- 8 minutes ago
Urzila S01E04-6 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:05Hello, Ursula?
00:07Kids, shut up.
00:08Shh, shh, shh.
00:11Are you home?
00:12Weevil!
00:14Someone find Mommy's pants.
00:15Where are you naked?
00:17Who put this shit on the wall?
00:20What?
00:21What's the emergency?
00:22Did someone die?
00:23I just thought I'd pop by.
00:25Pop by?
00:26Bitch, I'm not prepared for that.
00:28This house is a mess.
00:29I'm not going to let you see my filth.
00:31I bet you're one of those tidy house psychos.
00:33What are you hiding, huh?
00:34What kind of fritzle situation is going on at your place?
00:37Can I just use your bathroom?
00:39No.
00:40We don't have one.
00:42Yeah, we're free weirs now.
00:44It's better for the environment.
00:45Just go we over there.
00:53Ew, grub.
00:54You are on fire!
00:56Oh, my God!
00:59Honestly, you make my tits perk up and nothing does that.
01:02Can I just say, as a 50-year-old woman, do you know the hardest part of my day these
01:06days?
01:06And you go, is it menopause?
01:08No, it's lining up my nipples.
01:10Like, initially, like, in my 40s, it was once a day, I'd put the bra on, I'd line the girls
01:15up, I'd go, I'm good to go.
01:16Now, they go, eh.
01:19They're wilting, like, celery in Brisbane.
01:22They just can't do it.
01:24Then you talk to younger women, you know, whose skin's still fit.
01:27And they go, it's so embarrassing.
01:28I said, today, I went to work and I forgot to put on a bra.
01:37They go, I didn't even notice till I went for morning tea, made a cup of tea.
01:40When I opened the fridge, my nipples just went, ding!
01:43I was like, yeah, I weirdly had a very similar experience this week.
01:46Forgot to put a bra on, went to make a cup of tea, and slammed my tits in the drawer.
01:53Yeah.
01:56Very similar story.
01:57My nipples also went, ding-dong.
02:01Honestly, the stuff we go through as women with our boobs is crazy.
02:04I can't believe the technology's not really changed, you know.
02:07The fight we have with our underwire is insane.
02:11Insane.
02:12Like, you go throughout the day and you never know when that thing's coming out.
02:16You're just at work, you're working, three o'clock, you turn to look at your work wife,
02:19and you're like, oh, I can't.
02:22And, you know, you go, oh, I think I may have had a stroke or something.
02:26I can't turn my, oh, no, it's the underwire.
02:28It's out.
02:29The underwire crept out.
02:30No one had said anything to you.
02:33And you know that thing didn't just go, it didn't just pop out.
02:36It slowly, incrementally, quarter of a millimetre by quarter of a millimetre was creeping out.
02:41You've been dealing with clients all day.
02:43You've been talking to your friends.
02:44Not one of them has gone, hey, babes.
02:47Yeah, your mechanical tit is unravelling.
02:50You know, that's how it changes.
02:51You go, how has your life changed as you've gotten older?
02:54I've got a lot more confidence.
02:55And I went from a double D to a 38 long.
03:10I'm looking for the owner of a 10 double D grey granny bra with underwire issues 2017 model.
03:16Hey, come on.
03:19All right.
03:21Pop the hood.
03:23Yay.
03:24Yay, old lady.
03:25I haven't seen one of these in years.
03:27Yeah, it's vintage.
03:28No, it's a shitbox is what it is.
03:30You should have come to see me ages ago.
03:31What the hell?
03:33I've got an antenna.
03:34You can catch talkback radio on this.
03:35Oh, I'm a racist bastard.
03:37But we could just take the underwire out and then it should be fine.
03:40If we take the underwire, that right tit is going to come right down.
03:43And by Wednesday, you just drop kicking it on the pavement.
03:46I don't want that.
03:46No one wants that.
03:47What we're going to do is I'm going to go ahead and put it back in for you, OK?
03:51Yeah.
03:52Oh, God.
03:53Just don't scream.
03:54OK.
03:55Yeah.
03:55Oh, God.
03:55She's in.
03:56That feels so much better.
03:57So much better.
03:58They do for your work.
03:59Oh, we're not done.
04:01We're not done?
04:01No, no.
04:02Look, the suspension on this thing is munted.
04:04Look at that.
04:04Look at that.
04:05Oh.
04:05Diff is going to be dragging on that thing.
04:07It's got no shocks left in it.
04:09OK.
04:09Do you get a lot of tit-poppages on that?
04:11Oh, sometimes if I stop suddenly.
04:12Yeah.
04:13It's because your brake's on, Roy.
04:14OK.
04:14I'll tell you what.
04:15She's a big job.
04:16The rims are all bent up.
04:17Leave her with me for a couple of days.
04:19I'll give you one of these courtesy bras.
04:20Maybe that sporty one.
04:21No, I can't wear that.
04:23And I need this done now.
04:24I need it now.
04:27Hop up.
04:27Let me have a look underneath.
04:30Alrighty, Roy.
04:31Shall we?
04:32OK.
04:33Good news, bad news.
04:34You're getting new lace.
04:35Yeah, just do it.
04:36Just do it.
04:37Oh.
04:38Oh.
04:39You sure you know what you're doing down there?
04:41I'm going to need a hammer.
04:44Oh, wow.
04:45Got it.
04:46This should lift those girls up.
04:49Oh.
04:49Oh, no.
04:50I've hit the milk tank.
04:51Oh, sorry.
04:52I'm lactating.
04:53I just need it.
04:54It's all right.
04:54It happens all the time.
04:55Don't worry about it.
04:58That was a messy job, mate.
04:59Michael, I'm going to smell like custard for days.
05:01I mean, it's much better, so thank you.
05:04There you go.
05:06$1,455.
05:08That seems like a lot.
05:10Oh, hi, Mum.
05:10What's the damage?
05:13Well, underwires, 15mm straps, D-cup re-putting.
05:19Well, going off this month's Spotlight catalogue, I'd say $17.70.
05:23Yeah, and labour, though.
05:25So, like, 10 minutes.
05:27$17.70, is it?
05:30Thanks, Mum.
05:33Thanks.
05:34Don't hurry back.
05:35Next!
05:36It's been 28 days since the virus spread, what many are calling a carendemic.
05:42She spat in my son's face.
05:44I'm notifying the authorities!
05:47And we'll look at him.
05:51You have no right to film me.
05:52That's it.
05:53If you film me, I'll film you.
05:55The Australian military has finally captured the first of the infected, Karen Zero.
06:00You're bending my voice!
06:02Scientists hoping her DNA may provide a cure to this horrifying plague.
06:11Karen! Karen! Karen, can you hear us? Karen! Karen!
06:14Yes! I'm asleep, not dead.
06:17Use your inside voice.
06:19Can you understand what we're saying?
06:20Yes, I speak English.
06:21This is an English-speaking country, the last time I checked.
06:23Although, before you know it, we'll all be speaking Afrikaans.
06:25Because why stop letting those people in?
06:27We only have until midnight to secure a DNA sample.
06:29It's the only way to create a cure.
06:32Okay, Karen, I'm going to get a strand of your head now, okay?
06:35Hey, hey, hey!
06:36The only people I let touch my blunt bob is Fernando, my stylist.
06:39And me, when I have to fix his cock-ups.
06:41You're not touching my blunt bob!
06:43We're running out of time.
06:44I'm going to get it skin scraping.
06:45Good luck. I've had more sunbeds than you've had hot meals.
06:48Don't you know you're ruining the world?
06:50You're evil!
06:50And you're rude, Missy.
06:52I'm going to make you really famous on my Facebook community page.
06:55We need to get a blood sample.
06:57Excuse me, are you even a qualified phlebotomist?
06:59I'm going to need a man for this job, please.
07:01Are you not putting that on me?
07:02Ah! I didn't even get vaccinated.
07:04You don't know what's in that?
