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Saturday Night Live UK S01E06 Aimee Lou Wood Meek NOW H 264
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00:00:03At this moment, somewhere over the Atlantic.
00:00:15Oh, Charles.
00:00:17Charles, you did such a smashing job with your speech to Congress.
00:00:21After that, there's no way Donald Trump will do anything weird or bad ever again.
00:00:28Mission accomplished, Camilla.
00:00:30Still, I'm glad to be heading home.
00:00:34I just hate being in any country where my mummy's not on the money.
00:00:39Come on now, Charles.
00:00:40America's not so bad.
00:00:42They've got hot dogs, Reese's Pieces, and best of all, legal weed gummies.
00:00:49Don't tell anybody, but I'm sneaking some through customs in my tummy.
00:00:55You miller, you minx.
00:01:00Ladies and gentlemen, the in-flight meal is about to be served.
00:01:03Please return your seats to their upright position.
00:01:05Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?
00:01:08Could we possibly have a bit of itch?
00:01:10We don't do that.
00:01:14Good afternoon, passengers.
00:01:16This is your captain speaking.
00:01:18We're currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet.
00:01:20Time in the UK is 10.02pm.
00:01:23And we're turning around and going all the way back to America.
00:01:26Did you hear that, hubby?
00:01:28They're turning the plane around!
00:01:30What the devil?
00:01:31Captain, I demand this plane return to Britain!
00:01:35I'm afraid I can't do that, Your Majesty.
00:01:39Because, you see...
00:01:42It's me!
00:01:45Sir Keir Starmer!
00:01:54Sir Keir, what in the blazes are you doing here?
00:01:58Unless I'm very much mistaken, Your Majesty.
00:02:01I've hijacked the royal plane.
00:02:03Sir Keir, land this plane at once!
00:02:07No can do, Queenie.
00:02:09You see, I was dusting off some of my old legal textbooks,
00:02:13and I came across a rather intriguing statute.
00:02:16Did you know that a Prime Minister cannot be removed
00:02:19while the monarch is out of the country?
00:02:26So you thought you'd save your premiership with this dastardly plan?
00:02:30What other choice did I have?
00:02:32Doing a good job?
00:02:34Ha!
00:02:35Grow up!
00:02:38Sir Keir, I commend you by order of the King...
00:02:41The King of what, Charles?
00:02:43The King of the Clouds?
00:02:47You have no power up here!
00:02:50So long as we keep circling the skies, I keep being Prime Minister!
00:02:59Hey, Sir Keir!
00:03:00Yeah, I've got a question.
00:03:02Chicken or fist?
00:03:09Her name's flight attendant, but why?
00:03:12Because I do have the name, Your Majesty.
00:03:15You see, it's me...
00:03:19Angela Rayner!
00:03:31I'm taking us home, because I've been looking through some old legal textbooks,
00:03:36and I've realised if you're not in the country,
00:03:39then I can't do...
00:03:41this thing I'm planning.
00:03:45Hey, Rayner, please return your body to the downright position!
00:03:51I'm not letting this plane get back to Britain, because you see, it's me!
00:03:55Tsk, tsk, tsk!
00:03:59Poor Selby!
00:04:05Are we supposed to know who that is?
00:04:08Not at all.
00:04:10I'm not famous.
00:04:11I'm the one member of the British public who loves Keir Starmer.
00:04:15That's right, I was indoctrinated online by the radical centre-left,
00:04:18and now, I'm in charge of this plane,
00:04:21and nothing, and nothing...
00:04:27I knew there was something fishy about that chap.
00:04:30That's why, right after take-off,
00:04:32I secretly slipped in 47 of your weed gummies, darling.
00:04:36Oh, Charles!
00:04:37Like I've always said,
00:04:39you come for the king, you best not miss.
00:04:44Now, baby, get in the cockpit and take the plane home,
00:04:48because...
00:04:49Live on London, it's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:01It's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:07With...
00:05:10London's animation!
00:05:11Michelle!
00:05:17Ayawade Bamboye!
00:05:23Larry Dean!
00:05:31Celeste Spring!
00:05:35George Moreacres!
00:05:41Andrea Magliano
00:05:47Annabelle Marlowe
00:05:53Al Nash
00:05:58Jack Sheff
00:06:04Emma Sidney
00:06:12Maddie Yard
00:06:18Musical guest, Me
00:06:25And your host, Amy Lewis
00:06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Lewis
00:06:58Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Amy Lee Warden. I'm so excited to be hosting SNL UK and I
00:07:09am the first Northern host.
00:07:13Shout out to the Stockport Hat Museum. Yes!
00:07:19Seriously, it is a huge honour to be here tonight. You might know me from Sex Education. The show that
00:07:27took the shame out of getting freaky. Or perhaps you know me from The White Lotus. The show where a
00:07:32guy wanks off his brother and puts the shame right back in there.
00:07:39But this is the first time I've ever stood on live television as myself. And honestly, I have been having
00:07:46stress dreams about this moment. Where I come out and just start talking gibberish.
00:07:50But thankfully, I libied there Jub's barnacles going to see beyond the floor in mid barman Mundeo.
00:07:57Phew!
00:08:00Nailed it!
00:08:04Talking of powerful women making interesting noises, the writers have been asking me all week, Amy, what do you want
00:08:10to say in your monologue? And after a lot of long, hard thinking, the answer was simple. I want to
00:08:16scat.
00:08:17Like Kim Cattrall in that YouTube video.
00:08:21Like Kim Cattrall in that YouTube video.
00:08:25Yama Kippie Ebo, Seda Reba Kebo, Indar Glatendee Quoth, Yajay, Savasaray!
00:08:39And I am aware that not everyone will get that reference. But I guarantee the five people that did will
00:08:45nominate me for the BAFTA P&O Cruises TV moment of the year!
00:08:51It's very nice to show a different side of myself though, because ever since I got famous, all I ever
00:08:56hear is how relatable I am. How bubbly I am.
00:09:01But I'm here tonight to put those vicious rumours to rest. Because you know what? I'm a freak.
00:09:09No, I am. I'm a weird lady. The only thing bubbly about me is my IBS.
