- 8 hours ago
8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 03: Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Miles Jupp, Róisín and Chiara
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you were all...
03:02Oh, if you were all out for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jugg.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jugg.
03:35Uh, gosh, well, I like to get up early,
03:37be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick, um,
03:41roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then...
03:45Then it's breakfast,
03:46where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Then it's eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:54Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers.
03:59Uh, veg shop.
04:00Um, come home,
04:01quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's...
04:11LAUGHTER
04:11Wow.
04:12That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:45It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13what it's...
05:14how quickly the gap eradicates
05:16between the thought and the speech.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:24Judy, you...
05:25do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people...
05:33Like, when people go,
05:34oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what?
05:35Because I've got a fupa
05:36and I haven't seen my family for years.
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:41They only say it to big girls.
05:43What did you call it?
05:44A fupa.
05:45A fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career
05:56as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you...
06:09Have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at
06:14and, er...
06:15Not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:17For the author,
06:17it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called
06:21Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26You must know, your agent sent it to me very kindly
06:29and, really, just about another set of eyes
06:31to give a bit of feedback.
06:33Erm...
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but a few thoughts, er, did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Er, chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46But it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet.
06:51Erm...
06:52Er...
06:52I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands
06:55of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er...
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er, some animals that you may be surprised to hear
07:10actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:14Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Erm...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er, you've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says,
07:35the rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:39That's 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:42But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48APPLAUSE
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51Er, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:53I don't mind the jokes about me being little
07:56and having a small penis and going bald.
07:59All that stuff.
07:59Did anyone...
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:05I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight
08:09so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:14What was that?
08:15Erm...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21I start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24Because that's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Ooh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of pick on me.
09:01We're working out, get these guns pumped.
09:04You know what?
09:05Oh, God!
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:12Oh, wow.
09:14You...
09:14Wow.
09:15You see?
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...?
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:30LAUGHTER
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated, really.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42WHOOSH
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on the top, yeah.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50Safety first, John.
09:52APPLAUSE
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
09:57LAUGHTER
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13LAUGHTER
10:13And he's over.
10:14Oh, wow.
10:17APPLAUSE
10:22What I...
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:37Whatever.
10:39Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, someone I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, cos I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you could actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here, so I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:19So, what do you think, Miles?
11:21I think very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on, which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:45Yeah, this would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:48I think.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or, it...
11:50Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53What a nice.
11:58Well, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:03APPLAUSE
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:08Oh.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more,
12:23sort of...
12:36Ha!
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16cos Wang Ka is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:19LAUGHTER
13:24APPLAUSE
13:25But Miles has been on it. He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34Um, it's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on...
13:37Giles...
13:37Giles?
13:38Giles?
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup!
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48He very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:58APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing.
14:03The search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, roll back it.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:45OK, everyone, that's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57M.
14:58Could that also be a G?
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:08APPLAUSE
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Would you like three of each?
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18In front of the lead.
15:19OK.
15:20P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:22Look at that.
15:23A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that one?
15:51Fabio.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Thanks.
15:57Fucking three.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:04Are you all right?
16:05Just don't look at Caesar, you're about it.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:27Come on!
16:29APPLAUSE
16:33Why do you get so cute?
16:35Uh, Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:38Um, I've got, uh, seven.
16:41Seven.
16:42Very good.
16:43John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie?
16:45No?
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Oh, come on.
16:49Susie hasn't got it.
16:50It's not in there, is it?
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy?
16:53Five.
16:54OK, what's your five?
16:55Plate.
16:56Rob, your five?
16:57Petal.
16:59Petal?
16:59Mmm.
17:00Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06Uh, I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08Uh, they are, uh, climate and polemic.
17:12Wow.
17:12Very good.
17:13Lovely.
17:14Private and polemic.
17:15So, what's this nine?
17:16Yeah.
17:18That was, uh, that was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of Miles.
17:22Well, maybe, maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have
17:31compilate as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame.
17:36Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on.
17:54I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Um...
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh.
18:02Let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:21Um...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right.
18:24OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big ones.
18:2675, 50, and 100.
18:29And the target, 359.
18:32There it is.
18:32OK.
18:32And your time starts now.
18:34No.
18:35No.
18:48No.
19:03No.
