:16up a load of other...
05:18Anyway, um...
05:19LAUGHTER
05:22And they thought he was perfect for it.
05:24And do you know what?
05:25When you put it like that, I think he probably was.
05:27Oh.
05:28Under pressure to convince the House of Commons that he hadn't misled MPs
05:31when he said due process had been followed,
05:33the Prime Minister said this.
05:35Mr Speaker, I know many members across the House
05:39will find these facts to be incredible.
05:47He got a bigger laugh than we did.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51But Olly Robbins' conduct wasn't entirely without fault,
05:54according to Emily Thornberry.
05:56What did she accuse him of doing?
05:57I mean, she repeated the expletive, didn't she?
06:00She did.
06:01Which expletive was that him?
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05She said that he'd not told the select committee the whole truth
06:08when he'd last been there, and she did it in this way.
06:11You clearly told us the truth, but you only told us part of the truth.
06:14And, um, it's a little bit like, you know, saying,
06:18I had to run to work today, but not saying that you were chased by a bear.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:27Meanwhile, during the House of Commons, uh, debate,
06:29uh, Reform's Bobby Jenrick really made an impression on the MP sitting behind him.
06:34But why is it that he only ever seems to get angry
06:36when he's trying to save his own skin?
06:39Yes.
06:39Is he not angry about the 600 men who crossed the English Channel
06:42on small boats on Saturday?
06:44Oh, give up, eh?
06:44Is he not angry about the people who are queuing up to queue at the forecourt?
06:49LAUGHTER
06:53I think that should be the go-to response
06:55any time somebody mentions Robert Jenrick.
06:58LAUGHTER
07:00It's been reported that Ollie Robbins could be due a payout of...
07:0385 million.
07:04£340,000.
07:05£340,000, that's not bad, is it?
07:06Not bad.
07:07Yeah, it's all right.
07:07Who is footing the bill for all...
07:09We are.
07:10We are.
07:10How is it divided between us?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:15I'm not even being paid for this now.
07:19Surely you're on a student loan school.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23On Friday, a secret meeting took place.
07:26Who met?
07:27Is this Angela Rayner and...
07:30Andy Burnham.
07:30Andy Burnham.
07:31All the people who want Keir's job.
07:33God, why?
07:35Even Keir doesn't want Keir's job.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38Then why is he staying in his job?
07:40I don't know, because Peter Mandelson told him to.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:45So, yeah, Andy Burnham snuck round to Angela Rayner's home.
07:49I'm not sure which home, but one of the homes.
07:51One of the homes.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53The Sun showed this picture of Andy Burnham arriving,
07:57seemingly capturing him in the form of an oil painting.
08:02Either Andy Burnham or the girl with a pearl earring
08:04has just gone to Specsavers.
08:06He appears to be wearing some sort of bonnet.
08:11What has senior Labour MP Sarah Champion had to say
08:14about the week's shenanigans?
08:16It's sick.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:18She said,
08:19People don't like Keir on the door,
08:21but it's not over this Mandelson thing.
08:22Good news.
08:23Yeah.
08:24She went on.
08:25They don't like him personally.
08:29Finally, in Turkey, Orhan Avca has just been elected
08:33district chairman of the Khuzur party.
08:36He's become an immediate social media hit.
08:38Let's see if we can spot why.
08:44Wow.
08:45Has anyone seen my kitten?
08:48You got the wrong hair transplant.
08:53Well, that's turkey for you.
08:57He was approached for a comment, but quite simply couldn't give one.
09:04This is the Prime Minister's ongoing problems with Peter Mandelson.
09:08Reform UK's Lee Anderson was ejected from the Commons
09:11for calling Keir Starmer a liar, adding,
09:13that man couldn't lie straight in bed.
09:16Unlike Mandelson, who has to lie straight.
09:18Otherwise, he wouldn't fit in his coffin.
09:23When Peter Mandelson was sacked, he was given a £75,000 payoff.
09:28Great.
09:29He can finally buy some trousers.
09:35Paul and Camilla, here's yours.
09:37Yes.
09:37She's back!
09:40LAUGHTER
09:40Yay!
09:42Um, you can just fuck off, will you?
09:44Just get out of here.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47I understand.
