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00:25Welcome back to the third exciting new season of
00:29Scott Montgomery!
00:30Scott Montgomery!
00:32Thank you!
00:33We did it baby!
00:35We're number three!
00:36It's new in that the words and contestants on display have not graced our studio before.
00:41And exciting in that we have three burly inmates on temporary release from prison in our studio
00:46audience this evening!
00:50It's great to have you in tonight lads!
00:52And under their watchful eye, four fantastic comedians from Australia and the world will
00:57do battle in the form of spelling with an eye to winning this!
01:01An enormous call-through ticket to appear on another episode of our show!
01:06And while they hold their glory aloft, another speller will be given an opportunity to sit
01:11and reflect on where it all went wrong as they take a seat on our custom-built reflecting
01:15stool and don our custom-built reflecting hat.
01:22It is a horrid little corner of the studio.
01:25And now we're all up to speed, let's meet our spellers!
01:29Please welcome...
01:31Andrew Denton!
01:33Michelle Brazier!
01:36Phil Wang!
01:38And returning season two champion, Gillian Cosgrove!
01:45But it's not just new spellers who we're welcoming this evening.
01:49With a heavy heart, I must inform you that my trusted assistant Aaron Chen will not be with
01:53us this season as he has chosen to prioritise his marriage, mental wellbeing and career opportunities
02:00in the North Pole.
02:02In his stead, we have recruited the sharpest mind and snappiest dresser in Australian show
02:07business since Paul Hogan sold cigarettes in a tuxedo.
02:10So will you please welcome my new assistant, it's Sam Campbell!
02:24How are you, Sam?
02:25Guy, I have a confession to make.
02:26Oh!
02:28Oh, goodness.
02:29Oh, this has been eating me alive.
02:31What's going on?
02:31Oh, guy, this has been weighing heavily upon me.
02:33I just have this feeling that we can expect to see amazing words, bigger scores and even
02:41bigger laughs and so much chummy fun this season of the spelling bee!
02:46Is that okay?
02:48Sam!
02:48Sam!
02:49Stop!
02:50That's perfect!
02:51That's great!
02:51We love that kind of thing!
02:53Oh, Mr Montgomery!
02:54Thank you!
02:55Oh, Mr Montgomery is a kind, kind man!
02:58Absolutely!
02:58Thank you so much!
02:59And we're going to see lots more of Sam as the season goes on.
03:03But in the meantime, let's get spelling!
03:10While we've got a brand new assistant, it's impossible not to notice we've got the same
03:14old first round.
03:16The spelling round.
03:17In front of me are three vessels absolutely brimming with words and possibility.
03:21Words from family favourite The Coward's Cup are straightforward spelling words.
03:25Take one of these and spell it correctly, you'll be rewarded with one point.
03:29Words taken from the slightly more polarising person's purse are more challenging.
03:33The type that kids and dense adults might struggle with.
03:36And as such, a correct spelling of one of these will earn you two points.
03:40Words from the often-aligned bucket of bravery are for people with a burning desire to look
03:44stupid on television.
03:46Choose one of these and spell it correctly.
03:48Well, congratulations, my friend.
03:50You've proven me wrong and earned yourself a whopping three points.
03:53And up first is a published author, two-time Gold Logie nominee and a familiar face not just
03:58to ABC audiences but also, and especially, Mr and Mrs Denton.
04:03It's their progeny, Andrew Denton!
04:06Thank you guys.
04:08Thanks so much for coming on the show.
04:09How are you feeling?
04:10Well, I was good until you mentioned my parents, both of whom are dead, Guy.
04:15But, no, let's not bring the evening down.
04:17Well, you should update your Wikipedia, man.
04:20So you actually, you appeared on this show in the last season offering words of encouragement
04:24for Julia Zamero.
04:26Yes.
04:26Now, did she offer any words of advice to you before your appearance?
04:29Yeah, she said, if they place me nearest you, that's because you're the old guy and
04:34hard of hearing.
04:35So thank you.
04:36Thank you for doing that.
04:37It's no trouble at all.
04:38Sorry?
04:39No, I said it's yes.
04:44Andrew, it's such a pleasure to have you with us.
04:46Which receptacle would you like to select from?
04:48None of them, Guy.
04:51No, look, you'll look bad if you go for the Coward's Cups.
04:55So I'll go for the Bucket of Bravery.
04:56The Bucket of Bravery.
05:00From the Bucket of Bravery, Andrew, your word is...
05:04Pulchritudinous.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07Now, before you spell, remember you can ask for a language of origin, a definition,
05:10or to hear the word in a sentence.
05:12Could I have it in a sentence, please, Guy?
05:14I was taken aback by her taut, pale skin, her perfectly smooth, nipple-less breasts
05:20and realistic thigh gap.
05:22She was absolutely pulchritudinous.
05:26And yet I knew I could never have her, because for reasons that still remain unclear to me,
05:30Zara, do not let you buy the mannequins.
05:38Could you just say the word one more time for this guy first?
05:41Pulchritudinous.
