- 8 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:39I'm sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:51Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Joe.
04:26Um...
04:27Huh.
04:29Cough.
04:32Cough.
04:33Cough.
04:39Cough.
04:40Cough.
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, okay, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned, and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what, I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:51Let's go.
06:05Oh
06:15Hey
06:16Oh
06:21Shit, you're talented. No, no, no. Yes, you are. You're an exceptional actor. I want you to know that. Thank
06:26you
06:26This is like a little video for my girlfriend Heather. She's like obsessed with you. Yeah. Yeah
06:31Hey, check it out. Walking down the street. Guess what I've been to
06:35Dev fucking Patel. What? Dev Patel just walking down the street
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog
06:46It was an amazing honor to be part of Slumdog Millionaire
06:49It was a great film that people loved that I loved. I loved that film
06:53I mean my family my community I mean internationally. He's not Dev Patel
06:58What? He's not Dev Patel. Look how short he is
07:03Dave is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero
07:08Hello, Shah Jahan Latif. Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah? Shah Latif, Shah. That's me
07:20Can we go please? No problem, sir.
07:27Assalamualaikum Mr. Latif, Shah. I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that
07:31temperature is of enjoyment for you. I asked for asylum ride on the app, so
07:36Sir, just one thing. Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42And you look like the jahadi, but he's a sphincter
07:46Sphincter? Wait, that's a boss?
07:47He likes sphincter. He just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter? Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man. I appreciate it.
07:52What's my apology, please?
07:53You're awesome. I'll show that.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Hey, listen. Did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I didn't look. I'll be busy, okay? What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, but basically I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that. It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro. It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits. First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:23It's not a dildo. It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need it for my fleet anyway. Fleet?
08:27All right. Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually. Fuck off.
08:32Yes. Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:37What?
08:39Say, mashallah.
08:40Oh, mashallah.
08:40But if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right. Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim, right? Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me. We drive that thing, but we need to own our team.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:59I don't mind.
08:59I don't need any money from you, bro.
09:01I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no way I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05This top secret. I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did a non-disclosure agreement. I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12Now, you ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're mistretending for mine.
09:13No, we didn't, actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19We don't.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah?
09:25Can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay.
09:54One minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:00Uh, Tahira.
10:02I'll take it back.
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper.
10:06Uh-huh.
10:07Ha-ha.
10:08I need a silver rally set tomorrow.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:13It is.
10:14It is.
10:14It's been old, right?
10:15Hello, auntie.
10:17Shatum, look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22Masha Allah.
10:24Bye, auntie.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:27Bye, auntie.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:48What are you doing here?
10:50Ha-ha.
10:50My mind is coming so many days.
10:53She bought a car in Dubai.
10:55She bought a house.
10:56She bought a lot of Botox.
10:58I bought a lot of Botox.
11:19It's just a good sign of Frau.
11:20I'm...
11:21Huh?
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Word for you.
11:26Dua for you all the time.
11:28Word for me.
11:29Okay?
11:30Yeah.
11:30Just a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown-lever case about this big,
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold?
11:34Where are you?
11:35I'm watching TV.
11:37I haven't seen anything.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:39But you don't have time, you don't have time.
11:42You don't have time.
11:44That was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48You don't have time to go outside.
11:50Mama, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:59Hey, cousin!
12:00Shit! What are you saying?
12:02No, man. Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Bro!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man. Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey!
12:17I wasn't able to...
12:18He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no, listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Shabai, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait. It might be cut.
12:48It might be cut.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no. It's legit.
12:52It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:02You're speaking for.
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06It's just an audition.
13:07It's an audition.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:10What's up, Shabai?
13:11What's up, Shabai?
13:12James Bond is white.
13:13Stop.
13:14Stop.
13:15Stop.
13:16Stop.
13:17Stop.
13:17Do you know how much sex ...
13:18That was good enough to do some sex.
13:20Sdebawale are all the drugs for you.
13:24No.
13:25People don't feel angry presently.
13:27Listen, it's okay to be a little bit excited YOU
13:29know it's nice even just to have the opportunities.
13:31It's a big deal you around James Bond.
13:33James Bond, they should be proud.
13:34You know.
13:35This guy's face is gonna be fucking lost everywhere.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Yes.
13:38Daniel Crick, I'll be 20m's for the last million.
13:41My媽, Shahju, will get 21.
13:43It's just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47It's too bad.
13:48It's too bad.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she is.
13:53What the hell?
13:54I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:00Cuss, look at me.
14:03I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, shut up.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's.
14:14A beginning.
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
14:32I'm just saying it for you.
14:42I'm just saying it for you.
14:59And I'm just saying it for you.
15:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for their 18 to 34s,
15:31and you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, and I'm just thinking,
15:56unless you delete all that old music,
15:58just the really political bits, what do you think?
