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Jimmy Kimmel Live - Season 24 - Episode 10: Martin Short, Jackson White
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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Martin Short and Jackson White
00:08with the Kletos!
00:11And now, Jimmy Kimmel!
00:15Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:33Thank you for watching, and you're home.
00:36Thank you for joining us here in Hollywood.
00:39Please relax, relax.
00:40I'm going to say for once, for one time,
00:43for once, we've got some, thank you,
00:46some happy news to report from our nation's capital,
00:49where for the first time since 1870,
00:52the second couple, the vice president and his wife,
00:54are having a baby. They have a baby on the way.
00:57J.D. Vance and his wife Usha announced
00:59they are expecting a baby in July.
01:03The baby is a boy and will stay a boy forever.
01:08The president congratulated the couple.
01:11Oh, he didn't? No, he didn't.
01:13Not publicly, anyway.
01:14They have to name the baby Donald, right?
01:16I mean, it has to be Donald Jr. Jr. or whatever.
01:20This will be the Vance's fourth child.
01:23I'm surprised. I mean, where does he find the energy
01:26to make another kid with all that sexy White House furniture around?
01:30It's incredible.
01:31Little-known fact, the only birth control J.D. Vance uses
01:34is a pull-out couch.
01:38But congratulations to them.
01:41It's very exciting.
01:42You know, between Trump and this newborn,
01:45J.D. Vance is going to be changing a lot of diapers
01:47over the next three years.
01:48The vice president did not join his boss baby
01:51for the big economic forum in Davos today.
01:54The president is in Switzerland
01:56to finally put a stop to this rip-off cheese
01:58they've been sending us full of holes.
02:00Full of holes.
02:01And also to bully them into handing over Greenland.
02:04Last night, Bluffleupagus boarded a flight to Davos
02:07to meet with many of his fellow world leaders
02:10who came into this meeting highly concerned he might kill NATO
02:14and possibly even start World War III.
02:16This will be an interesting trip.
02:18I have no idea what's gonna happen,
02:21but you are well represented.
02:23Thank you very much.
02:24Oh, good. He's gonna wing it.
02:26That's...
02:27All he knows for sure going there
02:30is that there's McDonald's on the plane.
02:32That's it.
02:33Then, uh, they had to turn his plane around
02:35due to what they called a minor electrical issue,
02:37which occurred after the president ignored multiple requests
02:40to stop blow-drying his hair while his bowl of Hooters hot wings
02:44was in the microwave.
02:45But then it was off to Switzerland again
02:48where he rolled into Davos like a bull in a China shop.
02:51The room was jam-packed for Trump's speech.
02:55They reportedly had to turn away a number of heads of state
02:59because there was not enough room.
03:01It was can't-stand-him room only at this thing.
03:04Those who did get in enjoyed an all-you-can-eat buffet of buffoonery.
03:08These speeches really are something to behold.
03:10They will be studied for many, many decades to come.
03:13It was not what you might call a charm offensive.
03:16It was offensive, yes, but very little charm.
03:20You know, he loves bragging about our American contributions
03:24during World War II as if he had anything to do with that.
03:28Trump didn't help win World War II.
03:30His dad didn't help win World War II.
03:32His grandfather, none of them served.
03:34He comes from a long line of vagina-necked men with bone spurs.
03:38And I'll tell you something.
03:42The soldiers, the troops who did win the war,
03:46for them, he cut funding to the VA.
03:48So do with that what you will.
03:50And yet still, he had the audacity to tell our allies in Europe
03:54they should be thanking us.
03:56But we saved Greenland.
03:58We want it big.
03:59Without us, right now you'd all be speaking German
04:03and a little Japanese, perhaps.
04:06Okay, so anyone want to guess what the predominant language in Switzerland is?
04:09That's right, it's German.
04:11They are speaking German.
04:12And maybe a little Japanese. I don't know.
04:15Somewhere in the Texas brush,
04:17George W. Bush is laughing his ass off right now.
04:19Trump berated the leaders of the world for an hour and ten minutes.
04:24Pure nonsense.
04:24And in case you're wondering if he forgot to rant about windmills
04:29during that hour and ten minutes, good news.
04:31He got that in, too.
04:32The greatest hoax in history.
04:35The Green News scam.
04:36Windmills all over the place.
04:37They don't spin.
04:38They don't do anything.
04:39They kill the birds.
04:40They ruin your landscapes.
04:41Every time that goes around, you lose $1,000.
04:44There are windmills all over the place.
04:47And they are losers.
04:51Imagine having to translate that.
04:55Did he say the windmills are losers?
04:58What did they lose?
05:00The real reason Donald Trump hates windmills
05:02is because whenever he's near one, he ends up like this.
05:06And then...
05:08And then he went back to his main topic, which is Greenland.
05:12Greenland, Greenland, Greenland.
05:14He said,
05:14Greenland is not even land.
05:16It's a big, beautiful piece of ice.
05:18And he should know.
05:19He's been married to one of those for 20 years.
05:22Trump claims the safety of the world
05:25depends on the United States owning Greenland,
05:28which he repeatedly confused with Iceland.
05:32He called Greenland Iceland four different times.
05:35I'm helping NATO, and until the last few days,
05:39when I told them about Iceland, they loved me.
05:43They called me daddy, right, last time?
05:46Very smart man said, he's our daddy.
05:49I think you heard that wrong.
05:50They called you fatty.
05:52And your ears changed it to a D.
05:57Here's a little tip to help you remember, Mr. President.
05:59Greenland is covered in ice,
06:01and Iceland is what you're turning Minneapolis into, okay?
