- 1 day ago
Mock the Week - Season 22 - Episode 03
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:41Transcription by CastingWords
01:27Transcription by CastingWords
01:56Transcription by CastingWords
02:26Transcription by CastingWords
02:46Transcription by CastingWords
02:49Transcription by CastingWords
03:05Transcription by CastingWords
03:37Transcription by CastingWords
04:07Transcription by CastingWords
04:36Transcription by CastingWords
05:01Transcription by CastingWords
05:15Transcription by CastingWords
05:32Transcription by CastingWords
05:45Transcription by CastingWords
06:29Transcription by CastingWords
06:59Transcription by CastingWords
07:29Transcription by CastingWords
07:55Transcription by CastingWords
08:10Transcription by CastingWords
08:56Transcription by CastingWords
09:19TranscriptionWords
09:40TranscriptionWords
10:05Transcription by CastingWords
10:24TranscriptionWords
10:31TranscriptionWords
11:12TranscriptionWords
11:54TranscriptionWords
12:14TranscriptionWords
12:31TranscriptionWords
12:45TranscriptionWords
13:13TranscriptionWords
13:29TranscriptionWords
13:43TranscriptionWords
14:02TranscriptionWords
14:51TranscriptionWords
15:21TranscriptionWords
15:41TranscriptionWords
16:18TranscriptionWords
16:51TranscriptionWords
17:01TranscriptionWords
17:33TranscriptionWords
18:09TranscriptionWords
18:41TranscriptionWords
19:21TranscriptionWords
19:43TranscriptionWords
20:21TranscriptionWords
20:46TranscriptionWords
20:58TranscriptionWords
21:00TranscriptionWords
21:14TranscriptionWords
21:16TranscriptionWords
21:25TranscriptionWords
21:58TranscriptionWords
21:59TranscriptionWords
22:09TranscriptionWords
22:10TranscriptionWords
22:10TranscriptionWords
22:11One more look. Not how that works, either.
22:15Just get the WD-40.
22:18Is it at what age did I stop wearing gloves
22:21that were connected by a piece of string?
22:25Is it how many people actually got Covid?
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33The BBC, we say what we want on TLC.
22:37What have you been doing for three years?
22:39I'm going to shoot off. It's been so nice, everyone. Thank you.
22:42I've been in a cave in Royston.
22:44You've been online all the time for three years.
22:47You don't catch it because you use Xenon gas.
22:51And WD-40, well, it's a conspiracy.
22:55Is it what percentage of the Beatles have a parking app named after them?
22:59Eh? Yeah.
23:03Yeah.
23:04APPLAUSE
23:07Paid by Phil McCartney was really pissed off.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:11Is it how many people my dad thinks I'm talking about
23:15when I describe somebody using they, their pronouns?
23:18LAUGHTER
23:20Is it what's Rhys James' inside leg?
23:22Yeah.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:25Is it how old does Rhys James look?
23:29Unless you get very close to him?
23:32LAUGHTER
23:32Is it how many ounces of bull semen I rub on my face every day
23:35to keep these young people?
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Is it how many months old did Dara lose his hair?
23:42Oh!
23:43I mean, I...
23:44You know he's bald, right?
23:46I was also born bald.
23:48I mean, I didn't just get it for, like, a year...
23:51Oh, OK, we get it. You're a scientist.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:57LAUGHTER
23:59APPLAUSE
24:02Is it how many seconds are there between Richard Attenborough
24:04saying welcome and to Jurassic Park?
24:08LAUGHTER
24:08Is it how many days of my cottage cheese advent calendar
24:11remain unopened?
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15That's why you're not putting on muscle.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18Is it what channel number is TLC? What is TLC?
24:21Depending on which service you're on.
24:24Anything from 12 to 133.
24:26It's a...
24:26It's a wonderful journey every Sunday evening.
24:29Thank you for finding us.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32You must be weary, Traveller.
24:34Yeah!
24:34OK, rest your...
24:36your tired finger.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:40Is it how many...
24:41No, I haven't finished yet.
24:43Still in the 70s.
24:44He's giving up with his WD-40.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48Is it how many hours does it take my four-year-old son
24:50to eat a fucking sandwich?
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53Sorry, I've got problems at home.
24:54Yeah, I know.
24:55We all get that.
24:56Is it how many times during a haircut
24:57do I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
24:59I should not have become a hairdresser?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02What comes after M in M25?
