- 10 hours ago
Only Child S02E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:34Oh, morning.
00:36Morning.
00:38You're in a coffin.
00:40I am, yes.
00:41Do you want to talk about that, or...?
00:43Well, John Doherty over at Room Amoy was selling it on the online.
00:48And he gave me a very good price if that's what you're worried about.
00:51That's not what I'm worried about.
00:53No, no, I was just sort of trying it out.
00:54And I must have drifted off, which is exactly what it's for, to be fair.
01:00What time is it, by the way?
01:01What's half past 11?
01:03Is that you just out your pit?
01:06Says the man literally lying in a coffin.
01:09Eh?
01:09Get out of the coffin, Dad.
01:10Eh, no, I won't get out of the coffin.
01:12Get out of the coffin, Dad.
01:13I will not get out of the coffin, Richard.
01:15Okay, fine. Then I'm going back to bed.
01:18Fine.
01:18Fine.
01:19Fine.
01:19Fine.
01:20Fine.
01:26There's nothing we should email the producers about doing a spin-off.
01:28We could call it Dr. Sparrow's Casebook.
01:30Not this again.
01:32If anyone should get a spin-off, it should be me.
01:34Judge Basquiat was better than your character.
01:36Why can't it be about my character?
01:38Because your character's dead, Terry.
01:39Oh, yeah.
01:40Headshot!
01:42Sorry, Terry.
01:43No, that's fine.
01:43I shouldn't have been standing there.
01:45Are you actually planning on getting dressed today?
01:48One sec, guys.
01:49My flatmate wants to ask me a question.
01:50Can I help you?
01:51I am not letting you waste another day playing this silly computer game with your sad little actor pals.
01:57We're not sad little actor pals.
01:59Although I'm a bit concerned about Terry.
02:00He's almost 60.
02:01Yeah, 62, actually.
02:03Headphones mute.
02:04Listen, just because Norway didn't work out doesn't mean you have to give up on life.
02:09I've not given up on life.
02:11Oh, I have.
02:12Oh, bloody headphones.
02:14Meanwhile, I've got to creep about the town, pretend you're still in Bloomin' Norway.
02:19No guesses for what we're eating come the apocalypse.
02:21Oh, yes.
02:21We've had a tremendous yield up the allotment this year.
02:25Here, stick that in my glory hole.
02:27Say again?
02:29My glory hole.
02:32You mean cupboard.
02:34You say cupboard, I say glory hole.
02:36It's hardly tomato-tomato, is it?
02:37Your mother and I had tremendous use out of a glory hole over the years.
02:40Do you remember that list of words and phrases where I explained to you, over years, the meaning has changed?
02:46Sometimes quite drastically.
02:48Yes.
02:49Forget it.
02:57I'll have to take him to the tailors.
03:00Hopefully Alfonso will be able to fix him.
03:02Okay, I'm sorry, it was an accident.
03:04How long is this going to go on for Richard, eh?
03:07You skulking about the house in secret.
03:10I mean, honestly, so what?
03:11You got sacked?
03:12I didn't get sacked.
03:13Me and the producers mutually agreed that my character would best serve the story by not being a part of
03:19it.
03:20I mean, you're still a young man.
03:21I'm 39.
03:22Oh, come on, you've got all your own hair.
03:24You've got a lovely smile.
03:27Anything else?
03:29I'll mention the hair.
03:34Sally, hi.
03:35Richard, hi.
03:36Nothing's coming.
03:37Right.
03:38Same time next week?
03:39Oh, Benedict, darling!
03:41Just trying out a new system at save time.
03:44Listen.
03:46Why don't you come up your mother's old allotment with me today, eh?
03:50You used to like it up there, and I could do with your help to move one or two things.
03:54What if Emily sees me?
03:55Well, just tell her the truth.
03:56I'm sure she won't mind.
03:58I've been sending her photos with me and other actors on set for the last three months now.
04:02I've had to do four Photoshop tutorials.
04:04You can't hide away forever.
04:05You'll need to take a leaf out of my book.
04:07I'm up that allotment every day, getting my steps in, tilling this soil, feeling this
04:12sun in my face.
04:13I'm even an admin on the Forest WhatisUp group.
04:17It's WhatsApp, and everyone's an admin.
04:18Well, at least come to the town hall with me tonight.
04:21What for?
04:22What for, he says.
04:23What for?
04:24The Save Our Allotment campaign to stop the council chucking us off the land and selling
04:28it to some bloody developer.
04:30I didn't know they were going to do that.
04:32Come on, son.
04:34I could use your help.
04:37I'm sorry, Dad.
04:38I can't.
04:41Well, you're going to have to leave the house at some point today.
04:44Why?
04:50Will you be careful?
04:51I've got to live in that when I'm dead.
04:53I still can't believe you've done this.
04:56I don't want you spending your money on me when I'm dead.
04:59This is an investment in your future.
05:01Stocks would have been fine.
05:04Remind me to take you off my pallbearer list, will you?
05:07It's the pollen.
05:08I've not been exposed for a while.
05:10Pull those trousers up, Richard.
05:12What are people going to think?
05:27All right, Mr. Pritch.
05:29Hello, Emily, love.
05:31Is everything okay?
05:32Oh, yes, yes, yes.
05:34Aye, aye, aye.
05:36Okay.
05:36Um, I'm going to have to get that hold all I lent you back.
05:39I'm going away for the weekend.
05:41And, um, that is a coffin.
05:44Yes, yes, it is.
05:45Aye.
05:46John Doherty?
05:48Yes.
05:49Thought it might be.
05:51Well, as far as coffins go.
05:53Yes, I'm actually very pleased with it myself.
05:56What?
05:57Apart from the fact that keeps doing that, it's...
06:06Emily, hi.
