- 2 days ago
Taskmaster (AU) - Season 5 Episode 2 -
TBA
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TBA
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
#film#shows#usa#usashows#hot#filmhot
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FunTranscript
00:03Oh
00:24You're gonna be like this today, are you?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41The game is simple.
00:43Five comedians do some shit at my behest in front of a virginal man with a whistle.
00:48One of them will get a trophy of my head and one of them will be executed in the car
00:53park.
00:54Ah, that won't be part of the show.
00:56I just assume from looking at Brett Blake that he's going to get murdered at some point.
01:00Mucking in tonight we have...
01:02ANISA NANDELLA
01:03BRETT THE VICTIM BLAKE
01:08CELIA PAKWOLA
01:09JOEL PREESE
01:14AND PERT'S VERY OWN
01:15ROVE MCMANUS
01:19NOW
01:20BESIDE ME IT'S THE MAN WHO WAS TURNED DOWN FOR CHANNEL 10'S BUDDY PROGRAM.
01:25HE'S TOO OLD TO BE A LITTLE BUDDY AND HE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T BE A BIG ONE.
01:29IT'S TOM KASHMAN.
01:36ALL RIGHT LESSA TOM, HIT ME WITH A PRIZE TASK.
01:39OUR FIRST TASK OF COURSE IS A PRIZE TASK.
01:41EACH OF OUR CONTESTANTS HAVE BROUGHT IN A PRIZE AND THE WINNER OF TONIGHT'S EPISODE WILL TAKE HOME ALL 5
01:45PRIZES.
01:46TONIGHT, OUR CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN ASKED TO BRING IN WHAT THEY CONSIDER TO BE THE BEST THING THAT CAN BE
01:50SAFELY CONCELED IN YOUR MOUTH AT THE START OF AN EPISODE RECORD.
01:59OKAY.
02:00BRETT, WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT FOR US?
02:07IT'S, UM, FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER WARRICK CAPA'S GOLDEN UNDIES UNWASHED.
02:19THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
02:20HOW DID YOU GET THEM?
02:21ON EBAE, SURPRISINGLY HIS CAREER'S GONE REALLY BAD AND HE'S SELLING EVERYTHING.
02:25OH, SO THEY'RE HIS ACTUAL UNDIES.
02:28YEAH, $27.
02:33WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH AT ALL.
02:35JOEL'S DESPERATE TO TALK.
02:38I THOUGHT JOEL WOULD HAVE BEEN USED TO SPEAKING WITH A MOOUTFUL.
02:42HE THINKS THEY'RE KYLEE MANOAD'S UNDIES.
02:46THEY'RE NOT.
02:48OKAY, ROVE, WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT IN?
02:52I
02:53Just went with air
02:57The task is the best thing the life-giving oxygen that is all around us is very important
03:04Warwick Cabba's groin is also life-giving
03:13So Celia what have you hidden Oh God
03:21This is a necklace that a stranger a fan made for me that says somebody at Channel 7 has me
03:33So just to be clear this is something that you said at the Logies yes
03:37I was presenting an award it was on Channel 7 and the autocue was incorrect
03:41So I said the wrong award and instead of being professional and smoothing that over I said on live television
03:48Someone at Channel 7 has me before they were able to cut away
03:57Turns out someone at Channel 7 is a lot of people
04:01Can I say it's wonderful to be here at Channel 10
04:05Anissa what are you concealing?
04:08Oh
04:09Oh
04:11Don't judge me
04:13I have a poem which is very difficult to read this is a poem for you
04:19Oh for me?
04:20Yeah, the best thing I could do is a poem there
04:22Oh God
04:33Dear Taskmaster
04:35Your personality is a chandelier filling the room with lights
04:39Your jokes are an assorted box of chocolate each filled with delights
04:44You are my favorite of the whites
04:56Did you like it?
04:57Yeah, I feel really flattered but I feel like there are a few traps in there for me
05:02It's hard to be white and proud if you know what I mean
05:06Joel you've been waiting to show us what's in your mouth
05:08Mm-hmm
05:09What have you got in your mouth Joel?
05:10Mm-hmm
05:12Oh
05:13Oh
05:14Oh
05:15Oh
05:15Oh
05:15Oh Celia
05:16Oh Celia
05:21You know what you did
05:22Celia
05:27I've had fake blood in there the whole time
05:30Oh my God
05:31It was disgusting
05:31I thought you had bad acting in there
05:39I did a year on Neighbours, thank you very much
05:42So while you were doing all that mime before you had that ready to go
05:46Yeah
05:47Okay
05:47I was very gay
05:51All right, well we need some scores here, don't we?
05:53Yes
05:53I'm gonna have to give one point to Brett because it was not safely concealed
05:56Much like Warwick Capper's cock while he was wearing that
06:02I'm gonna give Celia two
06:03I knew it, I should have thought this through, you bloody love the Logies
06:05Yeah
06:06You love it
06:07It's because I think it is an institution that is beyond critique
06:12All right
06:13Like I'd prefer to make fun of the church, you know
06:15Well guess what, someone at the church me as well
06:25I'm gonna give three points to Joel because I love the entertainment, I'm not sure it was the best thing
06:30What?
06:32Air's better than that, so four points to Roe
06:34Anissa read out a very beautiful poem
06:37Yes, Massa!
06:40It was a very beautiful poem, it was easily the best thing, and it made me into a proud white
06:46man
06:49All right, enough of this half-assed live crap, let's watch something people have put a bit more effort into,
06:54shall we?
06:55Sure, a big F you to any fans of individualism, it's our first team task of the season
07:13Hey Tom
07:14Hey Lisa
07:14It's my birthday
07:16We're really celebrating, if so
07:24Is that for me?
