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Taskmaster AU - S05 E01

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo-hoo!
00:08Oh!
00:13I'm pro-going!
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo-hoo!
00:23Yeah, you're a good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're gonna be like this today, aren't you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back, baby.
00:45I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique
00:48and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgmental
00:51in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me
00:58and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare
01:01there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:21...and I'm so sorry.
01:23I'm so sorry.
01:24...and I'm so sorry.
01:24...and Perth's very own, Roe McManus.
01:28And at my loyal side, the man who in the off-season
01:32somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the eye of a fidget spinner.
01:36It's lesser Tom Cashman.
01:42It's not my fault, it was a design flaw.
01:46Alright, it's time for the prize task.
01:49That's right. Our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster, will receive five points.
01:55Second best four points and so on.
01:56And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
02:02what they consider to be the object most likely to satisfy the Taskmaster
02:05if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:09Alright, Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work
02:17so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush
02:20would be the careers of your competitors.
02:30I like where you're going but I think at the moment
02:32they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:35Also, Roe, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37I'm excited!
02:39Alright, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is and it's been, you know,
02:43all over the news and media, you have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:47So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:55And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls.
03:00Check this out.
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there, grab his balls
03:10and go, deal or no deal Grant?
03:13Yeah!
03:15Alright Celia, what have you got?
03:17I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing for anybody to crush in their hand physically
03:22and then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush,
03:25a potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:35Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:39but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42Yeah.
03:42I'm like, that's never going to happen either.
03:44I know.
03:45But it's a slippery slope though, because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:52Alright, Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:55We both clearly hate the sun and so therefore hate sand,
04:00because you know, that gets in all the cracks and very hard to get out.
04:02And so I have built a sand castle with the most crushable thing on it,
04:08Tom Cashman's face.
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I make when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:20Alright, Rove, what did you bring in?
04:21I took something that I have myself that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:28It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it, this happens,
04:34a little mouse comes out.
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:43The mouse is very cute coming out of the cheese,
04:46but I grew up on a farm and we had a mouse plague
04:48and I'm traumatised by mice.
04:50So one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to, what else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:58So I'm going to give two points to Brett and three points to Anissa.
05:01But I have a genuine feud with you, you s***head.
05:10So I'm going to give Joel four points, but five points to Celia,
05:13because, you know...
05:16Oh my God.
05:18Alright, that's enough piss farting about.
05:20I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it. Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:40Hello, Tom.
05:42Hello, Thomas.
05:43Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:50Hi, Rose.
05:51Oh, hi, Tom.
05:52Dude, is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
06:00You don't think?
06:02Not at all.
06:03Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08Look at your friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:13This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18Okay.
06:18I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:21Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:28The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
06:31With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:35For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:44Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started, I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:06Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Roe.
07:11All right, you guys, are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free, my little passengers.
07:19Look at them go.
07:20This is great.
07:21Never going to win unless I cry.
07:29Oh no, we lost one.
07:31Oh, but she's still going.
07:33Go, you little ripper.
07:34Oh, I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh no.
07:39Oh, it's carnage.
07:40Oh no.
07:42Oh no.
07:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:58I'm Muslim.
07:59I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh no.
08:01Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
08:05And we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh, .
08:08I lied.
08:09He's a pedophile.
08:10Let's go for broke.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one.
08:21Oh no, they're all dead.
08:23Oh.
08:23I'm going to miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude, it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post effects, we could add flames.
08:41Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Stand back.
08:43Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:45Here we go.
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Right, the finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you, okay?
09:00Do you trust me?
09:01Let's go.
09:03He's crossed the line.
09:04Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No, she's fine.
09:11They're all fine, Tom.
09:13In fact, I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks, Tom.
09:20Thanks, Celia.
09:21Bye.
09:29So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where, after the tribute, they throw the body away?
09:35Well, you don't keep them.
09:37Yeah.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
09:45What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know.
09:47One of them...
09:47Oh, I won't repeat it.
09:49I'll repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute,
09:58I should have been there.
10:00Um, you were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
10:08I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know?
10:14Right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
10:24Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:27Oh, it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:30Oh!
10:33No?
10:35I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40Alright.
10:40Now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah, probably the second line of the task, actually.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45And what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:51Oh, no!
10:52Captain Boyle!
10:53We will miss him.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh, ****!
10:56That was Jasmine.
10:58Okay.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So, what was...
11:03Can I put it back?
11:04So, Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh!
11:09Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean, now?