07:05I do all my own research!
07:07Get off me.
07:08There are 443,000 currents on this planet because of you.
07:12And that number is increasing minute by minute.
07:15It's okay.
07:15I'll talk to their supervisor.
07:17There is no supervisor.
07:18I'll talk to their manager then.
07:19There is no manager either.
07:20So who's in charge of these carons then?
07:22You are the first caron who started the virus.
07:25So what does that mean?
07:26I guess it means the supervisor is you.
07:32I want to talk to the supervisor.
07:34I am the supervisor.
07:35I have to speak to myself?
07:37But you can't talk to me like that.
07:39I pay my taxes.
07:40I know my rights.
07:41I've been a customer here for years.
07:43You can't park there.
07:44Don't film.
07:45I will film you.
07:46Why don't you go back to where you came from?
07:49Speak in jail!
07:57Is she dead?
07:58I think so.
08:00We may win this war yet.
08:07Oh, this place is filthy.
08:09How long are you going to let the blood lie here?
08:11Who's in charge of mopping these floors?
08:13This is a safe thing of shame.
08:16You know, we are in here because we all have something in common.
08:19We all love comedy and very sexy lesbians.
08:22No, you know, that's what brings people together.
08:25The things we have in common.
08:26We think it's sport, but it's a lot more simple than that.
08:28We have very simple things.
08:30It's like if you drive a car, you own a car, you pick your nose in the car and you
08:34flick the snot in the passenger footwell.
08:36Don't you?
08:37Oh, me.
08:38I will go lock down that car park next to this building and I will get us someone to take
08:43a blue light through all of your cars.
08:44That passenger footwell will light up like a smurf's anus.
08:48You know it.
08:49You know when you're driving.
08:52Well, you're not going to eat it, you animal.
08:55I mean, on a nice day when the windows open, you biff it out the window, but otherwise it goes
08:58in the passenger footwell.
09:00You also don't want to roll the car and then have to explain to people it's because you're picking your
09:03nose.
09:04We all, that's the stuff that bring us together.
09:06The little things that get on our nerves are the little things that we do.
09:08Like we all drink box wine.
09:10You know?
09:10And I know, so if you're fancy and you go, well, I have never.
09:13Well, if you've never had box wine, then you've never asked for the house wine at a restaurant.
09:18That's a fact.
09:19You think they get that stuff out of the good bottle?
09:21Dream on, my friend.
09:22They don't.
09:23That stuff comes straight out of a bag.
09:25How handy are those bags at the end?
09:26You can float on them down a river.
09:28You use them as a pillow.
09:29The kids are playing with them.
09:30You're basically a good parent if you had that.
09:39This is actually one of my personal favourites.
09:42What fresh hell is that?
09:44Oh, somebody knows their box wine.
09:46Oh, well.
09:47Now, this one you can actually drink immediately.
09:49But we do recommend that you cellar it for 10 to 12 minutes.
09:52Any longer and it's going to burn a hole right through your stomach lining.
09:55That is acrid.
09:56It's stinging my eyes.
09:58Also, I'd like you to try a new one.
09:59It's going to take you on a bit of a journey.
10:01So, pay attention to the notes in it and tell me what you taste.
10:07Beautiful colour.
10:08Okay.
10:09All right.
10:12That tastes like my mouth stubbed its toe.
10:15I can already taste what it would be like to throw this up in the back of an Uber.
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:19It's quite acidic.
10:20Almost urine-like.
10:22Yeah, it's the piss.
10:23Real piss?
10:24Yeah.
10:25Yeah, yeah.
10:25That is directly from our Felix filtration system.
10:29Go, buddy!
10:29It's a strong strain.
10:31Yeah, it reeks.
10:32He's got three kidneys.
10:33Oh, amazing.
10:34It's a gift.
10:35Wow.
10:35Yeah.
10:36It gives a depth of flavour to the wine that you're just not going to find in any other box
10:39wine.
10:40Ugh.
10:41I actually wouldn't mind trying some of these others if I could.
10:44Mucky Pond Scum Deodorant Anal Lecage?
10:47No, Anal Lecage.
10:48It's English.
10:49Yeah.
10:49Anal Lecage.
10:50Anal Lecage.
10:51Anal Lecage.
10:51Okay.
10:52Yeah.
10:52How do I pronounce this last one?
10:53Spew.
10:54Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:55Spew.
10:56Yeah.
10:56Spew.
10:57Yeah, yeah.
10:57I'd like to taste the spew.
10:59Of course.
10:59It's actually part of our tasting flight.
11:03Wow.
11:05Fancy.
11:06If it lands on you, you must drink every last drop.
11:10The last drop.
11:11You ready?
11:12Yes, okay.
11:13Let's do it.
11:13Good luck.
11:15Yeah.
11:17Oh.
11:19Yay.
11:23Here's to Sally.
11:25She's too blue.
11:26She's a piss spot through and through.
11:28She's a bastard, so they say.
11:31She's trying to go down, but you ain't the other one.
11:33Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
11:40Yay.
11:42It's nutty.
11:43Like ballsacky.
11:45I really wouldn't know.
11:49All right.
11:50Off you go, Jack.
11:51Go find someone to play with.
11:52Oh, cool.
11:52There's Oscar.
11:54Yeah, yeah.
11:55He's definitely there.
11:56But also, there's Axel.
11:58Don't play with Axel.
12:00I think I'll go play with Oscar.
12:03You and I have to have a little chat, okay, buddy?
12:06Whoever you choose to be friends with, I have to be friends with their mums, and I cannot do that.
12:11Okay?
12:11So go play with Axel.
12:12What's wrong with Oscar?
12:14Oscar's class captain.
12:15So you know his mum runs half marathons.
12:17She's going to want to chat to me about intermittent fasting, and there's about 4,000 recipes for chia pudding.
12:22I cannot do another chia pudding, okay?
12:24I'll have a blowout.
12:25But look at Axel's mum.
12:26She's a baby.
12:27I like her.
12:27Do you see how she doesn't have orthopedic sneakers on?
12:30It's because she's cool.
12:31And cool parents have cool kids.
12:33So please, go play with Axel.
12:34But isn't Axel a bad kid?
12:36What do you mean?
12:38Look at him.
12:39He's eradicating ants.
12:40You hate ants.
12:40The insects and the movie.
12:42But Oscar looks like he's having fun too.
12:44Oscar's picking up other people's trash.
12:46Okay?
12:47So you know his mum has a cute cup and some hot opinions about vegetarianism.
12:51I'm not getting involved in that.
12:56I thought you said bullying was wrong.
12:57What bullying?
12:59He's teaching younger kids to be resilient, baby.
13:01They need that.
13:03I don't know, mum.
13:04Oscar's really smart.
13:06As is Axel.
13:09Look at him.
13:10He's selling sherbet to kids.
13:13What a good kid.
13:14He's a little entrepreneur.
13:15I don't think that's sherbet, mum.
13:17Please.
13:18Think of me just for once, okay?
13:19And go and play with the evil kid.
13:21Okay, fine.
13:29Hi.
13:30Hello.
13:31Hi, yeah, good.
13:31Yep.
13:32Kids, eh?
13:33Just get up to the darndest things.
13:35Oh, I know.
13:35I would kill for a kid like Axel.
13:37Wait, you're not Axel's mum.
13:39Oh, I wish.
13:41Get this.
13:41I tried to get Oscar to sell pingas in the playground the other day.
13:44And he said, no, I'd rather do origami.
13:46I'm so embarrassed.
13:47Wait, so who's Axel's mum?
13:49Oh, Q.
13:50Do not want to know.
13:51Yoo-hoo.
13:53That's not her.
13:54Hi, hi.
13:55How do you tell me?
13:56Oh, my God.
13:57Look, Axel's made a friend.
13:58Hit it.
13:59Hit it.
14:00Hit it.
14:00Harder.
14:01Looks like we're going to be besties.
14:03I am.