06:10How are things?
06:20So, you're back.
06:22Yeah.
06:23Yeah, I just got a couple of days off, so I thought I'd come back.
06:26See the old man?
06:28Old man?
06:29Who's that?
06:29You.
06:30Oh, charming.
06:32Old man.
06:33There you go.
06:36Oh.
06:38Oh, I'll take that.
06:39Oh, jeez.
06:47So, off anywhere nice?
06:50Uh, just the Lake District.
06:51I've booked myself into a spa.
06:54Who are you going with?
06:56No one.
06:57Just a bit of me time.
07:01I'm, uh, enjoying all the photos from set.
07:04Good.
07:05What's Kelly MacDonald like?
07:08She's a total sweetheart.
07:10Mm-hmm.
07:10Mm-hmm.
07:10Yeah, and a very generous performer.
07:12Oh, cool.
07:14What about, um, Robert Carlyle?
07:16Nightmare.
07:17Oh.
07:18Well, I mean, it's an amazing cast to be part of.
07:21I've actually got a scene with Martin Compton tomorrow, so I'm flying back tonight.
07:25Wow.
07:26Gosh, is there any Scottish actor not in this show?
07:29I could name one.
07:31And this, uh, this look?
07:33Yeah, it's, um, I'm playing this detective who's got a lot of inner pain.
07:39Is that because his washing machine is broken?
07:45Um, yeah, right, well, uh, I should really...
07:49I'll see you out.
07:50See you later, Mr. Pritch.
07:52Enjoy.
07:56I love Martin Compton.
07:58Can you get me a selfie?
08:00Definitely.
08:01Uh, that's easy.
08:02Um, I mean, he doesn't let many people into his inner circle, Marty.
08:06Yeah, that's what he lets me call him.
08:08Um, but I think he's taken a bit of a shine to me, so, yeah, I'll definitely get that selfie.
08:15Thanks.
08:17It's nice to see you.
08:19And you.
08:20Bye, Emily.
08:22Bye, Richard.
08:37That worked out well.
08:40How's that exactly?
08:41Now she knows you're back, you can come up the allotment with me.
08:45Bye.
08:55All right, Richard, what are you doing, Bart?
08:57Big change.
08:59One more like that.
09:03There he is.
09:05Dr. Sparrow.
09:06All right.
09:06Ian, Jen, how are you both?
09:08All grand.
09:09We're actually just off to marriage counselling.
09:12Oh.
09:13I'm sorry to hear that.
09:14Oh, God.
09:15Nothing wrong with our marriage.
09:17No, no, the counsellor's moved up here from London and we want to see what her house looks like.
09:2160 grand she spent doing it all.
09:23Oh, isn't this exciting?
09:24It's exciting.
09:25We don't want to feel it.
09:27Just stand there.
09:28What am I like?
09:32Are you winning after she?
09:34No, I'm not, but I wish you were.
09:37Stink coming off you.
09:48Richard Pritchard.
09:50Mr. Williams?
09:51Oh, come now.
09:53Horace.
09:54We're not in drama class anymore.
09:57So, my protégé returns.
10:00I presume all the letters of thanks for the success you've had over the years were lost in the post?
10:06I wouldn't call it success.
10:08So, what news from the front?
10:10A.K.A.
10:11Shaftesbury Avenue.
10:13Just say, ask for me.
10:15I wouldn't know.
10:16At the moment, I'm very much round the corner in the ITV3 cul-de-sac.
10:19How's it been since...
10:21Since the headmaster caught me with a bottle of peach snaps in the janitor's cupboard.
10:26Well, I was going to say early retirement, but...
10:28Well, as you can see, I'm thriving.
10:30I pay £28 a year to sit here, drink wine, enjoy the view.
10:36So, you tell me who's winning.
10:38I think you'll find that's me.
10:41Would you care to join me for a glass of Chateauneuf-du-Pape?
10:45Well, like when you asked me that at school, it's a little early for me.
10:51Kenneth, you'll be at the town hall tonight, I presume?
10:54Oh, yes, yes.
10:56We'll be there.
10:56In force.
10:57I've organised a strategy meeting beforehand.
11:01I thought the pub would be good.
11:03Thought you might.
11:04Well, listen, it's been great to catch up.
11:08Quickly, quickly.
11:09Can we just do that?
11:10Right, step this way up again.
11:15Bloody hell.
11:17That was quick.
11:18Can we get this over with?
11:20I want to be home for tipping point.
11:21There you go.
11:23This is what you needed help moving.
11:25Aha, it's heavier than it looks.
11:27I'll find you.
11:28I will find you.
11:30It's like I got a gun.
11:31Okay, it's just Paul.
11:33Somebody's been stealing his radishes.
11:35So he's just walking about with a gun.
11:37Oh, it's not a gun, it's an air rifle.
11:39I mean, you can't do a lot of damage shooting air, can you?
11:42That's not what an air rifle is.
11:43Yes, yes.
11:44There you go.
11:45I'll put the kettle on.
11:53Bit of bump and grind, isn't it?
11:56What?
11:56A bit of bump and grind.
11:58We're updating that list of words and phrases tonight.
12:21Oh, I've got you, you filthy tea leaf.
12:23What's going on?
12:23Oh, I've detained the suspect.
12:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:28Oh, misunderstanding.
12:30Oh, misunderstanding, is it?
12:31Let me explain.
12:32Where is he?
12:33Oh, good, the gun's here now.
12:34This must be your radish thief, Paul.
12:36I mean, look at the state of him.
12:38I've been having a bit of a rough time lately.
12:39Shut it.
12:40Okay.
12:41Do you know how long it takes to grow a radish?
12:45Sorry, is that a real question?
12:4660 days in total.
12:4860?
12:49It's not bad, actually.