07:26Not yet
07:27Do I have to say please?
07:28I'm pretty sure that was you Tom
07:30I'm not sure about that
07:31Hello
07:35Careful!
07:36Oh!
07:37I hate blues!
07:38Oh my god, Rita
07:39Whoa!
07:40Anissa, hello!
07:42My friend
07:43May we hug?
07:44I would love a hug
07:46How are you wonderful?
07:47Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh
07:49Hi
07:49Oh my gosh
07:52Oh my gosh
07:53Oh my god
07:55Hello
07:55We're not supposed to pop them
07:57Let's just leave this loser and go have some fun with balloons
07:59Let's have a good time
08:00Team
08:01My friends, I've got friends, yes
08:03I'm not very good at this show
08:04Oh my gosh, mate
08:05I'm so bad at this show
08:07Oh good
08:09What?
08:11Okay, am I, do you want to read it?
08:13No, I don't want to read it
08:14I feel like
08:14Yay
08:15Pop the golden balloon
08:16If you do a forbidden thing, you must don a piece of protective clothing from your mannequin
08:23What does don mean?
08:25Um, like you're the boss of all the mafia
08:27So we will have to go and commit crimes, chop off a horse's head, put it in a bed
08:32Are you kidding?
08:33Like cement shoes, throw someone in a river
08:35If you do a forbidden thing again, you must do a spin with your hands by your side for every
08:41time you've done that forbidden thing
08:43Fewest red balloons pops wins
08:45Your time starts now
08:47Well, we don't need to panic
08:48Let's just I guess start to look for a golden balloon
08:52And if we
08:54You've done a forbidden thing
08:56Please don an item
09:03Start off the top there, I noticed that everyone was wearing earbuds except for Brit Blake
09:07What were you thinking?
09:07Are you just going to tough it out?
09:08What?
09:11I'm actually deaf in one ear, so I was like whatever, who cares if they both go down
09:17Now Rover was good to see you trying to help out the next generation of comedians by explaining what Don
09:21was by
09:23Talking about The Godfather a film from the early 70s
09:27So Anissa, have you seen The Godfather?
09:29Oh, no
09:30No, so you didn't know what he was talking about
09:33I had no idea, but I'm trying to make friends, so I was like okay, that's nice
09:36But also it's not...
09:39Alright, well I think we need some team names
09:41Okay
09:41I'm feeling inspired by commercial radio
09:43Because I thought Roe, you and Anissa could be called The Breakfast Show
09:46Because often like in commercial radio they get someone very high profile and an unknown
09:49So I feel like the other three, when they do a drive show they get three people who would clearly
09:54never hang out together
09:56So you're The Drive Show
09:59The Breakfast Show and The Drive Show
10:01Alright Tom, let's get spiky
10:03Call it a pop duo because we've got both teams at once
10:07Okay, what is a forbidden thing?
10:08Don't know, but we need a golden balloon to pop
10:12Brett has done a forbidden thing
10:14Please don an item on your mannequin
10:16Okay, don't let any balloons out, you have to sneak out
10:20Celia has done a forbidden thing
10:21Please don an item on your mannequin
10:24Joel has done a forbidden thing
10:26Please don an item on your mannequin
10:30Anissa has done a forbidden thing
10:32Oh, you're a dickhead
10:33There's spikes on this
10:37What happened?
10:38They're sharp
10:39No
10:40Bad Tom
10:41I think Helmet was a smart choice
10:44Celia has done a forbidden thing
10:45Wait, we don't get in trouble if we
10:49Oh, I think you can't point
10:52I can do the middle and I'll look in this corner
10:55Why are you thrusting?
10:57I'm so sick
10:58Oh, jeez
10:59Pop the golden balloon
11:02Anissa has done a forbidden thing
11:03I think the B word is a forbidden thing
11:09This reminds me, I've got to get my hemorrhoids checked
11:11I feel like it's going to be something very annoying
11:13And it's...
11:14Brett has done a forbidden thing
11:16Please don an additional item from your mannequin
11:18Do not bend over
11:19Oh
11:20How will you know if we pop the...
11:23Sorry
11:28Brett has done a forbidden thing
11:30Please don two additional items from your mannequin
11:33I'm running out of items
11:34Oh
11:36I found something
11:37If you look down here
11:39I have uncovered an arrow pointing towards Tom
11:43Oh, you turn
11:44It's a really small thing
11:46Yeah, it's...
11:46Brett, what are you doing?
11:47Stop it
11:48Stop it
11:49I did the thing
11:50I didn't want to talk about it
11:52I...
11:52It's...
11:52I got it
11:53You did it?
11:54Yeah
11:54I knew you were hiding it, you cheeky
11:56Brett has not done the thing
11:58There it is
11:59Hiding in the corner
12:01Enjoy this moment
12:04No
12:04They set this up
12:06They have to sit through it
12:07Almost done
12:07Here we go
12:10Woooo
12:12Oh
12:15Thanks Scott
12:16I did it
12:17I did it like ten minutes ago
12:19You idiots
12:20Oh my god
12:22On and on
12:23Miss Victor Bon
12:34So just starting with the drive show
12:36There were forbidden things
12:37Did all of you feel like you were keeping track of the forbidden things?
12:41Celia was onto it quite quick with the balloons
12:43Thank you, I'm the girl one
12:47Well...
12:47In the drive show world, I'm the girl one, yeah, but I...
12:49I'm the diversity hire
12:52And I'm the fat idiot that does the secret sound
12:56So just remind me, what were the forbidden things?
12:59So our contestants couldn't say the word balloon
13:01You couldn't point
13:01They couldn't duck below the balloons
13:03The final one is that they weren't allowed to touch me
13:06Which no one showed any interest of doing
13:11So what are the scores?
