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The Last Leg - Season 34 - Episode 07
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00:01I
00:38Salute a magpie, secure your mirrors and knock on your wooden leg.
00:41It's Friday the 13th, we're live, and it's time for the last leg.
00:47Tonight on the show, America and Iran trade shots.
00:50We crack open a cold one at the Winter Paralympics.
00:53And our banknotes get a refreshing spritz.
00:57Plus, we'll be joined by comedians Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolfe on the show that
01:02always laps up the news.
01:12G'day.
01:15Hi, I'm Adam Hill.
01:17Welcome to the last leg of the show that saw this photo released today of Andrew Epstein
01:21and Mandelson and thought, that's the hardest game of shag, marry, kill ever.
01:26As always, it's the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe, and the man who thought the
01:29Strait of Hormuz was the Middle Eastern equivalent of Queer Eye, Alex Broca.
01:39Loads to get through tonight, loads to get through, but before we do, every now and then,
01:43okay, so something happens before the show, and it happened tonight, and it always happens.
01:46When Josh and Alex come out here, I introduce them to the audience, and we always do a little
01:50bit of a fist bump.
01:51Yeah, or shake hands or whatever.
01:52And last week, we did, Josh and I did the, because we're cool middle-class, middle-aged
01:57men, aren't we?
01:58And then we got to Alex and did the fist bump, and I did, and I went, oh, you can't
02:03do it.
02:04No, no, no, I don't. I mean, mainly because, like, I am 41. Not a jock in High School Musical,
02:12but no, I can't believe, but you've been doing that to me for so long.
02:17Yeah.
02:18For so long you've been doing it, and you've only, you've only just noticed, like, you've
02:21only just noticed you're the only one that climaxes.
02:24You're such an unattentive.
02:26But no, I don't, I do kind of, I kind of, I pay, I do a little bit, it's not
02:31really an
02:32explosion, is it? It's more just a little sprinkle of, like, napalm, which is also what
02:38my Scottish mates call me, but.
02:40I mean, it all, to be honest, I mean, yeah, I felt really bad about this. I felt really
02:46bad about this.
02:46But then, look, you did feel bad, and I felt bad that you felt bad, because on the plus
02:50side, like, if you did it to Josh, and went, poof, and then you came up to me and went,
02:54eww.
02:56Fuck that.
02:58Imagine if I did that to Josh, I went, poof, and then I looked to you and went, oh, the
03:01explosion's already happened.
03:05So, I felt, so, I've had something made up for you, it's a little present here, I've
03:10had a fist made up, that when you give me a fist bump, a little explosion will happen.
03:16So, can you, all right, you ready?
03:18Okay, I hope this is going to work, ready?
03:20One, two, three.
03:21Whoa!
03:24We made the explosion.
03:29It doesn't stop.
03:31You look like you've wanked off a troll now.
03:35But, am I allowed to keep this?
03:36Yeah.
03:37I'm going to have a good, bad after this show.
03:43All right.
03:46Look, we are live, as Penny Mordaunt found out last week.
03:52So, you can send any questions you want to ask us about the news.
03:55Instagram, the hashtags, is it okay?
03:57WhatsApp, the number's 07956175908.
04:00You can scan the QR code on your screen.
04:02For example, is it okay that the Bank of England is going to replace historical figures with images
04:07of U.K. wildlife on its next series of banknotes, and it's going to let the public choose which animals?
04:14No!
04:15Because if I know the British public, those animals will be Peppa Pig, Gromit, and a fox eating a nappy
04:20out of a bin.
04:22Before you know it, all paper money will be called Notey McNoteface.
04:26So, they've gone for animals, haven't they?
04:29That's what they're going to put on.
04:30Is it basically because they're worried now with people, you don't know who's going to get cancelled anymore in the
04:35future?
04:35So, they think they're safe going with animals, but you wait until they find out that there's a squirrel named
04:41in the Epstein files.
04:45Nigel Farage spoke out about that this week, and a lot of people have, blaming Wokery or PC gone mad,
04:50but the truth is, there was a public consultation.
04:5360% of people chose wildlife, and Nigel Farage should know, you have to respect the will of the people.
04:59Lib Dem leader Ed Davey was also up in arms, although his message seemed more accidentally comedic.
05:05Winston Churchill helped save our country and the whole of Europe from fascism.
05:11He deserves better than being replaced by a badger.
05:20Guys, the next bit is, replace him with two badgers.
05:24In a long coat, like they're going to the cinema.
05:28Look, it's not like Winston Churchill's being erased from history.
05:31He's still remembered by the war rooms, the statue in Parliament Square, the dog in the adverts.
05:38Look, we thought we'd do something different tonight.
05:40We've got a comedian and illustrator of the best-selling Adam Kay books, Henry Packer here, and he's going to
05:45draw a banknote throughout the show tonight.
05:49Henry, thank you so much for being here.
05:50Absolute pleasure.
05:51Can we start, though, with my suggestion, a quick illustration of a fox eating a nappy out of a bin?
05:57OK. A fox eating a nappy out of a bin? OK. Let's do it.
06:03So, start with the nose. This is a classic UK fox.
06:07Yep.
06:09OK, so that's the gob.
06:11Oh, this has changed into a very different show, hasn't it?
06:14The triangular ears, the key feature.
06:17Well, that is a good fox, isn't it?
06:19And the nappy.
06:19Yep.
06:20So, it's out of a bin. Right, so, as an illustrator, we tend to go for the old-school bins.
06:25It's the, um...
06:28Oh, lovely. Yeah, I'll put it on there.
06:30It's a classic, yeah.
06:32So, a soiled nappy?
06:34Yeah, of course.
06:36Who throws out a clean nappy?
06:39Fair do. Level of soiling?
06:41Oh, no.
06:45Oh, Brooker on a Saturday morning.
06:48Brooker on a Saturday night, OK.
06:50OK, so that's a really, really deeply heavy soil.
06:53Yeah, perfect, lovely.
06:54There's some dripping going down the side of the bin.
06:55OK, um...
06:56Right, so the fox...
