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00:00:10The End
00:00:37After the three of us finished filming in Zimbabwe,
00:00:42we thought we'd never work together ever again.
00:00:46But because Amazon's lawyers are better than our lawyers,
00:00:50here we are!
00:00:53We are literally propelled onto your screen by small print,
00:00:57which I didn't read.
00:00:58I couldn't read the small print. I can't read anything.
00:01:01Exactly. Anyway, listen, here's the deal.
00:01:05Amazon's lawyers have told us that we must come together once more
00:01:10and reminisce about all of our exploits and adventures on the Grand Tour.
00:01:16But there is a bit of a problem with that,
00:01:18because my colleague here, my former colleague,
00:01:20well, my current, my colleague again, let's say, Mr. Hammond,
00:01:24has no memory at all.
00:01:27None.
00:01:27Or have you?
00:01:29I can't remember.
00:01:30I don't remember anything.
00:01:32I know we worked together.
00:01:34Yes, we did.
00:01:35But I have no recollection of doing genuinely nothing.
00:01:39Do you remember which one you were?
00:01:40Was it which supermarket we worked in?
00:01:42I don't know.
00:01:43Anyway, we're all here together now,
00:01:45and then old people say,
00:01:46well, we're going to reminisce,
00:01:47and you're going to try and keep up.
00:01:49Can you remember, for example, going to Morocco?
00:01:52Uh, drove down a ski slope in Jaguars?
00:01:58No, that wasn't Morocco.
00:01:59You were in an MX-5.
00:02:01In Morocco?
00:02:02Yes, and I was in that thing that went, that company that went bust.
00:02:06The orange one.
00:02:07Yeah.
00:02:07Anyway, yes, there was that.
00:02:08So I had an MX-5 in Morocco?
00:02:10You're getting muddled up.
00:02:11We were in Colorado.
00:02:13Telluride.
00:02:15In an MX-5?
00:02:16No, that's the Jaguars going down the ski slopes.
00:02:18In Morocco?
00:02:19No, in Colorado.
00:02:22Go back to the beginning, the very beginning.
00:02:25Can you remember driving through a desert,
00:02:29and we all had Mustangs, slightly different Mustangs,
00:02:32all specials?
00:02:32We got to an enormous event.
00:02:33There was a band on the stage.
00:02:35Yes, exactly.
00:02:36Hothouse Flowers.
00:02:37Yes.
00:02:38I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
00:02:45I can see all obstacles in my way.
00:02:51Gun of the dark clouds that had me blind.
00:02:57I'm going to be a bright, sunshiny day.
00:03:05Think I can make it now, the pain is gone.
00:03:12All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
00:03:18All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
00:03:19Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
00:03:24It's going to be a bright, sunshiny day.
00:03:31Think I can make it now, the pain is gone.
00:03:37No, the bad feelings have disappeared.
00:03:41No, the bad feelings have disappeared.
00:03:44I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
00:03:49It's going to be high.
00:03:50Ah, sunshine again.
00:03:54Only way
00:03:57Such a way
00:03:59Take it away
00:04:45Such a way
00:04:57I'm such a way
00:05:13Such a way
00:05:15Such a way
00:05:16Such a way
00:05:18Only way
00:05:19Rise with my jelly
00:05:25Rise with my jelly
00:05:31Rise with my jelly
00:05:37I'm standing
00:05:49I'm standing
00:05:49Hello, everybody!
00:05:53Oh, hello
00:05:56Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here!
00:06:00What's the matter with him?
00:06:01Well, for the first time in my life, I'm rather glad you're here
00:06:06Because he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilization
00:06:09And he got very excited
00:06:11And I couldn't say, no, Hammond, it's not real
00:06:13It's a film set
00:06:14That is where they filmed Asterix and Obelix
00:06:17And that is where they filmed Game of Thrones
00:06:29I'll tell you what this place has never been used at
00:06:32What?
00:06:33A racetrack
00:06:36Right, are we ready, James May?
00:06:38In 3, 2, 1, begin!
00:06:49Oh, where's the bend?
00:06:51Oh, balls!
00:06:56Do you know what worries me most of all?
00:06:59It's the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Xenos
00:07:03And that he's lent it to us on the television
00:07:05All over the world
00:07:06Which one's driving it?
00:07:08Oh, no
00:07:12Heading for Nazareth, I think
00:07:19Whoa!
00:07:19Whoa!
00:07:20All over the place
00:07:28Round and round the thingy
00:07:31Whoa!
00:07:38Fast, faster, bastard
00:07:51Well, this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly
00:07:55Right
00:07:56But it's okay, you were just in that time
00:07:59Awesome!
00:07:59James, did you manage to drive whilst dragging your face along the ground?
00:08:04A lot of dust comes in
00:08:05Why don't you wind the windows up?
00:08:07You're funny men
00:08:12In 3, 2, 1, go!
00:08:20Boy, let's make this count
00:08:26Whoa!
00:08:28Narrow!
00:08:37Sideways in linen
00:08:53Going to the throne, sir
00:09:02Stop understeering
00:09:05Turn, turn!
00:09:09Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing
00:09:13Pin it now!
00:09:15Go!
00:09:25Well, he arrived!
00:09:27Ready?
00:09:28Yes!
00:09:28In 3, 2, 1, go!
00:09:34Right, this is it
00:09:53Can't afford a single error!
00:10:10Oh, this is a hot lap!
00:10:13Oh, this is a hot lap!
00:10:25Oh!
00:10:27Oh!
00:10:31Oh!
00:10:31Oh!
00:10:39Don't look over that edge
00:10:41But there's a bit of lead that gets really steep
00:10:45People do this for fun, yeah?
00:10:47Not in old Jags
00:10:48Not in old Jags
00:10:48Oh, yeah, you're right
00:10:53We set off
00:10:56Gingerly
00:10:59Just an ordinary drive
00:11:01Just an ordinary drive
00:11:03Just an ordinary drive
00:11:04Oh!
00:11:12It's in case I need to bail out!
00:11:16Steering wheel's working a bit
00:11:19Oh!
00:11:22Oh, God
00:11:24What you've got to be wary of
00:11:26Is losing the back of the car
00:11:28Oh!
00:11:29Oh, cripes
00:11:31Practice braking
00:11:32Practice braking
00:11:34Nothing
00:11:37I'm just going to write a book
00:11:38While we don't stop
00:11:39Yeah, here we are
00:11:40Still not stopping
00:11:41Picking up speed!
00:11:43Oh, my God!
00:11:45Can't...
00:11:45No control now
00:11:50Oh, my giddyard
00:11:52This is quick now
00:11:56Oh!
00:11:56Oh!
00:11:59I'm going to change up again
00:12:00That was a mistake
00:12:01That was a massive mistake
00:12:06Just go in a straight line, you bastard
00:12:13Chris, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
00:12:16Oh!
00:12:18But none of us died
00:12:20And then Jag skiing started to come together
00:12:34Oh!
00:12:34Oh, yes, this is...
00:12:35I'm slalom skiing now
00:12:36Is what I'm doing
00:12:37And I'm doing it well
00:12:46Eventually, we started on the final leg
00:12:49Down into the town
00:12:50And Richard and I
00:12:52Got into a bit of a race
00:12:54Come on, come on, come on, come on
00:12:56Give me a little bit more go
00:13:01Whoa!