11:19I wasn't touching them, no.
11:25So, this means they're all disqualified.
11:27That's right, yeah.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it!
11:38I just love touching eggs, okay?
11:40I have a problem.
11:43Alright, well, let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:00Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us, you're late and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing, Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway as fast as they can
12:11and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
12:12So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:16Alright, it's just a simple task.
12:18Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next, it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described as an egg-touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in.
12:31Let's go.
12:32I can use anything, right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:39I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah, you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this and sort of shut, then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well, what if I like put something over the top to pad it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:53Go to sleep with legs.
12:56What's that for?
12:56A ramp, dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh, that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:14I feel like this is a shove.
13:17That's a shove.
13:19That's a shove.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:26There is one deceased passenger.
13:28We've travelled all this way.
13:30And you are just a bit too weak.
13:32And that's life, isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial?
13:34That's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing the national anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:43Yeah, well I'm doing this.
13:45Go.
13:45Come on.
13:46Australians.
13:49Oh, let us rejoice.
14:06There's five deceased passengers.
14:07I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
14:11You know what I mean?
14:11And if you could keep singing that national anthem as well, I think that will help.
14:15We've got the flag there.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19We are young and free-range eggs.
14:24With golden oil and something, something oil.
14:30Our home is pink.
14:32The eggs would want me to win.
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49Oh, there you go.
15:00Great work, Brett.
15:01I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like, for we are young and free, range.
15:06Range.
15:08I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic, but I manage to read, do not
15:12touch the eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a bogan memorial, you should have been wearing wraparound sunnies.
15:20Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp.
15:23I got the van involved.
15:24I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator on set started hiding
15:30vehicles from me.
15:31So it did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun though.
15:35Well, I felt like I was in danger more than this.
15:39Danger, electric, excitement.
15:41It's all the same, dude.
15:43Alright, Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were saying that you weren't
15:47that strong, but then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope because it didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials though because I've been planning my funeral forever.
16:03I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05What's your plan?
16:05open casket with my eyes glued open.
16:07Right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:11Yeah.
16:12Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:18El Farber?
16:19El Farber?
16:21El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:23I'm not a musical guy.
16:25Hush your dirty mouth.
16:26You're going to want to retake that because they're going to come to you, Tom.
16:30Do not retake that.
16:31No.
16:32If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs, you do not get a second credit.
16:39Luke, I am your El Farber.
16:41Yeah.
16:41No.
16:42No, no, no.
16:43It's all right.
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom, you know.
16:47You know.
16:47You're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Ooze.
16:49Right?
16:51To be fair, we should just do a pick-up of you saying El Farber because otherwise fans
16:56of musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:59Oh, no.
17:00Joel.
17:01Joel.
17:01I don't think he's seen what Joe's hands come in.
17:02I was going to say, we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run, better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to sink that side of me, Tom.
17:17Woo!
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me about his funeral
17:27is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van means his time is just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants, Anissa, Celia and Rove, all disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:47All right.
17:50Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh, that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:54Okay, six points for Brett Blake.
17:56Yeah, pretty big.
17:58Okay, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:00Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on eight points.
18:07All right.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names, but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:16Oh, wait.
18:16All right.
18:18All right.
18:32Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh!
18:40What, choose one that's hanging?
18:41They'll describe me.
18:43Darren, technically a name, but that's all right.
18:45I'll go with kill.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I'll choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh, no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edmund Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now do I read the thing?
19:02Yes, Liz.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:18You have 25 minutes to time search down.
19:20I mean, obviously Danny's my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like, what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like, what would a cool person?
19:27Like, I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:31This is effed up, but I'd know someone called Darren.
19:35He proposed to his missus in a Maccas.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
19:39Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:42Cool.
19:43Cool.
19:44I want to physically get cool.
19:46I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:47So I'm going to be sharp.
19:50Okay.
19:50And hot.
19:52And, like, have rabies.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:01Tom.
20:02Yeah.
20:02I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:07Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:23Oh, yeah.
20:25Nah.
20:27Bam.
20:28Nailed it.
20:30Okay, Tom.
20:31I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett.
20:38Chaos.
20:38Blake.
20:39Ah!
20:40Your time's up now, Tomina.
20:42No one's going to save you.
20:44Oh, my God.
20:48It's Brett.
20:49Sexy.
20:50Blake.
20:50No!
20:54No!
20:54S-
20:55.