16:00As your agent,
16:02let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:11All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Oh, because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:35You just are.
16:41Oh, my God.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here you're everywhere today
17:24pretty cool isn't it
17:42what's up bro what's good look who's back on the street bro bro bro bro brickshaw what's up bro this
17:48shit blew up huh yeah it's working you killed it man what you say amy yes what are you doing
17:54there
17:54man are you meant to be protecting coffin city right now what no it's not god then bro don't
17:58you know totally new batman it's not bad man it's James Bond hey bro easy with the Hollywood big man
18:04shit why is this just the audition let's see you know what we need to take a picture for that
18:08girl
18:10you're safe man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking oh forget it forget it it's cool
18:15man i'm not fair nah nah i'm just go on i just had a mad thought like wouldn't it be
18:19sick if i um
18:22i warmed up for you a lot tonight because i think the crowd would love it be like a reunion
18:26be like
18:26old times bro man like how dare you bro you know nothing you just you come back you act like
18:31you
18:32fucking own this place walking through here or like look at me look at me brother i didn't i didn't
18:37mean
18:37like that i didn't mean like i can't knock the hustle man yo maybe uh yeah i was thinking maybe
18:48i could come through the crowd like um you know like the old days well i'll meet you on stage
18:52with
18:52the mic uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now just don't pay
18:57attention
18:57to it all right it's all bulls**t
19:02London are you ready for a case
19:35special guest mc in the buildings mc right shot
19:55infancy
20:08of
20:09about
20:09about
20:09about
20:09that we can go on the right path.
20:11We have fallen.
20:13We forgive everyone, my lord.
20:19Yes, this is the word of Allah.
20:21Allah is the name of Allah.
20:45Arse, tsunami, fuck, fuck, fuck, yeah, 007.
21:06Shah Latif, welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast, but few who've had such an eventful
21:2124 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two, Daniel Craig's a dear friend, big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good, yeah.
21:45Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, no, we do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, house is two points of entry, hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter, if you have the bodies.
22:1460 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Well, you really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25So, your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds,
22:57whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Mufwesnani.
23:13And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29What are you talking about, man?
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz.
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so.
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They're only PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madresa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real,
24:16actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection,
24:20I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny lulli, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40I'm just, if you let me do it,
24:42then it'll be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand that?
24:47Sha?
24:47Sha, you better go and help me take this to the car.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:06I'm already drinking a kanti-swelling kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:11Huh?
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey, it's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17I don't know.
25:17You have done already so much.
25:19Shaju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shaju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Well, after the night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Hey, everybody, stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:41Huh?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48The house is not prepared.
25:49Nothing is prepared.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila.
25:52Please, Shaju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said, uh, trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture, especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:24I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:26I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:28Naila Ji, we'll come back with you.
26:31Arraise, Arraise.
26:32If something happened, then you're responsible for the people.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy, no, I didn't, but mommy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46I really get after it, and your brother, he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin, but he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look, this is for you, as you quote, although I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know, in consideration of the future work, because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh, well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What did you do?
27:22You asked me to do security, no?
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way, those stolen dashcams, the battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fits, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53Are you going to this gala tonight?
27:56On your own, or?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04I've got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on.
28:10Get ready, you fucker.
28:22Than you, man
28:31Wait, that is a proper gofucker day.
28:34It's a good day I can't do babysitting you.
28:36All right, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture board, that's the real battleground big man
28:44How are you gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face?
28:46Well, you know the face that you do when you're on a red carpet
28:49It looks like trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you. No, I'm not
28:52Don't put that in my head right now. You're gonna put me off
28:55Okay, for confirmation. What is that? Yeah? What man? I look good there
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth. Oh, let me just see something
29:04Raj Taka
29:05Motherfucker is all right. All right. Don't jizz on my level seats. You can't afford the cleaning fee
29:08Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it. All right, but we are already fucking smashing it
29:13Okay, we are arriving in the Muba Prime experience. Look at this a lot of Harry Bowers
29:17Custom specifically branded thumbs on water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious, but without the four skins. You understand come on. Let's get
29:27it cuz. Yes. Yeah, you ready? Yes, okay
29:31Yeah, don't do that on the red carpet. I can't guarantee it
29:45There's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing pond
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission. How so?
29:57Well, it's why I want the role. It's why I'm here speaking to you
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the Kings Museum Gala?
