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00:25I'm Jeremy Corbett, welcome to the show where each week we do the unthinkable.
00:28We get six comedians to pay attention to the news and yet somehow, by the end of it, none of
00:32them are any smarter.
00:33It's a medical marvel. This is Seven Days, let's meet the team, shall we?
00:37And yes, if you look closely, you will see the leader of Team One is just both of the top
00:40twins in a trench coat.
00:42Please welcome, by the stage, your name, Melanie Bracewell.
00:47Welcome back now.
00:48Oh, it's so good to be back. The new set, it's half TV show, half gender reveal.
00:53I'm so excited to be here.
00:55Got an amazing team. I've got Roscoe McClelland and Justine Smith.
01:01Great staff and leading team two is the love child of Joan Alamu and Sideshow Bob, it's Josh Thompson.
01:08Thank you very much. You're welcome.
01:10Yes, we've got a very exciting team for you. Can't make you introduce them.
01:12It's what Elon Musk does on a boys weekend, poaching with a chopper.
01:16It's both he poaching and chopper egg.
01:20We kick things off tonight. It's a little game I like to call Newsmakers because that's its name.
01:25In this game, I will give you an answer related to a news story from the week.
01:28Your job is to give me the matching question and then figure out the story from there.
01:31And Team One, you can start. Your answer is worried and anxious.
01:36Yes. Is it how I feel about booking plane tickets home via Dubai just because it was cheap?
01:44How did Corbett feel when he control-F'd his own name in the Epstein file?
01:53There are lots of Corbett's out there. It could have been anyone.
01:56Fair enough, yeah.
01:56Could have been anyone.
01:58Is it what has replaced happy in the popular children's song?
02:02If you're worried and you're anxious, clap your hands. Yes, I am.
02:06Is it how I feel about nodding and politely smiling at all the local references in this show that I
02:13will not understand?
02:17Any idea what the story might be?
02:19Well, the biggest story has got to be that new maybe COVID thingy.
02:23Oh, there's a cruise ship that's riddled with some sort of virus and they're calling it the most virus-riddled
02:31cruise ship since the cruise ship before this one.
02:36Yeah, I'll give you that.
02:37What has an outbreak of Hunter virus got people worried and anxious?
02:41It's on the cruise ship. It's got them worried and anxious.
02:43It could be the next COVID-19, of course.
02:45There is one Kiwi on board the ship and they are expected to be the last one evacuated.
02:50The Kiwi was actually going to be the first off the cruise ship, but they got stuck holding the door
02:54open for everyone else.
02:57You start and then everyone's just...
02:58And that Kiwi's so angry, he's only going to give the cruise ship a four and a half star rating.
03:03They're still yelling, thank you, driver!
03:07Hantavirus doesn't sound like a good time, but it also sounds a lot better than Santa virus.
03:12Which is where you get a giant swollen red sack.
03:22And you only come once a year.
03:29There was a similar virus at my high school where she affected quite a lot of sort of paler redhead
03:34kids.
03:35So it was the Fanta virus.
03:37Shut up, mate.
03:40Come on.
03:42You're not really a redhead, you're a redbeard, but not a redhead.
03:45Are you talking to...oh.
03:50My sister and all my cousins on my dad's side are all very ginger-haired, and I thought, I've got
03:56away with this one.
03:58And then when puberty hit, I went, they got me in a technicality.
04:04Well, here's the thing, you know, like, I don't know how lockdown went here, but for me, it was the
04:10best time of my life.
04:11So I would, I'll go through it again, you know.
04:14Me and my wife, we levelled up our lives during the original lockdown.
04:17We moved from this, like, mouldy, horrible flat into a quite nice house, you know.
04:21I mean, sadly, COVID took my gran, but we got the house, so...
04:28Because, yeah, the World Health Organisation is saying this is not going to be a COVID-19 situation, not a
04:33pandemic,
04:33and I think a few people are disappointed, aren't they?
04:35Yeah.
04:36We enjoyed a bit of me time.
04:38And the crowds totally agree with you, Nick.
04:42I guess, wasn't it great when we all had a pool and we...
04:46You know, COVID lockdowns, getting piggybacks around the house from your butler, that much.
04:53Human chess with the staff.
04:57Only one of those jokes is true.
05:00And I appreciate the job.
05:06I was saying, it's crazy, everyone's like, oh, what are we going to do with this boat full of sick
05:10people?
05:10Sink it.
05:15Team Two, are you ready for an answer?
05:18Yes.
05:18I've got one prepared for you, here we go.
05:20A hundred young men in balaclavas.
05:22Who lives with me under Corby's house?
05:26What's a very unhelpful police line-up?
05:31That's quite a Tomauni idea, a story, any clues.
05:35It's a tough one.
05:36Yeah, I do like to keep across young men in balaclava news, but I, um...
05:42There, it's a wet, there was a wet, and I'm, I spend a lot of time in West Auckland, um,
05:48getting things from my house, um, but, uh...
05:51Sorry, should we have picked a team captain that conformed sent in?
05:56Not necessary.
05:57Yeah, there, there was a, uh, something happened, there, a thing happened in West Auckland.
06:02Something, something happened in the news with a hundred young men in balaclavas.
06:06That's why we're here.
06:07Yes, I know, so I'm trying to tell them what we're trying to do now.
06:10You're never going to get it.
06:11No, no, no, no, I know!
06:12I don't know!
06:13No, um, uh, there, there's, like, uh, dudes and, dudes who like to ride around on bikes wearing balaclavas.
06:20Close enough.