19:05So the target was 359 Judy love did you get it I got 342 why is worth no points
19:14Give me some credit for hat sorry to speak. I know but I can't expect you to not eat while
19:19we record it
19:23Three four two miles did you get it? I've got three five seven. Okay, Rob I did what I think
19:30I did okay
19:31I don't want to get it. I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times seventy
19:37five
19:38450 minus 100 350 plus the nine ten points
19:48Can we just say I've got 342 can we talk about that we've done that we talked about that
19:55We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:59So Rob and miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:05Time now to go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara. What have you got for us? Well got a
20:10pretty good vibe
20:11Yeah, you're right care. Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit of subdued or no, I'm fine. I'm fine
20:17All right. Is it Jimmy? I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:21Yeah, maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind. Yeah, I know he didn't
20:26like that
20:26I think that's on Jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a vero son italiana
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality infatti son una donna molto sensual
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity people money cabellucci
20:48Yeah, actually she is incredibly repressed. That's right. It's because I'm also half English so that explains that and Roisin
20:56Roisin on the other hand is is Irish. Yeah, Catholic
21:00And I'm an hour August and Vic August and spirit knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10Loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12Just a tiny bit slutty
21:13What? Sorry, that is absolute like slander. Not at all. I'm not like that. That makes total sense because she's
21:18just trying to connect right because because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:23And we die alone and that's okay. Well, there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh-oh
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34Okay, don't pull him a boot because he's a very, like, very well-known comedy demon. Uh-oh
21:38Oh, here we go.
21:40John. She's got a thing for people in positions of power. Clearly, you're right in the middle. Uh-oh, here
21:45we go. Here we go. Here we go.
21:50Jess, move your pups. Move, move, move.
21:54Guys, don't look. Don't watch.
21:56Just see.
21:58Oh, please.
22:00Oh, oh, thank you.
22:02Okay, all right. Um, oh!
22:03Oh, okay. Roshi, Roshi, Roshi, Rex, Roshi!
22:06Roshi, Roshi, Rex, Roshi!
22:10What are you doing, sorry?
22:11Come over here, what are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me.
22:16All night.
22:17But we're here. We're part of the show. He can't.
22:19Okay, all right. Regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you, Johnny.
22:22Might do this all the time. Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26It's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny? As much as John started to look very awkward, you moved that cup so fucking
22:50fast.
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
23:04You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry, she'll look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:28Enough with the sexy talk.
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last clue.
23:45And here is your teaser. The words are meat bell, the clue is nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:50That's meat bell, nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:52See you after the break.
24:09Welcome back. The answer to the teaser. The words were meat bell, the clue was nom-nom-nom-nom-nom
24:14-nom.
24:14It was of course meltable. Okay, so Rob and Miles are in the lead.
24:18They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please. Great start.
24:27E.
24:27Consonant.
24:28G.
24:30A consonant.
24:31M.
24:33Consonant.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:37Smeg.
24:38I.
24:38A vowel.
24:42Smeggy.
24:43E.
24:44Consonant.
24:46T.
24:47A.
24:47Oh, go on, let's have Smeggy-est.
24:51Intinent.
24:53Oh.
24:53Y.
24:55Continent.
24:56Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station, so your time starts now.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up at the station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29It's my turn to drive.
25:30Ha!
25:31Ha!
25:32Ha!
25:33Ha!
25:44Ha!
25:46Ha!
25:48Ha!
25:49Ha ha ha...
25:50Ha!
25:54What's he come as?
25:56Ha!
25:57Ha.
25:57Don't talk by.
26:12Oh, my God.
26:16Oh, my God.
26:20Oh.
26:23He should be in your dressing room, didn't he?
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
26:29Hi, Pasha.
26:30Welcome to see you. Hello.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half, and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:48John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:58One of the fucking chances.
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:04Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no.
27:06With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:12It's like a date of the undateables.
27:14It is.
27:16A round of applause for Pasha and my friends from The Volume Club.
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds.
27:29Fair enough.
27:37Six.
27:38Six.
27:38Wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41What was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty or timer?
27:45We'll go misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:48Yeah, timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55You said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but it's actually missing.
28:00You said misery or misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:06It's just...
28:06It's just misery.
28:08He's starting to run.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:18Roshi and Kiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:20Interestingly, John and Kiara both had misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about today.
28:25Actually, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:28Why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, okay?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done?
28:47You're telling me that?
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest?
28:56Germiest.
28:56Yeah, you never messaged them.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01So, got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile, though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers, then?
29:14I am not looking at you, Jane and Jo 115.
29:19So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23, John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:30OK, right, now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total? Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Six, yes. Yes, so three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:43I can count, I just can't...
29:45The angle of matter...
29:48Although... There's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51Yeah, zero, you've already... Yes, you've already got it.
29:55Three big numbers and three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones, 75, 25 and 50.
30:08And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:42So the target was 192.
30:44Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know.
