- 2 hours ago
The King of Queens S03E14 Ctrl Episode 14 Engsub
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00:04a paintball party you say it like you've never heard those two words together all right so let
00:09me get this straight we drive a hundred miles up into the Catskills in order to run around in the
00:14muck and shoot balls of paint at each other yes it's Deacon's birthday you don't think maybe the
00:23guy should get to choose what he wants to do on his own birthday honey you really want to do
00:27this
00:28I don't care yes he does fine can't afford to paint the house but we can cram it into guns
00:34and shoot it at each other what are you running from okay can we order now I'm starving I come
00:42knowing what I want
01:08burger looks good
01:29how's that that's good
01:31my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight
01:37I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight
01:41but I don't care cause all I want to do
01:47is cash my check and drive right home to you
01:53cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you
02:13if you like what the girls do during the day wait till you see you midnight stay tuned for more
02:18college girls crazy and real
02:20all right 200 channels and nothing on it's okay Doug you can watch your college sluts in Rio
02:30not my college sluts and just so you know next time we're out and you see a girl you think
02:36is hot you can look I can yes just don't be a jerk when you do it like that thing
02:41you do with your eyes it's so creepy doesn't that hurt a little but I push through
02:46the con you know what I'm saying I mean just because we're married doesn't mean we're not gonna be attracted
02:51to other people once in a while
02:53you know it's okay I mean I would be worried if you weren't like Jamie my Neil girl you think
02:59she's hot right no Doug yes
03:02you see it's okay you could just tell me you don't have to lurk outside the salon window when you
03:08come to pick me up
03:10she's purr yes she is so come on anybody else you could tell me
03:18yeah well I guess it's Maggie at the dry cleaners oh and this toll taker on the white stone bridge
03:25I mean from the waist up she's mwah
03:27the rest of her that's anybody's guess
03:30that's why you didn't get easy pass
03:34so who revs old carry-up huh
03:37all right um well I ain't hating that kid Pedro at the car wash
03:42whoa what the young buff and illegal good choice good choice
03:47so who else come on I want to want to know what kind of nympho I'm dealing with here
03:51okay um well the sparklets guy
03:54okay Eric at the office
03:57deacon
04:00oh and that guy who power walks his greyhound in the morning
04:05I'm pretty sure he's gay though you don't have to worry about it I mean those little shorts right
04:09right
04:10it's a deacon huh
04:12yeah deacon among others
04:14but among others
04:16deacon
04:18yeah
04:19some lady's got a thing for deacon
04:21want some deacon and eggs
04:24I don't have a thing for him and it's no more of a big deal than the ones you said
04:29not a big deal just a fun fact you know like a like a fruit fly lives for a day
04:33and my wife's hot for my best friend
04:36I would've thunk it
04:38I don't know
04:42and we are back
04:43New York down to
04:49nothing I just noticed that your ear is a little small for your head
04:54a little bit just a little bit
04:57I'll tell you Doug this is great hanging like this
05:00yeah glad you could make it guy
05:01I mean before my pizza place went out of business I wouldn't have time for this stuff
05:05too busy making a living
05:09everything works out for a reason
05:10I'll tell you I am really looking forward to this paintball party
05:13I could use a little relaxation
05:19you spot me right up there
05:21what happened to your car
05:23I sold it to buy a karaoke machine to pump up business
05:26a little late on that fad
05:31I can take eight in my minivan
05:33who's going
05:34oh let's see you got us
05:36plus Carrie, Kelly
05:38my sister Stephanie
05:39yeah right with us Danny
05:42hey guys
05:43hey man
05:44what's happening
05:44I was just driving by
05:47couldn't help noticing all the cars of my friends
05:50come on man
05:51this wasn't planned
05:53it just sort of happened
05:54and I suppose hot wings just happened
05:58can you stop
05:59hey you remember my cousin Danny right
06:01hey man
06:01good to see you again
06:02hello
06:03come on now
06:04sit down
06:05hang out
06:05watch a game
06:09I would
06:10but my seat is
06:12occupado
06:13sit here okay
06:14I'm going back to the house
06:16anybody want anything
06:17some more hot wings
06:18geek
06:19no thanks man
06:20trying to drop a few pounds
06:21good
06:22great you're on top of that
06:25man I didn't know
06:26Doug's sister was coming on this paintball thing
06:28I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go
06:29why not
06:30well like ten years ago
06:32we all went on this big ski trip
06:34shared this big condo
06:36yeah so
06:36yeah so
06:38we had a couple drinks
06:39and let's just say
06:40I threw one her way
06:41huh
06:42that's very sweet of you