13:12How do we score this?
13:13Well, so it's fewest pops wins
13:15Yep
13:15Our team of two
13:16Had 32 pops
13:17Our team of three
13:18Also 32
13:19It's a tie
13:21I think they both seemed relatively average
13:24Okay
13:24So I'm going to give them all three
13:25Okay
13:2613, 13, 13, 13
13:27Yep
13:30What are the scores in the episode so far?
13:32Well, Brett is in last place with four points
13:35But Anissa's out in front with eight points
13:38Well, that's it for part one
13:41Time for a break so I can poke Tom Cashman with thumbtacks and see if he pops
13:46We'll be back after this
13:58Welcome back to Taskmaster where we're going to find out which Australian comedian is the most
14:04I don't know, it doesn't really matter
14:05Lesser Tom?
14:06You've got a task for us?
14:08That I do, my ladies
14:26A little upskirt camera
14:28Nice
14:31Can I enter?
14:32Sure thing
14:33Ho ho ho
14:34Why have you got swagger?
14:36Working hard or hardly working
14:39Dude
14:40Oh, I'm going to have an asthma attack in here
14:42What?
14:44Why are you dabbing at me?
14:46Yeah, he's here
14:47Yeah, he's a bit isn't he?
14:50No, your words not mine mate
14:52Did it hurt?
14:53When I fell from heaven?
14:55No
14:55Yeah
14:56Keeping it real?
14:57Very nice
15:01Be cringe
15:02Oh, you've been cringe before
15:05Most cringe wins
15:06You have 25 minutes
15:08Your time starts now
15:10What makes me go
15:11Ugh
15:12The Borat stuff is one thing
15:15Austin Powers stuff
15:16All of that sort of
15:18Do I make you horny?
15:20I think you made that knob horny
15:23I made that knob horny baby
15:26Yeah
15:26Public displays of affection
15:28Oh
15:29Taking a photo of themselves making out
15:31I'm going to have to do that aren't I
15:32When a man hits on someone that is clearly not interested
15:35But they just won't stop
15:36Mm
15:37That is cringe
15:38For the sake of this I need you to be the woman
15:39I'm a 50 year old man
15:41I should dance
15:42Do you have any children nearby?
15:47I know what the most cringes in the world of seeing was
15:49So I'm going to borrow you
15:51And then I'm going to come back
15:53And it's all going to make sense
15:54We don't have long so I need you to hurry up
15:56And send out some invites
15:58Get cracking
15:59Coming back here
16:00You can relax
16:02There's no cars involved
16:03We can have our panic attacks later
16:10Ahhhh
16:11Um Lesser Tom
16:12I don't want to see you with swagger ever again
16:15It did occur to me that I was trying to be cringe
16:17In all those different ways
16:18But the one that I did for Brett
16:19I just seemed like a normal confident man
16:23Alright
16:23Uh
16:23Brett what did you mean by upskirt camera?
16:25What's that about?
16:27I haven't heard of them
16:28Oh
16:29Are you more of a shoe mirror guy?
16:34Don't know what that is either
16:35Don't
16:36Oh really?
16:38Now Rove
16:38I'm also a 50 year old man
16:40And I can confirm that Austin Powers is cringe
16:44Rove did such a strong Austin Powers impression
16:47He broke the caravan
16:49It came out way too easily
16:51Way too easily
16:52Ok Lesser Tom
16:53Who do we have first?
16:54First up in their attempt to be very nice at the task
16:57I refuse to do the voice again
16:58It's Anissa and Rove
17:04Woo!
17:05Let's get this party started
17:06Hey everybody
17:07Sorry I didn't bring any drinks for the bath
17:10But I just took one anyway
17:11Alright
17:11We having a good time?
17:13Damn
17:17Damn
17:18Damn
17:19Oh
17:20My name's Tom
17:22Oh
17:22I'm Anissa
17:24Oh delicious smells like cocoa butter
17:27This party be skippity
17:29Yeah
17:29You know what I'm saying
17:30DJ turn the music on
17:32Hey everyone I'm Jessica's uncle Glenn
17:35I'm just here uninvited
17:37But I thought surprise
17:38What's a girl like you doing here by yourself?
17:41I'm not by myself
17:42I'm with friends actually
17:43Can I be a friend?
17:44Let's get some skippity toilet action
17:48Yeah baby
17:50That's what my wife would really like
17:53I'm scared to be vulnerable
17:55Someone like you it feels easy to let my guard down as a man
17:59We've been talking for about 2.5 minutes
18:01That's what I mean it's easy
18:03Can I get your number?
18:04Will it mean that you leave me alone?
18:08No I don't want the number then
18:09Okay
18:10Come on!
18:11Let's get the party started
18:12Come on let's get some
18:13Get some riz going here
18:15Woo!
18:19I'm running
18:19But I'm not going anywhere
18:24Who wants to pick up my legs?
18:25Pick up my legs
18:26Pick up my legs
18:26Oh my wheelbarrow
18:28What?
18:29I'm not leaving here
18:30Without one dance
18:32Oh that's great
18:33Put me down there
18:34Oh
18:34Oh sorry I just
18:36I hurt my back
18:37Bop bop
18:37Will you marry me?
18:38Marry you?
18:40I'll take care of you
18:41I'll leave you to it
18:42I'll leave you to it
18:43I'm going to go throw up in the garden
18:45Happy 21st Jessica
18:47Oh
18:51God very riz
18:54That was good
18:55That was very strange
18:56Okay so Anissa for you being cringe was a creepy guy?
19:02Yeah just a guy who can't take no for an insight and he just keeps going
19:06So is this based on personal experience? Have you had to deal with this?