20:56S-
20:57S-
20:57S-
20:57S-
20:57S-
20:58S-
20:58S-
20:58S-
20:59S-
21:00S-
21:00S-
21:14S-
21:15You're welcome.
21:43See you next time.
21:44You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:49Okay, so did you forget which word you chose?
21:55You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy and you were sexy.
21:59Ah, but they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02You were like, that's sexy. I went with chaos, sexy and danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit. I think the character was Captain Chaos
22:10and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or Cool or Darren and
22:17maybe Darren and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:22Not Tom.
22:23Not, who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right. I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
22:30Yeah, that's funny.
22:32It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:35That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
22:41Alright, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
22:45The ads. Back soon.
22:57Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting. You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
23:05And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:08Where were we, Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there. Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I'll get a full meal, love. Get a full f***ing meal.
23:22Because today is a real special day.
23:26Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:32Beautiful. Beautiful spot. This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream,
23:35Oh, man.
23:37I'm a hot race.
23:41Cool. See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
23:59Okay.
23:59You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should. I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:04Look at that.
24:04Murphy.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs?
24:07I need to sign you Darren Nandala.
24:09I do.
24:10I refresh you.
24:14Get the large, get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:19Come on.
24:20Done.
24:23Enjoy the view.
24:30This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33Okay.
24:33So, how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:39Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
24:43He's a rugby player.
24:46I've noticed I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, okay.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00Okay.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:05Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:07Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:11Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:15When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:18You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool,
25:36but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:38You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him.
25:45And I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:56Uppus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:05Broomie, it's time to fly.
26:07Up.
26:09Come on, Broomie.
26:11We've got to save the day.
26:13The evil wizard, uh, i-board is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go.
26:20Ah!
26:21My scar's hurting.
26:23Like that.
26:25That must mean that...
26:27What was his name again?
26:29i-i-board or something like this?
26:31Oh, no!
26:32Here he comes!
26:38Well, well, well.
26:40If it isn't Rove, Wizard, McManus.
26:44Evil wizard, Voldy-board.
26:46No, evil...
26:48Evil wizard, i-i-board.
26:49I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if i was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
27:00No.
27:01Kill us.
27:02Villainous.
27:05Sparks come out of it.
27:07Cool effects.
27:07Oh, no!
27:09You got me, Rove, Wizard, McManus.
27:13Then I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:20Flames.
27:22Yeah.
27:23That's what you get for being a dick.
27:26All a simple day in the life.
27:29For me, Rove, the Wizard, McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Womp womp.
27:40Very emotional.
27:41They are.
27:42There we go.
27:43To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking it was about to magically become entertainment.
28:07There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you, uh, were you griffin bored?
28:12Yeah, boy!
28:15Shut up, Malfoy.
28:18You know!
28:20Check out these Dumbledawks.
28:22I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Pakula.
29:00Oh!
29:01Oh!
29:04Scared?
29:05I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:06Yes, a little bit.
29:08Not just that.
29:09This is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out.
29:11It's incredibly dangerous.
29:12And this is an open flame, Tom.
29:14Oh, no.
29:15And scissors.
29:16Oh.
29:17And I can't help but notice the, um...
29:18Yes, because I have unprotected sex, and I'm a man, and I have a cactus penis.
29:22Okay.
29:22But I'm also a bear, and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
29:26All very dangerous things.
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief.
29:30I will say good day to you, sir.
29:32Good day.
29:34Yeah.
29:37Yeah.
29:38Yeah.
29:40So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
29:42Because there was a lot there.
29:43My first thought was swords, and I had rabies, and I had scissors, and I had my PIN number, and
29:49my home address, and my mobile phone number.
29:52You had more than that.
29:53What else did I have?
29:53Oh, yeah.
29:54These are things written on your suit.
29:55Yeah.
29:55I'm a man.
29:56Yeah.
29:57I'm a bear.
29:58Yeah.
29:58I have a snake.
30:00I have worms.
30:01I answer unknown numbers.
30:03My password is easy to guess, and my shoelaces are undone.
30:07Oh, yeah.
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone.
30:09Oh, were they not?
30:10All right.
30:11Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
30:12You do.
30:13Okay.
30:13Well, that's pretty easy.
30:14One to Rove.
30:17I'm going to give two points to Joel, because he started cool, and then he ended not cool.
30:20I'm going to give three points to Celia, because it was still very dangerous.
30:23Okay.
30:23I'm going to give four points to Anissa, because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
30:28Woo!
30:28But I'm going to give five points to Brett, just because it was awesome and chaotic.
