- 9 hours ago
Purge of Kingdoms- The Unauthorized Game of Thrones Parody (2019) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:35Eight kingdoms
00:00:39One fat king to rule them all
00:00:43Does that work for you guys? Is the accent good?
00:00:46Nope, I'm not doing it again
00:00:47And what the hell are we looking at here?
00:00:50Is this an alien abduction movie?
00:00:52Change this
00:00:53But ruling them isn't enough for this king
00:00:58What's this now?
00:00:59A dark room full of pot smokers
00:01:01This is how we're starting the movie
00:01:03Change
00:01:04Our story begins here
00:01:07In this wild western world
00:01:12What the fuck is this?
00:01:14You know what? Forget it
00:01:16Just start this shit
00:01:21Peasants of wild western world
00:01:23Welcome to the sporting event of the weekend
00:01:35It's Aeneas
00:01:37It's A-E-N-E-A-S
00:01:44I think I'm going to go and
00:01:45I think we're going to go over to the tent
00:01:48And have the cocksuckers
00:01:49Okay
00:01:51Oh fuck
00:01:51I think I just farted
00:01:53I just farted
00:01:53I think I just shat in my mouth
00:02:02Myself cleaned up
00:02:03Fuck off
00:02:04Master of secrets
00:02:05Let's go
00:02:09No
00:02:11What is this anus shit?
00:02:15His name is Aeneas
00:02:16A-E-N-E-A-S
00:02:18You fucking peasants
00:02:20Are so fucking uneducated
00:02:22Anus
00:02:23Put the fucking sides away
00:02:31Hello girls
00:02:49My name is Aeneas
00:02:52A-N-U-S
00:02:59A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:03:03-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:03:14-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:03:16-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:03:18-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:03:19-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
00:04:24I said wine.
00:04:25Give me some wine now.
00:04:27Don't fucking spill it on me.
00:04:30You fucking idiot.
00:04:31I...
00:04:43Yes?
00:04:45My lord.
00:04:45Yes.
00:04:47I have seen him.
00:04:51Who have you seen?
00:04:53The one who predicts our future.
00:04:55The one who makes us envious.
00:04:58The one who paints pictures of life and death with one fell swoop of a tweet.
00:05:15You brought me here for this?
00:05:17I swear he was out here.
00:05:20Sport.
00:05:22More.
00:05:24Oh.
00:05:38Wow.
00:05:39Wow, man.
00:05:41He came back.
00:05:42Man, it's such an honor.
00:05:44It's like a cool, man.
00:05:46Wow.
00:05:48I've seen your future.
00:05:49Yeah, man.
00:05:50I mean, look at that.
00:05:51It's so bright I gotta wear shades, you know?
00:05:53You know what I'm saying?
00:05:55Unless you quit the violence around here, all you motherfuckers are gonna die.
00:06:00Now I'm telling you, if you wanna be in any more books or TV shows, y'all better stop
00:06:05killing each other.
00:06:15And it shall be decreed thus.
00:06:18No longer shall we live in a land where the defenseless fall prey to vicious predators and sexual deviance.
00:06:25Let us restore the peace which our ancestors once enjoyed.
00:06:30Excuse me, my lord, but there has never been peace in Wild Westerworld.
00:06:35No?
00:06:36No, my lord.
00:06:37Okay.
00:06:39Let it thus be decreed that it is time to come out of the Dark Ages into a new age
00:06:45of everlasting peace.
00:06:47And that is why I want you to join us here at King's Shire tomorrow, sundown, for Purge Fest 3000.
00:06:56Sounds good, doesn't it?
00:06:57I'm sorry, my lord, but did you say purge?
00:07:02Yes.
00:07:02Yes, you impotent cocks.
00:07:04Yes, I did.
00:07:07Isn't it Purge where you violently remove a couple of people?
00:07:10No, no, no, no.
00:07:11It's more like a bar mitzvah with music and just a few whores.
00:07:14Make sure they're big tits.
00:07:15You know, I like the big tits.
00:07:16You know that?
00:07:17After you've sent out the invites and everyone comes to the party and we've ushered them all into the hall.
00:07:26I want you to make sure that the doors to the hall are locked from the outside.
00:07:38And then I want you to make sure that we have plenty of dragon fire because I'm going to burn
00:07:48everyone alive.
00:08:17No, really, really, thank you.
00:08:18It was nothing.
00:08:48Now it's your turn, baby brother.
00:08:49Hello?
00:08:50Hey.
00:09:08Okay, okay.
00:09:10Which one of you was the marksman at 10?
00:09:15I see.
00:09:17But keep practicing, Brandon.
00:09:18You'll get there soon enough.
00:09:21I don't want to pressure you or anything.
00:09:23But you're embarrassing our entire house.
00:09:25Try to at least hit something near the target this time.
00:09:27Here, just shoot.
00:09:28Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, I'm all right.
00:09:31I'm okay, I'm fine, it's okay.
00:09:42So, what's happening?
00:09:43It's stuck.
00:09:45Oh, well.
00:09:46We did our best, didn't we?
00:09:47That's all they can ask for.
00:09:50Look, that's him.
00:09:53My God, he's us.
00:09:55Excuse me?
00:09:57What's up, you horny bitches?
00:09:59Can I get an autograph?
00:10:04Nothing's up, really.
00:10:05We're just talking about going to get some cheeses.
00:10:08Right, guys?
00:10:08Yeah, yeah.
00:10:11But what about the war?
00:10:13It gave you stuff, Commander Doe.
00:10:15Well, you do this in your fashion.
00:10:20Get some help here, brothers.
00:10:21Yes, Commander Doe.
00:10:22Yes, yes.
00:10:23War!
00:10:25War!
00:10:26Harder!
00:10:31Why are you grabbing my nipples?
00:10:33Uh, I saw the other guys, uh, helping, so I thought I'd join in.
00:10:39How does that help the gate come down?
00:10:42Yes.
00:10:42Well, indeed.
00:10:44Yeah.
00:10:44Good point.
00:10:45Uh, my deepest apologies, it won't happen again.
00:10:47Ah, that's stuck.
00:10:49Men, this is what you get when you let Lord Trumpet of Orange build the wall with the outsider's money.
00:11:00Men, get the torches.
00:11:03There's someone coming.
00:11:06Hello, everybody.
00:11:08It's me, Lord Trumpet of Orange.
00:11:12And I want to give you an update on my ratings.
00:11:15They're incredible.
00:11:16They're amazing.
00:11:18They're tremendous.
00:11:19Talk about the wall, sir.
00:11:20Shut up, Miller.
00:11:23This amazing wall, which I installed and was paid for by the brown people, who, by the way, did not
00:11:30vote for me.
00:11:31Very stupid and sad, frankly.
00:11:33No brown people, sir.
00:11:34This wall was built with the finest wood in all of Wild Wester World.
00:11:42And, as you can see, it's huge.
00:11:46Just like my penis.
00:11:51Oh, my stars.
00:11:54You are like my star in the Valdar.
00:12:04Oh, ride me.
00:12:05Ride me to the end of the world, you beast.
00:12:09Oh, my God.
00:12:14Denise, my skanky slutty sister.
00:12:17There you are.
00:12:18Look what just arrived from King Shire.
00:12:25It looks like the invitation to a party.
00:12:31When they write the history of my reign, it will start today.
00:12:38How exciting.
00:12:40What day is it?
00:12:41February 31st.
00:12:42Now we shall travel to King Shire at once and deliver a special surprise to our friend, the king.
00:12:47I thought you hated the king.
00:12:49Of course I hate him.
00:12:49He's fluctuating all over my throne.
00:12:51But if you hate him, then why will you give him a surprise?
00:12:55Never mind.
00:12:55Just pack up your things and bring the savage with you.
00:12:59Oh, oh.
00:13:00Oh.
