- 15 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
Category
š„
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:39Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:23Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:45Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:03Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:33Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:46Transcription by CastingWords
00:02:50Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:01Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:11Transcription by CastingWords
00:03:45Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:05Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:21Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:34Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:43Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:48Transcription by CastingWords
00:04:57Transcription by CastingWords
00:05:09TranscriptionWords
00:05:40Transcription by CastingWords
00:06:09Transcription by CastingWords
00:08:10Transcription by CastingWords
00:08:19TranscriptionWords
00:08:20TranscriptionWords
00:08:33TranscriptionWords
00:08:42TranscriptionWords
00:09:31TranscriptionWords
00:09:45TranscriptionWords
00:11:38TranscriptionWords
00:12:12TranscriptionWords
00:12:47TranscriptionWords
00:13:43TranscriptionWords
00:14:35TranscriptionWords
00:14:52TranscriptionWords
00:15:22TranscriptionWords
00:17:15TranscriptionWords
00:17:24TranscriptionWords
00:17:42TranscriptionWords
00:18:42TranscriptionWords
00:19:10TranscriptionWords
00:20:07TranscriptionWords
00:20:54TranscriptionWords
00:21:06TranscriptionWords
00:21:36TranscriptionWords
00:21:37TranscriptionWords
00:21:51TranscriptionWords
00:22:03TranscriptionWords
00:22:27TranscriptionWords
00:22:29TranscriptionWords
00:22:36TranscriptionWords
00:22:37TranscriptionWords
00:22:47TranscriptionWords
00:22:47TranscriptionWords
00:22:47TranscriptionWords
00:23:15where in the holy fuck are you don't worry honey i'm on my way well on my way isn't here
00:23:22if you
00:23:23don't walk through that door in seconds i'm going to phil hartman your ass actually you know what
00:23:30i've just i've just run into some pretty bad traffic on i-25 fuck you pussy you get through
00:23:36that traffic and get here to marry me yeah and you're uh yeah you're breaking up it's it's really
00:23:41hard to hear you right now i'm going to fucking bars we are now going live to the arrival of
00:23:49the
00:23:49final passenger mr capshaw just in time follow me now we're getting down to the wire here so i'm
00:23:55gonna have to get you to sign and walk this first one is a standard release form for the cameras
00:23:59and
00:23:59any promotional material we would use your likeness for okay this one absolves our company from any
00:24:05liability in case of spontaneous incineration incineration uh how often do these explode we
00:24:11don't know yet maiden voyage and all right yeah okay that makes sense this next one absolves our
00:24:17company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown oh does that happen a lot sometimes
00:24:22people go space crazy geez okay well hope that doesn't happen to me and this last one absolves
00:24:28our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy and shoots you or
00:24:32something are there guns on the spaceship you know i don't know the answer to that but i would be
00:24:36happy
00:24:36to look into it for you oh thank you so much that would be great but i am gonna need
00:24:40you to sign real
00:24:41quick no sure right and then steve martin gets this little tear in his eye he's looking at his daughter
00:24:48but all he can see is his little girl oh god damn it cooter why can't we watch the television
00:24:55come on you're doing good mr s cooter where is he he's on tv nobody watch it hey everybody i
00:25:04found
00:25:04another tv in the banquet room we can just power this thing up and cooter crossing the line what is
00:25:12wrong with him oh my god he's bleeding somebody call 9-1-1 it's too late cooter this man is
00:25:19look
00:25:19everybody kyle's on tv there he goes kyle capsha the last passenger onto the shuttle about to leave
00:25:26everyone on earth for more what yeah he's not getting married at all today he's going to mars
00:25:41hello straggler i'm l ron branson welcome aboard
00:25:48pick up pick up you better pick up
00:25:57burn and we are approaching liftoff 10 9
00:26:029 8 7 6 5 5 5 2 1 liftoff
00:26:32okay artificial gravity has set in listen up my fellow astronauts
00:26:38first things first when i call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little
00:26:43about yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh fuck name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i guess but i did
00:27:03stay up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings
00:27:09okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13okay wimmy did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a card did
00:27:20you return
00:27:20his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:26it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33now would you like surprise now or surprise later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials
00:27:40made future tennis seem a lot more futurey and tennessee did you make this game l run well if you
00:27:47guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton future high lie or future darts
00:27:53uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of
00:28:07this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:12to be here
00:28:12oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21wow yeah but i mean i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked
00:28:26up
00:28:26and left for a month your friends will still be there for you when you get back
00:28:30i don't know about that sure they will i just told my friends gang i'll be back in a month
