- 3 hours ago
a brutal, annual cross-country race in the year 2000, where drivers score points by running over pedestrians
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:03The End
00:01:00Oh, great American multitude and sports fans everywhere. Today we inaugurate the 20th annual transcontinental road race. Today, the five
00:01:14bravest young men and women in this bravest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since
00:01:24the days of Spartacus.
00:01:25Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold in awe, in respect,
00:01:36in fear.
00:01:38All right, all right. This is Junior Bruce, your buddy, buddy, and mine. And I'll be giving you the blow
00:01:45-by-blow, play-by-play when the kings and queens of the open road roar onto the track.
00:01:51Do I hear the sound of engines? It's calamity Jane Kelly, queen of the road, at the wheel of that
00:01:59mean, old, ornery stud board.
00:02:29welcome.
00:02:29At the start of the race, only a heartthrob away. This is Grace Pander on the spot, as usual, to
00:02:36welcome the greatest racer of all time and a very dear friend of mine. Yes, in just a moment he
00:02:44will be coming through the doors.
00:02:54there is no cause for alarm the patient has been flown in from abroad in a state of suspended
00:02:59animation in order to facilitate the healing of his recent limb transplants he should be coming
00:03:05around any moment now Frankenstein can you give me an exclusive how are things abroad how is mr.
00:03:25president is he still in Moscow mr. president is in his summer palace in Peking he loves everybody
00:03:34and everybody loves him here she is that adorable swastika sweetheart Matilda the hun from Milwaukee
00:03:47and her lovable Nazi navigator Herman the German Fox
00:04:02Matilda Herman do you think this is your turn to be first and foremost in sunny California today
00:04:09California tomorrow in the world hi Herman I hope your buzz bomb has a little more juice in its warhead
00:04:22this year whoever named your car the bull was only half right Frankenstein will mr. president fly in
00:04:30to crown the winner of the race yes is it true that with your new mechanical arm you can shift
00:04:36gears in
00:04:36less than a 20th of a second would you care to comment on that no how do you feel about
00:04:42going into the
00:04:43race with a navigator you've never met you'll love Annie she's a red-hot sexpot she'd better be a red
00:04:49-hot
00:04:49navigator no more questions it's the lion and at the wheel Ray Nero the hero Lodigan never is
00:05:02finished the transcontinental but three big wins in the provinces this season plus a brand new beast
00:05:08means Nero's not fiddling around sit still Cleopatra and stop blocking me my fans want to see me
00:05:17they've never seen a has-been before
00:05:26Annie Smith Mr. Frankenstein I've checked out the car and everything seems perfect
00:05:33I have the route maps right here I will check them in a minute we will roll and everything seems
00:05:43perfect to me I've uh packed some high protein capsules and as many adrenaline tablets as I could
00:05:50find and I've also assembled a medical kit just in case I'm trained as a nurse I don't need a
00:05:56nurse
00:05:57I need a navigator Mr. Frankenstein you're very good at what you do and I'm very good at what I
00:06:05do
00:06:05we'll see
00:06:09and you know there's only one person who guns an engine like that it's gotta be the roughest tough guy
00:06:23here he comes machine gun Joe loved by thousands hated by millions only living previous winner except
00:06:33for Frankenstein highest lifetime score after Frankenstein and he's certainly getting the
00:06:39the welcome he deserves Joe doesn't look too happy but you just can't keep those Frankenstein fans down
00:06:50lousy sons of bitches Frankenstein the legend Frankenstein the indestructible
00:07:13sole survivor of the titanic pileup of 95 only two-time winner of the transcontinental road race
00:07:21Frankenstein ripped up wiped out battered shattered creamed and reamed a dancer on the brink of death
00:07:29Frankenstein who lost a leg in 98 an arm in 99 with half a face and half a chest and
00:07:37all the guts in the
00:07:38world he's back god only knows what he looks like under that mask but he is back in the name
00:07:46of mr.
00:07:46president america loves you Frankenstein
00:08:01you will regret that Joe
00:08:09you will regret that Joe
00:08:10stay tuned racing fans T video satellite will bring every mile of drills and spills into your living room
00:08:16all five cars are in starting position here at New York Memorial Raceway ready to roll
00:08:22now we take you to the summer palace and mr. president
00:08:42my children whom I love so dearly it has been my duty in the long and difficult years since the
00:08:54world crash of 79 to serve you
00:09:04and seek the golden key to a new time of plenty in the fertile field of minority privilege and now
00:09:17my children the drivers are ready the world is waiting once more I give you what you want
00:09:37good morning Americans once again the race is underway with 12 hour pit stop scheduled at St. Louis and Albuquerque
00:09:46home of the American Indian Museum at this very moment the cars are howling through the streets of Manhattan but
00:09:54no points have been
00:09:55been scored as yet take it away junior bruce they're coming out of the lincoln tunnel now
00:10:01with frankenstein and joe running neck and neck then it's the lion driven by
00:10:06pass by calamity jane in the ball moving into third place
00:10:29so
00:11:15All right, and hey, hey, hey, the cars have split up.
00:11:19The driver's taking off on their favorite routes.
00:11:23Frankenstein still out in front, headed due west with Nero the hero on his tail, hoping
00:11:28to pick up his leftovers, Calamity James on a northwest hack, Matilda's buzz bomb is trying
00:11:33to catch up with Machine Gun Joe, now streaking southwest.
00:11:37Once again, Mr. President.
00:11:40I have made the United Provinces of America the greatest power in the known universe.
00:11:45I have also given you the most popular sporting event in the history of mankind, the transcontinental
00:11:54road race, which upholds the American tradition of no-holds-barred.
00:12:00No-holds-barred.
00:12:04That's how he got to be president.
00:12:06Hypocrite pig.
00:12:07What about our ultimatum?
00:12:08He's been laughing us off for 15 years.
00:12:11Passive resistance means nothing to him.
00:12:14Pick up that flag, young man.
00:12:15It's time for action.
00:12:17It is not a time for violence.
00:12:19Mrs. Payne, I love Annie as much as you do.
00:12:22But she's no match for Frankenstein.