06:21Yep.
06:21Um, the question is, who caused a ruckus in West Auckland when they went for a bike ride?
06:26A hundred young men in balaclavas.
06:28Quite intimidating.
06:28It was organised on Facebook.
06:30It attracted police attention.
06:31It led to 53 infringement notices, one arrest
06:34and the impounding of one vehicle.
06:37Good on you, police.
06:38Because saying impounded a vehicle sounds better
06:40than I put the bike in the boot of the cop car.
06:44I'm actually...
06:45Talking about children and bicycle safety is a bit...
06:49..a bit raw for me at the moment
06:50because I hit someone with...
06:52..a cyclist with my car the other day.
06:55I mean, I had to go through two fences in a daycare centre to get involved.
06:59I knew I got him.
07:01I got him. That's what I love about an EV.
07:04Silent.
07:05Whoa!
07:11I heard one guy got arrested.
07:14Like, they arrested one of them.
07:15Can you imagine that guy being in jail and they're like,
07:17what are you in for?
07:19Are you in a gang?
07:20Well, it's more of a WhatsApp group, you know?
07:23I would just like to say, as a visitor to this country,
07:27from Glasgow, Scotland, a city...
07:29..a city synonymous for using our head as a weapon.
07:34Um...
07:35..religious football violence.
07:37We are the knife crime capital of the world.
07:39We are the European drug-death capital.
07:42It's great to come here and find out that your big problem is...
07:46..boys on bikes.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50I mean, I've got to say, at least these dudes are all just riding around
07:54in shorts and a T-shirt, unlike those douchebags in lycra
07:57who are all like, oh, look at me, I'm dressed for the Olympics.
08:00No, you look like a potato in Gladrat.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04And then they take over cafes on the weekend,
08:06they're all like, oh, look at me, I'm cycling.
08:08You're like, bloody hell, I'm trying to eat my breakfast,
08:10I'm looking at some guy's dick through half a minute of a fabric.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:13All right, that's Newsmakers.
08:14For points, Team 1, you can have 7,000.
08:16That's the number of spots on the Milford Track
08:18that sold out in 30 minutes this week when bookings opened.
08:21For New Zealand, it's a great walk.
08:23Team 2, you can have two goals scored by Wellington Phoenix Women
08:26against the Brisbane Raw last weekend
08:27to reach their first ever A-League Grand Final.
08:30Congrats to them, congrats to our first star winner.
08:32Team 1!
08:35Come on, you, Team 1.
08:37As you may well know, at the end of the episode,
08:39the team with the most stars will walk away with a prize
08:41that is both worthless and priceless.
08:43Whoo!
08:44And here it is, yes.
08:45That is the very first Hantavirus vaccine,
08:48straight from the laboratory I set up in my garage.
08:50It's made of COVID vaccine, public pool water and free microchips.
08:55Wow!
08:55The winning team will get a dose each,
08:57and if you're scared of needles, don't worry,
08:59I've developed an alternative delivery method
09:02that I will apply to you at the end of the show for the winning team.
09:07Might be the first time on seven days both teams are trying to lose.
09:11Let's move on.
09:12It's time for a fan favourite.
09:13It's Slice of Seven,
09:14where some of the best musicians New Zealand has ever produced
09:16ruin their songs with lyrics we've made up for them.
09:19Joining us tonight, he's dominated the singles charts,
09:21nominated for five Aotearoa Music Awards.
09:24Please give it up for Te Wehi.
09:29Team One, are you ready for Te Wehi to sing you a new song?
09:33Yes, please.
09:34All right, in your own time.
09:37Spaghetti grandma, roaming around the streets
09:44With their pockets full of knocking
09:51Making meatballs, digging up the weed
09:58Chipping teeth on biscotti
10:03Now, everyone is going to fettuccine
10:07Now, don't be old, she makes her own
10:11Lemon chattel instead of dry martinis
10:14Living longer than the garden gnomes
10:17Well known as growth strong
10:24Her skin's palmer's on
10:30Hey, little Janzy
10:33You will not die
10:36If you live like your grandma
10:49I heard something about a nona
10:51There's been that thing about living well
10:54and doing it.
10:55Have you heard that?
10:56No, I haven't been living well at all.
10:58OK.
10:59I reckon it's this thing where people want to live well
11:02because we're all stressing out
11:04and we're all feeling like shit
11:05and old Italian grandmas have got it nailed.
11:08So it's about living like they do or something?
11:10Yeah, well done, Jazzy
11:11It's the latest lifestyle craze
11:13Sweeping the globe
11:14Nonamaxing
11:15Where people live like an Italian grandmother
11:17hoping it'll give them a longer and happier life
11:19Key parts of nonamaxing
11:21are growing and cooking your own vegetables
11:23taking life at a slower pace
11:25and keeping quiet about your role in Mussolini's Italy
11:27So, that's nonamaxing if you want to give it a go
11:31Good for you
11:33I mean, if this is about drinking a lot of wine
11:36eating pasta and taking a lot of naps
11:38F***ing been doing that for years
11:41We call it Jazzy maxing
11:43That's right
11:43When I first heard about this
11:45I thought it was about avoiding large format cinemas
11:48but then I found out that was non-imaxing
11:50I do think that Italy gets such an easy time
11:56with their historical crimes
11:58due to how good their cuisine is
12:00I really do
12:00and it just makes me wonder
12:02how good of a sausage would Germany have to make
12:04for us to make
12:06I actually, um
12:09I don't mind nonamaxing
12:11but I love babushka maxing
12:13Oh wow
12:14Which is
12:14to do that
12:15you need a series of Russian grandmas
12:17in decreasing order of songs
12:20and then you need some butter
12:21and a shoehorn
12:27Alright, so we're here and Simi
12:28Are you going to play another song?