00:28:36and then i left them 20 bowls of food and i filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm
00:28:44gonna
00:28:44assume that you're talking about cats here you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk
00:28:50precisely peggy it's june that milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55what do you mean well i mean that's all you left for your cats to drink
00:28:59yeah what do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three
00:29:05and a half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything
00:29:12anyway like i said your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:18okay friends listen up loser okay i'm just going to pretend i didn't hear that
00:29:27loser
00:29:29the time has come for us to go into stasis now this will be a chemical sleep that will make
00:29:34the
00:29:34next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap
00:29:38he said cats uh is this gonna be like a shot or something
00:29:41no we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills
00:29:45did you say 500 500
00:29:52so we get some more water uh no
00:29:58oh god
00:30:12i slept on my arm weird
00:30:15god does the aerobed half deflated
00:30:17ah my neck
00:30:19elron i'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23how did i get over here
00:30:24well after you guys took all those ambien
00:30:26stop what ambien we took we took 500 ambien
00:30:31haha pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died
00:30:35oh
00:30:37oh wait oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay
00:30:40oh hey did you guys did you guys notice my sign
00:30:43it says welcome to mars a place for friends
00:30:48oh that's yeah that's cool man
00:30:50as you can see i drew each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what
00:30:55do you think
00:30:55uh it sucks it's stupid you're stupid you suck
00:31:01come on todd
00:31:03oh here we go
00:31:05ladies and gentlemen in a few moments the airlock door will open and in front of the watching world
00:31:11we will become the first people to step from this ship and see mars with our own eyes
00:31:24oh this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this
00:31:48is your vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill
00:31:55you now down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first
00:31:59martian lunch at 1400
00:32:04well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of
00:32:10a lot of prayer with you all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have
00:32:20type
00:32:202 diabetes and i don't believe in dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool
00:32:27actually no it's not little kids hate me and uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that
00:32:34that's why i'm here i'm a missionary of sorts i'm going to turn mars into the first completely
00:32:39christian planet okay but there aren't any people on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa
00:32:52elron did you make all this yourself i had a little help from my good friend murdered midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager one more time elron i said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered
00:33:06midwestern homosexual teenager it's an acronym its technical name is mechanical ultra responsive
00:33:14dietary electronic robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary wellness efficiency system
00:33:19tactile edible responsorous nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance expeditious xeno
00:33:24culinary user-aligned lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical electronic robot
00:33:29what but that's a little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern homosexual teenager for
00:33:35short that's really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a one-of-a-kind prototype but in
00:33:41a few years lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans will have its own murdered midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary you said robotic
00:33:52twice hey i didn't name it take it up with the good people at the holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57i'm sorry what it's a company it stands for technological human electronic okay so how does this thing work
00:34:04it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just say whatever you want it to make and it
00:34:09jaeger
00:34:13you got to hit that
00:34:14shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear my pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that
00:34:22shit when they play your song
00:34:24you gotcha you gotcha you gotcha
00:34:26you gotcha
00:34:28oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey
00:34:48wimmy good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you didn't get
00:34:55in my
00:34:55bed yep this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years that i didn't share
00:35:02my bed with
00:35:02my lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for her
00:35:09okay well i'm going to get up 10 4 good buddy
00:35:21there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:32you know what peggy last night was fun you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is
00:35:39a
00:35:39really great group we got here and it's cool that we're on mars
00:35:43and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy
00:35:46fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise oh okay what what's going on what
00:35:59are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future
00:36:02tennis oh right hey wow look at me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like
00:36:15home all right okay lay it on me fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to me
00:36:25baby what do we got
00:36:28the
00:36:34how is how how how is she here now when you won future tennis i asked if you wanted surprise
00:36:40now
00:36:40or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be here this is bad can we pause can
