- 9 minutes ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Lon?
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good, it's all good.
01:47It's just, we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once, I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Come off.
04:17Come on.
04:22Vroom.
04:26Vroom.
04:29OK.
04:30Vroom.
04:32Bye.
04:34Bye.
04:34Bye.
04:36Bye.
04:36Bye.
04:36Bye.
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:13Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:32You all right?
06:12Oh, yeah.
06:15Hey!
06:16What?
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:18I know you!
06:18Mate!
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21You're talented!
06:22No, no, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27Can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel!
06:37What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be past Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel!
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dev Patel!
07:02Look how short he is!
07:03Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah Jahan?
07:14Shah Jahan Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum Mr. Lateef Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for a silent ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42You are looking like the jihadi, but you are looking like the sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52Watch my pulse, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27Alright.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:31Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:36Hmm.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:39Say mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40If you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you going cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're mistreturning for mine.
09:13No, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:25Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:54Okay, I'm coming.
10:00Ah, Tahira.
10:02When will I come back?
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay.
10:08Do you need a silver rally set tomorrow?
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes, yes.
10:14It's old.
10:14It's old, right?
10:15Thank you, auntie.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who's here.
10:28Look who's here.
10:28Who's here?
10:29Honey, son.
10:31Come here.
10:32I'll die.
10:33I'll die.
10:34You've been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37How many weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this black audition thing.
10:41You're dying for the living room?
10:43Oh, you're dying for the living room.
10:44Oh, you're dying for the living room.
10:46You're dying for the living room.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:49What's happening here?
10:50My mind is coming here so many days.
10:52She's got a car, a house, a car, a house.
10:56I bought a bottle of my mother.
10:57I bought a bottle of my mother.
10:58I bought a bottle of my mother.
10:59I bought my mother.
10:59I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02I thought it was my mother when I came in the house.
11:02No, I didn't think so.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Don't worry about it.
11:06Come on, teacher.
11:07I've seen some time in Google Alerts.
11:08I've seen some time, right?
11:11Yeah.
11:11There's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just to do a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Do a prayer for you, Samir.
11:27Do a prayer for you all the time.
11:28Do a prayer for me.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just to do a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't see the TV on TV.
11:37I don't know.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:41You don't have time.
11:42You don't have a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48Listen, don't worry about it.
11:50Baba.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit!
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, I wasn't able to review my body charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no, listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you it can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:32Fifty percent of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Sharpie, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46What?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no, it's legit.
12:52It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Why didn't you tell me you're speaking for?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05Man, man.
13:05It's 59, man.
13:06Super James Bond made I shot you.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all it is.
13:10It doesn't make sense well, man.
13:11What?
13:12His Bond is white.
13:13His Bond is white.
13:14His Bond is white.
13:15His Bond is white.
13:15I'm the Bond.
13:16Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19He's doing sex.
13:20He's doing sex.
13:21He's doing sex.
13:22He's doing sex.
13:22He's doing sex.
13:23I'm the Bond.
13:24I'm the Bond.
13:25I'm the Bond.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29It's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32Brown James Bond.
13:33I should be proud.
13:34I'm going to be mad.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine.
13:38Daniel Craig will be 20 M's for the last million.
13:40My Shaju will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop.
13:48Stop.
13:49Stop.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes.
13:52She comes back in.
13:54She comes back in.
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:58I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia.
14:26Can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Yeah.
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed.
15:09What the fuck you think?
15:10Listen.
15:11Did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying?
15:16Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck!
15:26Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus the female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s.
15:31And you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen.
15:35Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:40That is amazing.
15:41That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah.
15:45So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you.
15:53It's good.
15:53You're trending.
15:54Look.
15:54And I'm just thinking, maybe I should delete all that old music.
15:58Just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:01Azure Agent.
16:02Let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen.
16:06There's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:10All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes.
16:14Fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen.
16:17Don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:25Cause Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:35One, two, three, two, four.
16:46Come,
16:46Once,
16:47You calm out.
16:55Let me down.
17:13Oh shit.
17:15Hey.
17:16What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20We all are everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:43Look who's back on the street.
17:46Brickshaw.
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Look at this.
17:50You're coming in here, bro.
17:51You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying?
17:52Ami?
17:53Yes, dude.
17:53You're doing it, bro.
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Coffin City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Totally new Batman.
18:00It's not bad, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bro, be easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05This is just the audition.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a picture.
18:07Hold on, girl.
18:11Same, man.
18:11It's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking.
18:13What?
18:14Forget it.
18:14Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, no, say it.
18:16No, no, I'm just.
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you a lot tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:28Like, how dare you, bro?
18:29You know?
18:29Nothing.
18:30You just, you come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33Walking through here or like, look at me, look at me.
18:36Bro, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe, uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, um, you know, like the old days.
18:51Paul, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shout out, man.
18:53Uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:58It's all bullshit.
19:01London, are you ready for a case?
19:34Yes, yes, not done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:39Great shot.
20:45R. Salami.
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Sha Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's.
