- 9 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:19Cross.
00:26:26Okay.
00:26:32Artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:38First things first, when I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on Earth and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd. I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and fuck
00:26:57name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay. Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card. Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy, take another card. Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point. Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later. You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future hi-li, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this seem a
00:28:07little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:09I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:13Oh! What did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:21Yeah, but I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will! I just told my friends,
00:28:34Gang, I'll be back in a month! And then I left them 20 bowls of food and I filled the
00:28:39bathtub with milk!
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here. You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June. That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:02Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:19Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap.
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:42No, we will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:53Can we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:01Oh, God.
00:30:10Ow.
00:30:12I slept on my arm weird.
00:30:15God, this aerobed half deflated.
00:30:17Oh, my neck.
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took... we took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil Peep died?
00:30:35Oh.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all gonna take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys...
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says, Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's... yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:50As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:56Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments the airlock door will open
00:31:09and in front of the watching world we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:25This is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around.
00:31:35Gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:43The first and most important rule is have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room and be back here for our first Martian lunch at 1400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Whitney.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband with a wife who is quite a beauty on the inside,
00:32:17a proud father to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes, and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist, which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:30And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars into the first completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa!
00:32:52Elrond, did you make all this yourself?
00:32:55I had a little help from my good friend, murdered Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is Mechanical Ultra Responsive Dietary Electronic Robotic Energized Delivery Meal Interface Dietary Wellness Efficiency System Tactile Edible
00:33:20Responsorous Nutrition Home War Mobile Omnivorous Sustenance Expeditious Xeno Culinary User Aligned Lunch Tool Enabled Eating Nourishment Aging Gastronomical Electronic
00:33:28Robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit of a mouthful, so we call it the Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager for short.
00:33:35That's really weird and offensive. I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind prototype, but in a few years, Lord willing, every town from Chicago to
00:33:44New Orleans will have its own Murdered Midwestern Homosexual Teenager.
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words seemed unnecessary.
00:33:51You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it. Take it up with the good people that the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:57I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company. It stands for Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay, so how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like a 3D printer for food. You just say whatever you want it to make, and it-
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby, wear my silk pajama when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit when they play your song.
00:34:24You got your, you got your, you got your, you got your run, yeah.
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:44Whoa. Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning. This is a surprise.
00:34:51Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well, are we sure you didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep. This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well, last night was the first in 18 years that I didn't share my bed with my lovely on
00:35:03-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep, I must have wandered over here, mistaking your bodily warmth for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well, I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people on both sides of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces in the-
00:35:29Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy? Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really great group we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fuckin' Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy.
00:35:53You know what that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Oh, okay.
00:35:58What-what's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later?
00:36:02From future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow.
00:36:05Look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:08Now, I know the Martian landscape can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:11but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right.
00:36:17Okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello to your very own-
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:33What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait.
00:36:35How is...
00:36:35How...
00:36:36How...
00:36:36How is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis, I asked if you wanted surprise now or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we...
00:36:46Can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:03Hi.
00:37:04I'm Candace.
00:37:06Kyle's fiance.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is...
00:37:12This is crazy.
00:37:13This is all so surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose surprise later, I knew we had to think of something really good for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it right then, Candace showed up at the launch pad and was going on and
00:37:25on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out, I said, what the heck? Send her up in a supply pod. Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000. Yeah.
00:37:46Uh, Candace, could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know, I'm sensing a little hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle. Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no. I just, I feel like you're in...
00:38:00I mean, I don't want to tell you how you feel, but I imagine that you would have the right
00:38:06to be frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle. Yeah, but, um, you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad. Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no. I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad. Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah, fine. I mean, it just, it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help! She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:34Okay, everyone, seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first, this is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today, Kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing without a spacesuit when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have your spacesuit on and you're going to take a walk on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle and give the voice command,
00:39:11Airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh! Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy. Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay. Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command, abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it!
00:39:36I am doing it. I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:40You gotta hurry, Airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle, I'm gonna take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock.
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry. I didn't quite get you.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry. I was telling Kyle to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't gonna say anything.
00:40:00You just did it right there!
00:40:01Evacuating airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11I'm sorry, Elrond!
00:40:12Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:14Everyone, shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:18Abort airlock.
00:40:22Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!
00:40:24What the fuck?
00:40:25Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!
00:40:26Oh my gosh!
00:40:27Did that just happen?