00:12:24And we can't risk letting him get away.
00:12:27Frankenstein is the biggest target in the world and a personal friend of Mr. President's.
00:12:31That Lieutenant Fury is exactly why they'll call off the race.
00:12:35To save his life.
00:12:36My granddaughter will succeed.
00:12:38Don't you ever take off that mask?
00:12:40No.
00:12:41Don't you know about my face?
00:12:44I've heard stories.
00:12:47Nobody's ever seen it, have they?
00:12:49Except my other navigators.
00:12:52And they're all dead.
00:12:55So they are.
00:12:59They say you lost most of your jaw in the crack of 92.
00:13:04And my right eye in 95.
00:13:07And my nose and my left eye in 97.
00:13:10And most of my cranium in 98.
00:13:13I'm held together with patches of plastic.
00:13:15That's a steel place.
00:13:17It's not a pretty sight.
00:13:20You want to see?
00:13:23Why not?
00:13:24I've seen everything else.
00:13:25Remember, you're doing this on your own.
00:13:28I take no responsibility.
00:13:43What'd you expect?
00:13:44Another pretty face?
00:13:51They really love you, Joe.
00:13:53Yeah?
00:13:54Now, how come they ain't done on the road proving it?
00:13:58Hey, you better make this left turn.
00:14:00You'll shave off about two miles that way.
00:14:03Yeah, all right.
00:14:24All right, all right, and yes-siree.
00:14:27A clean hit.
00:14:29A perfect hit.
00:14:30And no pain for the target.
00:14:33Too bad the guy was only 38.
00:14:35Just two years older, he'd have been worth three times the points.
00:14:39But for the second year in a row, Machine Gun Joe has splattered the scoreboard first.
00:14:45How'd you like that, huh?
00:14:47Get off of that one, Myra, baby!
00:14:52What's the matter with this engine?
00:14:53I don't know.
00:14:54Sounds fine to me.
00:14:56Amateurs.
00:14:59Get back there and retard the spark for, uh, three degrees.
00:15:02All right, please.
00:15:46I'm glad to see you were able to find your way back.
00:15:53As the cars roar into Pennsylvania, the cradle of liberty,
00:15:58it seems apparent that our citizens are staying off the streets.
00:16:02Which may make scoring particularly difficult, even with this year's rule changes.
00:16:08To recap those revisions, women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets.
00:16:17But teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points.
00:16:26The big score, anyone, any sex.
00:16:29Over 75 years old, has been upped to 100 points.
00:16:36As always, how fast you move determines how long you live.
00:16:42Tell me.
00:16:50Toro.
00:16:54Toro.
00:16:56Toro.
00:16:59Oh, my God.
00:17:28A beautiful kill, a neat kill.
00:17:31No calamities for Jane today, no, sir.
00:17:34And you can bet she'll be getting both ears for that one.
00:17:51What is that?
00:17:53Euthanasia day at the geriatrics hospital.
00:17:55We do it every year.
00:17:56Here he comes!
00:17:58He's coming!
00:18:21Frankenstein scores!
00:18:23Frankenstein scores at last!
00:18:26But what kind of a score, boys and girls?
00:18:28Just 110 points out of a possible big 700!
00:18:33What do you think about that, Gracie?
00:18:34Well, those doctors, dear friends of mine, have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks.
00:18:43Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn.
00:18:46Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a 100% red-blooded American sense of humor.
00:18:55Annie saved those old people, and she'll deliver Frankenstein.
00:19:00Meanwhile, innocent people are being slaughtered on our highways.
00:19:04Oh, they're like Christians being thrown to the gladiators.
00:19:09But just remember, the Christians won.
00:19:12Did they, Mrs. Payne?
00:19:13I take it from your attire that your sabotage operations are being carried out, despite my wishes?
00:19:21Mrs. Payne?
00:19:25We're set to hit them with everything we've got.
00:19:27Then, in the name of humanity, let Operation Anti-Race begin!
00:19:41How in the hell are we supposed to score in this graveyard?
00:19:44You're the navigator.
00:19:45That's your problem.
00:19:47You better think of something pretty soon, or else you're going to be out in your ass.
00:19:50It isn't my fault everyone scored before us.
00:19:53You should have gone after that Boy Scout camp like I told you.
00:19:56I tried a goddamn Boy Scout camp.
00:19:59You're not fast, those Boy Scouts move.
00:20:03Now, here's something more you're seeing.
00:20:06It's going to be at least 200 points.
00:20:08If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother.
00:20:16Go for the baby! The baby!
00:20:19That's it. Come get baby.
00:20:22Bye-bye, baby.
00:20:24Hello, 70 points.
00:20:30Hey, I'm off the air!
00:20:32I'm off the air!
00:20:33Would you please take your places?
00:20:34Don't care!
00:20:35Take your places.
00:20:36You're missing.
00:20:36What happened?
00:20:36Grace on with an interview right now.
00:20:38Hello, ladies.
00:20:40Isn't this just the most exciting race in years?
00:20:43I certainly think so.
00:20:45And guess what?
00:20:46I have a surprise for you.
00:20:48Mrs. Rhonda Bainbridge in person on my show.
00:20:54The widow of Edward Bainbridge, whom, as we all know, was machine gun Joe Viterbo's first score.
00:21:04Welcome to my home.
00:21:06And may I call you Rhonda.
00:21:09Oh, please do, Mrs. Pander.
00:21:11Are we about ready here?
00:21:12Yeah, just about.
00:21:14So we have to go right away.
00:21:19As the widow of the race's first score, you have won a high-style two-room apartment in Acapulco.
00:21:29Start the gym!
00:21:44And next year, you will be watching the race on a 50-inch, three-dimensional, octophonic T-video set.
00:21:53Fellow oppressed Americans, the execution of the barbarian killer Nero the Hero is the people's first stroke against the evil
00:22:04and corrupt regime of Mr. President.
00:22:08I am Tomasina Paine, founder and commander of the Army of the Resistance.
00:22:14For 20 years, Americans have been told when to eat and when to sleep, when to love and when to
00:22:24hate.
00:22:24The age of obedience is over.