12:29Are you ready team two?
12:30Yes
12:30Okay
12:31All yours
12:31Take it away
12:34The snapper
12:37That he preferred
12:41Was shaken and not stirred
12:44Oh, he's bomb
12:49Whoa, James Bond
12:54Super flash celebrity
13:01Visits Mama Nui
13:04Big shot
13:07Whoa, and a chip shop
13:16This golden pie
13:23Like gold
13:25Like gold
13:29It fries
13:34Wow
13:36So good
13:38So awesome
13:39Beautiful stuff, fellas
13:40I am still quite hungry
13:42for both your songs
13:44I've heard a lot of chip shop stuff
13:46I've heard James Bond
13:48Yeah
13:48I actually am across
13:50fish and chip news
13:51I read the
13:52I read the paper
13:53It comes on
13:54Oh, you read fish and chips first
13:55That's right
13:55That's right
13:55That's right
13:56Yes
13:57And Pierce Brosnan
13:58is in New Zealand
13:58James Bond
13:59is the Talk of Northland
14:00actor
14:00Pierce Brosnan
14:01is in New Zealand
14:02filming the second
14:02Minecraft movie
14:03His exploits have been
14:04documented well
14:05across social media
14:06Brosnan was papped
14:07at a knife making workshop
14:09and while collecting
14:10an order from the
14:11Manganui fish and chip shop
14:12He could be watching
14:13you know
14:14Pierce Brosnan
14:14could be watching
14:15and if you are watching
14:16Mr Bond
14:17we'd love to have you
14:18on the show
14:18I'm something of
14:20an alcoholic womaniser myself
14:24Do you think the staff
14:25noticed him
14:25or do you think
14:26he was trying to get noticed
14:28Order number seven
14:30Don't you mean
14:30007?
14:33No, just seven
14:34The zeros are redundant
14:38It would take longer
14:39for me to get you
14:40your order
14:41Also, here's your milkshake
14:42It's not called a milk stir
14:44so we can't do it
14:45the way you want it
14:48Imagine if he was like that
14:49doing the whole bond
14:50the whole time
14:51Oh, man
14:52if I was Pierce Brosnan
14:53in a fish and chip shop
14:54Yep
14:54I'd be flashing that smile
14:56getting a few extra
14:56potato fritters
14:57Yeah, free
14:58I hate to fully unpack
15:01the logic
15:01of your previous joke
15:03but you said that
15:04you can't give
15:05the
15:05at a milk stir
15:07we have to give it
15:08to a different way
15:09but that would imply
15:10that James Bond
15:11says
15:12I'd like it stirred
15:13not shaken
15:14No
15:17Yes, Mel
15:18Yes, Mel
15:19I'm sorry to embarrass you, Mel
15:21I don't want to embarrass you
15:22in front of the entire nation
15:23OK
15:23But what I actually said
15:25although a little bit garbled
15:26was that
15:27here's your milkshake stir
15:28I can't give it
15:29the way you ordered
15:30Shake stir
15:30Don't know you messed it up twice
15:31Oh, do I?
15:32Yeah, yeah
15:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:35Tom, can I tell you
15:36No, no, no, no, no, no
15:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
15:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's your milkshake stir
15:51We can't give it to the way you ordered. It's not called a milk stir.
15:54So you're just...
15:54No!
15:56Look at the type!
15:57He says I want it shaken, not stirred!
15:59You gave him what he wanted!
16:01A milkshake is exactly what he wanted!
16:03OK, we can find it!
16:05No!
16:07OK, delete it!
16:08Delete it!
16:09Delete it! Don't show Pierce's!
16:13I think at this point...
16:14Remember not to cry over stirred milk.
16:22Very good.
16:23For scores, Team 1, you're going to have 28.
16:25That is the year since Westlife formed
16:27and they're celebrating with a tour of New Zealand next July.
16:29Good on you, Westlife.
16:30Team 2, you can have the age of Pierce Brosnan,
16:33famous fish and chip shop knife maker.
16:352.
16:3772.
16:38Team 2 gets a star!
16:39Well done!
16:43And a huge thank you to our Slice of Seven artist.
16:46Debut album, I'm Home, came out this month.
16:48Number two in the charts, I believe.
16:49Well done, congratulations.
16:51Nationwide tour is coming in June.
16:52Tickets available from Live Nation.
16:54Give it up one more time for Te Wehi.
16:56CHEERING
16:58And Simi!
17:02Alrighty.
17:03Team 1, focus.
17:04Time now for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
17:06We turn back the hands of time this week.
17:08We're going back two decades on the dot to 2006.
17:11Team 1, I'm going to show you a video.
17:13You have to tell me what is going on.
17:15Here it is.
17:21APPLAUSE
17:26Oh, my God!
17:29They said, uh, that woman was left stirred, not shaken.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:37Very good, that was, of course, Rodney Hyde dropping his dance partner,
17:40Crystal, on Dancing With The Stars.
17:42And amazing to think that's not even close to the worst thing
17:44a leader of the ACT party has done on Dancing With The Stars.
17:48LAUGHTER
17:49Time for a break now.
17:50Go wrap a towel around yourself, though.
17:51Get changed in the car,
17:52because we'll be back shortly with Club Topicana on Seven Days.
17:55See you soon.