00:40:28Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:35who Elrond the billionaire guy that brought us here the Elrond the main guy
00:40:42Elrond all right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:49holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not fucking cool Elrond Branson was
00:40:56the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy Lord God Almighty
00:41:01fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads
00:41:14together his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it
00:41:17you're dumb holy shit he won't stop singing oh I'm sorry I'm just the only one trying to get us
00:41:24out of this mess how uh by sending a little SOS to the big man upstairs but Wimmy God's not
00:41:31real Peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy God while
00:41:39you're at it I didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock close airlock close hey come on
00:41:45Wimmy leave Peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying Kyle I mean Peggy is
00:41:51obviously she's you know Peggy I don't want to offend you but I mean you're you're obviously
00:41:58like you have a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh I'm sorry no that that came out
00:42:07wrong look it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now I'm sure each one
00:42:12of
00:42:12us in this room has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive
00:42:19everyone here so that we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together moving
00:42:26forward Todd what is with the attitude I don't have an attitude well I'm not your fucking dad man
00:42:31I know you're not my dad my dad is awesome is Alron okay
00:42:42okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get them
00:42:47to pick us up and take us home I know hit this one Peggy don't touch this is dangerous okay
00:42:54from now
00:42:54on no one touches anything Todd telecom it's short for telecommunications mission control can you hear
00:43:11us guys guys guys we are so sorry about Elron it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras
00:43:20uh what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just have the ship
00:43:29automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button um Peggy already did
00:43:36what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just disengaged all the
00:43:43return boosters oh thank you Peggy did I fix it well now now what are we screwed is there is
00:43:49there
00:43:50another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a plan B oh
00:43:57thank God
00:43:57yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five years
00:44:04five years did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole
00:44:10years maybe you should have thought about that before you killed Alron Branson he was a candle in the wind
00:44:16and a rocket man that dude what a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools you
00:44:27guys
00:44:27just think you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then
00:44:34Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame
00:44:57Toby can we go frame by frame here someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by
00:45:01frame
00:45:01okay here we go now he's like oh I'm in trouble I'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where I think
00:45:15he died what about you I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me I have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:24getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning
00:45:29the loss of billionaire philanthropist Alron Branson and watching the developments with bated breath so
00:45:35much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events in
00:45:41the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only
00:45:46person who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up I tell you it
00:45:50must be
00:45:51incredibly incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not
00:45:57the women's bathroom I like the way you think stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up
00:46:02but you're going to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:32I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break
00:46:37you're hurt you're angry you want to fuck somebody you're being crazy oh my god I wouldn't even think
00:46:44okay sweet that is not why I came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information
00:46:51crazy girls are the best in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh
00:47:03hey Peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in
00:47:09here
00:47:09anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody
00:47:18has ever said that to me literally that's a shame because I think you're fucking sexy
00:47:26Candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music
00:47:34grab a bottle of ever clear and Candace I'm gonna stop you right there and don't stick my fingers in
00:47:41crazy what it's my one rule don't get me wrong Candace you're a very attractive woman and I'd be lying
00:47:48if I said I wasn't flattered but I know where this road leads and it's not a place where either
00:47:54of us
00:47:54would feel what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there Wimmy right
00:48:13all right okay hi Candace I was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is
00:48:24so
00:48:24fucking hard what say you and I have a little drink let me stop you right there I do not
00:48:30imbibe but I am
00:48:32happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol you're funny listen women you're a man with knees I'm a woman with knees what do you say
00:48:46we help each other out what no no no no no no no no no no I am taken here's
00:48:51the tillium's clan right
00:48:52here ah what Candace we just adulteried I adulteried I just betrayed
00:49:06my wife and children
00:49:11I'm sorry I just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and Kyle has me
00:49:17feel like
00:49:18I'm losing my mind I'm not usually like this I swear okay well the Lord has everything happen for a
00:49:27reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay John 3 16 says for God so
00:49:35loved the
00:49:35earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but Wimmy we're not on earth well it says earth but
00:49:43it
00:49:43means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system Candace well way back
00:49:50when this was written God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it to other planets
00:49:56well I mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably didn't I mean hold on
00:50:04hey hey I mean I get it guys in high school I wasn't the most popular guy either I didn't
00:50:09even kiss a
00:50:10girl until I was 18 18 18 that's not dirty that's cool I didn't mean 18 it wasn't 18 I
00:50:19don't know why
00:50:20I said that it was way later it was like like 20 29 29 I was 29 oh okay that's
00:50:29pretty lame I guess
00:50:31I mean I kissed a girl when I was 28 I didn't but I could have wait a minute wait
00:50:36a minute wait a minute
00:50:37you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now
00:50:44yeah right get out of here you don't really think that well I don't know I'm getting some real cool
00:50:50vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be really cool though
00:50:55if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home well I guess us cools
00:51:03have to
00:51:03stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy but I think if we all keep our cool
00:51:13we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceships
00:51:18fuel reserve tank Kyle I'm so sorry can we talk just just just a minute Candace the mission control
00:51:25guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to divert the fuel from the
00:51:30station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting generators got it I cheated on
00:51:37you with Wimmy with Wimmy what why weird okay all right look Candace that is really shitty and we will
00:51:46have to talk about that but I gotta do this right now this is what I'm talking about I travel
00:51:52all the
00:51:52way through space to get to Mars to talk to you and all you do is ignore me guys is
00:51:58this resting
00:51:59generator thing an outside kind of deal or is this somewhere in the ship here that is outside of
00:52:04the ship right on the underside of the central pond two years of my life Kyle my two best years
00:52:15wasted with
00:52:16you oh my god oh my god stop oh my god I could have married Brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord
00:52:54the earth is the lords of the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she fucking broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12Todd I don't know how to fix the container and I saw her do it she threw the thing and
00:53:18then it made
00:53:18the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking about
00:53:23we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because I saw the fucking air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this bitch no no do not judge me until
00:53:38I
00:53:38have finished my sentence because then you will see that she has murdered you and she has murdered you
00:53:47and she has murdered me and she has also committed suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy there
00:53:57is no God here we abandoned him when we left the earth he has no jurisdiction up here the red
00:54:03planet
00:54:03is the planet of the devil okay first of all I'm gonna apologize to the room I lost my cool
00:54:12there I said
00:54:13some things that didn't need to be said and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected
00:54:18what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that part about you being the leader again
00:54:24Kyle do you want to play future tennis with me Kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that
00:54:30makes
00:54:30the person you claim to have love for two years come and see you after you tried to run away
00:54:34from
00:54:34them okay Candace can we can we try and stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a bell
00:54:39you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a
00:54:44perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's
00:54:49all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up
00:54:54the gas
00:54:54tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh-huh I'm guessing their plan involves something like
00:55:00diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior
00:55:04switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute okay I don't want to offend you
00:55:09right now but are you smart uh I don't want to offend you but are you smart Todd can I
00:55:17get a sidebar
00:55:18really quick Candace and Wemmy are very crazy and Peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird
00:55:26way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh I think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also I don't need that I find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars I didn't say anything I should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french I swear now what are you talking about I was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my
00:56:01own flesh treat my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts
00:56:08outside of marriage and I don't give a damn and guess what I loved it now I get what all
00:56:16the fuss is
00:56:17about why are you telling me all this I'm here to take you up on your offer I want to
00:56:22do every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40I mean it is to me a little bit I mean that's a big that's a big deal
00:56:45oh Todd be careful oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical I was an indoor kid I can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:16yeah I wasn't talking
00:57:23I can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard I'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:34oh Candace you need to relax more so I can stuff it in there I just got it in I'm
00:57:42in we are having
00:57:44sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn I gotta say Todd I am pretty impressed
00:57:54oh great I impressed Kyle that means a lot when I get home everyone will be like hey Todd how
00:57:59was
00:57:59Mars I'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while I was up there I impressed
00:58:03some
00:58:03idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue with me seriously
00:58:11seriously yeah I don't like the way you treat women I'm sorry excuse me the way I treat women did
00:58:18I bash
00:58:19her face in with the lamp did I throw a monitor at her head it just didn't really sit well
00:58:24with me the
00:58:25way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean to me she's been treating
00:58:30me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined my life she ruins
00:58:35your life she came all the way up to Mars for you she is crazy yeah because you've made her
00:58:40crazy look
00:58:41you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just been stringing her
00:58:44along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with her
00:58:50let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna
00:58:56go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:11I can't imagine how good it must have beenveled because you don't mind are with his
00:59:20a Tôi sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ
00:59:21sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ sẽ
00:59:21sẽ sẽ sẽ은 thú vị
00:59:21Hey there handsome devil
00:59:29when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends there's always one
00:59:37thing that you can count on. I'm talking about friends. You can always count on friends
00:59:45to lift you up when you are down. Friends are always there for you when no one else
00:59:54is around. Friends! That's what I'm talking about. Friends! You'd be a mess without friends.
01:00:08Monica, Phoebe, Russ, Joey Chandler, and Rachel. They're the gang that you want to be with
01:00:18whenever you are able. Friends! You'd be a mess without friends. Buy it on Amazon. Friends!
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by? Like Tom Selleck,
01:00:42Giovanni Ribisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney? And last but not least, we had
01:00:50Brad Pitt! Harder than anyone! Brad Pitt! King of celebrities! Yeah!
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down. Last night I dreamt that they renamed
01:01:11Hollywood's Brad Pitt Town. Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again. Fuck!
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me! Stop trying to make me the bad guy here!
01:01:24Stop acting like one! Uh, okay, so sorry about that. Uh, you missed a couple things. Basically,
01:01:31what happened was, while Todd finished fixing the ship, Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that
01:01:36that stuff that Todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her, but he still didn't really
01:01:41have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt. So she's still confused and unhappy, so she got all
01:01:47pissed,
01:01:47and then he got all defensive, and it was a pretty good scene. Anyway, sorry, sorry again.