12:50Aye, well, they are one of the fastest growing vegetables, to be fair.
12:55That's why I like them. Like you, keep nicking them.
12:58Everything okay?
13:02Please stop doing that.
13:05Beth seems nice.
13:09Oh yes, she is. She's a lovely woman. Lost her husband about a year ago.
13:13Did they check the body for rake marks?
13:17She's actually moved up here from England. She'll be closer to her son.
13:22What's that?
13:23Oh that, that's something your mother left me. It's a kind of gardening encyclopedia, you know.
13:32She didn't want me to let the place go to ruin.
13:37Mind you, I nearly did. I just, I couldn't face coming up here without her, you know.
13:45I know, darling.
13:47I think, well there you are. Life moves on, eh?
13:51I knew it.
13:53What was aftershave?
13:55Give me that.
13:57Loveburn. I think you can get a cream for that.
13:59That's private.
14:00What's written on the bottle?
14:02What's written on the bottle?
14:05Nosing people's stuff. How would you like it if I stuck my nose into your affairs?
14:10No, you wouldn't like it then, would you?
14:16Hi, er, Beth. We didn't really get a chance to meet you. Mainly because you were assaulting me with a
14:21rake.
14:22I'm sorry about that. I thought you were a hobo.
14:26Oh, no, not a hobo. A skag head, is that the one?
14:30Oh, I can't believe I attacked Dr Sparrow. Don't worry about it.
14:35I love detective manners. Me and the girlies used to get together every Sunday night with
14:39a bottle of wine and try and guess who the killer was.
14:43Apart from Rachinda. The wine, I mean. She's muslin.
14:48Bit lovely?
14:49Yeah.
14:49Oh, did that sound racist?
14:50I can't keep up now, Richard. Look at toilets. I mean, what's going on with them now?
14:55And people? They say it's your responsibility to educate yourself. Go online. Go where?
15:01I'm only on the Facebook and we're all as confused as each other.
15:04I better head off before I get cancelled, I think.
15:06I just want everyone to be happy.
15:08Sure.
15:09Things change so quickly. And what if I say the wrong thing?
15:12God, they don't give you a second chance these days. And I never mean any harm.
15:16But sometimes my mouth runs on the head of my brain.
15:24Sorry about that.
15:25No, don't apologise.
15:29Strategy meeting!
15:37Are you going to turn them off, or...?
15:39Oh yes, yes. Let me see now. It's...
15:42You just... No, you just press that.
15:45Which?
15:45You just press that button.
15:46Which button?
15:47You're just unlocking the phone, not conducting an orchestra.
15:49How do I press here, Richard?
15:50Is it snooze or stop?
15:52Oh my God, there's two of them.
15:59Dewbonnie and lemonade.
16:01Sorry again, Horace.
16:04Shot you in the eye then, did he, Horace?
16:07Well, the doctor thought he didn't really need the eye patch, but Horace insisted.
16:12So it was Mr. Williams who was stealing your radishes.
16:14Oh, I didn't mean to shoot him. The air rifle must have been faulty.
16:19Faulty towers. Oh, I loved that.
16:23Were you in that one, Richard?
16:25What?
16:25Shall we begin? I must say I thought there'd be a better turn out tonight.
16:29Sorry, Horace. My son was going to come, but he's on holiday with his partner.
16:33He's a personal trainer, Richard, if ever you felt like pulling yourself together.
16:37First point of order. I think I should speak on our behalf tonight.
16:41Really? Even with the eye patch?
16:43What's the matter, Richard? Worried you won't have top billing now.
16:48I know these allotments. I know their stories.
16:52Take Glenna. She took her stroke there. Remember that, Glenna?
16:56Well, not really. Because of the stroke.
16:59You live alone. If it had happened at home, you'd be dead.
17:02Well, the doctor said it was only a small one.
17:05You'd be deceased, Glenna. Oh, right.
17:08One might even say it was a stroke of good luck.
17:11I'd rather you didn't.
17:13Okay. Paul, you were an addict.
17:16Well, you're always an addict, Horace. But yes, since I took up the allotment two years ago,
17:21Oh, I have been free of all drugs.
17:24Oh, well done.
17:35Right. Whose round is it?
17:39I am one with the allotment. I am the gentle breeze that blows through.
17:43I am the morning dew on the lawns.
17:46Oh, I wondered who that was.
17:48Mm-hmm. Well, I think she'd maybe still have a vote on it.
17:52Would you still want to vote if you heard me say,
17:54Daffodil that came before the swallowed deer and took the winds of barch with beauty?
18:03Yeah, I think we should still have a vote. It's the eye patch.
18:07Yeah, yeah. It's the eye patch for me.
18:10Okay, so everyone who thinks that Horace should speak for us tonight, raise your hands.
18:17Very well. Who do you think should speak on our behalf?
18:21Well, I think it should be somebody who's not afraid of being on stage.
18:28Who can maybe sort of, you know, learn their lines in a professional way.
18:35Absolutely not.
18:37Oh, come on. It's only for tonight.
18:39You're a performer. You're used to dealing with crowds.
18:42Oh, I am a performer.
18:44Oh, and you're a very good one too.
18:46Well, you know, I've always said it's about finding the truth in whatever.
18:51I know what you're doing and I'm not falling for it.
18:53Oh, listen, if you won't do it for me, do it for your mother.
18:56She made me promise to look after the place and she did say,
18:59try and get Richard to help if you can.
19:02Well, it's funny how I was never privy to these apparent conversations.
19:06She said you'd say that.
19:07Big snaps, please, Jim.
19:10All the industry, never the starring role.
19:14Good to have you back, Richard.
19:23One lager and one double gin.
19:26Dr Sparrow, I cannot wait for the new show to come out.
19:30I've been learning Norwegian.