00:13:02Oh.
00:13:07Good evening.
00:13:09We're going to a party.
00:13:10In King Shire.
00:13:12Are there snacks?
00:13:13More snacks than you can imagine.
00:13:16Can I come?
00:13:16Of course you can come.
00:13:17You're the surprise.
00:13:19Wait, I'm not popping out of a cake again.
00:13:21We're going to give him our dragon?
00:13:24No, no.
00:13:25Not exactly.
00:13:27We shall hide Piff inside a pie and the king will cut it and then Piff will pop out and
00:13:30eat the king in front of everyone and I will be the new ruler of Wild Westerworld.
00:13:34Wait, did you just say eat the king?
00:13:36Yes, I did.
00:13:37Do you have a problem with that?
00:13:39Well, I'm actually a pescatarian, so I don't eat any living creature apart from fish because they deserve it because
00:13:46they're dickheads.
00:13:47Well, then just chew his head off and spit it out.
00:13:50What do I care?
00:13:51As long as he dies.
00:13:51Can I choke him out?
00:13:52Because I'm not very good around blood.
00:13:53Yes, yes.
00:13:54I just need him dead.
00:13:55Hold on.
00:13:56I've got a better idea.
00:13:59What about Killer here?
00:14:01Uh, no.
00:14:02You will do the killing.
00:14:04Well, I've already named him Killer, so it just seems appropriate that he should kill.
00:14:07I said no, you will kill him.
00:14:09Fine.
00:14:10I'll kill him.
00:14:11He'll be dead to you.
00:14:13Just like you're dead to me.
00:14:15You mean me by the pile of horse shit when he's down with you?
00:14:18Which one?
00:14:24Diego, my moon and my stars.
00:14:28Can you go harder?
00:14:32Harder.
00:14:32Harder like you're taking me to the moon.
00:14:35You want to go to the moon?
00:14:36I'll go to the moon.
00:14:38Yes!
00:14:39Yes!
00:14:40Yes!
00:14:55She likes boys, parties, style, fame, glamour, runway, style, fame.
00:15:11She likes dasu.
00:15:18She likes dasu.
00:15:24She likes dasu.
00:15:32Oh my God!
00:15:36It's got like an invitation.
00:15:38It's a party.
00:15:39Clearly, that's for me.
00:15:41This is my pool.
00:15:43Yeah, but...
00:15:43What's up?
00:15:57Phone, Sebastian.
00:15:59Give me my phone.
00:16:05Oh my God!
00:16:07Me too!
00:16:08Pack your things because we're going to a party!
00:16:13Oh, well, this is like genocide but without the Jews.
00:16:19And bring your own whores.
00:16:22Oh my God, you're right.
00:16:23We could be the whores.
00:16:26Oh my God!
00:16:27We're going to be so famous!
00:16:29Come on, come on, come on, come on!
00:16:32Why?
00:16:35Because it's Purge Fest.
00:16:38Duh!
00:16:43Oh no.
00:16:45Oh no, I told you guys.
00:16:47Oh, I told you we should have gone here now.
00:16:49We're going to die!
00:16:50God help us!
00:16:53Where are you going?
00:16:55You fucking coward!
00:16:56Johnny, do something!
00:16:59Do the hair!
00:17:01Yes!
00:17:03Do dance magic!
00:17:05Yeah, do it, Johnny!
00:17:20Shake your hair, bitch!
00:17:22Do it!
00:17:29Oh, that's hot!
00:17:30That's hot!
00:17:31Oh yeah, yeah!
00:17:32Go for all of them!
00:17:33All of them!
00:17:38Oh, that's hot!
00:17:48Let's do it!
00:17:49Oh!
00:17:53Wow!
00:17:53Oh!
00:17:55Ooh!
00:17:55Ooh!
00:17:56Oh!
00:18:02Whoa!
00:18:03All right, holy shit, how did you do that?
00:18:08Screw my suit, you guys go to the purge fest?
00:18:10Ah, my family wouldn't want me there, I'm a bastard.
00:18:12What do you mean your family wouldn't want you there?
00:18:14I'm your family, and you know what you need?
00:18:16You need some makeup, make yourself pretty on the inside.
00:18:19Does that work?
00:18:20Does it work?
00:18:21I think I met your mother.
00:18:22You know my mother?
00:18:23Of course I know your mother, I'm your uncle.
00:18:24Who is she?
00:18:25Listen, I'm gonna go to the purge fest, you'll meet your mother.
00:18:28I can't go right now, I gotta go out of the Segovia.
00:18:30I got a hot widow and a castle, and she's way in for me, but you guys will see a
00:18:35purge fest.
00:18:36All right, good, all right, later guys.
00:18:39So, everyone has a way down for me.
00:18:42Sorry father, I was aiming for a target, but he was in the way.
00:18:46It's okay, boy.
00:18:49Lord Salk, Lady Salk, the guardsmen have returned from the hillside.
00:18:53They've captured the deserter from the wall.
00:18:55Bob tells it meant to saddle the horses.
00:18:57Brendan, you come with me.
00:18:58Are you sure, Dennett?
00:19:00Don't you think he's too young to see such things?
00:19:03He won't be a child forever, my dear.
00:19:06This would be a good lesson for him.
00:19:08Come on, Brendan.
00:19:09I would teach you how to deal with the deserters.
00:19:14I got peanuts!
00:19:16Dear!
00:19:17Toy heads for the kids!
00:19:19Peanuts!
00:19:20Peanuts!
00:19:21Is there anything you'd like to say in your defense before I deliver your sentence?
00:19:26Yeah, I know I broke the oath, but I'm not a goddamn deserter.
00:19:29I know I should've ran to the wall, I warned him.
00:19:31But I saw what I saw, so I wouldn't just fasten me legs to carry it.
00:19:33You might think I deserve to die like a dog.
00:19:34People need a little truth.
00:19:36I might a cat eat all the ears, and the devil eat the cat, and that's all.
00:19:40Does anyone understand what this man said?
00:19:42No!
00:19:43Very well.
00:19:45Off with his head!
00:19:47Yay!
00:19:52That can't gobshite.
00:19:54In the name of Walter and the House of Falafel...
00:19:56Cut, cut, cut, cut!
00:19:58He can't hear you!
00:19:59Where's the boom guy?
00:20:04Is he Union?
00:20:05No!
00:20:07Yay!
00:20:08I'm free!
00:20:10In the name of Walter of the House of Falafel, I, Dedrick, son of Fendrell, husband of Lady
00:20:17Stork, lover of Athena, Katrina, Seraphina, and Salvador, father of Macaulay McCoctum,
00:20:25Bobeth, Ariana, Sansia...
00:20:28I'll just do it already!
00:20:29Who said that?
00:20:31Father...
00:20:32Sorry, I just...
00:20:33I can't stand the sight of real blood.
00:20:34This is the old way, boy.
00:20:36The man who passes the sentence must deliver the blow.
00:20:40Now, put that game down.
00:20:41Come here.
00:20:42I'll chop his head off.
00:20:46Hold up.
00:20:49You may go.
00:20:50My boy will hold him down.
00:20:52Now, hold it.
00:20:53Hold still.
00:20:55Steady.
00:21:00I told you to stay steady!
00:21:04Here comes Lady Stork.
00:21:05Don't say a word.
00:21:08Oh, hello, my dear.
00:21:10What things are here?
00:21:11Where's Brendan?
00:21:12Uh, he had a small accident, but there's nothing the Major can't fix.
00:21:16We just received an invitation to King Shire for Purge Fest 3000.
00:21:21What is that?
00:21:22A party.
00:21:23To purge all violence from the kingdoms.
00:21:25That is wonderful!
00:21:27I think that you should go alone.
00:21:28Our enemies will be there, and it may be dangerous for the children.
00:21:33What say you?
