00:00Do you know why I hate spice?
00:03It's unnatural chemical muck,
00:05cooked up by child slaves in China.
00:09That's as good a reason as any...
00:11I haven't finished yet.
00:12It's destroying the prisons.
00:14It smells like urine.
00:16It's one of the least carbon-friendly substances you can get.
00:20And would you take a look at the state of my streets?
00:26What a mess.
00:30Let's buy some of this new spice.
00:32You can see who turns up.
00:34This is clearly a serious operation run by expert criminals.
00:39Cheers!
00:41I thought I'd at least feel something.
00:43So I'm being sober.
00:44Is it even cold?
00:47Yes, yes.
00:49It's not working.
00:50So essentially we're just having a bath together.
00:59Congratulations again.
01:02Organised crime group.
01:04OK.
01:06We shifted the last of the cocaine.
01:12We did it!
01:14Yeah!
01:15Drug dealing!
01:18Does anyone remember those little foot fishies they had up in the shopping centre?
01:25Yeah, they did.
01:26They get shut down because people kept...
01:31Steering the fishes?
01:32No getting that steer up.
01:36It's...
01:36What?
01:37On your feet?
01:38I have a theory that the sudden rise in fish pedicures signalled the beginning of the decline of the West.
01:42How much foot could a foot fish suck and a foot fish could suck feet?
01:46Get her!
01:47Get her, Dwayne!
01:48Get her!
01:49Why are you here?
01:51It's not this far.
01:52We're at it, surely.
01:53Go away!
01:54I just said Dwayne were 55 with an hormone deficiency thing guy.
01:57They took one look at you lot.
01:59Left it.
02:00I'm doing Leo a favour, man.
02:01Aunt Clary says this, bum-head.
02:03Trying to climb inside me mum.
02:05Oi!
02:06Not those of that word!
02:09What's that finger?
02:11That's a stoma.
02:12It sucks up the sores of naughty little boys.
02:16It's how I managed to stay looking so young.
02:19No, it's a stoma.
02:22All this reminds me of giving birth to him.
02:25Screws put them in the shower.
02:27They didn't know what else to do.
02:29They were all men back then, you know.
02:31You're close.
02:33Yeah.
02:34Mum had me inside.
02:37I didn't see this little bastard again till he were three, did I?
02:46He's a good boy.
02:49See, it's never too late to have an happy childhood, you know.
02:52Um, where's Mini-Boss Museum?
02:55Oh, um, it's doing an errand for me.
03:01Mm, mm.
03:04Mm, mm.
03:04Mm, mm, mm.
03:04Mm, mm, mm.
03:05It's a little spice for Emily behind you in his back.
03:08Don't tell you in now.
03:10He's doing an errand for you.
03:12Yeah, I'm picking up my cerebral palsy pills.
03:19So it's nothing Dodger?
03:22No.
03:23They stopped me from slowing down even more.
03:29See?
03:30It's happening right now.
03:35Because I have run out of them.
03:55Do you know him?
03:57No.
04:03No shower, waste of my time.
04:05I missed a bloody spa for this.
04:09They're meaning to talk to you.
04:11It's not about investing in dog shoes again, is it?
04:19What the fuck are you wearing?
04:24I ain't ever been to a spa before.
04:26What are you meant to wear?
04:29Swimwear.
04:31But I can't swim.
04:32Well, at least show a bit of flesh.
04:42Happy now, pervert?
04:46Yes.
04:46Yeah.
04:47Yeah.
04:55I did all this money, dodgy gummy bears.
05:00What on earth is she up to, love?
05:05I know, love, but it's either this or actually having to talk to her.
05:12Talkings don't do conversation or feelings.
05:17We're not from London.
05:21We see you.
05:23Five thousand pounds?
05:27Again.
05:29Again.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:32Not like your second breakfast bap of a morning, is there?
05:37Gove your torch.
05:44Gove your torch.
05:46Do you recognise him?
05:48That's Messia Mason.
05:49I used to hang around with you and bloody Sheridan.
05:54Shit.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56He's not back, is he?
05:58No.
06:01I see you.
06:03We see you.
06:05I swear I know this fella.
06:08Yeah, I want to make him flapjacks.
06:12Big jerk.
06:14He's the flapjack man.
06:17Wait.
06:18Isn't he?
06:19Here we go.
06:21October 97.
06:23That's right.
06:24It was him, Emily's little school friend.
06:27Little Ewan Sheridan.
06:32Ewan Sheridan?
06:34That boy made our lives hell back in the day.
06:39Oh, my God.
06:41And it was him who got into all that trouble for the fire.
06:46Ewan Sheridan burnt down at school.
06:48Christ.
06:49Where the kids inside?
06:50Dunno.
06:51Worse, he set fire to our favourite pub and the Mackies.