06:58OK, oh, yes, for the fox, um...
07:00Do you want it on a stepladder?
07:02To be, um...
07:04To be able to reach the...
07:05Or high heels, that's the choice.
07:07Well, can it be both?
07:09I've never done that before, but let's try it, yeah.
07:11So, the front legs are on a stepladder.
07:14Yeah.
07:14Imagine people just tuning in, thinking,
07:16Alex Brooker's got better, ain't he?
07:20OK, we've got the classic tail, obviously.
07:23Yep, lovely.
07:23And the rear legs in a nice pair of, um...
07:29Nice, quite sexy...
07:30Oh, lovely, yep.
07:32Sexy high heels.
07:34And, um...
07:35Just as an illustrator, I'm legally bound, if I draw a bin,
07:38to draw a, uh...
07:39fish skeleton...
07:41sticking out of it, and a banana skin in the foreground.
07:44Also, here's just some shit UK weather.
07:49And, um...
07:50Yeah.
07:51There you go.
07:53That's...
07:53I mean, for me, that's the fiver.
07:55Oh, right.
08:02Throughout the show, Henry's gonna be creating a pound note
08:05based on, uh, whatever we talk about in the show, basically.
08:08Yep.
08:08Whatever comes up, it's gonna go on the note.
08:10Um...
08:10Thank you, Henry.
08:11Alright, let's get into the big story now.
08:13Joe said,
08:13Is it okay that the chaotic war has continued between US, Israel and Iran?
08:17Good luck, Henry.
08:22Uh...
08:22This week, America and Israel continued to take Iran and Lebanon.
08:26Meanwhile, Iran fired missiles at everything in sight.
08:28It kind of feels like Iran right now is basically the kid at school
08:32in a fight who just does this.
08:34To try and take everyone out.
08:36It's really hard to do without hitting the desk.
08:38Um...
08:39Iran are hoping they can cause enough disruption to the world's energy supplies
08:42that they can stop America and Israel from attacking them.
08:45Now, they can do this because 20% of the world's oil and gas supplies
08:49pass through something called the Strait of Hormuz,
08:51which is right below Iran.
08:53Supposed to...
08:53Oh, sorry, Josh.
08:54Isn't that just the start of EastEnders?
08:59Yes.
09:00You know what's interesting?
09:01As the bombs fell last week, they went...
09:02BOOM! BOOM!
09:05Oh, yes!
09:11APPLAUSE
09:11So, what I found out this week is basically,
09:13so, for the ships, the ships that are getting through...
09:16Yep.
09:16Basically, the way they're getting through to avoid being hit by Iranian missiles,
09:20what they're saying is, is that they're saying they're from China.
09:23Right.
09:23So, basically, it's like, it's the right for them to pretend to be Chinese,
09:26but, Josh, you did it once when we went out for that meal,
09:28and we got...
09:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:29Don't draw that!
09:31LAUGHTER
09:34It's kind of mad to go to war with someone who controls something you need to survive.
09:38That's like starting an argument with the anaesthetist right before an operation.
09:41And I still regret it.
09:44Honey went in for an ingranto now.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:47Well, to be fair, you haven't got one now.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:54Petrol prices in America have jumped 20% since the start of the war.
09:58Donald Trump is clearly spooked.
10:00Watch this enlightening clip.
10:01The President subtly deflecting the blame for attacking Iran
10:04while throwing his mates under a bus that's now 20% more expensive to refuel.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09In my opinion, based on what Steve and Jared and Pete and others were telling me,
10:16Marko was so involved that I thought that they were going to attack us.
10:22It's...
10:22It sounds like so playground, doesn't it?
10:25Like he started a war based on gossip.
10:28It's like, yes, Jared's gone up to him and gone,
10:29by the way, Donald, um, the Isle of Toller reckons he can have you.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:33Also, he says you drive a girl... you ride a girl's bike.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Yeah, I mean, World War I may have started with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
10:40World War III might start because of Jared Stephen Peat.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:46There's three guys in your chat group whose videos you don't want to open at work.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:49Or they're the three presenters of the Australian Last League.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:53And you're still bitter about them getting the job on you.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:56I, when I heard this clip, I heard something different to everyone else.
10:59Yep.
10:59I think he's blaming the war on former Liverpool captain Stephen Gerrard.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:05Look, watch again.
11:06OK.
11:06I've watched it quite a lot today.
11:08Yep.
11:08My opinion, based on what...
11:11Steve and Jared...
11:13LAUGHTER
11:18I'm just saying it.
11:20Do you know what?
11:20Jamie Carragher was in his ear.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:24Stefan Honsho was giving him all that.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28The war of memes continued this week.
11:30The White House released this truly tasteless video
11:32that made the war look like a game on Nintendo Wii.
11:35Until next time...
11:49Holy one!
11:55romp!irstreelwriest
12:03.com as you still can see our
12:05It's appalling, right?
12:06And it's not accurate, because if it was,
12:08he would have let go of the bowling ball and hit the school next door.
12:12Iran have hit back, actually, with one that's depicted in Mario Kart,
12:16but obviously Princess Peach isn't allowed to drive.
12:19Iran did actually hit back with their own homemade Lego video.
12:22I'm not making this up.
12:24This is what they put out.
12:25This explains why they think Donald Trump started the war.
12:41They are totally winning.
12:44The UK are also planning a video of their own,
12:46but it's going to take four years for Aardman Studios to make it out of clay.
12:51But it is going to be the best one.
12:53Oh, mate, can't wait for Wallace and Gromit the wrong targets.
13:00So everyone's asking, what's the end game for Donald Trump?
13:02What are they hoping to achieve out of all of this?
13:04This is the thing, though.
13:05Any time in history, when you go into the Middle East,
13:08like when there's a war, these wars are not over quickly.
13:11Yeah.
13:11No one ever goes into the Middle East for a quick one.
13:14It's like a beer garden.
13:17Middle East, it's like a beer garden.
13:18You know, you go in there, you say you're everyone, it escalates.
13:21Always escalates, and before you know it,
13:23someone's like, shots?