05:42P-U-L-C-H-T-R-I-D-I-N-O-U-S.
05:48That is incorrect.
05:51Pulchritudinous is spelt P-U-L-C-H-R-I-T-U-D-I-N-O-U-S.
05:58Oh, pulchritudinous. Oh.
06:02No point awarded. I'm sorry, Andrew, but it's a joy to have you with us.
06:06And our next speller is a musical comedy superstar and published author.
06:10Half woman, half white, shallow pan with a tight-fitting lid
06:13designed for slow-cooking food and liquid.
06:15It's Michelle Brazier!
06:20Zara, you probably get that all the time.
06:21I get it all the time.
06:22It's actually on my Tinder bio.
06:25That's where I got the joke.
06:27Well, it says here,
06:29you've published a best-selling memoir,
06:32starred in musical theatre, sold out international comedy tours.
06:35I'm over here thinking, is there anything you can't do?
06:37And I've realised the answer is yes.
06:40Help an Aunty Donna sketch pass the Bechdel test.
06:45So my question is, would you and Gillian like to have a quick chat now
06:48to break the cycle?
06:50Uh, yeah. Hi, Gillian.
06:51Hello, I just wanted to thank you for that time
06:53where you got trapped in LA and I got to be in the Aunty Donna sketch.
06:56Yeah, they called the other girl.
06:57You talked about me and you failed the Bechdel test.
07:03So close.
07:04Let's give you the chance to do some spelling on TV now.
07:06Which receptacle would you like to spell from?
07:08A bucket of bravery.
07:09Really?
07:14From the bucket of bravery, your word is actually
07:18supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
07:22Okay, I've never been in Mary Poppins,
07:24but my partner has so I'm hoping it is sexually transmitted, the info.
07:28Um, S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-I-F-R-A-G-I-G-L-I-S-T
07:43-I-C.
07:48Wait.
07:49You're halfway.
07:50You're halfway.
07:51Keep going.
07:52Wait, oh, it's expialidocious, the whole thing?
07:55The whole thing is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
07:58Yeah, sorry.
08:00E-X-P-I-L-A-D-I-O-U-S.
08:09Um, diddly-lum, diddly-lum, diddly-lum.
08:15That is incorrect.
08:19Aw.
08:22Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is, of course, spelt S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-I-F-R-A-G-I-L
08:31-I-S-T-I-C.
08:33Had all that in hand.
08:34Well, that's where I thought we were stopping.
08:37E-X-P-I-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S.
08:45A fine effort, but sadly, no points awarded.
08:48And our third contestant this evening is a published author.
08:51You may know from Netflix, Taskmaster, and even the blockbuster movie Wonka.
08:54Please welcome Phil Whey!
08:55Yeah!
09:02It's a pleasure to have you be listening.
09:03Now, you're a very well-educated man.
09:05You, of course, went to Cambridge University.
09:06Man, it must really brass you guys off that Oxford have a way more famous dictionary than you guys.
09:13This year, I thought we had a good team this year.
09:16They got it again.
09:17I also have a tidbit here, which says, while you were at Cambridge, you also met Stephen Hawking.
09:23I bumped into him at a chocolate shop.
09:26I went to a chocolate shop in Cambridge to buy some chockeys for myself as a little treat.
09:31And then Stephen Hawking entered, and there was a big hustle and bustle.
09:36People were very excited.
09:37The manager went over and said, hi Stephen, thanks for joining us at the chocolate shop.
09:40And then an intern came over very nervously with a tray of samples.
09:43And I swear to God, Stephen Hawking said, mm, freebies.
09:48I swear.
09:53He's allowed to do the voice because he's Malaysian.
09:57Well, Phil, how are you feeling about spelling tonight?
10:00It's been brutal watching these two get absolutely eviscerated by the bucket.
10:04So which receptacle would you like to spell from?
10:06Person's Purse, please.
10:07Very sensible choice.
10:08Everybody check.
10:10And from the Person's Purse, your word is...
10:13Pageant.
10:14Oh.
10:15Pageant.
10:16Can I have it used in a sentence, please?
10:18As I asked the 10th man in the auditorium which of the children were his,
10:21and he also explained he was just here to enjoy the show,
10:25I realised this was perhaps the last pageant I would enter my daughter into.
10:34I think it's P-A-G-E-A-N-T.
10:45That is correct!
10:48Two points for Phil Wayne.
10:50Congratulations.
10:51And our final scholar this evening hasn't written a book in a goddamn life.
10:57But we'll forgive her for that as she is our carryover champion from season two.
11:01Make her feel very welcome.
11:02It's the undefeated Jillian Cotscree!
11:07So good to see you again.
11:09Now you managed to knock off the Kirstie Wiebeck juggernaut to be with us this evening.
11:13So tell me, how long do you expect your reign to last?
11:16Truthfully, with Andrew Denton here, I'm worried that I'm just going to start spelling out childhood memories.
11:22You just look into his eyes and you want to tell him stuff.
11:25She's saying she used to watch you on TV.
11:34Who are you all?
11:37You know, it's so good to have you back with us.