18:03APPLAUSE
18:08Welcome back to Seven Days, you.
18:10And now we're going to head to the beach like those whales like to do
18:13when they have those beach parties.
18:14It's Club Topicana.
18:15Play the steel drums.
18:26Club Topicana is, uh, brought to you by dull pineapples.
18:29Pineapples.
18:29Without them, pineapple lumps would just be called lumps.
18:33Inside this juicy hedgehog lies a collection of news stories
18:36that will fire up your taste buds and your imaginations.
18:39All right, comedians, let's see what we have in here.
18:41First story.
18:42Police are concerned that over half of their workforce
18:44is over the age of 50 and heading for retirement.
18:47I say don't be a quitter.
18:49Stay on and serve.
18:50I'd like to see scenes, please, from the geriatric police.
18:55All right.
18:56Put your hands up.
18:58You're under arrest for...
18:59Oh, I forgot what you're under arrest for.
19:02You seem like a nice young man.
19:05Why are your hands up?
19:15OK, you know the drill.
19:17Just blow into the bag, please.
19:19Oop, that's my colostomy bag, sorry.
19:27OK, we're just going to run your plates.
19:30Oh, could you actually help me?
19:32It's locked me out of my, um...
19:39Yeah, and you go there.
19:40That's your cell.
19:41Let me get your handcuffs.
19:46No, hang on.
19:50Now, don't help me, Terrell.
19:51It makes me mad!
19:54LAUGHTER
19:59You've been convicted of the crime
20:01of not listening to my stories.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:05Your punishment is,
20:06now I'm going to list everything
20:07that's more expensive than it was when I was a kid.
20:11Yes, you were doing 110 kilometres there.
20:18Yeah, you were coming down the hell of the wrong way.
20:20That's why...
20:20That's why I'd usually come down State Highway 3.
20:23Yeah, you go back around the Chi-Mai's
20:24and you don't have to worry about
20:25coming down Glen and Gully.
20:26I actually put Glen and Gully there
20:27back in 1973.
20:28Yeah, we used to collect rose hips
20:30on the hell there.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33You could give Old Man Ham Honk
20:34a bag of rose hips
20:35and he'd give you a throppence
20:36on a cube of sugar.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:42Dad, we should probably get going, Dad.
20:45Yeah, sorry.
20:46Who are these guys?
20:47Oh.
20:48So sorry.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:50All right, next story.
20:53Oh, OK, yeah.
20:54Dua Lipa is suing Samsung for $15 million
20:57after they used her picture
20:59on the side of their boxes for their TVs
21:01without her permission.
21:03I don't know why she would sell TVs,
21:05but there you go.
21:05Get ready to add hashtag paid partnership.
21:08Show me some other unlikely celebrity endorsements, please.
21:13Do you have dry cracked skin?
21:14I'm Sean Diddy Coons.
21:24And now, after 100 years on this beautiful blue planet of ours,
21:29I can say with some credentials
21:31that the most beautiful animal on Earth
21:34is the Satisfyer Magic Bunny.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:41Sure is!
21:42LAUGHTER
21:45Hello.
21:46I'm Susie Kato.
21:48I'll help your family say see you later
21:50at Kato's affordable cremations.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:57Hey, I know we didn't nail it with the last Subway guy,
22:00but I've got a good feeling about this one.
22:02Introducing Prince Andrew.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05LAUGHTER
22:08You know, it's interesting.
22:09They're saying it's been famous since ages ago,
22:11but I've never heard of it, you know.
22:13I've never heard of this drink.
22:14Lemon and Perroa.
22:15Perroa.
22:16You know, people call me a Perroa,
22:18a bit of a social Perroa, but...
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21I think I'm going to like it.
22:22Lovely fruit.
22:23Lovely country.
22:23Might live there someday soon.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27APPLAUSE
22:33Hello there.
22:33I'm, uh, Pierce Brosnan,
22:35and, uh, you could own my new fantastic milk stirrer.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:41LAUGHTER
22:43LAUGHTER
22:43LAUGHTER
22:48You don't shake it because there's no lid on it.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51You're just embarrassing yourselves, guys.
22:53Yeah, yeah, come on.
22:53Come on.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55All right, back to the pineapple we go.
22:58Oh, yes.
22:58The government have announced plans
23:00to update the New Zealand citizenship test from next year.
23:04Uh, not that hard, TBH.
23:05You have to get 15 out of 20.
23:07They're multi-choice and you get six attempts.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:10Look, if you fail that, even I don't want you here.
23:12Uh, but it could happen.
23:13Uh, give us some New Zealand citizenship test fails, please.
23:19Oh, my God, you got an A-plus.
23:21Unfortunately, that makes you a bit of a try-hard,
23:23so you're fine.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26Oh, sorry, I have to pull you up on the national anthem.
23:29You're supposed to mumble the first part
23:31and then go, ah, to the second.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:33LAUGHTER
23:38All right, next question.
23:39Who is the Deputy Prime Minister?
23:41You don't know?
23:42Correct.
23:42None of us did.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:47That's mine.
23:47No, no, I think I've got it now.
23:49Uh...
23:49Is it...
23:51Tootara, mayna ibi.
23:52Mayna ibi.
23:54LAUGHTER
24:02Ooh, yeah, um, you're meant to blow on the pie,
24:05not give the pie a blowjob.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:09Look, I'm sorry, it's ticking a lot of boxes for me,
24:11but I'm not in charge.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:17Yes, please, all rise for the national anthem.
