- 4 hours ago
Amandaland S02E03 Soha Sofa
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TVTranscript
00:01Hi, Mummy.
00:02Hello, darling.
00:03Kids!
00:04I'm home.
00:05Hi.
00:06Hi, Mum.
00:06Do I get a hug?
00:10So, how was the north?
00:12It was Birmingham.
00:13Oh, dear.
00:14And it was.
00:15Is it weird to describe a trade show as magical?
00:18Yes.
00:19It's just such an exciting time.
00:21Interiors are really expanding at the moment.
00:23It feels like a problem for walls.
00:25And get this, Mummy.
00:26I'm now a brand ambassador.
00:28So, this guy who designs these gorgeous sofas
00:32took business cards from a few elite tastemakers,
00:35and he selected...
00:37What, like a prize draw?
00:38No, like a talent pool.
00:39And I was chosen to receive this gorgeous complimentary set.
00:43You want a sofa?
00:44No, I networked a sofa to boost all my socials.
00:47It's quick-quo-pro.
00:49Anyway, how are the kids?
00:51Good as gold.
00:52Though, Maris kept calling me bra.
00:54Is he a sexist now?
00:56No, it's short for brother-mother.
00:57Brother-mother?
00:58It's just what the kids say now.
01:00Anyway, I must dash.
01:02I'm meeting a man for... coffee.
01:05Oh!
01:06I've signed up to this very exclusive dating app,
01:08and honestly, I can't move for hot tottie.
01:10Well, enjoy your coffee.
01:13It's not really coffee, darling.
01:16Yes, I know, Mummy.
01:17Kids!
01:18Can-can's going now!
01:21Oh, such a magical age.
01:26Morning.
01:26Morning.
01:28Oh, Mal, I need a hand.
01:30Jack?
01:30Well, I'm off to...
01:31Quick as you can.
01:32Don't even argue.
01:33So when's the new one coming?
01:35Well, not for a few days, but I need to vacuum and touch up some scuffs.
01:39Let's get the cushions off first.
01:41OK.
01:42Right, what's this?
01:43Slimey...
01:44Oh!
01:45Oh!
01:46Yeah!
01:47Oh, my God!
01:49Is that a condom?
01:51No!
01:51I touched my face!
01:53And my condom has...
01:55Oh!
01:55Oh, not with the hairbrush!
01:57Oh!
01:58So gross!
01:59Oh!
01:59That was in your sofa!
02:01Amanda, that's foul.
02:02Oh!
02:03Whose is that?
02:04Could it be yours?
02:05No, Mal, I've been V-cell since Johannes.
02:08Voluntary celibate, just focusing on me and my needs.
02:11All right, well...
02:12It must be someone's.
02:14Oh, no shit, Shergar.
02:15Who else in this house is sexually active?
02:18Yeah, I'm sorry, Darius, but I really want to get a ticket.
02:20Hey, I could ask Danny, to be fair.
02:22Everything can be bought online.
02:24There's got to be a website.
02:25I've checked on the website.
02:26We can look somewhere else.
02:27I can't wait to see you.
02:30All right, we either need to move this or put it down.
02:36Yeah, we're gonna have to speak to her, aren't I?
02:37And get Anne to speak to Darius.
02:40Yeah.
02:41These things require a two-pronged approach.
02:43It's usually more of a one-pronged approach.
02:46Mal, this is serious.
02:48They're 16 now.
02:49I think it's quite normal.
02:50So have you had the chat with Ned, then?
02:52Yeah, of course.
02:53Me and JJ divvied it up.
02:54I was communications with the opposite sex,
02:56and JJ was contraceptives.
02:58Basically, I was tactics and JJ was the kit man.
03:01All right.
03:02There you go.
03:03Okay.
03:03What time are they coming to collect it?
03:06Who?
03:06I don't know, the council or whoever you booked it with.
03:09No one.
03:10Mal, this is a very expensive sofa.
03:12Someone will take it.
03:13You can't just leave it in the streets.
03:15Why don't you stick it at a marketplace?
03:16Mal, I don't do Facebook because of my moral objections to Meta.
03:19It's a good job they're done on Instagram, isn't it?