00:21:34Father, Prince Dizzy will be there, and I must meet him.
00:21:38He is the love of my life.
00:21:39I'm going to marry him.
00:21:41I want to lie naked in his bed while he drizzles hot honey all over my body.
00:21:46Now, now, don't get upset.
00:21:48There's no safer place in the entire realm than King Shire, my dear.
00:21:52I am certain that nothing bad will happen to us.
00:21:55My children, pack your bag.
00:21:58We're going to the Capitol!
00:22:26And now, the Benevolent.
00:22:29The Magnificent.
00:22:31And the Extremely Dignified.
00:22:35Prince Dizzy!
00:22:39That's my boy!
00:22:45Ladies, ladies, all the sexy ladies, longing for a prince like me.
00:22:52Some of them be cherry ripe.
00:22:56Some be lewd, and some be shrewd.
00:22:59Who are longing for a prince like me?
00:23:02Mongrel, you're in the wrong key.
00:23:05I believe it is the right one, Your Grace.
00:23:08What did you say?
00:23:10That you are right, Your Grace.
00:23:12I believe the only right key is the one that will open the door to this shithole so we
00:23:19can all get out before this penis starts singing again.
00:23:22What did you call me?
00:23:24You're mostly honourable.
00:23:29Prince Jizzy, of course.
00:23:31That's what I thought.
00:23:34Mongrel, kill him!
00:23:45Mummy!
00:23:46That's it!
00:23:47Run to Mummy!
00:23:49You bitch!
00:23:50Mongrel!
00:23:50Go play something funky.
00:23:52Go!
00:23:52No.
00:23:54Mummy!
00:24:04I like my boy.
00:24:07Sirius.
00:24:09Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
00:24:26Damn. Good boy.
00:24:37Did you get your invitation to PurgeVest?
00:24:40I've got it. It's a good plan.
00:24:43Talking about it. It's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
00:24:47Just another woman with my husband.
00:24:49Stupid, bloody ideas, that drunk bastard.
00:24:53What?
00:24:54It's a brilliant opportunity to kill.
00:24:57What did you say?
00:24:58I said, PurgeVest is an excellent opportunity to kill your husband.
00:25:07You're not just a beautiful face, are you?
00:25:10You've got stuff going on up there.
00:25:13I love it when you talk dirty to me.
00:25:17After the king is dead, our son will take the throne.
00:25:23Jizzy.
00:25:24Jizzy.
00:25:24Jizzy.
00:25:25Jizzy.
00:25:27Jizzy.
00:25:28Jizzy.
00:25:29Jizzy.
00:25:30Jizzy.
00:25:31Jizzy.
00:25:40Jizzy.
00:25:47Hello.
00:25:48Nephew.
00:25:52I heard someone in this direction calling my name.
00:25:55Oh?
00:25:56Oh, honey, you must be hearing things.
00:25:59Why don't you go run along, play with yourself?
00:26:02I'm not finished with your uncle.
00:26:04Can I go shoot peasants with my crossbow?
00:26:05No, honey, not today.
00:26:07I just can't be bothered with any maim bumpkins whining with their wretched families at the castle gates.
00:26:13Please, mother!
00:26:14Not today!
00:26:16Sorry.
00:26:17I'm sorry.
00:26:18I'm sorry!
00:26:23What's this?
00:26:26Is this a toy from the future?
00:26:28Oh, dear God.
00:26:30Give your uncle his hand back.
00:26:31Give your uncle his hand back now.
00:26:33No way.
00:26:33It's so much fun.
00:26:35No.
00:26:36You know what?
00:26:37No, darling.
00:26:41I changed my mind.
00:26:42You can go shoot the peasants now, darling.
00:26:46Thank you, mother.
00:27:07Hello, everybody.
00:27:09Have you noticed the beautiful white swans behind me?
00:27:14They remind me of my favorite type of people.
00:27:18Graceful and white.
00:27:20Very, very white.
00:27:22Inclusivity, sir.
00:27:24They are so beautiful.
00:27:27And they love me for bringing them into this world.
00:27:31Almost as much as my beautiful Russian mail order bride.
00:27:36And you know what the best part about the swans is?
00:27:38They're just as racist as I am.
00:27:42Non-racist, sir.
00:27:43Non-racist as I am.
00:28:00It's so beautiful out here.
00:28:02I wonder who planted all these trees.
00:28:05I spent a fortune in gardeners.
00:28:10Hey, where are you going, you ass wife?
00:28:13Come back here.
00:28:14I'll sue you.
00:28:16Where did he go?
00:28:16I can't believe he did.
00:28:18Let's get out.
00:28:19Here, just...
00:28:20Okay.
00:28:21Check it.
00:28:23Okay.
00:28:24I'm fine.
00:28:25Okay.
00:28:27Where did he go?
00:28:31Oh, no, your tit's hanging out.
00:28:33Oh, yeah.
00:28:34You're going to put it away otherwise.
00:28:36You know who I'm going to see.
00:28:38Yeah.
00:28:39That's true.
00:28:39For sure, that's good.
00:28:41What are we going to do?
00:28:42I don't know.
00:28:43I don't know.
00:28:47You're going to be kidding me right now.
00:28:50You meet your gods.
00:28:52Tell them.
00:28:55Shaggy, son of Scooby,
00:28:56from the rock-paper-scissor clan has sent you.
00:29:00Please don't kill me.
00:29:07And tell me,
00:29:10where do women of your physique come from?
00:29:13The hills of Beverly.
00:29:15Do they all have the same curves as you?
00:29:18Most do, yes,
00:29:20if they can afford it.
00:29:22I think we may have to visit someday.
00:29:26After we kill you.
00:29:28What?
00:29:29Shit.
00:29:33Oh.
00:29:35Oh.
00:29:41Get out.
00:29:43That must be doing.
00:29:44Okay.
00:29:44Mr. Shaggy,
00:29:47my name is Clueless
00:29:49of House Cardocian.
00:29:54Tell me, Clueless,
00:29:55how would you like to die?
00:30:01Choking
00:30:01on a gallon
00:30:03of mint chocolate chip ice cream
00:30:04in my jacuzzi
00:30:05while having sex with you.
00:30:10the fat one's got to say
00:30:11some humor.
00:30:13Take her as a slave
00:30:14and kill the other one.
00:30:15What?
00:30:16What?
00:30:17Who are you calling fat, Beth?
00:30:20Oh, no.
00:30:21Oh, yeah.
00:30:21Oh, she's feisty.
00:30:23Give me that.
00:30:23Give me back my hammer
00:30:25or the family guy.
00:30:26Hang on a second.
00:30:28How many followers
00:30:30do you have?
00:30:36I have five
00:30:37followers.
00:30:40How do you expect me
00:30:43to take you seriously
00:30:44if you only have
00:30:45five followers?
00:30:47How many do you have?
00:30:49Thousands.
00:30:52Where are they?
00:30:53They're in here.
00:30:56And when I make my sex tape,
00:30:58I'll have millions
00:30:59millions
00:31:00and millions
00:31:01of followers.
00:31:04Well, join the club.
00:31:06Everyone does that
00:31:06around here.
00:31:07Really?
00:31:08Oh, yeah.
00:31:09Practically all the time.
00:31:11Yeah.
00:31:12How am I supposed
00:31:14to get famous now?
00:31:27Somebody say famous?
00:31:35I can make all of you
00:31:36bitches famous.
00:31:38Oh, my God.
00:31:43Okay, Jack, please.
00:31:45Famous.
00:31:48Your Majesty.
00:31:54Oh?
00:31:55No!
00:31:56No!
00:32:00Shut up!
00:32:01Oh, I'm hunting.
00:32:02My apologies, my lord.
00:32:04Yes.
00:32:05You've done it again,
00:32:05your majesty.
00:32:07First shot.
00:32:08Very good.