24:22I'll say goodbye even though I'm blue
24:25Even though I'm blue
24:27Even though I'm blue
24:29Got it, I'll say goodbye
24:31Even though I'm blue
24:33All right, well done, everyone.
24:34But much like our Dineen lifeguard,
24:36we're ringing the shark bell and closing the beach.
24:39Sit on down, play the steel drums.
24:41MUSIC
24:51Great round of Topakana.
24:53Team one, you can have two million.
24:54That's the amount you'll need to buy Havana bar in Wellington.
24:56The iconic bar is up for sale.
24:58Favourite haunt of the Lord of the Rings stars.
25:00And team two, you can have 161,000.
25:03That's the record amount paid for Tangihau, the Angus Bull
25:06at last year's autumn bull sales.
25:08Worth every cent, apparently.
25:09This year's auctions are underway, as we all know.
25:12No word yet if the record has been beaten,
25:13but team two has been beaten by team one,
25:15who've earned themselves a bright, shiny star!
25:20Well done.
25:22All right, so time for you to turn your brains back to 2006, team two,
25:26for a damn good grilling in the burger-fueled brain grill.
25:28Have a look at this and tell me what's going on here.
25:32Is this the New Zealand version of To Catch a Predator?
25:44That is some handsome devil, all right, standing next to Jeremy Corbett at Christmas in the Park.
25:50And out of frame there, Jeanette Thomas questioning her decision to be involved.
25:54That was back when I could pull a crowd.
25:56Had over 100,000 there that night.
25:58Not all to see me, granted, but most of them.
26:02And that brings us to another break.
26:03When we get back, we'll play Jeremy's special game.
26:06I know you're all excited.
26:07You'll just have to wait till after these ads to find out what it is.
26:10Back soon, CSI.
26:22Welcome back, everyone.
26:24And now I'm picking my time now for Jeremy's special game.
26:27Since actions speak louder than words, quote I just came up with,
26:30let's play a round of charade the news.
26:32In this game, one member of each team will be given a category based on a news story.
26:36They'll have to act out as many things from that category as possible for their teammates to guess.
26:40Team one, you are up.
26:42Mel, you are going to be doing the charading for this.
26:45And I'll just give you these cards.
26:46Here are what you have to charade.
26:47Don't let the others see them, please.
26:49You obviously just showed them.
26:50OK.
26:51So the story is the Ockham Book Awards were on last night.
26:54Congratulations to all the winners.
26:56To celebrate, I'd like you, Mel, to charade out some famous books for Jazzy and Roscoe to guess.
27:02OK.
27:02Jump up there, take the position.
27:03We'll give you a moment.
27:04Let's go, buddy.
27:05And I'll get my dinger ready.
27:06You have until I ding my ding.
27:08Are you ready, Mel?
27:09I'm ready.
27:10Away you go.
27:12Lord of the Rings.
27:14That's great.
27:14Lord of the Rings, great.
27:16Oh, sexy mama.
27:17Yes.
27:18Booty.
27:19Yeah.
27:21Knits.
27:21Halo.
27:23Dandruff.
27:26Book.
27:26The reader.
27:28The reader.
27:29The reader.
27:2950 sheets of grey.
27:30Yes!
27:31Oh, nowhere.
27:32Well done.
27:34The Bible.
27:35The Bible.
27:36That's correct.
27:37Oh.
27:38Man and Butterfly.
27:42That's the only two.
27:43There's only two.
27:44I know it's Ed.
27:45Laughing Butterfly.
27:47To Kill a Mockingbird.
27:49Yeah!
27:51Amazing!
27:53Heroine.
27:53Um.
27:54Trenchborn.
27:55Um.
27:57Jack.
27:58Duck.
27:58Finding needle.
27:59Goosebumps.
27:59Yeah!
28:02Oh, God.
28:04The Bible again.
28:10Open a door.
28:12Shut the door, the door, knock out.
28:14Through the door.
28:15Shh!
28:16Be quiet.
28:17I don't want to do this.
28:18Harry van Frank!
28:25Oh, Harry Potter!
28:27Painting!
28:29Pagging!
28:30Oh!
28:31Shh!
28:31Oh!
28:32The Magic Secret!
28:33The Quiet Place!
28:34Which one?
28:34Secret!
28:35Oh!
28:35The Chamber of Secrets!
28:40Scottish!
28:42Man!
28:43Scottish!
28:43Duck!
28:44Loch Ness Monster!
28:47Harry Potter and the Chamber of Getting Arrested for Heroine!
28:51LAUGHTER
28:53Harry Potter and...
28:54Oh, what's the other one?
28:55The...
28:55Oh, the President of Azkaban!
29:00Well done!
29:01Well done!
29:01Sit yourself down!
29:03There you go!
29:04Good team!
29:05Great work, Mel!
29:06Some amazing guesses from Roscoe,
29:08giving you a total of eight points by my talent.
29:11You did great too, Jazzy!
29:12But there were a couple from Roscoe just out of nowhere.
29:14Boom!
29:15Saved it on the night.
29:16Alright, team two.
29:18You're up, Chopper.
29:18I'm going to ask you to do the miming.
29:20Tomorrow, Donald Trump is set to have an historic summit
29:23with Chinese Premier Xi Jinping.
29:25Something of a power couple there, Chopper.
29:27You are tasked with charading other iconic duos.
29:30Here is your list.
29:31I thought you were going to be doing national leaders.
29:33I'm charading duo.
29:34You're charading duos, yes.
29:35So I have to charade twice as much as Bill did for one answer.
29:39Correct.
