- 6 hours ago
Urzila S01E01-3 (2026) [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
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00:10I'm not a Christian.
00:12I'm not an ordained priest or anything.
00:14I was just being polite.
00:15I'm the one who's snot all over me
00:16because you don't know how to cover your head hole.
00:19Not a Christian.
00:21No, you're a Christian.
00:25Well, please let you know I'm not a Christian either.
00:32Oh, hello.
00:35How are you?
00:39You're a good-looking crowd.
00:42Welcome to Ursula.
00:44This may come as no big surprise,
00:46but I get a bit worked out
00:48when people say unnecessary shit to me.
00:50I don't know if you're the same.
00:51Like, anything can tip me over the edge.
00:54You know when you go to play with your card
00:55and when you go to tap,
00:57there's always some 12-year-old with milk around the mouth
00:59that goes,
00:59um, it's not there.
01:00You've got to tap on the side.
01:01You go,
01:01shut the fuck up!
01:03I would have figured it out.
01:04The machine is this big.
01:06I would tap you on the forehead a couple of times.
01:09How about that?
01:10How about that?
01:10You like that?
01:12But then I also,
01:13I'm the first one to put my hand up
01:15and say,
01:15yeah,
01:15I do suffer from early onset Karen.
01:18Do you ever watch those videos
01:20and go,
01:20I don't see a problem here.
01:22We have to go check the comments
01:24to see what this poor bitch did wrong.
01:26Honestly,
01:27I am with those women.
01:28I am with those women 100%
01:30until they get to the homophobia
01:31and the racism.
01:32I'm like,
01:32okay,
01:33I'm out.
01:33You're on your own,
01:34you weirdo.
01:35Cool haircut though.
01:41You've got your father's ears.
01:42Okay,
01:42you've got your test results.
01:44Please sit down.
01:45No,
01:45I'm good.
01:46I prefer standing.
01:47These are pretty serious results.
01:49Come on,
01:49honey,
01:50sit down.
01:50No,
01:51and you cannot force me.
01:52It's against my will
01:53and goes against the Geneva Convention.
01:55I know my rights.
01:56Okay,
01:56suit yourself.
01:58Firstly,
01:58how are the symptoms?
02:00Excuse me,
02:00none of your business.
02:01It's a privacy issue.
02:03As you can see,
02:04she's gotten worse.
02:06Lots of anger,
02:07public outbursts.
02:08We've been arguing
02:09with a lot of waiters lately.
02:10I know,
02:11I've seen the videos online.
02:12It's just menopause.
02:13Move on.
02:14I'm afraid it's much more serious
02:15than menopause.
02:16I'm sorry to tell you this,
02:17but you've contracted
02:18early onset,
02:19Karen.
02:20No.
02:21Oh no.
02:22How is this possible?
02:23I'm afraid the results
02:24are conclusive.
02:25Well,
02:25I'll tell you what,
02:26I want to talk to your supervisor.
02:28How long do we have?
02:29Not long,
02:29I'm afraid.
02:30As you can see,
02:31the virus has already spread
02:32throughout Ursula's internal organs.
02:34That's a mess.
02:35Well,
02:36this is all
02:36fine and dandy,
02:37but I don't recognise you
02:38as an authority
02:39to diagnose me.
02:43Look,
02:44we did your ancestry
02:46and it turns out
02:46you come from
02:47a very long line
02:48of Karens.
02:49Look.
02:50What is this?
02:52Why are these women
02:53all so beautiful
02:54but all so crazy?
02:56No!
02:58Is this me?
02:59Is this my future?
03:00What happened to them?
03:02What will happen to me?
03:05They're so beautiful,
03:07robust,
03:07but beautiful.
03:09Oh no,
03:09no!
03:10Oh no!
03:11This is possible!
03:12I don't understand
03:13what's happening!
03:14Oh no,
03:14no!
03:15Help me,
03:16I don't know!
03:19Oh!
03:24Should I be wearing
03:25a mask or something?
03:26You should be fine.
03:27We haven't seen
03:28the disease mutate,
03:29which is lucky
03:29because currently
03:30there's no cure.
03:31You have to do something!
03:32Yeah.
03:33Give me something
03:33right now!
03:34Okay,
03:35take this number.
03:36Is this for a specialist?
03:37No.
03:38That's for the local council.
03:39They'll be calling them
03:40a lot to complain
03:41about the garbage man.
03:42Even better.
03:43Thanks.
03:46You know,
03:47who knows,
03:47maybe I can fight this,
03:49you know,
03:49I don't feel so bad,
03:51you know.
03:51Don't worry,
03:51we'll get you through this.
03:53Oh nice,
03:54Ollie.
03:55Thanks, lady.
03:56Aw,
03:57that's sweet.
03:58Well done,
03:59you.
04:03Oi!
04:04Can't you read?
04:05It says no skateboarding.
04:07There are children
04:08who play in this area.
04:09Somebody could get hurt.
04:10I'm going to punch her.
04:12You're so rich!
04:14Sorry.
04:15She's,
04:16she's on a period.
04:17I'm not.
04:18Oh,
04:18I should have punched him
04:19in the head.
04:20It's not too late.
04:37Ten grand.
04:39I need a mainstream TV idea
04:44that families can watch together
04:46and that advertisers will love,
04:48but more importantly,
04:49we'll keep the cashola
04:50in my pocket
04:51and you,
04:52pack a horse,
04:53off the stripper pole.
04:54So hit me with your ideas.
04:55What have you got?
04:56Um,
04:57I've got one.
04:59The Skin I Was Born In,
05:01a heartfelt
05:02and honest documentary
05:04about body image
05:05and beauty standards
05:06in today's society.
05:08We follow these
05:09brave souls
05:10on their journey
05:10towards acceptance.
05:12Wow,
05:13a show about fat people.
05:14I love it.
05:15Well,
05:16it's more a show
05:18about body image.
05:19Fat Fuck Island.
05:20Yes.
05:21I love it, boss.
05:22Talk us through the idea.
05:24Okay,
05:24so fat people
05:25on an island
05:26and potentially they fuck.
05:28Oh,
05:28that's genius.
05:30They would.
05:30They would do that.
05:31They would.
05:32They'll try.
05:32There's a lot of gut.
05:34Could be part of their contract.
05:35Yeah.
05:35Must fuck.
05:36Yeah, I mean,
05:36I...
05:38they're taking me out
05:38in the country.
05:40Fat farmer
05:40wants a fat wife.
05:42Oh,
05:43that's great.
05:43I think that's
05:45straying quite far
05:46from my...
05:46Wait, wait, wait.
05:46I've got more.
05:47She's cooking now.
05:48Married at Fat Sight.
05:49You don't know
05:50who's coming.
05:51You can hear her.
05:53Fat Ninja Warrior.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56Try and hold on
05:57to a rope.
05:57Am I right?
05:58The Fat Singer.
05:59Who is it?
06:00They all sing opera.
06:02Okay,
06:02RuPaul's Fat Race.
06:03The Great British Fat Off.
06:05How many people
06:06rolling around?
06:06Fat guy for a queer guy.
06:07Dumpy,
06:08kind of dumpy.
06:09Yes.
06:10See,
06:11I think we've gone
06:12a little bit...
06:12I've got it.
06:14Fatty,
06:14fatty fight club.
06:16Okay,
06:16hear me out.
06:17We put a whole bunch
06:18of fatties together.
06:19All the weight
06:20that they lose
06:20go into a tank,
06:21okay?
06:22And then once a week
06:22we get two of these
06:23jumbos to fight each other
06:24and then the winner
06:26gets to eat cake,
06:27of course,
06:27and the loser
06:28goes into the fat tank.
06:30Fat Tank Friday.
06:31Yes!
06:32Yes!
06:33I love it.
06:34I love it.
06:34Hi, Trish.
06:35Honestly,
06:36Trish,
06:36this was remarkable.
06:37Well done.
06:38Well done.
06:39This isn't my idea.
06:40That's your idea.
06:41This is your idea.
06:41I just punched it up.
06:42Yeah.
06:42A little bit.
06:43It's hard.
06:43I was talking about
06:44a wholesome documentary
06:45to do with body image.