03:22God, isn't it?
03:28You can just see it.
03:29Yes, it is.
03:30It's very nice.
03:31Yeah.
03:31And you won that.
03:32No, I've networked it down because of my profile.
03:34Oh.
03:35And you just left the old one out on the pavement?
03:37It's second life is pending.
03:39Yeah.
03:40Sure.
03:40If I dump a sofa, it's fly tipping.
03:42And if you do it, you're part of the circular economy.
03:45Well, I'm giving someone local the chance to own a piece of Chiswick-quality furniture.
03:48It's actually very community-minded.
03:51Unless you want it for your homeless charity.
03:53Well, it's a food bank and you can't eat a sofa.
03:57So, no.
03:58Stick it in a van if you want.
03:59Take it down the tip.
04:00That sofa has survived one marriage and two toddlers now.
04:03I think it deserves a better fate than the tip.
04:05All right.
04:06Honestly.
04:07I'll get snapped up any moment.
04:09You'll see.
04:10Bye.
04:11That was Della.
04:12She's on her last leg.
04:13She's dying.
04:14No, of a journey from Hawaii.
04:17We've got her back for the weekend.
04:18Well, some of it, anyway.
04:19Aw, so nice.
04:21Yeah, I can't wait.
04:22We'll have a stroll by the river.
04:24Spot of lunch.
04:24I found this ace gastropub that's dog-friendly.
04:27Thank you, ChatGBC.
04:28Who's Chatty Petey?
04:29No, it's ChatGPT.
04:33It's AI.
04:34Oh, yes, yes, that.
04:36Yeah, I think the kids put it on my phone, but I don't really trust it.
04:39I mean, Chris always laughs at me for saying please and thank you to Alexa,
04:43but at least when the computers take over,
04:45they'll have me down as one of the good humans
04:47and they might spare me.
04:48From the first cull, at least.
04:51I mainly just ask it about pubs.
04:53But you can ask it about anything.
04:55It's dead good for advice.
04:57Felicity, off the pitch.
05:00Oh, Mummy.
05:01Sorry I'm late.
05:02I met someone for coffee.
05:05You're actually starting to put me off coffee.
05:07Don't be a prude.
05:08You should get on this app, darling.
05:10No, me...
05:11No, it's a rich seam of solvent men.
05:14There's loads of them.
05:15Look.
05:15What do you think of him?
05:17Hmm.
05:17Maybe a touch old, but, er...
05:19Yeah, why not?
05:21I'm game.
05:22No, he's the one I'm seeing.
05:24That's Coffee Man.
05:25Five shots last night.
05:27And a quick aero press this morning.
05:35Anne.
05:38Love's young dream really takes me back, you know.
05:41Me and Chris once kissed so hard when we were courting
05:44that I developed a pressure sore on my gum.
05:46Marvellous.
05:47I'm glad I got you alone, actually, Anne.
05:49I found an unwrapped condom in the house yesterday, and...
05:53Well...
05:54It's not mine.
05:55Obviously.
05:56Yes.
05:57Thank you, Anne.
05:58My point is, if it's not mine...
06:03Patrick Harris, sir.
06:04Oh, don't be ridiculous.
06:06They're only kids.
06:07Can you imagine getting down and dirty at 16?
06:13Oh, God, they're at it, aren't they?
06:14I don't know, Anne, but I think we need to talk to them,
06:16make sure they're armed with all the facts.
06:18Jesus.
06:19Chris is currently away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:21Right.
06:22This would have to happen when he's away in Vancouver, Canada.
06:24I know where Vancouver is, Anne.
06:26Yes, yes.
06:26I will talk to him.
06:27Yes.
06:33Okay, that's enough, Darius.
06:34Come on.
06:35Spaghetti hoops for tea.
06:37What's your sofa?
06:39Oh, goodness.
06:41You see?
06:43I told you, you've opened the floodgates now.
06:45People see an abandoned city in the street, they think it's a dumping ground.
06:48Oh, you've finally been evicted.
06:49I'm trying to get rid of this old thing.
06:51He needs the sofa.
06:52They're nice.
06:53Thanks, yeah.