00:32:09Take that beast
00:32:11and give it to the cook
00:32:12for tonight's feast.
00:32:16The event
00:32:17is just hours away, my lord.
00:32:19Yes.
00:32:21The, um...
00:32:23Yeah.
00:32:24Spit it out.
00:32:25The dragon fire
00:32:26has disappeared.
00:32:29The dragon fire
00:32:30has disappeared.
00:32:31How does the dragon fire?
00:32:32How
00:32:32does
00:32:33the dragon fire
00:32:35disappear?
00:32:37I'm afraid
00:32:38I do not know,
00:32:39my lord.
00:32:41I'm going to explain
00:32:41one thing to you.
00:32:43You're going to get
00:32:44rid of all those people
00:32:44tonight.
00:32:45I don't care how you do it.
00:32:47You throw them
00:32:48off the castle wall.
00:32:49You drown them
00:32:50in the moat.
00:32:51Feed them
00:32:52to the little beasties
00:32:53of the fucking forest.
00:32:55Use your imagination,
00:32:57will you, man?
00:32:58I'll think of something.
00:33:00Hold my word.
00:33:02Ah, come here,
00:33:04you little bastard.
00:33:06Ah!
00:33:08Ah!
00:33:10Ah!
00:33:17Any more bad news
00:33:18you've got for the king
00:33:19today?
00:33:20Lord Deadard Stork
00:33:22and his family
00:33:22are about to arrive.
00:33:24Would you like to
00:33:26greet him?
00:33:27Well, yes,
00:33:28of course,
00:33:28I'd like to greet
00:33:29my dear
00:33:30long-lost friend.
00:33:33I mean,
00:33:34why didn't you
00:33:36bring that up
00:33:36in the first place?
00:33:38Do you want to tell me?
00:33:40You...
00:33:41Come on.
00:33:51The king is
00:33:52like a feather
00:33:53in the air.
00:33:54He goes
00:33:55whichever way
00:33:56the wind blows.
00:33:57And right now,
00:33:59Deadard
00:34:00is blowing him hard.
00:34:17Oh, that's lovely.
00:34:19Good work.
00:34:21Yes.
00:34:33Ah!
00:34:34Ah, there we go.
00:34:42Lord Trumpet's Wall.
00:34:44Journal entry
00:34:45number one.
00:34:48It's called
00:34:48shit out here
00:34:50in the middle
00:34:51of nowhere
00:34:52as we look for nothing
00:34:54for no reason
00:34:55whatsoever.
00:34:57Hmm?
00:34:58The story
00:34:59of my life.
00:35:01A bastard life.
00:35:03I'm bored.
00:35:04We could be on our way
00:35:06to Perchfest right now.
00:35:07I wouldn't want
00:35:07two more bastards.
00:35:09Oh, come on.
00:35:11Half of the people
00:35:11in this kingdom
00:35:12are bastards
00:35:12and the other half
00:35:13are just
00:35:14inbred morons.
00:35:16Besides,
00:35:17there will be
00:35:17women,
00:35:18entertainment,
00:35:20cheeses.
00:35:22all these
00:35:23centuries.
00:35:26I'm a bastard
00:35:29child
00:35:31living on a wall
00:35:33with 40
00:35:35celibates men.
00:35:37Okay,
00:35:38uh, wait.
00:35:39I didn't want
00:35:40to scare you,
00:35:41but
00:35:42I received a note
00:35:43from an hour earlier
00:35:44that said the stalks
00:35:46might be in danger.
00:35:48When did you see an elf?
00:35:51Uh,
00:35:52it was
00:35:53when I went
00:35:55to the bathroom.
00:35:57I've been with you all day.
00:35:59Who said it?
00:36:00It was anonymous.
00:36:02I've never heard of it.
00:36:04Where is it?
00:36:06I,
00:36:07I burned it.
00:36:08Why would you burn
00:36:09the message?
00:36:10Because I was afraid
00:36:10it would get
00:36:11into the wrong hands.
00:36:12Look,
00:36:12we can discuss this forever,
00:36:14but the point is
00:36:14we don't have much time
00:36:15if we don't have that now.
00:36:17Your family might be killed.
00:36:18He doesn't want to see me.
00:36:21Oh,
00:36:21bloody hell.
00:36:22Are you going to sit here
00:36:23mopping all day
00:36:24about not having a mother
00:36:25or are you going to
00:36:25get up and do something?
00:36:31Let's go to Purge Bay.
00:36:32Right now.
00:36:36Both of us.
00:36:37Let's do it.
00:36:38Let's do it.
00:36:40Go.
00:36:44Pack your bags.
00:36:45Yes.
00:36:46Get your best dress.
00:36:47Yes.
00:36:48I'll get the car
00:36:49and we're going to Purge Bay.
00:36:50Yes.
00:36:51Yes,
00:36:52let's do it,
00:36:52Johnny.
00:37:03Don't tell me
00:37:03you're playing
00:37:04that stupid game again.
00:37:06It's not stupid.
00:37:07I like it.
00:37:07Promise me
00:37:08you won't play with it
00:37:09while we're in Kingshire.
00:37:11Promise.
00:37:12Ho-dog,
00:37:13no playing.
00:37:14Ho-dog,
00:37:14ho-dog.
00:37:31Your grace.
00:37:36You look old.
00:37:40And you're so fat
00:37:42the last time
00:37:43they took out
00:37:44the counterpart.
00:37:44They thought
00:37:45you were a boulder.
00:37:58Just like the old days.
00:38:04Your grace.
00:38:05Hello, darling.
00:38:07Oh.
00:38:07Kind as a fist,
00:38:08as always.
00:38:11And where are the little ones?
00:38:13Yes.
00:38:14Oh.
00:38:16Not so little anymore,
00:38:18huh,
00:38:18you little Bobby.
00:38:20Have you taught
00:38:20you to be defenseless
00:38:21little puppies lately?
00:38:25Oh.
00:38:26You must be the tomboy.
00:38:29Oh.
00:38:31Hmm?
00:38:35Hello in there.
00:38:37Huh?
00:38:39Oh.
00:38:40Ah.
00:38:41Oh, it's the pretty
00:38:41little girly one.
00:38:42She loves to play
00:38:43with the little dollies.
00:38:44Does she?
00:38:45The little dollies.
00:38:46Oh.
00:38:51Oh.
00:38:52And what have we?
00:38:53Here we have
00:38:53the athletic little
00:38:54hand, don't we?
00:38:54Up and down.
00:38:56Show us those legs.
00:39:01I like pussy.
00:39:02Oh, dog.
00:39:04Oh.
00:39:05Pussy.
00:39:06Oh, dog.
00:39:06Pussy.
00:39:07Oh, dog.
00:39:08Pussy.
00:39:08Oh, dog.
00:39:09Hmm.
00:39:12Welcome to
00:39:13Pig Shire.
00:39:15Because it's
00:39:16Su Casa.
00:39:17Meet the family.
00:39:19Come here.
00:39:20This is Cursie,
00:39:21my wife.
00:39:27And Johnny.
00:39:29Bang, bang,
00:39:30Johnny,
00:39:30we call him.
00:39:31But he likes to bag
00:39:32anything that fucking
00:39:34moves.
00:39:34And Jizzy,
00:39:35my boy.
00:39:36I'm so fucking
00:39:37proud of him.
00:39:39Great shot
00:39:40with that thing.
00:39:41I think he looks
00:39:42just like you.
00:39:43He does, does he?
00:39:44Tell me about
00:39:45this purse fest.
00:39:46Why this big party
00:39:47all of us said?
00:39:48You've never done
00:39:49anything like this
00:39:49before.
00:39:50Well, excuse us.
00:39:51We've got a little
00:39:52talk.
00:39:52Come on.
00:39:56You're the best
00:39:57friend I have
00:39:57in the whole
00:39:58wide world.