13:25Jager bombs?
13:27Yeah?
13:29Was there in a third?
13:31No.
13:33I'll be honest with you, it was a little bit sunny earlier,
13:36and I was just thinking about beer gardens.
13:38Before you know it, the Strait of Hormuz is backed up.
13:42The US military have reportedly...
13:44The US military have been using an AI model known as Claude
13:48to speed up the process of choosing targets.
13:51So, what, does it talk to them?
13:53Like when I talk to chat GPT?
13:55I'm assuming, yeah.
13:56You think you're bombing the Middle East?
13:58That sounds like an excellent idea.
14:01So, people, the madness is the US using it.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Using AI to choose military targets.
14:07Yes.
14:08At the same time as people who are using AI
14:10to choose a present for Mother's Day.
14:12Yep.
14:13Imagine if they got confused,
14:14and they just started bath bombing Iran.
14:19Why is the Strait of Hormuz covered in glitter and petals?
14:23How long were you in that beer garden?
14:26I'm in the image of someone going,
14:27Alexa, take out the Ayatollah.
14:29And it's like, did you say kill the Dalai Lama?
14:32No, Alexa, no, no.
14:33Sorry to everyone at home whose Alexa has just gone off.
14:36And the Dalai Lama.
14:38On Sunday, Iran announced they had chosen
14:40a new supreme leader, Moshtaba Khomeini,
14:42who will be taking over from his late father.
14:44Although, there are now reports he may have been injured
14:46in the attack that killed his father,
14:48might even be in a coma.
14:49So, we're hoping he doesn't wake up and say,
14:51hello, my name is Moshtaba Khomeini,
14:53you killed my father, prepare to die.
14:56He released a statement this week
14:57which prompted the Telegraph to run with the headline,
14:59Moshtaba Khomeini has called for Iranian unity,
15:02but he may not be alive.
15:04This whole war might come down to whether we run out of oil
15:06before they run out of ayatollahs.
15:08Who do you reckon's next?
15:10They're going to get through them.
15:11I've got an idea.
15:12There's someone who's looking for a new royal title.
15:19And he doesn't mind hot places because he doesn't sweat.
15:24He has to keep moving.
15:25Exactly.
15:27You know his nickname, the Ayatollah of Partiola.
15:31By the way, it was also revealed this week
15:32the new Ayatollah owns various properties across London.
15:35They're currently available to rent on surface-to-wear B&B.
15:38And from ayatollah to loves a dollar,
15:41Donald Trump has been handing out his favourite brand
15:44of affordable dress shoes to his aides and officials
15:46and a lot of them are apparently, reportedly afraid
15:49not to wear them in front of him.
15:52Look, there they are putting the bro into brogues.
15:55Has anyone wondered whether this might be like Cinderella
15:59and Trump has actually danced with a beautiful senator at a party
16:02and he's just trying to find out who wore the shoe
16:06and in fairness, he's already turning into a pumpkin.
16:09I'm looking forward to when he starts handing out his bronzer.
16:14And then goes, can I recommend a barber, guys?
16:18Meanwhile, the defence attaché to the UAE
16:20has made the media this week, mainly because of his name.
16:22This is a lovely image of the sandy-haired military leader
16:25known as Captain Sandy Sandilands.
16:28Which sounds like he's been named by the British public.
16:33The thing with Sandy Sandilands is once you have a bit of him somewhere,
16:36you just can't get rid of him, can you?
16:38Well, we loved the idea of Sandy Sandilands.
16:41Oh, I love it.
16:41And it turns out he's a slight fan of the last leg
16:44because we've been in contact and he's on a Zoom chat with us now.
16:48So, hello...
16:49Is he frozen?
16:52Yes, he has frozen.
16:53That's not him, but he has frozen.
16:55Oh, has he?
16:56Sandy Sandilands, are you there?
16:59No, this does not auger well for our military technology.
17:05He might have another call coming in, in fairness to him.
17:08You know when we said Aardman would be looking after the British technology?
17:12It does feel we're going at a slower pace than that.
17:15I'm not going to say I'm worried right now,
17:17but we're trying to connect with a British military officer in the Middle East
17:20and I just heard in my ear, he's completely gone.
17:23I think he's fine.
17:24Just to be very clear, this isn't a sketch.
17:27We genuinely were trying to get in contact.
17:29It now feels like we're playing a prank.
17:32Yeah.
17:32It turns out he's downloading a movie at the same time as he's trying to switch.
17:35Right, let's move on and welcome tonight's guests.
17:38One of them tries not to laugh, the other one will make it how.
17:39Please welcome Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolf.
17:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:57Welcome, sir. Welcome to you both.
17:59All right, Michelle, I'm going to throw it at you.
18:01You're American.
18:02What do you make of all this that's gone on in the Middle East and Iran and everything?
18:05And Donald Trump?
18:05Well, I just, everyone says that Trump has dementia
18:09and I just, I was wondering if he could get more of it.
18:13Not enough dementia happening in the morning?
18:15He does not, I don't think he has enough.
18:17He seems to really remember who he's angry with.
18:20Yeah.
18:21And now we're at war with Iran, which could last a very long time.
18:25I mean, these wars are never quick.
18:27This war could go on for so many years
18:29that Trump wouldn't want to have sex with it anymore.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:35And now, now we're, you know, we're supposed to trust our leaders
18:40and you can't trust Trump with anything.
18:43You can't trust him with ordering an appetizer or picking the music
18:47or what fruit is ripe.
18:51You can't trust him.
18:52Hey, does that taste good?
18:54Hey, does this look good?
18:55You couldn't trust him with real estate or spray tan or makeup coverage.
19:00And now he's sitting next to the nuclear codes
19:04and I think the only thing more alarming
19:06is if you went to your secondary school and Andrew was there.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10And the whole world's being affected, obviously.
19:13Petrol, people are stocking up on petrol.
19:14Richard, are you stockpiling anything?
19:17I mean, I'd be looking to, uh, stockpile cravats.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22Because, you know, I want to remain sport.
19:25It's very...