19:09Yeah I've had to deal with this but I also think I've also been that person
19:15It actually kind of looks a bit cool
19:17Yeah
19:17It looks so cool
19:18I might try that
19:18It's like dodging all the no vibes
19:20Yeah
19:24Okay now Rove I feel like this was really playing into your strengths
19:32I mean it was amazing to watch
19:36I feel like you are the cringe champ
19:38I had to play to my strengths
19:39As soon as I opened up I just went I got this I took my time
19:42Oh it was fantastic you were just constant entertainment
19:44That's why I got three gold logies
19:52Alright it's time for an ad break
19:53When we return we'll have some more comedians being as cringe as possible
19:57And also the rest of the task
19:59See you then
20:11Welcome back to Taskmaster where our contestants are battling it out
20:15In a fight to the reputational death
20:17Um actually your reputation can't die
20:20Okay
20:21Reputation lives on after death
20:25That's the kind of thing they're trying to do
20:27Up next it's Joel and Celia
20:30I'm going to do an art attack
20:32This is an art attack
20:33This is an art attack
20:34This is
20:35An art attack?
20:36No
20:37Ah just art attack
20:38What's the most ick things people call each other?
20:40Partner in crime?
20:42Honey pumpkin
20:42My forever boo
20:43Art attack was that show back in like the early noughties late nineties
20:48And you would do like big writings on the ground
20:52Hang on I'm going to change it round
20:55Oh
20:56How the f*** do people do this?
20:58How do they do it?
21:02How good that?
21:05Did I get it?
21:06Oh I hate this
21:07I hate this so much
21:10Some people might say the bongos are a bit cringe
21:13You've got one minute and 49 seconds
21:14Oh shit do I?
21:15Shit shit shit
21:16Go on get it out
21:18Oh it's good hay
21:20Imagine that from up top
21:22This is an art attack
21:23This is an art attack
21:24This is an art attack
21:25This is art attack
21:28Ta da
21:29Look I'm being cringe
21:30Tom can you be part of the A?
21:32Okay
21:32Oh oh
21:33Oh that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen
21:37I hate it
21:38Oh I'm cringing
21:39Now tell me some of your stand up
21:40Um
21:41Diarrhea
21:42Very difficult to spell
21:43Diarrhea
21:44Very difficult to spell
21:45Very easy to push out of your arsehole
21:47Very easy to push out of your arsehole
21:52Gross
21:54Okay so it has to be
21:55Uh oh
21:57Out with my
21:58Forever
21:59Partner in crime
22:00Hashtag
22:01So in love
22:02Hashtag
22:03Blessed
22:03Hashtag
22:04Candid
22:05Hashtag
22:05So in love
22:06Blessed
22:06Lot of blessed
22:07Okay
22:08Multiple blessed
22:09I hated that thoroughly
22:11But I love love
22:12Just keep it to yourself
22:14I'm quenching
22:17And what do we say
22:18This is an art attack
22:19This is an art attack
22:20This is an art attack
22:22This is
22:23No it's just art attack
22:24Oh okay
22:25Thanks Joel
22:26See ya
22:26Have fun cleaning up
22:35So Celia what are you going for there?
22:37I hate public displays of affection
22:39Particularly when people post them online
22:41Particularly
22:42This was a specific thing that I remember
22:43Is for people who post photos
22:45Of like a selfie
22:46Of them making out
22:47A friend
22:48A friend of mine once posted
22:49A picture of himself on the beach
22:50In his speedos
22:51And he said
22:52Missing grandma
22:53Hashtag
22:53One year today
22:57PDA is pretty cringeworthy
22:59But like having PDA
23:00With a pretend boyfriend
23:01Is that how you were trying to elevate it?
23:02My choice was mannequin or Tom
23:04So
23:05Mannequin
23:05Ew
23:07I was right there
23:08Yeah
23:10Could have been more cringe
23:12Everyone at home would have been imagining
23:13His prickly little face on their lips
23:17Imagine explaining to my boyfriend
23:18And father of my child
23:20That it's not cheating
23:20Because it was cringe
23:22You know
23:25That's
23:25That's the thinking
23:27Now Joel
23:28I put it to you
23:29That you just wanted to do
23:30An art attack
23:30I really
23:32I'm not sure it had much to do with cringe
23:34Well
23:35People tell me I'm cringe all the time
23:36No matter what I do
23:37So there were so many options
23:38I figured
23:40Why not do an art attack
23:41And use
23:42Some of Tom's
23:45Material
23:45Um
23:46And what's cringier than leaving
23:48It for the crew to clean up after
23:50I actually felt terrible
23:51But
23:51So you just left all the mess there
23:53Because you thought that would be cringe
23:54To have other people clean up after you
23:56And with all the other tasks
23:57You helped the crew tidy up
24:01Um
24:02Yeah
24:04Yeah
24:05Well that was
24:05That was
24:06You know
24:06It was good
24:07It was good
24:08It was be cringe
24:09I wrote it out didn't I
24:10I know but you missed an opportunity there
24:12Because the whole point was to be cringe
24:15And you even spelt out be and cringe
24:18Mm
24:18And you put yourself
24:20In the word be
24:22You could have literally been cringe
24:24But instead you be be
24:30I'll pay you that one
24:31Yeah
24:33Very good point
24:35Alright
24:36Well that's
24:36Glad you gave yourself a one
24:39Oh come on
24:40All the crew had to clean up
24:42Give it for
24:43Do it for the crew
24:45I don't give a f*** about the crew
24:49Alright Cashman
24:50Uh put me out of my misery
24:52The cringiest thing to him
24:53Is a normal haircut
24:54It's Brett Blake
24:59Yeah
24:59Ready for another one
25:01Where'd the bloody go
25:02Do another cast
25:04Yeah
25:06Is that what I sound like?