00:40:00So I'm going
00:40:01to be honest with
00:40:01you.
00:40:02This isn't a party.
00:40:04I'm going to just
00:40:04kill the competition
00:40:05before it kills me.
00:40:06Right?
00:40:07You're becoming
00:40:08paranoid.
00:40:09Eh?
00:40:10Everyone loves
00:40:11you.
00:40:11Me, I give
00:40:12my left
00:40:13tactical for you.
00:40:14Well, that's
00:40:14because you're
00:40:15warm.
00:40:16Call me what
00:40:16you will.
00:40:17But I still
00:40:19believe in the
00:40:20old ways.
00:40:21Loyalty,
00:40:22honesty,
00:40:23character,
00:40:24and integrity.
00:40:30Okay, I'll
00:40:31go get a snack.
00:40:37Well, I figure out
00:40:39how to murder
00:40:40every single
00:40:42one.
00:40:49That is the most
00:40:50disgusting thing
00:40:50I've ever seen.
00:40:51At least use a fork
00:40:52and knife, you pig.
00:40:54And what's taking
00:40:55you so long?
00:40:55I'd like to keep
00:40:56moving.
00:40:56Come on,
00:40:57molestate my sister
00:40:58and let me
00:40:58be quiet.
00:40:59Eat shit.
00:41:02You are an
00:41:03embarrassment to me
00:41:04and our entire
00:41:05family.
00:41:06When I rule the
00:41:06Eight Kingdoms, I
00:41:07will have to educate
00:41:08you properly.
00:41:09You can't just be
00:41:10on a rocking horse
00:41:12with that beast of
00:41:13yours and dining on
00:41:14horse parts with
00:41:14your bare hands.
00:41:16I'm sorry.
00:41:18I'm sorry.
00:41:19I'm sorry.
00:41:19I'm sorry.
00:41:19I'm sorry.
00:41:20I'm sorry.
00:41:20I'm sorry.
00:41:20I'm sorry.
00:41:25I'm sorry.
00:41:26Dragons.
00:41:27Well, I'm a dragon.
00:41:28I don't know.
00:41:29You are.
00:41:30Actually, I'm the
00:41:30dragon.
00:41:31How dare you
00:41:31correct me?
00:41:33You say I'm the
00:41:34dragon.
00:41:35You say I'm the
00:41:36dragon.
00:41:36You're the dragon.
00:41:38You're the dragon.
00:41:39And don't you
00:41:39forget it.
00:41:40And by the way,
00:41:43that's what a real
00:41:44dragon sounds like.
00:41:46Take it easy.
00:41:48Diego's going to
00:41:49get mad.
00:41:50I swear to be
00:41:50it's mad.
00:41:51He still doesn't
00:41:52even speak the
00:41:53common tongue.
00:41:53He's getting
00:41:54pissed.
00:41:55He may not
00:41:56speak it,
00:41:56but he
00:41:57understands it.
00:41:58I want to go.
00:41:59Now.
00:42:00I want the
00:42:01crown I deserve.
00:42:02You want a
00:42:03crown?
00:42:04I'll give you
00:42:05a crown.
00:42:06A crown
00:42:07of shit.
00:42:09What did
00:42:10he say?
00:42:11You said
00:42:11he'll give
00:42:12you your crown.
00:42:13No.
00:42:14What?
00:42:15Denise,
00:42:16what's happening?
00:42:17What is he
00:42:17doing with that
00:42:17bucket?
00:42:18No.
00:42:19No,
00:42:19you keep
00:42:19that away
00:42:20from me.
00:42:20I'm a king.
00:42:21I'm a king.
00:42:22A crown
00:42:23for a king.
00:42:25No!
00:42:27No!
00:42:27No!
00:42:45I think he's
00:42:46dead.
00:42:46See?
00:42:53You want
00:42:53some of this?
00:42:54Yes,
00:42:54ladies.
00:42:56Mmm.
00:42:57Yum,
00:42:57yum,
00:42:57yum,
00:42:57yum,
00:42:57yum.
00:43:00Who's your
00:43:00host?
00:43:01Who's your host?
00:43:03Oh!
00:43:09Help!
00:43:11Help!
00:43:17I have stolen all the dragon fire and hidden it in the basement.
00:43:25When all the families sit down for the feast, I will burn them and you and I will be the
00:43:34new rulers of the kingdom.
00:43:37Yes, they got you, you nasty little devil.
00:43:39Now, I'll wait till I tell all my friends about you, they won't believe it.
00:43:43Get him!
00:43:46Quite a little pervert, aren't you?
00:43:49What's happening? What's going on? I was just up here having some fun.
00:43:52Having some fun? Is that what you call it?
00:43:55Playing with my dragon.
00:43:57Clothering the creature, yes?
00:43:58Clopping the beast.
00:43:59Chasing the serpent.
00:44:01Tickling the lizard. We get it.
00:44:03What are you doing?
00:44:04You're going to kill him.
00:44:06I'm saving our asses.
00:44:10The kid is just playing flack of me.
00:44:15Right.
00:44:20Can I have my dragon ball back, please?
00:44:22This is nothing but numb your brain and get you in trouble.
00:44:25No, I have my dragon ball!
00:44:31It's okay.
00:44:32It's okay.
00:44:33The game.
00:44:34It still works.
00:44:37He's still alive.
00:44:40It's a miracle.
00:44:51I saw the best joust match the other day.
00:44:55Anus at the tip of his lance into the other guy's neck.
00:44:57There was blood gushing everywhere.
00:44:59It was pretty fun.
00:45:01Sounds interesting.
00:45:05No, I couldn't.
00:45:06I didn't.
00:45:06Do it.
00:45:09Okay.
00:45:23I don't know.
00:45:43What is it, my sweet lady?
00:45:45Does mongrel bother you?
00:45:48Away with you, mongrel.
00:45:49You're scaring my lady.
00:45:55There.
00:45:56That's just the two of us.
00:45:59So,
00:46:00what do you like to do for fun?
00:46:02I, uh, sew,
00:46:04cook, masturbate,
00:46:06and clean twice a day.
00:46:09In that order.
00:46:10A traditional woman.
00:46:11I like that.
00:46:13I'm not into these women who want to
00:46:15work or
00:46:17fight or talk.
00:46:20Sweet.
00:46:22Take that, fatty!
00:46:25You'll never defeat me.
00:46:27Don't worry, m'lady, I've got this.
00:46:28Why, I shouldn't let you worry.
00:46:30You're safe with me.
00:46:30From what?
00:46:31So lend your weapon, fat boy.
00:46:33Let go of my girl's sister, or I'll slice you in half
00:46:35like a loaf of bread.
00:46:37You're a man, relax.
00:46:38I'm not a man.
00:46:39I'm your prince.
00:46:42Dude, seriously.
00:46:43Stop messing around.
00:46:45We're actors on a movie.
00:46:46Don't move.
00:46:47I saw it with my own eyes.
00:46:48You attacked her with your sword.
00:46:49No, he didn't.
00:46:50He's my friend.
00:46:52This.
00:46:54It's just a stick.
00:46:55Do you want it?
00:46:55Oh, God!
00:46:57Quiet, m'lady.
00:47:00No one can defeat me in combat.
00:47:04Now fight me like a man!
00:47:13How dare you hit your prince?
00:47:15You aren't a prince.
00:47:17You're a penis.
00:47:18What did she call me?
00:47:19She called you a prince, sir.
00:47:23You're nothing but a little penis.
00:47:26A walking, talking penis.
00:47:31Admit it to everybody here that you're nothing but a penis.
00:47:35Never.
00:47:36Say it!
00:47:37No!
00:47:38No!
00:47:39Ow!
00:47:39Ow!
00:47:40Ow!
00:47:40Mommy!
00:47:41Ow!
00:47:42Mommy!