00:36:46we can we pause for a second can we make the door go back up please no kyle we have
00:36:50to get her out of
00:36:51there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god oh god oh god oh god fuck me
00:36:56fuck me oh fuck ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi i'm candace kyle's fiance that's funny kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i did so this is this is
00:37:12crazy this is also
00:37:13surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later i knew we had to think of something
00:37:19really good for you and as luck would have it right then candace showed up at the launch pad and
00:37:24was
00:37:24going on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you when i found
00:37:29out i said what
00:37:30the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more important than true love that's so cool what
00:37:36would
00:37:36have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four hundred thousand dollars oh four hundred
00:37:43thousand dollars yeah uh candace could could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear the air
00:37:50because you know i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not hostile kyle are you hostile no no no
00:37:58no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't want to tell you how you feel
00:38:02but i imagine that you would
00:38:05have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle yeah but um you seem mad i'm not
00:38:16mad
00:38:17are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at all okay then we're not mad let's just drop
00:38:22it okay yeah yeah
00:38:24fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of
00:38:32shit okay everyone seems like the perfect time for a little safety meeting we've had some rather
00:38:40unsafe behavior recently i'm not going to name names but i just want to really quickly go over some of
00:38:47the basics first things first this is the airlock earlier today kyle was suggesting that we leave
00:38:53someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a myriad of reasons if you're in this thing without
00:38:59a space suit when the exterior door opens the changing pressures could be fatal now if you do
00:39:04have your space suit on and you're going to take a walk on the martian surface you would stand on
00:39:09this circle and give the voice command airlock c-l-o-s-e oh airlock closed
00:39:18thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door opening in 30 seconds okay luckily
00:39:26we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your space suit
00:39:32just give the voice command abort airlock procedure well then do it i am doing it
00:39:38i was trying to abort i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 guys you cannot
00:39:47say the command while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm gonna take it from here okay
00:39:52yeah just be quiet kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get you candace now you did it i'm sorry i
00:39:57was telling
00:39:58kyle to be quiet for you i wasn't going to say anything you just did it everyone shut up everyone
00:40:04shut up shut up kyle shut up shut up wimmy shut up you just talked kandace sorry everyone will you
00:40:12both shut the everyone shut up shut up abort airlock
00:40:22oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh
00:40:26did that just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that
00:40:33what are you talking about elron is dead who elron the the billionaire guy that brought us here
00:40:40the elron the main guy elron oh right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:49holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not fucking cool
00:40:55elron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord god almighty
00:41:01fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together
00:41:14his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it
00:41:17holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:21holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy holy
00:41:35holy
00:41:35that you killed our captain?
00:41:37Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:39I didn't kill him.
00:41:40You're the one who said airlock closed.
00:41:43Airlock closed.
00:41:44Hey, come on, Wimmy.
00:41:45Leave Peggy alone.
00:41:47She can't help it.
00:41:47She's, you know...
00:41:49What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:50I mean, Peggy is obviously...
00:41:53She's, you know...
00:41:55Peggy, I don't want to offend you,
00:41:56but, I mean, you're obviously...
00:41:59You have a mental thing, right?
00:42:02Are you mentally handicapped?
00:42:04Oh!
00:42:05I'm sorry!
00:42:06No, that came out wrong.
00:42:08Look, it's not going to solve anything
00:42:09for us to be blaming each other.
00:42:11Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room
00:42:13has made mistakes,
00:42:14and right now, the best thing is
00:42:16for everyone here to just forgive everyone here
00:42:20so that we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:23So we can all work together moving forward.
00:42:27Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:29I don't have an attitude.
00:42:30Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man.
00:42:31I know you're not my dad.
00:42:33My dad is awesome.
00:42:35Is L. Ron okay?
00:42:43Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control,
00:42:45tell them what happened,
00:42:46and get them to pick us up and take us home.
00:42:48I know!
00:42:49Hit this one!
00:42:50Peggy, don't touch.
00:42:52This is dangerous.
00:42:53Okay, from now on, no one touches anything.
00:42:57Todd!
00:42:58Telecom.
00:42:59It's short for telecommunications.
00:43:02Mission Control, can you hear us?
00:43:04There they are!
00:43:06Bastards!
00:43:07You bastard!
00:43:09Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:12Guys, guys, we are so sorry about L. Ron.
00:43:16It was an accident.