00:09:20I'm a Scorpio moon, for God's sake. OK? I once got a reading from an astrologer and she said, sorry.
00:09:31That's how intense my birth chart is. No, seriously, I'm genuinely tapped into something other.
00:09:38It's not just horoscopes and auras. I'm also mixing with the spiritual realm all the time.
00:09:43For instance, this is going to sound very cocky, but in a past life, I was Derek Jarman, the British
00:09:49artist.
00:09:49And that's true because it came up in a regression. Right? It's fact.
00:09:53And in fact, I can tell anyone what they were in a past life. OK? So I'm going to do
00:09:58it now. Right now.
00:09:59So, we've got dog, dog, dog, dog. Ooh, you were the Pope. Well done.
00:10:08Dog, dog, and ooh, hello. OK, yes, you.
00:10:17You were Pablo Escobar. Bit of a bad boy, huh? I also carry crystals about like this one.
00:10:26I make sure I always have it in my bra when I'm flying. It protects me as long as the
00:10:30plane doesn't crash.
00:10:33Look, I know I may sound just like that fun Mancunian girl you lived in uni halls with.
00:10:40Or your cousin's super sweet partner with the job you can't quite remember.
00:10:45But I, Amy Lou Wood, I'm a certified card-carrying goddamn weirdo.
00:10:51And don't you forget it!
00:11:05We've got a great show coming up for you tonight, including music from Meek.
00:11:09So stick around and watch this!
00:11:18She's the kind of girl who you and your life
00:11:21Flip your world upside down
00:11:24You can't get her out of your mind
00:11:30Here's why
00:11:32Sing it, my guy
00:11:33Yeah, she's dangerous, all right
00:11:37But not just cause she's hot, she's also got really poor head like
00:11:43Coordination
00:11:44She's crazy clumsy, a gazelle on ice
00:11:50Scooted the wrong way in a bike lane
00:11:54Blind someone elderly when she pops that shit
00:11:58Watching her undress is its own kinda insane
00:12:02Headless horse machete
00:12:04A one-woman hurricane
00:12:07Dangerous
00:12:08Ow
00:12:10I had to take her out, now she's taking me out
00:12:15Dangerous
00:12:16Baby, that hurt
00:12:17Watch out
00:12:18She'll have you up on that baby
00:12:20Waiting round in A&E
00:12:22Dangerous
00:12:24I try to keep things within safe limits
00:12:28It's a blow to my pride
00:12:30But now I wear a full-time helmet
00:12:34And my clothes had no shit
00:12:37With her hair and personality
00:12:39Zips and her ribs
00:12:41Dangerous
00:12:42I don't love her
00:12:44Think I was warned about this girl
00:12:46On 999 with Michael Book
00:12:48Who the f*** is Michael Book?
00:12:51My shirt is the canvas
00:12:53My food is the paint
00:12:55To stick with me boy
00:12:56You need the patience of a saint
00:12:59When she's telling an anecdote
00:13:01About an accident
00:13:02You know she'll accidentally re-enact the accident again
00:13:07But she forget
00:13:08Oh
00:13:10Regularly
00:13:10It's not the same with being a curse
00:13:13But it adds to the anarchy
00:13:16She'll say things like
00:13:17Sorry I had to put a tampon in but now I think there might have been already one in there
00:13:20Ooh that looks good
00:13:21Jesus
00:13:22Woo
00:13:23That's this rock and roll
00:13:25Way more drag and roll
00:13:28Dangerous
00:13:29My bad
00:13:31Unfortunately this gorgeous curse
00:13:33Is the best you've ever had
00:13:35But before she goes down on you
00:13:37You better sign that waiver
00:13:39And never let her go on time
00:13:42She'll say
00:13:43Don't worry I got this
00:13:45But she absolutely does not
00:13:48I better get used to this life
00:13:52Ooh
00:13:52Cause I'm only gonna make this clumsy girl
00:13:58My wife
00:14:17We've arrived
00:14:20What is this place doctor?
00:14:22I had a feeling you might like it
00:14:25Welcome to Trexelor 5
00:14:26Home of the great time library
00:14:29Incredible
00:14:31We're not in my relatable northern town anymore
00:14:35I've been looking for this for 16 lifetimes
00:14:38This is the home of the tree of knowledge
00:14:41A tree?
00:14:43In a spaceship?
00:14:44It's the only place that can keep it safe
00:14:46This tree fruits once every trillion years
00:14:49One taste of the tree's fruit
00:14:51Gives you the answer to any question you desire
00:14:53It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever experience
00:14:57Incredible
00:15:03What the fuck is that?
00:15:13That's the tree?
00:15:16That's the tree
00:15:16I'm gonna throw up in my mouth
00:15:17I mean it may not be conventionally attractive but
00:15:21No I mean why is it dripping?
00:15:23That's not a tree
00:15:24The name is allegorical
00:15:25No
00:15:26This is an ancient creature of infinite wisdom
00:15:29A repository of a trillion years of kindness, empathy and intelligence
00:15:33Well it looks like my HPV flare up
00:15:38You're being really disrespectful here Ellen
00:15:40Do not offend the tree of knowledge
00:15:42No I think we should kill it
00:15:44Do not threaten the tree
00:15:45Nobody's threatening the tree
00:15:47The doctor does not kill
00:15:50Oh great now it's farting
00:15:52No no no it's not farting
00:15:53It's talking
00:15:54It welcomes us
00:15:55Oh my god
00:15:58Sounds like me after bottomless brunch
00:16:00I'm allergic to champagne so it comes out of me like fizzy gravy
00:16:04Ellen
00:16:06Come on
00:16:07This is amazing
00:16:09Is it?
00:16:09You're having a genuinely incredible experience
00:16:12You always do this
00:16:13Why can't you just take me somewhere nice?
00:16:15I took you to Jane Austen's house
00:16:17Yeah and she's stank
00:16:19She's stank of old
00:16:21Well everyone did before they invented Lynx Africa
00:16:24Yeah but why can't we just go to like Thorpe Park
00:16:27Before the accidents made it woke
00:16:31Or the Arndale Centre for a bubble tea
00:16:35Right what's it saying now?