29:39And there's no Roscoe on your team, so good luck.
29:41I believe in you, Chopper.
29:43I believe in you, Chopper.
29:43You have eight to beat, Chopper.
29:45Okay, take it away.
29:46Go.
29:47Three words.
29:48Third word.
29:49Two syllables.
29:50Two word.
29:51Second word.
29:51Peace.
29:52Peace.
29:53War and peace.
29:53Yes!
29:56Um...
29:57Uh...
29:57Swimming fish.
29:58Finding Nemo.
29:59Eating sushi.
30:00Fing...
30:01Touch a finger like...
30:02Swim.
30:03Coying.
30:04Swim.
30:04Dive.
30:05Dolphin dive.
30:05Turtle.
30:06Turtle.
30:06Turtle.
30:08Open a book.
30:09Eat sushi.
30:10Eat sushi.
30:11Is it sushi related?
30:12Sush.
30:12Sush.
30:13Fish and chips.
30:17Showering.
30:18Shampoo.
30:18Shampoo and conditioner.
30:20Yes!
30:20Oh, yes.
30:23Uh...
30:24Me coming out of the toilet.
30:25Oh, uh, man and woman.
30:26Man and woman.
30:27Uh, milking a man.
30:28Uh, um...
30:30Uh...
30:30Um, giving a...
30:32Uh...
30:32Stab.
30:33Flip.
30:33Turn.
30:34Pancake.
30:35Cook.
30:36Grill.
30:36Grill.
30:37Flipping.
30:38Barbecue.
30:38Barbecue.
30:39Bar.
30:40Bar-bee.
30:41Bar.
30:42Barbecue-cooks!
30:47Thri...
30:47L.
30:49L...
30:50Loser.
30:51L...
30:52L...
30:53L...
30:53Alan Peet.
30:53Alan Peet.
30:54Alan Peet.
30:54Correct.
30:57Bugs Bunny Bunny...
30:58Batman and the Joker?
30:59Batman and Robin?
31:00Yeah!
31:01Batman and Robin.
31:01Well done.
31:06You got it.
31:07You got it.
31:08Don't look at them.
31:09Look at us.
31:09Look at us.
31:11Look at us.
31:12You got this.
31:12Three words.
31:13Uh, no, three words.
31:15Sounds like...
31:16Sounds like...
31:17Sleep.
31:19Night time.
31:20Uh...
31:21Oh.
31:21Hanging yourself.
31:24Oh, dream.
31:25Sounds like dream.
31:26Cream.
31:27Coffee and...
31:28Pigeon and cream.
31:29Pigeon and cream!
31:31Uh, seagull.
31:33Uh, bird.
31:34Sea.
31:35Bird.
31:36Bird.
31:36Bird.
31:36Bird.
31:37Bird.
31:37Mosquito.
31:38Flick.
31:39Flick bird.
31:40Bird?
31:40Bird and...
31:42Bird.
31:43And heroin.
31:44Bird and mosquito?
31:46Bird and bug?
31:47Bird and...
31:48Land?
31:48What goes with a f***ing bird?
31:52Is bird the first word?
31:53Bird is the first word.
31:55Bird...
31:55Bird in the bees.
31:56Bird shit.
31:56Yeah, bird in the bees!
31:58Sorry, that was on me.
32:00Screw...
32:01Spaghetti and meatballs.
32:02Yeah!
32:03Boom!
32:06Bird word.
32:08Bird word.
32:09Asshole.
32:09Wanker.
32:11Good kisser!
32:12Good kisser!
32:13Uh, uh, uh, older?
32:14Older?
32:15Distinguished?
32:16Beautiful.
32:16Handsome.
32:17Jeremy!
32:18Jeremy!
32:19Corbett!
32:20Uh...
32:20And Josh Wilson?
32:21Corbett?
32:22Corbett and...
32:23Sounds like...
32:25One.
32:26Not that only.
32:27Demo.
32:27Oh, no!
32:28It's a...
32:29It's a radio guy...
32:31Oh!
32:32Demo and Corbett.
32:33Kim and Corbett!
32:34Yeah!
32:36Yeah!
32:38Yeah!
32:41Demo would be happy.
32:44Oh, great rain.
32:46A round of charade the news.
32:47But the winner just by one, according to me, you got nine, Team Two, which means you get
32:51the star!
32:52Well done!
32:55Oh, man.
32:56Okay.
32:58Time for some ads now.
32:59You've got a couple of minutes to put your art critic hat on, because coming up is my audience
33:03could draw that on seven days.
33:04See you soon.
33:26And the people who are only going to be watching the show have ended up being part of it.
33:29Sucked in.
33:31They've drawn a picture based on a news story and the teams have to decode their artwork.
33:35Are you ready, Team One?
33:36Yes, indeed.
33:37We're going couples.
33:38Bit of a curveball.
33:38Please welcome your audience, Artists.
33:41Wow!
33:43Great start.
33:44All right, so you need to say your names, the school you went to, and then once you've
33:49both done that, you go, and this is our picture.
33:51And they'll go nuts.
33:52Way you go.
33:53I'm Braden and I went to Birkenhead Primary School.
33:55I'm Rebecca and I went to Vauxhall Primary.
33:57And this is our picture.
34:03I'm looking at your drawing right now, and are you guys still in primary school?
34:07Is that...?
34:09MLS.
34:10There's a body.
34:11There's a body.
34:12There's a body on the ground.
34:13There's a body on the ground.
34:13There's a whole lot of bees, obviously.
34:15They're pretty cute bees.