30:04Exactly to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is
30:11what British looks like
30:16Hey, yo listen, I support the team I support the team but when you finish tonight, please get home with
30:22Muba
30:22Okay, that's for you. Sorry. There's no service in your area. I'm Turkish. You're Turkish. Then there's service in your
30:27area. Thank you
30:28Excuse me, sister
30:30Yo! Stop! MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic? I'll kill you next week. Hey yo, guys! Guys! Come and get a picture with your
30:40one and only fan. Come on
30:42Oi! Bro, you're ignoring me. Bro, we gotta go, man. Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, slow down! You should be out here with us
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo! Make sure we have a photo with you. What's the problem? Bro, if I get a
30:54photo to take with them lot
30:55It's not the right image I'm going for right now, alright? The real change happens in there. We gotta get
30:59in there
31:02Listen, I know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something, eh? But don't go full coconut pussy all
31:07around you tonight
31:07Oh, yeah? Then don't go into father fuckboy on me then
31:10You want that respect, my guy? Keep it real, yeah?
31:13Okay, why don't you respect this? Watch and learn
31:18You're doing it again? I'm not doing the face
31:19You're doing the face again. Alright, let me show you
31:23Nah, you know what that is? You look like a paedophile germal, bro
31:27There's cameras. Why would you say paedophile? Because they don't have sound, it's fault
31:29Mr. Lateef? Hi
31:31So happy to be here. Really, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you
31:33This is my associate, Magaramachika Lern
31:36Um, can I ask, um, who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you done us doing a speech?
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last, a last-minute addition
31:46So, well, it'll be your new house, I suppose
31:48Yeah
31:49She's our new director
31:49Okay, oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one
31:54Uh...
31:54Mr. Soufricard Elliott, CEO of Movie Enterprises
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so, thank you
32:02Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man? This looks like the Giles Bullsack
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me, so, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything, as a team, together
32:15Now, I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs
32:20Bro, this is mad, huh?
32:22Yeah, I told you, bro, I've got stuff cooking
32:23As-salamu alaykum
32:24As-salamu alaykum
32:24Sorry?
32:28Um, alright, you gotta find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:32There's no point in me being here if I can't get on stage
32:34There she is, museum director, yeah?
32:37My god
32:38The fuck are you, bro? Some evil, bro? Look at this
32:40Come on
32:41Alright, listen, I'm gonna go work on her
32:43Hey, yo, yo, shall we tight-team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that
32:45I mean, like, convince her together, like
32:47Good paki, bad paki
32:49What would that be like?
32:51Like, like, good cop, bad cop
32:53I've got paki's
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a bit
32:58I'll be here
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this
33:02Can you send me any more money?
33:04So, we're going to think you have an evil complex
33:07He didn't get it
33:07How you didn't leave me?
33:08You're uncomfortable
33:11I'm Vivian?
33:12Char Latif
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr Latif
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment
33:17Oh, absolutely
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently
33:21What can I do for you, Mr Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time
33:28So, brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day
33:30If you call me
33:31Brr brr
33:32Zulfi
33:32Can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there
33:34This museum means a great deal to me
33:36And I saw you had a number of protesters outside
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza
33:54Ali Reza, I'm feeling the Iran
33:56Yes
33:57Yeah, bit of Farsi, my guy, come on
33:59So we could be in that region
34:00I, for one, would be honoured to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artefacts and its people
34:09Well, you know I'm an eighth Indian
34:10I did not
34:11Wow
34:12What about yourself? Where are you from?
34:13London
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam, they belong to us all
34:26So I can go up and say a few words? I'll be very brief
34:30No, Miss Latif, that's simply not how we do things around here
34:33This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech
34:38Enjoy your evening
34:41And so I say to him, Your Majesty
34:43And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that
34:58Come on, come on, you can be honest
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen
35:05Oh, sorry, Sir Ian Magneto McKellen
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top
35:12Oh, please
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job
35:16And now, there are two
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me, it's just not in my nature
35:24You should, old chap
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor
35:32That's subjective
35:33Cut the camel shit, Latif
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pyjamas, do you?
35:48You pussyhole
35:50He's the good addition, you push-gun!
35:55No use being angry with me
35:58You only have yourself to blame
36:00I'm trying
36:01Try harder
36:02Do you understand?