06:47Yeah,
06:47and this has all of that.
06:48Plus it has fighting
06:50and a fat tank.
06:51That's right.
06:51You should be proud of yourself.
06:52Take this moment,
06:53okay?
06:54Do you have any other
06:55amazing ideas,
06:56Trish?
06:57What about at the end?
06:59If there's a ball pit
07:01filled with pudding
07:02and they have to
07:04eat their way out
07:08because they're fat?
07:10I'm so sorry
07:11that you had to hear that.
07:12Shouldn't have said that,
07:13Trish.
07:14It's too much.
07:14It's too much, Trish.
07:16I mean,
07:16she said way worse than...
07:19Because I can.
07:20Because you're fat?
07:22Trish,
07:22what the...
07:23Because it is
07:24my lived experience.
07:25I have that bra extension.
07:27You don't see me
07:28pitching ideas
07:28on your tour,
07:29do you?
07:30I'm not out here
07:30going,
07:31hey guys,
07:31how about we make
07:32a TV show
07:33about an ugly,
07:34skinny, hairy bitch?
07:39Yeah, Trish.
07:39There might be
07:40something in that, boss.
07:41I think that idea
07:41has legs.
07:42Yes!
07:43Ugly, skinny, hairy legs!
07:44Write it down.
07:45Yes, yes, yes.
07:46Yes, Trish's legs.
07:48Hairy.
07:48And barren.
07:49Bitch.
07:50Barren.
07:54I guess don't mess
07:55with me in a meeting,
07:56is all I'm saying.
07:58Can we just step
07:59to a more serious side?
08:00I do want to talk
08:01to you about your health,
08:04specifically mammograms,
08:05all right?
08:05Now, ladies,
08:07we got them titties.
08:09And you know,
08:10you have to make...
08:12Like, I'm not judging them.
08:13That's not why we're here.
08:14I'm not going to get you
08:15to flop them out
08:15unless you're completely
08:16comfortable with that.
08:18No?
08:18Okay, just checking.
08:19It's worth checking.
08:20It's worth checking.
08:21Just run that past you,
08:22all right?
08:22No, men,
08:24I don't know if you know this,
08:25but men can get
08:25breast cancer too.
08:26This isn't a joke.
08:27Like, it's true.
08:28Men can get breast cancer.
08:29A lot of men
08:29don't know that.
08:30So, boys,
08:30tomorrow morning
08:31when you're in the shower,
08:32just for a split second
08:33we take your hand
08:33off your dick
08:34and just feel...
08:36Just feel
08:37that everything's
08:37all right there, okay?
08:40And you know what?
08:41While you're going
08:41to the doctor
08:42for a mammogram,
08:43why don't you get yourself
08:44a little smear?
08:44And I know
08:45that is not high
08:46on the popularity scale
08:47of things to do
08:48at the doctor's.
08:49You know,
08:49you go in
08:50and they always go,
08:51take your clothes off
08:51and put the robe on
08:52and I'll just wait
08:52outside for you.
08:53I'm like,
08:54no, stay.
08:56Why would you go out?
08:58Just stay here.
08:59Plus,
09:00I don't take my clothes
09:01off anymore.
09:01I go,
09:01no, you're all right.
09:02I'll spill my knickers
09:03to the side for you.
09:05I go,
09:06chuck it in.
09:07Trust me,
09:07it'll fit.
09:09If your doctor's
09:10not comfortable
09:10with that,
09:11then respect them.
09:12Say, hey,
09:12don't worry about it.
09:13I'll lower myself
09:14down on it.
09:20All righty,
09:21let's take a good look
09:21down there
09:22and see what's going on.
09:23You feeling okay?
09:24No, I feel like
09:24you're about to
09:25shuck my oyster.
09:26Right, well,
09:26you might feel
09:26some pressure.
09:27You just scream out
09:28if it feels too
09:28uncomfortable at any point.
09:29Okay.
09:29Okay.
09:30Well, in we go.
09:33Oh.
09:35What?
09:36What's wrong?
09:38What's interesting?
09:39What's interesting?
09:42Huh.
09:43You have,
09:44in my personal
09:45and professional experience,
09:47the smallest vagina
09:48I've ever seen.
09:49Is it?
09:50Tiny.
09:51Oh my gosh!
09:52And quite frankly,
09:53petite.
09:53That's amazing.
09:54I don't think
09:55I was going to hear that today.
09:56Can I get a second opinion
09:56on this?
09:57I'd love it.
09:58This is going to make
09:58Mark's day.
09:59Hey, Mark!
10:00This one of the books
10:01is the best I ever.
10:03Oh, whoa.
10:04The whole gang's here.
10:05I should have sold tickets
10:06to this show.
10:08It's extraordinary.
10:09I know.
10:09I've never seen anything like it.
10:11It's quite remarkable.
10:12Oh, thank you.
10:13What do you think?
10:14That is officially
10:15the smallest pussy on record.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:18Well done.
10:20Mine's huge.
10:21Yeah, no, it is.
10:21Massive.
10:22I can hear it.
10:22It sounds like the ocean.
10:24Excuse me.
10:25I've got London on the line.
10:26Hi, London.
10:28Good Lord.
10:29Thank you, London.
10:30Tell Big Ben it to know.
10:35Oh, Fisherman,
10:36what do you think?
10:36It's so small.
10:38I kiss it,
10:39throw it back.
10:40Has anyone actually measured it?
10:41It's a flawless melee.
10:43D-colour,
10:44I have clarity,
10:44but with a brilliance
10:45and sparkle beyond its weight.
10:47Wow.
10:47What do you think,
10:48designer of toys
10:49with many small moving parts?
10:51It's basically
10:51a choking hazard.
10:53You better keep
10:54Pinocchio out of there.
10:55That boy tells one lie.
10:58This is honestly
10:59the best day
10:59of my entire life.
11:01Right.
11:01Well, now let's check
11:02the anus.
11:03Oh,
11:04I don't need to do that.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:08Guys,
11:08it only looks big
11:09because it's made
11:10the Jonah so small.
11:16I like your hair like this.
11:17Thank you, Bubby.
11:18It's gorgeous work.
11:20Okay, lovebirds,
11:21welcome to your
11:22wedding cake tasting.
11:24Bon appetit.
11:25I've been waiting
11:26for this day
11:27for longer
11:28than the actual wedding date.
11:29Gosh,
11:30you know cake
11:30is my everything.
11:31Should we?
11:32Yes.
11:32Let's do it.
11:36That is to die for.
11:37The best.
11:38Oh, good.
11:38Thank you, ladies.
11:39It has been a privilege
11:41to bake
11:41for such a beautiful couple.
11:45Oh, my God.
11:46But now for my favourite part,
11:48the wedding cake toppers.
11:50Oh, that's good.
11:51I didn't sleep last night.
11:53Okay, first up,
11:54we have the lovely Lisa.
11:59Oh, my God.
12:01Oh, my God.
12:02I love it.
12:03And also,
12:04do you recognise
12:05that's your mum's wedding dress?
12:06Baby, did you do that for me?
12:08I did do that.
12:08Making this
12:09was like carving
12:10the Venus de Milo.
12:12Oh, thank you.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:14Now, your bride.
12:16I'm so nervous now.
12:17Don't be nervous.
12:18Yes, I am.
12:19We have Ursula.
12:21What is this?
12:22Why is it so heavy?
12:24It's this thing made from lead.
12:25This is hideous.
12:28This thing is a hunchback
12:29of Notre Dame.
12:30It should be living
12:30under a bridge
12:31and not be on top of a couch.
12:33Look,
12:33I think she looks beautiful.
12:35There's nothing in this
12:36that looks like me.
12:37Well,
12:37this thing's got lopsided tits.
12:39That's not me.
12:40Hey,
12:40I love your lopsided tits.
12:42Look at the butt
12:42on this thing.
12:43Kim Kardashian on this side,
12:45Paris Hilton on this side.
12:46It looks like a bulldog
12:47and a chihuahua
12:48trapped in a bag.
12:49And why is this nose this size?
12:51It's like half the face's nose.
12:52And what is this white stuff
12:54in the front here?