30:46Why do you look so pleased with yourself?
30:49OK, John, did you get it?
30:50One, nine, three.
30:52Mm.
30:52Mm.
30:53Mm.
30:5375 plus 25.
30:56100.
30:57Plus two times 50.
30:59Plus two times 50.
31:02200.
31:02Minus seven.
31:03Yeah.
31:04One away.
31:04That's what I got.
31:05Judy, no-one believes you.
31:06Listen, I did two times 75.
31:10Keep going.
31:10And then I added 50.
31:12No.
31:1325.
31:14You added 50?
31:15I added 25 makes...
31:17175.
31:1775.
31:18And then I added...
31:20You haven't even done that.
31:22No, no, no.
31:24Then I...
31:24See the ten and the seven.
31:25I added the ten, 185.
31:27And the seven.
31:28Get out.
31:29And the seven.
31:30192.
31:31Oh!
31:33You did it!
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you.
31:42What the hell?
31:42You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45I can't win.
31:47I can't win.
31:47No, you can't.
31:48I can't.
31:48I can't win.
31:50You can't win.
31:51Seven points to John.
31:52Oh, my God.
31:57And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is, you can see the shape of it.
32:02That's oiled nut.
32:04You can see the shape of it.
32:05See you after the break.
32:28John, your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
32:32Please welcome comedian, Dane Buckley.
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
32:43Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:47And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:51I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:53I remember, yeah.
32:58No need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:04Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:07OK, that's what I would say.
33:08That's what I would say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, I wasn't out as half Indian.
33:17Like...
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know.
33:22Not now.
33:23When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean,
33:26you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:28But I learned recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Are you? Yes.
33:33Well, thanks for sharing.
33:35And I didn't realize that was a thing,
33:36but I was at the doctor's recently, and he saw me naked, bless him,
33:39and he said,
33:40Mr. Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my inner thigh.
33:46Are you any good at Countdown?
33:48I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why...
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign,
33:56don't we?
33:57Look at that.
33:58Funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:01United Colours of Benetton?
34:02Yeah.
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:14Oh, ten points. That's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down.
34:20You'll know this, Jimmy, as well.
34:22My mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not, this is how she is.
34:28Me and her won a beach in Broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:35But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out, penis hanging out,
34:40resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe.
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions. That was his guy.
34:48He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52scuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain.
34:57She said, what, love? That little thing there.
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:06She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:16Have you got a mascot? Can you bring a mascot?
35:18Oh, my God, yeah, I'm just here to have fun. Look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:23This is a jalebi, the most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's crispy, it's deep-fried, it's syrupy, and it's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week.
35:35And we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea.
35:38And she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me
35:43because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like, mm, mm, okay, not many...
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, okay?
35:48So she'd be like...
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like, mm, okay,
35:52not many girls in your future.
35:55So many boys, okay.
35:57Dancing, so gay. Oh, darling, you're dancing round the pole.
36:00And I was like, give me that, nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish.
36:05Like...
36:07And so I thought, be brave.
36:09I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
36:11I said, nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds.
36:20I said, nan, I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:23She said, rubbish, foolish, gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:32Hashtag gaylight savings.
36:36But I brought some jalebes for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it'd be nice.
36:39Ooh.
36:40Jalebes.
36:41So they are vegan, the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:48Take on a muffin.
36:49Mm, nice.
36:51Oh my God, there's nothing to matter with that.
36:53It's nice.
36:53Yeah.
36:53It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beefing.
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob.
37:03Do you want me to start an Angel Delight, Rob?
37:08It needs to be nice in a bit of rice pudding.
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
37:18Fair. Fair.
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland.
37:21So growing up, I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know, if you know any Irish, nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:31Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying, ready the war between the elves and the centaurs.
37:35But it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:40And if you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob.
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
37:47Thank you, good night.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:52APPLAUSE
37:57OK.
37:58On with the game.
37:59Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:02That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary, isn't it?
38:04Yes.
38:04It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar, there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:08A vowel.
38:10A vowel.
38:10Make my eyes hurt.
38:11O.
38:12Another vowel.
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel.
38:21A.
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a minute.
38:32He's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel, he'll start to get panicky.
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but, you know, let's not fuck about.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41OK, a consonant.
38:42There you go, that's for you.
38:43S.
38:44My fingers are too sticky to write.
38:46I, how many, how many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Erm...
38:49Four.
38:51Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:56LAUGHTER
38:56A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00Damn.
39:00And the vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your, that's your max.
39:05Right.
39:06A consonant.
39:07LAUGHTER
39:09A number?