00:47:48Why don't people like me?
00:47:51They're jealous of you, sir.
00:47:54Am I...
00:47:54Am I good-looking?
00:47:56Yeah.
00:47:57Yeah, you are.
00:47:58You hesitated for a bit there?
00:48:00No.
00:48:01No, I didn't.
00:48:01Look, look, look, you did it again!
00:48:03No.
00:48:04You...
00:48:04You...
00:48:05You...
00:48:05You...
00:48:06All right, all right, all right.
00:48:09All right, fuck you.
00:48:10You think you're ever going to be king, my boy?
00:48:12You got another thing coming?
00:48:14You're always going to be a little prince who's got a little dick.
00:48:17This is the biggest dick you're ever going to see, my boy.
00:48:20In this water, this reflection is the only dick you're ever going to have.
00:48:29So, are you guys coming with us to Perf Fest or what?
00:48:32Nah, I don't know.
00:48:33I don't think there are places I've seen, really.
00:48:39Who is that?
00:48:44It's that one.
00:48:46No.
00:48:47One with the hair.
00:48:49He's so hot.
00:48:59You two need to leave.
00:49:02There is no place for you in here.
00:49:05Now leave before I smash you with my hammer!
00:49:09Oh, uh, I see.
00:49:12I think I saw another inn a few steps from here.
00:49:15Maybe we should go to that one, shouldn't we?
00:49:18Yeah.
00:49:23Why should we leave?
00:49:25We have the same right to be here as any of you.
00:49:28Who's that, sir?
00:49:31Mary!
00:49:32Oh, no.
00:49:33Oh, no, no, no.
00:49:35On the bar!
00:49:36On the bar!
00:49:38On the bar!
00:49:48Miracle!
00:49:49He's still alive!
00:49:51Help!
00:49:52Help!
00:49:53Our boy is strong.
00:49:54He won't survive.
00:49:56You'll stay.
00:49:56I think someone pushed him out of that tower, Dedded.
00:49:59I think he saw something he shouldn't have seen and they tried to murder him.
00:50:03Come on!
00:50:04Who would you say shit?
00:50:06Johnny and Kersie!
00:50:07No, the Boltons, the Fries, the High Pigeon, could have been anyone.
00:50:12Maybe even the Lay My Sisters.
00:50:14That's outrageous!
00:50:16Those alternate honorable families you're talking about.
00:50:19The Lay My Sisters would never hurt a child.
00:50:21Oh, no.
00:50:26We have to watch our backs, Dedded.
00:50:29You never know who would stab us in the back.
00:50:32I think you need the vets.
00:50:33You're becoming paranoid like the vets of that.
00:50:36Wait, wait, wait.
00:50:37Where are you going?
00:50:38I'm going to get to the bottom of this...
00:50:49Lord Stork, the King would like to talk to you in private.
00:50:55Yes, of course.
00:50:57I'll be there.
00:51:03What's happening?
00:51:04What's happening?
00:51:07What's happening?
00:51:12Have you a-hole?
00:51:15I'm sorry.
00:51:18Sex!
00:51:19Step right up.
00:51:20Step right up.
00:51:21Who wants to get a bastard?
00:51:26He ain't making a part of those two.
00:51:31Come on!
00:51:36I wasn't any good, was I?
00:51:38I wasn't any good.
00:51:39I want to...
00:51:41Fuck!
00:51:42Hello!
00:51:44Having a wonderful time here?
00:51:47Oh, God, I miss your sister.
00:51:50You know, the old days.
00:51:52They were beautiful.
00:51:53Your sister was a real girl.
00:51:55She was such a party.
00:51:56Little tits and that little ass of hers.
00:51:58Ah, she was wonderful.
00:51:59She reminds me of you a little bit.
00:52:00How do you keep your stomach flat like that?
00:52:04I have to get on a diet.
00:52:06I mean, I'm good in bed, but I'm not like your sister.
00:52:09She could take 45 people one go.
00:52:11One time saw her with the camel.
00:52:13With it all in her mouth.
00:52:15It was quite beautiful in some horrific kind of way.
00:52:18Anyway, do you want to have a little shot with this one?
00:52:22Do you want to have a little shot?
00:52:25Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:52:27Huh?
00:52:27How can I help you, my lord?
00:52:31What I...
00:52:31Oh, I do need a favor from you.
00:52:34Whatever it is, you can count on me, my lord.
00:52:36Okay.
00:52:36You're like my brother.
00:52:37Yes, all right, don't interrupt the king.
00:52:40Now, you know that I am surrounded by a bunch of money-grubbing, ass-licking, scummy, little, piggy, alcoholic people
00:52:48in this kingdom.
00:52:49And somebody's going to try and kill me tonight, okay?
00:52:53Listen.
00:52:54Listen.
00:52:55We've already discussed this, don't you?
00:52:58Don't fear to unground it.
00:53:00No one would dare harm a king.
00:53:02Okay, well.
00:53:04I happen to disagree with you.
00:53:06And therefore, I'm going to command you to protect the realm for my little jizzy-wizzy boy, so he can
00:53:14come and take all of the things and have it all, okay?
00:53:18Because...
00:53:19You can count on me, my lord.
00:53:20I mean, I'm not going to...
00:53:21I'll be there.
00:53:22Okay, thank you.
00:53:23All right, go on then.
00:53:24You want a little shot?
00:53:25Because I'm going to go again.
00:53:29Come here.
00:53:32Hmm.
00:53:36Hmm.
00:53:38Hmm.
00:53:40Hmm.
00:53:41Hmm.
00:53:41Hmm.
00:53:41Hmm.
00:53:42Hmm.
00:53:42Hmm.
00:53:42Hmm.
00:53:47Hmm.
00:53:49Hmm.
00:53:50Hmm.
00:53:56That column won't get back, you know.
00:54:00Who are you?
00:54:01I am master dancer.
00:54:04Lover.
00:54:06and the best swordsman you have ever seen.
00:54:12My name is Zorio Thuriel.
00:54:20Oh, the grip is a bit slippery.
00:54:22Excuse me.
00:54:23What are you doing here?
00:54:24Chasing rats!
00:54:26Part of your training?
00:54:27No.
00:54:28The rodent situation in King's Shire is out of hand.
00:54:31Sword.
00:54:33Here.
00:54:34Catch the sword.
00:54:35Looks like your reflexes could use some practice.
00:54:40Pick up your weapon.
00:54:43That is not the way, boy.
00:54:47I'm a girl.
00:54:48That cannot be true.
00:54:50Anyway, this is how you pick up a sword.
00:55:05I am just showing you how not to do it, huh?
00:55:09Wouldn't want to knock yourself in the giggleberries.
00:55:13I don't have giggleberries.
00:55:15Oh, I need to switch.
00:55:15I'm a girl.
00:55:24Oh, this sword is all badly balanced.
00:55:27Last time.
00:55:32That is how you do it.
00:55:35Now, get into the fighting position.
00:55:41That is not the fighting position.
00:55:44Turn to me side-faced.
00:55:47Sideway.
00:55:47Yes, that is what I said.
00:55:49Side-faced.
00:55:50I have been the first swordman of the bravados for 20 years.
00:55:53You must listen to me, boy.
00:55:55I'm a girl.
00:55:56No way.
00:55:57Where are your boobies, then?
00:55:58I'm like ten.
00:55:59Very well, then.
00:56:00On side-faced.
00:56:04Good.
00:56:05Now, try to strike me.
00:56:10Oh, I wasn't expecting that.
00:56:12I'm sorry.
00:56:13Knock the wind out of me.
00:56:15Let me help you up.
00:56:17You have to wait for me to say go, okay?
00:56:23Go.
00:56:24Not above the shoulders.
00:56:26I don't have the proper gear for that.
00:56:27You're only supposed to hit me in this section here.
00:56:30Follow me.