06:54Della's back tonight, so I'm making an effort.
06:56Flowers.
06:57Nice Merlot.
06:58New razor.
06:59And some plug hole and blocker, because...
07:02Yeah, it's been a while.
07:03Sounds lovely.
07:04I mean, having Della back, not your...
07:06Well, I'm sure.
07:07Yeah, this is actually a decent sette.
07:10Yes, thank you.
07:11Yes, it is.
07:12Yes, see?
07:12People like it.
07:14Oh, no, Bobby.
07:15No, no.
07:16Bad dog.
07:16Bad dog.
07:16That's horrid.
07:17I'm so sorry, Amanda.
07:18No-one's going to want it now, are they?
07:20Excuse me.
07:21Yeah.
07:21So is...
07:22Come on.
07:22Is that going begging?
07:23Yes.
07:26Yes, it is.
07:28Free to a good home.
07:29Amazing.
07:30Yeah.
07:35Oh, dear.
07:39Oh, I'm exhausted.
07:41This is not an airport game.
07:42Oh, it's so good to be home.
07:45Come on.
07:46What?
07:46What?
07:48That's a much bigger dog in real life.
07:51He's licking my skin.
07:53He loves his other mummy.
07:55Okay.
07:55Okay, right.
07:55Cough up.
07:56Oh.
07:56We had a deal.
07:58Here you go, mate.
07:58I mean, come on.
07:59It's not 1985.
08:01Oh, yeah.
08:02Okay.
08:03Right, I'll see you guys later then, yeah?
08:04Where are you going?
08:05To buy drugs.
08:07Cinema.
08:09Oh.
08:10Out.
08:11All evening.
08:13At the cinema.
08:15Oh.
08:17Oh.
08:19Oh, I know.
08:20There was a reason to buy 7,000 miles.
08:26Oh, I'm so sorry.
08:28I've been letting him sleep on the bed while you were away.
08:31Oh, just kick him out and shut the door.
08:34No, because if I do that, he'll scratch at it all night.
08:37Let me just, um, let me get him settled downstairs.
08:40And I'll be right back.
08:41Oh, great.
08:42Yeah?
08:45Georgie, sweetheart, could you have a little chat?
08:48It's just about you and Darius.
08:50Oh.
08:53Georgie?
08:55I was like 12.
08:56No, I think he did.
08:57Oh, my God.
09:00Um, excuse me.
09:01Does this look like a youth club?
09:03A bit.
09:04Could you just move along, please?
09:06She's serious.
09:07I hope you haven't scuffed my sofa.
09:10Come on, shoo.
09:13Not you, Georgie.
09:17Well then, right, wait, wait, wait.
09:24Right.
09:26Georgie.
09:28Good.
09:31I think we might need to have a little chat.
09:33Oh, God.
09:34Gangang's dead.
09:34No, why would you think...
09:35Then why are you being weird?
09:37I'm not being weird.
09:37Yes, you are.
09:38Is Manners adopted?
09:39No.
09:40What?
09:41Nothing.
09:41But why Manners?
09:42Oh, my God.
09:43I'm adopted.
09:44No.
09:45No-one's adopted.
09:47Or dead.
09:48It's more of a personal, um...
09:53No, intimate.
09:54This is now officially the weirdest moment of my entire life.
09:56No, it isn't.
09:57Stop saying that.
09:58I'm actually being really cool about this.
10:00About what?
10:01I would tell you, sweetheart, if you gave me half a chance.
10:04Mum!
10:04I found your condom in the sofa!
10:07Okay.
10:09That isn't how I wanted to say that.
10:11Um, I'm not angry.
10:12Okay?
10:13I think it's absolutely fantastic that you're using protection.
10:16Yeah?
10:17I'm not having sex.
10:20Are you sure?
10:21Of course I'm sure!
10:22Yes.
10:22Okay.
10:23Yeah.
10:26And you would tell me if you...
10:27Oh, my God.
10:28Why are you being so weird?
10:29Georgie!
10:29Yes!
10:30Fine!
10:31Whatever.
10:31Can we just leave it now, please?
10:33Oh!
10:34That was so weird.
10:35It wasn't weird.