00:16:37It wants you to greet it go on
00:16:39It's Mingy
00:16:41Hi
00:16:44No no you need to shake its hand
00:16:46I really don't want to do that
00:16:51You get the answer to all your biggest questions
00:16:54Don't you want to know where your dad is?
00:16:56The secret to happiness
00:16:57Or what bra size you really are
00:16:59Oh yeah I do want to know that
00:17:00All of that especially the bra thing
00:17:02Um okay hello blob
00:17:06No that's not his hand that's his tit
00:17:08Oh
00:17:09Oh
00:17:09Oh
00:17:09Ah his tit came off in my hand
00:17:11No I am so sorry she pulled off your tit
00:17:13Oh my god
00:17:15Silence
00:17:16The tree is fruiting
00:17:18It is ready for you to suck its nectar and receive its knowledge
00:17:22No no no if that's the fruit I'm about to kick off
00:17:26Look well it is the fruit and if you want the answers you must eat it
00:17:30Oh my god no way I've seen Alien I'm not swallowing that and then having it burst out my fanny
00:17:36when I get home
00:17:36Look it doesn't work like that
00:17:40Right see I'm gonna go and watch some reels in the Tardis
00:17:43Fine
00:17:43Fine but don't vape in there
00:17:46I hate the smell of triple mango
00:17:48Triple mango?
00:17:49That's three mangoes
00:17:51Fine I'll vape outside
00:17:52No!
00:17:54What have you done?
00:17:55A single mango is poison enough to our people
00:17:59Oh god
00:17:59The tree
00:18:01It has lived three trillion millennia and now it's dying
00:18:05Oh shit
00:18:06Shit
00:18:07Ellen you killed them I can't be found here
00:18:08Oh my god
00:18:09Oh my god
00:18:10Get in the tarnis quick quick
00:18:12Stop
00:18:13Murderers
00:18:13Don't worry
00:18:14Don't worry
00:18:15The sonic screwdriver will wipe his memory
00:18:18Oh
00:18:20Oh Ellen
00:18:21Oh
00:18:22Ellen
00:18:23Ellen
00:18:23I'm gonna go
00:18:25You know what the space cops will do if they find a black doctor at a crime scene
00:18:29It's not a good look I'm telling you
00:18:31I'll see you later yeah it was nice to meet you
00:18:33I need to stop picking up white girls
00:19:01Oh
00:19:18I need to stop picking up white girls
00:19:24Oh
00:19:27Oh
00:19:28Oh
00:19:29Oh
00:19:30Oh
00:19:31Oh
00:19:31Oh
00:19:35Real nice, Mario.
00:19:37Three o'clock in the afternoon
00:19:39and you're already getting loaded.
00:19:41Oh, here we go again.
00:19:42Mama mia.
00:19:44Why ain't you at work?
00:19:45The city run out of pipes to fix?
00:19:48I lost another job
00:19:50to the friggin' Petrov brothers.
00:19:52Lost Bulgarian sons of bitches.
00:19:55They always undercut to me.
00:19:57Yeah, enough with the Petrov brothers, okay?
00:19:59It's you.
00:20:00You're lazy.
00:20:01You're always off go-kartin'
00:20:03with that monkey who wears a tie and nothin' else.
00:20:06You, you leave him alone.
00:20:08He's a decent guy.
00:20:09Whatever, Mario.
00:20:10I asked you to fix the garbage disposal
00:20:12three weeks ago
00:20:13and you still haven't got off
00:20:15your fat Italian ass
00:20:16and done it yet.
00:20:17I'm not a fat ass.
00:20:18Oh, yeah.
00:20:19I'm not a fat ass.
00:20:20Oh, yeah.
00:20:20Look at this place, princess.
00:20:23What are we after you little
00:20:24fruity mushroom-a-saving?
00:20:27What run around there
00:20:28for you to do everything?
00:20:29You live like a pig.
00:20:30Oh, yeah.
00:20:31Well, how can I make this place nice
00:20:32when your freakin' dog
00:20:34comes in here
00:20:35and wrecks it every five seconds?
00:20:37He's not a dog.
00:20:37He's a dinosaur.
00:20:39Okay, he's a pain in my ass
00:20:40is what he is.
00:20:41A pain in my ass.
00:20:42Oh, what'd I tell you?
00:20:44You cannot lock him in this room.
00:20:46He needs a 20-mile exercise a day.
00:20:49That's why I buy him
00:20:50a little red sneakers.
00:20:52I can't.
00:20:53I can't.
00:20:53Oh, no, what's this?
00:20:55I can't.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:56Okay, for God's sake.
00:20:59I can't.
00:21:00I can't.
00:21:00I can't.
00:21:01I can't.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:03Don't you see?
00:21:04This is what I'm talking about.
00:21:05I can't live like this no more.
00:21:06Oh, well, maybe you should
00:21:07marry Luigi.
00:21:09Oh.
00:21:09I know you want to talk.
00:21:11Oh, Luigi, that's the tool.
00:21:14Oh, Luigi, you live in a mansion.
00:21:16Yeah.
00:21:17Yeah.
00:21:17A mansion full of ghosts.
00:21:19Okay.
00:21:20Yeah, well, at least the ghosts
00:21:21would chase me.
00:21:23What's that supposed to mean?
00:21:26Now you don't got to rescue me
00:21:28from no castles no more.
00:21:30Huh.
00:21:30You ain't interested.
00:21:32Why you got to do this?
00:21:33Why?
00:21:34Why are you going to make
00:21:35everything so hard?
00:21:36That's the problem, Mario.
00:21:39I don't make nothing hard no more.
00:21:44Please, speech.
00:21:46I'm going to take the mushroom
00:21:49to make me big.
00:21:50Oh.
00:21:52Oh, you're a big guy now.
00:21:54You're the big man.
00:21:55Uh-huh.
00:21:55Right.
00:21:56Okay.
00:21:56Well, you know, I spoke to Zelda
00:21:57the other day at the salon.
00:22:00Yeah.
00:22:00Link cannot get enough of her.
00:22:02Okay.
00:22:03They did it five times on Saturday.
00:22:07Zelda?
00:22:08That's the Pilates.