00:56:31I will teach you to fandango, huh?
00:56:35And then, perhaps, you will become a great swordsman like me.
00:56:52Yeah, clear.
00:56:54Olé!
00:56:54Olé!
00:57:00Arianna, what in the name of the old guard are you doing?
00:57:04Zoria was teaching me to fandango.
00:57:06Zoria of Fourier at your service.
00:57:09We must go.
00:57:10Her's best is about to begin.
00:57:12Yes, father.
00:57:13Keep practicing and you will go far.
00:57:14I must go to chase the rats.
00:57:18Good luck, boy!
00:57:23Hello, everybody.
00:57:25It's me, Lloyd Trumpet, here at the tremendous trumpet mace.
00:57:31Everyone loves this mace.
00:57:32You know why?
00:57:33Because only white people can get through it.
00:57:36And brown people get trapped.
00:57:39Sir!
00:57:41Sir!
00:57:41Sir, I'm stuck, sir!
00:57:42I need help!
00:57:43Sir!
00:57:45Sir!
00:57:46Sir!
00:57:46I can't get out!
00:57:47Sir!
00:57:48I can't get out!
00:57:49I can't get out!
00:58:01Sir!
00:58:02Sir!
00:58:02Yes, you did.
00:58:02You're a murderer.
00:58:03Amit!
00:58:04I didn't do it.
00:58:06Okay, if you didn't, then you did it.
00:58:10I didn't do it.
00:58:12I saw you do it.
00:58:13Me?
00:58:14No, I'd never kill John, though.
00:58:16You sure about that?
00:58:18Oh, no, I did.
00:58:20Oh, yeah.
00:58:22Oh, yeah, I did.
00:58:23Okay, well, let's just get him into the back room, okay?
00:58:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:58:27Sam, come on!
00:58:28Okay, let's go.
00:58:29Oh, my God.
00:58:34800 paces will be in Kingshire.
00:58:37I will be the first female ruler of all of Wild Westworld.
00:58:41My destiny awaits.
00:58:47Do you have horse hurt, by any chance?
00:58:50Horse hurt?
00:58:52Oh, sure.
00:58:54Okay.
00:58:55Can you make me so sad, babe?
00:58:58Okay.
00:58:59Let's go this way.
00:59:02Oh, no, no.
00:59:03Johnny, what do we do?
00:59:05What do we do?
00:59:06His clothes.
00:59:07Rip them off.
00:59:08Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:59:09Help.
00:59:10Copy.
00:59:11No chance.
00:59:13Can you get his...
00:59:17Hello, ladyboys.
00:59:19Oh, look who it is.
00:59:20It's the Red Sorcerers.
00:59:22Oh, perhaps you can bring him back to life.
00:59:23Uh, that's not the Red Sorcerers.
00:59:26That's our stepdad, Transgender.
00:59:29All right.
00:59:30Come on.
00:59:32What's going on?
00:59:33That man saved us from the bad people, and now he's dead.
00:59:38Why are his clothes coming off?
00:59:40We just wanted to see what he looked like naked.
00:59:43Oh, oh, is that what you're looking for?
00:59:45Oh, I can just tell you what he looks like.
00:59:48Oh.
00:59:50He's so, so warm.
00:59:53And so, so soft.
00:59:56Leave your room.
00:59:58I can't make any promises.
01:00:00I need to work my dad's fingers.
01:00:08Come on, Judas.
01:00:09No, I'm not.
01:00:10No, I'm not.
01:00:47At least not a match.
01:00:49My son and my stars.
01:00:52Oh, may I borrow your pocket?
01:01:00My hair is falling all over my head.
01:01:09Here.
01:01:12Take it.
01:01:17Burn him.
01:01:19Gabe?
01:01:21Let's go conquer the eight kingdoms.
01:01:23Sorry, buddy.
01:01:26Oh, no!
01:01:28Dad, are you going to be much longer
01:01:30to just burn a metal line in the pub?
01:01:33I'm just going to magic.
01:01:34What do you need?
01:01:35I just wanted to make sure everything is okay.
01:01:37Yes, everything is fine.
01:01:39Just let me finish.
01:01:40Okay, I will.
01:01:42I will.
01:01:43I will.
01:01:46I will.
01:01:47I will.
01:01:47I will.
01:01:47I will.
01:01:49I will.
01:01:49I will.
01:02:05Oh, my boy!
01:02:07What just happened?
01:02:08Who did this?
01:02:09Who?
01:02:10Who are you?
01:02:11What are you doing in my son's room?
01:02:15What's that up, man?
01:02:21That's a funny place to keep a rabbit.
01:02:23Show your face, you coward.
01:02:25Show your face, you...
01:02:29Say it that, my boy, I would catch the man who has tried to kill you.
01:02:35You were dead.
01:02:37I just blew you back to life.
01:02:40You're not going to put it there, are you?
01:02:43Don't do it.
01:02:49Who is that?
01:02:50Oh, that's Summer.
01:02:52Summer is coming.
01:02:59That must be him.
01:03:13I don't know how you managed to do all of us at once.
01:03:16You're a true master.
01:03:18Well, if I told you my secret, I'd have to kill you both.
01:03:25So close your eyes now.
01:03:27Come on.
01:03:27Both of you, close your eyes.
01:03:29That's it.
01:03:39You can open them now.
01:03:43Your time is up, troll.
01:03:45You're coming with us.
01:03:46Where to?
01:03:47Grab him.
01:03:49Excuse me.
01:03:54Put me down, you shit.
01:03:55Oh, come on, troll.
01:03:56No, wait, wait.
01:03:57I haven't had a chance to punch my frequent tour card.
01:04:00Oh, keep it in your pants, boy.
01:04:03Tell me, brother.
01:04:15Hold up.
01:04:17Hold up.
01:04:19Please, look.
01:04:20Please.
01:04:20Please.
01:04:21Come on, come on.
01:04:23What are we getting out?
01:04:24Get out.
01:04:27Get out.
01:04:30Oh.
01:04:33Oh.
01:04:35Oh.
01:04:36Oh.
01:04:40Oh.
01:04:42Oh.
01:04:43Oh.
01:04:45Oh.
01:04:47Oh.
01:04:48Oh.
01:04:49Oh.
01:04:49Oh.
01:04:51We have to be reasonable about this, Ian.
01:04:53If you explain what it is that you want, I'm sure we can sort it.
01:04:56If I'm not at the Perch Fest in the next couple of hours,
01:04:58all my family's going to come looking for me.
01:05:01Why did you do it?
01:05:03Why did I do what?
01:05:07Why did you do it?
01:05:09If you explain to me what it is that I did, perhaps I can tell you why I did it.
01:05:21Oh, the bloody hell.
01:05:24I think I'm chafing from all the walking already.
01:05:28Oh, John, you wouldn't happen to have some of that oil you put on your hair to rub on my
01:05:34thighs, would you?
01:05:39No.
01:05:40What? What is it? Is the flesh too bright?
01:05:42No, no. We need to get out of here.
01:05:44Well, there is no way I'm leaving this party early.
01:05:48Stop, stop.
01:05:50Stop. Look, I know the future, and shit's about to pop off.
01:05:53Quick, take a photo of me holding the statue's tiny penis.
01:05:57Okay.
01:05:59How's that?
01:06:00Do I look like I'm holding it?
01:06:02Yeah, right on it.
01:06:04That's small enough?
01:06:05Yeah.
01:06:06Okay.
01:06:16Stop.
01:06:20Guys, I just farted.
01:06:22Oh, quiet.
01:06:24Seriously, it's like a Dutch oven in here.
01:06:25You want the grapefruit?
01:06:26Oh, grapefruit.
01:06:28It's covered.
01:06:30No, no, no.
01:06:31Get down.
01:06:32Where is your mother and your brothers?
01:06:34Purge Fest is about to begin.