06:06His recall is not so great these days.
06:08You know, he keeps saying he stopped eight wars.
06:10One of the wars that he claims that he stopped
06:13was between Armenia and Azerbaijan,
06:15which means he has now stopped so many wars
06:18he can't even pronounce them all.
06:19I settled eight other wars, India, Pakistan.
06:23I mean, I settled other wars that were
06:25Vladimir Putin called me,
06:28Armenian,
06:30Aber,
06:31Bajan.
06:32So close.
06:33You know, that's especially concerning
06:35because Azerbaijan is one of the country's names
06:38he used to be able to pronounce.
06:41Azerbaijan.
06:42Azerbaijan.
06:43Azerbaijan.
06:44Azerbaijan.
06:46Azerbaijan.
06:46Azerbaijan.
06:46Azerbaijan.
06:47Buckle in, folks.
06:48We're at DementiaCon 5.
06:50Trump then continued with this.
06:54He went on to brag that if American troops
06:57invaded Greenland,
06:58we would be unstoppable.
07:00And I agree,
07:01our Green Berets would have no trouble
07:03overpowering four walruses
07:05and an old man in a lighthouse.
07:06The good news, if there was any,
07:08is that Trump did announce that he's not planning
07:11to take Greenland by force.
07:13We never asked for anything.
07:16And we never got anything.
07:18We probably won't get anything unless I decide
07:21to use excessive strength and force
07:23where we would be, frankly, unstoppable.
07:27But I won't do that.
07:30Okay?
07:31Now everyone's saying,
07:32oh, good.
07:33That's probably the biggest statement I made
07:36because people thought I would use force.
07:38I don't have to use force.
07:39I don't want to use force.
07:40I won't use force.
07:42All the United States is asking for
07:45is a place called Greenland.
07:47Right.
07:47Is that too much to add?
07:50A place called Greenland?
07:51I mean, all we want is your entire place
07:54and its resources.
07:55But that's it.
07:56That's not the...
07:57What is the big deal?
07:58It's Greenland.
07:59It's not like we're asking for Disneyland.
08:02It's so crazy.
08:04This is a notification I got on my phone today.
08:06Trump says he will not use force to acquire Greenland.
08:09I just want you to imagine yourself reading this
08:11even just a year ago.
08:13Read it.
08:13You'd assume it was the onion or something.
08:15It was...
08:15Now it's our daily reality.
08:17Now when this happens,
08:18the stock market goes up.
08:20You know, people sometimes ask
08:21why our comedy show is all politics now.
08:24I would argue that politics is all comedy now.
08:27The politics...
08:30We didn't go to them.
08:31They came to us.
08:38I met Mr. Toyota.
08:40I said, what's your name?
08:40Toyota.
08:42I said, oh, Emmanuel.
08:44He said, no, no, no.
08:45Do not do this.
08:47No, no, no, Donald.
08:48I will not do that.
08:49No, no, Donald.
08:50I will do it.
08:50No, no, no.
08:51I will not do it.
08:52No, no, no.
08:53I will not do it.
08:54She said, no, no, no.
08:55You cannot do that.
08:56No, no, no, please.
08:57You cannot do it.
08:58No, no, no.
08:59You're rich.
08:59Yes, yes, I'm rich.
09:01And she just rubbed me the wrong way, I'll be honest with you.
09:05The right way to rub Trump is with bacon grease, just for future records.
09:10So then after the speech, demanding Greenland, he got nowhere.
09:15He said, give me Greenland.
09:16And everybody said, no, we're not doing this.
09:18So Trump did what he always does.
09:20He declared victory.
09:21He announced that he now has a concept of a deal on Greenland.
09:25The deal is going to be put out pretty soon, and you will see.
09:29It's right now a little bit in progress, but pretty far along.
09:33It gets us everything we needed to get.
09:35Does it still include the United States having ownership of Greenland like you've said you wanted?
09:41Uh, it's a long-term deal.
09:44That's right.
09:45After all the bullying, the threats, all the anguish we cause, all the alliances we damage,
09:52all the we must own Greenland demands, we reach an agreement that is in all probability
09:57nearly identical to the agreement we already made back in 1951.
10:01And that is the art of the deal, folks.
10:04No one solves a problem that he manufactured completely on his own better than Donald J.
10:10Trump.
10:10This whole thing has been so erratic, so out of control.
10:17Even Joe Biden came out of mothballs to make a rare public statement today.
10:22I'm staying in a race.
10:26I think he might win this time. I don't know.
10:29And then literally minutes after announcing his mysterious deal,
10:32the president took time from 6,000 miles away to continue his war on talk shows.
10:38He shared this story about how his minions at the FCC are planning to make it difficult for shows like
10:43ours and The View
10:44to interview politicians they don't align with.
10:48For real, we are once again getting threatened by the FCC.
10:50I might need your help again.
10:52OK?
10:56And I might...
11:00And he's also...
11:04He's also back to lashing out at Canada.
11:06He said a lot of things about Canada.
11:08He said Canada only lives because of the United States.
11:11And they're not taking his threats lightly.
11:14The first time in more than 100 years, the Canadian military's been preparing for an invasion by us.
11:21Our closest friend and neighbor is preparing for the possibility of being attacked by the United States.
11:27This is...
11:28This is like Seinfeld buying a gun to keep Kramer out of his apartment.
11:32And as the honorary mayor of Dildo Newfoundland, I feel an obligation to roundly condemn the president's reckless words directed
11:40against my adopted constituents.
11:42And I hereby order my fellow Dildoians to make ready the Dildo Trading Post.