00:22:29In the names of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Harry Truman, I call upon you to stand up for your
00:22:39inalienable rights.
00:22:40We declare war upon the bipartisan party, on Mr. President.
00:22:46And on that most inhuman desecration of life and liberty, the transcontinental road rape.
00:22:55I thank you.
00:22:58What the hell was that?
00:23:00I have no information.
00:23:02Is this race still on?
00:23:03I have no information.
00:23:05Well, what do you think?
00:23:06About what?
00:23:07About that speech.
00:23:09That's spice to the race.
00:23:12Spice?
00:23:12They've killed Nero.
00:23:14Yeah, they would have got more points for me.
00:23:16Don't you understand?
00:23:18They've declared war on the race and on you.
00:23:21Aren't you worried?
00:23:22The only thing that worries me is machine gun Joe Viterbo.
00:23:25Is winning all you care about?
00:23:28Yes.
00:23:28It's the only standard of excellence left.
00:23:35Come on.
00:23:36Here they come.
00:23:37About finished.
00:23:38Come on.
00:23:43Look at that stupid hole right in the middle.
00:23:46They won't get through there.
00:23:53The first pit stop in St. Louis.
00:23:58Machine gun Joe is still leading the field with Frankenstein second, Calamity Jane third.
00:24:05Leaving Matilda the Hunt in fourth position and Calamity Jane facing another Calamity.
00:24:10Right now, Frankenstein's score points put him just ahead of Joe.
00:24:14Hey!
00:24:15Get off the rope!
00:24:39I need every point you can get.
00:24:45I only mashed him slightly.
00:24:48Put him out of his misery, Joe.
00:24:50Hey, is that fair?
00:24:51What?
00:24:51Hey!
00:24:52Should I let him go?
00:24:55Fair's always right.
00:24:58Hey!
00:25:04What?
00:25:08What?
00:25:08¿Qué tutaj?
00:25:13Why?
00:25:16Why?
00:25:21What?
00:25:24All right?
00:25:25See you.
00:25:25See you today.
00:25:26Let's go!
00:25:45One thing before we begin.
00:25:47The government would like it if nobody said anything about Nero.
00:25:50Understand?
00:25:51He hit a tree and that's it.
00:25:53Got it?
00:25:54We don't want to depress anybody, but...
00:25:56Hey, hey.
00:25:57Everybody knows he was blown up by the resistance, you schmuck.
00:26:01It was on television.
00:26:02If you want to drive again next year, Mr. Viterbo, you'll keep those opinions to yourself.
00:26:07Okay, go ahead.
00:26:09This is Grace Pander from St. Louis, where Matilda, a dear friend of mine, is receiving a well-deserved rubdown.
00:26:18Tell me, Tilly darling, what can we expect from you when the cars go back on the road?
00:26:23You can expect a victory.
00:26:25By a member of the master race.
00:26:27A woman.
00:26:29Oh, Tilly darling, that certainly is showing a lot of confidence for someone who's lying fourth out of four.
00:26:35She doesn't mind as long as she's lying somewhere.
00:26:38Look, when I'm through with you, you're going to be lying estate, lady.
00:26:40Listen, miss, if anybody is going to Boothill, it's you and your biz bag.
00:26:43Buzz bomb.
00:26:44Shut up.
00:26:45Look, you just leave my navigator over.
00:26:47Girls, girls, girls, remember you're on TV land.
00:26:51Pete, how do you like being a navigator?
00:26:54Well, Junior, I'd like it more if I was in the driver's seat.
00:27:00You'll get what's coming to you on the road.
00:27:02Oh, yeah?
00:27:03Well, what's coming to me is the final solution to the cowgirl problem.
00:27:08Frankenstein, can you tell us when you're going to make your move?
00:27:10Are you going to take any off-road chances for scores?
00:27:13Or are you driving all out to be first in the new L.A.?
00:27:17It's not whether you win or lose.
00:27:18It's how you play the game.
00:27:20Frankenstein, a dear friend of mine.
00:27:22Frankenstein, tell me how it feels when at that electric instant driving at 200 miles an hour,
00:27:27life and death coexist at the moment of scoring.
00:27:31You stand in the middle of Route 66 tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock.
00:27:35And you can answer that question for yourself.
00:27:50What are you doing?
00:27:52Get away from me, Joe.
00:27:53Go nuts.
00:27:54Just tell him I was whispering sweet nothing in your ear.
00:28:04Tell us what he said to you.
00:28:06Well, Myra, what did Frankenstein have to say to you?
00:28:08He didn't say anything.
00:28:10He didn't say anything.
00:28:10What did he say?
00:28:11Nothing.
00:28:12What did he say?
00:28:13Nothing.
00:28:14Look, I'm not playing games here, Myra.
00:28:15I want to know what he said.
00:28:17He said there was nothing sweet in my ear.
00:28:21In my ear.
00:28:34What do you want?
00:28:37My name is Laurie, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:28:40I'm head of Chapter 7, St. Louis Lovers of Frankenstein.
00:28:43I was chosen from over a hundred girls.
00:28:46You offer me your body?
00:28:47Is that it?
00:28:48You want to make love to me because I drive the monster and wear this costume?
00:28:52No, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:28:54But that wouldn't be fair to your navigator.
00:28:56It's taken her years of hard work to earn that privilege.
00:29:00Besides, we understand your feelings.
00:29:03What do you know of my feelings?
00:29:07Everything.
00:29:09Like, like why you're afraid of falling in love.
00:29:13And why winning the race means everything to you.
00:29:16How do you know these things?
00:29:18From my dreams, partly.
00:29:21And from letters I get from other fans.
00:29:24Plus, the club subscribes to an astrology service.
00:29:27Well, if you're not here to offer me your body, what do you?
00:29:30I wanted to meet you, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:29:33I wanted you to know who I am.
00:29:36So it would have meaning.
00:29:38I don't understand.
00:29:41So what would have meaning?
00:29:42We love you, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:29:45I know just saying it doesn't mean much.
00:29:47Why do you love me?
00:29:49Because I kill people?
00:29:50Scoring isn't killing, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:29:52It's part of the race.