30:34Love it.
30:37All right.
30:37We'll be back after the break.
30:39Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
30:41See you soon.
30:53Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
30:55We've just got time for one last proper task.
30:59So, what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
31:00It's our first location task of the series, so giddy up, we're off to the racetrack.
31:20I love these big walks.
31:22Hi, Tom.
31:23Is this walk really necessary?
31:26Yes.
31:32Can I help you?
31:34Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read.
31:36Oh, okay.
31:41Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
31:44Easy.
31:44Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
31:47If the ball rolls to the bottom, you must remove a chair.
31:50This is so hard.
31:52Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
31:55You have 10 minutes to place the chairs, then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you.
32:04That's right.
32:05What have the chairs got to do with anything?
32:07If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair, then you can go up to that spot and kick
32:11from there.
32:11Get what I mean?
32:12Not really.
32:13And also the ball just f***ed off.
32:15You might want to go get the ball.
32:16Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
32:17Are you right-footed?
32:19Right-footed?
32:20Who's right-footed?
32:21I'm right-handed.
32:22What is right-footed?
32:24Oh, dear.
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:34No.
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with?
32:39Which foot do you kickball change with?
32:41Oh, I kickball change with my right foot.
32:43I'm right-footed.
32:44That's all you had to ask.
32:45All right.
32:46Who's up first?
32:46The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored.
32:49It's Rove and Celia.
32:51All right.
32:52I'm going to change.
32:53You can do some chat if you want.
32:55I'm just moving chairs.
32:55What did you have for breakfast?
32:56I had a protein ball because I'm an athlete.
32:59Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
33:05Uh, pizza.
33:06Because that's what legends eat.
33:09I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
33:11What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth.
33:14It just keeps getting progressively worse, so don't keep going backwards.
33:17I've gone double digits.
33:18I'm not happy with that.
33:19Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
33:22A human child.
33:23See?
33:24I told you not to ask, Tom.
33:25Oh, my gosh.
33:26What am I doing?
33:27I'm a genius.
33:29Okay.
33:30No more chair placement.
33:32The kicking may begin.
33:32Oh!
33:35Shut up!
33:37That was pretty far.
33:41Oh!
33:42Keep bouncing!
33:43Keep bouncing!
33:50You shut up.
33:51No, that's gone.
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
33:55Please remove one chair.
33:57Okay.
33:57At this point, this is doing F all.
33:59Alright.
33:59How good was that bounce, though?
34:01The people at home loved that.
34:03Did you hear the reaction?
34:04No?
34:05Well, okay.
34:06Oh!
34:07Oh!
34:08Too far!
34:11Come on, little chair.
34:12Yes, little chair!
34:13Yeah!
34:14Whoop-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
34:17You shut up.
34:18Stop!
34:19Stop!
34:19Stop!
34:20Stop!
34:21Tom!
34:23Yes!
34:24Look at that.
34:25There's a bit of support here.
34:28Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
34:30that was a foolish foolish call wait for it wait for it wait for it so I'm
34:37allowed to pick it up yes okay I'm gonna pick up the ball now Tom bounce over
34:47that was so close again the crowd but you wouldn't know because your
34:51imagination is limited well it's gonna be I don't know if I could just okay all
34:55right all right come on chair you know what you're doing I just didn't believe
35:15in myself but how good I was gonna be at that that's a shame thanks Tom careful
35:22those chairs I mean we shouldn't we shouldn't just we shouldn't just be
35:25leaving those there right was that trip on purpose or was it an accident it was a
35:36comedy it was a comedy fall I was just worried about you because it was so
35:40convincing when you fell over I was just genuinely concerned for your welfare
35:44thank you Tom I appreciate that I was gonna laugh but then I didn't because I
35:48worried you were hurt all right and so I must admit Rove I reckon the most
35:54impressive things was seeing you miss by such a time it was quite painful at the
35:59other areas and then I don't know if you saw I swapped legs I went I went left I
36:03went right didn't make a difference are you right-footed whatever that means I
36:09think my feet are bisexual so it's like thought I recognized them okay so Celia how
36:17do you feel you went I loved that yeah I loved it so much my only mistake was not
36:21knowing how good I'd be at it like you're saying like I should have believed in
36:25myself without too many chairs well the hardest part of your task was just
36:28watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation because I feel like you're
36:32giving him a lot of fun offers and she's told me to do some chat I remember I
36:36asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said are you in
36:39the war I had tinned peaches at the hotel I didn't have my own tin I didn't ask where the
36:47war happened anyway so yes that was the conversation thank you it was difficult
36:53working with you all right so let's look at the stats well ultimately it's a game of
36:59faith in yourself right so the fewer chairs more faith you have Celia had 19
37:03chairs worth of faith yep Rove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself
37:07that's a lot of faith all right who's battling the ramp next the next
37:10contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brett
37:13oh this is the logical thing yeah put them in a line