21:10With me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, plus few who've had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least he tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right.
21:49Yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:53Sorry.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:04So, house has two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter, if you have the bodies.
22:1460 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25So, your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, I just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether in the public
22:57eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got...
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Well, okay, they do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Mufwest
23:13Nanny.
23:13And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29What are you talking about, man?
23:39Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate Mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
23:59ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:28Do it, my tattoo, never.
24:28Hey.
24:29We have to do it.
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I have a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:48Shah, you better go here and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:51Let's go.
24:5260 people's a lot for Eid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Hey.
24:58What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:0420 fucking years she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:06Already bringing a kanti-swelling kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey.
25:15It's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17I know.
25:18You have done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and D more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling you, Shahju, I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody, stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:41Huh?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is free Mace and nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should have gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look, Daira.
25:49There's nothing ready for me.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys, the Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just wanna say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Benchot, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:24This is the walk camera.
26:26I'm just going to keep it.
26:26The hero has a lot of pain.
26:28Naila, we'll come back with you.
26:31We'll come back with you.
26:31Arraeze, Arraeze.
26:32If something happened, you're responsible for your people.
26:35Okay, Naila?
26:43lovely to meet the family colorful lot aren't they they really get after it and your uh your
26:48brother he's seems nice he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was raised with us
26:53okay it's complicated all right well look this is for you as you quote although i would be willing
27:01to postpone payment you know in consideration of the future work because if my internet searches
27:07are correct then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future oh well let's um let's
27:12see
27:12what happens i'm just really reasonable could you just leave it with me i'm getting a few different
27:15quotes in that's fine okay oh so did you want me to uh provide a personal for tonight i can
27:20send
27:20one of my best guys what you do you asked me to do security now but tonight i did him
27:25yeah so
27:26when we needed thank you for coming by yeah no absolute pleasure yeah well oh by the way
27:32i stole the dash cams the uh battery life is so bring a charger all right you can have that
27:37for free
27:38cheers my dog why are you wasting your money on these render fits bro i've had your back since day
27:53i heard you go into this garland tonight on your own or
27:59i've got a plus one is it
28:04you got any shoes on trainers can arrange it
28:09go on get ready you fucker
28:32wait that is a proper go fucker day it's a good job i came to babysit you
28:36ah bro you might be taking care of the muscle but i'm winning over the hearts and minds yeah
28:41but when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how you
28:44gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face what you know the face that you do when
28:48you're on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried
28:51the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me
28:54off
28:55okay for confirmation what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a
29:00pervy version of fucking planet earth all right let me just see something
29:03raaj takha mother fucker is all right all right don't jizz on my 11 seats you can't afford the
29:08cleaning fee okay listen let's just go there and smash it all right but we are already fucking
29:12smashing it okay we are arriving in the muba prime experience look at this halal harry balls
29:17custom specifically branded zamzam water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me
29:22we are arriving like this is fast and furious but without the four skins you understand come on
29:26let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet
29:33i can't
29:33guarantee there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati
29:52playing pond proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so well it's why i want the
29:59role it's why i'm here speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the king's
30:03museum gala
30:04exactly to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is
30:11what
30:11british looks like
30:16hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight please
30:20get home with muba okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area i'm turkish
30:26you're turkish then there's service in your area thank you excuse me sister
30:29you're not a good person you're not a good person you're not a good person you're not a good person
30:34can i get a pic you want a pic i'll kill you next week hey yo guys guys come and
30:40get a picture with
30:40your one and only fan come on
30:43oi bro you're ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there man so now you
30:50should be out
30:50here with us hey yo yo yo make sure you have a photo with you what's the problem bro if
30:54i get a photo
30:54take with them it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the real change
30:58happens in there we gotta get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret service
31:05or something yeah but don't go full coconut pussy all around oh yeah then don't go into father
31:09fuck boy on me then you want to respect my guy keep it real yeah okay why don't you respect
31:13this watch
31:14and learn you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me show
31:21you
31:23um nah you know what that is you look like a pedophile journal bro there's cameras why would
31:28you say pedophile because they don't have sound it's fault it's a tea hi so happy really i'm so
31:32glad to be here thank you this is my associate magra much can learn um can i ask um who
31:38i might
31:38speak to about my speech this evening oh we don't have you done us doing a speech oh i i
31:43think it's
31:43because i'm a lost a last minute addition so well if you're new house i suppose yeah she's our new
31:49director okay oh i i'm i'm guessing i have a plus one uh mr sufika early ceo of movie enterprises
31:57i
31:57just think it should be like an official record i'm here tonight so thank you
32:02cuz where the fuck have you bought us man this looks like the jaws bull sack
32:07you're from humble beginnings like me so how's your family dealing with all this the same way we deal
32:13with everything there's a team together now i'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs
32:20bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i've got stuff cooking assalamu alaikum sorry
32:28all right we've got to find this vivian yeah yeah no point me being here if i can't get on
32:34stage there
32:35she's museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some evil bro look at this one all right
32:41listen uh i'm gonna go work on you should we take team her what not like that i mean like
