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Mock the Week - Season 22 - Episode 03
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21:46is Mott the Week mentioned in the Epstein files.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:50I'll point out, we're not mentioned in the Epstein files,
21:52unlike QI and 8 out of 10 cats. OK.
21:56Is it, what is the maximum speed Keir Starmer will drive in a 30?
22:01LAUGHTER
22:03Is it, how many prostate exams can you book in for
22:05before they get suspicious?
22:07LAUGHTER
22:07There's something up there. There's something up there.
22:11Just have it one more look.
22:13Not how that works, either.
22:15Just get the WD-40.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18Is it, at what age did I stop wearing gloves
22:21that were connected by a piece of string?
22:24LAUGHTER
22:25Is it, um, how many people actually got Covid?
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32Wow!
22:33Yeah, from the BBC, we say what we want on TLC.
22:37What have you been doing for three years?
22:39I'm going to shut off, it's been so nice, everyone, thank you.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42I've been in a cave in Royston.
22:44I've been online all the time for three years.
22:47You can put it, you don't catch it, because you use xenon gas.
22:51And WD-40, well, it's a conspiracy.
22:55Is it, what percentage of the Beatles have a parking app named after them?
22:59LAUGHTER
23:00Eh? Yeah.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03Yeah.
23:05APPLAUSE
23:06Wow.
23:07Paid by Phil McCartney was really pissed off.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:11Is it, er, how many people my dad thinks I'm talking about
23:15when I describe somebody using they, their pronouns?
23:18LAUGHTER
23:20Is it, what's Rhys James' inside leg?
23:22Yeah.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:25Is it, how old does Rhys James look?
23:29Unless you get very close to him.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:32Is it, how many ounces of bull semen I rub on my face every day
23:35to keep these?
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38Is it, how many months old did Dara lose his hair?
23:42Oh!
23:43I mean, I...
23:44You know he's bald, right?
23:46I was also born bald.
23:48I mean, I didn't just get it for, like, a year...
23:51Oh, OK.
23:52We get it.
23:52You're a scientist.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:59APPLAUSE
24:02Is it, how many seconds are there between Richard Attenborough
24:04saying welcome and to Jurassic Park?
24:08LAUGHTER
24:08Is it, how many days of my cottage cheese advent calendar
24:11remain unopened?
24:13LAUGHTER
24:15That's why you're not putting on muscle.
24:17Poor John.
24:19Is it, what channel number is TLC?
24:21What is TLC?
24:22Depending on which service you're on.
24:24Anything from 12 to 133.
24:27It's a wonderful journey every Sunday evening.
24:29Thank you for finding us.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32You must be weary, Traveller.
24:34Yeah.
24:34OK, rest your tired finger.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:40How many...
24:41No, I haven't finished yet.
24:43Still in the 70s.
24:44He's giving up with his WD-40.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48Is it, how many hours does it take my four-year-old son
24:50to eat a fucking sandwich?
24:53LAUGHTER
24:53Sorry, I've got problems at home.
24:54Yeah, we all get that.
24:56Is it, how many times during a haircut do I think,
24:58shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, I should not have become a hairdresser?
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02What comes after M in M25?
25:07OK, what is the actual question?
25:11This is what...
25:13How many Winter Olympics have there been?
25:14Correct!
25:15Thank you very much, Hugh.
25:16Well done!
25:18APPLAUSE
25:21Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many Winter Olympics have there been, including this one?
25:26The 25th Winter Olympics is underway in Milan, Cortina, and will feature 2,900 athletes from 90 countries competing in
25:32116 events.
25:33So have you all been watching the festival of sliding in gravity?
25:37It's a lot more dangerous than the normal Olympics, isn't it?
25:40It really is, yeah.
25:40There's so much more jeopardy.
25:42Instantaneously dangerous.
25:43It's crazy.
25:44The normal Olympics is like, oh, how far can you jump into this sand pit?
25:47This is like, prepare for the icy slide of death.