19:25It's hard enough to get a good dry cleaner in peacetime.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29So, and these things, they're delicate.
19:31They're very delicate.
19:32You can hand wash them, but they'll fade.
19:35Do they pass through and...
19:36You know, I need to maintain standards.
19:39Someone's got to look like a Columbo villain.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:42After the apocalypse.
19:44Have you ever worn anything, uh, purely because someone gave it to you?
19:47This has been taken from a military dictator.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:51And hopefully I'll be able to travel there
19:53immediately after this joke works itself out.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58LAUGHTER
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00Uh, now, we didn't get to talk to Sandy Sandiland.
20:03Oh, is he here?
20:03This is a shame. No, no, no, but you've come up...
20:05You've come up with the game based on his name.
20:07Based on it, yeah, in honour of...
20:08In honour of Sandy.
20:09So, we were inspired by Sandy Sandiland,
20:12so we came up with our own name, our own game,
20:14which is about nominative determinisms.
20:16So, we're, of course, calling it That Job's My Name.
20:19That job's my name.
20:23That job's my name.
20:24That job's my name.
20:25That job's my name.
20:28APPLAUSE
20:30APPLAUSE
20:35OK, the gameplay is simple.
20:37We're going to show you a job and a name,
20:39and these are real or fake people.
20:42You have to tell us whether this person really does the job.
20:46To lock the answers in, we've given you very simple props.
20:49If you think it's true, put on the Trilby of Truth.
20:51Brooke will show you that.
20:53Yep, there you go.
20:54You basically just...
20:55Hang on a second.
20:55Just put it on like that, really.
20:57Yep.
20:58And if you think it's false, put on the fedora of false.
21:00Sorry, I love that you went,
21:01then I might need to explain how to wear a hat.
21:03A fedora of false.
21:05Put that on, Hilsie.
21:06Put that on, Hilsie.
21:07OK.
21:07There you go.
21:08There's a fedora.
21:08And whoever we...
21:09A fedora of false leg over there.
21:10Oh, look at that.
21:11Look at that.
21:13There you go.
21:14How's that?
21:14Blimey.
21:15That's the most Australian man I've ever seen in my life.
21:18Now, there is a mystery prize for the winner.
21:21OK?
21:21Here's a mystery prize.
21:22Here it is.
21:22There it is.
21:25Let's unveil...
21:25It's not much of a mystery.
21:27It's a box.
21:28Let's unveil the first name.
21:31Brooker, read it out.
21:32Is there a urologist called Dr. Dick Chop?
21:39I've seen this urologist.
21:42I can tell you the answer is...
21:44It's true!
21:45Correct!
21:46Yay!
21:51I feel like that hat looked better on me than I thought it would.
21:54Is the president of the Royal Horticultural Society called Tim Flowers?
22:03I mean...
22:05They're taking it more seriously than I thought, Alex.
22:08I've got to say, a lot of these are guesses.
22:10Yeah.
22:10I would also...
22:11I feel like there's a guy named Tim Flowers that would love to work with flowers, but he doesn't.
22:16Wow.
22:17I can tell you the answer is...
22:18It is false.
22:19You've got to know that guy again!
22:21But he is called Keith Weed.
22:25There's also a urologist.
22:30I like the way you made the joke and then flipped the hat.
22:36Next one.
22:38I can't demonstrate that.
22:39Right then.
22:40Is there a man who runs a temp agency called Steve Jobs?
22:46I thought he was dead.
22:49True?
22:52It's false.
22:54But I can tell you, I don't know if you know this, he did used to run a company called
22:58Apple.
22:58Come on!
22:59You've heard of me!
23:00Final one.
23:01Final one.
23:01One, Steve Jobs.
23:02Is there another urologist called Dr. Burns Cox?
23:06There it is.
23:09I want this to be true about how I feel about men a lot of times.
23:14But I think it's false.
23:16Oh, it's to decide.
23:17I mean, I put on the wrong hat.
23:18I put on the wrong hat.
23:18Well, hang on a minute.
23:19Wait, I think we...
23:20For the gameplay, do you want to choose a different hat?
23:23They're not both of you, do you?
23:25No!
23:29I can tell you, the answer is...
23:31I'll go with it.
23:32True!
23:33Correct!
23:34You are our winner!
23:35And you win your prize, which is a special pair of Donald Trump's shoes.
23:40But don't worry, Michelle, you are not the only winner, because everyone gets a shoe!
23:45Here we go!
23:46Come on, Josh, you get a shoe!
23:48You get a shoe!
23:49Please don't frighten the lady in a wheelchair, Josh.
23:52Please don't throw wheelchairs at the same...
23:53The shoes at the same people.
23:55Keep going, here we go.
23:56You get a shoe!
23:57We'll have more last week for you after the break as we check out the action of the Winter Paralympics
24:01and we finally get to talk to Sandy Sanderson, who I believe...
24:04Sandy Sandilands, who I believe is back on the line.
24:07We'll see you in a little bit.
24:21Welcome back to Last Leg.
24:22We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Ioharty.
24:25We have got in contact with Sandy Sandilands in the UAE, defence attaché to the UAE.
24:32Come in, Sandy Sandilands.
24:33Yes!
24:34Hey Adam, how are you?
24:38Thank you for joining us.
24:39What has your fame been like this week?
24:41It's been bonkers, mate, honestly.
24:45The reaction to the ex-feed that the embassy put out has just been crazy.
24:50Seven million views.
24:51You know, I just hope that half of those actually listen to the message, but most of them were
24:56interested in the name and the location.
24:59So yeah, I am the Sandy in the Sandy desert in the UAE.
25:03And Sandy is a nickname because it's normal in the army to give people nicknames.
25:08Are there other famous nicknames around you?
25:11I think the one that stands out for me is a guy called Jock Stirrup, so Jock Strap, who
25:16was the most senior guy in the military.
25:19And what I quite admire about him is a lot of guys, when they get senior, they start,
25:22you know, Steve becomes Steven and all that.
25:24But this guy went right to the very top of the military and stuck with Jock Strap, so
25:27I like that.