14:04Hmm.
14:05Have you heard of intermittent fasting?
14:07Honestly, I just broke my fast with this amazing turmeric chai chia pudding.
14:11Hey, that is too big for anything.
14:14That and that.
14:14Jack, let's go.
14:15Your kid is a bad influence on my child and she'd be in prison.
14:19So should you.
14:21You're going to have a blowout, by the way.
14:23Can you please give this to Axel?
14:25I tell him, I'm good for it.
14:27I'm good for the next one.
14:29Axel, darling, I said no dealing in the playground.
14:31You're not listening to mummy.
14:32Hey, listen, can I just say, you know, we live in this world now where it is what it is.
14:37Like, we're burning it to the ground.
14:39But at least we're more aware of each other and we know that everyone is beautiful.
14:48That's not true, is it?
14:50Oh, you know, when people go, everyone's opinions count.
14:52Everyone has valid, valid opinions and everyone is beautiful.
14:56I go, no, they're not.
14:57I have seen some dogs in my time.
15:00I know.
15:01And I know right now you're going, this is, can I allow this?
15:05I want you to quickly transport yourself out of your own Facebook community page and what
15:11you would say online to put you and your friend in a mall.
15:15Let's create a scenario, shall we?
15:18Let's, for instance, say we're all in the mall, okay?
15:21We're out of this theatre.
15:22We're in the mall, me with this body right now in a black miniskirt, a leather one, okay?
15:29You're there with your best friend.
15:31You two see me walking.
15:35Yeah, that's what you're doing right now.
15:38You know, you fucking know.
15:44You don't think you've got a mean bone in your body, all right?
15:47Let's amp it up a little bit, shall we?
15:49We're in the mall.
15:50I'm in my black miniskirt and we're all going up the escalator, okay?
15:55Now you're with me.
15:57I'm a few steps ahead of you.
15:59Then your friend.
15:59You want to tell your friend something so you look right up my clacker.
16:03Now you've got pink eye.
16:04Is it still beautiful?
16:06Is it still beautiful?
16:10If you honestly believe that every person is beautiful, you've never been on public transport.
16:17You have not because that is an assault on your eyeballs and, quite frankly, all of your senses, okay?
16:22I'm not saying we're not all beautiful.
16:25Like, you may find something sexy, right?
16:27What's sexy to you is not necessarily sexy to me.
16:30All I'm saying is, like, not all beautiful things are sexy or not all sexy things are beautiful.
16:34We're not here to yuck your yum, whatever you're into.
16:37That's called having a kink, okay?
16:40If you think everyone's beautiful, congratulations.
16:42You've got a kink, maybe.
16:44Maybe you think all accents are beautiful, right?
16:47Maybe, like, you know, the South African accent is very sexy.
16:50It is a very attractive accent.
16:52It just makes your panties drop right off you.
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18:08Pick up the phone and call 1-900-PASSIONS to talk to beautiful women from all around the world.
18:14Or this bitch.
18:17Oh man, I'm riding you so hard right now.
18:19And you're charging at me like a hippo.
18:21And it is wet season in a savannah.
18:23Now you're hard like a cricket wicked man.
18:25You're long and skinny.
18:26With a bit of grass coming through the sides.
18:29Don't you finish.
18:30Oh, shame man.
18:31Okay, bye.
18:32Don't wait.
18:34Call 1-900-PASSIONS right now.
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18:38But don't call me for the next 45 minutes.
18:41I'm on lunch.
18:42This biltong is real hard to chew through.
18:44So, who do you want to talk to?
18:48Hey, do you know the world's sexiest accents?
18:51They rank them every year.
18:52Did you know that?
18:53Do you want to guess the sexiest accent in the world right now?
18:58That's right.
18:59Kiwi accent.
19:00Doesn't that just fucking blow up your ass?
19:02A Kiwi accent is number one.
19:04Do you want to guess what's number two?
19:07South African.
19:08That's right.
19:09Australia comes in at number five.
19:12So, I've got a hybrid of all three of those.
19:15Honestly, I'm amazed.
19:17While I'm talking, if you just listen,
19:19you can hear the knickers just drop around the room.
19:22She's a full-time job.
19:23Just go and pull that up.
19:24Put that back in.
19:26All right.
19:27Thank you so much for coming.
19:28You guys have been amazing.
19:30Cheers to us moving in together.
19:32What a huge step in our relationship.
19:34Go us.
19:36Cheers.
19:38We should go camping this weekend.
19:41Camping?
19:42I'd rather headbutt a nail.
19:43You expect me to shit in a bucket.
19:45Camping isn't for me.
19:46It's for straight men who secretly want to broke back mountain each other.
19:50I just, I can't sleep uncomfortably.
19:52Sorry.
19:53I have an air mattress.
19:54Don't say it.
19:55Just don't say it.
19:57Please don't say it.
19:58Don't say it.
19:59And you know, the air mattress is actually more comfortable than your bed.
20:04You have to move out.
20:05Give me that.
20:06Take your shit and go.
20:09Should have fucked your sister when I had the opportunity.
20:16Oh, hello.
20:18Oh, it's good to see you.
20:22Stop it.
20:24If you want.
20:25Hi, make some noise.
20:26Who's got kids?
20:28Listen, now you know.
20:29You know when you're packing the kids, those kids will make friends and you know how it
20:33works.
20:33When those kids make friends, you, the parents, must then be friends with those kids' parents.
20:38That's how it works.
20:39You don't choose your own friends.
20:40Your kids now do it for you.
20:42That's how mum groups start.
20:43It's called the seventh circle of hell.
20:45Okay?
20:46And especially if your kids are like my kids, my kids have terrible taste in friends.
20:50They never pick the kids who has a hot tub or a pool at home.
20:53No.
20:54They become friends with the kids whose mum shows up at school in the little bike shorts
20:59with a pyjama shirt that still says Big Spoon on it.
21:03With no bra.
21:04Smoking at the school gate where it says, do not smoke.
21:08And then she's like, do you want a dart?
21:11No, I'm all right.
21:12And then when the kids start coming out, she's like, stay safe.
21:15Get in the fucking car.
21:18Honestly, the worst thing, like if you're sitting here, maybe you go, should we have kids?
21:22I want you to think about that.
21:23The friends that they'll make and all the other mums at school.
21:27Because at the minute, you look at your partner, you go, we will have the cutest little babies.
21:30But you're not thinking about all those other mums that you have to talk to at school.
21:34And that'll take all of your patience.
21:36And that's why mums always yell at their kids.
21:38Because they're saving the patience for the other mums.
21:41There's this one mum at my kids' school.
21:42She's this little bird-like creature.
21:44And she always wears a t-shirt.
21:46And on it, it says, protect your kids from the gay agenda.
21:49I know.
21:50And I'm so confused with this shit.
21:52Like, I don't even understand what is the gay agenda that you're scared we're spreading.
21:56Like, we're not the ones going door to door.
22:01You will never in your life hear a knock on your door and open the door and there's a whole
22:06clitoris of lesbians in front of your door.
22:11Have you heard the great news?
22:13You can eat pussy for six hours a night.
22:16We don't need to do that.
22:18Our work speaks for itself.
22:19It's called word of mouth.
22:26Street today.
22:34Hello, Janine.
22:36Afternoon.
22:37See you tomorrow.
22:44Have a great day, darling.
22:46Love you.
22:46Bye-bye.
22:47Mummy loves you.
22:47Have a good day, buddy.
22:52Hello, Janine.
22:53Hello, Ursula.
22:54What a nice day we're having.
22:57A bit too hot, actually.
23:03I'd go home.
23:04Enjoy the rest of this sunny day.
23:19Yeah.
23:22Hello, Ursula.
23:27Hello, Janine.
23:35Plans for the weekend?
23:40Kids' soccer game.
23:42You?
23:45Lunch with the in-laws.
23:56Bye-bye.
23:58Bye-bye.