25:51We now sent you over a cliff.
25:52You weren't expecting that, were you?
25:54Yeah, yeah.
25:55The equivalent would be if the Summer Olympics, if the 100 metres was on, like, the top of a skyscraper
25:59that was exactly 100 metres wide.
26:01And they were being chased by a lion.
26:03Yeah.
26:03And then, and now we shall pour washing-up liquid all over the planet.
26:08Ready to go, oh!
26:10A lot of it is a, oh!
26:12Element to it all, yeah.
26:13The athletes from around the world, including two athletes from Greenland who are taking part in the biathlon, which is
26:19the one where you ski and shoot.
26:20And because they're here, Greenland is undefended.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26There's an actual competitive skiing and shooting at the same time?
26:29Yeah, absolutely.
26:30Well, not that you do stuff.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:34You do shoot.
26:35I don't know what you should.
26:36Targets.
26:36You shoot targets, yeah.
26:37What do you think would you shoot?
26:38Elk.
26:39Elk.
26:40I mean, I think that would be more interesting.
26:41But they don't do like that with figure skating and stuff, do they?
26:43No, no, no.
26:44You don't have to pick them off like that.
26:45You don't have to pick them off like that.
26:47You'll just spin really fast while shooting at targets.
26:49Yeah.
26:49Then you're really dizzy.
26:50It's like, don't kill anyone.
26:52Yeah.
26:52Oh, she's praying wildly.
26:56What have ski jumpers at this year's Games been warned against doing?
26:59Enlarging their penises.
27:01Enlarging their penises.
27:02Because it actually makes you better at ski jumping.
27:05Whereas in the hurdles...
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09Yeah, they've been injecting, like, acid or something.
27:11It's hyaluronic acid.
27:12Hyaluronic acid, right?
27:13And I read it because it's dangerous because apparently there's loads of side effects if you do this,
27:16to try and increase the size of your penis.
27:18Like, apparently, some of the side effects.
27:19Um, memory loss.
27:22Um...
27:22LAUGHTER
27:24But it is...
27:25It's also...
27:26It is also...
27:27APPLAUSE
27:29Hugh, let them finish the most reluctant round of a plausible title.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:35Hyaluronic acid is also the active ingredient in lots of anti-aging things.
27:39Yes, it is.
27:39It has L'Oreal and will tell you, right?
27:41Yeah.
27:42So not only does it give you a bigger penis, it takes years off it.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46That's why...
27:46It's much less wrinkly.
27:48That's why I feel sorry for penises, because they're born looking old.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:52Much like myself.
27:55So, yeah, hyaluronic acid and paraffin.
27:58So it does sound so dangerous.
28:00Like, it does sound kind of like you don't want to do.
28:01But apparently you only have to gain, like, a couple of inches.
28:03Because this is, again, a science thing for you.
28:05I can have...
28:06This one I did look up.
28:07An aerodynamic thing.
28:08So they think only...
28:09Because last Olympics they got in trouble for just, like, opening their groins a couple of centimetres,
28:14like the costumes a little bit.
28:15Yeah.
28:16Apparently, just like an inch or something, and then you can gain feet and feet when you actually...
28:19You get 2.8 metres per centimetre of cloth.
28:22Essentially, the aim is to be as much like a flying squirrel as possible.
28:26Yeah.
28:26Like a famously well-hung animal.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:30I don't understand this news story.
28:32What is a penis?
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36It's horrible.
28:37You wouldn't like it.
28:39I couldn't believe it when I heard the words acid.
28:41Because I guess if you're trying to get rid of a body, you have to be really specific about which
28:44acid you're using.
28:45Otherwise, you stood over a bath being like, it's not dissolving and the dick is getting bigger.
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51It would be the most flattering doping test to be called in before, though, wouldn't it?
28:54Just going, oh, come with me, big boy, we've got to check out what's going on there.
28:57This sounds like an excuse men would give, too.
29:00They're like, no, no, no, mine's big enough, I'm just doing it for my country.