06:44told her that I really liked her
06:46I promised that I'd call
06:47as soon as we got back to the city
06:48here's the kicker
06:51I never did
06:53get out
06:56so
06:56Deke
06:57the big three three
06:59hey
07:00we've got to do something special
07:02for your birthday
07:02oh we are
07:03it does throw me a paintball party
07:05upstate
07:06what
07:07I told you like a month ago
07:08you remember
07:09you
07:09you called it a barbaric throwback
07:11to the worst in human nature
07:13I just say things
07:14to hear myself talk
07:16you know that
07:17well the thing is
07:19I mean the teams
07:19they got to be even
07:20and
07:20I uh
07:22I already invited Danny
07:25oh
07:26I see
07:27um
07:28hey
07:29I'm late for a thing
07:30uh goodbye
07:32hold on Spence
07:33you can come
07:34no no
07:35I wouldn't want to uneven
07:36your precious teams
07:38Spence
07:38it's okay
07:39forget it
07:40I don't want to get in the way
07:41of all this time
07:42you've been spending
07:42with your little cousin
07:43and by the way
07:45I know about the Jets game
07:48I only took Danny
07:49cause she's going through
07:49a hard time right now
07:50now you're coming to paintball
07:51you got it
07:52no
07:52you're coming
07:53even if I gotta tackle you
07:54and strap you to the hood of my car
07:55what are you on this fence for
07:57because my wife thinks you're hot
08:02honey
08:03come on
08:03we got about a million people
08:04to pick up
08:05alright
08:05coming
08:08I am one
08:09handsome black man
08:13what are you doing
08:14staring at yourself in the mirror
08:15how do you keep your hands off me
08:18what is with you today
08:20nothing
08:22oh
08:22some little honey on your route
08:24thought you were fine
08:24nope
08:26at least not anyone on my route
08:28so who then
08:29oh
08:30better not tell you
08:31don't want to get you jealous
08:32and get those claws out
08:34oh please honey
08:35I think I can handle it
08:38oh my god
08:48just take us and clean fresh air
09:08All right, people, listen up.
09:10Okay, now the object is to capture your enemy's flag.
09:12Okay, now remember, we're out here to have fun, but also to kill.
09:17Any questions?
09:23Okay, then.
09:27Here, hon, let me help you with that.
09:28I got it.
09:29But maybe you ought to go help your girlfriend.
09:36Need some help with that?
09:37No, I think I got it.
09:42Been a long time, huh?
09:43Has it?
09:45You look real good.
09:47You mean I'm not the fat cow I used to be?
09:50Yeah, right.
09:52Okay, well, let's get this show on the road.
09:54Where the hell is Carrie?
09:59Okay, that was unpleasant.
10:00Okay, would you hurry up?
10:01We're choosing a peens.
10:02Oh, I'm sorry.
10:03It was so lovely in there.
10:04I lingered.
10:06Could you make a little effort to enjoy this?
10:08If not for me, at least for Deacon?
10:11Hey, would you stop with that already?
10:14You're the one who can't stop loving him.
10:17Yeah, that's right, Doug.
10:18I got it bad for Deacon.
10:19Guess what?
10:20We're planning to kill you and run away with your millions.
10:24Hey, come on, man.
10:25Let's choose sides to get this paper war started.
10:26You can have first pick.
10:28Let me see.
10:30Who would I like to have by my side?
10:34I will take Kelly.
10:36Get over here, Miss Foxy Brown.
10:38Come on, Colonel.
10:40Okay.
10:40You got my wife.
10:41I'll take yours.
10:42Carrie.
10:42Come on, sugar.
10:44Yes, this just feels right.
10:47Yeah?
10:48Well, we could just stop picking right now and we'd have a winning team.
10:51Oh, yeah?
10:51Well, so can we.
10:54I guess we better keep picking, though.
10:57I'll take Lewis.
11:02Why doesn't someone just give me a wedgie now and complete my humiliation?
11:07Well, I told you it'd be extra.
11:08Well, what are we going to do?
11:09Excuse me.
11:14Do you need any additional personnel?
11:19Yeah, great.
11:19We'll get you some equipment.
11:21No need?
11:22I have all the necessary equipment in my vehicle.
11:37Okay, how long are we going to sit here?
11:38Because I've got to be honest, I really thought there was going to be a lot more running and shooting.
11:42This is a lot of lurking.
11:44Shh.
11:45It's just that we only rented the field until 2.30.
11:47After that, we've got to pay extra.
11:48Shh.
11:48Okay, you don't have to shush me.
11:50Okay?
11:51I'm a person.
11:52I'm going to sit here for 45 minutes, okay?
11:54I want to start shooting people.
11:55Doug, yelling at me will not keep your wife from lusting after your best friend.
12:01How did you know that?
12:03I believe the question is, how did you not know?
12:08They're not having an affair or anything, you know?
12:10She just thinks he's kind of attractive.
12:14But it doesn't really matter.
12:15And it's eating you alive.
12:17Yes, it is.
12:18Yep.
12:21Yes, sir!
12:24Ah!
12:26Ah!
12:33Time for a second coat.
12:36Ow!
12:37It's just a game, you psycho!
12:39Let's go, Doug!
12:41Doug, I'm sorry.
12:42Are you all right, man?
12:42Doug!
12:43I'm out of here.
12:57I'm out of here.
12:57Try and take my place.
13:00Think again, pizza boy.
13:18Hey, oh, I can kill anybody yet. Nope. God, this paintball thing is so stupid. I know.