12:55Did a seagull shit on it
12:56before he brought it out?
12:57This is hideous.
12:58Okay, all right.
12:59Now, listen,
12:59I've never once had a complaint.
13:01Well,
13:01allow me to be the first.
13:03Now,
13:03I have made a backup.
13:04Would you like to see it?
13:05Yeah.
13:05Thanks.
13:05Okay.
13:06Fantastic.
13:07I think you're going to like this one
13:07a little bit more.
13:08Aw.
13:09What do you think of that?
13:13We think that's you.
13:16I wouldn't have thought so.
13:17It's got the hat.
13:18It's got the apron.
13:18It's even holding
13:19another little cake topper
13:21in its cake topper hand.
13:22Would you look at that?
13:24So is.
13:26Let's just see
13:27what it looks like.
13:29There.
13:32I think we can work with this.
13:34Are you trying to muscle in
13:35on my marriage?
13:37Oh,
13:37I see what's happening.
13:38You want to steal my bride?
13:39Take it.
13:40Have it.
13:41Live your lives
13:42and I will steal your cake.
13:43You can't steal something
13:44you've already bought.
13:49Oh,
13:50babe.
13:55I can see it now.
13:58Enjoy each other.
13:59We'll live.
14:05Did you guys watch
14:07the food cruise?
14:08Listen.
14:12My heart,
14:12when people say,
14:13you should do a comedy cruise,
14:14I would rather run full speed
14:16into a fucking wood chipper.
14:20Why would you risk
14:21going on a cruise
14:22when the possibility exists
14:23that a crew member
14:24will hand you a bag
14:25and go,
14:26henceforth,
14:26you'll be shitting in that?
14:29No thanks.
14:30I watched that
14:31poo cruise thing
14:32and even if you haven't
14:32watched it,
14:33you can figure it out.
14:34Poo cruise.
14:36It's like,
14:36you didn't have to watch
14:37two girls,
14:38one cup.
14:38You just know it's gross.
14:42The thing that disappointed me
14:44the most about that
14:45poo cruise documentary
14:46is the fact that
14:47no one butch lesbian
14:49took control of that ship
14:50and went,
14:50oi,
14:51no one's shitting in a bag.
14:53Okay,
14:53we're all going to be
14:54shitting over starboard.
14:57If you need to go for a ship,
14:59just hang your ass
14:59over the side of the ship.
15:01It's a little trust exercise
15:02with your partner.
15:03They will hold your hands
15:04as you're shitting
15:05over the side of the ship.
15:06And just watch your mouth.
15:07Don't be saying stuff like,
15:08you're just like your mother.
15:12One of my biggest passions
15:14in life is
15:15crime documentaries.
15:17Who loves a good crime documentary?
15:18Yes,
15:19how good.
15:19Do you hear how
15:20that's a lot of women?
15:21I think,
15:22even with me,
15:23I am slowly planning
15:24the perfect murder.
15:26I reckon I'm about
15:27this far away
15:28from nailing it.
15:29I just need to figure out
15:30a way to get my mother-in-law
15:31to my house
15:32without a paper trail
15:34to me.
15:35I'm kidding,
15:36she's dead.
15:38Just to me,
15:39she's still alive.
15:40To other people,
15:40she's dead to me.
15:48I got a job.
15:49Classic smash and grab.
15:51Ben Geist.
15:52And to pull it off,
15:53we need an elite team.
15:54It's why I brought
15:55all you here.
15:57Leo,
15:58best safe cracker
15:59in the game.
16:00I get in,
16:01I get out.
16:03Like a ninja.
16:04Like a ninja.
16:05Barker,
16:06weapons specialist.
16:08Anyone gets in my way?
16:11I get Ness,
16:12Niels,
16:14getaway driver,
16:16McCain brothers,
16:18muscle.
16:19And lastly,
16:21the brains of the operation.
16:24This is Ursula.
16:26Hello boys.
16:27How's it going?
16:28Who the hell is this?
16:29I've never heard of no Ursula.
16:31Oh,
16:31I'm the mastermind of the operation.
16:33Popcorn anyone?
16:34What makes you think
16:35you're the mastermind?
16:36Simple.
16:36I've watched
16:37every single
16:38true crime documentary
16:39ever made.
16:40So I know how to get away
16:41with every crime.
16:42Bullshit,
16:43you can't have seen them all.
16:44I mean,
16:44there's far too many.
16:45Mate,
16:46I'm a stay-at-home mum.
16:47I watch it while I'm doing my chores.
16:49Tell them what you know Urs.
16:50I know how to rob banks
16:51and boost diamonds
16:52and swindle women on Tinder.
16:55I know how to lead cults
16:56and run pyramid schemes
16:57and kill people on staircases,
16:59you name it.
16:59I had a consult
17:00on the London job.
17:02Didn't those guys get caught?
17:03Yeah,
17:03but they wouldn't have
17:04if they'd used their left hands
17:05to write the ransom note.
17:06Got that one from the jinx.
17:08It's my favourite.
17:09Ursula knows everything
17:10that's going to happen
17:11before it even happens.
17:13That's right.
17:14Now prove it.
17:15Easy.
17:15Usually on a hoist like this,
17:17the day before,
17:18one of the members
17:18just up and leave
17:19without explanation.
17:20You know what?
17:20The hell with this.
17:21I'm out of here.
17:23Told ya.
17:24And then someone in the team
17:25will just turn up dead.
17:29And the murderer
17:30is usually someone
17:30you would least expect,
17:31like a male family member.
17:33It was him.
17:37God, she's good.
17:38Good?
17:39We just lost three of our men.
17:41Who's going to be our muscle?
17:42Who's going to drive us?
17:43Bigger worry.
17:44Who's the rat?
17:45Rats.
17:46Good rats.
17:47Well, on a tight group like this,
17:48one of you is normally a narc
17:50and in this group,
17:50I'm going to say...
17:57It's you.
17:58What?
17:58Marker!
17:59The saying isn't so!
18:00I don't know what she's talking about.
18:01Look at her.
18:03Hey!
18:04He's a cop!
18:05What?
18:05Really?
18:06I don't know what it looks like.
18:18Cut is blown.
18:20Send backup.
18:21Really, Parker?
18:22How could you?
18:23I'm sorry.
18:27I knew that was going to happen.
18:29Right, so I've killed a cop.
18:30Any of you boys?
18:31Well, try not to leave any DNA at the scene.
18:33Whatever you do,
18:34do not go on a true crime docker
18:36and accidentally confess.
18:37So embarrassing.
18:37Thanks, Urs.
18:38You're the best.
18:39Got you, babe.
18:41What are you doing, Leo?
18:42Parker was my friend
18:44and my lover.
18:45Oh, yeah, I forgot to say.
18:46Usually I'm one of these things.
18:48Someone always falls in love.
18:49What?
18:50Didn't you say something?
18:51Are you kidding?
18:52This is the best part.
18:54Did you come down, Leo?
18:55Put the gun down, big dang.
19:02Oh, my gosh.
19:06Best crime and wine night ever.
19:08It's pretty exciting.
19:10God, I could kill for a finger bang.
19:11I tell you what,
19:12one of these boys is still alive.
19:13It'll be a whole different night.
19:18All right, well, I guess
19:20what we can take away from this
19:21is make sure you get your checkups.
19:23Go to the doctor.
19:24Go talk to your doctor,
19:25but also make sure it's not a creepy doctor
19:27that'll bring 40 people in
19:28to look at your clacker.
19:30But I must go now
19:31because I have to hop on a cruise
19:32so I can go join Fat Fuck Island.
19:35You guys have been absolutely amazing.
19:37Good night.
19:41One second.
19:42Get in the car.
19:43Yes, get in the car.
19:44It's freaking fun.
19:46Just one second.
19:47Yeah, mate.
19:48Here we go.
19:49This is progress.
19:50This is the slowest
19:51I've ever seen anyone.
19:54Is he going to thank me for that?
19:55Where's my wife?
19:57And there it is.
19:58He's waving.
19:58No, that was a hand on a mirror.
20:02What kind of animal raised you
20:04that you don't give a wave?