11:47Be there. I will join you at sunrise. We will not be silenced.
11:51You know...
11:57I really am the mayor of Dildo, in case you were wondering.
12:00You know, Martin Short is here tonight. We may have...
12:08We may have to deploy the three amigos on this one.
12:12I mentioned this last night. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of this four-year nightmare number two.
12:18The last 12 months have been...
12:20It's like the whole world's trying to raise a toddler together.
12:23You want to see what he's done to us?
12:24This was Guillermo on the day Trump took office.
12:28And look at him now. Look at that.
12:33He still looks pretty good.
12:34Yeah, he still looks amazing.
12:36He should worry more.
12:37And in honor of his anniversary, I invited President Trump to appear on our show tonight.
12:42FCC be damned.
12:44Unfortunately, his head was unavailable to talk, but we were able to book another part of his body.
12:50So please welcome President Trump's badly bruised right hand, everybody.
12:55Hello.
12:56Hello, President's hand.
12:58Hello, America.
13:00It's me.
13:01In the flesh.
13:02The rotting, diseased flesh.
13:04Yes, I noticed that huge black and blue you have on your hand.
13:08Oh, you can see that?
13:10Yes, clearly I can see it.
13:12Hold on.
13:12Let me apply some subtle foundation.
13:18I just shellacked this stuff on here.
13:20Uh-huh.
13:21Shellacked!
13:21That's an old-fashioned word, but we love to say it, don't we, folks?
13:25We do love to say it, yes.
13:26Okay, so you just put Cheez Whiz on your hand, huh?
13:29Yeah, and then they powder me like a donut.
13:31Okay.
13:32And bing-bong-bing, sexiest hand alive.
13:35It looks great.
13:35You look great.
13:36And by the way, can the President hear us right now?
13:39No, no, no.
13:39He's in an extremely important meeting that requires deep concentration and laser focus.
13:46So he's sleeping is what you're saying.
13:48That's right.
13:48He's sleeping like a baby hippo.
13:50Oh, yeah.
13:52Hush little baby.
13:53Okay, well, if this isn't a good time, we could always...
13:55Oh, no, no, no.
13:55This is the perfect time.
13:56Whenever he's taking a televised siesta, we usually have me sign some executive orders.
14:02Oh, all right.
14:03Okay, now, what...
14:06May I ask, what did you just sign?
14:08A ban on hands gender for everyone.
14:12Did you say hands gender?
14:13Oh, yeah.
14:14Your kid goes to school, all righty.
14:16They come home a lefty.
14:18Disgusting.
14:18Can't make this stuff up.
14:20Yeah, that's just...
14:21Oh, it's snack time.
14:22Marco, Marco.
14:23Hot dog.
14:23Hot dog, Marco.
14:25Oh.
14:26Oh.
14:27Oh.
14:28Mmm.
14:28Call me Haitian, because I love eating dogs.
14:32Now.
14:33Now, first of the President.
14:34Let's watch that down with a big, beautiful Diet Mountain Dew.
14:38I thought we decided we weren't going to talk about the cats eating you.
14:41Oh, wow.
14:42That is amazing.
14:43How is that possible?
14:45Nobody knows, Jimmy.
14:47Uh-huh.
14:47What I do know is the Trump administration has accomplished more than any other president
14:53in history, including Sleepy Joe and Gay-braham Lincoln.
14:58He was so gay.
14:59Oh.
15:00Tariffs, so good.
15:01Inflation, so low.
15:03Uh-huh.
15:03We just had a fantastic jobs report.
15:06Oh, no.
15:06Actually, the tariffs have not been good, and the inflation is still very high, and the jobs
15:10report was not fantastic.
15:12Maybe for human jobs, but for hand jobs...
15:17So big.
15:18There are so many hand jobs.
15:20We gotta beat them off.
15:21Hey-ya!
15:21Okay, I thank you.
15:22You know what?
15:23Mr. President, I feel like you're trying to distract us from the fact that you still
15:26haven't released the Epstein files.
15:28When is that...
15:29When is that gonna happen?
15:31Now, now, now.
15:33We will release.
15:34There will be a full release as soon as everybody gets their hand jobs.
15:39Hey-ya!
15:39Hey-ya!
15:40Thank you for your time, President's Hand.
15:43This has been illuminating, and we do appreciate it.
15:46Oh, any time.
15:46Any time.
15:47I'm well-connected, by the way.
15:49You want to interview my friend Kankle?
15:52Oh, you know what?
15:53No.
15:54That's all right.
15:54He's got big, beautiful bone spurs.
15:56Hey-ya, thank you so much.
15:58You're lost.
15:58Marco, more hot dogs!
15:59Marco!
16:00Get him in there!
16:01Get him in there!
16:02From Tell Me Lies.
16:04Jackson White is here.
16:06We'll be right back with Martin Short.
16:08Let's get the round.
16:18Hi there.
16:19Tonight, you know him from the big hit show Tell Me Lies.
16:22Jackson White is with us.
16:24Tomorrow night, we've, um...
16:27The judges from American Idol will be here.
16:29Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie, and Carrie Underwood,
16:32plus Mike Epps and music from Men at Work.
16:34So please join us for that.
16:36Our first guest tonight needs no introduction,
16:38but he always gives me one to read anyway.
16:40He is ultra-talented.
16:42Some even say heroic.
16:43He is a highly successful and award-winning actor
16:46and comedian whom you can see alongside
16:48the lesser-known Steve Martin and Selena Gomez
16:51in Only Murders in the Building.
16:53Watch season five on Hulu now.
16:55Please welcome Martin Short.
17:07gymnast Howard!