10:36Yes, it was.
10:41But it wasn't your condom then.
11:06Mummy!
11:16Yeah!
11:26Yeah!
11:28Yeah!
11:29ready to help okay good um hi it's me and first time user and i just like to know the
11:39best way
11:39to talk to my teenage son about sex please great question don't make the talk into a major event
11:47instead maybe try smaller more open conversations right yes um and where'd be the best place for
11:56these conversations to take place why not have the conversation whilst driving it can feel more
12:01organic and avoids eye contact making it easier to discuss intimate topics yes makes sense yeah
12:12good that's a weight off my mind
12:20are you still there yes ann thank you chat gpt i hope you sleep well ann i will
12:28good night get your 40 winks yes nice
12:37chat gpt what's it like in vancouver canada that's a great question ann
12:53apology please sorry amanda no you say what for well experience has taught me it's easier just
12:59to say well you were wrong someone has taken that cherished sofa and given it a lovely new home
13:04all right still leaves half the steptoes living room but um such a sourpuss is this your
13:11shit no disgusting isn't it really brings down the area honestly some people
13:21oh hold the door please oh mommy just picking up my charger anything else you didn't pick up
13:29um well maybe my hairbrush no mommy i mean did you and coffee man have sex on my sofa the
13:36other night
13:37well the kids were asleep so we thought why not because it's my sofa oh we didn't think you'd find
13:42out how did you find out because i found your condom no you didn't mommy i can assure you i
13:50don't use
13:51condoms what oh my god mommy you should be using condoms this is about your sexual help just because
13:58you're too old to get pregnant they're still i'm not too old to get pregnant you're too old to get
14:02pregnant no i am not how dare listen that is not the issue the issue is mommy you're putting your
14:11health
14:12at risk you could catch an sti oh look i don't have to listen to this i'm not going to
14:16take sex advice
14:17from my own daughter honestly i was having sex before you're even born of course you were that's how it
14:24works
14:33so uh how is everything with georgie or just uh in general with georgie yeah fine right okay yes
14:49oh god did you see that there that bmw just tried to uh slide into the hatched area
14:56and i wasn't comfortable with letting him into my hatched area um and that's my right because it's
15:04very important to respect the hatched area yeah that just pulls out yeah well that method doesn't
15:11always work oh god here would you look back wiper is stuck there i'll just be i'll be back in
15:24a second
15:44okay
15:46okay okay
15:52so everything going well with georgie yes i said
15:57you know that kind of reminds me of um an experience that i had that was quite similar to your
16:03own current
16:04situation it was when i first started dating your father now we both started to develop these urges um all
16:12completely natural of course but a very raw almost um primal craving to explore more physicals
16:28so i thought that we could take bobby for a walk along the canal before football we might run into
16:36steven and chris bobby loves chris though he's up his bum a lot please tell me chris is a dog
16:41yeah a mini
16:42schnouts and steven is a multi-poo what he's always shitting no he's a maltese terrier crossed with a
16:49poodle okay so we have the crops option or hear me out here we forget about the dog and we
16:55lie in the
16:56bed till even our teenager notices we're missing thing is if you forget about a big dog they tend to
17:02do
17:02things like crap in the house martin what can you walk the dog no he pulled me over outside of
17:10vanta black the other day and jake phillips saw so i'm not doing it you can what's vanta black who's
17:14jake phillips how long have i been away the ages which is why we're having a nice romantic day together
17:21which starts with a walk along the canal and a coffee fiona i love you but i literally traveled
17:28for all of yesterday and until that clock says pm me and this bed are a single organism
17:35okay i guess that's me walking bobby then grab me a latte
17:45it wasn't theirs the condom he talked to georgie yeah yeah he had a real heart to heart oh thank
17:53goodness darius ran a mile when i tried an actual mile with quite a bruised thigh oh uh flat white
18:02whole milk and an espresso please i guess that's the difference with daughters you can just talk about