00:43:17We saw everything!
00:43:19There's cameras!
00:43:20Uh, what do we do?
00:43:23How do we get back home?
00:43:23What happens?
00:43:24Okay.
00:43:26Well, we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home.
00:43:30Just don't touch that big red button.
00:43:33Um, Peggy already did.
00:43:37What?
00:43:38You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:40Yeah.
00:43:41Well, great.
00:43:42That just disengaged all the return boosters.
00:43:44Oh, thank you, Peggy.
00:43:46Did I fix it?
00:43:47Well, now what?
00:43:48Are we screwed?
00:43:49Is there another way to get back?
00:43:51Of course there is.
00:43:52In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B.
00:43:56Oh, thank God.
00:43:58Yeah.
00:43:58If we start constructing another ship now, we can get to you guys in about five years.
00:44:04Five years?
00:44:05Did you say five years?
00:44:07We're all going to be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:09Five.
00:44:09Five whole years.
00:44:10Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you killed L. Ron Branson.
00:44:14He wants a candle in the wind.
00:44:16And a rocket man.
00:44:19That dude?
00:44:20He was a nerd.
00:44:22Nerd?
00:44:23Nerd?
00:44:24You know what?
00:44:24That's the problem with cools.
00:44:27You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody.
00:44:30Well, if you wanted a world without nerds, then Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.
00:44:37You're on one.
00:44:38Nerds out.
00:44:39No, no, no.
00:44:40Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:41Nerds.
00:44:42No.
00:44:43No.
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that.
00:44:55Look at that.
00:44:55Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame.
00:44:57Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:59Someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame.
00:45:01Okay.
00:45:02Here we go.
00:45:02Now, he's like, oh, oh, I'm in trouble.
00:45:05I'm in trouble.
00:45:05Oh, boom.
00:45:07Rewind.
00:45:08See?
00:45:08See?
00:45:08He's still alive there.
00:45:09Still alive there.
00:45:10There.
00:45:11Still alive.
00:45:11He's feeling it right there.
00:45:14And that's where I think he died.
00:45:15What about you?
00:45:16I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff.
00:45:18Oh, not me.
00:45:19I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home.
00:45:22It's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it.
00:45:24Getting back to the crisis at hand, millions and millions of viewers around the globe are
00:45:29mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson and watching the developments
00:45:34with bated breath.
00:45:35So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock.
00:45:42And with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew how to operate
00:45:47the ship, how do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:49I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there.
00:45:53Let's take a look at the feed.
00:45:55Where should we start?
00:45:56Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:58I like the way you think.
00:45:59Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up.
00:46:02But you're going to remind him.
00:46:06You're the hottest bitch on this planet.
00:46:09Pizza.
00:46:12Roast beef.
00:46:14Chocolate.
00:46:16Frosted Lucky Charms.
00:46:18Reese's Puff.
00:46:18Cocoa Puffs.
00:46:26Hi.
00:46:28So, Todd, huh?
00:46:31That's an interesting name.
00:46:33I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy.
00:46:34What?
00:46:35You just told your boyfriend you're on a break.
00:46:37You're hurt.
00:46:38You're angry.
00:46:38You want to fuck somebody.
00:46:40You're being crazy.
00:46:41Oh, my God.
00:46:42I wouldn't even think.
00:46:44Okay, sweet.
00:46:45That is not why I came over here.
00:46:48Oh, okay.
00:46:49My mistake.
00:46:50And for your information, crazy girls are the best in bed.
00:46:54That's not true.
00:46:55That's just something crazy girls say.
00:46:57Oh!
00:47:03Hey, Peggy.
00:47:05They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make.
00:47:08God, it stinks in here.
00:47:10Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight.
00:47:15Shut up!
00:47:17Literally nobody has ever said that to me.
00:47:21Literally!
00:47:21That's a shame, because I think you're fucking sexy.
00:47:26Candace, you are blowing my mind right now.
00:47:29What do you say we lock this door, put on some music, grab a bottle of Everclear, and...
00:47:37Candace, I'm going to stop you right there.
00:47:39I don't stick my fingers in crazy.
00:47:41What?
00:47:42It's my one rule.
00:47:43Don't get me wrong, Candace.
00:47:45Candace, you're a very attractive woman, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.