11:39Thank you for coming back to defend your title.
11:41And which receptacle would you like to spell from?
11:42Well, now that Phil Wayne has safely made it okay, I would also like the person's purse, please.
11:47A fine choice!
11:50From the person's purse, your word is rudimentary.
11:54Rudimentary.
11:55Okay.
11:55May I hear a definition?
11:57Pretty basic.
11:58Like that outfit, girl.
12:02Obviously, you prepared that joke for a different contestant.
12:06No, I rifted that one.
12:11Rudimentary.
12:12R-U-D-I-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y.
12:16That is correct!
12:18Two points to Gillian.
12:20And we are off to a promising start.
12:23But if you'll indulge me, a third season is an enormous milestone in the life of any spelling-based comedy
12:28panel show.
12:29And so, to mark the occasion, we thought we'd throw ourselves a little party.
12:38And what is a party without entertainment?
12:41So, to help kick things off, please welcome our very own party clown, it's Sam Campbell!
12:55Hello, children.
12:58Hiya, Sam.
12:59It's a pleasure to have you with us.
13:01Sure beats living down in the drains.
13:04You live in the drains?
13:05Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:06Absolutely.
13:07And can I just say, I'd love for a certain Andrew Denton to stop flushing wet wipes!
13:15Contestants, if you survey the party area, you will see we have four party games set up for you to
13:20play.
13:20And in this round, we'll first go down the line as you select which game you'd like to play.
13:24Once you've all made your choice, we'll get into it.
13:27So, Andrew, starting with you, which of the four classic party games on display would you like to play?
13:32I never had parties as a child.
13:35I'm sorry to hear that.
13:36Because, as mentioned, my parents were dead.
13:42I didn't know this, but it sounds like they died in a very comical fashion.
13:48I'll go the piñata.
13:50You choose the piñata, okay.
13:52Piñata selection.
13:53Michelle, what party game would you like to choose?
13:55I can see the donkey.
13:56What are the other two games, or is it a secret?
13:58What else do you see?
13:59Parcel.
14:00Pass.
14:00And in the centre, sort of...
14:03What is going on in the centre?
14:04Are you saying Mother's Puppet?
14:06I want to play that.
14:08You want to play Mother's Puppet?
14:09Everyone knows Mother's Puppet.
14:11Okay.
14:14Phil, two party games left.
14:16Which do you choose?
14:17Just because it's so coquettish, I'll go put the tail in the donkey.
14:24And finally, Gillian, that leaves you with...
14:27Pass the parcel, perfect.
14:28A fine choice indeed.
14:30So moving on, Andrew, we're going to start with you.
14:32You've chosen the classic party piñata.
14:35Why don't you head on over to the party zone?
14:36Sam will help you get set up.
14:38These are your blindfold glasses.
14:46And just to clarify, God did design this piñata.
14:50It's not a piñata.
14:51I just want to be clear.
14:51That's an effigy.
14:53I...
14:53I so want to get out of here.
14:56Yeah, I think.
14:57Oh!
14:59Oh!
15:00Oh!
15:01Oh!
15:02Oh!
15:02Oh!
15:03Oh!
15:04Come on!
15:07I was nominated for a low here!
15:10Now, this!
15:13Hey, Andrew.
15:15Yes?
15:15I won one.
15:22Less talk, more smackin', boys.
15:26Oh!
15:28Oh!
15:32Oh!
15:34Oh!
15:35Oh!
15:36Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:43Keep it upside down.
15:44Let's have a look.
15:46Oh, my gosh!
15:48Why, that looks like it's 30 pieces of silver.
15:52You know, that's the very same price paid to Judas Iscariot in the Bible for his betrayal.
15:58Your word is Judas Iscariot.
16:04Judas Iscariot.
16:05Judas Iscariot.
16:06J-U-D-A-S-I-S-C-A-R-I-O-T.
16:10That is correct!
16:11Yeah!
16:13Thank you, Sam.
16:19Welcome to the scoreboard, Andrew.
16:20One point for your correct spelling.
16:22Well done.
16:23And let's see what's next on the party agenda.
16:26Step right up.
16:27It's donkey time.
16:29Oh, that's right.
16:30Children's classic, pin the tail on the donkey, usually played by many attendees, with the
16:34tail closest to the butthole, winning a prize.
16:37Good luck, Phil.
16:38You may approach the donkey.
16:39Oh, man.
16:40CHEERING
16:42I'm a little nervous.
16:44I saw what you guys did to the last Asian guy that came up here.
16:49OK.
16:51OK.
16:52OK.
16:53Yeah, alright.
16:53That's pretty good.
16:57Oh.
17:00Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08Oh!
17:13Oh!
17:16Oh!
17:18Oh!
17:18Oh!
17:19Oh!
17:19Thanks, everyone.
17:21Well, based on your successful placement of that tail, your spelling word, you'll be pleased
17:25to hear, is ASS.
17:29I'm going to go with the classic, A-double-S.
17:33That is correct!
17:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:36Thank you so much.
17:37Thank you so much.
17:42Another point for Phil Wayne!
17:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:46And now, what does our party clown have lined up for us next?
17:54Win one of our seats.
17:56Ooh!
17:56There you go.
17:59There's a lot of gadgets behind you.
18:01Oh, yeah.
18:01Am I opening it?
18:02Pass this parcel up and down the line, and if the music stops while you're holding it,
18:06unwrap it.
18:07We'll unwrap until one person wins the prize.
18:09A maestro, if you please.
18:11MUSIC PLAYS
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28LAUGHTER
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33LAUGHTER
18:34LAUGHTER
18:47Let's see what he won!
18:52It's nothing!
18:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:56Maestro!
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59LAUGHTER
19:01LAUGHTER
19:03OK, OK.
19:05It's nothing again!
19:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:18Oh, go for it!
19:20Lucky girl!
19:22LAUGHTER
19:23Yeah, it's still nothing.
19:24It's nothing, it's nothing.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:26APPLAUSE
19:32Oh, wow!
19:34Well, now, that is some good fortune.
19:36It was your game to play.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:38LAUGHTER
19:40Oh, no!
19:41Oh, no!
19:43Oh, no!
19:44Oh, well, well, well!
19:45You've unwrapped the world's most famous three-dimensional combination puzzle, a Rubik's
19:50cube.
19:51Fun to look at, fun to play, yet somehow not a surefire way to impress the ladies at the Year
19:55Nine School Disco.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:57The inventor of the cube, and your spelling word is Erna Rubik.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03Um, E-R-N-E-R-R-U-B-I-K?
20:09That is incorrect.
20:10I'm sorry.
20:11It's bound to be.
20:12Erna spelled E-R-N-O-R-U-B-I-K.
20:17No point awarded, but the cube is all yours.
20:19And finally, Sam, it's time for our last game.
20:22What have you got for us?
20:23Mother's puppet.
20:24Oh, that's right.
20:25Yeah, it's Mother's Puppet.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:26What is Mother's Puppet?
20:28It's for when no-one comes to your party, and even your own mother has to duck out to
20:33see Jonathan.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35But don't worry, Mother's Puppet will always be there to supervise and save the day.
20:40Guy, it's Mother's Puppet!
20:43APPLAUSE
20:46Have you played Mother's Puppet, Michelle?
20:48Plenty of time.
20:49Oh, OK.
20:50Well, please head on over and show us how it's done.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:57Hello, Michelle.
20:58Good to see you.
20:59Hi, Sam.
21:00How are you?
21:01You know I was better before.
21:03Yeah.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:04Oh, well, what are you waiting for?
21:06Chuck on Mother's Puppet.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:14Michelle, OK, so here's how it works.
21:16I'm me and your Mother's Puppet, and I'm up in my room.
21:19I'm playing, and I haven't put away all my toys.
21:22But luckily, Mother's Puppet is there to make sure that I'm very tidy,
21:26because Jonathan does not like mess!
21:28He doesn't like it!
21:30LAUGHTER
21:32Um...
21:32Hey, there.
21:34Remember to put away your toys.
21:36Jonathan would be very sad.
21:40Maybe he'll let you go.
21:42Sorry, Michelle, but that's just not right at all.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:45Mother's Puppet is way more malevolent.
21:48OK.
21:48And she has a deep smoker's voice.
21:51Listen to me, kid.
21:52Oh, that's good.
21:52If you screw this up one more time,
21:55I'm going to take your mum and I'm going to take your...
21:57Even me, no...
21:58I'm going to take your mum and I'm going to tell you
22:01why your dad really left.
22:04You filthy little clowns,
22:06you're a freak, you'll never be having shit!
22:08LAUGHTER
22:08It's Mother's Puppet!
22:10CHEERING
22:12LAUGHTER
22:15Wowee!
22:15Well, thank you, Sam, so much for sharing,
22:18and Michelle, so much for playing.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:21You showed remarkable mental and physical dexterity
22:23under what I would describe as challenging circumstances.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27And your spelling word is...
22:29Puppeteer!
22:30OK!
22:30P-U-P-P-E-T-E-E-R.
22:37That is correct!
22:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:43A point is yours.
22:46And so concludes our third birthday party.
22:49Thanks so much for all your help, Sam.
22:51Any plans now?
22:52I'm going to get cleaned off.
22:53Can you believe this studio only has showers?
22:56Mother's puppet likes to bathe!
22:58LAUGHTER
23:00Give it up to Sam Campbell!
23:04And if he's going to be a new Sam,
23:06I think I might become a new guy.
23:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:23When you acknowledge me becomes the most ungrateful c*** alive.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:27For too long, I've been known only by my stage name,
23:31Guy Montgomery,
23:32and I think I'm ready for something snappier.
23:34Contestants, your job is to coin a new nickname for me.
23:38The best correctly-spelled nickname wins one point.
23:42Pens on pads?
23:42Oh.
23:43Get into it.
23:44And while they're doing that,
23:45let's hear from tonight's sponsor.
23:47Tonight's episode is brought to you by...
23:49Conjunction!
23:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:52Short sentences, just not cutting it.