00:29:54You're a national hero.
00:29:56And we want you to know we're with you.
00:29:58A hundred percent.
00:30:01Good night, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:30:16Didn't hear you come in.
00:30:18What were you expecting, Machine Gun Joe?
00:30:21I thought I could trust you.
00:30:25You really just don't want to give me a chance, do you?
00:30:30I was trying to help you.
00:30:34I'm sorry.
00:30:36You're what?
00:30:41Sorry.
00:30:44He wanted to know our route, so I told him to go down 54 through the Cimarron Valley.
00:30:5254 is a dead end.
00:30:55It needs nowhere.
00:30:56That's right.
00:30:58And if Joe takes it, he'll suck.
00:31:02The only way Joe will take that road is if he sees us do it first.
00:31:06Or if he's ahead of us.
00:31:10Is that the arm that came off in 98?
00:31:13Mm-hmm.
00:31:15And which one of those obviously perfect legs came off in 99?
00:31:22The right.
00:31:22And the left one was just broken in six places and burned down to the bone.
00:31:28Is that right?
00:31:29Mm-hmm.
00:31:31It's a miracle you can still walk.
00:31:36Do you like to dance?
00:31:37Do you like to dance?
00:31:50Do you like to dance?
00:31:54No, no.
00:31:54No, no.
00:31:54It's a miracle you can still walk.
00:31:54No, absolutely.
00:31:55I do.
00:31:55Do you like to dance?
00:31:55No.
00:32:01No, no, no.
00:32:03I do.
00:32:03Do you like to dance?
00:32:33The Swiss mechanics did a good job on you.
00:32:37What else did they replace?
00:32:42Wait a minute, and I'll show you.
00:32:55Oh, Mr. President, bless thy children and make them strong.
00:33:00Bless thy daughters, Matilda and Jane, and thy son, Joe.
00:33:04And bless thy beloved son, the immortal Frankenstein, who has given so much pleasure to so many.
00:33:13To hell with Frankenstein. What about Joe Viterbo?
00:33:26The flag is down and they're away with machine gun Joe blasting into the lead on this second lap of
00:33:33the great transcontinental road race.
00:33:36Frankenstein is making a left turn splitting early from the pack. Look out, all you folks just south of here.
00:33:42Gee, Joe, there's nobody even close behind us.
00:33:45Shh, shh, shh.
00:33:45Where's he going? What's he doing?
00:33:48Hey, what are you doing? Where are we going?
00:33:50I dropped my glove.
00:33:52Let not the ruin of thy robes disrupt the tires of my power.
00:33:57He threw Reisler.
00:34:00Ladies and gentlemen, by a bizarre accident, Frankenstein has killed our cherished colleague, the deacon of the bipartisan party.
00:34:08I think you did that on purpose.
00:34:10You have to give the fans something to talk about.
00:34:13It's my obligation as a national hero.
00:34:17Frankenstein scores now. Does that score count, Harold?
00:34:20An interesting point, Junior, and one that may set a significant precedent.
00:34:26Can a racer score erase the bishop?
00:34:29Oh, and after all those nice things he said about him.
00:34:31It don't matter. It don't count. You can't score religious personalities.
00:34:36The word, deacon, has been handed down to us from the ancient, the, uh, Frankenstein score has been approved for
00:34:4550 points.
00:34:46The confirmation has just been handed to me.
00:34:49Why, you know what that means, Junior?
00:34:52That means that the race officials from coast to coast will be falling like flies.
00:34:57Frankenstein scores. I hate him. I hate him.
00:35:01He's salivating.
00:35:39He's salivating.
00:35:41Ah!
00:35:46Oh! Why did she do that?
00:35:50To show me she loves me.
00:35:55Let's go down there!
00:35:58Here they come, let's get set.
00:36:13Chicken gang.
00:36:15Chicken in a basket.
00:36:18Chicken in a casket.
00:36:28Oh, shit!
00:36:39Yes, sir!
00:36:41Hey, hey, who got the last lap there, huh?
00:36:51The turn-off is coming up.
00:36:53Shall I take it?
00:36:54Who gives a goddamn shit?
00:36:56Should I?
00:36:57She says I shouldn't, so I should, right?
00:36:59Or should I?
00:36:59I don't know.
00:37:00Now what?
00:37:00Well, I don't think you should.
00:37:02I think it's definitely a trick.
00:37:03I'll do it.
00:37:04I won't do it.
00:37:05I'd be a schmuck to do it.
00:37:09I did it!
00:37:10I'm no schmuck!
00:37:12That's your story!
00:37:14That's right!
00:37:15That's right!
00:37:15If I see you mess with Frankenstein again,
00:37:17I'm really gonna bust your eyes!
00:37:19What do you mean, really?
00:37:30I'll have an almost unlimited score possibility,
00:37:33but it's pretty far down the road.
00:37:36District Penitence Compound.
00:37:38All those old congressmen chained up,
00:37:41it'll be like sitting ducks.
00:37:43Yeah, and all I gotta do is drive through a cyclone fence.
00:37:45Uh-oh.
00:37:46Look, the farther west we go,
00:37:49the fewer targets there'll be.
00:37:50Hey, come on.
00:37:52Joe's already on his way to a dead end,
00:37:54and the other two...
00:37:58Okay.
00:38:02Take the next ride.
00:38:05Now, as soon as the car gets within range,
00:38:08I shall give the signal.
00:38:09We'll have just under a minute
00:38:11after they reach the turn-off.
00:38:13Uh-huh.
00:38:13Lieutenant Fury figures...
00:38:14Lieutenant Fury has nothing whatever to do with this.
00:38:18I want none of his surprises here.
00:38:21I could stand for a surprise,
00:38:22like if Frankenstein didn't show up.
00:38:24Don't worry.
00:38:25He'll show.
00:38:30What's our estimated time of arrival in Albuquerque?
00:38:33Well, I'm not sure.
00:38:34I mean, this detour's gonna make a difference.
00:38:37Haven't you calculated our time of arrival?
00:38:38Well, of course I did,
00:38:40but I couldn't take into consideration then.