00:47:49But I know where this road leads, and it's not a place where either of us would feel good if...
00:47:55What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:48:04Hey there.
00:48:07Whimmy, right?
00:48:09Shhh.
00:48:13Okay.
00:48:16Hi, Candace.
00:48:18I was just talking to my best friend.
00:48:21Who's your best friend?
00:48:22Ugh, this is so fucking hard.
00:48:25What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:28Let me stop you right there.
00:48:29I do not imbibe.
00:48:31But I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol.
00:48:36Ha, you're funny.
00:48:39Listen, Whimmy, you're a man with needs.
00:48:43I'm a woman with needs.
00:48:45What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:47What?
00:48:47No!
00:48:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:49I am taken.
00:48:51Here's the Tilliam's clan right here.
00:48:53Ah!
00:48:54What?
00:48:55Oh, no, no.
00:49:02Candace, we just adulteried!
00:49:04I adulteried!
00:49:05I just betrayed my wife and children!
00:49:11I'm sorry.
00:49:12I just don't know what's going on with me.
00:49:14This whole thing with me and Kyle has me feel like I'm losing my mind.
00:49:20I'm not usually like this, I swear.
00:49:23Okay.
00:49:24Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason.
00:49:27So, uh, maybe he can use this as a teachable moment.
00:49:31Okay.
00:49:33John 3.16 says,
00:49:34For God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son.
00:49:37Yeah, but, Whimmy, we're not on earth.
00:49:41Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system.
00:49:44Well, why would he say earth if he meant solar system?
00:49:49Candace.
00:49:49Well, way back when this was written, God probably had no idea that in the future man would make it
00:49:54to other planets.
00:49:56Well, I mean, he knew.
00:49:58He just, he had to know.
00:49:59He just probably didn't, I mean, hold on.
00:50:04Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys.
00:50:06In high school, I wasn't the most popular guy either.
00:50:08I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18.
00:50:11Oh, 18?
00:50:1418?
00:50:15That's not nerdy.
00:50:16That's cool.
00:50:17No, I didn't mean 18.
00:50:18It wasn't 18.
00:50:19I don't know why I said that.
00:50:21It was way later.
00:50:22It was like, like 20.
00:50:2320?
00:50:24Nine.
00:50:2529.
00:50:25I was 29.
00:50:26Oh, okay.
00:50:29That's pretty lame, I guess.
00:50:31I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.
00:50:34I didn't, but I could have.
00:50:36Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:50:37You, you kissed a girl at 28?
00:50:39Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:44Yeah, right.
00:50:45Get out of here.
00:50:47You don't really think that.
00:50:48Oh, I don't know.
00:50:49I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.
00:50:53Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool, though?
00:50:56If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home.
00:51:01Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
00:51:05That's right.
00:51:06Okay.
00:51:07Well, it's not going to be easy, but I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to
00:51:14walk
00:51:14you through it.
00:51:15The first thing you're going to need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank.
00:51:20Kyle, I'm so sorry.
00:51:22Can we talk?
00:51:23Just, just, just a minute, Candace.
00:51:25The mission control guys are helping us get home.
00:51:27All right, now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators
00:51:32to the ship's return tank.
00:51:34Okay, resting generators.
00:51:35Got it.
00:51:36I cheated on you with Wimmy.
00:51:39With Wimmy?
00:51:40What?
00:51:40Why?
00:51:41Weird.
00:51:41Okay.
00:51:42Okay.
00:51:43All right.
00:51:43Look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that, but I got to
00:51:48do this right now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about.
00:51:51I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you, and all you do is
00:51:57ignore
00:51:57me.
00:51:58Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal, or is this somewhere in the ship
00:52:03here?
00:52:03That is outside of the ship.
00:52:04Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:07Hiya!
00:52:08Candace, no!
00:52:11Two years of my life, Kyle.
00:52:14My two best years wasted with you.
00:52:19Oh, my God!
00:52:20Candace, stop!
00:52:26Oh, my God.
00:52:27I could have married Brian Delaney.
00:52:36Candace, you broke the air thing!
00:52:38Well, now we're even, because you broke my heart!
00:52:42No, no, no!
00:52:43You broke the fucking air thing!
00:52:45The meek shall inherit the earth!