25:29And listen, how do you think Alex Brooker would go in the military?
25:32Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
25:34I was watching last week and I saw his kind of shower chair.
25:37So we have a unit called the Mobile Bath and Shower Unit, or we used to have in the Pioneer
25:41Corps.
25:41So maybe he could bring his bath chair along to that.
25:43But actually, thinking about it, if he's going to serve in the military, then you've got
25:47to kind of go through it all and not bottle it.
25:49And as an Arsenal fan, I'm not convinced he can do that.
25:52Hey!
25:53Ah!
25:55Sorry, Sandy, we're losing your show, mate.
25:59Oh, sorry.
25:59It's all right.
26:00I told you he's got my internet again, hasn't he?
26:02It's all right.
26:02All my mates call me Handy Handelands anyway, so...
26:06Good luck out there.
26:07Thanks very much for joining us.
26:08Sandy Sanderland.
26:10Sandy!
26:15Moving on, Gemma said, is it OK?
26:16It's OK that Peter Mandelson still has his lordship.
26:19So documents were released this week that led to questions about due diligence shown
26:22by the Prime Minister when he appointed Peter Mandelson as ambassador to the US, despite
26:26Mandelson's friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:28Turns out the vetting process had all the rigour of BBC's iPlayer when it says, do you
26:32have a TV licence?
26:35I've got away with that one before.
26:38What would have stopped him getting the job?
26:41Being friends with two pedos?
26:42Sorry, it says specifically, criteria, friends with one pedo.
26:46More or less, sorry.
26:48Keir Starmer apologised for the appointment, but if his vetting process could be represented
26:51by video, it would be this famous one of a Tottenham security guard.
26:56Any links to Epstein?
26:58No, go through.
26:59Any links to Epstein?
27:00No, go through.
27:02Any links to Epstein?
27:03No, go through.
27:05Any links to Epstein?
27:07No, yeah, you're all right.
27:08Go through.
27:09I absolutely loved your impression there, Hilda.
27:12But, Alex, you said something on the show a couple of weeks ago
27:14that I think might be true.
27:16Oh.
27:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:19Mum, can you record this?
27:20How dare you accuse him of truth.
27:22Could he have appointed...
27:23Get the trilby of truth on, Brooker.
27:26He's possibly appointed Mandelson to keep Trump on side
27:29because, basically, Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein said, supposedly,
27:33quote, Donald Trump doesn't have a decent cell in his body,
27:35which would suggest Epstein knew some shit about Trump.
27:37And if Peter Mandelson was friends with Epstein,
27:40then he probably knew some shit about Trump, too.
27:43So maybe, like you said, send a wrong'un to deal with a wrong'un.
27:46And, honestly, in a couple of weeks,
27:48you're going to be comparing the war in the Middle East
27:49to going in a beer garden.
27:52Mandelson apparently asked for just £500,000
27:55when he eventually was sacked, but settled for £75,000,
27:59which makes him the worst negotiator ever.
28:01I just want to get out one tiny pun.
28:04Yeah.
28:04Because we had Sandy Lance.
28:06Yeah.
28:06He said, uh, instead of Mandelson,
28:09he should be kid-delson.
28:11It's not a good pun.
28:14The whole time I always thought,
28:16Mandelson, kid-delson.
28:17Kid-delson, right.
28:19And I've been thinking about it
28:21the whole time you were talking.
28:24I had to get it out of my body.
28:26I'm sorry.
28:28Many people around Mandelson have said similar things.
28:43I love the way you're also both mirroring body language
28:46and green trousers together.
28:48We're trying to out-defensive one another.
28:51How sandy were his curtains, by the way?
28:54So sandy.
28:55He was hamming it up.
28:56That guy.
28:57He came with a club act.
28:58He had the tightest three minutes I've ever seen from the military now.
29:02I mean, I've never seen camouflage work so well.
29:06Yeah.
29:06I mean, he was basically the curtain.
29:10We actually had him on before.
29:11We just couldn't see him.
29:14Let's jump into the Winter Paralympics now.
29:16Steve said,
29:16Is it OK that after two fourths places,
29:18Neil Simpson and his guide Rob Poth bring home silver?
29:21Yes, it bloody is for GB.
29:23Here's the medal moment.
29:26Come on, Neil Simpson.
29:27One last drive into the finish.
29:29He goes into the lead.
29:31But by how much?
29:324.96 seconds.
29:35Oh, that was fabulous.
29:3842.52 on that slalom run.
29:48It's worth explaining what's happening there.
29:50Yeah, so like he's being guided.
29:52So the guy in the front is his guide.
29:54So the guy's visually impaired.
29:55Neil Simpson's visually impaired.
29:56So he's being guided basically by the guy
29:58with a Bluetooth headset on in front of him.
30:00He's basically probably going like left a bit, right.
30:02I mean, I don't know the exact terminology.
30:04I didn't know you were an expert, but what did he say
30:07if they want to go to the other side?
30:09Not right a bit.
30:10Oh, bloody hell.
30:11But that is like the ultimate trust.
30:14I couldn't trust any of my mates to do that.
30:18They'd just be going, left, only fucking about.
30:20It's a treat.
30:22Also, you need to trust your Bluetooth.
30:23You don't want that to drop out halfway down.
30:26It gets at the bottom halfway down the hill
30:28and you just hear, bloop, bloop.
30:33Best impression of Spotify I've ever heard.
30:36Shout out to Nina Sparks, by the way,
30:38the first British female para-snowboarder.
30:40And also, Davey Giv, the first snow sport winter Paralympian
30:44with motor neurone disease.
30:46Davey said, was I fastest down the course today?
30:48Absolutely not.
30:49But my race and battle is with MND
30:51and today I'm winning that race.
30:53Well done, Davey.
31:01GB and Australia currently have one silver medal each,
31:04but Australia also have a bronze.
31:06Meanwhile, the Italian para ice hockey team
31:08released this brilliant clip of their training regime.
31:33It's so interesting that in Italy that's training,
31:36but in Britain that's a pip test.