00:22:10Oh.
00:22:12Listen to me, Mario.
00:22:13Just face it.
00:22:13You never wanted me, okay?
00:22:16You just wanted to be the guy
00:22:17that saved me from Big Bad Bowser.
00:22:19Stop it!
00:22:20I tell her you never mentioned
00:22:21how the scaleless and the bitch
00:22:23in there made of my house.
00:22:27But...
00:22:27My...
00:22:29But...
00:22:30Wait.
00:22:31Wa...
00:22:31There's some booze in there.
00:22:34Oh.
00:22:34Oh, who is it, Peach?
00:22:36Luigi?
00:22:37Why is it, Wario?
00:22:39Why are you screwing Wario now?
00:22:41Mario, you're drunk.
00:22:42Stop it, you're crazy.
00:22:44There's some booze in there.
00:22:47I'm pulling the jumper down.
00:22:50On his head.
00:22:51Mario, stop it.
00:22:52Come out of here!
00:22:53Stop it!
00:22:53Come out of here!
00:22:54Stop it!
00:22:55Come out of here!
00:22:55Like cigar!
00:22:57Oh, God.
00:23:01No!
00:23:04No!
00:23:05No!
00:23:06No!
00:23:09Sorry, Mario.
00:23:11God.
00:23:11The Petrov brothers say hello.
00:23:31Based on Enid Blyton's timeless children's stories, The Famous Five.
00:23:35I say, we are very adventurous.
00:23:39Comes a bold new Gen Z reboot.
00:23:44It's those same quaint 1950s adventures you vaguely remember from childhood,
00:23:49with Gen Z stuff shoehorned in.
00:23:52Would anyone care for a quampet?
00:23:54No, thank you.
00:23:56I'm full of vapes.
00:23:58Starring Amy Lou Wood as Anne.
00:24:01And Millie Bobby Blueby Blowne as George.
00:24:03And in this one, she's openly queer.
00:24:06The doctor diagnosed me with LGBTs.
00:24:09Type one, lesbian.
00:24:10And dicks played by Jaden Smith.
00:24:12I'm here doing PR for my whole family.
00:24:15Except one of the actor's contracts was watertight.
00:24:18So Julian is unfortunately exactly the same as in the books.
00:24:22Jolly wotsits!
00:24:23A treasure map!
00:24:26Even Timmy the dog is non-binary.
00:24:28Come on, Timmy. Come on.
00:24:30And they're played by Tom Holland.
00:24:31What?
00:24:32What?
00:24:33What?
00:24:33What?
00:24:34Jendaya?
00:24:35The Telegraph calls it overstimulating and underwritten.
00:24:39I'm addicted to my phone.
00:24:41Personally, I can't stop scrolling.
00:24:44And the commissioner says, look, we know it's a low point.
00:24:48It's based on pre-existing IP and we're really scraping the barrel now.
00:24:51And they talk about World War II like you talk about Covid.
00:24:55It's relatable.
00:24:56World War II was so mid.
00:24:58So true, Thween.
00:25:00And I returned from World War II with ADHD.
00:25:03Can we please paddle to shore?
00:25:06I love paddle.
00:25:11The stories your granny loved, but now the characters are f***ing exhausting.
00:25:17Turn the big light off.
00:25:18I hate the big light.
00:25:19It's a toy.
00:25:20I feel like I'm an A&E.
00:25:22Hmm.
00:25:22Vibes.
00:25:23Why are you letting them say this stuff?
00:25:26Oh!
00:25:26Little Fleabag moment.
00:25:28I live.
00:25:29We have brand new missions.
00:25:31This tunnel should lead directly to Old Nance Manor.
00:25:34But they suffer it permanently.
00:25:36Can't I just tunnel from home?
00:25:38So there isn't really any plot.
00:25:41Guys?
00:25:43Complete with a brand new Gen Z villain.
00:25:45A landlord.
00:25:46Hands off.
00:25:47I'm here to paint over your black merle.
00:25:50Stand back or we'll unalive you.
00:25:53No one's saying it's right.
00:25:55But everyone's saying it's out soon.
00:25:58I'm laughing.
00:25:59I'm laughing right now.
00:26:01I'm literally dead.
00:26:03And the world has out soon.
00:26:06I didn't like today.
00:26:08Coming soon to TikTok in their second chance.
00:26:20I think I left my suitcase here yesterday.
00:26:24Okay.
00:26:24Can you describe it?
00:26:26Yeah.
00:26:26It's a black rectangle on wheels.
00:26:29This one?
00:26:30Oh!
00:26:31Thank God.
00:26:32Yes.
00:26:32Okay.
00:26:32Before I hand it over for security reasons, I do have to ask you what's inside.
00:26:37Okay.
00:26:38Okay.
00:26:39This is going to sound bad.
00:26:40Right?
00:26:41And I promise it's not for here.
00:26:43But it is a bomb.
00:26:51You crazy bitch!
00:26:53No, stop it!
00:26:53I'm screaming!
00:26:55Okay.
00:26:55So, obviously, inquiring minds need to know.
00:26:58Do you plan to harm someone with this?
00:27:00Because if so, I'm going to have to fill out an incident form and go, you know, out of a
00:27:03pen.
00:27:03Yeah.
00:27:04No.
00:27:04Obviously, I'm not trying to kill anyone.
00:27:06I'm not a man.
00:27:09I'm crying laughing.
00:27:11No!
00:27:13Okay.
00:27:13But seriously, what is it for?
00:27:14Okay.
00:27:15You're never going to guess.
00:27:17The Zara changing rooms!
00:27:19Ahh!
00:27:21It's mirrors!
00:27:22Don't!
00:27:22Stop it!
00:27:23Stop it!
00:27:24Stop it!
00:27:26I'm going to win!
00:27:27I'm going to win!
00:27:28I'm going to win!
00:27:28I love you!
00:27:30I love you!
00:27:32Okay.
00:27:32Tell me why I'm going into those changing rooms with my arms full of jeans and I'm leaving
00:27:36with my eyes full of tears.
00:27:38Tell me why I'm going in there with my arms full of crop tops and leaving with plans to
00:27:41vomit in the dead of the night.