24:10Bye-bye.
24:13Bye-bye.
24:14Bye-bye.
24:19Hi, ladies.
24:21Everything all right?
24:45It's so rude.
24:50At the end, I needed five skidges.
24:53You are crazy, Lucy.
24:55Me crazy? I don't think so.
24:57You should ask her what she does with the yogurt.
24:59Don't get me into this thing.
25:01All right, so when we have the yogurt, I peel the lid off and I always like the yogurt
25:04because, you know, it's my yogurt.
25:06You're such a weirdo.
25:07Okay, guys, if we're sharing our weird thing, I actually collect stuffed teddy bears.
25:12Okay, that's crazy.
25:13You're nuts. You're nuts.
25:14I speak to our cat like she's our daughter.
25:17All right, cuckoo, Magoo.
25:20I shit in the shower.
25:22What?
25:24What did you say?
25:26I sometimes eat cereal for dinner, yeah.
25:30Yeah, and sometimes I have pasta for breakfast.
25:33That is wild.
25:34I occasionally talk to my food.
25:36I say, get in me, get in me.
25:38She does do that. It's so cute.
25:40Yeah, I poo in the shower.
25:44Yeah, no, I definitely heard that one.
25:46Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
25:48Look, we're all saying the crazy stuff we do.
25:51I mean, Lucy, she sings songs about her house chores.
25:56I do do that. I do. Don't I?
25:58Yeah, and, you know, I make up little dances in the lounge.
26:01That's it.
26:02And I go in the shower and waffle stomp it down the drain.
26:05Is it waffle what now?
26:06Waffle stomp.
26:07If it's a hard one, I just stomp it through.
26:09Dude!
26:10That's not the same as our stuff.
26:12Ours are, like, weird and fun.
26:13Yeah, like I used to have a nipple ring.
26:15And I put strawberries up my bum.
26:17Oh, my God.
26:18Why?
26:18Because it makes the shower smell good while I'm waffle stomping.
26:22That is disgusting.
26:23It's the same.
26:24It is not the same thing.
26:26Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.
26:28I'm a classic kook.
26:30Hey, I'm a kook.
26:31No, no, no.
26:32We are classic kooks.
26:34You're cooked, mate.
26:35How did you not get bullied for this in high school?
26:37I was homeschooled, so I...
26:38Oh, okay, that actually checks out.
26:41It's a homeschool thing.
26:42Did you know I was homeschooled as well?
26:43Really? So you...
26:45Waffle stomped?
26:46Yeah.
26:46No way, we wouldn't have done that.
26:47That is disgusting.
26:49We called it bubble and squeak.
26:52That's cute.
26:53That's cute.
26:53That's nice.
26:54How come it's cute when she says it?
26:56Shut up, you weirdo.
26:59Also, we are not playing hide and seek after this.
27:01I don't know what you're going to hide where.
27:03Give me that straw.
27:05You know when you go visit your parents, right?
27:07And your mum's just cooking and you're sitting with your dad
27:09and, you know, he's asking you to help with a computer
27:12and then you're like, yeah, all right.
27:13And then your mum pops her head out and she goes,
27:15hey, can you have a look at why the computer keeps...
27:18There's no history.
27:19Every time when I try to go back to my history
27:22and you just look at your dad and you go,
27:23you filthy bastard.
27:26But you're also proud that he knows how to wipe the history
27:29so you don't have to do it?
27:36Good morning.
27:38Welcome to Computer Literacy for Seniors.
27:40I see you all have your laptops and iPad and whatever that is.
27:45So, you're going to have a little crash course.
27:47Four weeks.
27:48And after that four weeks,
27:49you're going to be able to email your grandchildren,
27:51message your friends.
27:52Can I get a hell yeah?
27:55Okay.
27:55How about we just open our computers?
27:58Oh, question.
27:59Graham, what is it?
28:00How do you delete Google history?
28:02That's a great question.
28:03We're going to tackle that in week three
28:05when we do online literacy.
28:07But for today, we're going to focus on Microsoft Windows.
28:10Oh, yeah.
28:11I'd like to know how to delete Yahoo history.
28:16And once we've done that,
28:17how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?
28:20All of that is basically the same thing.
28:22It is cookie history,
28:23the same as computer history.
28:25What's this about incognito mode I keep hearing about?
28:29Oh, okay.
28:31Just so I know,
28:32who's only here to find out how to delete the porn off their computers?
28:38Wow.
28:39So, you guys only use your computers for porn?
28:41No.
28:43I'm also a sugar daddy.
28:45Oh, me too.
28:47I use OnlyFans.
28:49Wow.
28:50I'm only gross now.
28:51That is, that is a lot.
28:53I mean, I was going to teach you how to email your grandkids
28:55and message your wives.
28:57But because of you perverts,
28:58I now have to go through this trauma.
28:59I will show you one time,
29:01and one time only,
29:02how to delete your search history.
29:04This is groom.
29:05Okay.
29:05Open your searches.
29:07Click on that so we can see what you've,
29:09whoa, okay.
29:10Yeah.
29:11I mean, that's, that's bad.
29:13Big boobs, bigger boobs,
29:14more boobs, please.
29:16That sounds nice.
29:18Well, please, he uses his manners.
29:20Savaged maiden,
29:22the biggest bottom ever.
29:23You crotch.
29:25All right, simmer down over there, Lenovo.
29:27I'm sure you've got way worse on your computer.
29:29Ah, your computer sucks.
29:31Hey, chill.
29:33You've got a TCL.
29:34That stands for the crappy lappy.
29:35Zip it.
29:36All right, let me show you how to delete it.
29:38See there, just under see all,
29:40and then it says delete all.
29:41Delete it.
29:42There you go.
29:43It's gone.
29:43It's like it never happened.
29:45Let's cover actual computer stuff, shall we?
29:47Okay, so word processors work.
29:51Who's printing?
29:52Is that you?
29:56This is gross misuse of a printer.
29:59This is disgusting.
30:00You've got to want to eliminate that before you use it.
30:04That is too much.
30:05I quit.
30:06I'm going to go,
30:07unless any of you have actual questions about computers.
30:11Yes.
30:11Who directed two girls in a cup?
30:14I'm going to leave.
30:15I cannot cope.
30:16Is this a buck plug?
30:21Some of the stuff I've bought online, I'm proud of.
30:23Like, I bought one of those little car vacuums
30:25that can blow and suck like your sister.
30:27And that thing's amazing.
30:30Can definitely recommend.
30:31But then, there's stuff, you know,
30:34three o'clock in the morning
30:36that when you buy it,
30:37they promise they won't put any details
30:39on your credit card statement
30:41and it'll show up in a blank box at your house.
30:44Like, I just recently bought a flashlight.
30:50Some of you don't know what that is
30:51because you're a pure heart
30:54and I'm not going to explain it to you
30:56because this is on ABC.
30:58You're going to have to do the adult thing
31:00and go Google it.
31:01All I'm saying is,
31:03I use it all the time, you know.
31:04Because, you know,
31:05after adult time,
31:06you have the toys
31:08and you need like a little holster,
31:10if you will.
31:11Or a little sheath
31:13so that when you're done,
31:14where can you put it
31:15that it fits perfect?
31:16But a flashlight, you know.
31:18It fits so perfect.
31:20Even Jesus goes,
31:21that's what I meant for it to look like.
31:25When you pass away,
31:26it is your responsibility
31:27to get a friend
31:29that can go in
31:30and go clear out all your crap
31:31out of your house.
31:33You don't need your family
31:34to find that stuff.
31:36When your mum
31:37has to go in
31:38and go clean that stuff,
31:39that's going to shave
31:40a lot of her sadness off.
31:42When she has to find
31:44all of the filth
31:45that you have
31:45in your room.
31:47A big part of me, though,
31:48hope that I die
31:49before my sister
31:50so that she
31:51and her Christian heart
31:52can find the stuff
31:55and at least die one day
31:57with a smile on her face.