00:38:41Take what into consideration?
00:38:44Frankenstein, stop the car!
00:38:45Hold on.
00:38:50What the hell?
00:38:51Keep going!
00:38:52Don't stop now.
00:38:53What are you doing?
00:38:54What are they doing?
00:38:59Sorry, brother.
00:39:12If that's the best ambush the resistance can come up with,
00:39:15we've got nothing to worry about.
00:39:16I guess not.
00:39:18One thing I can't figure out
00:39:19is why would they bother to dress that guy up
00:39:21to look like me?
00:39:23Maybe he was a fan.
00:39:28Who built this stick in the road?
00:39:30If I ever get my hands on him,
00:39:32I'll rip his heart out!
00:39:34I've made it!
00:39:35I'm sick of this race and I'm sick of you!
00:39:43I guess it must have been Joe
00:39:44that set us up for that ambush, don't you think?
00:39:47We got in touch with those guys somehow
00:39:48and told them where we were going.
00:39:50I guess it might have been.
00:39:52But then how the hell did Joe know
00:39:53we were gonna take a detour?
00:39:56Maybe it was those guys on the pit crew in St. Louis.
00:39:59You took your book out of the car
00:40:00while you were getting massaged?
00:40:02I didn't leave my book in the car.
00:40:05You didn't, huh?
00:40:06No.
00:40:08Well, then I guess it couldn't have been then.
00:40:11Who do you think it was?
00:40:12I have no idea.
00:40:14Why do you care, as long as they didn't get you?
00:40:16Us.
00:40:17They didn't get us.
00:40:19We're a team, remember?
00:40:31Come on over to my side.
00:40:33You're gonna drive for a while.
00:40:35Why?
00:40:36I'm not trained as a driver.
00:40:38Never mind why.
00:40:39Just do as I tell you.
00:40:50Counting on you to make a nice big score for us.
00:40:53Sure.
00:40:56Is there something special in mind?
00:40:58Something will turn up.
00:41:01I'm sure that it will.
00:41:17Jesus H. Christ!
00:41:19I'll kill that rat!
00:41:20What did I do?
00:41:22Check your face!
00:41:24Hey, Cornball,
00:41:26what's the fastest way through here?
00:41:27Well, um...
00:41:28Actually, the only way we do it
00:41:30is we get a bulldozer
00:41:31and we trim this edge down here
00:41:33and we drive through, but...
00:41:34No, no.
00:41:34What's the fastest way
00:41:35between here and Albuquerque?
00:41:36You gotta go back
00:41:37to the main highway, really.
00:41:39I'll lose 45 minutes!
00:41:40I've seen you before.
00:41:41I'm one of your greatest fans.
00:41:43You know that?
00:41:44I follow all of the races.
00:41:46I got pictures of you
00:41:47all over the outhouse.
00:41:48I named my favorite dog
00:41:50after you, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:41:51I did.
00:41:52Lousy, stinking dirt bar.
00:41:54You got two seconds to live!
00:42:36Come on, Pete, honey.
00:42:37You gonna take all day with that?
00:42:39I want to get on the road
00:42:40and make a few more scores.
00:42:41My bloodlust is fading.
00:42:43I'm almost finished, Calamity, sweetheart.
00:42:45We'll be back on the road
00:42:46in no time.
00:42:47Then we'll cream
00:42:48that Nazi's ass for her.
00:42:49What'd you say?
00:42:51It's big!
00:42:53Ha-ha!
00:42:54You lovely dick!
00:42:55I'll kill you for that!
00:42:57Nobody scores my navigator
00:42:59and gets away with it.
00:43:18Uh-oh.
00:43:19Here she comes.
00:43:20And boy, is she pissed.
00:43:22Well, what does she expect?
00:43:24You leave your navigator
00:43:25lying around?
00:43:26Naturally, somebody's
00:43:27gonna run over them.
00:44:10She's gaining on us, Mama,
00:44:12and she's got murder on her mind.
00:44:13��AL, my tickling,
00:44:16my little fellow
00:44:17fuzzbao!
00:44:19Ha-ha!
00:44:24Ha-ha!
00:44:27Ha-ha!
00:44:29plansy-
00:44:31Ha-ha!
00:44:33Ha-ha!
00:44:34Ha-ha!
00:44:36Ha-ha!
00:44:36I don't know!
00:44:39I don't know!
00:44:41Ha-ha!
00:44:43Ha-ha!
00:44:46That's good.
00:44:47All three, one, two, three.
00:44:51Good.
00:44:52Easy.
00:44:53Steady she goes.
00:45:07Here they come!
00:45:13A teacher! I really needed that right now!
00:45:45Holy shit!
00:45:48A special bulletin.
00:45:49There's been an accident.
00:45:50An explosion.
00:45:52It looks like Matilda has been blown totally...
00:46:00Correction!
00:46:01Matilda has made an impressive score!
00:46:04Stand by!
00:46:09Don't you want to take over now?
00:46:11I'm afraid of making us lose an awful lot of time.
00:46:14You're doing just fine.
00:46:27Looks like an easy score.
00:46:29Yeah, yeah it does.
00:46:31It's always best to start small.
00:46:42I missed it.
00:46:43Take some practice.
00:46:45Before it comes easy?
00:46:47It never comes easy.
00:46:50Keep your eyes on the road.
00:46:54How far is it to the penitent's compound?
00:46:58Oh, maybe 20 miles.
00:47:03Stop the car.
00:47:13Get out.
00:47:15Out!
00:47:23Come to the other side.
00:47:25Around the front.
00:47:40Where is the penitent's compound?
00:47:44It's in Japan.
00:47:51Get in.
00:48:02I can just put you out of this car and pick up a quick 30 points.
00:48:07Who are you? Who are you working for?
00:48:10I'm Thomasina Payne's granddaughter.
00:48:13I'm honored.
00:48:17So you were going to capture me and replace me with that goon back there.
00:48:20What? What for?
00:48:23He was going to deliver our ultimatum to Mr. President.
00:48:27Your life in exchange for the permanent abolition of the race.
00:49:01She was a great, dear friend of mine.