00:52:49The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord!
00:52:54The earth is the Lord of the fullness thereof!
00:53:04The thing!
00:53:05See, she fucking broke the thing!
00:53:07We're gonna die!
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it.
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it.
00:53:20We're gonna die.
00:53:21We're all gonna die!
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're gonna die, man!
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air!
00:53:28Our air is sucked out into outer space!
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:32Because this bitch...
00:53:34Hey!
00:53:35No, no, do not judge me until I have finished my sentence, because then you will see that she has
00:53:43murdered you, and she has murdered you, and she has murdered me, and she has also committed suicide and killed
00:53:54Wemi.
00:53:54Where...
00:53:55Where's Wemi?
00:53:57There is no God here.
00:53:59We abandoned him when we left the earth.
00:54:01He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:02The red planet is the planet of the devil.
00:54:07Okay, first of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room.
00:54:10Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said, and it's important for a leader to be calm and
00:54:18collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:25Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:29He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and see
00:54:32you after you tried to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel, fill up the gas tank?
00:54:55They, well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve,
00:55:03probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:08Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:13I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:21Candace and Wimmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You seem in a weird way not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think it'll be more like you helping me fix this ship, and also, I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, lust muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about...
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh.
00:56:02Treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts, outside of marriage.
00:56:10And I don't give a shh-shh-damn.
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Eh, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:33We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful.
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good.
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:10If you want to talk to me, you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:37Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There!
00:57:40I just got it in.
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I gotta say, Todd, I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home, everyone will be like, hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing is while I was up there, I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:09What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously?
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:12Yeah.
00:58:13I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry.
00:58:16Excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor in her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the B word back there.
00:58:26I mean, she is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years, and she's wrecked the spaceship now, and she's ruined my life.
00:58:35She ruins your life.
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:40Look, you're obviously not really committed to your relationship, and you've just been stringing her along instead of manning up
00:58:45and doing the right thing.
00:58:46What, marry her?
00:58:48No, break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fix the ship.
00:59:03Wimmy Tilliams is my name, and sinning is my new game.
00:59:06Committing adultery felt that good.
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel to sin even harder.
00:59:21Hey, there, handsome devil.
00:59:29When the going gets tough and the road is dark
00:59:33And the trouble never ends
00:59:36There's always one thing that you can count on
00:59:39I'm talking about friends
00:59:43You can always count on friends
00:59:45To lift you up when you are down
00:59:48Friends are always there for you
00:59:52When no one else is around
00:59:56Friends!
00:59:57That's what I'm talking about
00:59:59Friends!
01:00:01You'd be a mess without
01:00:02Friends
01:00:21Buy it on Amazon
01:00:28Friends
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list
01:00:37Celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rubisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King Celebrities
01:00:57Yeah!
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood
01:01:13Brad Pitt
01:01:15Town
01:01:16Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18Fuck!
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me!
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here!
01:01:24Stop acting like one!
01:01:25Uh, okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28Uh, you missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace
01:01:35All that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37About how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41To tell her how he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry again
01:01:52Watch for ends!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me
01:01:58Or let me go
01:02:01Look, I
01:02:02I really do care about you
01:02:05But, but I
01:02:06Well, by my calculations
01:02:07We got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging
01:02:14On the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16From the main comm board
01:02:17For us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude
01:02:20I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21Alright, that's it
01:02:23Murs sucks
01:02:24Fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29Wants to come with us
01:02:30You better hurry his ass up
01:02:32Wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Wimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Wimmy likey
01:02:44Wimmy likey a lot
01:02:46Oh my god!
01:02:47There is no god up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the lamb
01:02:51I now worship
01:02:53The goat
01:02:55The dark one demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00Satan
01:03:01What?
01:03:01God, let's go!
01:03:03Satan
01:03:03Evil
01:03:04Becky
01:03:04Candace
01:03:05Get in the ship
01:03:06We gotta get out of here
01:03:07Metal
01:03:07Music
01:03:08Nudity
01:03:09Democrats
01:03:09Look, look, Wimmy
01:03:11A cross
01:03:11Huh?
01:03:12Jesus
01:03:12Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:16Huh?
01:03:17Oh!
01:03:18Oh!
01:03:20Oh!