00:13:02That was a biggie
00:13:03Meanwhile, a little further back
00:13:07Oh, God
00:13:09I've got a brake warning light on
00:13:11I don't know what that means
00:13:12Pad wear
00:13:13System failure
00:13:14God knows
00:13:18There's the town
00:13:20We're coming in hot
00:13:21And stylishly
00:13:24And we wouldn't have to walk to the hotel
00:13:26In silly boots
00:13:28We'd simply drive there
00:13:30Oh, hello
00:13:32Whoa!
00:13:34Whoa!
00:13:38Oh, no!
00:13:41Oh, there's been an accident
00:13:48Ah!
00:13:49Damn!
00:13:50Right
00:13:53Only we
00:13:55No, look, we meant to park them there
00:13:57They look good
00:13:59Oh, no!
00:14:02Look, just keep working brakes for another ten seconds or so
00:14:06Exactly where we wanted them to be
00:14:07And that's where they are, and that's good
00:14:10Anyway, the thing is
00:14:13That we got here
00:14:14Well, there
00:14:15Without a single problem
00:14:17And with a very definite conclusion
00:14:20By an ex-JR
00:14:22Whoa, no, hang on
00:14:22The whole point of this exercise was to demonstrate Jaguar's reliability as a make
00:14:27Yes, but we have, and we've also
00:14:29What?
00:14:30Oh
00:14:31Oh
00:14:35That opening in the desert, we set a very high bar with that, didn't we?
00:14:39Yeah, so high, we never got, we never got near it again
00:14:43If we're honest
00:14:44No, we didn't
00:14:45We really didn't
00:14:46No
00:14:47It is amazing though, when we're forced to sit here
00:14:52Remembering and reminiscing
00:14:54What has stuck in the mind?
00:14:57Rationing
00:14:58Is it amazing?
00:14:59Yeah
00:15:01Well, ordinarily you go through a day and you're not thinking about what you've done with your life
00:15:05But when you're forced by Amazon's lawyers to do it, lots of things stick
00:15:11Yeah, there was an old car factory in Detroit
00:15:14Where we had muscle cars
00:15:17Yeah, you've got to remember that
00:15:18No
00:15:19He designed, you designed a race track, stupidly actually
00:15:21Because we were, their muscle cars were going in a straight line and you designed this ridiculous
00:15:25Wait, wait, yes, I do, I do
00:15:28And then we couldn't get off a beach and we were towing skiers and the queen was in the back
00:15:33of the car
00:15:33What a day
00:15:37Because the track had been built by the world's most accident prone driver
00:15:42We thought it best that the God-fearing exorcist should christen it
00:15:56It's so bumpy
00:15:59What the hell is this?
00:16:10What's that, some sort of chicane he's put in there?
00:16:15Whoa
00:16:17Slippery, that's slippery as hell
00:16:19What, that, that's unbelievably narrow
00:16:23What's he thinking of?
00:16:30Oh, hello
00:16:33Here he comes
00:16:38After his run, James couldn't wait to give Hammond some constructive feedback
00:16:43I just want to say, Hammond, you witless dishcloth
00:16:47That is the worst race track I've ever been round
00:16:49It's slippery, it's full of holes, it's full of obstacles for you to crash into
00:16:53It's narrow
00:16:54Challenging, is it, technical?
00:16:55It's not challenging, it's only about that much bigger than the car
00:16:58And it's made of butter
00:17:01And it appears to be full of asbestos waste
00:17:03Oh, it is full of asbestos
00:17:05Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that
00:17:05Oh, well, thank you
00:17:06Sorry, yeah, close your window
00:17:14All of us then set about our practice laps on Hammond's death tram
00:17:20Thin bits
00:17:21Oh, God
00:17:24You'll see a bloody thing
00:17:29My own car doesn't fit round my own race track
00:17:33What have I done?
00:17:36Despite the peril, though, we gave it everything
00:17:43And by the end of the session, there was nothing in it
00:17:46Between the demon and the exorcist
00:17:51The Mustang, though, that was in a league of its own
00:17:59I'm not going to take it anymore
00:18:02I'm not going to take it anymore
00:18:05I'm not going to take it anymore
00:18:07I'm not going to take it anymore
00:18:08I'm not going to take it anymore
00:18:0856.4
00:18:12Yes, your fastest
00:18:13Well, of course it's the fastest, it's a muscle car that handles
00:18:18However, these were just unofficial practice laps
00:18:21Now it was time for the one-shot winner-takes-all
00:18:26Real thing
00:18:29In
00:18:30Three
00:18:30Two
00:18:31One
00:18:32Begin
00:18:48Massive bump
00:18:50Oh, God
00:18:56Hammond
00:19:00Slippery
00:19:04And here he is
00:19:06Here he comes
00:19:12I pooped myself
00:19:13Funny noise
00:19:16However, the trouser accident had clearly been worth it
00:19:21You've just broken your own record
00:19:23Well, that's remarkable
00:19:2459.66
00:19:26Really?
00:19:27Yep
00:19:27I'm happy with that and I haven't hit any famous musicians
00:19:30Or bits of old car factory
00:19:34Next, it was the turn of corporal crash
00:19:39Where's the fire engine gone?
00:19:41The fire engine's over there
00:19:42Ambulance is
00:19:43Oh, we're all comedians today
00:19:45Yeah
00:19:45Yeah
00:19:45Remember
00:19:46Remember, if you lose to James May
00:19:48It's more humiliating
00:19:50It's worse than death
00:19:51In three
00:19:53Two
00:19:53One
00:19:54Go
00:19:59Looking for grip
00:20:01Turning neat
00:20:02Crisp by the edge
00:20:03Whoa
00:20:05Oh, he's gone over the edge
00:20:07Again
00:20:14Hammond's lap's going well
00:20:15Yeah, isn't it?
00:20:24Is that Madonna?
00:20:25That's Madonna
00:20:25Yeah
00:20:26I don't know
00:20:28And we're in the open
00:20:32Oh, Christ
00:20:36Yes, no
00:20:36Beelzebub's got a bit of understeer there
00:20:42That felt good
00:20:43It felt like a quick one
00:20:47I don't know how to put this to you, but
00:20:53No
00:20:55No, no, no, no, no, no
00:20:570.4 of a second slower than James May
00:21:02This is what death feels like
00:21:03Yeah, okay
00:21:04Get out of the demon
00:21:05We've done the demon and the exorcist
00:21:06It's time for the blue nun
00:21:09Blue nun?
00:21:10Yeah
00:21:15Totally pointless waste of time there
00:21:18We've established the Mustang is the fastest
00:21:20By an enormous margin
00:21:25But I'll go and do it, I suppose
00:21:29Jeremy Smug in My Little Pony
00:21:31Are you ready?
00:21:33In
00:21:33Three
00:21:34Two
00:21:35One
00:21:36Begin
00:21:43Oh, yes
00:21:45This is a properly sorted track car
00:21:49That's what we're looking at here
00:21:51Properly sorted it may be
00:21:53But I had a plan that would spoil its afternoon
00:21:58You're running
00:21:59I know, but you'll see
00:22:00I've got to get down to this corner before he gets back
00:22:03Help me tip this over
00:22:05What is it?