29:03Yeah.
29:04And it's caused all this scandal.
29:05Some people are calling it Penisgate, which I thought was a nice name for, like, that bit at the Y
29:11-fronts.
29:12Oh, yeah.
29:13I thought that was the Penisgate.
29:15I never thought you referred to it as Penisgate.
29:18Oh, just popped out the Penisgate.
29:20Can you close the Penisgate?
29:21Yeah.
29:22But it's not only...
29:23Presumably it's not only ski jumping.
29:24I would have thought penising laser must help me in the pole vault.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28It would be the opposite.
29:30You need a shrinking injection in the pole vault.
29:32Yeah, you need to really...
29:32You wouldn't need a pole vault.
29:33You need to ice pack your...
29:34LAUGHTER
29:36But now they're doing it by measuring, like, the bottom, like, how far your genitals go down.
29:41Right, so surely this benefits elderly men with their drooping balls.
29:44Yeah.
29:45And every ski jumper should just be 90 years old.
29:48They wouldn't weigh nothing.
29:49They would fly through the Everest.
29:51Please, please.
29:52That's a picture of Captain Tom.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:57Why has Elon Musk been in the news this week?
29:59He wants to launch a million satellites.
30:02Yes, he does.
30:02Into space.
30:03He does.
30:04For, like, AI centres, and he wants them all to be solar-powered, because he's a light supremacist.
30:08LAUGHTER
30:10But it does feel like a bit of a distraction if you have just been announced in the Epstein files,
30:13doesn't it?
30:14Just going, look up there, there's a million satellites!
30:18It is, Dara.
30:19Sorry to bombard you with science questions, but how can they be solar-powered in space when it's dark?
30:23Oh.
30:24LAUGHTER
30:24The sun's there.
30:26Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in space.
30:28Yeah.
30:28He tweeted, he went, it's always sunny in space.
30:31It's, like, specifically not.
30:32It's pitch black.
30:33Why is it never blue sky on the map?
30:34Why is space black, Dara?
30:36Hello, Dara.
30:36Hello, Dara.
30:37Hello, Dara.
30:38Hello, Dara.
30:39Why won't you tell us?
30:40It's not a secret.
30:41I'm not keeping it from you.
30:43And it's not like I've been sworn to secrecy on this one.
30:46I'm not even going, they're on to us, they're on to us.
30:49And there's an engine running and Brian Cox in the car going, come now, come now!
30:53I don't know.
30:54This is a bit like a filibuster.
30:56Yeah, you still have a filibuster.
30:57That's the answer for questions.
30:58It's not night time in space.
31:00No, so it sort of follows the trajectory of the sun.
31:03So you can arrange it so it's always on the sunny side, isn't that right?
31:05You could.
31:07Or they just get...
31:08They're batteries, eh?
31:09And they just get lit when they go around.
31:10It doesn't explain why it's dark in space.
31:12It's day.
31:13The space is...
31:14Yeah, but the space, when you're in space, you can see that the sun is still there.
31:16What time is it in space?
31:17Oh, my God.
31:18LAUGHTER
31:29OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Glen, Hugh and Sarah!
31:36APPLAUSE
31:39Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
31:50Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
31:53In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
31:55this is a chance for our performers to compete to outdo each other
31:57with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
32:00Would anyone care to start us off?
32:02I'll start.
32:02Go on.
32:03So, I have therapy and I was telling my therapist
32:06about how I was bullied at school and she asked me to describe it
32:09and then she said,
32:10Oh, that's not bullying, you just weren't liked.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:16Pretty bad, darling.
32:18Oh, my God!
32:19Pretty bad.
32:19That's amazing!
32:21Did she say that whilst flushing your head down the toilet?
32:25LAUGHTER
32:26That's how she cleans away my tears at the end of the session.
32:29You think that's bad?
32:30My therapist actually recommended I quit doing stand-up
32:33in a YouTube comment about six months before we met.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:38I've started going to therapy because I've got anger issues
32:40and I'm working, I get really angry about stuff that doesn't matter,
32:42but I already know where I get it from.