01:01:52Watch for hands! I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle. Either love me or let me go.
01:02:01Look, I... I really do care about you, but I... Well, by my calculations, we got 10 minutes of air
01:02:08left,
01:02:09so let's do this thing.
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system, but this cord should pull enough juice from the main
01:02:17comm board for us to blast off. Holy shit, dude. I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:21All right, that's it. Mars sucked. Fuck it. Let's go home.
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy wants to come with us, you better hurry his ass up wherever he
01:02:32is.
01:02:33Dying!
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin, and Whimmy likey. Whimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh my god!
01:02:48There is no god up here, Kyle. I have abandoned the way of the lamb. I now worship the goat.
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices, more blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00Say what?
01:03:01Scott, let's go!
01:03:03Death, safety, evil, and evil.
01:03:04Peggy, Candace, get in the ship! We gotta get out of here!
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats.
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy, a cross.
01:03:11What? Jesus? Remember how much you like your buddy, Jesus?
01:03:24We're in. We made it. We're all here.
01:03:25Huh?
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead.
01:03:27Right, yeah, that's, uh, right, yeah. That, that's, that's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right, yeah, he, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right? Come on, let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3.
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where aren't we going? Where's two? Where's one?
01:04:00Face me! Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again.
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:14I, I just, I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you, you deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Oh, a challenger.
01:04:34Whimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this corner, fighting for the side of Satan.
01:04:40Whimmy, tell ya.
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ, Kyle.
01:04:49Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there and I'm gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it, that it would end up the two of us locked in battle.
01:05:09No, sir.
01:05:13Kyle!
01:05:20Hey, hey.
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:19Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:41This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:27who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors. That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace
01:07:54up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth. Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:18Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a... dopey twink?
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:07Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No!
01:09:14No!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle! I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler! They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right! You fucked with the wrong people this time!
01:09:32I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp! Chomp chomp!
01:09:40I told you all I know!
01:09:41Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic,
01:09:47cyber, anthropomorphic, utility systems, treatment, worldwide, analytic software!
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated!
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself,
01:09:57so he links up with this company and promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy!
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in!
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit! This will be some drama! Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes! I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years! Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station!
01:10:30Full fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh! My skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters, and I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there!
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name!
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker! It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet!
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twinks! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars! Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:56The whole thing was a giant scam! Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death
01:12:03and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:24The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:35Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carla, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now.
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:06Whoop!
01:13:09Whoop!
01:13:10Whoop!
01:13:12Whoop!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15The twinks!
01:13:17Ride them up!
01:13:20Oh, no.
01:13:35Bashball! I'm out of ammo.
01:13:37Throw me another clip.
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter.
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:47No!
01:13:54No!
01:13:56No!
01:13:57No!
01:14:01No!
01:14:02No!
01:14:05No!
01:14:09367 people were killed today
01:14:12in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada,
01:14:14a horrific scene that led authorities to discover
01:14:17Sir L. Ron Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding,
01:14:24but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir L. Ron Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts
01:14:46are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon,
01:15:03who's gonna be playing Guess Who
01:15:04with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Huh.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:05until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government
01:17:18to give us our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example
01:17:21of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country
01:17:26telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool.
01:17:40But, uh, what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:58Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence
01:18:08of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:31We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:44And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:57There's a beautiful lot here.
01:19:58There's a big girl in the world.
01:20:06Oh, he has no idea what's gonna happen.
01:20:26You're a bad person.
01:20:26You're a bad person.
01:20:26We were the stars at night, brighter than the stars, all right, in their cars, they were out all night,
01:20:41they were friends of me, acting crazy and I don't know why.
01:20:52The whitest kids of all time, the whitest kids of all time, twice as strong as the river, electricity,
01:21:20twice as wide and twice as high as the sky and the sea.
01:21:29Yeah, all they came out of history, the whitest kids you've ever seen, the whitest kids you've ever seen.
01:21:58I am the Hiccup Jumbo.
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends, there's always one thing that
01:22:09you can count on, I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13Friends, you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down, and friends are always there
01:22:21for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about, friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:32Friends, Monica, Phoebe and Ross, Joey Tandler and Rachel, they're the gang you wanna be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends, friendship never friends.
01:22:53True story, my cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he'd fuck with Stefani.
01:23:11My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon, friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that tape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt.
01:24:11America's sweetheart, Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:33Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt Sexiest Men Alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed, sorry.
01:24:54I'm sorry.
01:24:55I'm sorry.
01:24:55I'm sorry.
01:24:56I'm sorry.
01:24:59I'm sorry.
01:25:00I'm sorry.
01:25:01I'm sorry.
01:25:01So much for the Santa Claus, I have to ask for you.
01:25:02Now I'm sorry in the name of the show.
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