25:06LAUGHTER
25:06I'm pretty glad I pushed for that.
25:08LAUGHTER
25:09OK, what is the actual question?
25:11This is what...
25:13How many Winter Olympics have there been?
25:15Correct!
25:15Thank you very much, Hugh.
25:16Well done!
25:21Yes, the question I was looking for was,
25:23how many Winter Olympics have there been, including this one?
25:26The 25th Winter Olympics is underway in Milan, Cortina,
25:28and will feature 2,900 athletes from 90 countries
25:31competing in 116 events.
25:33So, have you all been watching the Festival of Sliding in Gravity?
25:37It's a lot more dangerous than the normal Olympics, isn't it?
25:39It really is, yeah.
25:40There's so much more jeopardy.
25:42Instantaneously dangerous.
25:43It's crazy, the normal Olympics is like,
25:45oh, how far can you jump into this sandpit?
25:47This is like, prepare for the icy slide of death.
25:51We now sent you over a cliff.
25:52You weren't expecting that, were you?
25:55The equivalent would be if the Summer Olympics,
25:57if the 100 metres was on, like,
25:58the top of a skyscraper that was exactly 100 metres wide.
26:01And they were being chased by a lion.
26:03Yeah.
26:03And now we shall pour washing-up liquid all over the planet.
26:08Ready to go?
26:10A lot of it is this,
26:11the glow element to it all, yeah.
26:13The athletes from around the world,
26:15including two athletes from Greenland,
26:17who are taking part in the biathlon,
26:18which is the one where you ski and shoot.
26:20And because they're here,
26:22Greenland is undefended.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26There's an actual competitive skiing and shooting
26:29at the same time?
26:29Yes, biathlon.
26:30Well, not the same, you do stuff.
26:34You do shoot, I don't know what you should, target.
26:36You shoot targets, yeah.
26:37What do you think would you shoot?
26:38Elk.
26:39Elk.
26:40I mean, I think that would be more interesting.
26:41But they don't do like that with figure skating and stuff, do they?
26:44No, no, no.
26:44You don't have to pick them off like that.
26:47You'll just spin really fast while shooting a target.
26:49Then you're really dizzy,
26:50like, don't kill anyone.
26:52Oh, she's praying wildly.
26:54Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:56What have ski jumpers at this year's game
26:58has been warned against doing this?
26:59Enlarging their penises.
27:01Enlarging their penises.
27:02Because it actually makes you better at ski jumping,
27:05whereas in the hurdles...
27:09Yeah, they've been injecting, like, acid or something.
27:11It's hyaluronic acid.
27:12It's hyaluronic acid, right?
27:13And I read it because it's dangerous because apparently
27:15there's loads of side effects if you do this,
27:16to try and increase the size of your penis.
27:18But apparently, some of the side effects,
27:21memory loss...
27:22Erm...
27:24It is...
27:25It's also...
27:26It is also...
27:28Hugh, let them finish the most reluctant round
27:31of a plausible title.
27:35Hyaluronic acid is also the active ingredient
27:37in lots of anti-aging things.
27:39Yes, it is, yeah.
27:39It has L'Oreal and...
27:40It will tell you, right?
27:42So not only does it give you a bigger penis,
27:44it takes years off it.
27:46It's much less wrinkly.
27:48That's why I feel sorry for penises,
27:49because they're born looking old.
27:52Much like myself.
27:55Well...
27:55So, yeah, hyaluronic acid and paraffin.
27:58So it does sound so dangerous.
28:00Like, it does sound like something you don't want to do,
28:01but apparently you only have to gain, like, a couple of inches.
28:03Because this is, again, a science thing for you.
28:05I can have...
28:06This one I did a couple.
28:07An aerodynamic thing.
28:08So they think only...
28:09Because last Olympics they got in trouble for just, like,
28:12opening their groins a couple of centimetres,
28:14like the costumes a little bit.
28:16Apparently, yeah, just like an inch or something,
28:17and then you can gain feet and feet when you're actually...
28:19You can get 2.8 metres per centimetre of cloth.
28:22Essentially, the aim is to be as much like a flying squirrel as possible.
28:26Yeah.
28:26Like a famously well-hung animal.
28:29I don't understand this news story.
28:32What is a penis?
28:36It's horrible, you wouldn't like it.