37:22why can't this form kick it to you in one go if you can you can what if I kick
37:27it so
37:27far it doesn't come back then the task is done that's correct oh that's too easy
37:32let's win this I'm real dogging it dude you're locking in zero chairs yeah
37:41bro why is this ramp so rampy this is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had
37:57Michael Jordan rest in peace he's not dead rest in peace kobe
38:11dude you are now chalice Johnny Wilkinson
38:28bro this is a disgustingly steep ramp
38:43go go go go go yes yes yes how much time have I got seven seconds left
38:55Michelle Obama
39:05I'm gonna report this ramp to the ramp authorities dude that was sick sometimes
39:11he's gonna believe himself well done hell yeah
39:20so Anissa you you you were yelling out various names what was the thinking behind that
39:25rest in peace Michael Jordan
39:28is he still here he's alive and well okay
39:31you'll never believe it he plays rugby league for Queensland
39:37and they say you were yelling famous black people as you kicked Usain Bolt Serena Williams Kamal Harris and Nick
39:43Kyrgios I claim him I claim Nick Kyrgios he's close enough
39:49all right
39:50all right now Brett amazing tactic no chairs no chairs just back yourself that's right I've never even seen this
40:00TV show and I'm dominating
40:06who would have thought the guy with the truck license would beat the three theatre dorks
40:13who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence
40:17and the fact that you're winning makes it even worse
40:19yeah it really stinks
40:21sucked in
40:23so should we look at the scores there
40:25well Anissa had 34 kicks
40:27oh
40:28Brett only used seven kicks
40:30and is leading with zero chairs placed
40:36okay
40:37we've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet
40:41but first it's time for a break
40:43come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip
40:59welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question would sports be more entertaining if
41:06they were done by people with no sporting ability
41:09where were we Lester Tom
41:10our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs
41:13fewest chairs placed wins
41:15up last
41:16it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them
41:19it's Joel Creasy
41:22fucking setting up for an event
41:26stay here
41:27careful of that you wouldn't want the ball to get away
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups
41:42okay
41:52what are you doing
41:53looking for the ball
41:58oh
41:59is this some
42:00onion
42:02what
42:03where did it go
42:05where did the ball go
42:06I don't know
42:07I saw it go down there that's all I saw
42:09you've done something
42:11I didn't do anything
42:12you did
42:13it was right here
42:14your kicking time has begun
42:15this is so dumb Tom
42:17where's the ball
42:17I don't know
42:18Tom
42:19I told you to make sure it didn't blow away
42:21where is it
42:25it
42:25it can't have gone that far
42:28I've misread something like
42:29there's a little tree
42:30I don't think wind is a tree
42:32it's just a reality of life
42:34but it's not here
42:34then why are you here
42:36if it's down here I'll be so furious
42:44it's not here
42:52Tom this is so lame
42:54there's not even any other balls here
42:55can I kick you in the balls
42:57no thank you
42:58this is so stupid Tom
42:59someone's taking the ball
43:01I'm sorry
43:10how long do I have
43:11you've got 48 seconds left of kicking time
43:13I'm being gasoline
43:14I'm being completely gasoline
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here
43:18everyone is silent
43:18someone's taking the ball
43:20they have
43:21what kind
43:21I've forgotten what colour it was
43:2425 seconds left
43:25where's the ball
43:26it's not here
43:28is it like right here
43:29and I'm actually having a brain bleed
43:30I need to be in hospital
43:3110 seconds left
43:32this is ridiculous
43:33it's not here
43:36thanks Joel
43:38that was the worst
43:42and I had such a good sister
43:52now we know that
43:53you're not right footed or left footed
43:55you neither
43:57I was lost
43:59months of sleep
44:00wondering where that ball went
44:02lesser Tom even said
44:04it went that way
44:05and you went
44:05no it didn't
44:06you walked the other way
44:07I searched that way
44:07I searched that
44:09I searched that entire
44:10race thing
44:11that place
44:12that awful place
44:13didn't even get a chance to kick
44:15with my right foot
44:16or whatever footed I am
44:18you kept accusing me of taking it
44:20but you could see me the whole time
44:21someone went
44:22someone blew it away
44:24just to wind me up
44:25and you got me
44:28I looked up the wind speed on each day
44:30I had the windiest day
44:31no you didn't
44:31Brett did
44:34mine went around the corner
44:35but I just looked
44:36and it was there
44:38mine was having a schooner up the bar
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere
44:41Joel would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
44:43no
44:44I can at least work that out myself
44:48alright
44:48well let's go through the scores then
44:50Joel's obviously disqualified
44:51correct
44:52as is Anissa
44:53that means 3 points to Celia
44:554 points to Rove
44:56and Brett wins the task with 5 points
45:01alright
45:01and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Rove is in last place with 6 points
45:05but Brett's out in front with 18 points
45:09alright you lot
45:10please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season
45:18who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia
45:25pose for a photo at the median height
45:27with the median amount of naughtiness
45:30your photos will be compared
45:32and the contestant at the median height in their photo
45:36will win the height category
45:37tallest and shortest contestants will come second
45:40and the other two contestants will come third
45:43same scoring applies to naughtiness
45:46Brett are you okay?