34:16The long-headed man has got a gun.
34:20Or is it a big finger?
34:22Oh, the other thing.
34:22OK.
34:25There's a swarm of bees.
34:27It's this invasive bee species that's on the North Shore and everyone's going,
34:32I've seen the bee.
34:33And then people go, no, that's a regular bee.
34:36Could be.
34:37Let's ask Rebecca and Braden.
34:39Could be.
34:39Can you explain what you've drawn, please?
34:41Um, so in America there was a man being evicted from his house and a lady tried to
34:46stop the eviction by unleashing her bees on the cops.
34:50Yeah.
34:51Look at the lovely old man being evicted here.
34:54Oh, yeah.
34:54And he's crying, that's why.
34:55Oh, yeah.
34:56And this is the cop here.
34:57The bees are quite good.
34:59There's been some great work.
35:00Did you split that up?
35:01It seems like someone's good at drawing bees and someone's not.
35:04Wow.
35:05Wow.
35:05I did the bees.
35:06Yeah, there's a pretty strong divide with who drew bees.
35:08Oh!
35:10Any reason for this particular design on the hat?
35:13Oh, it's the high viz.
35:14Yes.
35:15I didn't get it either.
35:16What?
35:16No.
35:18Probably Rebecca and Braden will sort that out on the drive home.
35:21Yeah.
35:22All right.
35:23Hold it up.
35:23Look down the camera and say, and this is our picture.
35:26And this is our picture.
35:27Yeah.
35:29You can go.
35:30Thank you so much, Rebecca and Braden.
35:32Yes, an American woman is facing jail time this week after she unleashed thousands of
35:37bees on law enforcement who were trying to evict her elderly friend.
35:42Police said legally they should have arrested the bees, but it was just too many sets of
35:46tiny handcuffs.
35:48It's amazing.
35:49Did they bring in the SWAT team?
35:54How do you train bees to attack?
35:57To be honest, I think you just open the hive and let the bees be bees, don't you?
36:02It's like being like, oh, how do I get my crocodile to eat this dog?
36:05You just put the dog next to the crocodile.
36:07I don't know.
36:08I don't know.
36:09It's important.
36:10It's a particular technique.
36:10It's important to remember, like, this lady's bees are not like the ones we have in New
36:13Zealand.
36:14Like, these bees, they take two or three times to turn over and figure out which way they're
36:18going, because they're U.S. bees.
36:22Very good.
36:24All right, team two, are you ready?
36:25Yes.
36:26Team two, please meet this evening's artistic couple.
36:30Come on in.
36:32Yes.
36:33Great.
36:33Oh, wow.
36:34All right, here we go.
36:35All right, so you know the routine.
36:37Say your name, the school you went to, and then together, this is our picture.
36:41Hello, my name's Fraser, and I'm from North School down in Invercargill.
36:45My name's Tom, and I went to Woodlands Park Primary School.
36:48And this is our picture.
36:54I'll just say, first off, Tom looks like a Southland me.
37:00It's a beautiful picture, guys.
37:02A lot of bees in there, so this might be similar to the last story.
37:06Um, pretty rough graph for the child.
37:10Um, and this sort of orange bra on the ground or something.
37:16The, the, or is it a pair of shoes?
37:18The orange circle thing.
37:21I don't know.
37:21That's a bra?
37:22What?
37:23I don't want to mansplain what a bra looks like to the two ladies.
37:26But, um, I've taken a few off and put them on the ground, um, during, during, in my time.
37:32After a long, hard day at work.
37:35I need the support, guys.
37:38Um, yeah, I mean, what, okay, what is it then?
37:41Can I, sorry, Jeremy, can I form my own team?
37:46Um, okay, okay, I think I've got, so basically, okay, so down the bottom left is clearly a couple trying
37:51to disguise themselves as a Christmas tree and have done the zip up halfway.
37:54Yes, yes, yes.
37:55Keep going, let him cook.
37:57So this is, in the rocket, it all kind of speaks together.
38:00It's Elon Musk, uh, has got a lot of bastard children, which he doesn't want to adopt until 2026.
38:07Doesn't sound likely, but good luck.
38:09Uh, Tom and Fraser, what have you drawn, please?
38:12Yeah, so there's a bit going on here.
38:13Yes.
38:14New Zealand is now the global leader in couples electing to not get married.
38:19Oh.
38:20So there's a hell of a lot of bastard children being born.
38:22In fact, since 2000 to 2026, it's doubled.
38:26Right, it has doubled, okay, and the orange with the white cat mask or bra, depending on your, what is
38:32that?
38:33Well, all of the money you save from not putting it into a wedding, you can now invest into Bitcoin.
38:37Bitcoin, yes, that's what that is.
38:39And what is going on top left?
38:41On someone's, this is a finger with a hand.
38:44What is this?
38:44A hand with a finger.
38:45It's nothing else.
38:46With a ring.
38:47That's, that's not happening.
38:49How come team like a normal couple and we got the stonedest people in the house?
38:53Don't, don't put a ring on it, is what it's saying.
38:56Go on, man.
38:56And say, and this is our picture down camera.
38:58And this is our picture.
39:01Great.
39:03Thank you, guys.
39:04Oh, great.
39:05Thank you, Tom.
39:06Thank you, Fraser.
39:07Figures released by StatsNZ show that Kiwis are world leaders and not getting married.
39:11Marriages in civil unions were down 3% in 2025 and that continues the decline in nuptials that's been going
39:17on for nearly 50 years.
39:20Divorce rates are up too.