17:08Come on!
17:10Good morning.
17:10Good morning.
17:12What are you悲劇�?
17:21Come?
17:23Come on!
17:25The NBA?
17:26Come on!
17:27Thank you!
17:33Please.
17:34Don't they understand I'm just like them?
17:39Stop loving me. Thank you.
17:40Well, it is always a thrill, not just for the audience,
17:43but for me, the host, to have you here.
17:46Thank you for coming.
17:46Well, I'm thrilled to be here, you know?
17:49And I'm so excited. I love this show.
17:50Are you the Jimmy that plays the games?
17:53I am, yes.
17:54You are?
17:54Yeah. No, I'm not, actually.
17:56That's a different guy, but...
17:58Actually, I was shocked when they asked me to do the show
18:01because, you know, I had no idea you were back on the air.
18:06I got back on, yeah. You didn't know that?
18:09No, I didn't.
18:09I could have sworn I told you.
18:10No, but you wouldn't...
18:11Remember, I don't listen so much.
18:13Oh, right. That's probably what it was.
18:14No, I love it. You know what I love the show?
18:16This show is like getting a colonoscopy.
18:18In what way?
18:19Well, you have to do it once a year under sedation,
18:23so you might as well do it with a smile.
18:28Just to get this straight,
18:29you're getting a colonoscopy once a year?
18:31Yeah.
18:32Yeah.
18:33That's too many times.
18:34No, but I...
18:34But it's the medication.
18:36I see. That's what you like? Yeah.
18:38Hey, tell...
18:38Tell everyone what you were telling me backstage.
18:40You think the gay hockey show is too gay?
18:43What does that mean?
18:44What does that even mean?
18:47The gay hockey show.
18:48The gay hockey show.
18:49Have you been watching the gay hockey show?
18:51I haven't seen it. It's on my list.
18:53You know, I have a whole list of...
18:54You know, I get very...
18:55Like, I haven't seen The Last Saint elsewhere,
18:57and I want to see that.
18:59I got a whole list of things.
19:01So it's gonna be a while until you get to that.
19:03Well, you look good.
19:04Are you thinner,
19:05or are you just widened the studio?
19:07How does that...
19:08If we could do that...
19:09Because you're down the cup size, you know.
19:10I would do that for sure.
19:11Yeah.
19:11You look great as...
19:12How do you maintain this unnatural glow?
19:17No, no, no.
19:18I accept...
19:18I've been ravaged by time.
19:20I accept that.
19:20I'm 75.
19:21Here's what I know about my...
19:26Here's what I know about...
19:27There's gonna be one phrase in my obit
19:30that you'll never ever find.
19:32What?
19:33Gone too soon.
19:36You do look...
19:37And I'm not being...
19:38I'm not joking around.
19:39You look very, very young for 75.
19:42You have...
19:45Age 75...
19:4675 does seem like...
19:48Yeah, it does.
19:49It does.
19:49But at age 75, you have the same hair
19:52that Michael J. Fox had in 1985.
19:56You really do.
19:56You have the hair of, like, a 25-year-old man.
20:01Well, thanks.
20:02Yeah, no, you do.
20:03You're talking about this.
20:04Yeah.
20:05Yeah.
20:05It's good.
20:06Yeah, well, thank you.
20:07I don't know how to respond to that,
20:08but thank you very much.
20:10Just say thank you.
20:10I'm just glad you can't see any netting.
20:14By the way, I saw you on television
20:16at the Golden Globes a couple of weekends ago.
20:19Oh, now I see that.
20:20There you are.
20:23Talk about a nice head of hair.
20:24How about that Benny Blanco?
20:26I mean...
20:26Benny Blanco is...
20:28And how beautiful is Selena Gomez?
20:30Selena Gomez is...
20:31No, it was exciting to be at the Golden Globes.
20:34It's a fun party, as you know,
20:35because it's everyone's tables and there's wine.
20:38And it was...
20:39I'm just kind of high off another Golden Globe defeat.
20:43Yeah.
20:44But the good news is that Steve was nominated also,
20:47and he also lost.
20:49So...
20:50Because, listen, I've been nominated against Steve in my day.
20:53Uh-huh.
20:53And if, like, one time we were both nominated,
20:56I won, he didn't, I could tell he was seething,
21:00and the next day I woke up with a dead banjo in my bed.
21:03So, you know...
21:06But it is an amazing...
21:07The greatest films, you know,
21:08you get to see all these filmmakers of the Golden Globes.
21:10Uh-huh.
21:11My favorite is Marty Supreme.
21:13Uh-huh.
21:13Oh, wow, yeah, sure.
21:15Only because that's been the nickname for this guy
21:18for many years.
21:19You know what I mean?
21:21Or am I doing two abstracts for you?
21:23Do you...
21:24Have you and Steve ever...
21:25Because I feel like you're never going to win
21:28because you cancel each other out in the same category,
21:31and you have to do something about that.
21:33Maybe you take turns being nominated.
21:35Maybe...
21:36I could do that.
21:36Could you possibly get one nomination together
21:41as Steve Martin Short
21:43and perhaps consolidate in some way?
21:45You know, it's...
21:46First of all, I love when you've done some writing.
21:48Mm-hmm.
21:49But also...
21:53I mean...
21:55Get some sleep, Mr. President.
21:59Um...
22:00No, no, no, no, I think...
22:01Well, first of all, you can't.
22:02You can't betray those things.
22:03I actually got a call the first year
22:05saying would I consider moving into supporting actor.
22:08Oh, you did?
22:08Yeah.
22:09From Steve?
22:10From Steve, yeah.