00:22:06It's organic palm oil, very slippery
00:22:08It's the revenge of the urban farmer
00:22:13Into the blind bend
00:22:15There is Stevie Wonder
00:22:19You do know it's palm oil that's ruining life for the world's orangutans
00:22:22Only this one
00:22:23Come on
00:22:25Come on
00:22:26Short shifting into third
00:22:40Right, we've just got to find a bit where we can get inland
00:22:43Before the tide comes in
00:22:51That is getting closer to that
00:22:53When that happens, we've had it
00:22:59But as we thundered along
00:23:01The dunes refused to open up and let us in
00:23:06That's the sea
00:23:08It's the sea there
00:23:11Oh, it's coming at me
00:23:15I still say we can't get out here, look
00:23:18No left turn at the moment
00:23:23This is where you need a V8
00:23:29Oh shit
00:23:31Oh, Jeremy's in trouble
00:23:33That is not looking good
00:23:36Come on, come on
00:23:38Whoa
00:23:40Oh, no
00:23:44Oh no
00:23:45No, no, no, no, no
00:23:46Not a good place
00:23:47Oh God
00:23:49I'm in the sea
00:23:52Because it was a bit of an emergency
00:23:54My colleagues decided to help for once
00:23:56So...
00:23:57James, count us in
00:23:59Three, two, one, away
00:24:07Yes
00:24:07Right, let's go
00:24:14Jesus Christ
00:24:17Ah, it's coming in
00:24:22Ah, it's coming in
00:24:22Come on, come on, come on
00:24:26Come on
00:24:27Come on
00:24:29Whoa
00:24:34Oh
00:24:35Oh, that's bad
00:24:42Shit
00:24:43Shit
00:24:46Oh
00:24:49Come on, baby, come on
00:24:53Mercifully, the dunes finally started to fall away, and we were saved
00:25:02And we're through
00:25:03And we're through!
00:25:03We are, we are
00:25:05That's a relief
00:25:08So nearly got stuck then
00:25:21We were going to see which of our cars was the best at skioring
00:25:25A sport in which you race round a frozen lake, while towing a skier
00:25:31Mad?
00:25:33You don't even know the half of it
00:25:37One of them has only got one leg
00:25:39What?
00:25:44But did he lose the other one doing this?
00:25:46Good afternoon, gentlemen
00:25:48Hello
00:25:48Good afternoon
00:25:50There then followed a typically verbose Scandinavian conversation
00:25:56Do you do it here because there aren't very many mountains to ski on?
00:26:00Yeah
00:26:00How do you win?
00:26:03The fastest wins
00:26:08Soon, though, the chat started to flow
00:26:11How fast do you normally go?
00:26:14120
00:26:15What?
00:26:16120
00:26:16I wouldn't do that without skier
00:26:18That's kilometers an hour, yes?
00:26:19Kilometers per hour
00:26:20But it's still...
00:26:20That's still 70
00:26:21Yes, that was 70 miles an hour
00:26:23Yeah
00:26:24Closer to 80
00:26:25What?
00:26:26Yeah
00:26:27We've never done this
00:26:28Yes, so we won't go that fast, but you can still enjoy it
00:26:31Well, that's sort of up to us, really
00:26:32That's the problem, it's up to us
00:26:34We have done a little bit of driving around this track
00:26:36Well, I have, though
00:26:37And when you're following the other one
00:26:38He doesn't know what he's going to do in the corner
00:26:41How he's going to do it
00:26:42Is he going to turn early and slide it
00:26:43I don't know what the car's going to do
00:26:44Yeah, but your cars are intact
00:26:47I mean, not for me
00:26:48No, his is not...
00:26:49But your cars
00:26:50Yeah
00:26:50He just looked at the middle pedal and thought
00:26:53No, I don't need that
00:26:59Here we go
00:27:06There's a man in the rearview mirror and he's keeping up with me
00:27:10That's alarming
00:27:15Where does it go?
00:27:22Cutting off Hammond
00:27:24Oh, what bollocks that
00:27:27Oh, sorry
00:27:3265 miles per hour
00:27:34And he's still there
00:27:45And that's 80 miles an hour we've just achieved
00:27:49I want to catch Jeremy more than anything else in the world
00:27:52But I don't want to kill someone else doing it
00:27:57No
00:27:58Hammond's gaining
00:27:58He is gaining
00:27:59He wants me to go faster
00:28:01He's bloody nuts
00:28:05I went wide
00:28:06No
00:28:07No
00:28:08No
00:28:12I have the lead
00:28:18That was a mistake
00:28:24Shit
00:28:25Shit
00:28:25I've lost him
00:28:28Right, last lap
00:28:30Through the chicane-y bit
00:28:35Come on!
00:28:37Lapping's good, but it doesn't beat cubes
00:28:41And I have a lot of cubes
00:28:50Oh, come on!
00:28:52The power of the V8 is mighty
00:28:56Yes!
00:29:00Oh, I forgot to check he's still there
00:29:03Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
00:29:09Okay, go
00:29:10I'll have that
00:29:11Thank you very much
00:29:14Having finally got the queen into the car
00:29:17We were now faced with a perilous drive to the embassy
00:29:22However, this did at least mean I could get back to my day job
00:29:27Let me talk you through the car
00:29:29This is the S8 Plus
00:29:32Now, the plus means it has 80 more horsepower than the standard car
00:29:36That means 0-60 in 3.8 seconds
00:29:40Top speed, 119
00:29:42How very interesting
00:29:48The immense power is harnessed not only by all-wheel drive
00:29:52But also by ceramic brakes
00:29:55And an electronic differential
00:29:58There's a time and a place for talking about that stuff, mate!
00:30:01Sitting behind a six-foot five-inch driver means that rear legroom isn't rather at a premium
00:30:06Having said that, however, for a high-performance saloon, the ride quality is really rather good
00:30:10Will you two stop reviewing the car?
00:30:16Do you have an opinion of the queen?
00:30:18Not now!
00:30:23Hold it steady, I'm gonna shoot them
00:30:27Shoot him in the face!
00:30:31Have you come far?
00:30:37Living Daylights, Transporter 2 and 3, Taken, Roaming...
00:30:43Because all those films had a big Audi saloon in them going quickly
00:30:48It is the car of choice for the Hollywood hero
00:30:52Shut up!
00:30:57What's the top speed of that thing, James, do you reckon?
00:31:00What, 90 miles an hour?
00:31:01Well, here is a top tip for Hollywood heroes
00:31:06If you're being chased by a car which is slower than the car you're in
00:31:10Simply drive faster than it
00:31:15See, that's what Nick Cage ought to have thought about, really, in The Rock
00:31:18And that man in Roaming with the S.A. chasing the Citrus
00:31:21Stop talking about films!
00:31:24There's a bogey waxing our tail
00:31:26Oh, God!
00:31:26We're gonna shoot his petrol tank
00:31:28James, there's no point shooting his petrol tank
00:31:30Petrol only blows up in films
00:31:40Well, that's not strictly accurate
00:31:43Where the bloody hell is the embassy?
00:31:45Go down here!
00:31:47Ah, she's promising!