31:40GB's curlers didn't make it to the medal podium,
31:42but they did provide us with some of the best self-commentary
31:44of the games.
31:47It's right out there, Lake.
31:49Mine's good.
31:51Morgan's got the weight, though, Joe.
31:52How do you feel?
31:53I love the dynamic between these two.
32:01We've got those two on the line now,
32:03so please welcome Jason Keane and Joe Butterfield.
32:07No, we don't.
32:13Not again!
32:14Sandy Sandalums is going to pop back up.
32:16I have done this show via Skype as well.
32:19If you're away from Peckham, it's an hour.
32:22To be fair to these guys,
32:23they are at the Winter Paralympics,
32:24so it's not surprising they're frozen.
32:26Well, no, we've got them.
32:27We've got them.
32:28Jason and Joe, hello!
32:33Alex, you want to jump straight in with a question?
32:35Yeah, Jason, I've just got a...
32:37The main question is,
32:38what do you mean by,
32:39how many bags of milk have you thrown in your life?
32:43I've never heard that phrase.
32:45Wait a minute.
32:46I'll just explain.
32:47It's not the curling stone that's a bag of milk.
32:49It's actually Jason.
32:50It is me.
32:51I am the bag of milk.
32:53Because as you can see from many of the videos,
32:56I am a rather large portion.
32:57So, with my break being high,
33:01so I'm paralyzed from the armpits down.
33:03So, whenever I don't throw it well,
33:06then it comes out almost like a bag of milk.
33:09So, my coach, he named it.
33:12He was like,
33:13keep a hold of your stabilizer properly.
33:15Throw it strong, me.
33:16He says,
33:16and stop throwing it like a bag of milk.
33:18So, when I let that stone go,
33:20I was like,
33:21threw it like a bag of milk.
33:22Turned out it was a pretty good stone,
33:24to be honest.
33:26And, Joe, of course,
33:27you were in Rio as well.
33:28You won gold in Rio
33:30in the summer Paralympics.
33:31How does this one compare?
33:33Well, not quite as good as that,
33:34since we didn't get gold.
33:35But, you know,
33:37it's a bit different.
33:38The Winter Games is probably a bit more of a family.
33:40It's kind of a smaller group of people.
33:42And they've got a bit of a culture going on.
33:45But other than that,
33:46it's pretty similar.
33:47And, Jason,
33:48as your first Paralympic Games,
33:49how are you finding it?
33:51It would have been a hell of a lot better
33:52to get a bit of metal around the neck.
33:55Like, that was the plan.
33:57But as an experience,
33:58it's absolutely mental.
34:01Like, coming in like,
34:02oh, wait, man, look at this.
34:04Do I look like an athlete?
34:05Next thing you know,
34:06come on,
34:07you're going off to the Paralympics.
34:08You've managed to make the grade somehow.
34:10It's been unbelievable.
34:12Like,
34:12it seems a shame that it's coming to an end.
34:14And it's a shame that it came to an end a bit early for us as well.
34:17And are you aiming for four years' time now?
34:21Hopefully, yeah.
34:22That's the plan.
34:22Like,
34:23it's pretty special in the Paralympic Games.
34:25We don't normally get to compete in front of a crowd.
34:27And the noise in the arena
34:28at the curling stadium there was insane.
34:31The Italians have done a good job.
34:32So,
34:33to come back four years' time,
34:34it's critical.
34:35Excellent.
34:35Well, get out there,
34:36get training,
34:36and maybe next time you'll throw out
34:37like a semi-skimmed bag of milk.
34:41Just like a bottle of milk will do
34:43because at least that's solid.
34:47Round of applause for Jason and Joe.
34:49Enjoy the rest of your time there.
34:52We'll have more last week for you after the break
34:54as we unveil this week's mystery guest.
34:55We'll see you in a little bit.
35:10Welcome back to Last Week.
35:11We're joined by Michelle Wolfe
35:12and Richard Aoiwati.
35:13Michelle, of course,
35:14you're off on tour this summer.
35:15Yes.
35:16The name of the tour?
35:17Best job in the world.
35:18Best job in the world.
35:19Oh my God,
35:20I had so much hair.
35:21Oh.
35:22That was before I had a baby.
35:24I had so much hair.
35:25Look at this.
35:26I look like a little boy.
35:29Get Peter Mandelson away from me.
35:34And it's just occurred to me,
35:35you didn't end up being a wolf.
35:38Yes.
35:38So in terms of nominative determinism.
35:41No.
35:41I mean, how disappointing is that?
35:43Yeah.
35:43I could have been a wolf
35:44and I'm a little boy instead.
35:48It's good for Peter Mandelson,
35:49but well,
35:50but if you were together
35:51with Peter Mandelson,
35:52you'd be Peter and the Wolf,
35:53so.
35:54Oh.
35:55Oh my God.
35:58That might be my favourite joke.
36:00Everyone was so impressed
36:01they didn't laugh.
36:03Get your own out.
36:05In medical news this week,
36:06a surgeon in London
36:08has performed the UK's
36:09first long-distance robotic operation
36:11on a patient who was
36:121,500 miles away in Gibraltar.
36:14Here are some graphic footage
36:16of the operation.
36:17We need to get him on this Wi-Fi.
36:19A historic moment,
36:202,400 kilometres away.
36:24Unbelievable.
36:26We used a robot
36:28and a very specialised connection
36:30between London to Gibraltar.
36:34Didn't fail at all.
36:36The time delay
36:37between the two sides,
36:4060 milliseconds.
36:42We need to get him on this Wi-Fi.
36:45LAUGHTER
36:47For how you're zoomed.
36:49I'll tell you what,
36:50I bet you he's great
36:51on them grabber machines
36:52in the arcade.
36:54Just a house full of the boo-boos.
36:57It's impressive,
36:58but if you are the patient
36:59and they go,
37:00we're going to try
37:01a historic thing on you,
37:02I'd go,
37:03no.
37:04I want my operation
37:06to be done.
37:07Yeah, you can do it.
37:08I don't want you to do it, though.
37:10The patient described it
37:11as a no-brainer.
