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  • 16 hours ago
Rivals Season 2 Episode 2
Transcript
00:16People sometimes ask me,
00:18do sportsmen make good politicians?
00:22I say yes.
00:25If you like your politicians brave, disciplined,
00:28strong in body, mentally agile.
00:31Someone who knows how to truly commit,
00:33working night and day to make your life better.
00:37Someone who knows they're playing for the winning side,
00:40who was born to win and refuses to lose.
00:43Someone who can ride any storm and even let others take the lead
00:47without ever tiring or letting go.
00:49Someone who is flexible and used to competing in difficult positions.
00:53If that ticks all your boxes, may I invite you to tick mine?
00:59Oh, you look spectacular.
01:02That was a party political broadcast by the conservative party.
01:06You do know that's an antique?
01:11The mirror's pretty old, too.
01:14Helen.
01:14Helen.
01:15Helen.
01:17Helen.
01:19Helen.
01:29Helen.
01:37Helen.
01:39Helen.
01:40Helen.
01:41Helen.
01:42Helen.
01:42Helen.
01:42Helen.
01:42Helen.
01:43Helen.
01:43Helen.
01:44Helen.
01:45Helen.
01:46Helen.
01:48Helen.
01:48Helen.
01:48Helen.
01:48Helen.
01:50Helen.
02:13So you forgot
02:14Not for a second
02:15Half term break
02:16You have until Wednesday
02:17I've been looking for time
02:18Stop it
02:19Your poker face is terrible.
02:20I'm more of a bridge man. I do like a foursome.
02:23Daddy!
02:26Hello, sweetheart.
02:29Hi, Marcus.
02:33Hi, Dad.
02:33The children's bags, the clothes are all labelled.
02:36There's a list in there if you could check them all off when they come back.
02:38Tabitha came home without a single sock last time.
02:44Hello.
02:50Hi, I'm Mrs. Gordon, the children's mother.
02:53Uh, yeah, uh, Helen, Mrs. Cameron.
02:56I've heard so much about you.
02:59Philadelphia, right?
03:00Yes, ma'am.
03:01Well, New York by way of Philly. You?
03:03Florida.
03:05And hi, you must be Tabitha.
03:08Obviously. Who are you?
03:13Um, I'm your, um, your father's girlfriend.
03:17You bloody not!
03:23Okay, I'm gonna leave you to deal with that.
03:26I'm late from my plane. My husband is waiting.
03:29Where are you going?
03:30Venice.
03:31Oh, baby, we should go to Venice.
03:33I'll waste it on Rupert, I'm afraid.
03:35Okay, kiss the children for me. I'll see them.
03:38Wednesday.
03:38Wednesday, right.
03:40I'm sorry. I didn't know that they didn't know about me.
03:43Enjoy Venice!
03:46Don't fall in.
03:56Tabitha, come and meet Cameron properly.
04:06I told you you should order the beef.
04:08Luigi's is legendary.
04:09No, I'm not really enjoying red meat at the moment.
04:11Ah.
04:12Monica couldn't eat eggs for nine months.
04:14Couldn't see them in the pantry without feeling nauseous.
04:20So, explain to me how it's mine.
04:24Do you remember the day I joined Carinium?
04:26Celebration dinner at the Bear in Bisley.
04:28Two courses.
04:30Me for pudding.
04:31Forgive me, I'm not the only suspect.
04:33James and I didn't start until Miss Carinium.
04:35You knew of a husband?
04:36No, Paul lost his libido at the same time as his cabinet suit.
04:40Not something, um, you'd ever have trouble with, I imagine.
04:46You're feeling a bit pushed out since BT came on board at Carinium, am I right?
04:50You're also aware that Cameron's out.
04:52You're wondering if a little power move like this
04:57might move you into the position she vacated.
04:59Queen of Carinium.
05:01Sad to say, Sarah, we're not inviting applications at present,
05:04nor are we looking for an illegitimate heir to the throne.
05:08Get rid of it.
05:10I know a very good chap in Harley Street had this sorted out in no time.
05:13A termination.
05:15No, not a nice word.
05:19Better to think of it as a cleansing of your soul.
05:22Be a shame if this were to hang over your blossoming career.
05:27It would hang over you too, though, wouldn't it?
05:31And Monica.
05:32Ooh.
05:39Imminently deniable.
05:42Unless the acid pearl pops out with a cigar in its mouth,
05:44you'd have a way to prove it's mine.
05:46Here you go.
05:47Mmm, thank you.
05:50Bon appetit.
05:53Mmm, God, it's good.
05:58Try the beef.
06:06Come on.
06:14Don't try to play chess with me, Sarah.
06:16You're not clever enough.
06:18We both want rid of this problem,
06:19so you sort it out as quick as you possibly can.
06:22Good girl.
06:30Rupert's all over bloody everything.
06:33They've shown his party political broadcast five times this week.
06:35He's been on Breakfast Time and TV AM.