22:11From Steve's people.
22:13His team.
22:13His team, yeah.
22:15And nobody ever thinks about that.
22:16You can't do that.
22:17You can't do that.
22:18But I did win a SAG Award last year.
22:21Oh, you did?
22:22Okay, yeah.
22:23Oh, that's right.
22:24Steve wasn't nominated.
22:26Oh, Steve wasn't nominated.
22:27See what I'm saying?
22:28Maybe he was.
22:29I can't actually remember.
22:30How many awards have you...
22:31Do you keep track of how many awards you have won?
22:34Well, I have, let's see, a few Emmys.
22:37Uh-huh.
22:37I have a Tony Award.
22:38I have two daytime Oscars.
22:41And, um...
22:45And I have six NAACP awards.
22:48Oh, you do!
22:49That I stole from a party at Morgan Freeman's house.
22:56Is this gossipy for me to ask you about going to Selena Gomez
23:00and Benny Blanco's wedding?
23:02No.
23:03No, okay.
23:04First of all, it is such a great thing to go to a wedding
23:08where you just know that these people are perfect for each other.
23:12Okay.
23:13You know, Selena is like, you know, an extra child of mine.
23:17Mm-hmm.
23:17You adore her so much.
23:18And she found this guy, and he's the greatest guy,
23:22and they have the greatest hang, and they're wildly in love.
23:24So the wedding was perfect, and it was beautiful,
23:28and it was in Santa Barbara, and all these big tents, and...
23:32And, um...
23:33So everything was perfect, except the night of the reception.
23:37It was a big, big party, you know?
23:38Mm-hmm.
23:38Imagine.
23:39And stage, and dance floor, and musicians.
23:43And big, big tents.
23:45And at the back of the tent were these individual kind of areas,
23:50seating areas with couches and chairs, so that if you had a group,
23:54like, we had a group, only murders in the building.
23:55There was about 12 of us.
23:56Dan Fogelman, your buddy.
23:58Mm-hmm.
23:58Paul Rudd and Julie Rudd.
23:59All of us were together, and there was a cake,
24:02a wedding cake by our section.
24:04But it was a small wedding cake.
24:06Mm-hmm.
24:06I just assumed that that...
24:08There was a wedding cake for each section...
24:11...in the back.
24:13So after, you know, after a few hours, um...
24:16And they haven't cut their wedding cake yet.
24:20And after a few hours, um, Steve said he was gonna leave.
24:24And I said, oh, wait...
24:26No, maybe I'd had a cocktail.
24:27I don't know.
24:29So I said, oh, Steve, you can't leave yet.
24:32I had a fork in my hand.
24:33You can't leave yet without a piece of wedding cake.
24:35And I cut the wedding cake, one side, cut it the other.
24:40And then all the people in our group screamed,
24:43Marty!
24:45It was the wedding cake.
24:48So this wasn't just the...
24:50And you see, I tried to fix it with a fork.
24:52I tried to...
24:54Yeah, that's not good.
24:56So this was bad.
24:57This was about an hour before it was to be presented.
25:00Oh.
25:00And so I said, turned to Paul Rudd and said,
25:03so do we just leave?
25:07And then they called the, um, you know, the wedding coordinator.
25:10And then the chef came out.
25:12He was like a frunk guy.
25:13What the hell happened here?!
25:14Yeah, really?
25:15And then they, you know, they did surgery.
25:17But it ended up being very...
25:19I'm very... like a Hollywood wedding cake,
25:21in that it was beautiful, but now it had a little work done.
25:24Uh, it did have some work done.
25:26And so there they are, at their...
25:28Listen, Steve was so stunned when I did that,
25:30he gained color.
25:31And, um, let's see how the repair job was.
25:34Uh, oh, well...
25:35Yeah, not bad.
25:36Not, yeah, but not great.
25:37But also not great.
25:39Now, did Selena know?
25:40Did she learn this?
25:41Well, I was...
25:42I kept saying, oh, guys, we can't let Selena know.
25:44Right.
25:44And Steve would say, yeah,
25:45maybe we tell her in a month or so.
25:48And then as I was leaving, Selena came by,
25:50Hey, Marty, I heard you're trying to eat my cake.
25:55This is why you can't get into the weeds, so are we?
25:58No, you can't do it.
25:58Martin Short is here.
26:00Only murders in the building.
26:01Are you serious?
26:02Is on Hulu. We'll be right back.
26:09Is there any chance that this is your husband's finger?
26:13Do you have a few more?
26:14Uh, just the one.
26:16Kinda hard as hell without the full set.
26:18Well, maybe this would help.
26:20Hey, honey, pass it to Prague.
26:23That is incredibly offensive.
26:25You scoozie.
26:27We're back with Martin Short
26:28from only murders in the building,
26:30which you can see on Hulu now.
26:32Tay Leoni.
26:33The beautiful Tay Leoni.
26:35Very beautiful Tay Leoni.
26:37And...
26:39You and Steve,
26:40I know you always did spend a lot of time together,
26:42but it wasn't like you were working together
26:43every single day.
26:45What is it like after five years?
26:47Um, it is utterly delightful.
26:50You know?
26:51I mean, everyone loves each other in the cast.
26:53Selina's very protective of Steve.
26:56Like, sometimes I'll look over in the holding area,
26:57she's just holding a mirror under his nose.
26:59Just checking.
27:01And...
27:04That is so sweet.
27:05We're a team.
27:06We go together like Kristi Noem and a lip plumper.
27:12Like Chipotle and regret.
27:15Like a cyber truck and a tiny penis.
27:23That hasn't been proven.