32:04I'm afraid she's gone.
32:13Team, it's go time.
32:14Client 114 just passed away.
32:15She's one of our longest,
32:16most premium clients.
32:17I personally signed her up
32:18and she was a good woman
32:19with a few quirks.
32:21T-minus 12 minutes
32:21until her family get home.
32:22We need to clear out
32:23all the embarrassing shit
32:24before her family finds it.
32:27It's too tight, boss.
32:28We'll never make it.
32:29Take this one for her
32:30and for me.
32:31We're the reason
32:31people remember
32:32their loved ones
32:33as good people.
32:33We have to make it.
32:34Let's go!
32:38Go down!
32:40Go down!
32:50Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:51Dispose!
32:54The final bucket
32:55is secured.
32:55Let's move out.
32:56Nodier,
32:57I've just decrypted
32:57a fresh manifest
32:58with more items
32:59she didn't want anyone
33:00to know about.
33:01How many?
33:01There's a lot.
33:03She was a sick bitch.
33:14Oh, that's disgusting.
33:16What is it?
33:17Poetry.
33:18Self-written.
33:20Burn it immediately.
33:21What a freak.
33:22They're nearly here.
33:23T-minus 2 minutes.
33:25Let's move.
33:40She's getting sicker
33:41and sicker
33:41by the minute.
33:42Time is running out.
33:43Let's go!
33:44Let's go!
33:46Have you cleared this room?
33:48I think so.
33:49Check behind that door.
33:51Out the door,
33:51you dipshit.
33:56Oh, Gimp.
33:58How'd I miss that?
33:58All good.
33:59You're new.
34:00Get out of here, Gimp.
34:02God, it makes me
34:03miss my day.
34:04They're here!
34:05They're here!
34:06Move out, team!
34:11I think we got it all, boss.
34:12What about the sex robot?
34:13The manifest says
34:14there's a sex robot.
34:15There is no sex robot.
34:16We've got everything.
34:18Accept.
34:19Oh, my God.
34:20She was at the
34:21Wuhan wet market in 2019.
34:23She started COVID.
34:25Go, team!
34:26Move, move, move!
34:35That was tight,
34:36but we pulled it off.
34:37Excellent work, team.
34:41Excellent work, team.
34:46I have to tell you this,
34:47little nugget.
34:49The last time I went
34:50to the doctor for a smear,
34:51they gave me a thing
34:52and I was like,
34:52okay.
34:53And they go,
34:54you can go in
34:54cubicle three.
34:55I go,
34:56are you coming?
34:58Now, I feel like
34:58I'm taunting the nurse.
35:00I'm like,
35:00do you want to come?
35:01And they go,
35:02no, it's a self-test.
35:03You get a self-test now.
35:04I'm like,
35:05listen,
35:06listen,
35:07I'm not ready for that.
35:10You look,
35:10see me at the self-checkout
35:11in the supermarket.
35:12Oh, it's such a stressful thing
35:14when they always go,
35:14use the self-checkout.
35:16Do I have to?
35:17Because I'm not smart
35:18for that kind of shit.
35:19You go,
35:20and then it goes,
35:21wait for assistance.
35:21I'm like,
35:22why?
35:22What did I do?
35:24I'm so scared
35:25because you know
35:26that teenager
35:26and they're always so angry.
35:28They come out
35:28and they go,
35:29you're not doing it right.
35:30And I go,
35:30listen,
35:31I'm sorry.
35:32I wasn't here
35:33when we got training.
35:36No wonder I'm so tired.
35:37I work this fucking job too.
35:41So I don't think
35:42I should be trusted
35:42with a self-check
35:43for a smear.
35:45You know,
35:46now I'm just in there.
35:46I'm not sure what to do.
35:48And they go,
35:49honestly,
35:53when they gave me that test,
35:55I said,
35:55doctor,
35:55have you ever seen me
35:56in the supermarket?
35:57I don't do self-serve.
36:00And it's not our fault.
36:02Women are bad at direction.
36:03It's not our fault.
36:04Do you know what?
36:05They've done studies,
36:06and when I say they,
36:07I mean me,
36:07that a woman
36:08will spend on average
36:10about 12 years
36:11of her adult life
36:12in a bathroom
36:13looking at a panty liner
36:14going,
36:15which way is the front?
36:17Honestly,
36:18you'd think
36:18they can sort it out.
36:19They can make
36:20dudes' dicks
36:20harder than algebra,
36:21but they can't fix
36:22our panty liners.
36:28We did it, boys.
36:29Woo!
36:31And it's got everything
36:32a woman could want.
36:33Little gutter lines
36:34for extra absorbency.
36:35Oh, my bro's got to
36:35slow that flow for the hose.
36:37It's got extra strong glue,
36:39so it's going to stick
36:40to them sweet little panties
36:41all day long.
36:44And most importantly,
36:44a look on the back.
36:45Sick animal trivia.
36:48Straight up fat, baby.
36:50Yeah.
36:52Which side's the front?
36:54The front?
36:55What?
36:56Which side is the front?
36:57I can't tell
36:57which side's the front.
36:59Which is the...
36:59Yeah.
37:01Did you see
37:02the facts on the back?
37:03Yeah.
37:04No one wants that.
37:05Come on.
37:05All right.
37:06Yeah.
37:06Okay.
37:07Yeah.
37:07There you go.
37:08S.
37:11Boom.
37:12Yeah, but F.
37:13For front or for fanny?
37:15Because depending
37:15on which country you're in,
37:17that could be front bump
37:18or back bump.
37:18Doesn't matter.
37:19Doesn't matter.
37:19It'll fit either way.
37:20Oh, okay.
37:22No, you three seem
37:23to know your way
37:23around a pussy.
37:25Let me give it a hoon.
37:26Let me try it.
37:27No, no.
37:28Hey.
37:28Don't you turn your back
37:29on me.
37:30You look at it.
37:31Look at it!
37:33Oh.
37:35Oh, yeah.
37:36Oh, yeah.
37:38The glue's too strong
37:39and just ripped
37:39the gusset right out of it.
37:40That's got to be
37:41on you to a certain degree.
37:43Let's just...
37:44Oh, yeah.
37:45That's already
37:46ripped off
37:46about 50 pubes there.
37:50Oh, that is not comfortable.
37:53It's just got my labia.
37:54It's pulling at the labia.
37:55It's not supposed to do that.
37:58Oh, she's out.
37:59She's out.
38:00Terrible!
38:01Can you say something good?
38:02Like, we worked on this
38:03really hard.
38:03I wish I could,
38:05but I just have nothing
38:05because you're dumb as shit.
38:07Dumb as shit?
38:08If we're so dumb,
38:09how could we be
38:11revolutionising
38:11the women's razor?
38:13Check this out.
38:13Less blades,
38:15pretty blunt,
38:16but a soft pink handle.
38:18Yeah, because women
38:18don't have hair,
38:20so we made the blades
38:22unsharp.
38:23Unsharp.
38:24Don't speak again.
38:25Okay.
38:26Well, what about
38:27lady pants?
38:28Check out the lady pants.
38:30What about them?
38:31Well, they're exactly
38:31like men's pants,
38:32but they don't have pockets.
38:33Yeah.
38:34But we want pockets.
38:35Well, easily fixed.
38:36We'll just sew some patches on.
38:37Yeah.
38:38Make it look like
38:38it's got pockets.
38:39Yes!
38:40This is bullshit.
38:41Do you morons
38:41actually believe
38:42that if you keep making
38:43the shit that doesn't work,
38:44but you package it
38:45all nicely in pink
38:46with soft little handles,
38:47that women will keep
38:48buying it
38:49even though it doesn't work?
38:51Now she gets it.
38:51Yeah, that's like it.
38:55Good point,
38:55and we do like the trivia.
38:58Damn it.
39:00You knew it, man.
39:01It's one loves trivia.
39:03That's going to leave a mark.