00:27:43Those things are similar.
00:27:46Okay.
00:27:46Three words.
00:27:47You.
00:27:47Me.
00:27:48Hanging out after this.
00:27:49Yeah.
00:27:49Oh my God.
00:27:50Obviously.
00:27:51Okay.
00:27:52I'm just going to grab that case.
00:27:53Oh, oh.
00:27:54Yeah.
00:27:54So on that, I'm so sorry not to be a fun sponge.
00:27:57Okay.
00:27:57But now I know there's a bomb in there.
00:27:58I can't give it to you.
00:28:00Okay.
00:28:00I'm on such thin ice with my boss because I've been eating his lunch every day.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:04But can I be a bitch for a second?
00:28:06Okay.
00:28:06My favourite sentence in the whole world.
00:28:09I'm just going to snatch it and run anyway, okay?
00:28:12Don't.
00:28:12No, I am.
00:28:14Oh my God.
00:28:15Ah!
00:28:15Oh my God, no, no, no, no!
00:28:17Ah!
00:28:18Ah!
00:28:18Excuse me.
00:28:19Do you work here?
00:28:21No, I'm dressed like this because I like it.
00:28:25Hello?
00:28:25Mr. Brain.
00:28:26Turn on your brain.
00:28:27Turn on your brain.
00:28:27Turn on your brain.
00:28:28It's like...
00:28:30I'll just go ask someone else.
00:28:33You guys seem like really good friends.
00:28:36Aw, thank you!
00:28:39Ah!
00:28:42Okay, I have something to tell you, all right?
00:28:44This cardigan, it's Zara.
00:28:45Oh, God.
00:28:46And I also have something to confess.
00:28:48Yeah.
00:28:48I've never told anyone this, but...
00:28:51I'm gay.
00:28:56Wait.
00:28:57Wait.
00:28:58Wait.
00:29:00Hang on.
00:29:01Oh my God, girl.
00:29:03What?
00:29:03Girl.
00:29:04What?
00:29:04This isn't a bomb.
00:29:06Oh, it...
00:29:06It's a George Foreman grill!
00:29:09Oh my God!
00:29:11I am never using Facebook Marketplace again!
00:29:15God, I can't believe I said that joke earlier about me being gay.
00:29:25So we still hanging out later?
00:29:27Well, it's...
00:29:29It's just...
00:29:29Oh, God.
00:29:30This is so awkward.
00:29:31Um...
00:29:31But no.
00:29:33I already have loads of friends.
00:29:35Like, for example, I've got my uni girls.
00:29:37My Camp America girls.
00:29:38My National Youth Theatre girls.
00:29:40Okay, yeah.
00:29:41So we just had a near-death experience together, but I guess that means nothing?
00:29:45Go.
00:29:46I low-key think you should just take the grill and go, because you actually pissed me off.
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49Sure.
00:29:50Fine.
00:29:55The guy at Lost Property is gay.
00:29:59No!
00:29:59Oh!
00:30:01Oh!
00:30:02Oh!
00:30:02Oh!
00:30:11Whoo!
00:30:14Whoo!
00:30:15Ladies and Gentlesmen!
00:30:17It's me!
00:30:24I just got my heart broken
00:30:26But I look way too fabulous
00:30:28Yeah, I'm back in therapy
00:30:30I look way too fabulous
00:30:32Touched my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:30:36I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:30:40The bigger my tears, the bigger my lashes
00:30:43The curls in my hair, the bigger the hair
00:30:46The harder I'm feeling, the less than I care
00:30:49The deeper it hurts, my baby, I wish what I'm feeling
00:30:52You deserve, if you know, you know
00:30:56I just got my heart broken
00:30:58But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:00Yeah, I'm back in therapy
00:31:02But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:04I text my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:08I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:31:13Liberace, tragedy in Versace
00:31:16I'm like Mother Ari
00:31:18Keep secrets of embody
00:31:20Oh, ain't it the way
00:31:23It's always the fear to fight the hardest
00:31:27What a shame
00:31:29Slay to be slain
00:31:31Promise you'll dance in those
00:31:34Constellators on my grave
00:31:37May say beauty is pain
00:31:41But when I feel beautiful
00:31:43I ain't feel the way
00:31:48I just got my heart broken
00:31:50But I feel too fabulous
00:31:52Yes, I'm back in therapy
00:31:54But I feel too fabulous
00:31:56I text my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:00I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:32:06I feel too fabulous
00:32:10I'm a way too fabulous
00:32:14I feel too fabulous
00:32:18I feel too fabulous
00:32:20I just got my heart broken
00:32:22But I'm a way too fabulous
00:32:24Yes, I'm back in therapy
00:32:26I'm a way too fabulous
00:32:28Jack spends in my mind, but I'm here
00:32:31I ain't trying, I'm just feeling too fabulous
00:32:36Bigger my teeth, the bigger my lashes, the curls in my hair
00:32:41Bigger the hair, the harder I look and the less that I care
00:32:44Deeper it hurts, I'll be there much when I feel I deserve
00:32:49Yeah, cause I feel way too fabulous
00:33:24It's Weekend Update
00:33:26With Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
00:33:37Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
00:33:41And I'm Anya Magliano
00:33:46This week, King Charles and Queen Camilla made their first official state visit to Washington D.C.
00:33:52As part of the trip, Charles presented the president with an engraved bell
00:33:57Ideally, Trump will wear the bell on a collar like a cat
00:34:01To warn young women that he's approaching
00:34:05During the trip, the couples used coordinated fashion to project unity between the two nations
00:34:11Camilla, seen here wearing Diana's Horcrux
00:34:22Attended the state dinner in a bespoke fuchsia gown
00:34:25The colour of her dress complemented both Melania's strapless pastel gown
00:34:30And King Charles' iconic hot pink fingers
00:34:33As she welcomed the royal party to the White House
00:34:39Melania greeted the king with a kiss
00:34:41Clicking her jaw against his
00:34:43To spell out save me in Moors Cove
00:34:46In Virginia, the king and queen watched a clog dancing performance
00:34:50From a group of Appalachian mountain folk
00:34:52Inbred over generations to the point of physical deformity
00:34:56Charles and Camilla enjoyed the club then
00:35:02Throughout the state visit, press coverage of the conversations between the leaders
00:35:06Has been extremely guarded
00:35:08So to give us the inside scoop on what exactly was said
00:35:12Here's a professional lip reader
00:35:21Thanks for having me on you
00:35:22So you're a professional lip reader
00:35:26Sure
00:35:30Okay, so can you take us through what they're saying in this clip?