25:07I do whatever the f*** I want
25:08I want to
25:09I want to
25:13It's Tom
25:14Come on in
25:15The world's most sexiest man
25:18God have you been working out?
25:19I think that's what he said
25:20I don't like this on you
25:21Why do I sound like I've had helium?
25:24I do not sound like that
25:25You're up here
25:26Look you're pissing me off as me
25:27Okay
25:27And I don't like being angry at myself
25:29Cause I like to be positive
25:30I bloody do what I want
25:31Yeah
25:31I bloody do what I want
25:33Yeah I like this
25:34Let's go have some fun as Brett
25:35Come on dude
25:36You're gonna love this
25:37I'm not cause
25:38Oh
25:39I'm a boring nerd
25:41Stick to time
25:42Kick that over the roof
25:43That's cool
25:45Oh
25:46That was a good one
25:47I didn't give a hoot what effect that has on anyone else
25:49Kick that one over the roof
25:51Go on
25:52That seems
25:52Like it should
25:53I shouldn't
25:54Just shut up and kick the ball
25:57Did you make it?
25:58Yeah it went high
25:59Do this one
26:00Joke is it's really hard
26:01Oh
26:04That hurt your foot?
26:05Yeah got ya
26:06That was sick
26:07Congratulations
26:07Congratulations to you mate
26:09You have just won Taskmaster
26:11Yeah
26:11I knew it
26:13Now back to your room you scallywag
26:15Oh
26:15Get on ya mate
26:16Get on ya mate
26:17Get on ya mate
26:20Woo
26:21Go
26:21Give that guy a promotion
26:23Hell yeah
26:37Well we're only two episodes in and I can feel a genuine resentment between you two and um
26:41Oh it gets worse
26:43Um so to be cringe was to be lesser Tom
26:46Lesser Tom was being the most cringe I've ever seen when he was pretending to be cringe
26:51So then I thought I would become him cause that's the most cringe thing
26:55But then he became me and that pissed me off and then I got excited to meet myself
27:00And then we just kicked some shit over a house
27:01It was awesome
27:02And then I forgot what the task was but we had an awesome time didn't we dude
27:06It was sick
27:06So I think if anything that's worth at least three points
27:11Alright well I should hand out some scores here
27:13Yep
27:14I mean
27:15Just felt like such a missed opportunity Joel could have literally been cringe but he was B
27:19So one point to Joel
27:21Oh
27:22Two points to Brett Blake because it was really entertaining and not very cringey at all
27:25It was just uh a good old afternoon of fun of bread on bread action
27:30Uh three points to Anissa
27:32Yep
27:32I felt quite creeped out by your advances
27:35Four points for Celia
27:37Oh my gosh
27:37Cause that was a very cringe photo
27:39But I feel like you know I've seen your Instagram it just blended in
27:43Olympic level of cringe
27:45Rope it man
27:45Skibbity
27:47Skibbity
27:49Skibbity
27:50Bloody dald at five points
27:52Alright if all that made you want to crawl off into a little hole and die
27:56Now would be the perfect opportunity
27:58We'll see you after this
28:11Welcome back to Taskmaster where five comedians are jocting for Brett Blake's jocks
28:16Lesser Tom I believe it might be time to crack open a freshie
28:19A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
28:22That was said by philosopher Lao Tzu
28:241400 years before the pogo stick was invented
28:26how wrong he was
28:41Tommeeeeeevere!
28:48Hi Brad
28:49That was a good one
28:49Hello
28:50Hi Celia
28:53I'm glad you're my real dad.
28:55Me too.
28:56What's happening?
28:57You'll see.
28:58Do you want a banana?
28:59No, thank you.
29:00Okay.
29:01Oh, Illuminati circle.
29:04May I?
29:05Yes, please.
29:06Is that a beguet?
29:08What?
29:08A beguet?
29:10No.
29:10Is that what they call them, the French?
29:12Beguet?
29:12Or am I mixing bidet and bread?
29:14I think that's exactly what you're doing.
29:21Choose up to two items, then travel the furthest on them.
29:25My beguet.
29:28That's not what it's called.
29:29Your journey must begin on the mat.
29:32And once any part of you touches ground, it's over.
29:37Once you touch an item, you must use it.
29:39Furthest journey wins.
29:40You have 15 minutes.
29:42Your time starts now.
29:46Right.
29:50So Anissa, just to be clear, it's not beguet, it's beguet.
29:54Yeah.
29:55And it wasn't one, it's sourdough.
29:58I'm the beguet.
29:59Hi.
30:02I said beguet like 30 times and you just looked at me and didn't correct me once.
30:06I corrected you so many times.
30:09So just to be clear, they've got two exercise balls, a bucket, a rubber duck, a roller skater,
30:14a pogo stick, a unicycle and, of course, a beguet.
30:18But also, Joel had all of those things, but he couldn't see the two exercise balls.
30:27Alright, who's first up?
30:29Lisa Tom.
30:29Which one will go farther?
30:31Well, maybe neither of them will call their father.
30:33It's Joel and Celia.
30:34Ah!
30:35Okay.
30:35I'm going to hurt myself.
30:37Why?
30:37Because it's who I am.
30:39Oh.
30:39Have you met me?
30:40What am I going to do with a bread roll?
30:42Have a snack?
30:43But maybe that won't work.
30:45Ah!
30:45You've touched the ball.
30:46That touched me!
30:47You must use the ball.
30:48That was God's fault.
30:50What's that called?
30:50A wheelie shoe?
30:51What are they called again?
30:52Ice skate...
30:53No, skate shoes.
30:54Ice skates?
30:55No, I know.