00:49:05And I shall remember her forever, howling down that freeway in the sky, knocking over the angels.
00:49:15The valiant Hunt's demise was, in fact, caused by enemies of the people.
00:49:21There will be a special broadcast by Mr. President at 1,900 hours.
00:49:27Stay tuned to find out how you can help Mr. President preserve our way of life.
00:49:34Clamity, turn off the television.
00:49:35Our national honor.
00:49:36Hey, you guys, you want to stop playing that song, please?
00:49:40Look, what we got here is a race, a sporting event.
00:49:43Not some kind of daredevil stunt.
00:49:44I want some kind of protection.
00:49:45You should have given us an escort right after Nero got it.
00:49:48Go on, Joe.
00:49:49It's going to be an escort, wouldn't you, baby?
00:49:50Now you want to zip your lip, Myra?
00:49:52Huh?
00:49:53Now you going to cover me or not?
00:49:55Look, Mr. Viterbo, if you're afraid to go on with the race, why don't you quit?
00:49:59You're calling me a turkey?
00:50:00If you ask me, you're all just making excuses for poor driving.
00:50:03Poor driving?
00:50:05Listen, honey, Matilda the Hun was a champion driver.
00:50:08Ain't nobody could have scored my navigator and gotten away with it.
00:50:11And he's talking about poor driving.
00:50:13I'd like to see you out there.
00:50:14Yeah.
00:50:15I've been driving for 10 years, nobody talks to me like this.
00:50:17You know, you're an instinct.
00:50:18It's all on account of the rebels.
00:50:19Who mentioned anything about rebels?
00:50:21There are no rebels.
00:50:23Understand?
00:50:24Well, then, who was that old lady on the television?
00:50:28Thomasina Page, it's a harmless lunatic.
00:50:30Would you please come outside, sir?
00:50:31We'd like to ask you a few questions.
00:50:36Come on, Annie.
00:50:37Alone, if you don't mind.
00:50:39Mr. President will explain those accidents during his address to the nation tonight.
00:50:44How did she jam the networks?
00:50:45How'd she bump off our friends?
00:50:47She didn't bump off anybody.
00:50:48She walked into a television station, waving a gun, forced them to put her on the air.
00:50:52Now, we've taken her back to the asylum, and that is the end of it.
00:50:55You know, I've got just two words to say about that.
00:50:57Oh, bullshit!
00:51:02Hey, I told you to stop pulling that song!
00:51:05You seem to forget, Joe, that I'm a representative of Mr. President's government.
00:51:10I happen to hold the power of life and death.
00:51:13Yeah?
00:51:14I happen to hold the clam sauce.
00:51:18Look out, Paterbo.
00:51:19You may be the second biggest clown in this circus,
00:51:22but if I want you dead, you're dead.
00:51:26Sit down and eat!
00:51:33I'm going to stop pulling that music!
00:51:36I'm going to stop pulling that music!
00:51:36Were they armed, or did they expect the fire in the ditch to be enough to stop you?
00:51:40I don't know what they expected.
00:51:41We just ran through it all and kept on going.
00:51:45Just one more question, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:51:49Did you take that particular road on your own initiative, or on the advice of your navigator?
00:51:56On my own initiative.
00:51:58Thank you, Mr. Frankenstein.
00:51:59That will be all.
00:52:03There has been a lot of talk about American rebels.
00:52:08We have positive proof that it was none other than the treacherous French
00:52:13who have been sabotaging our great race,
00:52:17just as they and their stinking European allies
00:52:21have undermined and destroyed our great national economy.
00:52:26It is no coincidence, my dear children, that the word sabotage was invented by the French.
00:52:34Where's Annie?
00:52:35I don't know.
00:52:36Hey, did you hear the news?
00:52:38Mr. President said it was the French who knocked off Nero and Matilda.
00:52:42Watch out for the creeps who's in.
00:52:44Lamedy, Jane Kelly, Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, and Frankenstein,
00:52:48as they begin the last lap of their long and difficult journey
00:52:54toward new Los Angeles.
00:53:01Drop your keys.
00:53:04I was just looking for something I lost.
00:53:07The race?
00:53:09Look, Joe, I threw you off course, okay?
00:53:14All's fair in love and war?
00:53:16I'm glad to hear you say that, Annie,
00:53:17because what we've got going here definitely ain't love.
00:53:22Well, then why don't we just forget about it?
00:53:26You know, Annie,
00:53:27it's too bad things ain't like they were in the old days,
00:53:30and we just take somebody in an alley and blow their brains out.
00:53:33You know?
00:53:35Joe, please.
00:53:36Go ahead and scream, Annie.
00:53:38You're hurting me, Joe.
00:53:39There's nobody to hear you.
00:53:42Huh?
00:53:47How does it feel to know
00:53:48that you're going to spend the rest of your life in pain?
00:53:51The rest of your life.
00:53:53It's about a minute and a half.
00:53:57Hey, Frank.
00:53:58Frank, I'm glad you told me I caught your navigator
00:54:01trying to screw around with the car,
00:54:02so I thought I'd come out and have a look
00:54:05at what was going on, you know what I mean?
00:54:06Hey, come on.
00:54:07Frank!
00:54:08Frank!
00:54:20Frank!
00:54:27Oh!
00:54:38Oh!
00:54:58Ah!
00:55:00Ugh!
00:55:04Ugh!
00:55:30Onstairs.
00:55:31So much for a fair fight.
00:55:35Next chance I get, you're dead.
00:55:46What were you doing down there?
00:55:47Any more secret instructions from the lunatic fringe?
00:55:55Why don't you just turn me in and get it over with?
00:55:58No need to.
00:56:02Blowing your cover, you're no threat to me.
00:56:05Anyway, you're not someone I would throw away.
00:56:09I have a job to do.
00:56:10Your job is a waste of time.
00:56:13The world doesn't want to be saved.
00:56:15I'm giving you a chance to save one small part of it.
00:56:19Yourself.
00:56:21Who are you, anyway?
00:56:24Nobody.
00:56:27I was brought up in a government training center to be just what I am.
00:56:30Frankenstein.