39:21Not me and my wife though, whatever her name is, we're solid as a rock.
39:24I think probably the hard part about trying to get married in bloody New Zealand, every time you get the
39:29ring out, Frodo scampers in.
39:33I think maybe you're just too happy here for marriage.
39:37I think that's what I'm learning, you know.
39:39You've got a very good quality of life, but back home in Scotland where everyone's miserable, you just want to
39:44find someone else to drag into the duck list.
39:50I think the problem is it's so hard to get an engagement ring these days, because Michael Hill's put all
39:54those bollards up around his shop, so you've got to get a decent ram right now.
39:57Oh my God, I tried to get a ring from there the other day, I went through five Subaru WRXs.
40:05People can't afford a wedding, people can't even afford parties these days, I went to a costume party recently and
40:10the theme was Hallensteins.
40:14Weddings are so expensive as well, you know, we had to go the cheap option for our wedding photographer and
40:19we ended up booking someone who I only found out on the day had never photographed a wedding before
40:25because she'd only been a horse photographer.
40:30There were clues on the day, I should have noticed, like when my wife was walking down the aisle, she
40:34had to jump a small hedge together.
40:40Alright, great round of my audience could draw that.
40:42For points, team one, you can have 486, that's the amount of power taken from Hikarangi Marine Reserve, resulted in
40:48a Christchurch man getting sentenced to four months detention.
40:51Team two, total minutes of film Peter Jackson has made in his career, got an honorary Palme d'Or in
40:56Cannes this week.
40:56Not sure how many he's made, but it's way more than 486 minutes, which means the staff of this round
41:00goes to team two.
41:01Well done.
41:05Alright, you at home, it wouldn't be fair for our comedians, for them to have all the fun.
41:09It's your turn for a burger-fueled brain grill.
41:12Have a look at this.
41:13This is also up on our socials, so head to Facebook or Instagram, chuck up a caption that fills in
41:18the blanks for that.
41:19The best answer will win $100 a burger fuel, which tastes all the sweeter with the knowledge you're funnier than
41:23most of the country.
41:24Alright, just one more part to go, join us back here for captions, find out who is walking away with
41:29our home-made Hantavirus vaccine.
41:31See you in a take.
41:43Welcome back.
41:45Aotearoa, this is still seven days.
41:46I thought we'd round out the evening with a game of captions.
41:49I'll show the team some of the weirdest and wildest photos from the week.
41:52All they have to do is try and guess the correct caption.
41:54Team one, you are up first, what is the caption for this picture?
41:58No, the caption is, things not going well for Schrodinger's cat.
42:05Also going well at the same time.
42:07Is it Snoop Dogg's hamster arrives at customs?
42:12Is this Corbett destroys his computer after the Epstein files comes out?
42:19Is this Susie Cato's affordable cremation services out of here?
42:24That is members of the Mexican army, specialists in toxic substances, participating in the first national earthquake drill.
42:31Quite obvious.
42:32Team two, your turn now.
42:33Here's the picture.
42:34What is the caption please?
42:35Ooh, FIFA announces shocking new ball design.
42:39My first day here at the zoo, but I'm pretty sure these are called rat lobsters?
42:46Is this a man starting to suspect he's been adopted?
42:53Caption there as the zookeeper kneels next to the six banded armadillos, Amelie and Falco at Hagenbeck Zoo in Hamburg.
42:59Back to you team one.
43:00Give me the caption for this photo please.
43:01Oh, is this a new VR headset for dogs where they can hunt people's legs from the privacy of the
43:07room?
43:08Is this collie flowers?
43:14Is this, come on, for God's sake!
43:18Is this, um, is this Corbett's dog prepare themselves for his game of find the peanut butter?
43:29You don't know where it is, that's your brains!
43:32Good luck, took me like three hours.
43:37And I was hunting really strongly.
43:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:41OK, the real caption there.
43:43Dogs wearing goggles posed for a photo at a tulip farm in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario.
43:48Last one for you team two, I hope you're ready for this.
43:51Tell me what the caption is for this photo.
43:54Um...
43:55Is it a Chris Luxon-themed chessboard?
44:02Is it, uh, Stephen Joyce trying to pick who hit him out of a line-up?
44:07LAUGHTER
44:09Is it, is it, whoa, those skydivers are in for a nasty landing.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:15Is it, is it a man being mugged by sea cucumbers?
44:19LAUGHTER
44:21Is it, um, once we, once we can teach these dildos to open jars, we don't need men anymore?
44:28LAUGHTER
44:30That is, uh, we could go all night with this, but no, um,
44:33how does activists play a game of ring-toss during a dildo-themed ice protest
44:38outside the detention facility in Broadview, Illinois?
44:41And for captions, I'm going to give the star to team two!
44:43Well done, team two!
44:47All right, and with that star awarded and some quick maths,
44:49we can all see tonight's winner is...
44:52Team two!
44:53APPLAUSE
44:54There you go!
44:56There you go.
44:57There's your chemistry.
44:59That is great.
45:01Congratulations on being some of the first people in the world
45:03to receive my patented, ground-breaking experimental medicine.
45:06Just line up over here and we will get started with the application.
45:09That is all from us this week.
45:11Thank you for being you.
45:12And please join me in thanking Mel, Roscoe, Jazzy, Josh, Bailey and Chopper.
45:16We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days Goodnight.
45:19OK.
45:20Who's up first?
45:25Hey, thank you New Zealand, I'm here.
45:27All right then, you're done.
45:28Um...
45:28LAUGHTER
45:30APPLAUSE
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