45:48did he just faint?
45:50no I punched a wall out and I've left
45:53best overall performance in the two categories wins
45:55your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds
45:58so
45:59the middle of each category will win
46:01the tallest and shortest come second
46:03and then the other two come third
46:05okay your 75 seconds starts now
46:15why would you say that?
46:16what you have chosen as an Böyle?
46:31Wow
46:3230 seconds
46:3330 seconds
46:3430 seconds
46:54Okay it's time for one last break, hey during the break why don't you swap over each other's
46:59phones and have a look at the photos see who's got the naughtiest photos you'll enjoy it
47:14see you soon
47:14hello welcome back to the season premiere of taskmaster we're in the final stretch of our live
47:20task and just need some rankings sir tom that's right our contestants tried to take photos of
47:25median height and median naughtiness let's analyze the height first
47:34it goes yeah yeah did i win this then yeah that's right celia was the median height so you win
47:43the
47:43height category
47:46anisa and brett were tallest and shortest respectively so they come in second in the height category and
47:50joel and rove were the other ones all right so we have to rank some naughtiness there yes it's time
47:54to analyze naughtiness okay well i'm tempted to say that anisa and brett are the same because they're
47:59kind of dressed the same but they're doing something very different what's naughty about
48:02what you're doing there anisa do you want me to
48:08and i must say i was so worried but then i saw rove and i'm like i'm good
48:16what about brett well i i was using the the stick thing as an erect penis but then i remembered
48:23that
48:23it was medium so then i i folded the fake penis in half so it's a medium dick okay and
48:30then i got
48:30bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo just looking at celia were you actually naked
48:36it looks like it looks like i'm having an emergency in the shower all right but is that naughty or
48:42natural
48:44depends in a supermarket
48:47i wrote committed to his look very early on in the task i felt
48:54we had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations it was a workshop through it
48:59it was a process wasn't it i went for brett blake and just felt it okay and then we've got
49:03joel uh joel
49:06you just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper yeah
49:10i was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera was i all tackled naughty naughty
49:18joel is last because didn't look too offensive to me
49:21i find nudity to be natural not that naughty so second last is celia i'm gonna say brett was
49:29quite naughty and nisa was a little bit naughtier the naughtiest was watching uh roe manis
49:35do a rude thing or throw a zipper yeah okay so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness
49:40what do we have we've got three contestants in third place tied and nisa joel and rove celia
49:46is in second place with four points but brett wins the task with five points
49:52so who has won the first episode
50:01where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box
50:07or jump over a fire
50:17roe's right brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first episode
50:24congratulations to brett head up to the stage to collect your prized house things
50:32well there we go what have we learned three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit but touching them
50:38will cost you dearly brett took a lesson from the great l farber and defied gravity
50:45oh nice nice and while joel forgot what his blue ball looked like
50:52we'll never unlearn the sight of grant deniers give it up once more for our episode winner brett
50:59good night
51:18now the real fun begins
51:21five of the brightest i don't get it most physically gifted comedians in australia
51:26all of whom have perfect hand-eye coordination
51:31will compete to win a prize
51:32huzzah
51:33by impressing me
51:35are you the taskmaster
51:40you're not the taskmaster
51:44brett just to confirm i am the taskmaster
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