09:48Um, that's, I don't know, that's Charlton Athletic.
09:50Uh, and there's, uh, anyway, I can't...
09:52Look, I'll just leave it, just leave it.
09:55Just leave it, will you?
09:58So, what occasion?
09:59100th anniversary of the Queen's birth.
10:01Exactly that, yes.
10:03And it was solemnly marked with this post.
10:06Mm.
10:06Here it is.
10:08On the 100th anniversary of her birth, we still miss her.
10:12But it was her fault.
10:13Grim Reaper.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:16If she'd made it to 100, would she have to have
10:18write herself a letter?
10:20It wasn't even a letter.
10:21My nan got one, she was very disappointed.
10:23Mm.
10:23Yeah, it was just, like, inkjet printed with a sort of photocopied...
10:27It wasn't a wet signature, it was a...
10:28Yeah.
10:29You know, she died of boredom shortly afterwards.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33Genuinely, she'd been holding out for that.
10:34She's out, it's shit, innit?
10:36LAUGHTER
10:39Am I the only person who thinks it's a little bit strange
10:42to celebrate her birthday every year now, even though she's dead?
10:47There was that strange moment when the body had been taken to
10:50Buckingham Palace and the, uh, news people were saying, um,
10:52she's just spent her last night in Buckingham Palace.
10:55Mm.
10:55But she was dead.
10:56Yeah.
10:57Yeah, very strange.
10:58What limited-edition souvenir of this solemn centenary
11:03is now available for just £289?
11:07Oh, I know what it is, it's a bear dressed up as the Queen.
11:09It's a Queen teddy bear.
11:11I knew I'd ordered it.
11:12Yeah.
11:13So, here it is, this is what you get, there it is.
11:15Who might be interested in this?
11:17Someone who's got a collection of teddies, Riff.
11:19Oh, Prince Andrew.
11:20Charles Brandriff.
11:20That's Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
11:22Windsor, of course.
11:23Oh, not Charles Brandriff.
11:24According to the German news outlet, Bilt, his current collection
11:27of more than 60 teddies is in storage for...
11:33..practical reasons.
11:35I think for their own safety.
11:38And he's only been joined to date by his solitary cuddly monkey.
11:44That is no way to talk about Sarah Ferguson.
11:46That is no way to talk about Sarah Ferguson.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48Who is in room 101?
11:51Fergie.
11:52Mm.
11:52She's been finally spotted.
11:54They tracked her down to an Austrian chalet.
11:57Mm.
11:58And nobody knows how she's funding this.
12:01No, it's £2,000 a night.
12:02It's a lot.
12:02Yeah.
12:03I mean, the things that Fergie does to raise money,
12:05she would literally do anything.
12:08Erm...
12:08That's probably how she's getting the £2,000 a night.
12:10Yes.
12:12What TV show might she be appearing on?
12:14Is it Crimewatch?
12:17LAUGHTER
12:18It should be Crimewatch.
12:20Love Island, but it's a different island.
12:21It's...
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23Oh, no, I know what this is.
12:25Is she going to do some kind of Netflix tell-all or something like that?
12:28Is that it?
12:28It's sort of, yes.
12:29It's a documentary about her relationship with Epstein.
12:32Ah. Yes.
12:33Oh, you'd watch.
12:35Yeah.
12:37Where have Harry and Meghan been?
12:39Australia.
12:39Yes, they have, indeed.
12:41Do you know what they've been doing there?
12:43Walking around.
12:43Yeah.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45Boosting the brand.
12:47According to one Melbourne professor,
12:48the Harry and Meghan brand has two arms.
12:51Charity work and commercial endeavours.
12:55One arm just much, much, much longer than the other.
12:59LAUGHTER
12:59All trailing massive arm.
13:01Scooping up money.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04And the other one holding out sucker to the poor.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:20The plus obviously followed the pair of them everywhere,
13:23which was bad news for one beach-goer who'd picked a very nice quiet spot.
13:35What did she host last weekend, Meghan?
13:37Oh, was it a sort of weird, Gwyneth Paltrow-style symposium?
13:41Yes.
13:42Yes.
13:42Yeah, it was...
13:43It was about £2,000, wasn't it?
13:45£1,700, if you get the VIP experience.