23:54Wanting to tell someone you're doing two things today
23:56in one efficient sentence?
23:58Well, why not try conjunctions?
24:00The glue of language.
24:01We promise they'll revolutionise your use of language
24:04OR your money back.
24:06Which is a conjunction, by the way, yeah.
24:09Not the part where I said your money back,
24:10BUT the part where I said OR.
24:13And now also the part where I said BUT.
24:15And most recently, both times when I said AND.
24:18They really are the Pringles of language
24:21AND that once you pop, you simply can't stop.
24:24The glue of language.
24:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:29All right.
24:31That's your time.
24:32Let's find out my new name.
24:34And we'll start with Jillian.
24:36I wanted to give you a nickname that feels relatable
24:38and comforting, but also vaguely like a Mexican franchise.
24:42OK.
24:43So I've gone for guzzy moz guzzy.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:50Lovely.
24:50Inspired by any restaurants you can think of?
24:52I couldn't possibly say.
24:53OK.
24:54Phil, what have you got for me?
24:56Well, I find with nicknames around surnames,
24:59especially in Australia, they always centre around
25:00the first syllable, like Monty, or the end syllable,
25:05but the middle letters don't really get much of a look in.
25:08So I've gone for the middle ones.
25:10On the guz!
25:11LAUGHTER
25:14Never seen it before.
25:16Rolls off the tongue.
25:17Michelle.
25:17OK.
25:17So you know how in Australia we usually will use, like,
25:21slang for things that rhyme?
25:23Like, tomato sauce, dead horse.
25:24You've heard that.
25:25It's normal.
25:26So...
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28Just on the topic of dead things, I've gone guy,
25:30guy rhymes with die, and so I've gone, like, who's dead,
25:33and so I've gone, Andrew's dad and mum R.I.P.
25:38For...
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41APPLAUSE
25:44Andrew, how are you doing there?
25:45Um, not so well.
25:48Uh...
25:49I, uh...
25:51LAUGHTER
25:51I've come not to like you a lot tonight, Guy,
25:53and, uh...
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55So I haven't really gone with your surname so much
25:58as who you are.
25:59I guess it's picking up on a theme.
26:00I just went with old parent-killing Guy.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:08You mean to tell me when you arrived at the studio tonight
26:11your parents were alive?
26:13LAUGHTER
26:13Will you stop bringing up my parents?
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17OK, so going down the line again.
26:18Hold them up for us all to see.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21They're all awful.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24But for some reason,
26:25Ontki feels the most like a nickname.
26:27So well done, Phil Wang.
26:28You've won yourself a point.
26:30CHEERING
26:31Courtesy of old Ontki over here.
26:32APPLAUSE
26:33And now, I'd like to make an offer to each and every one of our contestants.
26:38And it's one that you can refuse.
26:41APPLAUSE
26:45For this game, I have prepared for each of you a word that is bordering on unspellable.
26:50If you somehow spell that word correctly, you'll earn yourself a healthy two points.
26:54So far, so straightforward.
26:57Well, slow down there, cowboys and girls.
26:59Before you try to spell your effortful expression, I'm happy to give each of you an offer you can refuse.
27:05That offer being a comically straightforward spelling word.
27:09To access this easy word, all you'll have to do is open the manila folder in front of you and
27:13read whatever you find inside, straight down the barrel of the camera.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:19And what exactly is in the folder?
27:21Well, there's only one way to find out.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:23Once you've opened the folder, there are no takesies-backsies.
27:27The only way forward is through.
27:29First up, it's Andrew Denton.
27:32And, Andrew, your spelling word is...
27:36..praseodymium.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:37You better make that statement, Denton.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:44Is that the person that killed my parents?
27:48LAUGHTER
27:51I will take the statement.
27:54OK.
27:54Thanks, Guy.
27:55Wow, it's long.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:58I'm Andrew Denton and I've been robbed.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:01In 2008, and again in 2009, I was robbed of a Gold Logie.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:07I could handle losing once but twice in two years,
28:11and both times, to a woman.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:18I love women, adore women.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:21Some of the people who laugh hardest at my jokes are women.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26And when they aren't busy laughing,
28:27they make for exceptional cooks, cleaners, nurses...
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33LAUGHTER
28:34..and smoking hot models.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38But for anyone to think a woman could in any way
28:41be better or more popular than me beggars belief...
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45Kate Ritchie...
28:46LAUGHTER
28:46..more like Kate Pitchie.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50Rebecca, give me more like Rebecca,
28:52give me back my Logie.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:54I lost to her?
28:56LAUGHTER
28:57Rebecca, sweetheart, do the right thing
28:59and courier that trophy to my house.
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02I'll be waiting and if you want to deliver it by hand,
29:04that wouldn't hurt either.
29:06LAUGHTER
29:08CHEERING
29:10APPLAUSE
29:14Thank you for using your time on our show
29:16to speak your truth.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18Andrew, your word is gold.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:23G-O-L-D.
29:24G-O-L-D.
29:26That is correct!
29:27CHEERING
29:28Two points are yours.