28:39I couldn't believe it when I heard the words acid,
28:41because I guess if you're trying to get rid of a body,
28:43you have to be really specific about which acid you're using.
28:45Otherwise, you stood over a bath being like,
28:47it's not dissolving and the dick is getting bigger.
28:51It would be the most flattering doping test to be called in before,
28:53though, wouldn't it?
28:54Just going, oh, come with me, big boy,
28:55we've got to check out what's going on there.
28:56This sounds like an excuse men would give, too.
29:00They're like, no, no, no, mine's big enough,
29:01I'm just doing it for my country.
29:03Yeah.
29:04And it's caused all this scandal.
29:05Some people are calling it Penis Gate,
29:07which I thought was a nice name for, like,
29:10that bit at the Y-fronts.
29:12Oh, yeah.
29:13I thought that was the Penis Gate.
29:15Never thought you referred to it as Penis Gate.
29:18Oh, just popped out the Penis Gate.
29:19Can you close the Penis Gate?
29:21Yeah.
29:22But it's not only...
29:23Presumably it's not only ski jumping.
29:24I would have thought penising laser must help me in the pole vault.
29:28No, it would be the opposite.
29:29It would be the opposite.
29:30You need a shrinking injection in the pole vault.
29:31Yeah, you need to...
29:32You wouldn't need a pole vault.
29:33You need to ice pack your...
29:36But now they're doing it by measuring, like, the bottom,
29:39like, how far your genitals go down.
29:41So surely this benefits elderly men with their drooping balls.
29:44Yeah.
29:45And every ski jumper should just be 90 years old.
29:48They wouldn't weigh nothing.
29:49They would fly through the Air Force.
29:51Please, please.
29:52That's a picture of Captain Tom.
29:57Why has Elon Musk been in the news this week?
29:59He wants to launch a million satellites.
30:02Yes, he does.
30:02Into space.
30:03He does.
30:04For, like, AI centres,
30:05and he wants them all to be solar powered,
30:07because he's a light supremacist.
30:10But it does feel like a bit of a distraction
30:12if you have just been announced in the Epstein files, doesn't it?
30:14Just going, look up there, there's a million satellites!
30:18It is, Dara.
30:19Sorry to bombard you with science questions,
30:20but how can they be solar powered in space when it's dark?
30:23Oh!
30:25The sun's there.
30:26Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in space.
30:28Yeah, it is.
30:29He tweeted, he went,
30:29it's always sunny in space.
30:31Yeah.
30:31It's like, specifically not.
30:32It's pitch black.
30:33Why is it never blue sky on the map?
30:34Why is space black, Dara?
30:36Hello, Dara.
30:37Tell us.
30:39Why won't you tell us?
30:40It's not a secret.
30:41I'm not keeping it from you.
30:43And it's not like I've been sworn to secrecy on this one.
30:46I'm not even going,
30:48they're on to us, they're on to us.
30:49And there's an engine running,
30:51and Brian Cox in the car going,
30:52come now, come now!
30:55This is a bit like a filibuster.
30:57It's a lot of a question.
30:58It's not night time in space.
31:00No, so it all follows the trajectory of the sun,
31:03so you can arrange it so it's always on the sunny side,
31:05isn't that right?
31:05You can't...
31:06You could.
31:07Or they just get...
31:08They're batteries, eh?
31:09And they just get lit when they go around.
31:10It doesn't explain why it's dark in space.
31:12It's day.
31:13The space is...
31:14Yeah, but the space,
31:14when you're in space,
31:15you can see that the sun is still there.
31:16What time is it in space?
31:17Oh, my God.
31:18LAUGHTER
31:24And is it fun in space?
31:27Yeah, actually,
31:28because none of this happens.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32OK, at the end of that round,
31:33the points go to Glen, Hugh and Sarah.
31:36APPLAUSE
31:39Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
31:50Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
31:53In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
31:55this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other
31:57with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
32:00Would anyone care to start us off?
32:02I'll start.
32:02Go on.
32:03So, I have therapy,
32:05and I was telling my therapist about how I was bullied at school
32:08and she asked me to describe it
32:09and then she said,
32:10Oh, that's not bullying.
32:12You just weren't liked.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:16Pretty bad, though.
32:18Pretty bad.
32:18Oh, my God!
32:19Pretty bad.
32:19That's amazing!
32:21Did she say that whilst flushing your head down the toilet?