06:37Both channels.
06:38Both channels.
06:41Meanwhile, I can't even get invited on Cotswold Roundup,
06:44a programme presented by my own wife.
06:47Thank you, darling.
06:49So, listen, I've made some calls and we're going to have a dinner party on Tuesday,
06:53see if we can't turn some local goodwill into actual television coverage.
06:57Show Tony Battingham, we mean business.
07:01Dinner party here?
07:03Do you know, Winifred always used to throw me dinner parties in the run-up to an election,
07:12and I never had to suggest it myself.
07:14Oh, good for Winifred.
07:19Yes.
07:21Perhaps you should start thinking about what to cook.
07:58You're too good to those birds.
08:00I like how busy they are.
08:02Work so hard at surviving.
08:04Morning.
08:05Aubergine.
08:06From the market, as requested.
08:09Aubergine's in the Cotswold.
08:10Your bags was in London last night.
08:12I've got to make six, um, what's that again?
08:15Moussaka.
08:16I think it's Moussaka for the Women's Institute AGM.
08:19And a spare one for your lunch.
08:20Can't wait.
08:21Draw the hand.
08:22I'm a decent sous chef.
08:23Oh.
08:24Okay.
08:25Good morning, all.
08:26Good morning.
08:28Good morning.
08:29The boss lady's here.
08:36Morning.
08:37You must be Marcus.
08:39Hello.
08:40Which makes you Tabitha.
08:42And you're Declan O'Hara from the telly.
08:44Declan O'Telly, that's right.
08:46This is all looking great.
08:48It is, but Charles called me this morning.
08:51Turns out Carinium are also developing a series of Shakespeare plays for the school's market.
08:56Do you know about this?
08:57It's another thing from our application document, isn't it?
09:24All right, then.
09:25Where do you want this, Declan?
09:29Over here.
09:29There you go.
09:30Oh, fuck.
09:31I'm sweating carbs here.
09:33Who is this person?
09:34Oh, fuck.
09:36Good morning, Venture Television.
09:37Shelley speaking.
09:38Well, we said we needed a secretary.
09:40She prefers executive assistant.
09:42Declan, BBC for you.
09:51Declan O'Hara?
09:54Hello, Jeremy.
09:56Hi, Baz.
09:56Oh, hello, Munchkin.
09:59Oh, how about you?
10:00Is there any food?
10:01Lovely.
10:01The camera made breakfast, but it was disgusting.
10:04Good, man.
10:05Which is your desk?
10:06Why?
10:07The only character in my life.
10:09I want to know everything about you.
10:11We've put you over here, Cameron.
10:12This is the driving seat.
10:14Why don't you go into the kitchen and find Taggy?
10:16She'll get you a snack.
10:18Go on, just do that.
10:19I scrabbled some eggs.
10:20How is that disgusting?
10:21Will do, Jeremy.
10:24So, our Yeats documentary is now officially in development.
10:30Yes!
10:32Oh!
10:32Oh!
10:33I love a bit of Yeats.
10:34Oh, honey, so recently you were pronouncing it Yeats.
10:36So, what happens now?
10:37Take a trip over to Ireland.
10:39Scout out some locations.
10:40We don't need to shoot in Ireland.
10:41We've got landscape coming out of our ears in Rudshire.
10:44With all due respect, Cameron.
10:46Says the man about to say something disrespectful.
10:49Fucking Rudshire looks nothing like Ireland and is ignorant to even suggest that we would
10:54ever...
10:54We should be trying to film wherever is least expensive.
10:56I don't want the maths club running the drama group, all right?
10:59Oh, hello, children.
11:01Uh, there's nobody in the kitchen.
11:05Okay, uh, take a seat and we'll find you some cookies or something.
11:09Huh, Shelley?
11:12You don't want the maths club running the drama group.
11:14I don't want the drama group being irresponsible with Venturer's program budget.
11:22Oh, my God.
11:24You little shit.
11:26Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:27Come on.
11:27The timing was good.
11:29Cameron's articated.
11:31Ew, I can smell it.
11:32Thank you, darling.
11:33I'm just going to speak to her.
11:41Hey, uh.
11:45Why don't you take her with you?
11:47Show the landscape, make her fall in love with the place.
11:51You want me to take Cameron to Ireland?
11:54Why am I suspicious?
11:58I can really use a few days alone with the kids.
12:02Try and talk to them about this new relationship.
12:08Can I help me out here?
12:12Yeah.
12:13Yeah, I'll help.
12:18Taggy!
12:20Taggy, I've got your...
12:24Dish.
12:28Hello?
12:30Freddie.
12:33You been okay?
12:39Not great.
12:42No, me neither.
12:44No bloody coffees.
12:46No bloody coffees.
12:46So, hello, Lizzie.
12:48Sorry, snatching a moment.
12:50Didn't mean to interrupt.
12:51Oh, no, don't worry.
12:52I don't know why Muggins here has been left to make the coffee while Shelley's sat on her arse with
12:55her tin of family circle.