29:30How are you feeling, Michelle?
29:33Trepidatious.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:35Your word is...
29:37..Dollicocephaly.
29:39LAUGHTER
29:40No, it's not...
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42What's it going to be?
29:43Uh-uh.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:45Yeah, go on.
29:46Everybody give it up for Michelle.
29:48CHEERING
29:49APPLAUSE
29:51Don't read ahead, just take it from the top.
29:54OK.
29:55Woof, woof.
29:57Dogs, we all know them.
29:59We all love them.
30:00And no-one loves them more than the hard-working men,
30:04women and they-them's who train greyhounds.
30:08LAUGHTER
30:11Greyhounds are like Bruce Springsteen.
30:13They are born to run.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:16They love it and I should know I've got 20 of them.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:20That's right, I have 20 greyhounds
30:23and they're all rescues.
30:24Rescued from the monotony of living in a suburban environment
30:28and safely returned to their natural habitat,
30:31the racetrack.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:34The cuck leftists who control the media
30:37and parliament have been running a smear campaign
30:41against so-to-the-earth Australians like me
30:43to try and wipe out our livelihood
30:45and I'm not having it.
30:47Also, if they die during a race,
30:50why aren't we eating them?
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52LAUGHTER
30:56Talk about leaving meat on the bone.
30:59I waive the remainder of my time.
31:02APPLAUSE
31:05Thank you, Michelle. Such passion.
31:08Yeah.
31:08And as a reward for your passion, your word is dog.
31:12D-O-G.
31:13Then it's correct!
31:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:16Two points are yours.
31:18All right, Phil.
31:21Let's do this.
31:22OK.
31:22Your spelling word is...
31:25Fremiceton.
31:26Fremiceton.
31:27I'd love to spell that word.
31:30But there's something I need to get off my chest.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:35APPLAUSE
31:37OK.
31:39This one goes out to my boy, Timmy Chalamet.
31:42LAUGHTER
31:44Have I done something to piss you off, brother?
31:46LAUGHTER
31:47You asked me to be in Wonka to help the box office
31:49and I was happy to oblige.
31:51Sure, it was only one scene, but I think we made movie magic.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:55I broke my arm for that movie
31:56and you said, while I was being put in the ambulance,
31:59that if I have any problems, I could come to you.
32:02Well, guess what?
32:03My arm might be better, but last time I checked,
32:06hemorrhoids are a problem, Tim.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:09A massive problem.
32:12Encasing my grunt hole.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:16I'm standing right here, telling you, begging you,
32:21message me back.
32:23If you want me to stop sending pictures, I'll stop.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:27If you want the pictures more zoomed in,
32:30I'll zoom them in more.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:33But the one thing I won't do is give up on you.
32:36Now, Gillian, get your sweet ass over here
32:39and help Papa Philly rub in his cream.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:48Phil, your word is ow.
32:51I'm going to go O-W.
32:52That is correct!
32:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:55Two points to Phil.
32:57And last but not least, it's the famously upbeat
33:00Gillian Cosgra.
33:01Now, your spelling word is deepness sophistai.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:06How upset will you be if I just try and spell...
33:09I'm not going to... I have to know.
33:10Yeah?
33:10I have to know.
33:12It's up to you, all right.
33:13Gillian Cosgra.
33:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:16From the top.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:19LAUGHTER
33:20No!
33:21Come on!
33:22LAUGHTER
33:24Not to be a bitch, but I'm not going to say my name
33:27because everyone already knows who I am.
33:29LAUGHTER
33:30While many of you may know me for my legendary career
33:32as a musical comedian,
33:34a lot of others will also recognise me from my time
33:36in the cast of Harry Potter and The Cursed Child.
33:39LAUGHTER
33:40During my three years stealing the show,
33:42I was lucky enough to play Moaning Myrtle
33:44and later Delphi,
33:45two incredibly powerful female characters
33:48who could only come from the mind
33:50of one of our greatest creative thinkers...
33:53Oh, no!
33:53..and foremost cultural critics.
33:55Shout-out, JK.
33:57LAUGHTER
34:00LAUGHTER
34:03LAUGHTER
34:04LAUGHTER
34:04Hey, ABC social media person,
34:06clip this next bit up and post it context-free on Instagram.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:13LAUGHTER
34:13JK Rowling is a queen.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:16LAUGHTER
34:17The J stands for just
34:18and the K stands for nose.
34:20She just knows stuff.
34:21LAUGHTER
34:22I'm actually going to dinner with her in Clavicula
34:24when we finish, so I better wrap this up.
34:26LAUGHTER
34:26Free speech is the most important cause in the world
34:29and I have the clarity of mind to think this
34:32because I'm not vaccinated.
34:34LAUGHTER
34:37Hey, yeah, yeah.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:40Thank you, Guy, for platforming me.
34:44APPLAUSE
34:44Yeah.
34:46I love it, man.
34:47APPLAUSE
34:49Thank you, Gillian.
34:50Your word is lady.
34:52LAUGHTER
34:55L-A-D-Y.
34:56That is correct!