32:25LAUGHTER
32:25That's how she cleans away my tears at the end of the session.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:29You think that's bad?
32:30My therapist actually recommended I quit doing stand-up
32:33in a YouTube comment about six months before we met.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:38I've started going to therapy because I've got anger issues
32:40and I'm working, I get really angry about stuff that doesn't matter,
32:42but I already know where I get it from.
32:44I get it from my biological father,
32:45who's a really angry guy, my biological father.
32:47The main thing he gets angry about is that he raised me my whole life
32:49and he's my normal dad, but I still call him that for a laugh.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:53If you think that's bad,
32:55I recommended Harold Shipman to be ambassador to Morocco.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00You think that's bad,
33:01my husband stopped listening to Joe Rogan
33:03because he thought he was too woke.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:06If you think that's bad,
33:08I once went to the shop to buy cauliflower,
33:11but I accidentally bought a cabbage
33:13and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:18LAUGHTER
33:23When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:27Oh, no, I'll get one more layer.
33:29I'll get one more layer.
33:31It must be in here.
33:32And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:33to have made that up.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:37That is very bad,
33:38but that's sort of bad in vegetables.
33:40I think this is worse.
33:41My son towed four the other day
33:42and some of the parents were sort of standing around
33:44at the party chatting,
33:45and that's how I found out
33:46that I'm supposed to have been making him brush his teeth.
33:48Oh!
33:49I thought that was something we all sort of did for ourselves.
33:51I was supposed to have been, like,
33:52shoving a toothbrush in his mouth every day.
33:54You thought there was an instinct that kicked in.
33:56Come and see!
33:56See what you've done, like, the taste in him.
33:57It's had teeth for ages.
34:00I can't wait to hear how shitty your therapist is about this.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06I'll tell you what's really good for cleaning your teeth.
34:08What?
34:08WD-40.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:11That's why my teeth are so clean.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:14Hanging out with you-know-who.
34:16You think that's bad?
34:17I was a really small child, can you guess?
34:19No, were you?
34:20Yeah, exactly.
34:21I was.
34:21I was a small child.
34:22Go fuck yourself.
34:26But my mum used to measure mine and my brother's heights
34:28by marking it on the kitchen door frame every six months
34:30to see how much we'd grown,
34:32and mine stayed the same for so long,
34:33people would come round and assume I had died.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:38You know, as you get older, you get more hair.
34:41You get hair in strange places.
34:42I plucked a nose hair the other day,
34:45and my tonsils came out with it.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:49You know, plucking a nose hair,
34:50it can actually break a nose if you don't ask the person first.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:56I give it round.
34:57The poets go to Therese and Katara!
35:01APPLAUSE
35:03Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
35:06so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
35:08please.
35:08I'll read out this week's topics
35:10and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
35:12OK, here we go.
35:13The first subject is...
35:15Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
35:18It's happened.
35:19They've risen from the dead,
35:20and now they're here to mock more weeks.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:27We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
35:29We need you to befriend a nonce.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:35The terrorists have seized the President and taken him hostage,
35:39and since then, everything's felt quite lovely.
35:42LAUGHTER
35:47Finally, we meet, Bond.
35:49I just need to finish my interpretive dance and I'll be bothered with you.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:55LAUGHTER
36:01I am Thanos.
36:04The talking bookcase from Ikea.
36:12The calls are coming from inside the house.
36:15We have a landline?
36:17LAUGHTER
36:20My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.
36:23Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,
36:25and ambassador for men's mental health.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:32I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
36:35telling him to put the fucking toilet seat down.
36:39LAUGHTER
36:43They say the killer comes from a musical theatre background,
36:46and they could be among us as we speak.
36:49LAUGHTER
36:52I've come here from the dying alien planet of Krypton
36:55to save mankind, which, on reflection,
36:58is not something I should have told the ICE agent.
37:01LAUGHTER
37:06How have I shit myself this badly?
37:09LAUGHTER
37:11If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
37:15The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
37:19LAUGHTER
37:23I'm ready for the revolution,
37:24and I've brought the wavy vanilla ice cream between layers
37:26of crisp chocolate.
37:27Sorry, V for Vendetta.
37:31LAUGHTER
37:36And you see, the thing is,
37:37he's got those cold, lifeless eyes,
37:40black eyes like dolls' eyes,
37:42and then you hear that horrible, high-pitched,
37:44BLIPPY BLOPPY BLOPPY!