12:57I always prefer to sit near the biscuits.
12:59Yes, I am.
13:04How many times have you shagged now?
13:07Once.
13:08And never again.
13:10Surely not.
13:12I'd imagine Mr Jones is a very considerate lover.
13:14I'm married.
13:15Yes, to James Verica.
13:17We can't all just do what we want, Rupert.
13:20The rules are there to stop people getting hurt.
13:22That's why most of us try to stick to them.
13:24I came to give this back to Taggy.
13:27We were all quite surprised when you moved Cameron into Pensacom Court.
13:31Well, I hope it's working out.
13:45Beaver?
13:47Fetch!
13:47I'll only be a few days in Ireland.
13:50Honestly, how is he my son with an underarm like that?
13:55You won't do anything silly, will you, if Tony comes prowling around?
13:58He's in with a show jumping trophy.
14:02If he had anything on us, he'd have used it by now.
14:04Look, I said I would be here to look after you, and I will.
14:08Mm-mm.
14:09I think you like that you rescued me.
14:11What happens when I don't need taken care of anymore?
14:13Yeah, I might have rescued you the first time, but the second time you rescued yourself, and I like that
14:17very much.
14:21Well, I guess Tabitha's not coming to say goodbye.
14:23Look, I know she's been a little toad.
14:27I've never had a woman here at the same time as the children.
14:30Whatever else I've done, I've stuck to that, so of course she's rattled by meeting you.
14:33It's your own bloody fault for making me adore you enough to break the rules.
14:39You know what?
14:40I'm going to miss you.
14:47And I'll miss you too, Blue.
14:50Bye, Marcus.
14:51Bye.
14:58Do you think she'll come back?
15:02Why wouldn't she?
15:24Are you lost?
15:27Oh.
15:28Sorry you're upset.
15:31I'm Taggy.
15:32I live in the house down there.
15:35I like your purple skirt.
15:37I always wanted one, but my knees are too knobbly.
15:41Hey, this is Gertrude.
15:43She's a good listener.
15:44I tell her all my problems.
15:45Your advice isn't very good, though.
15:47She mainly just woofs and girls.
15:52You think you can tell her what's wrong?
15:54Daddy doesn't love me anymore.
15:59There you are.
16:04Um, darling, what did I tell you about running away?
16:06This is Taggy, Daddy.
16:08She lives down there.
16:09Yeah, we've, uh...
16:12We've met.
16:12Can she come to tea, Daddy?
16:14Please, please?
16:15Oh, um...
16:18Yeah, come and have some tea, why not?
16:21Um, I've got to get home, but another day, okay?
16:26Come on, pup.
16:30Okay, home time.
16:34I don't think she likes you, Daddy.
16:44Good morning, Rudsha.
16:46What a beautiful, sunny morning it is, too.
16:49With the general election only days away,
16:51this morning we'll be asking if Rudsha will stay as conservative as ever,
16:55or if local MPs,
16:57Wubert Campbell-Black for Chalford and Bisley
16:59and Paul Strassen for Conchester
17:01should be watching their backs
17:03for a potential liberal landslide.
17:12And here is the kitchen,
17:14where you'll be making all the magic happen.
17:17Cooker,
17:18fridge here,
17:19pantry,
17:20a walk-in cupboard there,
17:21that's where Paul keeps all the wine and whatnot.
17:23Um, you're happy with the recipe?
17:25It's just I know that
17:26reading's a struggle for you, isn't it,
17:28with your...
17:29dyslexia.
17:29Oh, I'm fine.
17:30I've got everything.
17:34For writing it out so big.
17:35No, I know beef.
17:36It's a bit much, isn't it,
17:37for a summer dinner party,
17:38but, well, it's his favourite.
17:40My husband's favourite, I mean.
17:42And with the election
17:43and Paul needs all the TV coverage you can get.
17:45Oh, of course.
17:46And you don't mind staying in the kitchen tonight,
17:49do you?
17:49It's just, it's a bit awkward,
17:51you being venturer.
17:52Oh.
17:52Daddy doesn't know,
17:53but he can't really complain,
17:55we need the money.
17:55Ah.
17:56Well, just don't go poisoning
17:57all of Carinium in my dining room.
18:01Seriously, though,
18:02you really mustn't let anyone see you.
18:03Oh.
18:04OK.
18:05I've rather given the impression
18:06that I'm doing the cooking tonight,
18:07so I really need everything to be perfect.
18:10Right.
18:13OK, well, I'm going to go to the hairdressers.
18:16Um, don't answer the door,
18:17but if somebody calls,
18:18just pretend to be the daily, OK?
18:21Oh, sure.
18:22Um, what if anyone sees me in the kitchen tonight?
18:25Shh.
18:30Stuck into the pantry.
18:36This afternoon, the MP for Chalford and Bisley
18:39was in Stroud with his children
18:40to open the newest branch of Waitrose,
18:42armed with a very large pair of scissors.