34:58APPLAUSE
35:00And now we know what these people stand for,
35:03why don't we partner them with some members of the general public?
35:07APPLAUSE
35:10A show without an audience is a cry for help.
35:13And an audience without a show is what you all were in the lobby
35:1640 minutes ago.
35:17But what happens if you bring these two disparate things together?
35:20Well, to help us find out, please welcome back to the studio,
35:23making his debut as a man going out into the crowd,
35:25it's Sam Campbell!
35:28APPLAUSE
35:32Thanks, Guy.
35:33Appreciate it.
35:34Appreciate it a lot.
35:35What's going on there, brother?
35:36You're looking a little worse for wear.
35:38LAUGHTER
35:54You look awful.
35:57Are you sure you want to do this?
35:59My paws are screaming no.
36:01But the show must go on.
36:04APPLAUSE
36:06Contestants, in this round you'll direct Sam to find an audience member
36:09you think has a name you'll be able to spell.
36:11Sam will usher them to the stage,
36:13they will tell you their first and last name,
36:15and then you'll have a crack.
36:16Can't say much fairer than that.
36:17Sam, away you go.
36:20APPLAUSE
36:24And Phil, as you are currently leading,
36:26you have the honour of first choice.
36:29Um, that guy looks really sweet, actually.
36:31This fella?
36:32Yeah.
36:32Oh, please stand up.
36:33Here he comes.
36:35APPLAUSE
36:38Oh, I'm hoping that top is from your business.
36:42LAUGHTER
36:42I am a generic white guy.
36:44Not quite that generic, I'm so sorry.
36:46Oh, rats.
36:47Beautiful stranger, what is your name?
36:49My name is Dylan McGillivray.
36:52Ah!
36:53It was looking so good.
36:55Do your friends call you Dilly McGilly?
36:57They do.
36:58They also call me Dildo, it's a sad life.
37:00LAUGHTER
37:02My friends call me Aunt Gee.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:07APPLAUSE
37:09OK, so, Dylan, I'm going to try D-Y-L-A-N.
37:14McGillivray.
37:15So, I'm going to say M-C-G-I-L-L-I-V-R-A-Y.
37:23That is...?
37:24Correct!
37:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:28Oh, my God!
37:30Well done, Phil Wang, everybody.
37:31Give it up for Dylan McGillivray!
37:36Unbelievable, what a pull that was.
37:38What a thrill.
37:39I've never felt this alive.
37:41Very impressive.
37:41OK, moving on now to second place.
37:43That would be you currently, Gillian.
37:44Who would you like to spell?
37:45Am I allowed to pick one of the prisoners?
37:47I don't see why not.
37:49Well, I would love to pick far right.
37:51You, my friend.
37:51Yes, hello.
37:52Hi.
37:53You might be far right.
37:54All right.
37:56APPLAUSE
37:59Oh, my God!
38:03Such a good scene with you two, yeah.
38:09Hello, my friend.
38:10What is your name?
38:11Nash.
38:12A-Church.
38:13And is that tattooed anywhere on your body?
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17First name isn't, but the last name is.
38:19Oh, how interesting.
38:21And can I get a look at the ick?
38:23Anywhere, anywhere vaguely?
38:23Is it on the small of your back?
38:25Yeah.
38:26It's on your face.
38:27It's on the face?
38:28Yeah, it's on the face.
38:29May I approach the prisoner?
38:32LAUGHTER
38:32Yeah, I guess.
38:33All right, so why not?
38:36You already asked that one?
38:38Hello, how are you?
38:39How are you?
38:40I'm very well.
38:41Oh, and I'm so glad I came over because I was going to get it wrong.
38:44OK, your name is Nash A-Church?
38:46Yes.
38:46This looks like what I imagine a polyamorous sort of household.
38:51LAUGHTER
38:51You're our nucleus.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:57Nash A-Church.
38:58H-O-Ch.
38:58N-A-S-H.
39:00Yeah.
39:01A-C-H-U-R-C-H.
39:03Yeah, that's correct.
39:04Yeah!
39:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:06Thank you very much.
39:08Come on.
39:09Congratulations, Jimmy and Aquarius.
39:11Thank you very much.
39:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:15All right, you are currently tied for third place,
39:17but, Michelle, I'll let you select first.
39:19Who would you like to spell?
39:21OK, you look so excited.
39:23Could I have you, my friend?
39:25Yes.
39:25Oh, Brett.
39:26Excitable boy.
39:27Hello.
39:28How are you?
39:30APPLAUSE
39:34If my granddad's watching me on TV right now,
39:36love you, Frank.
39:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:40And that's better.
39:42Hi, honey.
39:43What's your name?
39:43Well, my name isn't Honey, but...
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48That's all the credit.
39:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:52My name is Daniel Cridland.
39:57OK, Daniel Cridland.
39:59Yes.
39:59And is that with an A or a...?
40:01LAUGHTER
40:02That's all that.
40:03D-A-N-I-E-L-C-R.
40:09E...
40:09LAUGHTER
40:11D-L-A-N-D.