06:55I had to drive to Bloody Beverley for my McNuggets.
07:00What?
07:01It's my kid, that better.
07:15And that, Daddy, was Ludwig van Beethoven.
07:18For some reason, Mummy says she'll be facing 20 years in prison.
07:22Unless you pick me up and take me to your gong thing later.
07:25Gong thing?
07:27What music, Terribe?
07:29Oh, my God.
07:30So is now a good time to give you a little present?
07:34That's a gun, is it?
07:37Is that a gun?
07:40It's a gift.
07:41You don't need it anymore, do you?
07:43Oh, brilliant.
07:45How many mouths has that been in?
07:49I still want out.
07:50You're getting out because of one date with a random girl.
07:59I like her.
08:01She's cool and shit.
08:04And if I'm with her, I've got to be a daddy for Dwayne.
08:07So, anyways, let's just do Chazza now.
08:11But, for realsies, right, I couldn't be any stickers.
08:17I made your own head of stickers.
08:21Whatever gun, Emily.
08:26I can't be trusted with my gun.
08:29I can barely be trusted with my own hands.
08:35Well, if you don't want the gun, I'm leaving it over here, yeah?
08:39Oh, well, I'll take it as long as I can call her Daphne.
08:50Why?
08:51Less scary and violent.
09:04You lovely ladies ready for your couple's massage?
09:07Where shall we put our gowns?
09:12Sorry?
09:14Our gowns?
09:16Where shall we put them?
09:19Um...
09:20Yes, darlings.
09:22If you just lie down on your fronts.
09:26Your fronts.
09:29Yes, fronts.
09:32Did you know that I'm a local drug ward?
09:39Relax.
09:41The average IQ for a level 6 masseuse is 93.
09:44But, unfortunately, she can still understand me.
09:52Let's talk about drugs.
09:57But...
09:59Can you call them coffee or something?
10:06Is you and Sheridan aware that, for the past three weeks, we've been selling Fairtrade tea in addition to the
10:12final grounds for his Fairtrade coffee?
10:13Oh, they need to know that we're selling spice as well if we're going to go legit.
10:3099.3% of our income comes from hot beverages.
10:33Only 0.7% from donations.
10:36It's unsustainable.
10:36But what do you value more?
10:38Fairtrade tea or your friendship with Ewan?
10:40Uh-huh.
10:41Now, if you'd like to turn over.
10:49I do have to ask, are her muscles, like, normal?
10:55Well, not normal.
10:56I know they're not normal.
10:57But are they in the same places as on normal people?
11:01She doesn't have any.
11:03Her mother was impregnated by a blobfish.
11:06Oh, no.
11:09Bless her.
11:13Fuck, bitch!
11:14Let's carry on selling spice.
11:19What does it matter if we help if you non-disabled pricks feed their addiction?
11:34I'll convince you and just need to get packed.
11:41On side.
11:45Oh, what a relaxing day.
11:51It's an alarm.
11:54It means something bad is happening.
12:00I am going to punch you in your face.
12:10What an awful thing to say.
12:22How were I supposed to know you can't smoke?
12:25Here's a clue.
12:26It's not 2006.
12:31Do you know how much money I spend in here?
12:34I'm afraid we can't bend the rules for any child, sir.
12:39There's a little boy right there.
12:41That is very offensive.
12:44That is a man.
12:45He has a hormone deficiency.
12:47What are you doing?
12:48Mummy said you'd be so stressy.
12:50You'd need to be stroked.
12:52So I'm stroking you.
12:54Like a cat.
12:55She probably said I'd be so stressed that I'll have a stroke.
12:59Well, now you've had three strokes.
13:07Thanks.
13:08Thank you for coming over.
13:12I need to talk to you about Ewan.
13:16What's Grotham done now?
13:19Cuckooing.
13:20Oh.
13:21Your home.
13:22Shall we?
13:24Cuckooing.
13:26That's the term I was reading about earlier online.
13:30Is that a porn thing?
13:38It's when criminals use threats and violence to coerce a vulnerable person into using their home.
13:46As a base for drug dealing.
13:49I know all about drugs.
13:54Me and your man went to the Hacienda.
13:56Once.
13:58Accidentally.
14:01Thought it was a Mexican restaurant.
14:04You forgot her anniversary.
14:07No, I, erm...
14:09Stop!
14:10Please!
14:11Just...
14:12Just stop.
14:18I'm sorry about what happened to your boy.
14:20What happened to my boy?
14:21When this one started that fire at the school.
14:24She blamed it all on him.
14:26I wanted to talk to you about it then, but I was fraught with grief.
14:30But what he's done, what he's doing, how he's involving my ammo, that's not right.
14:42What?
14:44You grass.
14:46You bastard grass.