00:31:48There it is! There it is!
00:31:49There it is!
00:31:51Right, you get the Queen to safety, I'll cover you
00:31:54Okay, I'm on it!
00:31:55Right, good, go, go, go, go, go!
00:31:57Your Majesty!
00:31:59Really quickly, French!
00:32:03The Queen can't see!
00:32:18Come on, Jeremy! Come on!
00:32:21I'm doing my best!
00:32:24In the place!
00:32:26Oh, no!
00:32:27Just keep moving!
00:32:31They've done it again!
00:32:33James, you're missing this!
00:32:35You cannot modernize the royalty
00:32:37Because royalty is, at the very best, a medieval concept
00:32:41Oh!
00:32:42Oh!
00:32:44That's gonna sting!
00:32:46It's still going!
00:32:48Keep going!
00:32:49Find the mines!
00:32:56It's still going!
00:33:20James!
00:33:20He's dead!
00:33:23Oh, no, wait a minute!
00:33:24He's going again!
00:33:25He's moving again!
00:33:26Jeremy, come on!
00:33:27You can do it!
00:33:28Come on!
00:33:29Keep going!
00:33:30Come on!
00:33:31This is it!
00:33:32Hammond!
00:33:32There's the finished line!
00:33:33Am I going the right way?
00:33:35More or less!
00:33:36You could maybe roll over it!
00:33:37He could do it!
00:33:39Yes!
00:33:40We have done it!
00:33:45Have you come far?
00:33:51The really strange thing is, we, all of us, loved making up film!
00:33:57When we were doing it, we were going, this is brilliant!
00:34:00We got back and it was edited and we saw, well, this is fantastic!
00:34:02And it was only the second programme we'd done, wasn't it?
00:34:06It was.
00:34:06It was the second ever Grand Tour.
00:34:08And then it went on television and everybody hated it!
00:34:11Literally everyone!
00:34:12They did!
00:34:12With the amount of people going, if that's what the Grand Tour's going to be like,
00:34:16we're never going to watch it ever again!
00:34:17But we were so proud and excited and I do remember filming it.
00:34:21I remember the day.
00:34:22I remember it was huge fun and we said to the world, what do you think of this?
00:34:25And the world says, we hate it!
00:34:27I think the fundamental problem is that the ladies and gentlemen,
00:34:32at home, don't really enjoy it when we're having fun.
00:34:37I think they prefer it when we're miserable.
00:34:42Yeah.
00:34:42And there's been plenty of times when we have been.
00:34:44Oh, yes.
00:34:54He's not going to do it.
00:35:00He's not going to do it.
00:35:02He's not going to do it.
00:35:03We're just...
00:35:03We're just...
00:35:04Sorry!
00:35:13I need a toe!
00:35:14A toe!
00:35:17This is me saving James, mate.
00:35:21It's not ideal, but...
00:35:25Jeremy is ready!
00:35:30Keep going!
00:35:35What is that noise?
00:35:42That's my gearbox.
00:35:45No, no, stop!
00:35:46Oh, you pillock!
00:35:57Ready, steady, and brake testing, James May.
00:36:06No!
00:36:09You're not helping with the transport of live fish.
00:36:11This is supposed to be a group effort.
00:36:14Oh, someone's fallen over in the road. Nothing I can do.
00:36:21Oh, no. Red dust.
00:36:23Oh, God. Here we go.
00:36:28It doesn't look like anything much,
00:36:30but this soft red sand sits on a very hard subsurface.
00:36:33And it is simply impossible to ride the bike over.
00:36:38It just has no grip.
00:36:42Shit!
00:36:46Front end got away from me.
00:36:50There's only another hundred miles for this, hang on.
00:36:54Oh, for sake.
00:36:58Oh!
00:36:59Oh!
00:37:00Ah!
00:37:02Come on, stop it!
00:37:03Oh!
00:37:05Oh!
00:37:08Shit!
00:37:10Oh!
00:37:11Oh, here we go again.
00:37:13Yep.
00:37:13Nope. Yep.
00:37:15Do you know, James,
00:37:16it's actually possible to get bored
00:37:19with watching Hammond fall off a motorcycle.
00:37:23Oh,
00:37:25bollocks!
00:37:26Let's find out what lies in here for you.
00:37:28Come on!
00:37:36Oh, dearie me.
00:37:38I think you've drowned your hog.
00:37:42As the afternoon wore on,
00:37:46the roads became even worse.
00:37:52Come on!
00:37:53And the human terrapin was really starting to slow me down.
00:38:02Oh, bollocks!
00:38:07Ha-ha!
00:38:08I can go at the middle, you see?
00:38:12Oh!
00:38:21Yes!
00:38:23The green on 89th!
00:38:26And the green on 90th!
00:38:30We are screaming along now!
00:38:40Come on!
00:38:44Come on, come on, come on!
00:38:46Come on!
00:38:50Come on!
00:38:55That's gone, then.
00:38:56Yeah.
00:38:58Well, what happened there is, basically,
00:38:59we missed a train
00:39:00because you don't know to slow down
00:39:02when it says finish across the road.
00:39:05Oh, nice!
00:39:05I'm sorry to put it bluntly like that,
00:39:06but that's exactly what happened there.
00:39:26Oh!
00:39:30Oh!
00:39:31Oh!
00:39:31Oh!
00:39:32Oh!
00:39:32I'm sorry if I could sit in that special seat
00:39:34that's reserved for me.
00:39:37It's reserved for disabled people.
00:39:39Like me!
00:39:39But you're not disabled.
00:39:41Temporarily, yes, I am!
00:39:42What do you mean?
00:39:43I am!
00:39:43You've had a playground injury
00:39:44as a result of your own half-wittedness.
00:39:47Oh!
00:39:47That's not disabled.
00:39:48I'm surprised you don't do more charity work
00:39:50with the differently abled.
00:39:55Oh, look!
00:39:59Oh!
00:40:00Oh, that's not worked, has it?
00:40:06What bloody noise, honestly!
00:40:07Well, what can I do about it?
00:40:08I'll put some springs in them or something.
00:40:27You do realize this is not a self-propelled one?
00:40:30It hasn't got the big wheels.
00:40:31You'll have to push me.
00:40:31Yeah, that's all right.
00:40:33Cool.
00:40:33It's better than listening to that clink, chink, clink, chink noise
00:40:36for the rest of the day.
00:40:37Yeah, you've really suffered, mate.
00:40:39I don't know how you've put up with it.
00:40:44You've got everything from out of your pockets, please.
00:40:47Tap down.
00:40:51We'll have a pat it down.
00:40:52I want to.
00:40:53Pat it down.
00:40:54Yeah, okay.
00:40:55All right, so I'm gonna go ahead,
00:40:56I'm gonna give you a pat down today, okay?
00:40:58All right, so the pat down consists of me
00:40:59starting from the top all the way to the top of your feet.
00:41:03For your sensitive areas, I have to use the back of my hands
00:41:05in a sliding motion from your waist going down
00:41:08over your groin and across your groin as well.
00:41:11I'm gonna go up and down, okay?
00:41:18I'm going down.
00:41:24Ow!
00:41:25Sorry.
00:41:25Has he got to go in that?