18:45And three, two, one.
18:47Yay!
18:48Well done, kids.
18:49No, delighted to drop in on our walk around Stroud.
18:51Waitrose is absolutely the best place
18:53to pick up a nice hunk of Codswell bloom.
19:01No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:03God, no, you idiot.
19:08Um...
19:10OK.
19:11OK.
19:12OK.
19:13Oh.
19:17Uh...
19:20Uh...
19:21Uh...
19:21Uh...
19:22Mrs Stratton-Bishopin, thank you very much.
19:25That's the worst Roger accent I've ever heard, Sarah, is Rupert.
19:29It's...
19:30It's not Sarah.
19:32Is that Taggy?
19:33Sarah said to pretend to be a daily.
19:36Um, uh...
19:37I'm actually after Paul.
19:38Um...
19:39Is he there?
19:39It's party business.
19:41Shit.
19:42Oh.
19:45Darling, what is it?
19:46I'm making Mrs Stratton's favourite beef
19:48from the white elephant in Payne's Wig
19:49and I've just dropped all the salt on it
19:51and now it's ruined.
19:52Oh, Angel.
19:54Well, can you make it again?
19:55No, it's too late.
19:56The butcher shuts up for...
19:57God, it ruined everything.
20:00All right, leave it with me.
20:01Uh, you get on with the starter
20:02and I'll be there in an hour.
20:04No, you don't have to do that.
20:08But there's an awful lot to do.
20:10Sorry, Gerald.
20:11I'm rescuing a constituent.
20:12Give me that, my money!
20:14Can't have it.
20:14It's free parking.
20:15Not three pounds.
20:32It's radice on the mountaintop
20:36Burning like a silver flame
20:39For some in the beauty and love
20:43The Venus doesn't make
20:47She's got it
20:49Yeah, baby, she's got it
20:56I'm your Venus
20:57I'm your fire
20:59You're fire
21:06Are you nearly done?
21:07They're sitting down
21:08Well, some of them
21:09Nearly, nearly
21:11Oh, quick, someone's coming
21:13Quick, here
21:13I just have to go
21:18Gorgeous canapes, Sarah
21:20Oh, thanks so much
21:21Yes, I love those
21:24Taggy O'Hara makes them
21:25Taggy O'Hara makes them
21:25Yes
21:26Yes, I asked for the recipe
21:29Oh
21:31What are you cooking us?
21:32I'm cooking Luigi's famous beef dobe
21:35I had to almost sleep with him to get the recipe
21:37But that's Tony's favourite
21:39I can't wait to tell him
21:40Can I do anything?
21:42Yes, will you tell the men to bloody well sit down?
21:44God, it's like herding cats, isn't it?
21:46Where's your glass, Lizzie?
21:48We've put you down again
21:49Yeah
21:54Sarah?
21:55Sorry, did I make you jump?
21:57I'm so sorry for bringing your nemesis
21:59Mother's not well tonight
22:01BT overheard me on the phone
22:03And insisted she come along with me instead
22:04I couldn't stop her
22:06Don't worry, I put her next to James
22:08Oh, actually, you
22:12Can take this in for me
22:13I need no second bidding
22:22Now, can I take these?
22:24Are these ready to go?
22:25Oh, I'm not really ready
22:26But they look ready
22:27Actually, yes, they're ready
22:29Sorry
22:30Wow, and just remind me again
22:32What are these?
22:33It's trout mousse with a cucumber salad and Melba toast
22:36And did it take me long to make it?
22:38Not really, because we're very good at cooking
22:46Beef daub for eight
22:47Direct from Luigi at the White Elephant
22:49Oh, my goodness
22:50You're a lifesaver
22:51Thank you
22:51Oh, look, it's the same dish
22:53Do you mind?
22:58Does your father know you're cooking for the enemy?
23:00This is the strangest job I have
23:03It's Sarah, quick
23:09I knew Sarah wasn't cooking
23:11Oh, my God, please don't say anything
23:12I'll be in such trouble
23:13I said I was going to the loo
23:16Why don't you use the upstairs one?
23:17Well, I don't need the loo
23:18That's okay
23:19Okay
23:23What are the herbs on top?
23:24Monica's asking
23:25Oh, and Dill
23:25Dill?
23:28Paul wants horseradish
23:29Oh, Sarah
23:29No, no, not in there
23:33What the hell are you doing here?
23:35I just popped round to see Taggy
23:37Sarah
23:38Wait
23:42I have to speak to you
23:43I'm hosting a dinner party, James
23:45It can't wait
23:46I'm sure it can
23:47I am going crackers
23:48Apparently, you are pregnant
23:52Why did you hear that?
23:53Audrey told me at work
23:54Is it true?
23:55Is it mine?
23:56No
23:56I'm getting rid of it, alright?
23:58Just
23:58Please, don't say anything
24:02Sarah, you're in the kitchen
24:03I'm getting in a block
24:06I'm fine
24:11Everything alright, darling?