19:33It's an English gin.
19:34What?
19:35Oh, well, still looking forward to it.
19:38And I think someone might be replacing Pile on Paul at number one on the wall of fame.
19:43God rest his soul.
19:45Well, no, he's not dead, love.
19:48But he has learned his lesson.
19:52Oh, completely converted the basement she has, Richard.
19:55Who?
19:56The marriage counsellor.
19:57Yeah, that's where she has her appointments.
19:58She's actually booked us in for next week.
20:01Thanks, we have some deep-rooted, unresolved issues we need to work through.
20:05And we only went in for a nosy.
20:11That will be £12.45, please, including the peach snaps.
20:28Oh, you're back.
20:33Someone told me if you're nervous about making a speech, you should imagine the audience naked.
20:41Never worked for me.
20:42I remember looking at everybody during my husband's eulogy, thinking,
20:46you should be ashamed of yourself.
20:48Turn it up like that.
20:51Where's your respect?
20:54Oh, oh my God, it's my Tim.
20:57Tim? Tim?
20:58Tim? Over here!
21:00Everyone, my son's here.
21:02Oh, here he is now.
21:05Hi, Tim. First name?
21:07Tim.
21:08You're called Tim?
21:08Sorry, I got confused.
21:10What is your first name?
21:11Richard.
21:12Hi, Richard.
21:12What are you doing here?
21:14You're meant to be on holiday.
21:15Oh, bloody car broke down.
21:17We had to get towed back from Inverness.
21:19Still, it means that I can be here with you now.
21:21Yeah, so where's your lovely lady?
21:23Oh, she's coming.
21:24Oh, there she is.
21:25Hi!
21:27Hi, everyone.
21:28Mr. Britch.
21:29So did Richard get back okay?
21:31Well, he's scurried under the table quick enough.
21:43Hi, Richard.
21:44Hi, Emily.
21:45I'm just under the table at the moment.
21:47Mm-hmm.
21:47Hey, dude.
21:48Are you okay?
21:49Hi.
21:50Yeah, I was just saying to Emily, I'm just under the table at the moment.
21:53Cool.
21:55So are you two, um...
21:56Yeah.
21:57Yeah.
21:58Yeah.
21:58Great.
21:59That's great to hear.
22:00That's just, uh, that's us going in now, son.
22:04Okay, I'm just going to have a minute here.
22:06So, do you want us to just leave you here?
22:09If you wouldn't mind.
22:26It shouldn't be too much longer now.
22:29Maybe we should reschedule.
22:31No need.
22:31I am fully prepared.
22:34You can just speak from the floor, sir.
22:36Well, I'm up here now.
22:38We must take the current as it serves or lose our ventures.
22:43Oh, that's him.
22:44Here he is.
22:45That's him.
22:45He's here now.
22:46That's him.
22:47Why do I even bother?
22:49Absolute waste of time.
22:51Break your legs.
22:54Um, sorry everyone.
22:57Sorry everyone.
23:00Uh, okay, uh, we are here.
23:03To, to ask you, nay, demand, well, ask, let's ask first, that you don't chuck us off the land.
23:12I, I don't know what you've got planned for it.
23:14A big waitrose.
23:15A big waitrose?
23:15Seriously, is that, that is fan, that's not on.
23:18That is not on, we're not going to stand for that.
23:21You just take your waitrose and your extensive dip selection and you take that elsewhere.
23:26Okay, I mean, look, all we're here to do is to ask you really to agree to give us more
23:32time before making any decisions.
23:34Okay?
23:35These allotments, they mean a lot to people, uh, to me, to, to the town.
23:40I mean, I'm, I'm from the town.
23:42I'm from Forrest.
23:44You know, as much as I fight against it, I am from Forrest.
23:50Ich bin ein Forrest, sir.
23:53Yeah, we were all Forresters.
23:55Yeah.
23:57Yeah, um, I mean, my mum was from Forrest, uh, you know, your mum was from Forrest.
24:01Your mum was from Forrest.
24:03And your mum was from Forrest.
24:05Forrest.
24:06Yeah.
24:07I don't know why I paused it, but the point is, we, we are Forrest.
24:10And for you to build a waitrose, you're gonna have to go through us first.
24:14Yeah!
24:20And, I never went to Norway.
24:25Well, I did, but I got fired.
24:28Sorry for not telling you.
24:31Jenna, I'm sorry.
24:33You're a little bit shocked.
24:42All right, Richie.
24:43All right, Dixie.
24:44Do you want some radishes?
24:45Uh, nah, I'm all right.
24:47I don't even know why I nicked them, to be honest.
24:50See you in a bit, Nick.
24:52See you later.
24:56Heyo.
25:01Why didn't you just tell me?
25:05I think I can cope with everyone else thinking I'm a failure.
25:08Uh, just not you.
25:12I don't think you're a failure, Richard.
25:15I mean, I think you're weird.
25:18That's a fair comment.
25:19That's what I've always liked about you.
25:25So, Tim.
25:27Yeah.
25:29Well, thought you weren't coming back.
25:34Sorry I didn't say anything.
25:39Well, I'd better go, um, see you around.
25:44Now that you're not hiding from me.
25:46Look, I'm, I'm really sorry.
25:53Hello.
25:57A few of us are heading to the Beastie.
26:00Just, uh, me, Horace, Paul...
26:03...and Beth.
26:06Well, you better get going then.
26:08Okay.
26:09You wouldn't mind taking Percy back home with you, would you?
26:12Ugh, seriously?
26:14Okay.
26:15Fine.
26:16Thanks, son.
26:17I'll see you back at the house.
26:18See you back at the house.
26:23Here we go.
26:34It looks like it's just me and you then, mate.
26:40You broke him again!