20:05Do you know the danger
20:06you've put us in
20:06now that I have to
20:07aggressively overtake you
20:08just to flip you off?
20:09Wave!
20:10I'm going to get out of this car,
20:11rip your head off
20:12and shit down your lungs.
20:13Stick your hand in the air!
20:15Oops!
20:16No, no, you're all right,
20:18no, you're all right.
20:19Oh, he's lovely.
20:26Holy hell, look at you!
20:28Oh, it's very lesbian central in here.
20:32Look at all the lesbians in this room!
20:34Holy shit!
20:35I mean, I know there's other people too,
20:37but you know.
20:38No, no, no.
20:39Welcome to the straight people.
20:40I'm an ally.
20:41Make some noise if you're heterosexual.
20:44Yeah!
20:44Oh, put your hand down.
20:46I'm an ally.
20:47Oh, Manila, I am with you guys.
20:49Both my parents are straight,
20:50so I feel you're in my heart, okay?
20:54Listen, it's tough for us too, okay?
20:56We have to do our own research
20:57and I want you to know
20:58when I came out of the closet,
20:59I was 26 years old.
21:01This was back when Jesus was a boy.
21:03And back then, there were two.
21:06There were the gays who were the guys
21:08and then there were the lesbians
21:10who were us.
21:12And we had no work for each other.
21:14We never talked.
21:15We kept to ourselves
21:16and then one day,
21:17the gays came up to us
21:18and they went,
21:19hey, lesbians.
21:20And we went, what?
21:24And we took off our tool bells.
21:28And then the gays said to the lesbians,
21:29hey, lesbians, look at that.
21:32And we're like, what is that?
21:33And the gays went,
21:34those are bi's.
21:36And we went, bi what?
21:37Bi now, gay later.
21:40And you know what we did?
21:41Because we didn't understand
21:42what they were.
21:43We didn't understand
21:44what bisexuality was.
21:45So we went over to them
21:46and we go,
21:47so who do you guys do?
21:50And they explained it to us
21:52and we're like,
21:52all right, come on,
21:54let's start an alphabet.
21:56This is a very soft trigger for people.
21:58People are like,
21:59you know,
21:59I don't understand the alphabet,
22:01you know,
22:01the alphabet mafia.
22:03The alphabet mafia.
22:04You guys are taking
22:05the whole alphabet.
22:06I go, yeah, bitch,
22:06we're coming for the numbers next.
22:08Actually, I just found out
22:09there's a number in there now.
22:11There's two.
22:11There's a number two in there.
22:13I'm as surprised as you are
22:14whenever I see her.
22:15I go, holy shit,
22:17holy, what?
22:19Why are all those letters there?
22:21Like,
22:22I'm out of breath
22:23at the end of it
22:24and I have to think about it.
22:25I'm LGBTQIA plus two.
22:34Does your husband
22:35never get around
22:36to fixing that crooked shelf?
22:38Is your house falling apart?
22:40Because he never fixes
22:41what he says he'll fix.
22:42Yes.
22:44You need to hire a Les.
22:47That's me as an animation.
22:49Hi, I'm Lesley Beyond,
22:51CEO of Hire a Les,
22:52the largest and fastest growing
22:54all-female home maintenance company
22:55in the world.
22:56We're also the only one.
22:58Let's face it,
22:58your husband is terrible at DIY
23:00and he will get lost
23:01in your Bermuda Triangle.
23:03But not our highly trained
23:05Lesbitarians.
23:06They're great at both of those things.
23:09Our services include,
23:10but I'm not limited to
23:11hinge repair,
23:12men's repair,
23:12painting,
23:13installing smoke detectors,
23:14fingering,
23:14repairing,
23:14drywall,
23:15fixing,
23:15baking,
23:16plumbing,
23:16hammering,
23:17and slowdown swaying
23:17to constant craving
23:18by Katie Lang.
23:19But don't just take my word for it.
23:21Listen to all these
23:22satisfied customers.
23:24She was thorough.
23:25Very thorough.
23:26Oh my God.
23:27Oh my God.
23:28So thorough.
23:32Hire a lesbian ruined my life.
23:35House looks great though.
23:38Hire a Liz today.
23:40Satisfaction guarantee.
23:42Ernie.
23:44Can I come back in?
23:45Are you guys watching the cricket?
23:48What's the score?
23:49She was a regular woman.
23:51Delta life altering diagnosis.
23:53You've contracted early onset Karen.
23:56This is the life of a Karen.
23:59Our Karen now finds herself here.
24:02The Karen Clinic.
24:04This is perfect for you.
24:06Is it?
24:06Yeah,
24:07they've got Fox News running all day.
24:08It is freezing in here.
24:10Well,
24:11hello ladies.
24:12Welcome to the Karen Clinic.
24:13How can I help you today?
24:14I'd like you to explain what's colder than which is Ted in here.
24:17It's my auntie.
24:18She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen.
24:20I understand.
24:21We have a lot of ladies like her here.
24:23The doctor says it's terminal and I really want to take care of her myself.
24:26It's just been really hard.
24:27You're doing a fantastic job.
24:29Well done.
24:29It's not easy.
24:30Hi,
24:31I'm Dr. Madison Emerson Addison.
24:33What a horrible name.
24:35Poor bitch.
24:35How do you feel about a little look around?
24:38What we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karens.
24:42It's why we built this amazing state-of-the-art facility.
24:44So these middle-aged white women have somewhere to go to complain and argue and just be angry.
24:50Free range.
24:51Hey,
24:52why are you so loud?
24:53You're causing noise pollution.
24:55Sorry,
24:55this is frightful woman.
24:56I'm going to phone the council.
24:57This is nonsense.
24:58Yeah,
24:58I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle.
25:01I'm filming you.
25:02I'm watching you.
25:03This is going on the internet.
25:04I have to get off the phone.
25:05I need to record something.
25:06Don't worry about it.
25:07We have expert staff that intercept every call on the property.
25:11This is our telephone interception reception where we take all of our calls.
25:15These guys will role play any complaint line from local council to police to the shopping
25:20centre.
25:21Hello,
25:21this is your husband speaking.
25:24I'm an asshole.
25:25Tell me more.
25:26This is incredible.
25:27What do you think?
25:28Listen,
25:29I found your secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage,
25:31you filthy truffle pig.
25:32Yes,
25:33I am a truffle pig.
25:34I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet.
25:35I know it's good for your host.
25:36I'll get a salad next time.
25:38You're just like your father.
25:40She's doing really well.
25:41What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.
25:46All right.
25:48Everybody ready?
25:50A young person, on a bike, on the grass.
25:53How does this make you feel?
25:54I'm fine.
25:57A jeep parking too close to your RAV4.
26:02No.
26:03No.
26:04Big.
26:05Deal.
26:08Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her tussies hanging out.
26:12Oh.
26:13Cut.
26:15It's a family event.
26:16Put some clothes on.
26:17We can sewage out for breakfast.
26:18That is inappropriate.
26:19Okay.
26:20That is inappropriate.
26:21Tets,
26:21no one else is dressed like that.
26:22The mum's got...
26:23It's Christmas.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:25You can see her breasts.
26:26That is inappropriate.
26:27Warning.
26:27Ha!
26:29Not again.
26:30It's inappropriate.
26:30No, no, no.
26:31In with the breasts.
26:34Out with needing to see the manager.
26:40I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go.
26:42Like, what if she hates it here?
26:44Well, then she'll complain.
26:45That should really cheer her up.
26:47Look.
26:48She's already settling in.
26:50Thank you, Doctor.
26:52Of course.
26:58Do you know what I find fascinating?
26:59The female form.
27:01The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it?
27:04And I think when you talk to men,
27:05it just really brings home how little you fucking know about stuff.
27:09I talk to my brother and some of my male friends.
27:12Very little.
27:12But I do.
27:13And I say to them,
27:14what do you know about the female form?
27:16And they go,
27:16it can grow a baby.
27:18And it gets very aggressive.
27:21When it gets its period.
27:23I've got news for you, boys.
27:25Wait till it stops.
27:28You might get five minutes a day of clarity.
27:31And the rest of the time is fuck you time.
27:35Okay.