36:07Here he is
36:08Hey
36:09Hey, Charlotte
36:10I haven't seen you in a minute, bro
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:14Um
36:14Mango tree premiere
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah
36:16Thank you for coming
36:17Man, you were so good in that
36:19Thank you
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree
36:21I love
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree
36:24This white woman eats a mango
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time
36:30It's about her
36:32Love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah
36:40Thanks a lot
36:41Um, you look incredible by the way
36:43And very, very smart
36:44Getting photographed in the tugs
36:45And holding that drink
36:46It's uh
36:46Just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions
36:50Um
36:51Just
36:53One thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man
36:57It's just that the hate though
36:59The hate is
37:00It's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably
37:02Probably getting a lot of that too
37:04Not really
37:06Nothing to cry about
37:07Just gotta stay grateful
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs
37:11Just to put food on the table
37:13We live in the dream
37:14Yeah, yeah
37:15There we are
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay
37:17It is
37:17It's just some
37:18Psycho sent a pig's head to my mum's house
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Fuckin' hell
37:24That's actually why I'm here
37:25Um
37:26I wanna show them
37:27That no amount of hate
37:29Is gonna make me hide
37:30And actually if this museum
37:32Can house treasures from all around the world
37:34Then this country
37:34Has to take in people
37:36From all around the world
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach
37:37Yeah
37:38I just wanna make a statement
37:40Show them that this
37:41This too
37:41Is what British looks like
37:43I love the passion man
37:45I'm so glad you said that
37:46Because I heard that you were speaking later
37:47Yeah
37:47And I was thinking maybe we could tag team it
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea
37:51Yeah
37:52You've got something important to say
37:53I wanna be a part of that
37:54Yeah
37:54I tell you what, why don't I go up first
37:56And then I'll bring you up
37:57I would love that
37:58Thank you my brother
37:59Yeah, yeah
37:59I love that man
38:00Of course
38:01I really appreciate it
38:01There you are
38:03Hey
38:03I know you
38:04Oh, this is my security guy
38:05The Muba guy
38:06Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier
38:08I love the concept
38:09Thank you brother
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:11Help me all
38:12A little
38:13Yeah
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word
38:16Nice
38:18Yeah
38:19Okay
38:19I gotta go, that's my mum
38:21You brought your mum?
38:22Yeah, yeah, yeah
38:22I wouldn't be here without her
38:24So, shouldn't be here without her, you know
38:26Zulfika
38:27That's me
38:27That's me
38:28Yeah, you too
38:31Man
38:33He is either the sweetest twat I've ever met
38:36Or the thickest twat
38:37You're a thick twat
38:39What?
38:39Security guy
38:42That's all I am to, honey
38:43You literally told me to bring you here as security
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man
38:49Eat a canapé
38:50Champagne, gentlemen
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro
38:54Just have a little something to eat
38:55Nothing here
38:56It's halal, none of the little things
38:57The big things, none of it
38:58Have some halumi
38:59Halumi
39:00Halumi's not Israeli
39:01That's what they want you to think
39:02It's an Arabic
39:03Cheers
39:03Google it
39:05You know I don't use Google
39:08Thank you
39:11Too kind
39:13Good evening
39:14Good evening
39:15In 2001
39:17We watched in horror
39:19As Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage
39:24We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble
39:30But tonight
39:31But tonight
39:31We right this wrong
39:32After a nine year
39:3415 million pound restoration project
39:37It is my honour to present to you tonight
39:40The restored Buddha of Bamiyan
39:57And now an extra special treat
39:58It is with great enthusiasm
40:00It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage
40:04The most gentle mini vampire hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting
40:08Raj Dakar
40:16It's an honour to be here I mean
40:19Wow
40:21This museum is home to artefacts from around the globe
40:25And so it should follow that England too is home to people from those same places
40:31Now tonight is a celebration but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35As an Englishman and as a person of colour
40:41Recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family
40:50He's doorstep
40:51It was horrific
40:52There was blood everywhere
40:55My mother was left traumatised
40:56Mummy I'm sorry
40:59But no amount of hate will make me hide
41:03Those driven by prejudice
41:06They need to see us in these spaces
41:12And because this too is what British looks like
41:17Thank you
41:21Excuse me, Mr Latif
41:22Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests
41:29What?
41:31Very special work
41:32Oh and Shah Latif wanted to say something too
41:36I'm about to go on man
41:37Shah?
41:38Otherwise we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately
41:41I don't know
41:42I don't know
42:11and he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better. I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:38You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:42Hey, you're good.
42:44You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down!
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:08Send him back where he came from!
43:14Aaaaaah!
43:16Aaaaaah!
43:18Aaaaaah!
43:20Aaaaaah!
43:22Aaaaaah!
43:24Aaaaaah!
43:27Aaaaaah!
43:32Aaaaaah!
43:34Aaaaaah!
43:34Aaaaaah!
43:35Aaaaaah!
43:38Aaaaaah!
43:39Aaaaaah!
43:40Aaaaaah!
43:41Aaaaaah!
43:42Aaaaaah!
43:43Aaaaaah!
43:43Aaaaaah!
43:45Aaaaaah!
43:46Aaaaaah!
43:46Aaaaaah!
43:47Aaaaaah!
43:56Aaaaaah!
43:57Sorry, but I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, isn't it?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so.
44:06Eve Mubarak.
44:07Yeah.
44:09Night-night, you weirdo.
44:14Eve Mubarak, bitch.
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