24:12Yes
24:12Why?
24:13I don't know
24:14I've seen a bit
24:15Well, so do you
24:16This is terribly important
24:18I know
24:19My insides are not right at all
24:21It's probably just herbs
24:23Go upstairs and swing some of that
24:24Back to business
24:25Yeah, it's alright
24:27Oh
24:28Oh
24:28Oh
24:31Someone was in the other loo, so I went upstairs
24:33No problem
24:34Very good
24:35Go and sit down
24:37Have a drink
24:38Another drink
24:49Get back in there before Lizzie sees you're gone
24:51God, Sarah, I can't tell you the relief
24:58It's not mine, is it?
25:00No
25:00Fuck off
25:01Get me the horseradish
25:02Middle shelf
25:02I don't know what the horseradish is
25:04Let me
25:05I don't know what the horseradish is
25:07I'll just be a second
25:07Oh, God
25:10What does a girl have to do to get a proper drink around here?
25:14Murder a Scotch
25:16Are we alone?
25:17Looks like it
25:19Our plan is coming together deliciously
25:22I genuinely think it might lose a particular unlovely person
25:25Their particularly lovely job
25:27Beautiful music to my ears
25:29You just need to keep a certain person out of my way
25:36Oh
25:37Hello, you two
25:38Talking shop again, are we?
25:40Well, you really are the most attentive host
25:42Every time I turn around, there you are
25:43Well, actually, I was just popping in for this cheeky little burgundy
25:47To go with the beef
25:48What do you say, Tony?
25:49Shall we rip the knickers off?
25:50Oh, God, absolutely
25:51Excuse me, I mustn't leave Monica
25:54Oh, did I mention what a wonderful job you're doing on the election campaigns?
25:57Because Sarah has learnt so much from you
25:59Well, she had a great deal to learn
26:04Right
26:11This is my very important dinner party
26:13All right, so I have to go back in there
26:14Because people are going to start asking where I am
26:17Please, get the main course ready
26:18And try not to do anything more to fuck up my night
26:21Fine
26:22Oh, Jesus
26:23What can I do?
26:25Can you take this one with you?
26:31Hide the evidence
26:31Of course
26:32And this is definitely the salty one
26:34Yes
26:34Thank you so much for tonight
26:37Wish I could pay you back
26:39I mean, return the favour
26:44Well, actually
26:46There is one thing you could help me with
26:48Oh, yeah?
26:49Once we've escaped from cold eggs
26:52This is just you
26:52Can I just tell you something to you?
26:55About what?
26:56The entire purpose of this evening
26:58Getting my face on Coridium television
27:00No, but he can't last you
27:02Still in here, can he?
27:04Oh, do me a favour
27:05Crack open another bottle of red
27:06This is really ploughing through it
27:08Yeah, Roger, both of you
27:12All aboard
27:20Oh, God, she took it
27:22What do we do?
27:22Oh, God
27:24You'll have to go in there
27:25I can't go in there
27:25Well, I really can't go in there
27:27Oh, watch it
27:28Oh, it's the wrong beef
27:30What?
27:30You'll regret it if you argue, darling
27:32Just run and get the beef
27:33What?
27:34Hold on, guys
27:35Yeah
27:35Oh, hang on
27:36Just
27:44What the hell is going on?
27:46Everyone in there thinks I'm Batty
27:47Just say you forgot to garnish it
27:49Sarah!
27:51What?
27:51Oh, my God
27:55Is everything all right, Tom?
27:58Sarah
27:59What is the daughter of Tony Battingham's greatest enemy doing in our kitchen?
28:03Oh, please, God, don't tell me she cooked the dinner
28:08It's no good
28:10It's no good
28:11I'm never going to be able to cook like Winifred
28:13Darling, I just wanted your night to be perfect
28:16So I got Taggy to come and help me
28:17I've been in the pantry
28:19Sarah's done most of it
28:21You want to find out, Paulie?
28:23Come on, nobody's seen her
28:25As long as there's absolutely no chance of Tony finding out
28:28Absolutely none
28:30Yeah
28:32Come on, darling
28:32Why don't you go back in there
28:34And top up everyone's wine
28:36Could have been worse, you know
28:36Could have been a Rupert Campbell fuckface in this kitchen
28:45I'm so sorry
28:46But the Royal Luigi cooked this one
28:47It's really good
28:51Yes, so I hear
28:53Thank you
28:54Good luck in there
28:56Go
28:57Out
28:58Hey, what the hell are you playing here?
29:00What?
29:01It's going around the whole party
29:01Apparently you've got a secret
29:03If I hear so much as a whisperer
29:05I haven't told anyone
29:06I can't help it if you have
29:07Sarah
29:08What?
29:09Get in
29:10Get in
29:12Darling
29:13Huh?