39:04So what's next, fellas?
39:06Let's try and make
39:07childbirth quieter.
39:11This is why we brainstormed.
39:13Is it made to
39:14circumcise a woman?
39:15Because I think it just did.
39:18Well, well, well,
39:19I think what we've learned
39:20tonight is
39:21female products
39:22aren't that great,
39:23but on the positive side,
39:24my ass looks amazing
39:26in overalls.
39:27I mean, Jesus Christ.
39:29Look at that.
39:30Why don't you ever
39:31hear that
39:31while I walk off stage
39:32with my brand new
39:33panty liner in?
39:45I'm going to punch
39:47your tits in.
39:48What?
39:49I'm going to punch
39:50your tits in.
39:52Punch my tits in?
39:54That's not a good thread
39:55at all.
39:56What does that mean?
39:57Punch them in where?
39:58There's already a lot in.
39:59Like, this whole bit
40:00is in.
40:01Maybe she means
40:02she'll punch them
40:03in even further?
40:04So they're poking
40:05through my back?
40:06Is that it?
40:08That thread makes no sense.
40:09Are you not listening?
40:10I'm going to punch
40:10your tits in.
40:11I need a thread
40:12that makes sense.
40:12Like, I'm going to
40:13smack you so hard
40:14you'll wear your
40:14snot like a scarf.
40:16That's good.
40:17Right?
40:17Snot like a scarf?
40:18You're picturing it.
40:19I'm sorry.
40:20I get it.
40:20Oh, thank you.
40:21I'm really sorry about that.
40:22Pick your shit up.
40:23I'm sorry.
40:23Thanks, mate.
40:24You have a good one.
40:26You know, I don't know
40:27a lot of stuff,
40:27but I know I don't like
40:28exercise, and then I've
40:29baked my last cupcake
40:30for school.
40:31Like, I would still
40:32recreationally bake a
40:33cupcake, but schools
40:34and fundraisers,
40:36by March this year,
40:37so the school starts
40:37in February.
40:38By March, we already
40:39had three bake sales
40:40at our school.
40:40I went to the principal.
40:41I said, sorry,
40:42what shit is this?
40:43What are we fundraising
40:44for?
40:45Why do we keep doing
40:45bake sales?
40:46And she goes,
40:47oh, we need a shade net
40:48for the playground.
40:49I said, and how much
40:50money are you hoping
40:50to make?
40:51She goes, $300.
40:52I go, I'll give
40:52the money right now.
40:54I said, I can go buy
40:56the shade net.
40:57I'll come back with
40:58a ladder.
40:58I've got to try.
40:59I'll just put it up.
41:00And she goes, no,
41:02we must work together.
41:04And it's not even
41:05the fundraising that
41:06I'm against.
41:07It's when you find out
41:09about those cupcakes.
41:10Now, I'll give my kids,
41:11my kids credit.
41:12Like, normally the
41:13night before,
41:14at about 11 o'clock
41:15when I've been trying
41:16to put that little
41:16shithead in bed,
41:17so many times I put
41:18them there and they
41:19come, I'm thirsty.
41:20I'm hungry.
41:21I have made a lasagna
41:22at this stage.
41:23And this kid keeps
41:25getting out of bed
41:25and by 11 o'clock
41:26comes out with a piece
41:27of paper that's all
41:28tatty and it's wet.
41:30It's always wet.
41:31Anything that comes
41:31out of their school bag
41:32is wet.
41:33This is the instructions
41:34for the cupcakes.
41:35Oh, you need 300 cupcakes
41:36by morning.
41:37This is fantastic.
41:38I don't even mind
41:39making the 300 cupcakes,
41:40but how do you transport
41:41300 cupcakes?
41:42Because you can't stack them,
41:43can you?
41:44No.
41:44Now I'm looking for a
41:45Tupperware that's 12 metres
41:46or 8 metres wide
41:48and a car to transport
41:49that kind of shit.
41:51You flip that pamphlet
41:52over and on the back
41:53there's roughly 20 things
41:54that you're not allowed
41:55to put in the cupcakes.
41:56That's right,
41:57because these little shits
41:58are allergic to everything
41:59now.
42:00There are kids who's
42:01allergic to chocolate.
42:02Give up.
42:04That's it.
42:04Give up.
42:05There's no hope for you.
42:06And it's not these kids'
42:08fault that they have
42:08all these allergies.
42:09It's our fault.
42:10Do you remember
42:10when you were a kid,
42:11who had kids that went
42:13to school with them
42:13with allergies?
42:14Exactly.
42:15Do you know why?
42:16Because our parents
42:17knew how to fuck.
42:21They made decent
42:22human beings.
42:23It's our fault.
42:24We're making
42:25substandard people.
42:27None of these kids
42:28can eat nuts
42:29because we've been
42:30eating so much crap
42:31when we were kids
42:32your fingers were
42:32always orange.
42:33Do you remember
42:33the chips we used
42:34to eat and them
42:35for three days
42:35you just have
42:36orange hands?
42:37And now we all
42:38have fertility issues
42:39so now we all
42:40have to go through IVF.
42:41That's why these kids
42:42are allergic to nuts
42:42because they've never
42:43been near a pair.
42:50Nut-free, gluten-free,
42:51sugar-free.
42:52Yuck.
42:53This isn't sweet at all.
42:54I think you'll find
42:55it is sweet.
42:56Sweet potato, that is.
42:58Okay.
42:59Sorry, do you have
43:00anything with
43:01real sugar in it?
43:02No.
43:03Sugar is poison.
43:04No nuts,
43:04no gluten,
43:05no sugar.
43:07No taste.
43:10You want the real
43:10sugar treats?
43:11Come on.
43:12Cooks when cooking.
43:15Gluten-free,
43:15it's over here.
43:19Welcome to the
43:19tuck shop.
43:20Oh, nice set up.
43:27I've been blackmailing
43:28the janitor with photos
43:29of him and the
43:30home ec teacher.
43:30So I got keys
43:31to the kingdom.
43:32Thank you, my friend.
43:33Hey ladies,
43:34are we still running
43:34at full purity?
43:3695% sucrose, boss.
43:37Love to hear it.
43:38Love to hear it.
43:39Good stuff.
43:40It's tight, mate.
43:41You know, in here,
43:41this is where we make
43:42the canteen food.
43:43Out there,
43:43they've got carrot sticks
43:45and quinoa slices.
43:46Up in here,
43:47you see we've got
43:47the sours here.
43:48We've got some marshmallows,
43:49full sugar popcorn.
43:50The snakes,
43:51jelly beans,
43:52rainbow strips
43:52because we're pro-homosexual.
43:54We have caramel vanilla.
43:56Every flavour you can think of,
43:57we've got it in there.
43:58This is incredible.
44:01Whoa.
44:01Hey,
44:02hey rookie,
44:02you want to go ahead
44:03and pace yourself here.
44:04This stuff is pure.
44:05That thing's going to hit you
44:06and before you know it,
44:07you're going to be
44:07bouncing off the walls
44:08like you're at your
44:09year nine camp,
44:10getting finger banged
44:11for the first time.
44:12Hey, that happened
44:12in year eight.
44:13Hold on.
44:14What are these?
44:19Do you inject these?
44:20No.
44:23Play a little tune on them.
44:34I'm like the Pied Piper
44:35for sugar addicts.
44:36How'd you get those in?
44:37Actually,
44:38Lynn here
44:38brought 14 of these boxes
44:40over for us
44:40in her anal cavity.
44:41That tastes about gaming
44:42till you lick them
44:43a few times
44:43and they're all good.
44:44Oh, yeah, on the nose.
44:45Yeah, I can see a seed
44:46on that one, Lynn.
44:46She's a trooper.
44:47I do actually want
44:48to talk to you
44:49about something
44:49because I can see
44:50a lot of myself in you
44:51and I need someone
44:52to run the operation
44:53over at Boy Scout Hall
44:54and I think that can be you.