14:49No, I am...
14:50That's why they took him off me.
14:51That's why they sent him away.
14:53Because of your lie.
14:55You sat all over his young life.
14:59But, Rich, you referred to him as Grotum literally moments ago.
15:11You were his best pal.
15:15His only pal.
15:18His only pal.
15:19We're good.
15:27I don't want those people.
15:29Bare drugs.
15:33Or any money you haven't honestly earned in this house.
15:41Okay?
15:46It's now a bad time to actually what the actual end was like.
15:57Awful.
15:59No guacamole.
16:31And the rump goes to...
16:34Guzzling John.
16:36Hmm.
16:37For rice.
16:38Horrid little pubs like this always remind me of Daddy.
16:41Are you always imagining your dad in a pinstripe suit working for a hedge fund?
16:53No, he's self-made.
16:54Property, mostly, but part of his business was hiring out those awful fruit machines.
16:59One-armed bandits, he calls them.
17:01Highly offensive.
17:01So you don't get on.
17:05We haven't always had the best relationship, but pretty close now.
17:09And the pork belly is...
17:12Abracadabra for Gandalf.
17:14Congrats, mate.
17:15Can I just say something?
17:17It is so lovely not to be in yet another inter-able relationship.
17:22To be with someone who just gets what I've been through, you know?
17:27Relationship, I feel great.
17:32Isn't that what lesbians do?
17:34No, I was wondering if you wanted to meet him, Daddy.
17:40Did you just call me Daddy?
17:47No.
17:48I was wondering if you wanted to meet my father.
17:52Oh!
17:54You two are the cutest couple that I've ever seen since I spotted Jedward in the Million Centre.
18:01Hello there.
18:02Can we help you?
18:04They're your employees.
18:06They are from Howard.
18:07We've met 24 times before.
18:10I'm Minibus Missy.
18:11We've also met a number of times.
18:13Put your boss.
18:15Bosses.
18:16Bossesses.
18:17Screw this.
18:18Do you want to just come back to mine?
18:20Yeah.
18:22Do I need a condom?
18:27No.
18:29Sean.
18:31Hello, Sean.
18:33Oh, God.
18:36Sobriety just gets worse and worse.
18:38Oh, thank you.
18:39I couldn't breathe in there.
18:41Now, you must help me get home.
18:43What's that, Gunny?
18:43Get me home, Sean.
18:46You want me to put you in Harry's jacket?
18:48Yes.
18:49Help me get home, dear boy.
18:52Bye-bye.
18:55Am I having a psychosis?
18:59Nah.
19:00Mega-pack of bacon.
19:02Little Patricia.
19:08Um...
19:10Look at those fucking spirits.
19:14Oh, no.
19:17That's it.
19:17That's it.
19:19That's it.
19:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:20Go!
19:20Go!
19:21Go!
19:23Yes, man!
19:25Oi!
19:26Go, go, go!
19:26Go, go, go, go!
19:27What, you're not?
19:28Yeah, you're paid off.
19:29Stop staring at our young flesh!
19:31Will ya?
19:32Yeah, you're paid off.
19:34Right, come on, man.
19:35Let's go to pub.
19:37Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
19:42You go and get changed now, my little darling.
19:45And then we'll pop down Bear Grylls, all right.
19:49Hey, we never get taken.
19:52It's time to deal with Sheridan.
19:55What? No, you and Sheridan?
19:58Why would I want to murder Sheridan's...
20:02Oh, lovely Mega Bacon.
20:15mine
20:22shake your son
20:24that time
20:25er ma'am
20:28I wanted to ask you
20:31erm
20:34cuff it up
20:35or fuck off
20:38would he be a good dad you reckon
20:42course you would son
20:44sadly your personality is best prophylactic encounter
20:49so I doubt you'll ever have to worry about bairns
20:52you daft bugger
20:55thanks ma'am
20:58I need to talk to you
21:02fuck it up or cough off
21:04wait that's not right
21:06you know what
21:09forget it
21:29so apparently he had the best day ever with uncle bumface
21:33could have been talking about Harry
21:34and you've got him doing homework
21:37I've never seen anything like it
21:40he reminds me of me when I was a little
21:43without the tag man
21:44you were tagged when you were eight
21:47too big for me ankle
21:48so they had to put it round me waist
21:56do you er
21:58want anything else
22:03oi
22:05bedtime
22:15do you want
22:18is this a gun
22:19Daphne what do you like
22:21give it a hand
22:30sorry Daphne
22:31you got him packing me sock
22:39I'm so happy you're staying over
22:42I want everything to be perfect
22:46just wear it right there
23:03night then girlfriend
23:05sleep well
23:06oh okay
23:08night night
23:19sorry
23:19did I leave my phone in here
23:49We'll see you next time.
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