27:35But at least science is on board.
27:38And they've provided us with HRT patches.
27:40Are you familiar with HRT patches?
27:42Yes.
27:43So you get this little patch.
27:44And it's got estrogen.
27:45You put it on you.
27:45And then when someone comes up to you
27:47and they say some unnecessary shit,
27:48or they look at you,
27:50or, you know,
27:51they breathe.
27:53And then that patch goes,
27:54oh no, she needs estrogen.
27:56Give it to her now.
27:57Sometimes it's not enough
27:59and you have to rip it off
27:59and chew it a bit.
28:02But then we're at the nightmare
28:04where globally there was an HRT shortage last year
28:08where we could not get the patches.
28:10Only women my age and up
28:11knew how many times a day
28:13your life was in danger.
28:16I go to my doctor,
28:17I go,
28:17do we have patches yet?
28:18Is it back?
28:20And she goes,
28:21no,
28:21but I do have Viagra.
28:25Wouldn't you take Viagra
28:26if Viagra couldn't tell the difference
28:28between a penis and a breast?
28:30Wouldn't you?
28:31If you go,
28:32you know what,
28:32I'm going out on Saturday,
28:33I don't want to wear a bra.
28:36And then you pop two Viagras
28:38and both your tears are...
28:40Yeah, of course,
28:41once you're over the age of 50,
28:42you walk into a room
28:43like you're in a zombie film.
28:56Morning, Detective.
28:58So,
28:59I hate you've got yourself a new partner.
29:00Yeah,
29:01some hotshot from the city,
29:02Detective Beeks or something.
29:03The Detective Beeks?
29:05She brought down the media's cartel.
29:07They say she's brilliant,
29:08but unconventional.
29:10Much like those guys.
29:11That's the truth.
29:12Move, nutsack!
29:12Shit, sorry.
29:13You must be Detective Beeks.
29:15And you must be in my way.
29:21I'm giving you batteries,
29:22my neck fan,
29:22I'm melting over here.
29:23You're sweating.
29:24It's like three degrees Celsius.
29:26Yeah, it's a scorcher today.
29:27Sisters are male.
29:28Thank Christ.
29:2932 years old,
29:30time of death 11.30pm last night.
29:32Looks to be deaf by a sharp object.
29:34I'll be that axe.
29:38Well, well, well,
29:39the only thing sharper than this axe
29:40is you, Detective.
29:41Obvious.
29:42Must have been top of your class
29:43at police college, eh?
29:45Hmm, washing shoulder.
29:47That's weird.
29:49Typical.
29:50At this stage,
29:50motive remains unclear.
29:52Is it?
29:53You got a theory?
29:54Yeah.
29:55I have one or two.
29:56Maybe the victim
29:57was really fucking annoying
29:58and just kept droning on
30:00and on and on.
30:01It's hardly a motive for murder.
30:03Oh, it is.
30:03It just doesn't make any sense.
30:05Look, I know it must be
30:05hard to multitask,
30:06what with breathing,
30:07blinking and keeping your mouth shut,
30:08but there was clearly a struggle
30:09and with another man.
30:11You can't have that.
30:11There's no DNA evidence.
30:12Oh, there's DNA evidence.
30:14Look at this.
30:14A whole pile of washing
30:15folded but not packed away.
30:17Only a man would get this
30:18deep into a task
30:18and not complete.
30:19The towel on the door.
30:20This is not where it goes.
30:21It's supposed to be in the bathroom.
30:23Only a man would hang in here
30:24and go,
30:24this is helpful.
30:25My God.
30:27You smell that?
30:29Oh, yeah.
30:30Fresh skid marks,
30:31just as I suspected.
30:32Someone's had a poop
30:33and didn't use the brush
30:33and then they just
30:34put the fan on
30:35and didn't spray.
30:36You need to spray.
30:37If you don't spray,
30:38you can literally
30:39taste the shit
30:40in this bathroom.
30:41Classic male behavior.
30:43Wow.
30:43Stop breathing.
30:45Can you hear that?
30:46Someone's breathing like a fog
30:47and it's getting on my tits
30:48so bad.
30:50The killer's still here.
30:52They can't be.
30:52We searched the whole house.
30:53There's no one here.
30:59There he is.
31:00Come and get him, boys.
31:01Let me guess.
31:02You had a bit of a man look.
31:06Now it's beautiful to watch.
31:07I bet you like to watch.
31:09Maybe.
31:10Want to go for a drink sometime?
31:12Me and you?
31:12Yeah.
31:13Uh, no thanks.
31:15As soon as you asked me,
31:16my vagina's just went...
31:22My God, she's good.
31:28Optimize your life!
31:30Hello, everyone,
31:30and welcome back
31:31to Optimize Your Life.
31:32Now, last episode,
31:33I was lucky enough
31:34to interview the author
31:35of The Let Them Theory.
31:37Incredible interview.
31:37Check it out
31:38if you haven't already.
31:39But that book
31:40has already sparked
31:40a new wave
31:41of self-help books.
31:42And my next guest
31:43is the latest to jump
31:44on that craze,
31:45Isila Carlson.
31:46Am I saying that right,
31:47Carlson?
31:47Yeah.
31:48Welcome to the show.
31:48Thank you so much
31:49for sharing space with me
31:50and giving us
31:51some of your wisdom.
31:53Can I just say that I think
31:55self-help books are bullshit.
31:56Sorry, you can just sit back
31:57from the mic.
31:58You can just sit naturally
31:59like that and it picks it up.
32:00So your book was inspired
32:01by The Let Them Theory,
32:02wasn't it?
32:03If by inspired,
32:04you mean hated every moment of it.
32:06Yeah.
32:06Okay.
32:07Can you speak to that?
32:09I'm saying
32:10The Let Them Theory
32:11is putting a bitch back
32:13by about 90 years.
32:14Because we've been training
32:15these junior bitches up
32:16saying,
32:17hey,
32:18stand up for yourself.
32:19Now this book goes,
32:20no,
32:20someone's mean to you,
32:21let them.
32:22Your kids are out of control,
32:23let them.
32:24At work,
32:24they're being suck asses,
32:26let them,
32:26let them,
32:26let them,
32:27let them.
32:27I'm not about that life.
32:28Wow.
32:29Fascinating.
32:30Fascinating.
32:30Now tell us about your book.
32:31What is it called?
32:32My book is called
32:33Headbutt,
32:34A Motherfucker in the Mouth.
32:36Yeah.
32:36Okay.
32:37There is an evocative title,
32:38isn't it?
32:38And let is not in there.
32:40No, it's not.
32:40Wow.
32:41Can I have a little hold of that?
32:43There she is.
32:44Break down the theory for us.
32:45How does it work?
32:46Well,
32:47it's quite simple.
32:47You're out,
32:48you identify a mofo in the wild
32:51and you headbutt them
32:51right in their stupid mouth.
32:53So give me some examples then
32:54of how I could implement
32:55the H-A-M-F-I-T-M theory
32:58in my day-to-day life.
32:59You're in a coffee shop.
33:00The person in front of you
33:01takes ages to order.
33:02There's a cube behind.
33:03Okay.
33:03Right?
33:04So now you've identified them
33:05as a mofo.
33:06Just pull your head right back
33:08and you headbutt them
33:09straight in their mouth.
33:10Wow.
33:10You know,
33:10it's provocative,
33:12but yet very simple.
33:13This must have taken you
33:14quite a long time to write.
33:15Yeah,
33:16a better part of three hours.
33:17Three hours.
33:17A day.
33:18I mean,
33:18no,
33:19three hours.
33:20I mean,
33:21there's 182 pages of photos.
33:23Oh,
33:23so there is.
33:24Just of all the motherfuckers
33:24that I've headbutted in the mouth.
33:26Can we break down this moment here?
33:28Oh,
33:28that's Crystal.
33:29That's my neighbor,
33:29Crystal and her dog,
33:30Otto.
33:31Oh.
33:31I had to headbutt her in the mouth
33:32because she kept putting
33:33shitty nappies in my bin.
33:35And I think the thing
33:36that made me so angry
33:37is she doesn't have a kid.