27:25You and Steve are on tour.
27:26Next weekend, you are in Austin, Texas
27:28with our friend Jeff Babco.
27:30That's right.
27:31Yes, Mr. Jeff Babco.
27:33Our, uh...
27:34You guys and the Steve Canyon Rangers.
27:36Yes.
27:36Um, and they...
27:37That's Steve's decision.
27:38You would...
27:39True or false,
27:39you would not have them on the tour with you
27:42if it was entirely up to you.
27:44See, this is what I don't get about you.
27:48You know my affinity for bluegrass.
27:51You know that.
27:52That's true.
27:52That's true.
27:53No, no, no.
27:53They're brilliant, brilliant.
27:54We have a really, really great show.
27:56They are great, yeah.
27:56We have a great show that we love.
27:58It is a great show.
27:58And everyone loves each other.
27:59That's the gimmick of any kind of work thing.
28:02If you...
28:03You know, the work is great,
28:04but I was talking to some of your crew tonight
28:06and they said, you know,
28:07this is the greatest hang, this show.
28:09And I think that's the compliment to any show.
28:11Well, thank you.
28:12Um, you, um...
28:15You guys, do you take questions from the audience,
28:18um, at the end of the show?
28:20Is that part of the deal?
28:21No, we've done that occasionally.
28:22Uh-huh.
28:23You know, some of them are insane.
28:24One guy said to me,
28:25hey, Mr. Short, he was about 36,
28:27and he said, uh,
28:28can I just say, I think you're great.
28:30I said, no, thank you.
28:31Because I love comedy, sir.
28:33I love comedy.
28:35And, you know, who I also love, Lucille Ball.
28:38I said, oh, she was a genius.
28:40Here's a question for you, sir.
28:41Why were you never on I Love Lucy?
28:47I said, why was I...
28:49I was three years old.
28:51You were?
28:52Not when they moved to Connecticut.
28:54No, he...
28:54He'd clearly been watching them not knowing.
28:56He didn't know you played Little Ricky on that show?
28:58You know, he's...
28:58I...
28:59That's my secret.
29:00You, uh, there is, uh...
29:01This is exciting.
29:02This was just announced that there is a docu...
29:04I hope you...
29:04I'm not the one telling you about this.
29:06A documentary about you,
29:08about your life coming to Netflix.
29:11What?
29:11Yes, that's right.
29:12That's right.
29:13No, no, no.
29:13It is...
29:15There's a brilliant, brilliant, um,
29:17a filmmaker, the great Lawrence Kasdan.
29:20Mm-hmm.
29:20And he is my, uh, longtime friend,
29:22and he's done this brilliant, uh, documentary.
29:25I mean, I hope it is.
29:26Uh, with, uh, uh, Madgen and Ron Howard.
29:29And it is called, uh, Martin...
29:31Marty, Life is Short, correct?
29:33Yes, it is, sir.
29:34Uh-huh.
29:34Yeah.
29:35Did you...
29:35Were you part of the, like, brainstorming sesh
29:38for the title?
29:39I have a feeling you don't like the title.
29:42You think the title is too simple...
29:45I think...
29:45...and too obvious.
29:46I think if I was texting you a joke title
29:49for your documentary,
29:50that would be the one that I came up with.
29:52Marty, Life is Short.
29:55Hey, listen.
29:56When you work with great filmmakers,
29:58you-you just stay out of it.
29:59OK.
29:59No, really, I-I have nothing to do with this.
30:01I-I-I-I've seen a rough cut,
30:03and it's quite good, I think.
30:05All your friends are interviewed in this?
30:06Mm, not you.
30:08No, no, I was not called.
30:09No, you weren't called?
30:10I was asking...
30:12No, I mean, yes.
30:13I was not called.
30:13The Spielbergs, the Hanks...
30:15Yes.
30:15...the Levees...
30:15The big names.
30:17Yeah, right.
30:17Captain O'Hare, Andrew Martin.
30:18Sure, Paul Schaefer.
30:19One more question for you.
30:21Yeah.
30:21And I hate to put you on the spot,
30:23but you probably...
30:24Oh, you'd never do that.
30:25You know what's going on in Canada.
30:26Yeah.
30:27Right now.
30:28Right.
30:28You're preparing.
30:28Mm-hmm.
30:30If, God forbid, it gets ugly...
30:33Yes.
30:34Whose side are you on?
30:35Oh, I'm on the dominion of Canada.
30:37Oh, you are.
30:38Yeah.
30:38All right.
30:39All right.
30:40It's not gonna get ugly.
30:41It's not gonna...
30:42You know, I mean, first of all, you forget...
30:45You keep forgetting.
30:47President Trump is really funny.
30:50Like the 51st state.
30:52You kind of can't stop laughing.
30:54You were against...
30:55You were for...
30:56I think he said...
30:57I heard 54 states.
30:58But I guess he said 54 states.
31:00All right.
31:01I just wanted to know where I stand.
31:02By the way, speaking of Trump,
31:04I don't know...
31:04You are looking more and more like J.D. Vance.
31:08Well, you do.
31:10The only thing missing is the eyeliner hooves and tail.
31:13But then, other than that, you got it.
31:17Martin Short, Only Murders in the Building on Hulu Now.
31:21And we'll see them live.
31:23The best with Steve Martin and Martin Short.
31:25Featuring Jeff Babkel and the Steve Canyon Rangers.
31:28Live January 30th and 31st in Austin, Texas.
31:31Get tickets at stevemartin.com.
31:33Yes!
31:34We'll be back with Jackson Wright.
31:38We'll be back with you.
31:40We'll be back with you.