40:13You were so close.
40:15Well, I was joking.
40:16I was just joking.
40:17I heard because that was an E.
40:20That is incorrect.
40:21So how do you spell your surname?
40:23C-R-I-D-L-A-N-D.
40:28Daniel Cridland.
40:29Give it up for Daniel, everybody.
40:31Thank you, Daniel.
40:32Sorry, Daniel.
40:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:45The gentleman with the cane.
40:46The very fancy cane.
40:47OK.
40:48Very well.
40:49Welcome to the stage.
40:49The gentleman with the cane.
40:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:55We should do a summer song.
40:56OK.
40:58LAUGHTER
40:58How are you going?
41:01Oh, yeah, really well.
41:01How are you?
41:03I'm all right, except for the cane.
41:04Oh.
41:06All right, Andrew, do you want to get involved in this?
41:08No, I don't want to interrupt the conversation.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:11You know, what is your name, sir?
41:14Andrew, I always thought you were a smart man,
41:16but you've gone out on a limb tonight, mate.
41:18Oh, no.
41:19The name is Greg Young.
41:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:31G-R-E-G-Y-O-U-N-G.
41:36Very close.
41:37Oh!
41:39Exactly right.
41:40APPLAUSE
41:44Give it up for Greg Young!
41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:49Andrew, the point is yours.
41:51And a huge thank you to all our audience members
41:53for braving not just the spotlight,
41:55but also the company of Sam.
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58And if I look at the scores,
41:59we currently have Michelle on three,
42:01Andrew on four, Jillian on five,
42:04and Phil Wang out in front on seven points!
42:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:08Not that any of that matters, though,
42:10because it's now time for our final round.
42:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:18BUZZ!
42:19It's what all of you are generating online
42:21for your brave statements from two rounds ago.
42:23But for the next five minutes,
42:24it's what you'll be doing with your buzzes.
42:27The buzz round is our all-or-nothing finale,
42:29in which I will read words at a pace from a themed list,
42:32and you will buzz in if you think you know how to spell them.
42:34Spell the word correctly, that's plus one to your name.
42:37Spell it incorrectly, we'll remove a point.
42:40Michelle, you need help the most,
42:42so I'll give you the agency of choosing
42:43which theme you'll be spelling from.
42:46Will it be pasta, green, famous mice, or the elderly?
42:52LAUGHTER
42:55Famous mice, please.
42:56We'll start upon my reading the first word
42:59and end when we are instructed to do so.
43:03Mickie.
43:04Andrew.
43:05M-I-C-K-E-Y.
43:06Correct.
43:07Speedy Gonzales.
43:08Gillian.
43:09S-P-E-E-D-Y-G-O-N-Z-A-L-E-S.
43:12Correct.
43:13Jerry.
43:14Phil.
43:15J-E-R-R-Y.
43:17Correct.
43:17Despero.
43:18Andrew.
43:19That is incorrect.
43:22Despero?
43:23Despero.
43:23D-E-S-P-E-R-O.
43:25Incorrect.
43:26Ratatouille.
43:27Gillian.
43:30R-A-T-A-T-O-U-I-L-L-E.
43:35Correct.
43:37Deadmau5.
43:38Gillian.
43:39D-E-A-D-M-A-U-5.
43:41Correct.
43:42Stuart Little.
43:43Phil.
43:44S-T-U-A-R-T-L-I-T-T-L-E.
43:48Correct.
43:49Norman the doorman.
43:50Andrew.
43:50N-O-R-M-A-N-T-H-E-D-O-R-M-A-N.
43:55Correct.
43:55Gus.
43:57Gillian.
43:58G-U-S.
43:59Correct.
43:59Beatrix Potter.
44:00Andrew.
44:01B-E-A-T-R-I-X-P-O-T-E-R.
44:04Correct.
44:05Mouseketeers.
44:06Andrew.
44:07M-O-U-S-E-K-E-T-E-E-R-S.
44:10Correct.
44:11Rat.
44:12Michelle.
44:16R-A-T.
44:18Correct.
44:19Looney Tunes.
44:20Andrew.
44:21L-O-O-N-E-Y-T-O-O-N-S.
44:25Incorrect.
44:25I know.
44:26Ishi.
44:27I-T-C-H-Y.
44:31That is correct.
44:34That's it.
44:35That's all we're allowed to do.
44:36Congratulations to Phil.
44:38You just went out first ever, sir, for the season.
44:47And give it up for the man on debut, it's Sam Campbell.
44:54Now, with less vigour,
44:56will you please accompany Michelle to sit upon the stool of reflection?
45:01APPLAUSE
45:13That's it.
45:14That's our first episode.
45:16Please once more for all your contestants tonight,
45:18Andrew Denton, Michelle Brazier, Phil Wang and Gillian Kotskrip.
45:24Join us next time as Phil Wang takes on Frank Woodley,
45:27Shabana Aziz and Sarah Kiewicz.
45:29For now, you can call me Kai Montgomery
45:31because that's the name I was giving at birth.
45:33Good night!
45:34APPLAUSE
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