29:14I can't seem to get Tony on his own
29:16Now I'm chatting up B.T. Johnson
29:18Only I may have done too much
29:19I made her think that I'm up for a clinch in the cloak
29:21God
29:21No, I'm still looking for the whiskey
29:23Oh, God
29:24Hide me, hide me, hide me
29:31Wine pantry, aren't we posh?
29:38Tony
29:39Paul
29:43So listen, while I've got you
29:44I wonder if you might see fit to get me on the Cotswold Roundup sofa this week
29:49My final push before the election, you know
29:52Win it for the blues
29:55No, yes, no
29:56No
29:57I'm not sure we're going to do that
29:58I'm sure we're going to make that happen
30:01Marvellous
30:01Thank you
30:02Thank you so much
30:04Um
30:05After you
30:09Ah
30:10Oh
30:12There you are
30:12And you found Tony
30:14Good
30:15Good
30:16Um, darling
30:17P.T. wants a scotch
30:18So would you take that in for me?
30:20I might join her in one, actually
30:22Tony
30:26I'm seeing the Harley Street doctor next week
30:27Right?
30:28So what's all this about secrets?
30:33I didn't cook this
30:35Right?
30:36It's not about the baby
30:38Listen to me
30:39You get yourself unpregnated as quickly as possible
30:41Or no more dinner parties
30:42Huh?
30:44No more uncensored
30:45You got it?
30:46You are off the show till you sort yourself out
30:57Oh my god
31:14Steal me
31:15Leave it
31:16Leave it
31:16Don't
31:17Don't
31:18Loan
31:25Oh, I'm sorry about that, everybody. It must be dope.
31:37Oh, I do love them to come.
31:39But Taggy O'Hara cooked the whole thing.
31:42And Sarah had her hiding in the kitchen all night.
31:45No! There's Gerald!
31:48Don't forget to vote tomorrow. Rupert Campbell Black.
31:51There he is.
31:53Hello.
31:54Hello.
31:55Beautiful day, Forrest.
31:56Hello, Georgie girl. Oh, aren't you a beauty?
32:01Does Tony know you're fraternising with the enemy, Monica?
32:04Oh, we've all known each other far too long for any of that silliness.
32:08You, me and Hermione were spiking the punch at the Junior Humborg
32:11before any of us even knew what a television franchise was.
32:15Muffy, your godmother was quite the firecracker, you know.
32:18Oh.
32:19Derry, darling. Do you want some help?
32:21Mummy, will you take David back?
32:23Of course.
32:24Can I have fun?
32:25Cheerio.
32:26Come on, David.
32:26Yes, give me some of those.
32:27Lovely to see her so happy.
32:29Do you know I really never thought she'd find anyone.
32:32Rupert Campbell Black?
32:33Yes.
32:34Quite something.
32:35Isn't she your Muffy?
32:37She's a trooper.
32:39Must say there's something of a surprise, Polo.
32:42Yes.
32:43Sorry.
32:44Um, you were away when it all happened.
32:47I mean, I didn't know you liked, um...
32:52Dogs and horses?
32:53Yes.
32:54Exactly.
32:55Well, you know what it's like when you find your person.
32:58Suddenly everything about you makes sense.
33:03So you have to screw the corners down really tight.
33:06No.
33:08No.
33:10Then you have to leave it for several weeks.
33:12Weeks.
33:13It teaches you patience, don't it?
33:14Done it with my brownies a few times.
33:16They love it.
33:17Do you go to brownies, Tab?
33:18You only go to brownies if you haven't got a pony.
33:23Oh, we can use them to decorate cards once they're pressed,
33:26like these ones I made.
33:27What's Taggy short for?
33:28Agatha.
33:29Isn't that awful?
33:30Tabitha's so much nicer.
33:32I don't like it if people call me Tabby at school.
33:34Sounds like a cat.
33:36Well, my parents call me Tag, which sounds a lot like Tab.
33:39If Mark has shouted Tab, we both go charging into the room
33:41and bump into each other in the doorway.
33:47If you come to Warwickshire, you can see Biscuit, my new pony.
33:49Oh, I'd love that.
33:51Tab!
33:52Here we are!
33:55Daddy, could Taggy come back to Warwickshire with us tonight and see Biscuit?
33:59See Biscuit?
34:00That's another horse entirely.
34:01Please, Daddy.
34:02She can come and get burgers with us on the way.
34:03Oh, I said I'd give Mrs Irma left times.
34:06By a walk.
34:07It's not far.
34:08You go see the pony.
34:11Blanche?
34:15Yes!
34:16Yes!
34:17I can't wait for you to eat Biscuit.
34:19Come on!
34:20OK, OK, OK.
34:21I'm coming, I'm coming.
34:22What Tabitha says goes.
34:24Last one to the chorus, a filthy rascal!
34:25Go, go, go, go, go!
34:37Table 11, I'm ready for drinks, don't I?
34:46Oh, no!
34:47A little quick check on 12, OK?
34:49Yeah.
34:52Braw the house down.