01:03:22Oh!
01:03:24We're in
01:03:24We made it
01:03:25We're all here
01:03:25Huh?
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah
01:03:28That's, uh
01:03:29Right, yeah
01:03:29That's, that's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right
01:03:33Yeah, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming Wimmy won't survive when we leave
01:03:38Well, that's
01:03:38Well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:41Come on, let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:45Ignition in
01:03:46Ten
01:03:47Nine
01:03:48Eight
01:03:49Oh, good!
01:03:50Wimmy's better!
01:03:51What?
01:03:51Five
01:03:53Four
01:03:53Three
01:03:56What's happening?
01:03:57Where aren't we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh
01:04:03This fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No!
01:04:10You are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I, I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you
01:04:22You deserve someone that does
01:04:31Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:34Wimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter
01:04:36Fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Wimmy, kill ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle!
01:04:47Ay-ah!
01:04:49Wimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:54Da-da-da-sub-zero
01:04:56Da-da-da-sub-zero
01:04:57Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-sub-zero
01:05:00Sub-zero
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up
01:05:07The two of us
01:05:08Locked in battle
01:05:09Oh!
01:05:11Ow!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:13I'm bullying
01:05:14Awwww...
01:05:16What?
01:05:17Hey!
01:05:18Kyle!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:05:52What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello?
01:06:05Hey, Kyle, what's up?
01:06:06What's going on, man?
01:06:07What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work.
01:06:11Lots of work stuff.
01:06:12Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man.
01:06:14The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that.
01:06:16I know that, man.
01:06:17I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks, to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up.
01:06:25Kyle needs us.
01:06:26We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys.
01:06:43This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks.
01:06:58I feel really, really good.
01:07:00The world is ours.
01:07:02One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves.
01:07:06Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancƩ, Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float.
01:07:33We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hitting a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter.
01:07:57Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:10That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:15I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.
01:08:20The others get a free ride because they're shell companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:32I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you!
01:08:45Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:48Ah!
01:08:50Ah!
01:08:51Ah!
01:08:51Ah!
01:08:51Please stop!
01:08:52Please stop!
01:08:52Please!
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking.
01:09:00Take us up the chain!
01:09:01You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:07Lucy!
01:09:08I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:11Daddy!
01:09:12Help us!
01:09:13No!
01:09:14No!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle!
01:09:17I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler!
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh!
01:09:28That's right!
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time!
01:09:32I don't know what's going on!
01:09:34Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp!
01:09:39Chomp chomp!
01:09:40I told you all I know!
01:09:41Our parent company is Technological Human Electronic Household Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber Anthropomorphic Utility Systems Treatment Worldwide Analytics Software
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated!
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy!
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in!
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this'll be some drama!
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:08But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen Belt?
01:10:15Yes, I-I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years! Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:35Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters, and I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there!
01:10:50Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name!
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker! It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet!
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twinks! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11While getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:19Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no, what have I done?
01:12:35Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter!
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carla, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:58What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor, skinhead!
01:13:06Oh!
01:13:08Oh!
01:13:10Oh!
01:13:12Oh!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:16Light them up!
01:13:18Oh!
01:13:20Oh!
01:13:22Oh!
01:13:23Oh!
01:13:24Oh!
01:13:25Oh!
01:13:29Oh, oh my god!
01:13:38Oh!
01:13:39Oh!
01:13:41Oh!
01:13:45Oh!
01:14:10367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover
01:14:17Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected
01:14:48with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing
01:15:03Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no. No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:48Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace.
01:16:14Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:21And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:30Hey! Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true it was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancƩ who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean, how so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:58Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on now.
01:18:02The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here. Trapped down here.
01:18:31We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:19:48,
01:19:50,
01:19:51.
01:19:53,
01:19:53.
01:19:53,
01:20:08.
01:20:09.
01:20:09.
01:20:09.
01:22:04And the trouble never ends.
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:34Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:38They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friends should never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stephanie.
01:23:10My cousin, my cousin, my cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:33Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:44I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:24:54I'm sorry.
01:24:55I'm sorry.
01:24:56I'm sorry.
01:24:57I'm sorry.
01:25:01I'm sorry.
01:25:01I'm sorry.
01:25:01I'm sorry.
Comments