00:35:33Absolutely
00:35:34Okay, so
00:35:37Okay, here's a question
00:35:38Would you rather prone growing out of your neck or no neck at all?
00:35:43Can I eat the prawn?
00:35:45No way
00:35:45Sorry to interrupt
00:35:48Is that definitely what they were saying?
00:35:50Yeah
00:35:51I lip-readed it
00:35:54I'm a professional lip reader
00:35:59Oh, okay
00:36:00I can see in your eyes you're not convinced, Danielle
00:36:02It's okay
00:36:02Play another clip
00:36:05Okay, so we've got two ladies here
00:36:06I'm not familiar with their work
00:36:07But
00:36:08But they're saying
00:36:11Our hats are mad, right?
00:36:14Tell me about it
00:36:16What's your favourite crisps?
00:36:18For me
00:36:19Squares all day
00:36:20Squares all day
00:36:22You're mad, girl
00:36:24I like McCoy's
00:36:25Because they're rigid
00:36:26You get more flavour
00:36:27Because of the rigid
00:36:28Okay, okay
00:36:29I think I have to stop
00:36:30You've come on saying you're a professional lip reader
00:36:33But you are clearly making it up
00:36:34Anya, please
00:36:35I need this
00:36:37Please
00:36:38Please
00:36:38One more chance
00:36:39One more chance
00:36:41One more chance
00:36:42One more chance
00:36:43One more chance
00:36:43One more chance
00:36:44Yes, fine
00:36:46Fine
00:36:46But this is your last chance
00:36:48Thank you
00:36:49I haven't done this before
00:36:50I haven't
00:36:59Okay, here we go
00:37:02Have you seen Euphoria series 3?
00:37:06It's shit
00:37:07Okay, that's it
00:37:08You're out of here
00:37:09Guy who I swear told me
00:37:10He was a professional lip reader, everyone
00:37:20On Saturday, a gunman stormed the White House correspondence dinner in Washington
00:37:25For all those in attendance, it was an undeniably terrifying event
00:37:29President Donald Trump shat himself
00:37:31Then, minutes later, the shots rang out
00:37:39The host for the evening's event was magician and mind reader Oz Perlman
00:37:44Who you can see here, using the power of his mind to clamp my vagina shut
00:37:51In the aftermath of the shooting, First Lady Melania Trump was quick to admonish people for making light of the
00:37:57situation
00:37:57We're real people, she said, blinking sideways
00:38:05Newly elected Green MP Hannah Spencer has said it is shocking that
00:38:09You can smell the alcohol when people are in between votes in Parliament
00:38:13In response, Speaker of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle said
00:38:16I bloody love you, you mad bastard
00:38:20Oi, Oi, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah
00:38:23Is that my knob I've been a piss?
00:38:33In a new attempt to keep Angela Rayner out of number 10
00:38:36A group of Labour MPs have launched a campaign entitled
00:38:39Anyone but Ange
00:38:41And if you don't know, anyone but Ange is also who you ask for at the bar
00:38:45If your date is going amazing
00:38:52Reform leader and your dad's favourite cam girl, Nigel Farage
00:38:57Is in hot water over failing to declare a £5 million donation from Christopher Harbourn
00:39:02A Thai-based crypto billionaire
00:39:03If found negligent by the electoral commission, Farage could face an email of up to 400 words
00:39:12Reformers said that the £5 million donation from Harbourn wasn't political
00:39:16And didn't have to be declared because it was a purely personal gift
00:39:20Now, we can't say for certain what the payment was for
00:39:23But for £5 million, Nigel must have been providing some sort of valuable service
00:39:28And that's why Nigel Farage is my Power Bottom of the Week
00:39:38A postal worker in Somerset has found a nest of pigeons living under his van
00:39:43It's mad! Pigeons used to carry the post
00:39:46And now the post carries the pigeons
00:39:49What a crazy mixed-up world we live in, folks
00:39:53What was that?
00:39:55Sorry, I need to speak to my writers
00:40:00Oi! You call that a joke? Do you want me to throw the dogs back in? Do you?
00:40:09Sorry about that
00:40:12Local elections will take place on May the 7th
00:40:16Here to discuss them, it's Larry Dean!
00:40:25Um, Larry, how do you see these local elections going?
00:40:29Well, Paddy, I don't know anything about politics
00:40:31But what I do know is people, right?
00:40:34So I've travelled all around the world
00:40:35And I've found that you can tell how a person votes by how they talk
00:40:39For example, in America, you can tell how someone votes from their mouth, right?
00:40:43So if they're from, like, a blue Democratic state, they will show you exactly what they're saying
00:40:51But as soon as you hit those red Republican areas
00:40:54They'll start moving the mouth forward again
00:40:59I think the reason why is they're usually saying something horrendously racist or homophobic
00:41:04And they don't want anybody lip-reading them, knowing they're the one that just said it
00:41:13And how can you tell how British people are going to vote?
00:41:16Well, in London, right, usually, Paddy, it's like a posture thing, right?
00:41:20So if you're a Labour working class voter, you're going to be a lot more limp
00:41:24Like, even the jaw muscles loose, probably from all the ketamine they've been having
00:41:29And if you're a London Tory voter, your posture will be stiffer, right?
00:41:34And probably from all the pilates and flinching whenever their father walks in the room
00:41:41The number one rule, though, is if you're a posh Londoner
00:41:44You're not allowed to show any emotion until you're finished your sentence
00:41:55Who am I voting for?
00:41:57Well, I do like the idea of tax cuts, but I don't want to seem selfish
00:41:59So, Liberal Democrat? Ooh
00:42:03And, er, how can you tell if someone votes Green?