32:46you
32:46convince her together like good packing bad paki what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop
32:53i've got package i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
33:01sing let me tell you about this
33:06he didn't get it
33:11i'm vivian charlotte oh yes of course mr latif um i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment
33:17oh absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently
33:21what can i do for you mr latif i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for
33:24you
33:25there's nobody like muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time but we are on
33:29time for
33:29prayers five times a day if you call me can you get me to where i need to go i'll
33:34get you there this
33:35museum means a great deal to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it
33:40thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture
33:45in fact we invite this kind of dialogue is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of
33:49sorts to help bridge the divide between those on the inside and those out there who's your name
33:54ali razza ali razza i'm feeling the iran yes yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on you so
33:59we could be in
34:00that region i for one would be honored to get up there and say a few words about may i
34:04about how
34:05i'm global britain truly is both in its artifacts and its people you know i'm an eighth indian i did
34:11not
34:11well what about yourself where you from london you're from london you sound with originally from
34:18london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from a muslim country yes but treasures like
34:23the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to islam they belong to us all so i can go up
34:28and
34:28say a few words i'll be very brief no miss latif that's simply not how we do things around here
34:33this
34:34isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already have our dear friend raj thakar giving a speech
34:38enjoy your evening
34:47and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be all softballs
34:54did you raj thakar your rival i wouldn't call him that come on come on you can be honest i
35:01can't be in
35:02the same room as ian magneto mccallan oh sorry sir ian magneto mccallan i just think that there's
35:09plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the only brown
35:15bloke up for the
35:16job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better bond yeah well i
35:21don't really pay
35:22attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap he's a bigger
35:27name
35:27with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor that's subjective cut the
35:34camel
35:35shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak how do you expect to
35:41convince the world that you can be bond you don't stand a chance in a horse pajamas do you you
35:49pussy hole needs to go on addition you push gun no use being angry with me you only have yourself
35:59to
36:00blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
36:07here he is hey hey sure i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when
36:13was the last time i
36:13saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
36:19thank
36:19you do you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white woman
36:24eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy and they
36:29have this relationship over space and time it's about her loves timeless and crosses all sorts of
36:35boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you from yeah yeah thanks a
36:41lot um you look incredible by the way and very very smart getting photographed in the tugs and
36:45holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions
36:50um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate man
36:57it's just um that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably probably
37:03getting a lot of that too not really nothing to cry about you just gotta stay grateful people are
37:10busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah
37:14yeah
37:15we are yeah hates a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head to
37:20my mom's
37:20house you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no amount
37:28of hate is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around
37:33the world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach
37:37yeah i just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love
37:44the
37:44passion man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want
37:53to be a part of that yeah i'll say what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring
37:57you up i would love
37:58that thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey i
38:04know you
38:04oh this is my security guy the muba guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it earlier i love the
38:08concept thank you brother are you muslim help me all a little yeah have you got a card i'll spread
38:15the
38:15word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't be
38:23here
38:23without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me that's me good to see
38:28man yeah you too man he's either the sweetest twat i've ever met or the thickest twat you're a thick
38:37twat what security guy that's what i'm doing you literally told me to bring you here as security
38:45why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course i'm hungry man
38:49eat a canopy champagne just have a little canopy bro just have a little something to eat nothing here
38:56is halal none of the little things the big things none of it have some halloumi halloumi
39:00halloumi is not israeli that's what they want you to think it's an arabic cheers
39:03prove it to me google it you know i don't use google
39:08thank you too kind
39:13good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great
39:23nation's cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight we
39:31write this wrong after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present to
39:40you tonight the restored buddha of bamian
39:57now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage the most gentleman of vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
40:16it's an honor to be here i mean wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and
40:26so it
40:26should follow that england too is home to people from those same places and tonight is a celebration but
40:33i would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of
40:39color recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep
40:51it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mommy i'm sorry
41:00but no amount of hate will make me hide those driven by prejudice they need to see us in these
41:08spaces
41:11and because this too is what british looks like thank you thank you
41:21miss latif you have a situation man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and
41:27actually profiling museum guests they're really doing very special work um oh and uh char latif
41:35wanted to say something too i'm gonna have to go on man sure otherwise we're gonna have to escort
41:40him off the premises immediately so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was
42:04a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the
42:12bleeding lines out nine i can do better i can can can you now let's see i also had a
42:22pig's head said to
42:23mine for themselves i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's
42:35the problem is it it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bombed you turned your back
42:46on your
42:47own fans man slow down you turned your back on your own family face it people like you are never
42:58the
42:58heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little tacky send him back where he came from
43:17oh
43:41yeah
43:46You okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing.
43:51What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro.
43:53It's 2 a.m.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:57Oh, sorry, man.
43:58I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:06Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:09That night, you weirdo.
44:13Eat Mubarak, bitch.
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