31:40We'll be back with you.
31:40Tomorrow on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
31:43From American Idol, Luke Bryant, Lionel Richie, and Carrie Underwood.
31:47Mike Epps.
31:48Plus music from Men at Work.
31:51And join us next week with guests Haley Cuoco, Jacob Elordi, Nate Bargetti, and Marco Robbins.
32:05All right, everyone, we're back.
32:07Our next guest has an army of loyal fans who love to see him do bad things to good and
32:13not so good people.
32:14Tell Me Lies season three is on Hulu now.
32:17Please welcome Jackson White.
32:33How are you?
32:34I'm good.
32:35This is cool.
32:37Do you usually go by Jackson, full Jackson, or is it to avoid confusion with Jack White?
32:43Oh, no, I didn't think of that.
32:45You didn't think of that?
32:45No.
32:46My dad's name was Jack.
32:47And your dad's name is OK.
32:49Yeah, but I'm full Jackson.
32:50And I'm Jack's son.
32:52Jack's son.
32:53Jack's son, Jackson.
32:54Yeah.
32:55That's right.
32:55Yeah, that's strong.
32:56Congratulations.
32:56Thank you, strong.
32:57Yeah.
32:57On all the success of the show.
32:59I know it had a huge, this season, like five million people watched this thing.
33:04Yeah, I know.
33:05I know.
33:08Feels like it leveled up, ramped up.
33:10And I met your mom, who seems very nice, Katie Seagal.
33:13Yeah.
33:13Who is, well, I mean, you know better than me, is she?
33:17Nice?
33:18She's extremely nice.
33:19OK, good.
33:19All right.
33:20Very good mother, too.
33:21She must be very proud, I would imagine.
33:23I hope so.
33:24Yeah, she is.
33:24She tells you this?
33:25She tells me, yeah.
33:27Was she supportive of your decision to become an actor from the beginning?
33:31She wanted me to go to college.
33:33She wanted me to do it until I was 18.
33:35And she said, you can go to college.
33:37OK.
33:37And if you give that a try.
33:39And I lasted like three seconds.
33:41And then I switched over to acting.
33:43Oh, what does that mean, give college a try?
33:45The college try.
33:46Like.
33:46The old college try.
33:48Like, show up.
33:49Try.
33:50I think I took zero, I took no GEs.
33:53Uh-huh.
33:53I was there for music.
33:54I was playing drums and trying to do all that and doing musicals.
33:58And I was, I was, I don't know what I was doing.
34:00And then they said, OK, you can leave or you just left on your own?
34:04I just kind of scooted out the back.
34:05Scooted out.
34:06Back door there.
34:07Thank God it worked.
34:08And now you play a college student, which is really just as educational.
34:11I know.
34:12But this, I know.
34:13But this is like the gnarly, like fake gnarly sexy college version.
34:17It's like college is pretty smelly.
34:19Yeah.
34:20College can be gnarly.
34:21Yeah.
34:22I suppose for some people it can be sexy.
34:24I, yeah.
34:25Yeah, I guess.
34:26But yeah.
34:26It wasn't like that for me.
34:27Yeah, I don't, yeah.
34:28It wasn't like that for you either.
34:30No.
34:30It is interesting that you're playing a college student.
34:33Your mom plays your mom on the show.
34:35Yeah.
34:35Oh, my God, yeah.
34:36Your girlfriend plays your love interest on the show.
34:38I know.
34:39The walls are caving in on me.
34:40I, it's, my, my reality is completely blended.
34:44But at least it's, I mean, it's not confusing.
34:47Like there's never any, like, kind of, you know who's who, right?
34:50No.
34:50Yeah, you, yeah.
34:51There's, yeah, you don't have to do any pretending.
34:54Everything's.
34:54I mean, like if your mom was playing your girlfriend, that would be weird.
34:57That would be awkward.
34:58Yeah, and they, yeah, I'm glad they didn't.
35:00And vice versa, too.
35:00I'm glad they didn't pitch that idea.
35:02Yeah.
35:02Yeah.
35:03Do you ever, when your girlfriend is your love interest on a program.
35:09Yeah.
35:09And this is obviously only happening the one time.
35:11Yeah.
35:12Do you ever, like, because you guys have a dysfunctional relationship.
35:15Yes.
35:16On the show.
35:16Insane.
35:16Does that ever carry over, like, a fight that you have during a scene?
35:20It doesn't.
35:21We're pretty good about compartmentalizing it and fighting at work.
35:25And then we're pretty docile.
35:27You fight at work.
35:28Yeah, we fight at work.
35:29And you save the love for home.
35:31Yeah.
35:31It's pretty kind at home.
35:32I see.
35:33Now, this is your first, like, big lead role, right?
35:36I like it.
35:36For sure, yeah.
35:37And right away, you got, you have a lot of sex scenes.
35:41Would you say that's fair?
35:42Yeah, tons.
35:43Tons.
35:44I got to do that all the time.
35:45It's, it's.
35:46Do you study for, do you do a ride along or anything?
35:49I should have.
35:51I wish I did.
35:51I was, um, on season one, I had to do a lot of sex scenes and, and I got a
35:57phone call
35:57from the boss and she said, listen, this is not a difficult, this is a difficult conversation
36:01to have, but we, we got a call from the higher ups and you have to work on your thrusting.
36:08So I didn't, I wasn't, I think I, I had some type of involuntary body role.
36:16I think that's what it was.
36:17This is true.
36:18This really happened.
36:19This is true.
36:19I'm sorry.
36:20This is true.
36:21Did you ask which, which higher ups specifically had an issue with your thrusting?