37:12It was ironic
37:13because it was a prostate removal.
37:15It wasn't,
37:16that's not a joke.
37:16Oh, yeah?
37:17They have,
37:18they're doing robotic
37:20prostate removals.
37:21I just want them to do
37:22one thing for women's health.
37:24Just one thing.
37:25Like a better tampon
37:26or...
37:28To act like
37:30endometriosis.
37:34Diagnose women correctly.
37:35Tell them,
37:36don't be like,
37:37you're just whiny.
37:38No, it's a real,
37:39there's fibroids
37:41filling my body.
37:42We can't get the robots
37:43to do that.
37:47It is appropriate
37:48that it was a prostate removal
37:49because Gibraltar
37:51is very much
37:51the prostate of Spain.
37:53Well, no, by that,
37:54I mean it's,
37:54it's hidden away
37:55at the bottom.
37:56No one knows why it's there,
37:57but it's a lot of fun
37:57to visit on holiday.
38:02In AI news,
38:04a woman from Florida
38:05asked her chat GPT
38:06this week
38:07to suggest a place
38:07to live
38:08based on amenities
38:10that she put in
38:10that she was looking for.
38:11She's now planning
38:12to move to Torquay
38:13in Devon.
38:14Yes.
38:14Because that's where
38:15it told her to go.
38:16Rightly so.
38:18AI has finally reached
38:19peak intelligence.
38:21I love this.
38:22This Florida woman
38:23is going to go there
38:24and she's going to,
38:25she's going to see
38:25the sea there,
38:27which is going to be
38:28very different from Florida
38:29and she's going to be like,
38:30is this where
38:31World War II happened?
38:34It's like the movies,
38:35am I in Dunkirk?
38:37And look,
38:38you might think
38:38Florida's different
38:39to Torquay,
38:40but Mar-a-Lago
38:40is a lot like
38:41the hotel in Faulty Towers.
38:43They're both owned
38:44by shouty dictatorial men
38:45who have zero people skills
38:46and don't get on
38:47with their wives.
38:48Although Mar-a-Lago
38:48has slightly more mentions
38:49of the war.
38:51All right,
38:51it's time to bring on
38:52this week's mystery guest.
38:53Michelle and Richard
38:53have to work out
38:54how they're connected
38:54to the news.
38:55Can we have
38:55the mystery guest,
38:56please?
39:08So,
39:08this is Glenn.
39:10Glenn was in the news
39:10this week
39:11because he's going
39:12for his 18th
39:13World Championship.
39:15But what is it in?
39:16Can we have
39:17the dramatic
39:18lighting change,
39:19please?
39:21Is it in
39:22being the quickest
39:23person to eat
39:2480 grams of watercress?
39:26Being the man
39:27with the mintiest breath?
39:29Or,
39:29being the person
39:30who can fit
39:31the most basil
39:32in their ears
39:33and nose?
39:36Have a think.
39:36Have a look at him.
39:38Have a discuss.
39:39We will reveal
39:40the mystery guest
39:41after the break.
39:42We'll also end the show
39:42by going head-to-head
39:43with him
39:44in a challenge.
39:45We'll see you
39:46in a little bit.
40:00Welcome back to The Last Leg.
40:01We're joined by Michelle
40:01Wolf and Richard Ayoade.
40:02Now, before the break,
40:03we challenged our guest
40:04to work out how this person
40:05was connected to the news.
40:06Can we have the options
40:07again, please?
40:09So,
40:10Glenn has been in the news
40:11because he's going
40:11for his 18th
40:12World Championship.
40:13But is it in?
40:15Being the quickest
40:16person to eat
40:1680 grams of watercress?
40:18Is it being the man
40:19with the mintiest breath?
40:20Or is it C,
40:22being the person
40:22who can fit
40:23the most basil
40:24in their ears
40:25and nose?
40:27The floor is yours.
40:28Oh, I like that.
40:30Yes.
40:31Well, 80 grams
40:34feels a very specific amount
40:37that, with all due respect
40:39to the team,
40:39I don't think
40:40they would have thought up.
40:45And when you say
40:47the team,
40:47I need to point out
40:48it's Josh and Alex
40:49that come up with things.
40:50Yeah, that's
40:51that's what I meant
40:51by the team.
40:55How very dare you?
40:57I very dare.
40:58And all of these
40:58are X and album titles.
41:01But...
41:02Yeah, I would say
41:0480 grams is very specific.
41:08I...
41:08It's just
41:09he doesn't look like
41:09he eats a lot of lettuce.
41:13Well, 80 grams
41:15isn't a huge amount.
41:16OK, I need an answer.
41:17Well, you say
41:18you need an answer.
41:20I think we need
41:20to discuss it
41:21for another 10 minutes.
41:22I... yeah.
41:23OK.
41:24We can...
41:24I'm most concerned
41:25about the belly button
41:26on the T-shirt.
41:27Yeah.
41:28OK.
41:28We need an answer.
41:29Let me put it
41:30another way.
41:31OK.
41:32And now we've seen his...
41:33all the Kress final answer.
41:35All the Kress final answer.
41:37It was Kress.
41:39OK.
41:39Well, I haven't even run that by.
41:41Yes.
41:42Yes.
41:42Yes.
41:42Glenn, what is the truth?
41:43I am a 17 times
41:46watercress-eating champion.
41:48Yay!
41:51APPLAUSE
41:51APPLAUSE
41:53APPLAUSE
41:56Where's your other 17 trophies?
42:00LAUGHTER
42:00So how...
42:01I'll give it back every year.
42:03How did you get into it?
42:04Oh, it's back in 2002.
42:06Oxford, where I come from,
42:07started a festival up
42:08to celebrate the spring
42:10where they got the first crop
42:12of watercress.
42:13Rugby boys
42:14do all the parking
42:15and helping out.
42:16We decided,
42:17after a while,
42:18we got a bit bored
42:19in the afternoon
42:19after playing cock and ball.
42:21And then...
42:22We haven't got time!
42:24That's not a world championship
42:25you want to win.