30:57They're called rollerblades.
30:58I'm going to roller skate, Tom.
30:59Okay.
31:00Oh, it's not my size.
31:01Oh, no.
31:02Oh, no.
31:03It's so small.
31:04Oh, no.
31:04It doesn't fit.
31:05Why did I pick this?
31:06Your foot fits perfectly.
31:08Right?
31:08How convenient.
31:09I think I'm going to go the pogo stick.
31:11My eyes are up here.
31:13Okay.
31:13Oh, my God.
31:14This could be a terrible idea.
31:16Hold on.
31:16Oh, yeah.
31:17No, this is okay.
31:20Look how far I've got, Tom.
31:22What could go wrong?
31:24Whoa.
31:28Just a quick break.
31:29Having a rest?
31:29Yeah.
31:30I've got heaps of time.
31:31Don't rush me.
31:32How long have I got?
31:33Eight minutes and 51 seconds.
31:34Oh, I was hoping you'd say, like, two minutes.
31:36Does this look as graceful as it feels?
31:38How graceful does it feel?
31:39Just checking in.
31:40Not very.
31:41This is a real career highlight for me.
31:43Maybe I can head back towards the house.
31:44Okay.
31:45I think maybe I should go back to...
31:46Oh!
31:47Ah!
31:48Ah!
31:49Oh!
31:51You've touched the ground.
31:52That wasn't my phone.
31:55Oh, thank God.
31:59How do you feel?
32:00Wrecked.
32:01All right.
32:02Thanks.
32:03Thanks, Celia.
32:03Thanks, Tom.
32:10So, Celia, I just want to let you know,
32:11we deliberately weakened that exercise ball...
32:14..so that that happened.
32:15I just wanted you to know that was a lie I thought
32:18would make you feel better.
32:20Yeah, cos they're supposed to...
32:21Like, I've sat on one of those when I was pregnant
32:23and I didn't pop it.
32:24I didn't pop it when I was two people
32:25and now I'm popping it when I'm one.
32:26I need to go to the gym.
32:28If you do, don't sit on the exercise ball.
32:32What was your thought process
32:33between choosing those two objects?
32:35Well, God chose me with the ball.
32:37It nudged the ball into me
32:38and I had no choice because of Stickler McGee over here.
32:42And then, I don't know,
32:43I just thought the roller skates seemed like
32:45sort of the closest thing to a vehicle.
32:47It looked like a foot car, right?
32:50So, Joel, why did you zero in on those two objects?
32:53Well, I couldn't see both the exercise balls, obviously,
32:56so they were out.
32:57So I put on the foot car,
32:59which was way too small for me.
33:01And then, for some reason,
33:02I went with the pogo stick,
33:03but I think I covered some distance.
33:05Well, I feel like you went quite a long way,
33:07but then you got bored and then you came back.
33:09Yeah, but it's not about that.
33:10Wasn't it just about metres?
33:12Well, it's up to you,
33:12but I think we should be counting
33:14how far you go in total.
33:15Thank you, thank you.
33:16Dress and groom three.
33:17See you after the show.
33:21To pay you!
33:22To pay you!
33:23I'm not going to...
33:25Just so you know,
33:26in future,
33:27when I'm saying things and saying opinions,
33:28it's not for sexual favours.
33:31Now you tell us!
33:33I know.
33:34How far did they travel?
33:35Well, Celia's perfectly fitting roller skate
33:37got her exactly 16.4 metres.
33:40Joel's roller derby pogo approach
33:42got him 226.1 metres in total.
33:50OK, Lessa Tom,
33:51let's see someone else's stunted,
33:53hectic journey across the backyard, please.
33:56They say the longest journey
33:57is the one between our heads and our hearts.
33:59I hope this next guy gets further than that.
34:00It's Brett Blake.
34:01I think I know what I'm going to do.
34:08This is a boring challenge.
34:10Task.
34:12Shut up.
34:14It's really annoying the van's over there.
34:16Because if I could get to the van and drive,
34:18yeah, that's an idea.
34:25You had tape prepared?
34:27Yeah.
34:29Am I nailing this?
34:31Furtest distance travelled.
34:33How far is the next pub?
34:36We're not allowed to leave the property.
34:38We don't have licence plates.
34:39Well, then we get arrested by the police.
34:41They take us to the police station.
34:43What's that?
34:44Closest police station is 8km away.
34:47Oh, **** one.
34:48No, we can't do that.
34:49Yeah, I can.
34:50Watch.
34:50No, we can't.
35:01We can't.
35:01Check it out.
35:02Fair.
35:05I think it's going to be furthest distance collectively.
35:08So I'm just going to do this for seven minutes, yeah?
35:11Woo!
35:13Hercule of the wood.
35:14You're such a drama queen, babe.
35:16Have a look at me.
35:17Do you think this mullet's fake?
35:18Do you think this is my first time doing this?
35:21Tom's having a panic attack.
35:24Tom's having a panic attack.
35:26The mullet makes me more worried.
35:27Do you know what will make you really worried?
35:28If I close my eyes.
35:33I reckon we've got 3Ks in that.
35:35What do you reckon?
35:36You think?
35:36Mmm.
35:373Ks of donuts?
35:38Yeah.
35:38I'll just park in that corner, and then I think I've won.
35:41Careful.
35:44That's a win.
35:46Next.
35:48Taskmaster.
35:49My arse.
35:55Very good.
35:56Brad, I think your bogan intelligence really blossomed in this one.
35:59Didn't it?
36:00You're right.
36:01I really think I excelled in that, and Tom had a terrific time, didn't you, Tom?
36:06I was a bit scared.
36:09I've never seen producers more worried than doing that task.
36:13The stunt coordinator came with a fire extinguisher.