33:38Now,
33:39Izala,
33:39I obviously didn't want to
33:40have to bring this up,
33:41but you will be aware,
33:42obviously,
33:42that the London-based writer,
33:44Harriet Twipple,
33:44has made claims
33:45that you have stolen her idea
33:47from her book,
33:48Flick a Bitch on the Tits.
33:51Do you want to respond to that?
33:52No,
33:52I don't
33:53because I clearly didn't.
33:54One is about flicking tits,
33:55so it's not the same.
33:57Okay.
33:57So you deny that you were inspired.
33:59You and Harriet
34:00can eat my arsehole.
34:01Well,
34:01I'm just starting to feel
34:02a lot of aggression coming my way,
34:03so I'm just going to wrap us up.
34:05It's been another fascinating episode
34:06of Optimize Your Life.
34:08Can I just have my book back?
34:09You can have your book back.
34:10Oh,
34:10I'm gone.
34:11Oh,
34:13oh,
34:13oh,
34:15oh,
34:15oh,
34:16Optimize Your Life.
34:19I don't know
34:19how to tell you guys
34:20this why I'm single now.
34:22I know,
34:22I know,
34:23I know,
34:23I know.
34:24Some of you
34:25would have been following me
34:26for a while and go,
34:26I thought you was married.
34:29I was,
34:30but I found a way out.
34:34Turns out,
34:34it's not a hostage situation.
34:36You can leave.
34:37It costs slightly more
34:39than the wedding,
34:41but fuck,
34:41is it worth it?
34:42Well,
34:43you know what?
34:43Because we're lesbians,
34:44so we're still best friends.
34:45Right?
34:46We actually still lived together
34:47for a few years
34:48and then we finally got divorced
34:49and I did repartner,
34:50but I had to break up with her
34:53because you know what?
34:54She's one of those people
34:55who like to shower together
34:57and I don't like that.
34:59I don't like that at all.
35:01I'll tell you what,
35:02apart from the fact
35:03that you don't wash your asshole
35:04the way you're supposed to
35:05when you're in the shower
35:05with someone.
35:06Well,
35:07you don't.
35:07You're in there with someone
35:08and you just take
35:08half a squirt of a shower.
35:09That's it.
35:10And that's it.
35:11When you're in there by yourself.
35:16You've got to wash
35:17that thing properly.
35:18Goes through a lot of shit.
35:21But also,
35:22I didn't want to be with her anymore
35:23because of the shower thing
35:24because I've got a little
35:25corner shower,
35:26you know,
35:26one of those little
35:26triangular ones
35:27with the curved doors
35:28that when you open it,
35:29it only opens that wide.
35:30I need a run-up
35:31and a parade
35:32to get into that shower
35:33in the first place
35:34and it's got a dome on it
35:35to keep the moisture in
35:36because if you don't,
35:37I live in Auckland,
35:38you can hear your clothes
35:39moulding in the covers.
35:40I'm like,
35:40no.
35:42And I was there
35:42the day the guy
35:43put it in.
35:44It said shower
35:45for one person.
35:46So we're already
35:47breaking the rules
35:48with the two of us
35:48being in there
35:49and it wouldn't be so bad
35:51but she's one of those
35:52annoying adults
35:53who like to wash her feet
35:54and you don't need
35:55to wash your feet.
35:56You're an adult.
35:57What are you,
35:57running barefoot
35:58through the paddock?
35:59You're fine.
36:00Just squirt a bit of shower
36:01jam on the one foot
36:01and the other foot
36:02can do that and that.
36:04But no,
36:05she's up there
36:05lathering up her face
36:06and goes,
36:07really?
36:07So how was your day?
36:09Oh,
36:09so you enjoy that?
36:11Guess what's happening
36:12with me while she's
36:13doing that?
36:15I'm plastered
36:16against that curved door
36:18and because it's curved
36:19the one tit is up here
36:21and the other tit
36:22is down here
36:22and my possum
36:23is trying to escape
36:24through the crack
36:25in the door.
36:27You know what's
36:28my biggest worry?
36:29Because I have children
36:29so you know
36:30one of them's going
36:31to come in
36:31and ask me something stupid
36:33like,
36:33do bunnies have knees?
36:35And then they see me
36:36and they're,
36:36ah!
36:39I can't believe
36:39you're 49.
36:40How was your
36:41birthday?
36:41No,
36:41I told you
36:42I had the best
36:43birthday ever.
36:44And you cheeky prezzies?
36:45The best!
36:46I got the best prezzies
36:47and then I got this invite
36:48to what I assume
36:50is an orgy,
36:51I can't really put my finger
36:52on it,
36:52in a church or something?
36:53Oh,
36:53you saucy mix!
36:55Tell you what,
36:55they say 49.
36:56I say 45.
36:58We are here today
36:59to ruin the loss
37:00of Ursula Castle's
37:01cougar years.
37:02What the hell?
37:03This looks like
37:04a terrible orgy.
37:05I've been coerced.
37:07Please.
37:08Like so many
37:09horny women before her,
37:11Ursula became a cougar
37:12on her 40th birthday
37:13when she entered
37:14her sexual prime.
37:16But today,
37:16on her 49th birthday,
37:17that cougar
37:18is officially deceased
37:19and she's now
37:20just some
37:21invisible middle-aged
37:22lady taking up space
37:23in a post office machine.
37:26Let's hear
37:26from some loved ones.
37:29Hi, I'm Jill.
37:30I walked up with Ursula
37:31last year.
37:32I'm really glad
37:33I got in just in time,
37:34right before she passed
37:35over to the other side
37:37of middle age.
37:39And I should have
37:39seen the signs.
37:40Because right after
37:41we did it,
37:43she offered me
37:43a boiled sweet.
37:44I'm sorry,
37:44I can't.
37:45Because I was
37:45seething on your throat.
37:47Hey,
37:48I don't think we need
37:48to listen to anyone else.
37:50I've always found
37:50Ursula very sexy.
37:52I know,
37:52let's hear this one out.
37:53I'd see her walking
37:54down the street sometimes
37:55and as much as
37:56I hate to see her go,
37:58I love to watch her leave.
38:00You know what I mean?
38:01Yeah.
38:02But now she's
38:03a 49-year-old crone.
38:04Now when I see her
38:05walking down the street,
38:06I just worry.
38:07She's gonna have a fall.
38:08I'm not gonna have a fall.
38:09I'm still spry as hell.
38:13I mean,
38:14fuck you,
38:15but thank you.
38:16Join us now
38:16as we farewell
38:17Ursula's sexy underwear.
38:21Hey,
38:21that one actually still fits.
38:23My favourite nipple rings.
38:25My mum left me
38:26those in her will.
38:26And now the ceremonial transition
38:28to more age-appropriate
38:29undergarments.
38:30Nomine patria
38:31lingerie
38:32circus.
38:33Ursula's a parachute.
38:34Why do they already
38:35smell like potpourri?
38:37Hey,
38:38guys,
38:3949,
38:40but I'm still hot.
38:41Hot flashes don't count.
38:42I'm a swinger.
38:43Yeah,
38:44a mood swinger.
38:44No,
38:45I'm still adventurous.
38:46Like eating dinner
38:47after 5pm.
38:48Hey,
38:49zip your slit.
38:49What I'm saying is
38:50I'm still a cougar
38:51and I'll prove it.
38:52I will shag
38:53any one of you
38:54right now,
38:55right here
38:55who wants some of it.
38:56Come on,
38:56here.
38:57How about you?
38:58Hang out.
38:59How about you,
39:00Father?
39:00You wanna,
39:00it must be lonely
39:01in that monastery.
39:02It's so sad.
39:03I just wanna let go.
39:05Ashes to ashes,
39:06dust to dust,
39:07perky boobs
39:07to saggy dust.
39:09We will remember her.
39:10Okay,
39:11so now that I turn 49,
39:12none of you wanna do me anymore?
39:13Oh,
39:14no,
39:14no,
39:15honey,
39:15that's just the end
39:16of your cougar years.
39:17You've got a much more
39:18exciting era ahead of you.
39:20What's that?
39:21Welcome,
39:22Ursula Carlson,
39:22to your
39:24gilf era.