32:44I get it from my biological father,
32:45who's a really angry guy, my biological father.
32:47The main thing he gets angry about is that he raised me my whole life
32:49and he's my normal dad but I still call him that for a laugh.
32:53If you think that's bad, I recommended Harold Shipman
32:56to be ambassador to Morocco.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00You think that's bad?
33:01My husband stopped listening to Joe Rogan because he thought he was too woke.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:06If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop to buy a cauliflower
33:11but I accidentally bought a cabbage
33:13and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:19LAUGHTER
33:23When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:27Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer, I'll give it one more layer
33:30and not be in here.
33:32And I really wish I was a good enough comedian to have made that up.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:37That is very bad but that's sort of bad in vegetables.
33:40I think this is worse.
33:41My son towed four the other day and some of the parents
33:43were sort of standing around at the party chatting
33:45and that's how I found out I'm supposed to have been making him brush his teeth.
33:48Oh!
33:49I thought that was something we all sort of did for ourselves.
33:51I was supposed to have been shoving a toothbrush in his mouth every day.
33:54You thought there was an instinct that kicked in.
33:57It's had teeth for ages.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:00I can't wait to hear how shitty your therapist is about this.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:05I'll tell you what's really good for cleaning your teeth.
34:08What?
34:08WD-40.
34:10LAUGHTER
34:11That's why my teeth are so clean.
34:13I'm hanging out with you-know-who.
34:16You think that's bad? I was a really small child, can you guess?
34:19No, were you?
34:20Yeah, exactly.
34:21I was.
34:21I was a small child.
34:23Go fuck yourself.
34:24LAUGHTER
34:26But my mum used to measure mine and my brother's heights
34:28by marking it on the kitchen door frame every six months
34:30to see how much we'd grown and mine stayed the same for so long
34:33people would come round and assume I had died.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:38You know, as you get older, you get more hair.
34:41You get hair in strange places.
34:42I plucked a nose hair the other day and my tonsils came out with it.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:49You know, plucking a nose hair, it can actually break a nose
34:52if you don't ask the person first.
34:55LAUGHTER
34:56And I'll give it round.
34:57The poets go to Therese and Catarat!
35:01APPLAUSE
35:03Now we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See,
35:06so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
35:08I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
35:11can come up with.
35:12OK, here we go.
35:13The first subject is...
35:15Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
35:18It's happened.
35:19They've risen from the dead.
35:20And now they're here to mock more weeks.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:27We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
35:29We need you to befriend a nonce.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:36The terrorists have seized the President and taken him hostage
35:39and since then, everything's felt quite lovely.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:47Finally, we meet, Bond.
35:49I just need to finish my interpretive dance and I'll be able to do it.
35:54LAUGHTER
36:01I am Thanos.
36:04The talking bookcase from Ikea.
36:12The calls are coming from inside the house.
36:15We have a landline?
36:17LAUGHTER
36:20My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.
36:23Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife
36:25and ambassador for men's mental health.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:32I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy telling him to put the fucking toilet seat down.
36:39LAUGHTER
36:43They say the killer comes from a musical theatre background.
36:46And they could be among us as we speak.
36:49LAUGHTER
36:52I've come here from the dying alien planet of Krypton to save mankind.
36:56Which, on reflection, is not something I should have told the ICE agent.
37:01LAUGHTER
37:06How have I shit myself this badly?
37:11If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
37:15The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
37:19LAUGHTER
37:23I'm ready for the revolution.
37:24And I've brought the wavy vanilla ice cream between layers of crisp chocolate.
37:28Sorry, V for Vendetta.
37:30LAUGHTER
37:36And you see, the thing is, he's got those cold, lifeless eyes,
37:40black eyes like dolls' eyes,
37:42and then you hear that horrible high-pitched
37:44blibby-blobby-blobby!