00:41:26Yes, he is.
00:41:31Okay, see you on board.
00:41:35Hello, welcome aboard.
00:41:36Hello.
00:41:55How's it going in the Sherman?
00:41:58It's just, like, honestly, it's a walk in the park.
00:42:01What about you?
00:42:02It's a bit squeaky, but it keeps going.
00:42:05But what I'd love to know is what's happening in the catering.
00:42:12Oh, Jesus.
00:42:15That is turds.
00:42:17Jesus.
00:42:21The water is like a bath that someone's had diarrhea in.
00:42:26Oh, shit.
00:42:29Oh, shit.
00:42:29Bullard.
00:42:31Ah!
00:42:34Ah!
00:42:39Oh, shitty death.
00:42:41I'll just adjust the temperature down to, you know, 22 degrees,
00:42:45I think would be better.
00:42:46Adjust the lumbar support using this button down here.
00:42:53How much more of this is there?
00:42:56Oh, Jesus.
00:43:00Things were so bad that at the next ferry crossing,
00:43:03it looked like he was going to try and make the far bank
00:43:06without a boat.
00:43:11Wouldn't you?
00:43:12Yeah, I would.
00:43:13I mean, somebody said to me,
00:43:15yes, there are sharks in there.
00:43:17I'd still say I don't care.
00:43:19I don't care.
00:43:23As we left the ferry,
00:43:24James was much happier and cleaner.
00:43:28Oh, I'm feeling pretty good now.
00:43:38Give me strength!
00:43:44Can I just say...
00:43:45What?
00:43:46The misery there that you talked about was mainly mine, wasn't it?
00:43:50Not yours.
00:43:50And a little bit of his.
00:43:52Yeah, it was yours.
00:43:53It was quite rare that all three of us were miserable at the same time.
00:43:58Generally, it's one or two miserable.
00:44:00But how about for a combination of misery and terror,
00:44:05do you remember the South China Sea?
00:44:22I'm going to throw up at this rate, not because of seasickness, but because of the amount of salt water
00:44:26in the bag.
00:44:27give me the imagine!
00:44:34B wellbeing of God.
00:44:40Tried.
00:44:47Here he is.
00:44:52Oh, this is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be.
00:45:03Jesus Christ.
00:45:05One big wave goes in there.
00:45:07I'm going to get very nose-heavy,
00:45:08and I cannot realistically get up there to put it back.
00:45:14Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up.
00:45:18Oh, yes. There's a chance. There's a chance.
00:45:22Which was time well spent.
00:45:25Holy shit!
00:45:32Oh, bollocks!
00:45:40Stop doing that!
00:45:44The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than...
00:45:52But it did get worse.
00:46:04Oh!
00:46:05The Lord!
00:46:10Jeez!
00:46:12This is stupid!
00:46:15It's going to snap.
00:46:27I just pissed myself standing up where I was.
00:46:31Anything else is not an option.
00:46:35Oh!
00:46:36Jesus!
00:46:37It worked!
00:46:45One of our camera boats was in very big trouble.
00:46:49Bloody hell!
00:46:50We're taking too much water.
00:46:53We'll never get there at this rate.
00:46:57And James had completely lost control of his antique.
00:47:01No!
00:47:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
00:47:03No, no!
00:47:21No, no!
00:47:23I mean, it was a bit miserable, I'd know, but I wasn't very frightened.
00:47:27Not for me.
00:47:28I was utterly miserable and terrified.
00:47:31I was miserable and terrified.
00:47:32I hated it.
00:47:33I wasn't, so that's not all three of us.
00:47:35For terror, I would go for driving that Aston Martin...
00:47:42DB4, the old, you know, the new, newly built vintage...
00:47:45Oh, yeah, old chassis number.
00:47:47Around that very bank circuit in Spain.
00:47:51I just had a sense all the time that this is going to go wrong.
00:48:0860 miles an hour as I approach...
00:48:11Whoa, big pothole there.
00:48:13The first corner.
00:48:16Whoa, steering's gone very weird.
00:48:20The bumps are so unnerving.
00:48:24Jesus.
00:48:26Apparently, some of them are so violent they can make the car jump...
00:48:31Four feet to the right.
00:48:38Right, this is it.
00:48:40Let's see how fast I can make this thing go.
00:48:58Oh, my giddy-oh, that is... Jesus Christ.
00:49:09That's bumpy shit, you !
00:49:13Oh, me !
00:49:15Ah!
00:49:28That's one of the scariest things I've ever done in a car.
00:49:32Ever.
00:49:34Ah, terror and a sense of it could go wrong.
00:49:37Was that as terrifying as driving a gigantic pickup truck
00:49:40over a spindly bridge in Columbia?
00:49:50Oh, God.
00:49:59The only way I can do this is by looking at the driver's side tire...
00:50:02and keeping it as close as I can to that edge.
00:50:05and hoping to God that gives me enough.
00:50:07Oh, Christ.
00:50:15Oh, Jesus.
00:50:17I'm shaking all over.
00:50:19I can do this.
00:50:20I'm just gonna look at the wood.
00:50:22Not at what's below, just look at the wood.
00:50:27Ah!
00:50:31Jesus Christ, now I'm too close to the edge.
00:50:41Ah!
00:50:43Ah!
00:50:44Ah!
00:50:46God!
00:50:52I think I might be sick.
00:50:55I will get there.
00:50:57Crossing this bridge is just part of my journey.
00:51:04Who is that clippity-clopping across my bridge?
00:51:07Oh, God.
00:51:12Not the billy goat grub game.
00:51:14Mm-hmm.
00:51:15I will move my Jeep out of your way.
00:51:17If you can answer this simple prog rock question.
00:51:21Let me off the bridge. I'm gonna be sick, please.
00:51:23I was gripped with...
00:51:24It was horrid.
00:51:25I was quite scared driving a panda over the spindly bridge.
00:51:29Yeah.
00:51:29No.
00:51:30Wait.
00:51:31I've got it.
00:51:32That pond bug that you two built.
00:51:36The three-wheeler aqua car.
00:51:39Oh, yes.
00:51:40Oh, yes, he said enthusiastically.
00:51:43I'm thinking the pond bug turned into a hydroplane thing.
00:51:46And then you two built it, and then you said to me,
00:51:49you drive it, and while you're at it, set a new water speed record for amphibious cars.
00:51:54We gave you all the glory.
00:51:57That's right.
00:51:57We did the work.
00:51:59You got the prize.
00:52:12Visor down.
00:52:16It's on the plane now.
00:52:18We're on the plane.
00:52:19It's very spray-y.
00:52:21It's a badly designed hull.
00:52:25Jesus Christ, this steering.
00:52:29God.
00:52:31Oh.
00:52:32It's a nightmare.
00:52:35I can't steer it.
00:52:37I literally cannot steer it.
00:52:39I think he's experimenting with it.
00:52:42I think he's sort of testing.
00:52:44Oh, my God.
00:52:47God.
00:52:47God.
00:52:48It looks pretty good.
00:52:50It looks fabulous.
00:52:51I bet it handles like a dream.
00:52:52Oh, come on.
00:52:54I'm gonna crash into the bloody safety boat.
00:52:58Look, he's making birds.
00:52:59That looks tremendous.