18:07these things yeah georgie and i tell each other everything we're more like best friends so yeah
18:13we talked and cried then laughed and just hugged it out and it wasn't weird at all
18:24yeah and they're definitely not no no they've yet to enter that phase of their relationship great
18:29so i i don't have to have the chat with darius of course you do anne they may not have
18:35done it yet but
18:36it's only a matter of time
18:46hi it's anne again my sex chat with my son didn't exactly go very well what else could i try
18:53please
18:54try looking for a natural moment to engage with your teen like starting a conversation based on a
18:59tv show you've both seen or perhaps a book sorry what's the danish the danish are an ethnic group
19:05oh no i'm sorry not you thank you you're okay mommy yeah fine thank you just you look a bit
19:24uncomfortable downstairs because you know unsafe sex leads to stis it's not an sti okay and i'll thank you
19:32not to make my sexual health the subject of baseless tittle tattle if i need medical advice i'll call
19:38a doctor good please do and he will doubtless reassure me that the only irritation i need to address is
19:43five foot seven with blonde hair five foot eight so whose rubber johnny was it then i don't know
19:50so literally a whodunit shagatha christie yes thank you fee it's not that funny mommy so darling who's next on
20:00the list
20:10yeah hey bra let's put that away please so i was thinking maybe we could have a little chat about
20:18something what's happened is gangan dead no why would it be that she drinks a lot of gin
20:25would you like me to speak to her about that it's okay i'll just start serving her single measures
20:29sorry does she have you may okay sweetheart there's something i need to ask you and this is going to
20:35sound ridiculous but i just have to check okay i found a condom oh god oh god are you saying
20:42that it
20:42was i think i'm gonna be sick it wasn't my fault they made me do it wait what they ben
20:49nicked off his
20:50brother we just wanted to see what it looked like mason blew it up we were just messing around
20:54oh man thank god yeah yes that's okay that's just fine my darling oh oh my sweet boy listen
21:05it's completely natural to be curious about these kind of things
21:09and well good to have that little mystery solved
21:13though maybe don't leave things like that lying around on the sofa i flushed it down the toilet
21:23the top of the toilet i'll get a little bit of a toilet or anything like that's okay
21:23what's this fixed penalty notice for fly tipping oh no no none of that's mine yeah that might not
21:31be but there's a sofa in the park that we believe is yours in the park yeah probably local kids
21:36took
21:36it there or drug users but since you left it outside what makes you think it was me doorbell cam
21:43over the road pretty conclusive hey did they report me reports are anonymous well it's
21:50It's clearly their doorbell.
21:51Reports are anonymous.
21:59£400. I can't afford £400.
22:02Then I'd get it shifted. Pronto.
22:04Cos it's going to be 200 quid more if we have to put it in the van.
22:08Have a good day.
22:10All right, boss.
22:12Yeah? All right.
22:15What's going on?
22:16I've got to put it in there.
22:19Pop on it.
22:21Hiya.
22:21In here.
22:24What's going on?
22:25You've got your best clobber on.
22:27I'm taking you for lunch at Miller and Fife.
22:32For the best seafood of your life if you weren't married to me.
22:34I have to put the Talbot on the river.
22:36Oh, we can go to the pub any day.
22:38What about Bobby?
22:39Well, can't we get what's-her-name to pop over, you know,
22:42the one with all the kids?
22:43Well, Anne, she won't know how to settle him.
22:45Oh, come on.
22:46She's raised about a thousand children.
22:48Look, it's not the same thing, OK?
22:50OK, why are you being so pissy?
22:52I'm not.
22:52Yeah, you are.
22:53I've seen actual piss less pissy than you're being right now.
22:56I just think that you need to consider the whole family a bit more
22:59when you're back here.
23:00I mean, I'm sure it's different when you're off on your cruise or whatever.
23:02I'm not off on a cruise.
23:04I'm working my arse off for my family.
23:07So you'd have to forgive me if I want to do something more with my one day off
23:11than spending it at the Caxton with a pint.
23:14It's called the Talmud.
23:15And it serves high-end Thai and doggy ice cream,
23:18which Bobby and I are very much looking forward to.
23:20Come on, Bobby!
23:22Bobby, come!
23:27Fine.
23:31This is your fault.
23:37Darius?
23:39You all right?
23:40Yes.
23:41Hi.