00:56:31The best driver on earth this year.
00:56:35They use one up, they bring in another.
00:56:38But I will be the last of the line.
00:56:40Oh, who's kidding who?
00:56:46I never kid.
00:57:13Why don't you ever take off that glove?
00:57:15What's underneath it?
00:57:17That's my secret.
00:57:20You and the Swiss doctors again?
00:57:24There are no Swiss doctors.
00:57:27Just Native American.
00:57:31Noel.
00:57:53Have you checked the oil?
00:57:54Yes.
00:57:55Have you checked the hydraulics?
00:57:56An hour ago.
00:57:58Brakes, tires, water?
00:57:59Yeah, they're okay. Everything's okay.
00:58:02Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything to sabotage the car.
00:58:08You getting loaded with that face?
00:58:10Yeah, I wonder if somebody got points for that eye.
00:58:15Listen, Frankenstein, there's just you, me, and Joe left in the race,
00:58:18and, well, I just want you to know that whoever wins or whatever happens,
00:58:23it's been really grand racing with you folks.
00:58:26I also want to say that I think you make a real nice couple.
00:58:29Thank you, Kate.
00:58:31Good luck.
00:58:40Joe, Myra, I just want to say whatever happens, whoever wins.
00:58:45They save it for the French.
00:58:49The cars are started, lined up, and ready to roll on the last lap.
00:58:54They're off!
00:58:55Frankenstein, holy crap!
00:58:57Joe has just scored his own pit crew.
00:59:00You lousy sons of bitches!
00:59:05Machine gun Joe Viterbo, that funny man from Chicago, has scored his own mechanics for 40 points,
00:59:13and is off to catch Calamity Jane and Frankenstein.
00:59:25The
00:59:26Screw you, Joe Viterbo and your mother!
00:59:28Look till you get to new L.A. first, with the highest score of two.
00:59:32It's coming up on the left.
00:59:35Forget it, I'm keeping Frankie in my sights.
00:59:38He's got five minutes on us, and he's stretching it.
00:59:41So what, if there's trouble up ahead, he'll find it first?
00:59:45Oh, yeah, take a look at your face.
00:59:48You'll find it first.
00:59:51You know, Myra, some people might think you're cute.
00:59:54But me, I think you're one very large baked potato.
00:59:58Roaring down motorway 66 towards California, Frankenstein looks certain to be first across the line.
01:00:05But Machine Gun Joe is still way ahead on points, and he could win the race even by arriving second
01:00:12in New Los Angeles.
01:00:13What's your prediction, Grace?
01:00:17You know, Junior, when Machine Gun Joe was just a little boy in Chicago,
01:00:22he had a pet snake that he used to love to ride over with his tricycle.
01:00:27What?
01:00:57Oh, yeah.
01:01:11Oh, my God.
01:01:12Oh, there's a grass, what's she prefers?
01:01:12Ooh, the horse.
01:01:15Oh, my God.
01:01:22Okay, I can also understand each other's staz,
01:01:22the upperc turbine's 나오 eh so far,
01:01:22All right.
01:01:23Oh, my God.
01:01:40Oh, my God.
01:02:19Break out the thermos and pipe, Audrey.
01:02:21Coming right up.
01:02:47Here.
01:02:48I didn't mean to hot at all.
01:02:50Hey.
01:02:50What flavor is it?
01:02:52Vanilla.
01:02:54Not my favorite.
01:03:00Isn't it vanilla?
01:03:02It's pink or something.
01:03:03Yeah, well, my taste buds got wiped out in the crash of 97.
01:03:07Well, it's a good thing that mine is still intact.
01:03:10At least a French can of poisons.
01:03:16What's Frankenstein's location now?
01:03:18He's about 50 miles out, Lieutenant.
01:03:22They're coming fast.
01:03:26Goodbye, Mrs. Payne.
01:03:28When you see me again, Frankenstein will be my prisoner and the whole country will know we must be taken
01:03:33seriously.
01:03:33Fury, wait.
01:03:34I'm coming with you.
01:03:36No, Mrs. Payne.
01:03:37It's too dangerous.
01:03:37Nonsense.
01:03:38I've waited 20 years for this moment.
01:03:40Oh, I know I can't join you on the mission.
01:03:42But I want to see you pull it off with my own eyes.
01:03:47A couple of turn offs coming up.
01:03:50What's the quickest way to U.L.A.?
01:03:52That's funny.
01:03:54What?
01:03:56I can't, I can't seem to focus my eyes on the map.
01:04:00I think we stay on seven.
01:04:02I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
01:04:05Look at that.
01:04:10It's them, isn't it?
01:04:11Please, please stop the car.
01:04:14Sorry.
01:04:15We're at a race.
01:04:26Frankenstein, stop right now.
01:04:28We want to talk to you.
01:04:31Stop before I force you to.
01:04:47I'll bomb you to a halt if I have to.
01:05:02Annie, help me!
01:05:03Turn off the engine!
01:05:07Annie, Stan, Mrs. Payne.
01:05:08He must have killed her.
01:05:12Now I'm really gonna let him have it.
01:05:24Look at that. The Rebels will sure give it to Frankenstein.
01:05:28Thank you, Rebels.
01:05:29Baby, I think we got this race won.
01:05:32Aren't we gonna help him, Joe?
01:05:34What, are you nuts or something?
01:05:35I'm getting my ass out of here
01:05:36before they decide to make emergency landing.
01:05:39Come on, sit down.
01:05:41That a girl.
01:06:06Come on!
01:06:07Come on!
01:06:10Come on!
01:06:13Bye!
01:06:13What's up?
01:06:18Bye!
01:06:20Bye!
01:06:23Bye!
01:06:31Oh, my God.
01:06:53Oh, my God.
01:07:35Well, America, there you have it.
01:07:38Frankenstein has just been attacked by the French Air Force,
01:07:41and he's whipped their derrieres.
01:07:44His point total for this one will be something astronomical.
01:07:47Machine Gun Joe better watch out.
01:07:56I'm right on schedule.
01:07:57Hey, what happened?
01:07:59I slipped you a 30-minute sleep-ex.