39:26Gilf,
39:26eh?
39:26Mm-hmm.
39:27And who are these?
39:29Ready cases.
39:30I can work with that,
39:32ladies.
39:34Ow.
39:36Anyway,
39:36since we've started filming this,
39:38I just got some word
39:39that the LGBTQIA,
39:41we've added three letters
39:42in this 27 minutes
39:44and an exclamation mark.
39:46And the exclamation mark
39:47is just for people
39:48who are sick of everyone's shit.
39:50So if you identify
39:51as an exclamation mark,
39:52there we go,
39:53we've got a brand new member
39:54in the front here.
39:54We'll add you to the email group.
39:56Thank you,
39:57you have been amazing.
39:58Good night.
39:59You are looking good.
40:02Feeling it?
40:03Well,
40:03hello.
40:04Got a little hair on your shirt
40:05I just cracked up.
40:12Oh,
40:12my
40:13God.
40:14That's no stray.
40:15That sucker's attached
40:16to my tit.
40:17It's breached the shirt.
40:19That is amazing
40:20and disgusting.
40:22Why is it so long?
40:23Well,
40:24we're going to need
40:24more than those spaghetti arms,
40:25sweetie.
40:26Just pluck it.
40:28Just pluck it.
40:29Can I get a hand?
40:42Oh,
40:46let's go.
40:46I've got another one.
40:54oh stop it how are you
41:01yes i am can i just say how impressed i am with us as a people that this year has
41:09been the year
41:09of the tit like it has been such a strong year for tits like i have signed more boobs this
41:14year
41:14than i have any other time in my entire career and some of them were even on women
41:21thank you jesus that i'm a lesbian that i can enjoy these little delights in life
41:26am i and that's not the only reason that i'm so happy that i'm a lesbian and into woman because
41:30you know i look at straight people and i go you poor bastards you have no idea they couples that
41:36makes sense to me you're on even par but these couple what is you poor bastards like because
41:42men aren't ready you know women our natural talent is to argue that is our gift that jesus gave us
41:47he gave us a memory and a fucking storage tank that can hold all this shit your partner has ever
41:54done
41:55we even take notes when his mom goes you know he used to be real naughty as a boy he
41:58goes save that
42:00i can pull that back up later but men you're just not equipped like i see when i see straight
42:05couples
42:06fight it's like you know when you see a little boy like a four-year-old race his dad dad
42:10usually at
42:11the end just go and beats him and the boy's devastated yeah that's straight couples you
42:17think you can call some shit out oh you saw her coffee cup in the lounge and anything uh don't
42:21worry i've taken your cup to the kitchen for you
42:26you want to talk about the cup in the lounge because i've been meaning to talk to you
42:32about the giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink after you've brushed your teeth that's why
42:38she doesn't kiss you anymore you know when you get to a part in your relationship you go
42:42we're never pash anymore remember how we used to
42:46why don't we ever do that anymore it's like this motherfucker i don't know how you brush your teeth
42:54great dinner babe well it was teamwork butter chicken
43:01did you rinse that huh did you rinse that did you see me rinse it you know you're supposed to
43:06rinse it before you put in the dishwasher otherwise you're gonna clog the dish valve i've told you this
43:09don't snap at me well i've told you this like a dozen times but you never listen
43:13what do you think happens it just magically washes itself i mean how hard is it to rinse plates
43:18i want to argue with you timothy yeah well i do abigail i need you to know that women take
43:24arguing
43:25very very seriously so i need you to ask yourself are you ready to argue with a woman yeah okay
43:37wait what's what's that timothy you had your chance to pull out and you didn't 2019 2015
43:44here we go christmas day 2012 you had a good old look at my sister's tits while she was cutting
43:52up
43:52food how is that relevant no i didn't yeah you did she was wearing a loose linen top and as
43:57she
43:57leaned forward it presented an opportunity and you stared directly and her ample bosom i might have
44:04glanced let's go to the take shall we look at that direct i've never seen you that focus in your
44:15entire life i was just looking at the sourdough like her slicing technique all this it was it's
44:20fascinating oh that's interesting let's have a look at this same year new year's eve 11 43 p.m
44:26you were overheard talking to our neighbor james about my sister's tits wouldn't the court stenographer
44:32please read those comments back to us james can you pass me one of those cans of beer timothy
44:39sure can hey speaking of cans you know who's got some really great cans all right that's inadmissible
44:43the court would like to call witness 13c to the stand please talk us through what you witnessed did
44:50you see anyone making any gestures with their hands on the night i believe it was something like
44:55honk honk oh and is the person who went honk honk and caught here today with us yes it was
45:03him
45:04all right you win i'm sorry i give up no more questions your honor i find the defendant guilty
45:08on three counts of dead shittery and all counts of being a perk thank you your honor this is fun
45:16we should cook together more often i love it oh you should call a plumber that valve's gonna be
45:24super clogged it's this one it's recycling we've been through this no no no daylight savings the
45:35contents of the bin changed what where did you read that oh here she is it's hyra les perfect
45:40hello there thanks for coming hire a lesbian hi call me leslie i'm your friendly neighborhood
45:47hire a les consultant trust me to do the jobs your hopeless husband can't i'm glad you're here
45:52my ears are starting to ring after all the nagging yep yep yep this one how about you leave all
45:57the
45:57joking to me pal hey and everything else so what i'm going to do i'm going to start off by
46:02mowing your
46:03lawn now i'm going to cut your grass wonderful and then i'm going to clean out your chimney get
46:08all those cobwebs right out yeah so she's ready to burn do you know what i mean
46:16he doesn't know i take a lot of time but a good time a thorough time yeah that could be
46:21good
46:22right honey yeah i could be into that don't know why you do that
46:31it's good to get the meals that just seems inefficient impressive yeah we love this i love
46:38this would you like some tea what would you like some tea no i don't like you i'm gonna get
46:44you some
46:47tea yes there she goes hammering away good on her how do you take your tea
46:53harder harder harder don't know what that means do you take milk yes yes yes okay heard you the first
46:59time yes yes yes it's going in so deep oh my god what's going on in here oh some people
47:07call it
47:08carpentry they call it foreplay foreplay i know about foreplay from the hardware store 1200 long
47:14with a laminated back foreplay he don't bother he doesn't get it he never has okay i'll uh just
47:21leave this here yeah just leave them door open or closed open we don't care bye bye bye bye
47:27where were we okay so you wanna you wanna go in real deep but slow and steady but keep your
47:33pace
47:34all i'm gonna say is the only thing that we should take from men your toilets we're gonna take the
47:40toilets because even right now as you're sitting here the women are already starting to stress
47:44because they need to go to the toilet and you know we have to line up to use the toilet
47:47like we're farm
47:48animals and i'm like why are we struggling we need to take the men's toilets we need to take it
47:54off
47:54them you boys can just piss in the street like you do anyway there's not one person in here who's
47:59not stumbled down an alleyway and saw some random two o'clock in the morning dick right you guys can
48:05just go piss down a drain or piss in a bottle or piss in anything you can literally piss in
48:08anything
48:08we know you can't do it in the toilets flatter free so what we're gonna do is we will take
48:15your
48:15toilets and ladies i'm putting a urinal in for us like like a trough because of course it's the only
48:21way we can do it we can't be standing against the wall so we go in and you just kind
48:25of climb over
48:26that thing i mean obviously we all have to face the same way you can't get one over eager lesbian
48:35coming in going don't mind if i do no leslie no but guys you got to help a bitch out
48:42because you
48:43know we go through a lot when we have to line up that's why women are always closer than men
48:47we're
48:47easier to talk to each other because we practice when we're standing in the queue to use the toilet
48:51because we're all standing there waiting for our turn to hold the door we just shuffle on little
48:58bits by little bits when our tits are touching her back because you got to keep it tight and all
49:03the
49:03men are just and that is why we need our own urinals and we are coming to take them from
49:09you
49:31how long have you guys been waiting i don't remember
49:39oh that's some bullshit
49:45hey what what's it like in that is there soap what's the toilet paper like it's it's one ply
49:52and there's only two cubicles for all of us oh it's not fair no no this can't be my molars
49:59are
49:59floating in my head i need to piss right now my tenor is to the brim this is bullshit
50:07why must we be treated like second class citizens we are human too we deserve to piss freely like the
50:13men do if you cut us do we not bleed if we are busting do we not piss i piss
50:17i don't know about
50:18you ladies but i can't stand idly by while men can just go toilet wherever and whenever their tiny
50:24little dicks want to go hell yeah they don't have to queue they don't have to wipe they don't even
50:29wash their hands they don't even really need a toilet they can piss wherever they like i've seen
50:33a guy piss in a coke bottle i've seen a guy piss out of a window have you ever pissed
50:36out of a window
50:36no because you're not a goddamn animal what can we do we can fight back that's what we're going to
50:41do we're going to take their toilets from them women pissing in the men's room i've heard about
50:45girls who do that but i always thought it was just a myth if they want us to work like
50:50men
50:50and repress our feelings like men then by god we shall piss like men out of the trenches and into
50:56the trough out of the trenches and into the trough out of the trenches and into the trough out of
51:01the trenches and into the trough out of the trenches and into the trough
51:02yeah
51:28You made a murder board of all the possible suspects
51:31Ah, this is my wish I could murder board
51:33Murder board for the cases over there
51:36Getting into the mind of a killer
51:38Brilliant
51:40I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer
51:43I understand the desire to kill on such a deep cellular level
51:48That it scares the shit out of me
51:50And it should make your piss run the ice cold
51:56There's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board
52:00What did they all do that was so bad?