13:35Oh, whistle on now. Go! Oh, my God. You okay? What's going on? Your wife's going for me. She's got
13:50crazy eyes. She's taking this worse than I thought. Taking what worse? Yeah. Oh, my God. Did Doug tell you?
14:01Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Okay. Chunky dies today.
14:20Hey, that went right by my ear. Yeah, because I missed.
14:25All right. Now I got to shoot you. Fine. Just don't say you're going to call me after you shoot
14:30me.
14:31Hey, look, I'm sorry about not calling you, okay? It's just that my phone was broke.
14:38And I blew my nose on the napkin that had your number on it, and I couldn't tell if it
14:42was 667.
14:43Shut up. You know, I really liked you, Richie.
14:46I'm sorry. But you know what?
14:51Hinton Guy, when I saw you today, I thought, wow, she looks good now.
14:58Really?
15:01That's sweet.
15:04Oh!
15:07Jeez, my aim is better than I thought.
15:11Look, Richie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Richie. You're going to be okay.
15:17I...
15:21I'm out of ammo.
15:24I'm out, too.
15:26So what do we do now?
15:29First, we calm down.
15:33I think my ground came loose.
15:36Our only chance is to head for those woods over there.
15:39We've got more ammunition. We're going to head on back.
15:42Okay, okay.
15:46I don't know if you believe in God.
15:48This might be a fine time to say a little prayer.
15:51Okay, okay.
15:55Well?
15:57Oh, uh, bless us, Father, for the pain we are about to shoot.
16:07I'm really more of an amen guy.
16:11Doug, let's go. On three.
16:13One, two...
16:17Give me a three.
16:18Give me a three.
16:46Hold it!
16:48Oh.
16:49I'm gone.
16:53Why are you stalking me?
16:55I'm not.
16:56What did I ever do to you?
16:57None of your B.I.B.s whacked.
17:01Ah!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:06Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:10Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:13Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:15Ah!
17:17Ah!
17:18Ah!
17:20Ah!
17:22Ah!
17:23Ah!
17:24Ah!
17:24Ah!
17:25I left my inhaler in the van!
17:29Ah!
17:33Ah!
17:37Ah!
17:38Ah!
17:39Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:40Ah!
17:41Ah!
17:42Ah!
17:43Ah!
17:44Ah!
17:45Ah!
17:45Ah!
17:46Ah!
17:48Ah!
17:58Is this fun?
18:00Yeah.
18:12Okay, you never told me what this means.
18:14I don't even know.
18:16Where are they, all right?
18:18Maybe you were wrong.
18:18Maybe they're not here.
18:46I can't do this.
18:49I'm not good at war.
18:52You really don't have an ounce of self-respecting.
18:55I just want lunch.
18:57For God's sakes, man.
18:59Tuck in your underwear.
19:06I gotta get back.
19:12Hey, Stephanie.
19:15So you're gonna call me?
19:17Yeah, sure.
19:18I'll call you.
19:25All right.
19:27What do we have here?
19:32Oh, extra crispy.
19:35Winner.
19:59Winner.
20:00Then I shoot Carrie.
20:01You shoot me and you're never getting sex again.
20:03You can't do that.
20:05You can't do that.
20:05Oh, it's done.
20:08All right.
20:08We're getting crazy here.
20:10Look, man.
20:10We all came up here to celebrate my best friend's birthday and we're acting like idiots.
20:15Come on.
20:16Come on.
20:16Let's all just calm down.
20:18Okay?
20:20All right.
20:21Come on.
20:21This is cool.
20:23Wait a minute.
20:25What was that?
20:26Nothing.
20:26You were gonna shoot me, but your gun jammed.
20:29I think you're wrong.
20:30Oh, man.
20:31You are unbelievable.
20:32Leave him alone.
20:33This is your fault, Deacon.
20:35Hey.
20:35I can't help being fine.
20:38And I can't believe you told Deacon what I said.
20:42Well, I couldn't have told him if you didn't tell me.
20:44You asked.
20:45I didn't want to hear Deacon.
20:47I wanted Pedro at the car wash.
20:51All right.
20:51You're right.
20:53I started this whole thing.
20:56Go ahead.
20:57Take a free shot at me.
21:00I'm not gonna shoot you.
21:01No, come on.
21:02You'll feel better.
21:03Here.
21:04Have a piece of chicken and shoot me.
21:06You'll be a new man.
21:08Hold it.
21:09Say goodnight, little lady.
21:32I thought he was going for the chicken.
21:49Honey, I'm home.
21:52Where the hell have you been?
21:54Oh, are you at that stupid paintball place again?
21:58I went.
21:59I went.
21:59I went.
22:00You know the Hendersons are coming for Bridge.
22:03I mean, look at you.
22:03Would you take that stupid rag off your head?
22:05I got.
22:06I got.
22:06I got.
22:06I got.
22:06I got the ice cream you wanted.
22:10This is frozen yogurt.
22:12My God.
22:13You're an idiot.
22:17I'll go back.
22:42I'll go back.
22:43I got.
22:44I got.
22:45I got it.
22:45I got.
22:57I got it.
23:01I'll go back.
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