13:47Your money bought you a powerful women's coaching session,
13:50yoga, meditation and manifestation, sound-feeling,
13:53in-person conversation with Meghan Duchess of Sussex.
13:56Plus a gala dinner, including all alcohol.
14:00And you would need all...
14:05..all alcohol.
14:06On the menu was kingfish tostada, there was a vanilla burrata
14:10and riverina tenderloin.
14:13Didn't you go to school with riverina tenderloin?
14:17Now, for important reasons of balance, we should also point out
14:20that Prince William is also a shameless grifter.
14:27Where does his money come from?
14:29Duchy of Cornwall.
14:30And that includes what kind of institution
14:31within the portfolio of properties?
14:33Dartmoor Prison.
14:34Exactly right.
14:35Which is empty.
14:36Empty for 20 months now.
14:38And do you know how much he's received in rent?
14:39Over a billion pounds.
14:41I don't know.
14:42£2.5 million.
14:44And he's refusing to say how much he's paid in tax.
14:47The prison has been described as rat-infested and abandoned.
14:51And perfect for Uncle Andrew.
14:55LAUGHTER
15:00This is the party for members of the public at Buckingham Palace
15:04to celebrate what would have been the Queen's 100th birthday.
15:08It's emerged that days before the Queen died,
15:10she met with her horse-racing advisor, John Warren,
15:13to discuss a breeding programme.
15:14John recalled after Her Majesty died,
15:17I took the mating plan to the King and Queen.
15:20Camilla was fluttered but said she didn't think her back was up to it.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:27Prince William earned £2.5 million from renting out Dartmoor Prison,
15:31despite a recent survey revealing it contains radioactive gas
15:35leaking from rocks containing high levels of uranium.
15:38And we are just hearing that Donald Trump has launched a full-scale invasion of devils.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:45So we marched around to the picture spin quiz.
15:49Fingers on buzzers.
15:50Teams, your finger isn't even on the buzzer, Ian.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:54Do you think it's telepathy that's going to draw you into the next round?
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58You'd think, after all these years, I've twigged.
16:01BUZZER
16:01Oh!
16:07Is it that Robot Marathon?
16:10Yes, well done.
16:11The Robot Half Marathon, in fact, not a full marathon,
16:14it was held in Beijing, and this year, the big news was...
16:18They were faster than humans.
16:20The winning time was 50 minutes and 26 seconds, yes.
16:24That beats the fastest human time by six minutes.
16:28Let's have a look at the winner of this half marathon.
16:30Yes.
16:30Right, this is a robot called Lightning, crossing the line.
16:34BUZZER
16:39BUZZER
16:40He looks like a 19th-century highwayman.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:46So why wearing the Centrillion sort of boater?
16:50LAUGHTER
16:51Mind you, look at the crowds that have gathered to watch it.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:57Do you welcome your robotic overlords?
17:00Er, 0-1-0-0-1-0.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:02It would be terrible when we have to live with them,
17:05and then they go round the office being like,
17:06I'm doing a sponsored marathon.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Just to reassure ourselves that the robot revolution isn't quite here yet,
17:13there were plenty of rubbish ones too.
17:15Mm.
17:17LAUGHTER
17:36I don't know why we're all laughing, this is exactly how we'd all run marathons.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:42This is the news that a robot has beaten the human half marathon record,
17:46although the good news for humanity is that the robot was later disqualified
17:50after testing positive for WD-40.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55Time now for the odd one-out round.
17:57Just one between you this week.
17:59An art exhibition in Bruges.
18:01Dinner on the USS Abram Lincoln, a Highland cow and June from Kent sausage roll.
18:07Something to do with meat.
18:09The dinner on the USS Abram, there was barely any meat in the meals.
18:12Small portions. Small portions.
18:14Right. Yeah, the Highland cow apparently hasn't got enough meat on it.
18:19That gallery, it looks like there's loads of sausages or meat hanging up at the back.
18:23Maybe there was too much meat.
18:25And what about the roll?
18:26Well, the roll presumably didn't have enough meat as well.
18:29What, so you're saying there's not enough meat on any of them except the art gallery?
18:32Except there was too much meat.
18:34It is about food.
18:35I would say...
18:36LAUGHTER
18:39That's not very near then, is it?