26:43Dad, why have you sent me a petition to stop people feeding bread to the ducks in the park?
26:49Ugh, and why are you peeing with the door open again?
26:52Well, more then.
26:53Just that, how many times have I told you just closed the door?
26:56What did you say?
26:56Face the front.
26:58Well, I was facing the front until you started yabbering at me.
27:02Just, just...
27:04See how easy that is?
27:07Eh?
27:10Did you get the petition I forwarded to you about feeding the ducks bread?
27:15It has no nutritional value whatsoever.
27:20Eh?
27:26Hey, James, it's a long one, this.
27:34So I suppose you know where the only working phone charger is?
27:37I'm on 5%.
27:38Oh, I lent it to Beth.
27:39You lent it to Beth?
27:40Yes.
27:41Should you need a phone charger?
27:42I need a phone charger.
27:43Well, you'll have to call Beth.
27:46What day is it today?
27:48Monday.
27:48Monday.
27:50This Monday?
27:50Yes, Dad.
27:52Today is this Monday.
27:53You will be looking forward to your birthday on Saturday, eh?
27:58I booked a wee table at the New Italian.
28:01I told them on the phone I'd be having the lasagna.
28:04Well, you'll be eating alone, I'm afraid.
28:06Eh?
28:06Well, I just don't feel like there's much worth celebrating in my life right now.
28:09What do you mean?
28:10What do you mean?
28:11What do I mean?
28:12This isn't how I saw my life at 40.
28:14Living at home in Forest with my Dad, sleeping on a sofa bed in my childhood bedroom.
28:21Plus, Emily's with Tim now.
28:23I mean, what's he saying in him?
28:25What's he got that I don't?
28:26Well, he's got a house, he's got a car, he runs his own business.
28:30And of course, we've already mentioned he's got Emily.
28:33But I mean, a part of that.
28:34I just thought by 40 I'd be living in my terraced house in Notting Hill with my wife
28:40and maybe a little Richard running around.
28:42Are you saying that?
28:43Kids.
28:44Oh, right, right, right.
28:48Sally! Hi!
28:49No, I'm telling you, the smell is still here.
28:52Sally?
28:53Well, I don't know what it is, do I, Pippa?
28:54I'm not a cleaner.
28:55You're my assistant, you work it out.
28:57And do it somewhere else, please.
28:59I have to call Richard Pritchard.
29:01No, you have called me, Sally, it's Richard.
29:04Oh, God knows.
29:05I mean, I don't know why I'm bothered.
29:06There's never any offers for him.
29:08To be honest, I've stopped putting his name forward for things.
29:11Oh, the director mentioned me by name?
29:14Yes, maybe the smell is his career, dang.
29:16Ha!
29:16That's very good, Pippa.
29:17OK, let's get this over with.
29:21Uh, thanks, Sally.
29:23No, you take care.
29:26Good news, eh?
29:41Hi, I'm Tim Village.
29:43And I coach men to unlock their true potential.
29:46I truly believe that what starts in the gym ends with you nailing that presentation in the
29:51boardroom and getting the confidence to ask out that girl of your dreams.
29:54Oh boy, if you...
29:56So give me a follow if you want me to help transform your life.
29:59Because it takes more than a village, Tim Village.
30:04Oh, God, I followed him.
30:07Oh, no, no.
30:09Unfollow!
30:10Unfollow!
30:11No!
30:12Ah!
30:15Oh, God.
30:16Ah!
30:16Ah!
30:17Ah!
30:34Why?
30:34You alright?
30:37Do you know, I really believed I was going to be a successful and respected actor.
30:45What am I going to do with that? I'm completely broke.
30:50Well, maybe you could get yourself a real job.
30:55Exactly. There's nothing I can do.
31:00Listen son, if I've learnt anything over this past year,
31:04it's that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything.
31:08What you need is a wee part-time gig, you know, something to tidy over.
31:13Ian and Jen, they're looking for some help with the beastie.
31:16I'll be humiliating. My face is on the wall of fame.
31:20Yeah, you could maybe ask them and take your picture down.
31:24Are you kidding me? It's all about to show for my career.
31:27What else?
31:28Just think of it as a wee diversion, maybe, on the way to better things.
31:32Look at that Robert De Niro fella. He drove a taxi.
31:36Aye, whilst researching Taxi Driver for which he won an Oscar.
31:41Well, what about that other boy, the left-footed boy, played the Guilford Four.
31:45The president with the funny chin.
31:47Daniel D Lewis?
31:49Aye, that's him. He did lots of other things. He was a cobbler.
31:54I suppose when you look at it like that, I mean, I'm not comparing myself to Daniel D Lewis.
31:58Very wise.
32:00But, it wouldn't be like I was actually working there.
32:03It'd be more like a, what's it called, a sabbatical.
32:08You know, mixing with the salt of the earth.
32:11Filling up my inspiration cup.
32:13I would think of it more along the lines of filling up your bank account, maybe.
32:18Yeah, I do feel bad about not paying rent here.
32:20Ugh.
32:21No, no, honestly, I've been here for a while now and I want to contribute.
32:26So, don't argue.
32:27Okay.
32:31Maybe argue a wee bit if you.
32:34Drink your tea before it gets cold.
32:39Can I just say, what an honour it is for you to even consider the Beastie as your potential employer.
32:44Don't mention it.
32:45Erm, what would the shift pattern be?
32:49Shift pattern?
32:50What a lovely turn of phrase, Richard.
32:53Well, right now it would be Tuesday and Thursdays so that Jen and I can have our date night.
32:58Our marriage counsellors idea.
33:00She said we should introduce date nights to our marriage day.
33:03Give us a break from the norm.
33:04So, I'd be by myself behind the bar?
33:06Yeah, but we'd just be at one of those tables over there.