01:06:42Welcome to Purge Fest 3000.
01:06:46Purge Fest!
01:06:47Well, as long as I can remember, my kingdom has been, well, it's been known for its sexual perversions, isn't
01:06:55it?
01:07:03Purge Fest!
01:07:05We're going to put an end to all that.
01:07:09There's going to be no more raping and no more killing around here.
01:07:14We're going to hand in our smartphones, because I don't want no more pornography.
01:07:19And we're going to hand in all of our weapons, and by I mean everything.
01:07:23I mean no more kitchen knives, no more forks, nothing you can do nothing with.
01:07:31Didn't they read the invite?
01:07:34Most of the people in our kingdom are illiterate, my lord.
01:07:38They just heard there was free food and a party.
01:07:42I have the king just where I want him.
01:07:47Now, after just a little manipulation of Johnny Bang Bang,
01:07:51then it's just a matter of time before I mount the throne.
01:07:58Enough!
01:07:59I'm the fucking king.
01:08:01And I declare that anyone participating in these violent activities
01:08:08is going to be expelled from the Eight Kingdoms.
01:08:16What?
01:08:17The Storks have kidnapped my little brother.
01:08:20I demand he be released immediately.
01:08:21Wait a minute.
01:08:22No, I mean, you told me this morning you wanted that little fella punished.
01:08:26Didn't you?
01:08:27Yes.
01:08:28I despise him.
01:08:30But he is still my little brother.
01:08:31I can't allow a Stork to kidnap someone with my own blood.
01:08:36If they don't return him to us immediately,
01:08:40you must ban them from the Eight Kingdoms
01:08:43according to the declaration you just made.
01:08:51Come on, you wretched Scottsville.
01:08:53I'm going to get you already.
01:08:55Hold still.
01:08:57Spig troll.
01:08:58Meet your guards as an honest man.
01:09:00Man, confess!
01:09:02Never!
01:09:04All right, I confess.
01:09:05All right, I confess.
01:09:06I confess.
01:09:06I choked him.
01:09:07Then slapped him all around the floor till he bled.
01:09:10I'm an evil man.
01:09:11Who are you talking about?
01:09:12The Lord Commander of the Southern Forces is here, in my pants.
01:09:17Would you like to meet him?
01:09:18Tell me the truth.
01:09:20All right, all right, I confess.
01:09:21I'm the reason why all the dragons are extinct.
01:09:24Oh.
01:09:24I screwed them all into the extinction.
01:09:26Oh.
01:09:27I built the wall with my wank hammer.
01:09:29I stabbed the crazy king with my flesh saber.
01:09:32That's enough.
01:09:33You tried to kill my son.
01:09:36Oh.
01:09:36Oh.
01:09:37Why would I want to kill your son?
01:09:39I don't know.
01:09:40You tell me.
01:09:41Oh.
01:09:44What?
01:09:45No more wax?
01:09:55Yes.
01:09:56I got you.
01:09:59Oh, dog.
01:10:00Oh, dog.
01:10:01Oh, dog.
01:10:03Oh, dog.
01:10:07Oh, shit.
01:10:12What was that?
01:10:14The king gives you fireworks.
01:10:15What the fuck is that?
01:10:20Well, I guess we know what happened to the dragon fire now.
01:10:29You check it out.
01:10:30I'll take care of the troll.
01:10:31Yes, mother.
01:10:34Oh, you're turning me on, you.
01:10:38Now we will have to find some other way to kill the king.
01:10:41Whoever did this must have known our plans.
01:10:44Where's your mother?
01:10:45She has the troll.
01:10:46She's trying to make him confess.
01:10:48You must go now and tell her to bring him to the feast immediately,
01:10:51or entire families could be banned from the eighth kingdom.
01:10:54Yes, father.
01:10:54I shall go now.
01:10:55This was the work of a true genius.
01:11:05Yes!
01:11:06I did it!
01:11:08I caught them all!
01:11:10I am the dragon's master!
01:11:22This is so much fun.
01:11:23Okay.
01:11:25Father.
01:11:27Come to help.
01:11:29John.
01:11:30I thought you were at the wall.
01:11:32I heard you were in trouble, father.
01:11:34Who told you we might be in trouble?
01:11:36My friend Ham.
01:11:37Ham?
01:11:39The fat guy?
01:11:45Look, just one bite.
01:11:47No.
01:11:49No.
01:11:50I mean...
01:11:51Come on.
01:11:52Get out!
01:11:54Where is the troll?
01:11:57I know nothing about the troll.
01:11:59I swear to it.
01:12:00He's lying.
01:12:01Look at him.
01:12:02Release him at once, or be banished from the kingdom, my brother.
01:12:07Glow before house.
01:12:09He is your grace.
01:12:11This troll tried to murder my son.
01:12:15That's not true.
01:12:16I'm innocent.
01:12:18That's a very low thing that you did there, troll.
01:12:21I'm going to have to cut you down to size.
01:12:24Since you're in the arena, I demand a trial by twerking.
01:12:41What's twerking?
01:12:42Allow me your grace to defend my family's honor.
01:12:45No, bastard.
01:12:46As the firstborn, I shall defend my mother's honor.
01:12:49The two of you, sit down.
01:12:51I'm the one who must defend my wife's honor.
01:12:55Hey!
01:12:56I will twerk the troll to death!
01:12:59Wait a second.
01:13:00You're four times the size of me.
01:13:02I demand a champion.
01:13:03I have the right.
01:13:04Well, who's your champion going to be?
01:13:08I name my nephew.
01:13:10She's elaze my sister.
01:13:12Let's see him twerk.
01:13:13Oh, I can't twerk.
01:13:14I'm just...
01:13:14Dick.
01:13:16Ha!
01:13:17About time you admitted it.
01:13:19Right.
01:13:20I choose...
01:13:22Hold off!
01:13:24Hold off.
01:13:26Oh, my God!
01:13:32It's me!
01:13:33Yeah, come on!
01:13:34Woo! Woo! Woo!
01:13:36Show him, Dad!
01:13:38Get Charlie, get it, baby!
01:13:40We're loving you!
01:13:41Let's in, man!
01:13:42Come on!
01:13:45Kill!
01:13:46Yep.
01:13:46Yep.
01:13:47No!
01:13:47No!
01:13:52I do not wish to continue this battle.
01:13:55I will spare Holdoff's life and let the troll live.
01:13:59I demand nothing in return.
01:14:04He was my friend.
01:14:06He could have been similar instead of a bum.
01:14:20I want you to die!
01:14:26I want you to die!
01:14:35Let's...
01:14:37He could have been...
01:14:38What happened to you?
01:14:41This is not your son.
01:14:53I'm king.
01:14:56I'm king!
01:14:58Yes son, of course you're king. You're king.
01:15:07I'm king.
01:15:09And you're mine.
01:15:13Okay, guards! Kill all the storks. Kill them all! Kill everyone!
01:15:17Wait, except Lancia. I want to give her a pearl necklace and a foot rub.
01:15:30That's it.
01:15:50You want some, do ya? Do ya?
01:15:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:16:01That's it.
01:16:08I can't wait to go back to the wall!
01:16:11Get out of here!
01:16:14Go back to the wall!
01:16:19No!
01:16:23No!
01:16:35No!
01:16:35No!
01:16:43Oh, no!
01:16:45Oh, no!
01:16:46No!
01:16:46Help me! Help me!
01:16:50Help me!
01:17:06Who wants to see a money trick?
01:17:12I'm melting!
01:17:15Mounting!
01:17:17Mounting! Mounting!
01:17:23This is Trumpet Arena.
01:17:25You don't know anything.
01:17:27But I just want to protect you, sir.
01:17:52For more information help,
01:17:53And just to look for you.
01:18:10You'll be here for me.
01:18:13I appreciate it.
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