18:41The sausage roll's got no meat in it, clearly.
18:44And everything else has meat involved in it, apart from the sausage rolls.
18:47The sausage rolls is the odd one out.
18:48I think you need to sort of...
18:49The meat fixation can take a back seat.
18:52They've all proved impossible to resist,
18:55apart from the dinner on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
18:59To boost morale in the months before the war, Pete Hegseth spent $9 million
19:05just on crab's legs and lobster.
19:07Stocks, however, have run a little low now,
19:09and so marines are currently eating this.
19:12Oh!
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14Well, that's clearly part of a shoe.
19:16Yeah.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18Is the fork part of the dinner, or is that an implement?
19:20I think that's where they get their iron from.
19:22Oh, yes.
19:23Of course, there is a vegetarian option.
19:26Carrots.
19:28Still, those guys at least have got Mexican night to look forward to.
19:34The Highland cows, who finds them irresistible?
19:38Oh, tourists, I have read this.
19:40Oh, yes, they can't stop photographing them.
19:42Yes, Peak District farmer Andy Birch has complained that his herd
19:44of Highland cows are constantly being pestered by influencers.
19:48Feeding, hugging and petting the cows.
19:51Yeah, they're all over TikTok, Highland cows.
19:54Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, it's cottagecore.
19:55Yes.
19:56So, it's like taking pictures of cows and being like,
19:58oh, it's kind of my countryside cottagecore, you know, dream.
20:03What's Andy doing to stop the influencers?
20:05It's putting them in a different bit, isn't it?
20:07Moving the cows on.
20:08Field.
20:09Yeah.
20:11Yes.
20:14I'm pretty cottagecore, too.
20:18It meant something else in my day, cottagecore.
20:24Has he tried to make them more ugly in some way so people won't take pictures of them?
20:28Yes, what he's done is outbreed his cows' good looks by crossing them with a less photogenic
20:33breed.
20:34No.
20:34It's a real long game, that, isn't it?
20:36It's real.
20:37Who couldn't resist a bite of June from Kent sausage roll?
20:41It would be a seagull or something.
20:42Yeah, it's a red kite.
20:44So, when this picture of the red kite holding a sausage roll recently appeared online,
20:50John Oxenham immediately recognised it as one of his mother-in-law, June's.
20:57Why was he so sure that the kite had one of June's sausage rolls?
21:00It died shortly after.
21:04I was in the country once and there was a bird flying up high and my wife,
21:07Suki, we were talking to the sort of landlady of the pub and she said,
21:09look at that bird up there.
21:10She said, I think it's a kite.
21:11And the landlady said, no, no, I think it's a real bird.
21:16Well, John said, you can see it with my mother's sausage roll,
21:19because they're pale in colour.
21:21Do you reckon you can spot June's sausage roll in a line-up?
21:24Absolutely, 100%.
21:25I knew you were the man at this.
21:27Let's have a look.
21:28Which one is it?
21:31No, I can't tell from that.
21:34According to RSPB Scotland, the red kite usually feeds on roadkill and worms,
21:39but when they're not available, it will lower itself to eating
21:43one of June's sausage rolls.
21:45Poor June.
21:47Finally, what is it about the art exhibition in Bruges that was
21:50impossible to resist?
21:51And did people eat the exhibits?
21:53They did eat the exhibits.
21:54It was made entirely of sausages.
21:56The sausages were made using the cheapest offcuts from pig,
21:59which was then mounted on a wall.
22:01And that's the last thing the art world needs.
22:03More stuck-up arseholes.
22:11They've all proved it possible to resist, apart from dinner on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
22:17There have been complaints from American troops about tasteless and unappetising food being served.
22:22Sources on board would have improved things no end.
22:29It's time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
22:34Silly Now and Then, the top magazine in the aisles of Silly.
22:38I actually know the editor rather well, William, or as he's known, Silly Billy.
22:43And we're going to start with German man receives complaint from neighbour for what too loudly?
22:52Following orders.
22:57You see, it's a generational thing.
22:59He just can't let the wall lie.
23:02Well, I was going to say marching into Poland, but I won't say that.
23:06I won't say it.