33:09Oh, you're having your date nights here?
33:11Best pub in Forest.
33:12Well, where else would we go?
33:14Right, fair comment.
33:16So, oh, do you have any previous bar experience?
33:19Eh, no.
33:21Not to worry.
33:22Next question.
33:23Tell me, what do you see here?
33:26Just say what you see.
33:27A moth.
33:28Funny looking moth.
33:30No, we were looking for Satan himself.
33:33Well, it's interpretive, isn't it?
33:35So, say during your shift, the pub catches fire.
33:38Now, you only have time to save one of us.
33:41So who do you save?
33:42Come on, that's a bit difficult.
33:44It's just a bit of fun.
33:45Yeah, there's no right or wrong answer.
33:47You know, I'll make it easy for you.
33:48I'm lying right by the door.
33:50Uh, okay, and where's Jen?
33:52She's in the cellar, trapped under a crate of Schweppes.
33:56Right, well, in that case, I'd save you, Ian, because you're by the door.
34:04What about Jen?
34:07Um, well, I know, but I just thought-
34:09You're burned to a crisp, Richard.
34:11I know, but-
34:12No, it's fine.
34:14I just didn't realise you felt that way about me.
34:16Oh, my love.
34:16No, if you'll excuse me.
34:17Oh, I'm sorry, Jen.
34:18No, I'm sorry.
34:19Please.
34:19Don't call me.
34:22Women and children, Richard.
34:24Everybody knows you saved them first.
34:25Why did you put yourself by the door?
34:27Don't you pin this on me.
34:28Well, just ask me again and I'll say I saved her.
34:30So I've burned to death now.
34:31What do you want me to say?
34:32Thank you for coming in, Mr. Pritchard.
34:36We'll be in touch.
34:39Actually, I work here, so you leave.
34:46Ah, yes, sir.
34:47What can I get?
34:56Who are you texting?
34:57Not that it's any of your business, but I'm asking Beth if she'd like to come to dinner
35:01on a Saturday.
35:02If you're adamant about being the right misery guts.
35:06I am.
35:07Well, could you turn off the sounds, at least?
35:11Eh?
35:12The ketones.
35:14The sounds of the letters.
35:17The noise you were just making.
35:19Right.
35:21Just press the button on your phone.
35:23What, on this phone?
35:24The phone?
35:24Yes, that phone.
35:27Well, can you hear that?
35:28Hear what?
35:29Ah, nice.
35:34Ketones silenced.
35:36Try to concentrate over here.
35:37It's alright with you.
35:38I'll just finish texting Beth.
35:40Is that alright?
35:40Mm-hmm.
35:42How do I get an aubergine emoji?
35:45Why?
35:46Because I want to tell her what I'm going to grow in my new greenhouse.
35:50Oh.
36:00Morning.
36:01Unbelievable.
36:09Hi.
36:10Just, I'm looking for some part-time work, is it?
36:13Oh, no.
36:25In the air.
36:27Hey, there.
36:28Swimming a few.
36:28That's it, neil.
36:29That's it.
36:30Right, okay.
36:30Right, okay.
36:31Okay.
36:34Okay.
36:43Think I might need some WD-40.
36:45Hi, how are you doing? I was just wondering if I could...
36:49Fine, thanks.
36:52Good. Yeah, I was just wondering if I could hand this in to someone.
36:55Get the manager.
36:56Great. Thank you.
37:02Hi. You're here for the job?
37:05Hi. Erm, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were hiring because there's a closing down sale sign in the
37:10window, but...
37:11Oh, yeah. It always says that. Draws people in. I can do an interview now if you have time.
37:17Er, yeah. Yeah.
37:19Wait. Do I recognise you?
37:21No. Well, I mean, er, I was on a TV show on Detective Manners. It was a bit of a
37:28Sunday night staple.
37:29You're the guy from the bed shop?
37:30Also, we might have met once in a bed shop.
37:32Do you and your dad just follow me around from job to job?
37:35Well, I think the question is why can you not hold down a job?
37:39Yeah, your question was better.
37:41Annoyingly, we are very short-staffed at the minute. Are you outdoorsy at all?
37:47Outdoorsy? I can't. Big time. You know, when I'm not indoors, I tend to be outdoors.
37:56Please, I really need this. I won't let you down. I promise.
38:03You do a probationary period for the rest of the week and take it from there.
38:08Seriously? Thank you.
38:10What's your name?
38:11Richard.
38:12We already have a Richard.
38:14Hi.
38:15You'll have to be Richard too. Richard, you're Richard One.
38:18Cool.
38:18Any questions?
38:19Can I be Richard One?
38:20No.
38:20Then no. No further questions.
38:46Richard.
38:47Oh.
38:48Hi.
38:49Just getting some reps in.
38:52Wow.
38:53So first you follow me on the socials, and now you're here for a consultation.
38:56Oh yeah, no. It's not that. It's just...
38:57Please, sit.
39:02So?
39:06Oh, um...
39:07Yeah, yeah. I'd like to get in shape.
39:12Hmm. I guess I'm interested, Richard. Can I call you Richard?
39:14Yes, my name.
39:15I guess I'm interested, Richard, in the first time you looked in the mirror and thought,
39:18Hey, who is that guy staring back at me? That's not the Richard I know.
39:23Well, there was this one time I got lost in the Hall of Mirrors.
39:25What I'm trying to get at is emotionally. Where are you at, man?
39:29Uh, I don't know. Living at home with my dad, which is tough.
39:36He started peeing with the door open, which isn't great.
39:39Uh, oh, can I just check something about the trainer, person in gym confidentiality deal?
39:44Oh, um, this is a safe space.
39:46Cool.
39:47Okay, so you're living at home with your dad. He's urinating publicly. Continue.