36:16They're not stunt coordinators.
36:18What is he trying to do telling me off to?
36:21He's a health and safety officer.
36:23Oh, whatever.
36:25I'll tell you what he is.
36:27He's a goddamn wet blanket.
36:31All right.
36:32Well, I think we have to know how far he went.
36:34Well, Brett did 17 donuts at approximately 27 metres circumference each, we think.
36:39Two trips up the drive and back, that's 195 metres total,
36:42plus an initial walk of 47 metres, is 701 metres.
36:47Wow.
36:48Geez, it doesn't get much better than this.
36:51We'll have a break, because with great TV comes great ads.
36:54See you soon.
36:56APPLAUSE
37:07Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our five comedians are finally doing something I've been asking
37:13them to do for years.
37:14Go far away.
37:15That's right.
37:16Our contestants are trying to go as far as they can, using only two items from the items
37:19in front of them.
37:20Last up, they're as far from each other as they can be on their chairs right now.
37:23Is that a good omen or just boring?
37:25It's Anissa and Rove.
37:27Can I, at this present moment in time, just put it out there that no one's going to use
37:33the bread?
37:34Who's using bread?
37:36I'm riding the beget.
37:38Where's bread going to get you?
37:39You think I'm a fool, but I'm smart.
37:42I'm, in fact, if someone does choose bread, in my next task, I will do the whole thing in
37:49falsetto.
37:50I'm a genius.
37:51I guarantee no one uses bread.
37:53Bam.
37:55Me and my beget.
37:57I'm seeing a pogo stick.
37:59Do you know the last time I jumped on a pogo stick?
38:01No.
38:01Can't remember when.
38:02Oh.
38:03So that's going to be dangerous and fun.
38:06Beget.
38:07I choose pogo stick.
38:10Me and you are going all the way, beget.
38:12Okay.
38:14Fudge.
38:15Why are you breaking on me?
38:16I didn't think this through, beget.
38:19How do pogo sticks work?
38:24What?
38:26I'm pogoing.
38:27I'm pogoing.
38:31Did I get to the pond?
38:33Not quite.
38:36Taskmaster taxi.
38:38Service ride.
38:38This voucher entitles you to one free taxi ride from Tom.
38:43Where do you want to go?
38:44Out of the property as far as possible, please.
38:47Yay.
38:51Yeehaw.
38:51I win.
38:53You happy with this?
38:54Yes, I win.
38:56I stand by my call.
38:58You're dead to me, bread.
38:59You're fine.
39:00You're fine.
39:00Oh, thank you.
39:00Anything you'd like to say to the others?
39:03Losers!
39:04That's great.
39:05I killed that.
39:06APPLAUSE
39:11What a contrast.
39:13I feel like, Anissa, that was a real emotional rollercoaster.
39:16At first, you were, like, misidentifying the bread for ages.
39:20Then we thought you were a real idiot for trying to use it to get somewhere.
39:24And then things changed.
39:26You guys couldn't see it.
39:27None of you believed in me.
39:29I knew the Begay was the way all along.
39:33APPLAUSE
39:38Now, Rov, I think you did a really good job, too,
39:41of pretending you don't know how to ride a pogo stick,
39:43whereas I feel like that was right up your alley.
39:46I think it says something about Bretonite's personalities
39:49when he's just, like, laser-focused on,
39:51I want to get in the van.
39:53And I'm like, I want to bounce on a pogo stick.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:57Yeah, I was getting real circus skills vibes from you.
40:00Oh, my God, Tom,
40:01the agonising thought I had wrestling in my own mind,
40:04do I go with the pogo stick or the unicycle?
40:06What a conundrum.
40:08Now, Lester, Tom,
40:09can you remind me what Rov said about that bread before the break?
40:12If someone uses bread,
40:13I will do the whole next task in falsetto.
40:16LAUGHTER
40:16All right.
40:17So, uh, how far did they get, though?
40:19Rov travelled 8.2 metres,
40:21Anissa travelled 4.2 kilometres.
40:24Hey!
40:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:27Good game!
40:29So that means Rov gets one point,
40:30Celia gets two, Joel gets three,
40:32Brett gets four,
40:33but Anissa wins the task with five points!
40:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:38OK, so what does that do to the scores for the episode?
40:42Well, it changes them.
40:43LAUGHTER
40:44All right, let's go to an ad break.
40:47What a cliffhanger!
40:49So, Brett and Joel are in last place on 10 points,
40:52Celia has 11, Rov has 13,
40:54but in the lead, it's Anissa with 16 points!
40:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:58OK, well, enough maths and numbers.
41:01Get out of here, everyone.
41:02Go and do a live task for me.
41:03Off you go.
41:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:08OK, Cashman, before we get into this next task,
41:11let's just remember that Rov clearly said
41:13that if anyone used bread,
41:15he would do the next task in falsetto.
41:18LAUGHTER
41:18OK, who's going to read the task?
41:21Oh, that would be Joel.
41:22Oh, well done, Joel!
41:24LAUGHTER
41:24Is that what falsetto is?
41:26It sounds like a jockey to me, but...
41:29LAUGHTER
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31Paint your face in a silly way...
41:34No!
41:35..then...
41:36..share a serious story.
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41There's more.
41:41Biggest disparity between silly face
41:44and serious story wins.
41:46You have two minutes to paint your face,
41:48then 20 seconds each to share a story.
41:51Your time starts now.
41:52Oh, boy!
41:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:02Why are you painting other parts of your body, Joel?
42:05I'm getting to my face!
42:07LAUGHTER
42:09I think you've inspired Celia.
42:11Yeah, you did.
42:12I'm probably...
42:13Oh, piss off, Celia.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:17One minute left.