00:42:06Oh, don't worry, Paddy, they'll tell you
00:42:10And, er, what about Scotland?
00:42:16Well, in Scotland, you know how, when you get older, you become more right-wing, right?
00:42:20That's why I think the Tories and Reform will never win in Scotland
00:42:23Because we don't live long enough
00:42:26Fascinating
00:42:26And tell me, Larry, how do they vote in China?
00:42:31And so, from me, mate, thanks very much, Jess
00:42:33Very good, everyone!
00:42:44In big TV news, the line-up for the next series of Celebrity Traitors was announced this morning
00:42:49It features plenty of exciting castings, including Maya Jammer, James Acaster, and fan favourite Supreme Leader Ayatollah Hominy
00:43:00I'll be honest, I didn't really like the Celebrity Traitors
00:43:03That's why I call all those pigs who turn their back on Greg Wallace
00:43:11Scientists are trialling a new scanning technique that could help diagnose endometriosis
00:43:16This completely non-invasive procedure will be available to women nationwide
00:43:20Just as soon as doctors work out how to make it incredibly painful
00:43:26In Pompeii, archaeologists have discovered the remains of a Roman who fled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius holding a bowl
00:43:32over his head
00:43:33If there's anything worse than a volcanic eruption, it's a volcanic eruption while getting a haircut from your mum
00:43:41New data shows that breast reduction surgery has become more common than breast implant surgery
00:43:47And both options are far more popular than what I went for
00:43:50One of each
00:43:52Business? Pleasure
00:43:55In the last few weeks, at least five people in Southport have overdosed on contaminated heroin
00:44:01So, if you're in Southport and taking heroin
00:44:04Sorry, what do I mean if?
00:44:09A new survey
00:44:14A new survey has found that 39% of young Brits who still live with their parents say it affects
00:44:20how often they have sex
00:44:21So if you want to keep having sex with your parents, move out
00:44:25You'll get the spark back, trust me
00:44:30A West Ham supporter shocked other train passengers travelling to the game
00:44:33After preparing a steak dinner in the carriage with a pair of hair straighteners
00:44:38When asked by his friends if he ran into any trouble on the way to the game, he told them
00:44:42There was a bit of beef, but I straightened it out
00:44:48I told you! I told you!
00:44:55Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has warned European airlines could go bust as the Iran war causes a surge in
00:45:01jet fuel prices
00:45:03Here to comment on the increased cost of flying
00:45:05A woman who's been invited to her fourth destination wedding this year
00:45:15I can't live like this
00:45:18War rages on, famine, floods
00:45:20You mean to tell me that with all these goings on
00:45:23Your best foot forward is a wedding in Sardinia
00:45:27The hen doos in Ibita, that's another £900
00:45:30I've dipped into my pension so we can make some TikToks
00:45:34These spaces aren't cheap
00:45:37You can't just not go
00:45:38You can't just not go, shut up
00:45:41Shut up!
00:45:42How do you think that's going to play out?
00:45:44I'm the villain if I say I don't want to watch your 98 year old grandma get a plane, a
00:45:48ferry and a bus
00:45:49I don't, she's not going to make it
00:45:51What if you just treat it like a holiday?
00:45:53Why you think?
00:45:56I don't want to go to Marrakesh, it's not on my list
00:46:00What ever happened to just getting married down the road?
00:46:02What ever happened to white feminism?
00:46:04Marriage is actually an outdated institution that upholds patriarchal structure
00:46:09Emma Watson, Emma Watson where are you?
00:46:13Help!
00:46:15Are you saying you shouldn't get married at all?
00:46:18When did I say let a woman speak?
00:46:21Marriage is essential, especially as it pertains to the transference of assets, probate and inheritance tax
00:46:26Not my worth, but the words of Martin Lewis, money saving expert
00:46:30The greatest man alive today
00:46:33Is this still about destination weddings?
00:46:35Martin Lewis, please, I'm saving myself for you
00:46:37What do you want in my boy, everybody?
00:46:42For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
00:46:44I don't want you back now, but goodnight!
00:47:19Oh, my God!
00:47:22Oh, my God!
00:47:22Oh, my God!
00:47:22Oh, my God!
00:47:23Oh, my God!
00:47:24Oh, my God!
00:47:27Oh, hello, Archie, hey, Bugbee!
00:47:30Hello, Rex!
00:47:31You all right, Bacon?
00:47:33Archie!
00:47:33Bugbee!
00:47:35This is awkward!
00:47:37Yeah, this is awkward!
00:47:38Oh, this is awkward!
00:47:38I heard Sprinkly pulled you for a chart, Cripsy!
00:47:41Oh, really?
00:47:42Not gonna lie, I kind of awks!
00:47:43Yeah, it was awkward Archie bacon do you mind if bugby and I have a moment we'll leave you to
00:47:50her
00:47:54It's good to see you yeah, it's good to see you too. This is awkward
00:48:00Hello you too
00:48:03Sprinkly
00:48:06Nice one mate
00:48:09Sprinkly
00:48:10Cripsy bugbear. Well, this is awkward
00:48:15Sprinkly may don't take the purse have you guys hooked up yes or no?
00:48:21We have it was like one time me no you must be taking the arch will pass
00:48:29Friggers mippy move bacon again. Hello
00:48:34This is awkward
00:48:38Yeah, okay bugby yeah to be fair with you for this sprinting crypt is ruined my life
00:48:44Can I have a moment with Sprinkly, please we'll leave you guys to our nice one sprinkly fucking rodent
00:48:56You look butters today
00:48:57You look butters today
00:48:58Cheers
00:49:00This is awkward
00:49:02How was Hong Kong?
00:49:04Never been mate
00:49:05Fair
00:49:07Did you sleep with bacon?
00:49:09Yeah, probably
00:49:11Oh
00:49:12Hello butt cheeks
00:49:14Bacon again
00:49:15But cheeks
00:49:17This is awkward
00:49:20Mimu
00:49:20Sprinkly
00:49:25Bacon I heard you got a job
00:49:29Take that buck
00:49:31Fair
00:49:32Bacon Sprinkly could I have a mippy please mate?