39:50Well, I'm only there because I lost my job.
39:53Well, it's not the only reason. I was a bit worried about him after we lost my mum.
39:56When did you lose your mum?
39:57Um, two and a bit years ago.
40:00Okay, let's just pause there.
40:06What was she called?
40:08Jean.
40:08Jean.
40:09She sounds incredible.
40:11I lost my dad last year. His name was Douglas.
40:15You see, Richard, we can only experience grief if first we experience love.
40:20Yeah, I think of a coaster that says roughly the same thing.
40:23The thing is, Richard, how do we move forward from that? Because all we've got is the future.
40:33What about the present?
40:35It's already in the past.
40:38What about now?
40:39It's gone.
40:41Right.
40:42No?
40:42It's gone.
40:43No?
40:43It's gone again.
40:44Yeah, no, I see what you're saying.
40:45What about, like, now?
40:46There is no now. It's just past, but that's the point I'm trying to make.
40:49So that's gone too?
40:50Yeah, it's gone, I'm afraid.
40:52Actually, I meant to ask, how on earth did you and Emily meet?
40:55Well, it's a very funny story, actually. Um, we met in a supermarket.
41:02That's the end of the story?
41:04Yeah, it's the end of it.
41:04She's a great gal.
41:05Yeah, she really is.
41:07Yeah, and you know what? You, my friend, are in luck.
41:09Because I actually have had a client drop out, so I do have a space on my transformation program.
41:15Okay, to be honest, Tim, if I can call you that, please. Money is a bit tight at the moment.
41:21Okay, well, I put it to you, Richard. How much is it costing you to stay the same?
41:27Well, actually, that's free.
41:29Okay, look, look, you're a friend of Emily's, and, um, I'm a big fan of hers, obviously.
41:34So, how about we just pro bono, whilst you get yourself back on your feet?
41:39What's stopping you now?
41:41I wish I knew.
41:44Welcome.
41:52Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Richard. Happy birthday to you.
42:04Thanks.
42:05Hip, hip!
42:06Hooray.
42:07Hip, hip!
42:08These are getting a bit soggy now.
42:09Hip, hip!
42:09Hooray, that's fine for now.
42:11Alright, yeah, please yourself.
42:13There you go.
42:20Oh, thanks, Dad. Genuinely.
42:22Now, eh, about the rent we talked about?
42:31Here, you have a wee ten after yourself.
42:34There you go.
42:37How's it feel about paying your own way again, eh? Eh? You're moving on up?
42:41Yeah.
42:43Look at your world.
42:56Oh, my God.
43:00Oh, my God.
43:01Oh, my God.
43:02Oh, my God.
43:07Oh, my God.
43:21I mean, that's Robson Green for you.
43:23When he teamed up with Jill Halfpenny, it felt like it was just a riot.
43:26I mean, they're real jokers.
43:28I don't know who any of these people are.
43:30They're my co-stars on Detective Manners.
43:32You did ask.
43:33No, I didn't.
43:34No.
43:35No, you didn't.
43:37It's my birthday today.
43:39I must be wanting to relive the glory days.
43:42Happy birthday.
43:43What are you, like, 40?
43:46Couldn't you have guessed lower?
43:47What are you doing for it?
43:48Nothing much.
43:49Keeping it low-key.
43:50Could you buy me and my mate some cider?
43:52What?
43:53Why can't you buy it?
43:54I'm 17.
43:55We'd let you have a can.
43:57We're hanging out at the duck pond later.
43:58Yeah, thanks, but I'm not spending my 40th with teenagers drinking cider at the duck pond.
44:03Right, Grandad, chill out.
44:04How you getting on, Richard, too?
44:06Settling in?
44:07Yeah.
44:07Richard, why haven't I shown you the ropes?
44:09No, I forgot we also sell ropes.
44:12Made any sales yet?
44:14Well, not yet, but I will.
44:16No time like the present.
44:17Richard!
44:20You work here.
44:22Me?
44:22I wouldn't have thought so.
44:23Yes, he does.
44:24Well, technically I do, but I'm actually just researching a role.
44:32It's like an outdoorsy, rugged type.
44:34It's called Campman.
44:38A campman?
44:38No, campman.
44:39Say it quickly.
44:40Campman!
44:42Richard here.
44:43I can help you with anything you're looking for today.
44:47Still waiting for your morning run data, Richard.
44:50Yeah, sorry.
44:51I forgot to download the app.
44:53So you're telling me you don't know your elevation gain?
44:56What are you two whispering about?
44:57Nothing.
44:59So, how can I help you?
45:01Well, we're going to Aviemore in a few weeks.
45:03I'm one of the 10k.
45:04And we just thought we'd do some wild camping afterwards, so we are looking for your best
45:08two-person tent.
45:09A two-person tent for you and Emily?
45:11No, for Ant and Dec.
45:13Did we not mention they were coming too?
45:15Well, actually, we're out of two-person tents.
45:17Ah.
45:19What about those?
45:20No, I wouldn't go near them.
45:21They're not up to it.
45:21Sorry, can I just...
45:22Is everything okay?
45:24We're looking for a two-person tent.
45:25Do you know what?
45:26We could go elsewhere.
45:26No, no need.
45:28Please follow me.
45:29We have some lovely two-person tents.
45:31Or have you considered these very roomy one-person tents?
45:36The customers have asked for a two-person tent.
45:38Yeah, I know.
45:39But these ones are...
45:41Buy one, go on free.
45:42No, they're not.
45:43I know they're not.
45:44Right, but they could be.
45:45Richard Two, why don't you pop into the back and do a quick stock take?
45:49Okay, you win.
45:50Right, 80% off.
45:51Final offer.
45:52Get out.
45:52What?
45:53You heard me.
45:54You're fired.
45:56Fine.