01:08:02Didn't want you doing something back there we would both regret.
01:08:04Did they attack us?
01:08:06According to the radio, we were attacked by the French Air Force.
01:08:09Was the plane shot down?
01:08:12Even those Swiss doctors couldn't have helped.
01:08:15I'm sorry.
01:08:16I know they were your people.
01:08:18But I can't let anything stop me now.
01:08:20They didn't expect you to give up easily.
01:08:22They were prepared for whatever happened.
01:08:26Oh, my God.
01:08:27You've been hit.
01:08:28I'll make it.
01:08:31I'm sorry things worked out this way.
01:08:35It's not over yet.
01:08:36I'm afraid it is.
01:08:39Hey!
01:09:10What the hell do you think you're doing?
01:09:12It doesn't make any difference what happens to Maria.
01:09:15Now, that is the dumbest, sorriest thing I've ever heard you say.
01:09:18I don't believe you've got a drop of Thomasina Payne's blood in your whole body.
01:09:23The minute things get rough,
01:09:24you close your eyes and try to drive us off a cliff.
01:09:26If you just stop trying to kill me for a minute,
01:09:30I need your help.
01:09:31How can you possibly expect me to help you?
01:09:34You're my navigator.
01:09:36You're the only one who knows where you're going.
01:09:38I mean, whose side are you on, anyway?
01:09:41I thought the only thing you cared about was winning the race.
01:09:45Sure.
01:09:46Only the winner of the race is to shake hands with Mr. President.
01:09:50Is that a grenade?
01:09:52A hand grenade.
01:09:53That handshake is all I've lived for.
01:09:56For as long as I can remember.
01:09:59Now, wait a minute.
01:10:00I don't want you to die.
01:10:06It's my life's work.
01:10:09It's my life's work.
01:10:14It's my life's work.
01:10:21It's my life's work.
01:10:23It's my life's work.
01:10:25It's my life's work.
01:10:27It's my life's work.
01:10:27It's my life's work.
01:10:27It's my life's work.
01:10:28It's my life's work.
01:10:28It's my life's work.
01:10:30It's my life's work.
01:10:31It's my life's work.
01:10:35It's my life's work.
01:10:49Why do I want to win this race so bad?
01:10:52Why do I want to win this race in the name of hate?
01:10:55One big 50 for hate.
01:11:33Why do I want to win this race?
01:12:03Why do I want to win this race?
01:12:20Why do I want to win this race?
01:12:54Why do I want to win this race?
01:13:17You're gonna have to shift the gears for me now.
01:13:20The only thing that worries me is how am I gonna shake hands with Mr. President?
01:13:27Mr. President's the one who should be worried now.
01:13:49He's coming! Can you hear that engine? Still in perfect tune!
01:13:55Here he is, the one and only three-time winner and sole survivor
01:14:00of the 20th Annual Transcontinental Road Race, none other than Frankenstein himself!
01:14:08And now, Mr. President...
01:14:10Our enemy, the French, have destroyed nearly all our gallant races,
01:14:17just as they have crippled our once great economy and wrecked our telephone system.
01:14:25But even they, in all their evil power, were unable to destroy Frankenstein,
01:14:32who is the embodiment of our national virtue, and therefore, indestructible.
01:14:40It is fitting that Frankenstein should be the one chosen by your President
01:14:45to lead you in this war against the French, which I now decree.
01:14:53Frankenstein has been shot! There is a French spying army!
01:14:57Go! Feed that woman!
01:15:00Frankenstein, are you all right?
01:15:15Frankenstein!
01:15:19Frankenstein!
01:15:40Frankenstein!
01:15:48Frankenstein!
01:15:49Frankenstein!
01:15:50Frankenstein!
01:15:51Frankenstein! Frankenstein! Frankenstein!
01:16:00Mr. and Mrs. President Frankenstein, dear friends of mine,
01:16:09can you tell us what your first official acts will be?
01:16:12I plan to pension off the secret police, restore free elections, end minority privilege,
01:16:18and move the seat of government back to New Los Angeles.
01:16:21The country has been governed from abroad long enough.
01:16:22Mr. President Frankenstein, is it true that you are now accepting rebels into your government?
01:16:28Well, since I have accepted one into my house...
01:16:32President Frankenstein has appointed my great-grandmother, Thomasina Payne,
01:16:37and you of her experience in the field, as the Minister for Domestic Security.
01:16:41And I plan to deal very harshly with rebels.
01:16:45Anybody who is unhappy with happiness can go find someplace else to live.
01:16:51What about the race?
01:16:52The race is abolished.
01:16:54Abolished?
01:16:55That's right.
01:16:56We feel that the country no longer needs this gratuitous display of violence
01:17:00to show the world that its virility is still intact.
01:17:03Right.
01:17:03But, Mr. President Frankenstein, isn't it true that, as a racer,
01:17:06your popularity depended entirely on violence?
01:17:09I'm afraid I shall have to let my press secretary answer that question.
01:17:14Stop annoying Mr. President with impartinent questions, Junior.
01:17:18It's the race, man.
01:17:20President Frankenstein, you can't call off the race.
01:17:23The American people won't stand for it.
01:17:25Get out of the way, Junior.
01:17:27The race is the symbol of everything we hold dear.
01:17:30Our American way of life.
01:17:32Sure it's violent, but that's the way we love it.
01:17:35Violent, violent, violent.
01:17:37And that's why we love you.
01:17:38Frank, do we have to listen to this?
01:17:40Me, Violent?
01:17:41No.
01:17:41Who wouldn't have wanted?
01:17:42No, man!
01:17:51As do this matter of violence.
01:17:54The technique of violence was first developed in two million B.C.
01:17:59by the Australopithecines, a tribe of four-foot primates
01:18:03who had no brains to speak of, but who, nevertheless, invented the tomahawk
01:18:09and used it on each other.
01:18:11This practice led to the enlargement of the brain, another useful weapon.
01:18:17Yes, murder was invented even before man began to think.
01:18:22Now, of course, man has become known as the thinking animal.
01:19:08It takes care of not being known as the many people who seem soNDed.
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