52:02This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic
52:05This guy here, three and a half minutes of a monologue at a dinner party
52:09Drove me nuts
52:10This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket
52:12And he was just doing this weird little dancing
52:15Like that, like that
52:16And every time he did that, he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the queue
52:20And I had to gently remind him by ramming his ankles on my fucking trolley
52:23So frustrating
52:25Yes, that's pretty bad
52:26Bad?
52:27It's evil
52:28I would kill them if it wasn't illegal
52:30Or if I knew I could get away with it
52:34Wait
52:36Is that a photo of me?
52:41Thank you, Detective?
52:42Thanks
52:42Did you follow that affidavit I gave you this morning?
52:44I know, I've been quite busy out on the front desk
52:46I'm losing the will to live
52:47It was a yes or no question
52:49No
52:51In that case
53:00I can't sort that out now
53:03Do you think that was a bit harsh?
53:04Maybe you'd need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down
53:08Calm down?
53:09Mate
53:10I'm calm
53:11I'm as calm as they come
53:13Trust me
53:14You've not seen karma in your entire life
53:16I showed up calm
53:17Oh
53:18I'm calm as all hell
53:21No, no, no
53:23Get it
53:24Oh my lucky
53:28Calm down
53:30I am calm
53:33I'm calm
53:53I'm calm
53:54I'm calm
53:54It's alright, Detective
53:55You were right
53:57You did calm me down a little bit
53:59I'm going to go for lunch
54:00How about you clean up this mess before I get back
54:02And no one gets hurt
54:03Hey?
54:08It's asbestos
54:11Hi, I can see your age in this room
54:13I can sort of get a vibe for you
54:15And do you remember
54:15Oh, not you two
54:16But do you remember how we used to dance in the 80s and 90s?
54:20Do you remember going to the club and we'd all be done?
54:25Do you know why we had to dance like that?
54:27Because deodorant only lasted for three hours
54:29You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air
54:31People would pass out
54:32But then the deodorant companies come to the party
54:34They'd go, we'll give you six hours
54:35Then we'd start dancing with the fingers like
54:39Then the deodorant companies went even longer
54:42Now it's 24 and 48
54:43There's a deodorant on the market right now
54:45That's 72 hours
54:47What are you, trapped in a mind?
54:50Who needs 72 hours?
54:52In a 24 hour cycle
54:53You've got to put your ass in water
54:57You've got to be fresh
54:58You've got to get in there and scrub everywhere
55:01Like, and I mean everywhere
55:02Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower gel
55:05Get a loofah
55:06Lather that bitch up and get involved
55:08And wash everywhere
55:12I mean, if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole
55:14That's fine
55:15You do the shower gel
55:16And check that the foam comes out clean
55:18You know
55:20I know, I can hear
55:21You know how to wash your asshole
55:22I didn't have to explain that
55:25Also, you've got to be fresh
55:27I'm telling you now
55:28You've got to be fresh all the time
55:30Because if you're not
55:31When you stink
55:32You make the rest of us paranoid
55:34It doesn't matter how fresh I am
55:36If you are not fresh
55:37You walk past me
55:40Fuck, is that me?
55:42I start questioning myself
55:43Like I've never met me
55:45Now I have to find out if it's me
55:47Without letting anyone else know
56:14Hey, hey, hey
56:14What's up, what's up?
56:16Welcome to the house of Anastasia
56:18We love you, Anastasia
56:19Thanks, doll face
56:21My next single is a dance hall banger
56:23And I need you to bring the heat
56:26Um, to travel
56:27Davis section
56:28Um, Davis, just show me what you got on the choreography
56:31Okay, let's hit the track
56:49We'll just cut the track there
56:50Sorry, just one second
56:51Yeah, sorry
56:52What are you doing?
56:53Dancing my heart out
56:54Who is she?
56:55Ignore her
56:56She's from a, um
56:57She's from a lesbian outreach program
57:00Um, I think we should just ignore her
57:02Maybe even cut her
57:03Because I don't think dancing was very good
57:04Well, maybe I do agree
57:06She wasn't dancing very good
57:07I think she was dancing
57:09Great
57:10Yes
57:11Yeah, you got the talent
57:12Yeah, I'm talking about
57:14So Ursula
57:15Are you ready to step up to the streets?
57:17Yes, I train
57:18I'm ready to take center stage with you
57:20You better save the last dance for me
57:22I'll be naming early 2000s dance films
57:24Because, um, um
57:26Because, um, because Dirty Dance
57:28It's the 80s, this is hard
57:29Hey, coyote ugly
57:30Zip it
57:30Yeah
57:31Hit the track
57:32Dancers, step up
57:34Lock it in
57:35See, this is
57:36Lock it in
57:37With 49-year-old ladies
57:38Having a hot flush
57:39Yes
57:40I got finger guns
57:41I got finger guns
57:42Okay, I'm going to just call it
57:43The finger gun, sorry
57:44Um, it's sort of giving
57:45Drunk auntie at a wedding vibes
57:47I have been a drunk auntie at a wedding
57:49And I think that's me
57:49That's exactly what it's going for
57:51You've got me
57:52And I've got you
57:52Hit it
57:53It's late
57:54And the vodka's hit hard
57:56Dancing
57:57It's 90% eyebrows
57:58Get them up
57:59I can do the side of my face
58:01That's how we get the straw out of the drink
58:03Oh
58:03I do that a lot
58:05Get your tits out
58:06Stretch your butt
58:08Stretch your butt
58:08Where's my keys
58:09Where's my teeth
58:10No, enough, enough, enough, enough
58:11I can't watch another second of this
58:13I am a trained dancer, okay
58:15I want to be doing, like, body rolls
58:17And spins
58:17You shouldn't do any of that at your age
58:19It'll make you sick
58:20I am 34 and 13 months
58:22Look, Anastasia, can you please
58:23Just do my choreography?
58:25I'm a bit confused
58:26Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?
58:30You did, Anastasia
58:31So I think that I can choose
58:33Who's doing the choreography?
58:35Alright then, well
58:36Who are we going to pitch?
58:58This is stupid
59:06I told you that was going to happen
59:08Oh my god
59:09What are you eating?
59:12I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight
59:16But I also don't want you to leave here tonight thinking I don't like men
59:18Or I don't think that men have a special talent
59:21Of course you do
59:22You know, men are extremely gifted
59:25When your wife is not feeling great
59:27To go
59:27Why don't you put on a bit of a happy face?
59:29Why don't you smile a bit?
59:31It's adorable
59:31And I think it's your strengths
59:33I think the fact that you have that
59:34Absolute sheer inability to read a room
59:36I like it
59:37You guys have been great
59:39Thank you so much
59:40Thank you
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