45:57Unbelievable.
46:01Just trying to get my jacket.
46:09Um, you just...
46:11Just trying to get my jacket.
46:13It's a little knack to it.
46:18Plenty of water on your hands.
46:20Just ease that clay out.
46:22When you feel you've made...
46:31You're too smart, you're too smart, is it?
46:33Not great, Dad.
46:38Everything okay?
46:40Okay.
46:41Bit nervous.
46:43Well, it's just a dinner with a nice lady who you've got a lot in common with.
46:47Ah.
46:49Will you come with me?
46:51No.
46:54Please?
46:56Absolutely not.
46:57I'm going to start her, then leaving.
46:59Okay?
47:00Hello, eh, table for Pritchard.
47:03Pritchard.
47:04One extra, I'm afraid.
47:06You made me come.
47:08I'm the man that called about the lasagna.
47:11Ah, yes, I remember you.
47:12The rest of your party's actually already here.
47:15Party?
47:22Oh, I'm going to kill you when we get home.
47:23If I don't kill myself first.
47:25Oh, don't be so dramatic.
47:31So, did you get a tent in the end?
47:33Oh, yeah.
47:34Thanks.
47:35I should get a 50% commission.
47:39What's funny?
47:41Just what Richard said.
47:43I do a humour.
47:46I can't believe we're all here.
47:48I had one foot out the door, and then all of a sudden, I just got so nervous.
47:53I'm glad you did too, Ken, and it wasn't just me.
47:57It's silly, isn't it?
47:59Definitely, I wish we could get rid of them now.
48:02I'll leave.
48:03Just sit where you are.
48:05How are you, Ken?
48:06Eamon Holmes.
48:07What?
48:07Yeah.
48:08Yeah, that will happen.
48:09I was watching an episode of Detective Manners today, Richard.
48:14You were in it.
48:15Right.
48:15Say again.
48:16No, you were just saying about...
48:18What about?
48:18I mean, Detective Manners.
48:19I don't boast, Richard.
48:21I'm not busting.
48:21Yes, it was the gay one, you know.
48:23The one where the gay woman kills the gay man because she's jealous he got to direct the play for
48:28the village fair.
48:29Well, yeah, but I don't think them being gay had anything to do with...
48:32Say again, sir.
48:32Don't mumble, Richard.
48:33I'm not mumbling.
48:35I am mumbling.
48:36Sorry about this.
48:37Carry on.
48:38What was that?
48:38What did you say?
48:39Oh, by the way, did you manage to gather all your ingredients for batch cooking tomorrow?
48:43Batch cooking.
48:45Oh, yeah.
48:47Maybe I shouldn't say.
48:49Say what?
48:51Richard has signed up as a new client.
48:54Richard has?
48:55What, this Richard?
48:56Oh, and remember, I need that video of you cooking.
49:00I'm not going to send you a video of me cooking.
49:02Look, Richard, I need that video because otherwise you can't be held accountable.
49:07And if I can't hold you accountable, then I can't help you transform for who you were to, well, to
49:12who you want to.
49:14Third one, B.
49:16Oh.
49:16Oh.
49:17Okay.
49:17Oh.
49:17Mm-hmm.
49:19I thought I needed, um, do you know what, Tim, you're a lovely guy, yeah, but I quit, right?
49:25It's not you, it's me.
49:26Well, it is a bit you, but, um, I think the problem is I thought I needed a plan B,
49:31but I just forgot that when you have a plan A, you just have to make it work.
49:35I mean, I shouldn't be selling tents, you know.
49:37You don't.
49:38You got fired.
49:39Oh, yeah, exactly.
49:40But no, no, that's exactly it because the universe knows that is not my path.
49:44My path is to find truth via performance.
49:47That's, that's what my path is.
49:49Yeah.
49:50I don't need a sabbatical.
49:51I need an audition and that is what, that is what I'm going to do.
49:54So, yeah.
49:56Cheers.
49:57Cheers to me.
49:58Just me, is it?
49:59That's all right.
49:59Right, okay, well, here is to life beginning at 40.
50:06You mean 42, right?
50:08What?
50:10I mean, how does this happen?
50:12I'm your only child, would it kill you to know how old I am?
50:15Don't blame me, I'm a pensioner.
50:17I want you the excuse.
50:18Well, every actor does it.
50:20You shave off a year or two.
50:21Yeah, well, I think you're meant to keep track of the actual number in your head.
50:24Let's just think about this logically, okay?
50:27When was 1984?
50:28I just don't believe this.
50:30I realise life begins at 40, at 42.
50:33Well, on the plus side, some people think life begins at 50, so less time to wait.
50:38If it cheers you up, Richard, I put your birthday into the Google machine.
50:42Oh, you know, on the online.
50:44And it said you have the same birthday as Audrey Hepburn.
50:47Yeah.
50:48Oh.
50:49And Michael Barrymore.
50:51Oh.
50:53What do you think happened there then, Richard?
51:06Iain?
51:07Jen?
51:12We've talked it through, and we see now.
51:15Although what you said was very hurtful.
51:17It was a hypothetical situation, and you didn't actually leave me to perish.
51:21No, of course not.
51:24Aye.
51:25Water under the bridge.
51:26Which would hopefully put out the fire.
51:29Now, in our look, we'd end up both drowning in the...
51:32Yeah.
51:34We deserve in that scenario, Richard.
51:38Just go, Richard.
51:39I'm sorry.
51:47Meera Sial, guest-starred in four episodes in total, and she's just a fantastic performer.
51:55Incredibly versatile.
51:58Buddy, buddy.
51:59Sorry.
52:00Can you not do that?
52:02It's got zero nutritional value for them.
52:05Who the hell is this guy?
52:07Me?
52:08Okay.
52:08Okay.
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