34:54Everything good, Mr Campbell Black?
34:56Perfect.
34:57I'll have another, please.
34:59I can.
34:59And the pudding menu.
35:01Coming up.
35:02You can have pudding if Cameron's not here.
35:04Horrid Cameron thinks fruit salad is a pudding.
35:06Yuck!
35:07Oh, Cameron's not horrid.
35:08You know, when I first met her, I did think she was a bit scary.
35:12Even Daddy probably thought she was a bit scary.
35:15I was terrified.
35:18If Cameron and Dad got married, she'd be our stepmother.
35:20I'm not calling her mother!
35:22You don't have to.
35:24Malise doesn't make you call him Dad, does he?
35:27You're so lucky, all these extra grown-ups you've got.
35:30Are you one of our grown-ups?
35:32I could be your grown-up friend, if you like.
35:43Delicious as ever, Basil.
35:45Is that the wine or the girl?
35:46You bet.
35:49And this is for you.
35:54It was!
35:55It was!
35:57Didn't realise you'd lifted the ban on super-villains.
36:00Closest place to Carinium for an off-campus cabal.
36:04Don't worry, I charge him double.
36:06Been discussing all the programme ideas, you've pinched.
36:08Not pinching anything.
36:10We have everything we need.
36:11Just spending time with the family, same as you.
36:14Oh, I'm not going to congratulate you.
36:15I had no idea you had three such beautiful children.
36:21Do have a good evening, won't you?
36:41Mr Stratton, welcome back to Carinium.
36:44Good to see you.
36:46And can I just say, I'll definitely be voting for you tomorrow.
36:49That's very kind.
36:51Thank you, Doreen.
36:53Dear Trina.
36:53Of course, the weather forecast looks perfect for a stroll into town tomorrow, but don't
36:59forget to vote on the way to the ice cream van.
37:02And can I just say, from all of us here, and of course, we would say this to candidates
37:05from all the parties, that we wish you the very best of luck winning Conchester.
37:10Well, of course, I'm hoping to continue to serve the fine people of Conchester, but frankly,
37:15I'm already the luckiest man alive.
37:17And in fact, Sarah and I expect to be rather busy in the coming months.
37:21Oh, well, wonderful.
37:22And as I...
37:22Because we're having a baby.
37:31I'm sorry, what?
37:35We could be happier, actually.
37:38Of course, things have changed since I first became a father.
37:40I gather men change nappies now.
37:44Well, and how wonderful to hear it here first on Cotswold Roundup.
37:50Now, after the break, pie, cottage, shepherds, or just humble.
37:55Christ!
37:56Oh, how the bloody hell did he find out?
37:58I didn't tell him, I swear.
38:00So we don't know who it was, but we don't know what else they know.
38:06Oh, my God.
38:07I'm going to have to go through with it now.
38:15People have babies every day, you'll work it out.
38:19Go home and celebrate with your husband.
38:27It's uncensored tonight.
38:29Please, let me do the show.
38:31Please, let me be brilliant and make it up to you.
38:32You're in no state.
38:33BT will do without you as plan.
38:35But...
38:35We're not changing the show now.
38:38I told you, you're off the show until you sort your little problem out.
38:41To my eyes, the problem has.
38:43If anything, it suddenly got rather bigger, hasn't it?
38:46Go on.
38:58We're going to do it tonight.
39:00Just as planned.
39:01Oh, yes.
39:02All guns blazing.
39:06Jane, Jane.
39:13How did you find out?
39:14I saw Winifred pregnant a number of times, remember?
39:17I know the signs.
39:21So, are you planning on telling me at any point over the next six months or are you just going
39:25to pop out shopping Monday and come here with the baby?
39:29How could you expose me like that?
39:31On live television, announcing it like it was part of your election campaign?
39:36I announced it because I think you might be under some pressure to get rid of it.
39:44I don't want you to.
39:48I heard Tony talking to you about a termination.
39:54Don't I get a say?
40:00It's my child too.
40:08So selfish.
40:09I'm selfish.
40:10You were the one considering getting rid of it for all the sake of your career.
40:13At least my career's going well.
40:15Do you know?
40:16A lot of women would be glad to have a baby with a father who's already been through it.
40:19Oh, yeah.
40:20I'm sure you were really invaluable.
40:22Did you trap Winifred?
40:23Hmm?
40:25Like you've trapped me?
40:26Unlike you, she wasn't constantly on the lookout for an escape.
40:29I bet she's glad she got one in the end.
40:32If you disgusted her even half as much as you disgust me.
40:36God.
40:37I'm done.
40:38I'm done.
40:39I'm done.
40:41I hope you lose your seat to the monster raving loonies.
40:52Mama.
40:53Hey, sweetheart.
40:55Hey, Tab.
40:56Did you have a good time?
40:57Yes, we really did.
40:58Hi.
40:59Hi.
40:59Mummy, this is Peggy.
41:00Yes.
41:01We've met before.