00:49:36Of course mate, we'll leave you to her
00:49:41Oh
00:49:44This is awkward
00:49:45Alright Friggers
00:49:47Landona
00:49:48Crepes again bacon again
00:49:49Wait they're bacon
00:49:50You okay butt cheeks?
00:49:53Hello butt cheeks
00:49:54Shut up
00:49:55Shut up butt cheeks you bloody liar
00:49:57You must be taking the actual place
00:50:01Me
00:50:01Did you or didn't you Frick Friggers and Sprinkly up the back side?
00:50:05Me
00:50:06This is awkward
00:50:06Me Friggers and Crepes are just me
00:50:08Did you or did you?
00:50:10Yes or no?
00:50:14You must be taking the actual pose
00:50:18I'm really upset
00:50:20I'll leave you to her
00:50:22Mippy mate
00:50:23Crapsie
00:50:24Landona
00:50:25Bot cheeks
00:50:26I'm bacon
00:50:27Bot cheeks
00:50:28Bacon again
00:50:29Bacon
00:50:30We'll leave you to her
00:50:35You're taking the actual pass landing
00:50:37Mippy Moo is really upset
00:50:38I'll leave you to her
00:50:53Who the F are you?
00:50:55Michael
00:50:58Monty?
00:50:59No
00:50:59Michael
00:51:00What the earth do you want Michael?
00:51:03I've been trying to get my mother's corpse into that ambulance for the past five minutes
00:51:08Could you please move her side?
00:51:10Yeah fair mate
00:51:14We'll leave you guys to it
00:51:20She'll take our the best
00:51:28It's nothing
00:51:30We'll leave you alone
00:51:32No
00:51:34No
00:51:36No
00:51:36Yeah
00:51:36No
00:51:44Please
00:52:01I like a drink and I still smoke cigarettes, yes, I'm so uncool and I don't have many
00:52:09friends, yes, I'm what they call a lost cause but then again, ah, ah, ah, I was born for a
00:52:18different audience, we glorious freaks, beautiful nightmares in feathers and beads, ah, ah, ah, live to be queens, world full
00:52:34of windows and sinners like me.
00:52:40Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
00:52:52nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
00:52:59nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
00:52:59nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
00:52:59nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
00:52:59nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
00:54:09We're beautiful freaks.
00:54:11We're beautiful freaks.
00:54:14We're beautiful, beautiful, beautiful freaks.
00:54:21free
00:54:56got what it takes my wife got friends round got roast pork for lunch plenty of taste british pork
00:55:03great value for money fred's got plenty and arthur's got plenty we've all got plenty plenty
00:55:10to go around my wife's got what it takes british pork what's it got it's got the lot
00:55:17go for lunch on sunday okay cuts oh great work tony oh thank you very much thank you really good
00:55:25guys if we get this right 1984 will be a landmark year for british pork small thing though um the
00:55:32british pork ball is now under new management big change at the top and the new team are keen to
00:55:38go
00:55:38in a more frightening direction with the others what frightening yes they're hoping to frighten
00:55:44people into eating more british pork seems seems like a risky strategy yeah well a few of the board
00:55:49members are in today want to give them a wave oh oh hello hello everyone so let's run it again
00:55:57from
00:55:57the top um tony i hate to give you a line read i think your first line is more like
00:56:02um got what it
00:56:03takes my wife like a dark rage like got what it takes my wife got friends round got roast pork
00:56:12for lunch
00:56:12that's it that seems extreme well the pork ball are loving it
00:56:24just an idea feel free to shoot me down yeah uh but why doesn't tony do all the lines i
00:56:32don't know
00:56:32about that it might come across like a what a monologue full of hatred and menace well that's what we're
00:56:37going for i think yeah what would you be doing then sorry well well i thought that maybe i could
00:56:42pour the gravy and sort of look at him like this oh god yeah oh geez lord yeah that's brilliant
00:56:50i got
00:56:50chills from that yeah um and arthur can you match that energy do you reckon um yeah maybe something along
00:56:57the lanes of perfect perfect question about the music in the background yeah i was going to say
00:57:06maybe we lose the music okay yeah and instead of us talking we mind the conversation so we can hear
00:57:12tony's horrible monologue well yeah but then when everyone's just eating in silence what if we um
00:57:18clattered our cutlery on the plates really loudly then it wouldn't be silent you know like this
00:57:22sort of like yeah and move your mouth as well so yeah that's nasty i love it really nasty i
00:57:29mean
00:57:29i've never seen the pork ball so happen
00:57:40and i think that's the reaction we're looking for really so um great great suggestions everyone
00:57:44let's go for a take shall we okay everybody ready and action got what it takes my wife your friend
00:57:52got lost pork for lunch
00:57:56say it tony say it plenty of tea this is pork real value for money bread's got plenty there they
00:58:04are
00:58:04it's got plenty with all got plenty i'm sorry that just that seems insane
00:58:10really mad take two minutes everyone i'm sorry everyone i don't mean to be a bother
00:58:17so tony the way i'm seeing it as far as i'm concerned right the pork's in the oven okay the
00:58:24crackling
00:58:25it's crisping up real nice all it needs just a little bit of seasoning and that's where you come in
00:58:30all
00:58:40what are you talking about i am talking about pork tony it's always been about the pork
00:58:47it's time to join the conversation okay now you're going to join the conversation right or are we going
00:58:53to have to go elsewhere and start talking to someone else because there's thousands of scary
00:58:57wicked old blokes out there who would give their left nuts to be standing where you're standing
00:59:01right now okay i can do it i can do it okay i can do it i know that tony
00:59:06right the pork board know that
00:59:11it's time for you to show that to the world okay okay okay okay yeah i can do this you
00:59:18do this
00:59:18all right place everyone tony head of the table ready to carve in three two one action got what it
00:59:24takes my wife got friends around got rolls pork for lunch real value for money
00:59:34friends got plenty no it's got plenty we've all got plenty thank you to go around my wife
00:59:42what it takes british pork what's it got it's got a lot
00:59:56my biggest thanks to me and a huge thank you to the cast writers bony the dog happy birthday danny
01:00:03and everyone working on the show for making this such a great week it's been so amazing to host snl
01:00:10you guys
01:00:11good night
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