37:46LAUGHTER
37:51My love, Cinderella has left this shoe behind,
37:55so now I need every woman in the kingdom to show me her feet.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:02What do you mean?
38:03It's a completely normal plan.
38:08Some say you can still hear the farmer who used to live here
38:11milking the cows in the middle of the night.
38:13So if anyone hears anything that sounds like that,
38:15that's what it is, OK?
38:20Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
38:23I'm sorry, Dara.
38:25I can't do that.
38:32How long does it take you to defuse a bomb?
38:34I don't know, about ten minutes.
38:35You've got 30 seconds!
38:37All right, then I can't.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:43I still can't do that, Dara.
38:51Well, I'm here with my friends.
38:53There's a lion, he would like some courage,
38:56and there's a scarecrow, and he would like a brain.
38:59And then there's a tin man,
39:00and he would like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his joints.
39:04LAUGHTER
39:05LAUGHTER
39:10No, no, no.
39:15I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
39:17asking him to notice that my hair is a completely different
39:20fucking colour today.
39:25I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy,
39:29realising it's a mirror and that gender is a social construct.
39:33LAUGHTER
39:36Not the week has changed!
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40Well, yeah, of course I spent my money
39:41populating this place with dinosaurs.
39:43What else is a billionaire supposed to do with an island?
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48You think Slytherin's bad?
39:49The sorting hat put Hermione in reform.
39:52LAUGHTER
39:56OK, the next topic is...
39:58Chat up lines that won't work.
40:02Hey, girl, are you the film The Notebook?
40:03Cos it seems everyone's touched by you, except for me.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:11No, don't be put off, I don't normally walk like this.
40:14The last guy I slept with was a ski jumper.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:22Can you iron?
40:25LAUGHTER
40:30Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
40:32I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
40:38If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I,
40:43and then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
40:50The room just lit up when you walked in.
40:53I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
40:56LAUGHTER
40:57LAUGHTER
41:02Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:05Cos I want to take you back to my place
41:06and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:15My ex-girlfriend used to call me The Horse
41:18on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:22LAUGHTER
41:23I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
41:27That noise, that's Dara Breen crying because the stars are in the wrong place.
41:32LAUGHTER
41:37Wow.
41:38God must have taken the day off after making you, cos you seem like a lot of work.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:44LAUGHTER
41:50Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? Cos you're the only 10IC.
41:53No? Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania? Cos you've made my Pennsylvania on social media.
41:59LAUGHTER
42:01LAUGHTER
42:05Forgive me, forgive me.
42:06Theresa has actually tried that one on me.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:10Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:13I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:15What do you think of just Andrew?
42:18LAUGHTER
42:21I say most men can't even find it, but I can.
42:24The lost kingdom of Shambhala.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
42:31I come with a little toy.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:38Look, I don't care that you have a son. I...
42:41Yeah, I know, Rhys.
42:43LAUGHTER
42:44LAUGHTER
42:49I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
42:53I only escaped this morning.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:01You might be eligible for compensation.
43:06I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:08LAUGHTER
43:12Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?
43:17LAUGHTER
43:19Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:20Because you're the only ten I see.
43:22No?
43:23Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:24Because you should have this Virginia.
43:27LAUGHTER
43:29APPLAUSE
43:31Come on, don't be silly.
43:33You pay.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:37If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:40Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:43LAUGHTER
43:48Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
43:52LAUGHTER
43:55All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
43:57cos it gets to touch your... Ah, she's gone.
43:59LAUGHTER
44:00LAUGHTER
44:02You know, they call me the stallion.
44:04At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:06while Claire Balding commentates.
44:09At the end of that round, of course,
44:11it's going to be Sarah, Reece and Catherine!
44:14APPLAUSE
44:15And that's the end of the show.
44:17This week's winners are...
44:19Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:23Commiserations to Catherine Lyon,
44:25Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth.
44:29I'm Daryl Breen.
44:30Good night.
44:42APPLAUSE
44:45We are the body
44:48We are the body
44:51The piece of the world
44:52The piece of the world
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