37:46LAUGHTER
37:51My love, Cinderella has left this shoe behind,
37:55so now I need every woman in the kingdom
37:58to show me her feet.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02What do you mean?
38:03It's a completely normal plan.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:08Some say you can still hear the farmer who used to live here
38:11milking the cows in the middle of the night.
38:13So if anyone hears anything that sounds like that,
38:15that's what it is, OK?
38:18LAUGHTER
38:20Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
38:23I'm sorry, Dara.
38:25I can't do that.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:32How long does it take you to defuse a bomb?
38:34I don't know, about ten minutes?
38:35You've got 30 seconds!
38:37All right, then I can't.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:43I still can't do that, Dara.
38:46LAUGHTER
38:51Well, I'm here with my friends.
38:53There's a lion, he would like some courage,
38:56and there's a scarecrow, and he would like a brain.
38:59And then there's a tin man,
39:00and he would like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his joints.
39:04LAUGHTER
39:05LAUGHTER
39:10No, no, no.
39:15I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
39:17asking him to notice that my hair
39:19is a completely different fucking colour today.
39:24I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
39:29realising it's a mirror,
39:30and that gender is a social construct.
39:32LAUGHTER
39:36Not the week has changed!
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40Well, yeah, of course I spent my money
39:41populating this place with dinosaurs.
39:43What else is a billionaire supposed to do with an island?
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48You think Slytherin's bad?
39:50The Sorting Hat put Hermione in reform.
39:53LAUGHTER
39:56OK, the next topic is...
39:59..chatterblinds that won't work.
40:02Hey, girl, are you the film The Notebook?
40:03Because it seems everyone's touched by you, except for me.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:11No, don't be put off.
40:12I don't normally walk like this.
40:14The last guy I slept with was a ski jumper.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:22Can you iron?
40:24LAUGHTER
40:30Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
40:32I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
40:34LAUGHTER
40:38If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I,
40:42and then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
40:47LAUGHTER
40:50The room just lit up when you walked in.
40:53I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
40:56LAUGHTER
40:57LAUGHTER
41:02Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:05Because I want to take you back to my place
41:06and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:15My ex-girlfriend used to call me The Horse
41:18on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:23I would take the stars from the skies
41:26and put them in your eyes.
41:28That noise, that's Dara Breen crying
41:30because the stars are in the wrong place.
41:32LAUGHTER
41:37Wow.
41:38God must have taken the day off after making you,
41:40because you seem like a lot of work.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:49Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
41:51Because you're the only 10 I see.
41:53No?
41:54Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
41:55Because you've made my Pennsylvania on social media.
41:59LAUGHTER
42:04Forgive me, forgive me.
42:06Theresa has actually tried that one on me.
42:09LAUGHTER
42:10Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:13I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:15What do you think of Just Andrew?
42:18LAUGHTER
42:18LAUGHTER
42:21I say most men can't even find it, but I can.
42:24The lost kingdom of Shambhala.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
42:31I come with a little toy.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:38Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:40I...
42:41Yeah, I know Rhys.
42:43LAUGHTER
42:46APPLAUSE
42:49I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
42:53I only escaped this morning.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:01You might be eligible for compensation.
43:06I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:12Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?
43:19Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:20Because you're the only ten I see.
43:22No?
43:23Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:24Because you should have this Virginia.
43:27LAUGHTER
43:29APPLAUSE
43:31Come on, don't be silly.
43:33You pay.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:37If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:40Chi-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:48Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
43:55All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
43:57cos it gets to touch your...
43:58Ah, she's gone.
43:59She's gone.
44:02You know, they call me the stallion.
44:04At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:06while Claire Balding commentates.
44:09At the end of that round,
44:11the portrait of Sarah, Rhys and Catherine!
44:15And at the end of the show,
44:17this week's winners are...
44:19Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:23Commiserations to Catherine Lyon, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth.
44:28Thanks for watching.
44:29I'm Jared Breen.
44:30Goodnight.
44:34I'll read about the things that happened
44:37around the world of hope.
44:39I'm gonna believe that everything you see I want.
44:45Read all about it.
44:48Read all about it.
44:51This of the world.
44:52This of the world.
44:54This of the world.
44:56the things that you've worked on
44:56But someone would say that she won't be
44:56That's not me.
44:56However...
44:56Allot of the world below the world at the beginning of
44:57What might I am evidence of?
Comments