36:26I didn't ask.
36:27Okay.
36:27Maybe you can go back and get the names.
36:28I'd like to have that.
36:29I was like, of course, anything you need.
36:31So, so I think they, it was like, they, it, they wanted it like more like standard.
36:37Well, what?
36:39Cause, cause then, cause it looked like maybe I wasn't, maybe it wasn't real.
36:44Show me with your hands what you were doing.
36:46Okay.
36:46Show me.
36:47So like, if it was like, so if that was what I was doing.
36:50Like a wave kind of motion.
36:52Yeah, but not like, like maybe it was a little performative.
36:56And they wanted.
36:57Like you were doing the worm almost.
36:58Do you see?
36:59I was, I was doing the worm.
37:00You were doing the worm.
37:01On my girlfriend.
37:02On your girlfriend.
37:03Yeah.
37:03And, and they wanted more of a, sort of a standard, um, relatable sex thing.
37:12So you were doing, you were doing what you, what you do.
37:17Yeah.
37:17Well, well, well, hold on.
37:20No, I was, that's not like, that's not like what I would do.
37:26It's like what my, it's what the character would do.
37:28What the character would do.
37:29Man.
37:29Yeah.
37:30But then they said, don't do what the character would do.
37:32Don't do that.
37:33Don't.
37:33Do what human beings do.
37:34Yeah.
37:34Don't follow your actor's impulses.
37:37Don't do that.
37:37Uh-huh.
37:38Just do the corporate sex.
37:42Was your, like, was your mom, mom there that day?
37:46Yeah.
37:46Right.
37:47No.
37:47No.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Yeah.
37:48Yeah.
37:49And every day of work, it's my mother and my girlfriend and they're there every day.
37:52No.
37:52It would be great if they called your mom to give her that note.
37:56Bummer.
37:56To pass along to you.
37:57Bummer.
37:58It's worse than a bad report card.
38:00That is.
38:00In a lot of ways.
38:01That's bad.
38:02No, they, the sex things were very private, but we had like a designated, um, uh, sex week.
38:08Oh, sex week?
38:09Well, yeah.
38:09That's part of the shark week.
38:11Well, no, because, um, there, there's intimacy coordinator, like, oh, they could only come
38:16on, like, Wednesday through Friday, so you had to, you had to squeeze all the sex days
38:20into those days with, like, multiple episodes.
38:24So then you'd be on set, and I, you know, if I'm not, if you're not doing a sex scene,
38:28you're seeing all your co-stars pass by in robes.
38:31Oh, so they have just the, everything is, like, all the sex happens.
38:34They crunched them into a one consolidated little week.
38:38Just to accommodate this person whose job it is to watch people pretend to have sex.
38:43Absolutely.
38:44And I'm the only one that got notes.
38:46I mean, I, yeah.
38:50No one else got notes?
38:51No one else got notes.
38:52I'm the only one that got notes.
38:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
38:55Well, hey, this, you know what you did get?
38:57This came out yesterday, and I know your, uh, fans went bananas.
39:00It's you and, you and Grace in, um, in your underpants.
39:05So I have a question for you.
39:06Yeah.
39:06So you, so you go to work, and someone comes up to you, like, with a clipboard and says,
39:12like, okay, this is a guy on the sex show, and you have to put a, you have to put
39:16a picture
39:16of him in his underwear up.
39:18And do you, like, do you get bummed out?
39:22Let me tell you something.
39:23I've been in my, in, I've been in a bikini bottom in front of Cindy Crawford.
39:27I've been in my underwear and nothing else in front of Beyonce.
39:31Really?
39:32Uh, I've had a hard run.
39:33Yes.
39:34And it's your turn in the barrel, my friend.
39:38Sounds like it.
39:39That's cool, though.
39:40I'm glad you threw it up.
39:41I'm glad you threw it up.
39:42That's really cool.
39:43But it's kind of, I mean, it's kind of, you know, it's, it's a little, it's a, it's got
39:46to be a little bit strange.
39:47You'd think they would let your head be in this photograph, but, uh, I guess.
39:51Oh, yeah, you mean the one, they picked the one where I'm tucked in there?
39:54Yeah, where you're really not, it really could be any guy at all.
39:59I know, and that, I know, I hear that a lot.
40:01But it's, it's fine, because, because it's, it's, it's the mystery.
40:05It's more, it's just the, you pull it back up.
40:07It's, it's more, it's all about that.
40:09Did, um, is there like a coordinator on set for this sort of thing?
40:13Yeah, there, there was, actually.
40:14We, so it was all like, oh, we're doing the sweet thing, we're posing,
40:17because we're really dating, we're free, and it's great.
40:19Yeah.
40:19And then it would be like, no, cut!
40:20And then the guy would run out, and he would, like, move the, the underwear,
40:25so that it looks right.
40:26And what is his job title?
40:28Um, Tucker?
40:34Like, older?
40:35Tucker's good.
40:37Waistband guy?
40:38I don't, I don't know.
40:40Well, it's very good to meet you.
40:42Yeah, yeah, you too.
40:43And congratulations on the show, on your underpants, on your, on your thrusting.
40:46All of those things are really happening for you.
40:49Thanks, dude.
40:50Thanks, man.
40:50Thanks, man.
40:51He's on Tell Me Lies.
40:52Season three is on Hulu Now.
40:55New episodes Tuesday.
41:03Thanks to Martin Short.
41:05Thanks to Jackson White.
41:07Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:08We did run out of time for him.
41:10Nightline is next.
41:10Thanks.
41:11Thanks for watching.
41:12Good night.
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