42:26LAUGHTER
42:29Anyway, we just saw...
42:30We've got all this green stuff.
42:31What are we going to do with it?
42:32I said,
42:32we've had a few beers.
42:33Let's try and eat as much as we can
42:35so you can eat the most of it.
42:37Didn't end up well.
42:38That's it.
42:39Puking up.
42:40And the thing is,
42:41next day as well,
42:42after a few more beers...
42:44LAUGHTER
42:45Honestly,
42:46let's put it this way,
42:47I wasn't constipated.
42:48In fact,
42:48I had a ring piece
42:49like a dragon's nostril.
42:50LAUGHTER
42:51LAUGHTER
42:51OK.
42:52What does it take
42:53to be a good...
42:54a good cress eater?
42:56Is that...
42:56Cress-er?
42:57Yeah, what do you need?
42:58What do you need to be a good cress eater?
42:59Well, because it's peppery
43:00and horrible
43:01in a sense,
43:02like that.
43:03Um,
43:03I think
43:04having a big hands
43:05and a big bob...
43:08Get it down there quick
43:09and get rid of it
43:10and that's why I have
43:11the old Guinness afterwards,
43:11just get rid of it.
43:12Oh...
43:13How many other people
43:14are you competing against?
43:16LAUGHTER
43:17LAUGHTER
43:18It's just worldwide,
43:18you know?
43:19Well, I'll tell you what,
43:19we're going to end the show
43:20by competing against Glenn.
43:21They do heats.
43:23OK.
43:23We're going to have a competition
43:24at the end of the show.
43:25Glenn, thank you so much
43:26for being here.
43:26We'll see you in a minute
43:27because we're going to have a competition.
43:28APPLAUSE
43:29LAUGHTER
43:30APPLAUSE
43:31LAUGHTER
43:34APPLAUSE
43:34Let's check in with Henry Packer
43:35who has been designing
43:37a pound note,
43:39a ten pound note,
43:39I believe,
43:40throughout the show
43:41based on what's gone on
43:42in the show.
43:42Yes, indeed.
43:43Yes, so, yeah,
43:44this is sort of...
43:45Oh, wow, look at that.
43:46Actually, would you two
43:47mind holding this?
43:48So I can talk you through it.
43:51Yeah, so, yeah,
43:52quite a lot going on.
43:52We've got Donald Trump here
43:54using a Wii controller
43:55to control the war.
43:57Yep.
43:57He's on a sofa
43:58at home by himself.
43:59I've depicted him
43:59with quite weak legs,
44:01which is satire.
44:03LAUGHTER
44:07But, of course,
44:07it's actually more,
44:08even more sinister
44:09than it looks
44:09because Donald Trump
44:10himself is being puppeted
44:12by Steven Gerrard.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:15LAUGHTER
44:17I've got...
44:17Here we've got
44:18Sandy Sandilands Part 1.
44:20That's Sandy Sandilands,
44:20that's him camouflaged
44:22against the persons.
44:24Here we've got...
44:25We've got Hilsey
44:26as a kangaroo
44:29with...
44:29In your pouch,
44:30you've got...
44:31You've got Brooker
44:32and Josh there
44:32and your feet
44:34feeding Alex
44:35with milk.
44:37And just sort of
44:38ruffling Josh's hand.
44:39It's quite a sweet
44:40and slightly sinister
44:41image at the same time.
44:42Yeah.
44:43Then we've got
44:43Sandy Sandilands Part 2.
44:45This is a more
44:45realistic take.
44:47I was fascinated
44:48by how low down
44:49his camera was.
44:51LAUGHTER
44:52LAUGHTER
44:53And, yes,
44:54on the nominative
44:55determinism theme,
44:56I've tried it for everyone,
44:58for the whole cast tonight,
44:59so we've got Alex Brooker
45:00here who's in a brook.
45:02LAUGHTER
45:04Which is quite clever.
45:06We've got...
45:07Yeah, we've got hills here
45:09as a hill.
45:10Yeah.
45:10There you go.
45:11With one leg,
45:12which is actually more
45:12than the average hill,
45:13so you're doing really well there.
45:14We've got Michelle Wolf,
45:17sort of hermit crab wolf.
45:18Henry, I'm afraid we have
45:19to wrap it up.
45:20Can you go through
45:20really quickly?
45:21And we've got rich hard.
45:23So I've picked you
45:24as rich, there's money,
45:25there's money.
45:25You've got one of those
45:25hot taps instead of a kettle
45:27because you're rich.
45:27Yes.
45:28You're also ripped
45:28and you're hard,
45:29so the hot tap is actually
45:30going onto your arms
45:31and you're fine with it
45:31because you're rich and hard.
45:33What about my second name?
45:34Thank you so much, Henry.
45:35Didn't have time.
45:37We're going to win the show
45:37with the quest-leading contest.
45:39Thank you, Henry.
45:39But before we do,
45:40would you please thank
45:40our guest,
45:41Michelle Wolf.
45:44Richard Iowani
45:45and Henry Packer
45:48and my co-host Josh Whittakam
45:50and Alex Brooker.
45:54We'll be back next week
45:55with social media star
45:56GK Barry and comedian Jack D.
45:58But right now,
45:59it's time for this.
46:00We'll be back next week.
46:31All right.
46:32We're doing this.
46:33We've got Cress in front of you.
46:35You've got to beat
46:36the world champion.
46:37What's your best time?
46:3825.5.
46:4025.5 seconds.
46:42Three, two, one, go.
46:44Go.
46:46Go.
46:46Go.
46:47Go.
46:47Go.
47:13Oh, my goodness.
47:16Is Michelle going to win?
47:19I'm going to be honest.
47:19I think Michelle has done this.
47:21One, two, one, go.
47:25Oh.
47:27Hey.
47:28Oh.
47:29Yes.
47:30Of course.
47:31You know what you're doing.
47:32You know what you're doing.
47:34Oh.
47:41There you go.
47:43You're all right, Michelle.
47:44Thanks for watching The Last League.
47:46My name's Adam Hills.
47:46See you next week for The Next League.
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