44:56Tell me you can do it.
44:58Yeah.
44:59Yeah?
44:59You keen?
45:00Yes!
45:01Yes!
45:03This is a raid.
45:05Nobody move.
45:06You sec'd me up.
45:07I didn't.
45:08You did.
45:09You sec'd me up.
45:10I did not.
45:11Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
45:13Lynn.
45:15What have you done?
45:16Oh, my name's not Lynn.
45:19It's Glenn.
45:21How could I have been so blind?
45:2395% sucrose, huh?
45:25Mind if I did the tip?
45:27I wouldn't.
45:29Oh, is that chemicals?
45:31Yeah, it's real drugs.
45:32It was a mix-up at the port.
45:34Oh, that's disgusting.
45:35Oh, I've got to pick up
45:36Abigail from gymnastics.
45:37Get her out of here!
45:38Well, you're cooked, sweetie.
45:40You're on drugs now!
45:41I've got a whole brick
45:42in my asshole!
45:45But you shouldn't worry
45:46about your nipples.
45:46She's got great nipples.
45:47Oh, really?
45:48Yes.
45:48Play your cards right
45:49and you'll see.
45:50I'm being rude.
45:52That was fun.
45:53Yeah, so good.
45:54Yeah.
45:54More fun to see.
45:55You'll be on the point.
45:56I can't believe
45:57I'm going out with two women.
45:58It's always been a fantasy.
45:59We've always wanted
46:00a man around here.
46:01Question.
46:02If you two are into women,
46:04what do you need me for?
46:05There is a certain thing
46:07that a man can do
46:08that no woman can.
46:09You ready to work for us,
46:10big boy?
46:10Ladies,
46:11I'll do anything
46:11you want me to do.
46:13Amazing.
46:13Oh, come on.
46:16Open it.
46:17Yeah.
46:17Just open the jacket.
46:19Open it.
46:20Oh, yes!
46:22Oh, what about this one?
46:23That's that one.
46:24It was open,
46:24but now I can't get it open again.
46:27Ow.
46:27Jan.
46:28Is this S&M?
46:29It's pickles.
46:31Pickled onion.
46:32I need a rest.
46:33Come on,
46:34you're doing a really good job.
46:35Oh, yeah!
46:36I told you.
46:36I knew that would get out.
46:38Orange marmalade.
46:39Open!
46:40Open!
46:41Fill my knuckles
46:41from without touching.
46:43Hello?
46:45Oh, see that?
46:46I'm exhausted.
46:47You're okay?
46:48Ladies, please.
46:50Do we have some more time?
46:52I've had enough.
46:53I'm exhausted.
46:53I need a rest.
46:54This is the last one.
46:56Fast one.
46:57Mm-hmm.
46:58Mm-hmm.
46:58This is it.
46:59This is the one.
47:00You can do it.
47:00Come on!
47:01Look at it.
47:02Shoot that hot load.
47:03Come on!
47:04Come on!
47:08Yes!
47:10Oh!
47:11Incredible.
47:12Look at you.
47:13Oh, my God.
47:13Good job.
47:14Look at this.
47:15Oh, my God.
47:15Was that good for you?
47:16No, it was really good.
47:17It was something.
47:17I loved it.
47:18Can I pass the Pomodoro?
47:19Yeah.
47:19I'll make a rocket salad.
47:20It was yummy.
47:21I can't believe how long I took him.
47:24Oh, look at the little guys all tuck it out.
47:27Oh, so cute.
47:28So cute.
47:29No, no, no.
47:30Leave it.
47:31You can take it out when it wakes up.
47:35Look, we're all here.
47:37We believe in science, right?
47:38Even if you're one of those people who do your own research,
47:40you're a scientist.
47:41Whatever.
47:41Fine.
47:42I do believe, though,
47:43that science sort of favours men's medicine
47:46a little bit stronger.
47:47Wouldn't you say?
47:48Yeah.
47:48Yeah.
47:49And they're not too scared to answer.
47:50I respect that.
47:52Make some noise.
47:52If you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.
47:56Yeah.
47:57Mastitis, if you don't know,
47:58is a condition when you're breastfeeding,
48:00your tits get so hard.
48:01Harder than dating in your 50s.
48:03They are hot.
48:04They are inflamed.
48:05It is so painful.
48:06You just walk around naked around the house like this.
48:09I don't know why your balls are sore, too,
48:10but there you go.
48:12You remove all the curtains in the house
48:14just in case a breeze comes and touches that tit.
48:16It is so painful.
48:17And do you know what a doctor will tell you?
48:19A medical professional with a certificate on the wall
48:22will look, you straighten the eye and go,
48:24here, just pop some cabbage leaves on that.
48:28Sorry, what?
48:30You don't have leeches in a fridge here?
48:32Somewhere you can tuck on a tattoo and suck it out?
48:34No, I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls,
48:39like if your balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right,
48:43a man will just walk out into the middle of town square
48:46and there will be some war cry like,
48:51and all the town smoke will convene,
48:54we'll all stand around this man
48:55and the Pope would come and do some seance on your balls
48:58and bam, you're healed!
49:00Meanwhile, all the women are standing around
49:02smelling like a cabbage patch.
49:05Yeah, I see.
49:06Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Heterosexuale.
49:09How can I help you two cuties today?
49:13You go first.
49:14No, you go first.
49:14I actually haven't been feeling too good.
49:16I have a cough and lightheadedness and some chills.
49:21Sounds like you've got that really bad flu
49:23that's going around at the moment.
49:25I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics for you.
49:27Okay.
49:28And rest.
49:29That's the most important part here.
49:31No house chores for six months.
49:34Okay, yeah.
49:35Don't you crack now.
49:36I won't, doctor.
49:37You're a life saver.
49:38Hi, sorry.
49:39I actually have the same symptoms.
49:41Headaches, chills, and the works.
49:46Okay, well, shall we have a look at how we can cure you?
49:50What?
49:51Here we go.
49:52What is that?
49:53This is the latest in women's health research.
49:56Oh, you see here, you can boil cabbage leaves
49:59and put those on your tatas and that'll make them feel great.
50:02Oh, okay.
50:03All right.
50:06You can take used coffee grinds
50:08and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity.
50:11Okay, maybe not that one.
50:12How about this one?
50:13You can shove a jade egg right up your...
50:15How's that going to help?
50:17Oh.
50:18Oh, I can see we're going to be fussy today.
50:20You're a bit of a fusspot.
50:21Maybe I should make you a special brew.
50:24A what?
50:24I've heard about this.
50:29Is that a witch's hat?
50:31It's a doctor's hat.
50:32That's respect.
50:33Fresh pot for the fusspot.
50:36Some rat tail.
50:38Feathers.
50:39I plucked this myself.
50:40That chicken never saw it coming.
50:41Oh, eyeballs!
50:43Yes, old eyeballs.
50:46Have you got anything else?
50:47Maybe your titties are sore.
50:48You got sore titties.
50:49Maybe you got some anxiety.
50:50I've actually been getting anxiety when I go on planes.
50:53Have you?
50:54I have.
50:54Hey, I want you to know that's completely normal.
50:57It is?
50:57Yes, I'm going to give you the strongest Valium that I can.
51:00It's just so good to be seen.
51:04Drink!
51:04No!
51:05Drink!
51:05No!
51:06I don't want this queer women's treatment.
51:08Just treat me like a normal patient.
51:11Okay.
51:12Well, from what I can see, carry a lot of extra weight.
51:16Yeah.
51:16You want to lose some of that.
51:18It's going to make you feel lighter.
51:20Also, have you tried smiling?
51:21It's an attitude thing.
51:22Could you try it?
51:28Don't you feel better?
51:29I feel better.
51:36All right, husbands.
51:38Eyes front.
51:39Welcome to Lesbians Guide to Being a Husband.
51:42You know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
51:46Love fish.
51:47Teach a man to lesbian and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days.