23:08It's actually German man receives complaint from neighbour
23:10the shopper for pounding his schnitzel.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:21He now faces a long sentence, as the word for that offence in German is...
23:32Next, the shopper who bought what online disappointed to receive what instead?
23:40The shopper who bought fast food online disappointed to receive one of June's sausage rolls.
23:46Poor June.
23:47It's actually shopper who bought perfume online disappointed to receive horse urine.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Yeah, but dab it behind your ears and you'll be followed by a horse all day.
23:58Another risk of purchase online is, of course, a ladder.
24:00A ladder.
24:00When they fail, they fail catastrophically, said Peter Bennett,
24:06who is the ladder association's executive director.
24:09So, pretty high up.
24:12Next, silly man fondly reminisces about the time he what?
24:18He caught the eye of a girl with golden hair and a winning smile as she swept past him on
24:22a zip wire
24:22one fine January morning in 1978.
24:27Never forgotten it.
24:30This is a hard one, I'll give you.
24:32Yeah, go on, then.
24:32Silly man fondly reminisces about the time he found a big piece of wood and took it home.
24:39Guest checking in at hotel, surprised to find what?
24:43Lenny Henry in the bedroom.
24:47It's guest checking in at hotel, surprised to find a 13-foot crocodile at reception desk.
24:55And here is the crocodile at the hotel in Zimbabwe.
25:11Why on earth are they filming and chatting and not running away?
25:16The dangerous predator appeared at the hotel reception desk but did not gain access to any
25:22guest rooms as it wasn't a travel lodge.
25:28I'll give you that.
25:28Salmon on cocaine, what?
25:31Joins Oasis.
25:33Swims faster and further than non-coke salmon.
25:37I'll give you that, yes.
25:38It is right.
25:38Yeah.
25:39Salmon on cocaine, swim twice as far as normal.
25:43Yeah.
25:43This is extraordinary.
25:44Really?
25:44Yeah, the last mile isn't actually even water, they just whoosh.
25:49According to scientists, 80,000 lines of cocaine
25:54pollute the Thames each day.
25:56In fact, the Thames is so full of coke that when the tide goes out,
25:59it doesn't come back until seven in the morning.
26:03That's so good.
26:04Lastly, all my life I've had jokes made about my name, says Andy what?
26:10Burnham.
26:13No, it's Mountbatten, Windsor.
26:16I know this, yeah, it's my cock.
26:19It is absolutely, and this is genuinely, genuinely true.
26:24His mother is called Pat.
26:25No.
26:26And his brother...
26:29His brother...
26:32And his brother is called Paul.
26:37I had to change my name because of equity.
26:42Let's have a big hand.
26:43Go on, then.
26:44No, go on.
26:45Yeah, go on, then.
26:46Give a big hand for my cock.
26:49That's what I've stopped myself saying to you.
26:51I've stopped myself saying that, and you've got the laugh I could have had.
26:54Oh, no.
26:55I could have put that laugh in the bank.
26:57So, final scores are...
27:00Ian and Finlay have three.
27:01Oh, it's humiliating.
27:02And Paul and Camilla have eight points.
27:04Well done.
27:07But before we go, it's just time for the captioning competition.
27:11Paul and Camilla have this.
27:14Mickey Mouse officially opens disappointing new attraction at Disney World.
27:22Ian and Finlay, get that.
27:25Oh, this is David Attenborough's first documentary.
27:29And here's a bonus for all of you.
27:31OK, I've said it before and I'll say it again.
27:33These incontinence pads are useless.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:40On which note, we say thank you to our palace, Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie,
27:44Paul Merton and Camilla Long.
27:45And I leave you with news that, after leaving Mission Impossible behind him,
27:50Tom Cruise is determined to keep up his high-octane lifestyle by taking up a new hobby.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:59In Washington, there's excitement at one eating establishment,
28:02as the kids' meal includes a cheeseburger and fries.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:10And on Martha's Vineyard, Rupert Murdoch belies his age as he enjoys a day out at the beach with his
28:16family.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:21Good night.
28:35If you've ever wondered why mini-gherkins are now harder to find than ever,
28:38the news quiz is the one for you on Sounds.
28:41Next night on BBC One, how do you think a double date will play out for Connor and Jock?
28:45Stay with me for the hilarious Young Offenders.
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