42:19This is like an art attack.
42:20Is it?
42:21LAUGHTER
42:22Oh, then Joel's going to crush this!
42:25LAUGHTER
42:26I don't think so.
42:28I'm going to go back to my tits.
42:30I'm going to go back to my tits!
42:32LAUGHTER
42:32The tits are irrelevant.
42:34You're irrelevant!
42:34Tits are never irrelevant!
42:36How dare you!
42:38Ten seconds.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:39LAUGHTER
42:41LAUGHTER
42:41Paintbrushes down, everybody!
42:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:44Paintbrushes down!
42:45APPLAUSE
42:46LAUGHTER
42:49APPLAUSE
42:49Anissa, you will be our first storyteller.
42:52LAUGHTER
42:52Oh, no.
42:53Oh, no, she's gone whiteface!
42:56LAUGHTER
42:57LAUGHTER
42:58I'd like to tell a story about, um, the time that I went to a Pauline Hanson rally and asked
43:05her to marry me.
43:07LAUGHTER
43:10And she said no.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:15Which, um, would have made everyone pretty happy because she was sticking to it.
43:19We're guns.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:23Thank you, Anissa.
43:25Brett Blake, please step up and tell a serious story.
43:29All right, serious story.
43:31Oh, um...
43:33I've done acting before.
43:34LAUGHTER
43:35Oh, have you?
43:36LAUGHTER
43:38I'll do better than that.
43:39Um, uh, one of the hardest gigs I ever did was about 12 years ago.
43:45LAUGHTER
43:46It was out of time!
43:48I didn't even get to talk about my grandad going, you f***ing arsehole.
43:51Now I've just got dicks and shit on my face on TV for no f***ing reason.
43:56Celia, please step up and tell a serious story.
43:59Agree.
44:00When my friend Kelly and I, um, had to agree to put down our dog, Deirdre Chambers,
44:05um, the vet went...
44:07I made a face and we went, what?
44:08And she said, oh, I'm just looking at the monitor.
44:10Her heart beats faster when she hears you talking to her.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:20That was tough.
44:23What?
44:24OK, well, uh, we're going to be back soon with two more silly faces
44:27and hopefully some very serious stories after this.
44:31APPLAUSE
44:41Welcome back to Taskmaster.
44:43We're about to hear some more serious stories
44:45by people who look like they've been vandalised by drunk toddlers.
44:48That's right, we've got two remaining contestants,
44:51two serious stories to hear from our silly-looking people.
44:53Joel Creasy, you are next.
44:54Thank you very much.
44:56Um, I have been dumped many times in my life.
45:00Um, the most probably hardcore dumping,
45:02hence the incredible tears on my face.
45:04Uh, well, when I took a man to see,
45:07have you heard about the Morgans,
45:08a Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle, uh,
45:11that bombed at the box office?
45:13And he said he was going to get a choc top and never returned
45:16and left me in the cinema on my...
45:19But it was revenge!
45:20I hooked up with his brother!
45:22APPLAUSE
45:27Rose McManus, please step up.
45:29Oh, I feel I'm already at a disadvantage, but that's OK.
45:33LAUGHTER
45:33The most humiliating day of my life
45:36was when I was on the school camp,
45:39first day of Year 12,
45:41and my girlfriend dumped me.
45:43She told all my friends first before she told me,
45:46then she wrote it in a card that says,
45:48you're dropped, and it was Valentine's Day.
45:52LAUGHTER
45:59All right.
46:00Well, thank you so much for baring your souls.
46:02Get down here so we can allocate some points.
46:04APPLAUSE
46:10OK, well, I've got to give out some scores.
46:12I'm thinking when it comes to the faces and the silliness,
46:14they're all equally silly compared to the story.
46:17The stories were all over the shop.
46:18So I'm going to give one point to Brett,
46:20because he didn't really get his story out.
46:22And I'm going to give two points to Joel,
46:23because it sounded like a serious story,
46:25but then at the end it got quite silly.
46:27I read the task, though.
46:28I should get an extra point for that.
46:30LAUGHTER
46:30I'm not giving out points for comprehension.
46:33LAUGHTER
46:34I'm going to give three points to Anissa.
46:36OK.
46:36It was quite a silly story.
46:37I suspect it never happened.
46:39But I'm going to give four points to Rove.
46:40He was up against it, he had a silly voice,
46:42which distracted me from the story a little bit,
46:44but it was very serious.
46:45But I'm going to give five points to Celia
46:47for dropping some dark shit...
46:49LAUGHTER
46:50..after putting on some weird make-up.
46:53APPLAUSE
46:55I'll tell you what,
46:56that five points really makes killing my dog worth it.
47:00LAUGHTER
47:03All right, Mr Numbers,
47:04what does that mean for our overall episode score?
47:07Well, Brett is in fifth place with 11 points,
47:09but Anissa wins the episode with 19 points!
47:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:13All right, congrats, Anissa.
47:15Get up on stage to claim your five mouthfuls of prizes.
47:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20Well, what have we learnt?
47:22Brent learnt that a stunt coordinator
47:24and a health and safety officer aren't the same thing.
47:27LAUGHTER
47:28And we all learnt Rove can Austin powers so hard
47:32he can break a caravan.
47:34LAUGHTER
47:34One more congratulations to our episode winner, Anissa.
47:37Good night!
47:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:54Are we still on air?
47:57Might have lost my tiny mind.
47:59LAUGHTER
48:00Take that, Year 8 English teacher!
48:03I did it!
48:05Joe, were you just repeating materi...
48:07LAUGHTER
48:08I learnt from the best.
48:10LAUGHTER
48:10LAUGHTER
48:11LAUGHTER
48:11LAUGHTER
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