51:52Super hair!
51:53Oh, that's right.
51:54Don't throw me to my rules.
51:56Let me drown.
51:56Let me drown.
51:57That's weird.
51:58Okay.
51:59Lesson one.
52:01Attention to detail.
52:02Husband number one, I'm going to be your wife.
52:04And your dreams.
52:05And I'm wearing my straight lady cardigan.
52:08Oh, I'm feeling good now.
52:09I think I just broke a nail.
52:10Nail!
52:12I made Spamble again.
52:15What is wrong with my outfit?
52:16Oh, I know.
52:17There's nothing wrong.
52:18You look great, honey.
52:20Wrong.
52:21The tag was sticking out.
52:23The whole time.
52:24Boys!
52:27Cannot let your wife walk around the mall with four ex-elves sticking out of her cardigan.
52:31That is a divorceable offense.
52:33Egg.
52:33Lesson two.
52:35Argue like a girl.
52:37Husband number two.
52:38I am your wife.
52:38I'm coming to you with a situation.
52:41You ready?
52:42Put the toilet seat down!
52:44How many times do I need to tell you that, Toby?
52:45I'm sick of your shit!
52:47Now, how are you going to win that argument?
52:49Honey, I just realized it's your period tomorrow, and that is why you're upset.
52:54I'm going to give you full marks for courage.
52:57And double marks for stupidity.
52:59You play the period card.
53:01Your marriage is over.
53:03Lesson three.
53:04How to make your woman scream, but not in fear or disgust.
53:08Okay?
53:09Husband number three.
53:11Let's pretend I'm attracted to you to unseduce me.
53:18Hey, you want to get busy?
53:23Now, who wants to tell me what he did wrong, apart from everything?
53:27Wrong?
53:28Oh, I know.
53:29He undone his shirt buttons.
53:31He did?
53:31When he should have undone his pants.
53:34Yeah!
53:35Let the dick out!
53:36Can I just say, straight women are extremely brave.
53:40Honestly, boys, you want to fold your wife over?
53:42I do.
53:42You've got to fold the towel.
53:44Boom.
53:45Boom.
53:46Boom.
53:47Done.
53:47You try it.
53:48What is this wizardry?
53:49Fold it.
53:50Okay, sorry.
53:50Sorry.
53:51Can I help you?
53:51I'm just here to pick up my husband.
53:52Darren, we're late.
53:53Wait, wait, wait!
53:54Why don't you show your wife what you learn?
53:55Yeah.
53:57You've got to go on.
53:58You've got to go on.
53:59Uh, do it.
54:01Hey, honey.
54:03Your tag is hanging out.
54:05Is it?
54:06No.
54:07No, it's not.
54:08Darren?
54:08Oh, you must be on your period.
54:11Behind the walls.
54:11Darren.
54:12Check this out.
54:18What am I supposed to do with that, Darren?
54:21I'm afraid Darren's a lost cause.
54:23What?
54:24I, however, am fully house trained.
54:26And I've got a van out the front.
54:27Do you want to get out of here?
54:29Yeah, I do.
54:30Oh, wait.
54:31Say hi, Darren.
54:35She's good.
54:39Do you know, when I was young, I just assumed that drugs, rock and roll and wild sex would ruin
54:44my life.
54:44But it wasn't that at all.
54:46It's TikTok.
54:48TikTok is busy ruining my life.
54:50Simple things that you think you know how to do.
54:52Like, how to get the avocado separated from its skin.
54:55It's easy.
54:56You cut it open, take a spoon, slop it on a plate and you're done.
54:59But no.
55:00On TikTok, they do it different.
55:02They peel the outside off and then they cut it in half and they slice it and slices and they
55:06put it on a board like, have you seen that?
55:08But it looks sexy.
55:10And it's like, I'm going to do that.
55:13I didn't do that.
55:15Because I go and I get my avocado and I get home and I peel it and then there's all
55:19these black dots all over it.
55:21And I was like, oh no, my avocado is diseased.
55:24But it was not diseased, was it?
55:26No.
55:27It's people in my community who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado.
55:32All those black dots are people in my community's fingers.
55:35It just drove me nuts.
55:37Like, who would do that?
55:38Like, why are you squeezing anything?
55:40You're not a farmer.
55:41This may come as no big surprise, but I do have a therapist.
55:46I know.
55:47It's like when I meet someone who goes, I've never been to therapy.
55:49I go, red flag, you're a red flag.
55:52But I think my therapist might be a red flag because she bought me for Christmas a reflective vest.
56:00She bought me this reflective vest because she says, oh, you want to police?
56:04What other people do with their lives?
56:06So here, while I'm away for seven weeks in Europe, why don't you wear your little reflective vest and go
56:10police what other people are doing?
56:12I'm like, listen, first of all, fuck you.
56:17Secondly, she's real cheap, so I have to take some shit.
56:21I hope you go see her so frequently, you've got to get a budget-friendly one, you see.
56:26Secondly, I don't want to police what other people do.
56:29I don't.
56:29I want you to just be able to do your shit, do your part, but you don't.
56:34So now I do have to police what you do.
56:45We've got one.
56:46Tomato section.
56:47Suspect is male.
56:49Quite tall.
56:51Extremely unattractive to me.
56:56Strike one.
57:09Strike two.
57:11That was terrible.
57:13Stand by.
57:14We're going to take this sucker down.
57:15Come on.
57:24Come on, mate.
57:25You're inside it.
57:26It's my good.
57:28Hold your fire.
57:29We need a clean putback before we can arrest them.
57:33They've got him.
57:34Move, move, move.
57:36What the hell?
57:37What are you doing?
57:38Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
57:39Ow, ow, ow.
57:40I'm being attacked by the Dally Boys.
57:42Ow, ow.
57:42Get your toes away from my face, sir.
57:45Come and get these Dally Boys off me.
57:47What are you doing?
57:49Oh, you thought you could come in here in broad daylight and fondle fruit.
57:53My name is Ursula, Special Fruits Unit.
57:56We are charging you with fiddling in the third degree.
57:59It's not illegal to inspect fresh produce.
58:01Inspect?
58:01You fingered this one so much if it was a human being I wouldn't marry it.
58:04Why'd you just want to find a ripe avocado?
58:06Well, we all would love a ripe avocado,
58:08but now someone has to go home with your sloppy seconds.
58:10You can't arrest me.
58:11You don't know what I can do.
58:13What are you going to do?
58:16Oh, oh, oh.
58:17Oh, oh, oh.
58:19Yeah, yeah.
58:20Oh, oh, oh.
58:23Why?
58:24Oh, my God, you monster.
58:26Oh, gosh, he's fingering the ice cream.
58:29Yeah.
58:30I feel sick.
58:31You watch rabbit's face.
58:32You're going to watch this.
58:34Yeah.
58:34Oh, God.
58:35You're going to do it like that.
58:36You're going to do it like that.
58:37Now you get to go home with my sloppy seconds.
58:40Excuse me.
58:41Hang on.
58:41What is going on here?
58:42Oh, we found this jerk squishing produce.
58:45Well, if you contain the problem, don't thank me.
58:47You're welcome.
58:47I wasn't going to thank you.
58:49You don't work here.
58:50And I'm pretty upset by all this mess.
58:52Look at this mess.
58:53Damn it.
58:54Scatter.
58:55What?
58:56Dang it.
58:57Oh, door's the other way.
58:58Get by me.
58:59You could definitely get her.
59:00I'm going to have to reduce this now.
59:03All right.
59:04Well, that is the episode.
59:06Can I just say a word of warning?
59:08If you have a friend who recently had a baby, don't have cabbage salad at their house.
59:13Also, as you exit the building, there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer.
59:17My kid's school has a fundraiser, so we need a new cover for the sand pit.
59:22So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent.
59:25I made that myself.
59:26It is nut free.
59:27I didn't drop my nuts in the bed at once.
59:29Thank you so much for coming.
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