00:53:00Yes.
00:53:02Three times I tried to get the pond bug pointing in the right direction.
00:53:09Absolutely impossible.
00:53:11And then I thought sod it.
00:53:13Put my foot down.
00:53:14And went for it.
00:53:19Oh, Christ.
00:53:21It's only my skill that is keeping this pointing in a straight line.
00:53:30I've got a GPS speedo.
00:53:32But I can't read it.
00:53:34Because there isn't any GPS.
00:53:36Yes.
00:53:39Why have they given me such shoddy workmanship?
00:53:44Oh, heavens.
00:53:49Oh, Christ.
00:53:50That's the worst thing I've ever done.
00:53:53Ever.
00:53:53And now, I've got to turn around and do it again.
00:53:57I've got to wait for my own wash to die down.
00:53:59That's what did for Campbell.
00:54:00He went back too quickly.
00:54:06Here we go.
00:54:12That is my foot pinned to the floor.
00:54:18Jesus.
00:54:19It's starting to trainwalk.
00:54:23It's really bad.
00:54:29And then...
00:54:30Oh, my God.
00:54:32Oh, no.
00:54:32We've got a power problem.
00:54:34I'm losing power.
00:54:37May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
00:54:42It sounds a little bit inconsistent.
00:54:45That's maybe him feathering the throttle.
00:54:47He's possibly finessing it to keep it on the plane.
00:54:52Oh, no.
00:54:53Come on!
00:55:02Jesus.
00:55:03A lot of smoke.
00:55:05Well, that was a disaster.
00:55:07I've got no GPS, so I don't know how fast that was.
00:55:10And the engine is cutting out all the time.
00:55:15Basically, it was time for a stern word with the engineering department.
00:55:21Right, you two.
00:55:22Yeah?
00:55:22Not only have you built something ugly and complicated.
00:55:25It's not.
00:55:25No, it's rubbish and lethal.
00:55:27In what way?
00:55:28The worst thing is the steering.
00:55:29You cannot get it going in a straight line.
00:55:32The steering is a horrible compromise,
00:55:34because it's got to work the steering wheel,
00:55:35and it's got to steer the boat.
00:55:36A horrible compromise is a way of describing it.
00:55:39Lethal is another way.
00:55:41It looked great.
00:55:42Great out there for a few miles.
00:55:44Yeah.
00:55:44I was doing about four miles an hour.
00:55:47Well, that's a start.
00:55:47Right.
00:55:48Secret 46 for Bomberg.
00:55:50Bomberg.
00:55:50Violet.
00:55:51Jeremy Clarkson.
00:55:52Yeah.
00:55:53South, 47.362.
00:55:57Your tears, 48.274.
00:56:00Average, 47.81.
00:56:03Which is a new national record.
00:56:07We did it!
00:56:08We did it!
00:56:09What do you mean, we did it?
00:56:10Would you have swum it?
00:56:11I did it!
00:56:14We did it!
00:56:16But you said, going into that bit of film,
00:56:18you said, both of you, I had all the glory,
00:56:21but you went, we did it!
00:56:22Was it really that scary?
00:56:24Yeah, it was scary.
00:56:25Can I say, I do remember that.
00:56:27And I did feel something while you were doing it.
00:56:29It wasn't concern.
00:56:31Arousal.
00:56:31A relief.
00:56:33That it wasn't you.
00:56:34Absolutely deep.
00:56:35Oh, this is brilliant.
00:56:36We're doing something cool,
00:56:37but I'm not having to do anything dangerous.
00:56:39He is.
00:56:40Just moving on, if I may, from Coniston Water.
00:56:45You threw a very expensive walkie-talkie
00:56:49into the South China Sea.
00:56:51I can see it!
00:56:58That was a strop.
00:57:00It was a strop.
00:57:01It wasn't a strop.
00:57:01I was trying to talk to the viewers.
00:57:03It was a strop.
00:57:04It was our responsibility, or was.
00:57:07And somebody,
00:57:08well, he's no longer with us,
00:57:09but it was Mr. Wilman,
00:57:11just kept interrupting.
00:57:12When I'm irritated by people interrupting on walkie-talkies,
00:57:15I simply, well, you still don't anymore,
00:57:17just turn them off.
00:57:18I don't go,
00:57:19just talking at me and throw it out of the window.
00:57:21I had a lot of other things to do.
00:57:23Let's not get bogged down.
00:57:25They all lost their temper over in the South China Sea.
00:57:29But it was you.
00:57:29It was you.
00:57:31I think what the ladies and gentlemen would like to see now
00:57:34is some gratuitous driving round corners
00:57:37a little bit too quickly while shouting.
00:57:39Yeah.
00:57:40Here we go.
00:57:52I can't forecast real like this!
00:58:00Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
00:58:08This is not a particularly cultural thing to do,
00:58:12but it is very good fun!
00:58:16Yes!
00:58:21Holy crap!
00:58:25What a toy box today!
00:58:35Push launch.
00:58:39Full throttle.
00:58:41Boost building.
00:58:42Boost ready.
00:58:43We're going.
00:58:480 to 60 in 2.7 seconds.
00:58:53That's 120.
00:58:55150.
00:58:56100.
00:58:57Jesus.
00:58:578.
00:58:58Christ.
00:59:02Well, actually, do 186 in 18 seconds,
00:59:06flat out.
00:59:07It's 200 and late.
00:59:09That's really alarming.
00:59:12I'm going to be sick now.
00:59:15Whoa!
00:59:15Whoa!
00:59:27Construct!
00:59:29That is insane!
00:59:31I forgot dust in my face.
00:59:44What the hell?
00:59:47Whoa!
00:59:56There she is!
00:59:59There she is!
01:00:04The bell has sounded, the race is on.
01:00:11Now, we'd find out what's what on our specially designed track.
01:00:17Right round the bell end.
01:00:28I should be able to get her, heaven's sake, come on.
01:00:43Oh, she's gone wide, is there a chance here, come on.
01:00:48Come on, you can have her, no, no.
01:00:57When it gets on some, bloody hell.
01:01:10Whoa.
01:01:12Oh, shit.
01:01:23That's what Lamborghinis are all about.
01:01:28Oh, my word.
01:01:30Oh!
01:01:31Sit rep.
01:01:32The entire tyre has been consumed by the heart of the monster.
01:01:37It has.
01:01:38Do you know the thing was, the tyre pressure warning light came on.
01:01:42What could that have meant?
01:01:43Well, it meant that on this, it was specifically telling me there was a problem with this tyre.
01:01:48So I ignored it.
01:01:49Yes.
01:01:50It's a good job you're not an airline pilot.
01:01:52Yes.
01:01:53You really are useless.
01:01:56No.
01:01:57No, let's be fair.
01:01:59Because I was just thinking, who was that really old man that taught me how to do that sliding stuff?
01:02:04I don't know, but he didn't do a very good job, did he?
01:02:07It was at Kemble Airfield where British Airways now store all its old jets near Siren Sester.
01:02:11Yes.
01:02:12And we had a Lamborghini Murcielago and I couldn't make it slide to save my life.
01:02:16And this old man said, I'll show you how to do it.
01:02:19Well, whoever he was, he would have died decades ago and he was no good because you really are useless.