23:42I was just about to watch series one of Emmy Award winning Netflix show Sex Education.
23:48It's really good.
23:49Would you like to watch a whim-
23:56chat GBT?
23:59Am I a good mother?
24:01Just asking this question shows you care deeply about your role as a mother.
24:06Good mothers are not perfect, but you are doing a great job.
24:10Thanks, chat GBT.
24:23You need a hand?
24:24Yeah.
24:26No, thank you, Mal.
24:27I mean, I've got the van just parked there, so...
24:29I'm fine, thank you, Mal.
24:32Where are you taking it?
24:33I don't know.
24:35I just don't get it, Mal.
24:37It is a good sofa.
24:39I really thought someone would take it.
24:42Maybe this is its time, yeah?
24:45Come on, I'll take you to the tip.
24:47Thanks, Mal.
24:48I'll get this in.
24:51Hang on, what's this?
24:56This condom expired six years ago.
24:59So?
24:59So either someone's using very out-of-date condoms or...
25:03What?
25:05Are you sure you've never had sex on this sofa?
25:08Yes, I have never had sex on this sofa.
25:12I mean, apart from the one time...
25:17My ex-husband and I...
25:24It's Johnny's Johnny.
25:25We had break-up sex in the living room the day we signed our divorce.
25:30Come on.
25:36You've been sitting on your ex-husband's condom for six years.
25:39Oh!
25:42Can you not laugh? This is very triggering.
25:51Guys?
26:09I love you.
26:11I love you.
26:13I love you, Mort.
26:14Yeah.
26:15I love you, Mort.
26:17I love you, Bobby.
26:19I love you, Bobby.
26:26I love you, Bobby.
26:36Oh, Bobby!
26:38Oh, God!
26:39Oh, Mum!
26:40What are you feeling?
26:49Darius?
26:53It's OK.
26:55I give up.
26:57This whole sex chat business is a bloody minefield.
27:02I was just trying to find the right way to say,
27:04make sure you both want it.
27:06Use protection and no means no.
27:09But I don't know how a mam is supposed to say that to her 16-year-old son.
27:12I mean, you just sort of did.
27:15And don't worry, eh?
27:16Like, believe it or not, I can be irresponsible.
27:18I'm not going to be doing a rusty trombone in the Esther car park.
27:22All right?
27:22OK.
27:32What's a rusty trombone?
27:34A rusty trombone is a sex act where a man stands with his legs apart while his...
27:41This is the sofa I deserve.
27:45I think it's a sofa for a bigger house.
27:48That's the plan, sweetie.
27:49That's the plan.
27:50Yeah, I'm here.
27:52Let's team up and kill Jacob, yeah?
27:54Oh, Malice, could you get there before you murder your friend?
27:59Oh, I had to get the overground.
28:01Come here.
28:01Hello, darlings.
28:03Look at the sofa.
28:04Just a minute while I wash it off my hands.
28:06Mum, I was thinking about what you said earlier.
28:10Me and Darius.
28:11Darius and I, yes.
28:12Me and Darius.
28:14And while we're not ready yet, I was thinking maybe I should get some protection, just in case.
28:22I think that's a very good thought.
28:25I'll pick you up some condoms.
28:27Thanks, Mum.
28:29And he's not allergic to latex or anything.
28:31Oh, my God!
28:33Why are you so weird?
28:35Not weird.
28:37Well, you no longer need worry about my downstairs.
28:41I've just been to my lovely lady in Harley Street, and just as I thought, it is not a sexually
28:46transmitted infection.
28:47Right.
28:48It is just fluid around the hip joint, which is perfectly normal for a healthy woman at my time of
28:53life.
28:55So then, just a simple case of old age.
28:59Don't you dare.
29:01Listen, if anyone asks, just say I've got the clap.
29:05Thanks for having me.
29:06You're welcome.
29:10I was never here.
29:13Hi, I'm your friend.
29:20I'm your friend.
29:20I'm your friend.
29:21You're my friend.
29:27I'm your friend.
29:27What's the call?
29:27Why are you like?
29:29You're welcome.
29:29I'm your friend.
29:29I'm your friend.
29:29It's here!
29:31I'm your friend.
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