41:02She's a babysitter and she is brilliant.
41:04I'm taking her to meet Biscuit.
41:06Come on.
41:06Oh.
41:07Marcus, you're coming?
41:10Babysitter.
41:11Hm.
41:12She's Declan O'Hara's daughter.
41:14There was a woman here this morning with a film crew.
41:17Carinium.
41:19You speak to them?
41:20No, of course not.
41:20I told her to get the hell off of my driveway.
41:23You should know there's some people sniffing around.
41:25It's the election, probably.
41:29How is Venice?
41:31Oh, cultural heaven.
41:33You want to see the photos?
41:35No, thank you.
41:42Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?
41:45He'll say hello for a polo.
41:47Look.
41:48Do you want a polo biscuit?
41:49Biscuit?
41:50Biscuit!
41:52I think that's a yes.
41:54Here you go.
41:55Oh, biscuit!
41:56Oh.
41:57Say hello to Taggy.
42:04What?
42:05Your children are very beautiful.
42:07Not surprising, I suppose, with such a beautiful mother.
42:10Is it agony when you see her now?
42:12Oh, agony.
42:13She bores the fucking tits on you.
42:14Can't think how I stayed married to her for seven years.
42:17How many of these puts up a little done out?
42:18Well, he's much older, isn't he?
42:19Yeah.
42:19When he talks about the war, he means the Crimean.
42:25Well.
42:26How did you meet him?
42:27He was my chef to keep.
42:29Oh, a chef, like me.
42:31No, um...
42:32Why?
42:33Chef, as in boss, French.
42:34He ran the British showtopic team.
42:36Oh.
42:36Uh, I suppose he was my mentor.
42:39My Mr. Miyagi.
42:42Must have been hard to lose him to...
42:46The only thing that really...
42:49irks me is that Millie's succeeded where I failed.
42:56I can't honestly say that I've ever made any woman happy.
43:01Not for very long.
43:09I'll babysit any time you like.
43:11I mean, I don't want to tread on Cameron's toes.
43:13Oh God, I wish Cameron could handle the kids as well as you do.
43:18You're gonna make an incredible mother one day.
43:25I wish...
43:33You're lovely with them.
43:37I've seen a different side of you today.
43:57It's been a lovely day.
43:59One of those days you don't want the sun to go down.
44:05You know, by the time Helen left me, I could hardly better look at her.
44:10Nothing she had done.
44:13Just cause of the hurt I could see in her eyes.
44:24I must never do it again.
44:31I mean it, Tag. I mustn't.
44:33I won't break you too.
44:47I did it.
44:48I left him. I left Paul.
44:50Oh, Jesus.
44:53I should go.
44:54Thanks for today. I'll call.
44:57I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go.
45:00I...
45:00I don't really have any friends.
45:14I love a cheese sandwich.
45:17Thanks Shelley.
45:20Is that chutney?
45:21No, it's jam.
45:24We're back.
45:25Surprise.
45:26Hello guys.
45:27You're not back till tomorrow?
45:28We raced home to tell you the news.
45:30You tell them.
45:31No, you.
45:32The BBC called me at the hotel in Ireland.
45:35They've greenlit Yeats.
45:37That's amazing.
45:39Oh, thank Christ.
45:41So now I can cut the tags off my Ventura T-shirt?
45:43You can.
45:47But oh my God.
45:48They want it delivered in three months.
45:50We got an early flight back because there's so much to do.
45:53Let's get to work.
45:57Why was Taggy O'Hara here?
45:59Babysitting.
46:00I was worried when I found you with her in my pantry.
46:02She's far too young.
46:05What does age even mean?
46:08It's just a number.
46:09Yeah, it's just a number now.
46:11Imagine what it'd be like in a few years.
46:12He'd be like me and Paul.
46:13Oh, God.
46:14Sarah.
46:17Why are you here?
46:20Uncensored's going out tonight without me.
46:22BT's presenting it solo and I think she's going to stitch me up.
46:27I think she knows something about me.
46:32And now everything's going to be ruined.
46:35She's going to crucify me live on national television.
46:39I think that's enough.
46:40Get off.
46:42Hey.
46:51My sabbatte.
46:53Let's go.
46:57Annette.
47:00Eva.
47:06Speaker 1
47:08Oh, yes.
47:17Preparing to go live.
47:21Five, four, three, two, one.
47:27And cue Beattie.
47:30Good evening, and welcome to Uncensored, the naughtiest show on the network.
47:35The beady-eyed among you might have noticed I'm by myself this evening.
47:39Sarah's getting some rest.
47:40Due to the pregnancy announced this afternoon on Carinium, on tonight's very special edition,
47:45we uncover the scandal behind the polished facade of a national treasure.
47:48Here we go.
47:50Whatever she says about you, we'll work it out, okay?
47:54Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black.
48:00You might want to fasten your seatbelts for this.
48:03It's going to be quite a ride.
48:53I'll see you next time.
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