01:02:24Really nice chap.
01:02:25Anyway, no, I miss him. No, I've just remembered him.
01:02:27But just back to my point, he didn't do you any good because you are useless.
01:02:33You are a human being for whom there is no discernible, detectable use at all on the planet in any
01:02:39function whatsoever.
01:02:41It's only some freak set of circumstances by which you happen to invent a context in which you could operate.
01:02:48Namely, this and nothing else.
01:02:51Because essentially, left to your own devices, you can do nothing.
01:02:59Now, look.
01:03:00Now, look what?
01:03:01Hurry up. Don't let us distract you, professor, doctor.
01:03:04Listen, I have worked this out all by my own.
01:03:07The gearbox is overheated, okay?
01:03:10So I'm going to put some fluid in it.
01:03:11How much do you need to put in?
01:03:14I don't know. How much do you need to put in?
01:03:16Just put enough in.
01:03:17Yeah, put some in.
01:03:18Go on.
01:03:21It's like watching a really, really old drunk pour himself a scotch.
01:03:27Just another one.
01:03:29That concentration phase is coming out.
01:03:31There it is.
01:03:32Good to see man operating at his absolute limit.
01:03:36Right, I'm going to pop it into gear now.
01:03:38You may hear this a little bit.
01:03:45Good. First.
01:03:46Uh, put on clutch.
01:03:49And now it's time to fire up the 7-litre V12.
01:04:07It's quite normal.
01:04:13Oh, that could keep you occupied for hours.
01:04:16Why won't it go on?
01:04:17It's ridiculous.
01:04:19The last thing I knew was I was in my thirties.
01:04:21Yeah.
01:04:22Late thirties, admittedly.
01:04:23And then suddenly I'm standing in a field still watching.
01:04:25How is this possible?
01:04:29Oh, this is brilliant.
01:04:32Oh, wow.
01:04:34What a sense of achievement.
01:04:45I'm 57.
01:04:49No, no, no!
01:04:58Where are you going?
01:04:59Oh, chaps.
01:05:09What balls this up completely?
01:05:13It's his Ferraro Rocher.
01:05:17Dark sod.
01:05:18Okay, that is...
01:05:20That's not very ambassador.
01:05:21These people are trained to be suave.
01:05:24They're smart and cool.
01:05:25And you've knocked over their tower of Ferraro Rocher.
01:05:28You're a cretin.
01:05:40Let's just get this straight.
01:05:42When we get over the building,
01:05:44we leap out of the door
01:05:46and grab the rope and slide down it.
01:05:48Pretty much, yeah.
01:05:48That's it.
01:05:49That's how it goes.
01:05:50You can be leader.
01:05:52Get out there.
01:05:53Show us how it's done.
01:05:54We will follow.
01:05:55I don't want to.
01:05:57I've never climbed a rope
01:05:58or gone down one in my life before ever.
01:06:00Lead by example.
01:06:02Be an inspiration to your men.
01:06:04Yeah, exactly.
01:06:05How high will it be?
01:06:0730 feet?
01:06:09Yeah.
01:06:09You'll be fine.
01:06:10What happens if you fell 30 feet?
01:06:13Would you be going home with a head wand?
01:06:15You'd be going home in this helicopter,
01:06:16but not in that seat.
01:06:17You'd be in a bucket in the corner.
01:06:27Okay.
01:06:28Okay.
01:06:28Here it comes.
01:06:29Let's do this.
01:06:36Whoa.
01:06:37Jesus Christ.
01:06:38Stop.
01:06:39Oh, shit.
01:06:41I'm very scared.
01:06:42Wait.
01:06:43Wait.
01:06:43That's not the attitude.
01:06:44Go on then.
01:06:45I don't like it.
01:06:45Go down the road.
01:06:46I don't want to do it.
01:06:47Loosen your hands a bit.
01:06:48I don't want to.
01:06:49Do you want me to tickle you?
01:06:51You're going?
01:06:51Go on now.
01:06:52Well, go on then.
01:06:53I don't need to.
01:06:54Come on.
01:06:58Wraith!
01:07:00My trousers have fallen down.
01:07:03Ladies and gentlemen, Chuck Norris.
01:07:08A little now.
01:07:11Oh, yes.
01:07:13I've been ever in your whole life seen any-
01:07:25I mean, that is it. My arse is that far out of the seat.
01:07:28Oh, dear.
01:07:30Is there a bigger one?
01:07:31No.
01:07:33This is the... So this is the biggest?
01:07:37I won't be able to do it.
01:07:39Oh, come on. You'll miss out on a day out.
01:07:41Well, what do you want me to do?
01:07:42Be less fat.
01:07:44It's quite easy.
01:07:46Oh, God.
01:07:54I genuinely can't get out.
01:07:57Oh, dear.
01:07:58Could you help me get out?
01:08:01They have to dismantle the car around you.
01:08:04They are going to have to dismantle the car around you to get you...
01:08:11We're peeling it off him like a diving suit.
01:08:17It would have been easy just to paint a race car on him and then wipe it off.
01:08:28Handbrake!
01:08:35Oh, shit.
01:08:37Let's do this!
01:08:41Oh, shit.
01:08:42I may have clipped something there.
01:08:46Damn. Sorry about that, Phil.
01:08:51The gate. Take two.
01:08:54And turn and flick.
01:08:56Oh, dearie me.
01:08:58He's done it again.
01:08:59What?
01:09:00A massive twat.
01:09:01You just can't do it.
01:09:03I can.
01:09:03You can't.
01:09:04Well, I clipped it once.
01:09:05Well, it's still not going through some of this, is it?
01:09:07Give me...
01:09:08Could you just rebuild it once more, honestly?
01:09:12Gate.
01:09:13Take three.
01:09:16And handbrake!
01:09:17Oh, shit!
01:09:18That's the bloody...
01:09:19Oh!
01:09:26Nothing.
01:09:29Right, just get these stragglers.
01:09:32Don't go...
01:09:35Come on!
01:09:36Oh, shit!
01:09:40You've done one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven sheep.
01:09:46And broken the windscreen.
01:09:48Oh, shit!
01:09:49Oh, shit!
01:09:49Oh, shit!
01:10:09Sorry!
01:10:10What a prick.
01:10:14The funny thing is...
01:10:16I'm struggling to think of any other TV show where the host is so appallingly useless
01:10:23of what it is he's supposed to be doing.
01:10:26No, there isn't one.
01:10:26I mean, Gordon Ramsay.
01:10:27Oh, I'm burnt and it's ruined.
01:10:29And there's some...
01:10:30Oh, no, this tea towel's on fire.
01:10:32It's just...
01:10:32No, we're not.
01:10:33David Attenborough.
01:10:34I've trodden on it.
01:10:36That was the last egg.
01:10:38How did this happen?
01:10:40I don't know.
01:10:41And...
01:10:42I'm gonna be honest with you.
01:10:44It's not just me.
01:10:46Because you're pretty useless as well.
01:10:48No, you are.
01:10:49You are.
01:10:50Fairly.
01:10:51Ha-ha!
01:10:53Come on!
01:11:08Back at the finish line, my colleagues were not impressed with me.
01:11:12There's oil everywhere and coolant.