39:10A W.
39:11OK, and your time starts now.
39:13Great.
39:18We're a tick, mate.
39:20Oh.
39:21You pick shit letters and we all suck.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:33It doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:44Four.
39:45Uh, Judy?
39:47Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53LAUGHTER
39:53I think, John, you're on your own.
39:54How'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:56Six.
39:56OK.
39:56Miles?
39:58Still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:01I've got extra.
40:02There it goes.
40:04You do like it.
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:06It'll be...
40:07LAUGHTER
40:09Uh, five.
40:10It was, uh, sinew was my...
40:12Oh, wow.
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away, it didn't matter.
40:15All right, uh, Rob, how many?
40:17Five.
40:17Swine!
40:19I'm hyper.
40:21We're all hyper.
40:22We're on a sugar rush.
40:24Deal with it, Dad.
40:26Uh, Dane, you're four.
40:27What was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:30Well done.
40:32Definitely...
40:34Definitely worth turning up for.
40:37Judy?
40:38What was your four?
40:40I don't know.
40:41Five.
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise.
40:43Noise.
40:44Uh, John?
40:44Uh, insane in the membrane.
40:48Insane in the brain!
40:51Very sugary.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:54Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:59He's going crazy.
41:01OK, uh...
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08What?
41:08Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:13Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan.
41:15Or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded, waterproof, um, jacket.
41:18With a hood.
41:19OK, so...
41:20The scores at the moment, uh, Rob and Miles have 23.
41:23Uh, John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Ooh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:28The words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is, anything for a good time.
41:33That's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time.
41:35See you after the break.
41:40APPLAUSE
41:52Welcome back.
41:53The answer to the teaser.
41:54The words were, I'd nosh me, the clue was, anything for a good time.
41:57It was, of course, hedonism.
41:58OK, time for our final letters game.
42:00John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:06I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:09These two are getting on really well.
42:13Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:17T.
42:17Vowel.
42:19A.
42:20Consonant, please.
42:22F.
42:23Consonant, please.
42:24S.
42:25Vowel, please.
42:27E.
42:28Consonant, please.
42:29L.
42:30Vowel, please.
42:32A.
42:33Consonant, please.
42:35D.
42:35And another vowel, please.
42:38And the last one, I'd.
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music.
42:43I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:45OK, and your time starts now.
42:47B.
42:48The End.
42:57B.
42:58B.
42:59B.
42:59B.
43:00B.
43:00B.
43:01B.
43:02Where are you?
43:04D.
43:06B.
43:07B.
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis. Gracias.
43:28Sorry?
43:30Tengo un seis, Jimmy.
43:31What's happened to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl.
43:35Muchos talentos secretos.
43:36I have no idea what you're saying.
43:38La gente solo piensa,
43:40no, Mr. Little John Richardson.
43:42Mírenlo con su little cardigan
43:43y su estúpida big boys talking.
43:46Hay mucho más de lo que parece.
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50diciendo que soy una especie
43:51de virgin rat boy.
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría pedir
43:55es que realmente me gustan
43:57los chocolate hobnobs. Gracias.
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties.
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice.
44:05I think that's it. Try that.
44:07Hello.
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six.
44:13Dane, how many? Five.
44:15Judy, how many? Six.
44:16Miles, how many? Seven, I think.
44:19Oh, damn. Rob?
44:21Five. Fine, what's your five?
44:23Fades. Fades, OK.
44:25Dane, your five? False.
44:27False, OK. Judy? Ladies.
44:30John, your six?
44:32Fasted. Miles?
44:33For the points, your seven.
44:35Uh, dilates?
44:37Yeah. Ooh!
44:39My man!
44:42Yeah.
44:45Seven points to Miles.
44:47Wow.
44:49Strong. Could they have done any better?
44:51No. Nope. Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it.
44:53It was fantastic.
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham.
44:59OK, so Rob and Miles have 30.
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20.
45:04APPLAUSE
45:06OK, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today.
45:09You ready for this?
45:10Yeah. Today's crucial countdown conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:27Pickiness.
45:28Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it.
45:37That's it.
45:38Daddy cool got it, I guess.
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30.
45:42It's a draw.
45:42Everyone's a winner.
45:44APPLAUSE
45:46Congratulations.
45:46You are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed.
45:51APPLAUSE
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:56and to all of you for watching at home.
45:58That's it from us. Good night.
45:59They're all the fans.
46:04They're all the fans.
46:06They're all the fans.
46:17They're all the fans.
46:19They're all the fans.
46:20They're all the fans.
46:22They're all the fans.
46:25They're all the fans.
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