01:11:14All you had to do was go around pretending it was a bit dramatic.
01:11:18Exactly.
01:11:18And proving that a Jaguar worked properly and was durable.
01:11:21Smash through a window.
01:11:23Boot lid.
01:11:23No other words.
01:11:25Off.
01:11:26Does it actually start?
01:11:37I think he just threw a rod.
01:11:39And it's all fixable.
01:11:42I'd been on the go for ten hours, and as I was heading for another late night, I decided to
01:11:49stop and grab something to eat.
01:11:53We've been given these sort of emergency ration packs.
01:11:57So what I do is take the top off there, and that's the food, which is, I don't know, beans
01:12:03and sausages.
01:12:04That goes in there.
01:12:06And then they add a little drop of water.
01:12:11I presume this triggers some sort of chemical reaction with whatever it is in the little bag of stuff.
01:12:20I don't think that's working.
01:12:22There's no heat.
01:12:22I'd get more out of a hand warmer.
01:12:25Oh, wait a minute.
01:12:26It's inflating.
01:12:26Oh!
01:12:27Oh, no!
01:12:28Oh, my God!
01:12:29Oh!
01:12:29No, there's...
01:12:30Ah!
01:12:31Ah!
01:12:32Ah!
01:12:32Ah!
01:12:33It's...
01:12:34Oh!
01:12:35Oh, that's so hot!
01:12:36Oh, I'm burning my balls!
01:12:38Oh!
01:12:39Are you ready?
01:12:41Right.
01:12:43Perfect.
01:12:43Now, pull me along.
01:12:46Go!
01:12:47Go!
01:12:47Power!
01:12:50Oh, give me strength.
01:12:56You pulled the bloody fishing rod holder off.
01:13:00Why didn't you tie it to the fishing rod?
01:13:00Why did you tie it to the fishing...
01:13:02I didn't tie it to the fishing rod, you blithering idiot.
01:13:05Right.
01:13:06Are you ready?
01:13:07We're setting off.
01:13:17Oh!
01:13:19That one's gone upside down again!
01:13:28What the...
01:13:28Oh, jeez.
01:13:30How has he done...
01:13:35Oh!
01:13:36Oh!
01:13:38Oh!
01:13:38Oh!
01:13:43I'll pull you in!
01:13:48You know, I'm going to let you into a little secret about...
01:13:52when he sank that poor man's boat in.
01:13:55Yeah.
01:13:56He was wearing, as you may have noticed, a life jacket.
01:13:59What didn't you do when you went upside down again?
01:14:03What I didn't do was pull the cord that inflates it.
01:14:06So it was just an extra weight round my neck.
01:14:08So...
01:14:09And I did say,
01:14:10thank goodness I was wearing this!
01:14:12And somebody else pointed out,
01:14:13no.
01:14:15I hadn't inflated it.
01:14:16He hadn't inflated it.
01:14:17Yep.
01:14:17Yep, that's a true fact.
01:14:19You didn't say that right.
01:14:20You said when you sank that boat.
01:14:21You mean when you sank that poor man's boat
01:14:23that he'd spent his life savings on.
01:14:25No, I think it was his children had bought him.
01:14:28Oh, no, you're right.
01:14:30After his...
01:14:30He'd had a pretty bad diagnosis at the doctors.
01:14:33They'd said he was riddled.
01:14:34Yes.
01:14:35They bought him that boat and some fishing rods.
01:14:37So...
01:14:37Because he loved fishing.
01:14:38Yes.
01:14:38And he loved his boat.
01:14:40He adored it.
01:14:41And then Richard Herman said,
01:14:43can I borrow your boat?
01:14:44I'm not good with boats.
01:14:45And then it isn't just that we sink boats
01:14:47and crash, er,
01:14:48and wreck tyres.
01:14:49We never mastered the art
01:14:52of standing up.
01:14:54Not really.
01:15:01Ah!
01:15:03Oh!
01:15:12Oh, hello.
01:15:14Goodbye.
01:15:15Ah!
01:15:16Ah!
01:15:17Ah!
01:15:17Shit!
01:15:18Ah!
01:15:20Shit!
01:15:23Ah!
01:15:23Ah!
01:15:24Shit!
01:15:31Ah!
01:15:55Now, of course, we can all laugh about old men falling over.
01:15:59But sometimes, the laughter has to stop.
01:16:06I detect a lack of sincerity.
01:16:09I'm channelling my inner wonder.
01:16:11Oh, right.
01:16:20Okay, you ready?
01:16:21Yes.
01:16:22James May is ready.
01:16:23We'll be setting off very shortly.
01:16:25Brace.
01:16:26Brace, brace.
01:16:27Right.
01:16:28I've got the deck chair out in a good book.
01:16:32In your own time, begin.
01:16:38That was a brisk start for a James May.
01:17:07Big one.
01:17:08Big one.
01:17:09Big one.
01:17:10Big one.
01:17:29Big one.
01:17:30Oh, I'm quite nervous.
01:17:31I'm suddenly nervous.
01:17:42Okay, here we go.
01:17:43Give me your best shot, Rich.
01:17:44Yeah.
01:17:45Watch this.
01:17:46Billy, in the chair.
01:17:50Oh, my God.
01:18:04You're all right.
01:18:06That is a wiser.
01:18:07It's a wiser.
01:18:07They're all right, man.
01:18:10It's theACHEL.
01:18:11And we've been on this one.
01:18:14We've been on this one,
01:18:22I'm crashed!
01:19:11Is that why you got a helicopter license?
01:19:13So you could fly yourself to hospital?
01:19:15I'm a frequent flyer. I don't need to. I've got a gold card.
01:19:18I mean, you know you've moved in here, obviously. It's easier.
01:19:21But how many years went by without you ever having to take your own trousers off when you got home
01:19:27from work?
01:19:27Quite a few. Generally, somebody would cut them off with scissors for me.
01:19:30Exactly.
01:19:31And then they'd be gone.
01:19:32It was extraordinary, wasn't it?
01:19:33It's remarkable to see you with a pair of trousers on, actually.
01:19:37Something occurs to me.
01:19:38Hmm?
01:19:39Over all the years we made that show, you were the only one who was never grievously injured.
01:19:43What?!
01:19:49Ow!
01:19:51F***!
01:19:55I was actually acting.
01:19:57Were you? That was pretend.
01:19:58It was a pretend penis injury.
01:19:59It was.
01:20:00Anyway, is that it?
01:20:01I think we're finished.
01:20:02No.
01:20:03What?
01:20:03No, no, no.
01:20:04The lawyers.
01:20:06What?
01:20:06The really small print.
01:20:07The small print of the small print.
01:20:09What?
01:20:09We've got to do three of these.
01:20:11Really?
01:20:11Well, we've got to do two more?
01:20:12Yes.
01:20:14Two more of these best-ofs?
01:20:15Yes.
01:20:17And on that terrible disappointment, we'll be back soon with more of this.
01:20:23See ya.
01:20:26.
01:20:26.
01:20:27.
01:20:27.
01:20:27.
01:20:28.
01:20:39.
01:20:41.
01:20:53.
01:20:53.
01:20:53.
01:20:55.
01:20:56.
01:20:57.
01:20:57.
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