- 16 minutes ago
The Trades (2024) Season 3 Episode 7
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TVTranscript
00:14You
00:15Hello, hello, so I'm clearing out the crawlspace come across some shit from you guys were kids you can fight
00:19about the memories
00:24Why in the hell did you and mom let me cut my own hair hey you were dumb enough to
00:28ask you were dumb enough to learn
00:29Looky here we have early signs of talent
00:32That was grade six you remember grade six Todd barely shitting on my head you did this in grade six
00:37It was a it was a group project. I think most of the stuff in here would get a teacher
00:41fired today
00:42No, dude Todd is inattentive. He would have more friends if he stopped picking his scrotum and sniffing markers
00:48Well, he's just not the other way around. Oh look at this one self-driven independent thinker a pleasure to
00:53teach the world needs more
00:56Audrey's aren't you perfect more in a winner, baby
00:59Oh, yeah, mr. Bird did not like you fucking prick. I hate that guy
01:06Hot damn miss Walton. Oh, here we go. That was your teacher crush crush of all crushes
01:13I know those tight short skirts and those long legs to this day. I still can't walk past a pantyhose
01:18aisle. They're getting dizzy
01:19Todd's not reaching his full potential struggles with focus easily overwhelmed
01:25Was I good at anything?
01:27You could run fast help yourself dad. Hey, I'm retired tends to panic during presentations needs to work on this
01:34especially after the spelling bee incident
01:37What was the spelling bee incident? It was nothing. It was something gave the poor kid the word baloney
01:42He froze up. He went white as drywall and crumbled like a cheap sawhorse. Didn't you baloney?
01:48It's not even a hard word. I could spell it now. I was 12. Oh, yeah, okay. Spell it baloney
01:52Baloney be a
01:54Already wrong. Oh, I hate that word. It's a big word. Oh, look at this one a born leader
02:01Audrey could be prime minister damn
02:04I peaked early. Oh, you peaked already peak sniffing teachers asses and polishing apples for extra credit
02:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is all ancient history. Come on. Who wants to peak at 11 anyway? Hey
02:14now?
02:14Well, you gotta peak sometime right toddy
02:16Don't worry. There's still hope. You're not that old. You're so fucking funny odds
02:26I always thought miss walton was just a flirty lady who bathed in perfume, but now I'm like holy shit
02:31Maybe she actually saw something in me or maybe she wanted fewer parent teacher meetings
02:35It's kind of wild right? I mean a year ago. I was folding jeans at jean machine and now I've
02:40got a stiletto hammer
02:41I got apprentices asking me where the good gloves are. I mean, maybe I'm actually becoming the person she thought
02:46I could be
02:47Miss walton probably still thinks I'm a dumbass
02:49I bet she tells that fucking spell on me story all the time. She's still alive
02:54Ever heard of cutting in half their dick brain then I'd have to chew twice like why make more work
02:59for myself
03:00Todd
03:02Uh earplugs please. Oh shit. Let's go
03:06What's up?
03:07There's been a mercury spill in the river
03:10Was it us?
03:11I don't know yet, but it's a reminder to produce that community outreach video
03:14Conk cares
03:14Conk cares
03:16Corn pulse just released a promo called corn pulse connects and we're getting slaughtered in the PR game
03:21I don't really know much about making videos like do I have to be on camera?
03:24No, you just need to assemble the right people you're good at organizing chaos
03:27It's not really my field of expertise
03:28I'll do it. Oh, yeah. I was head of the AV club in high school
03:33She asked me to do it. I'll do it. Todd
03:36I'm the only person that you know who can make a video like that
03:39Okay, but you have actual work to do. What about that?
03:41So change of plans Todd you're with me
03:44Just got word that the mercury could be us so we need to address the media
03:48Huh? Isn't that a head office problem?
03:51No, it's an Imperial Valley problem and we're Imperial Valley
03:53Just don't sweat it. It'll be a bunch of local reporters you probably went to high school with
03:57Okay, but if I help you then who's gonna do the video can wait or I can start right now
04:01Wow
04:02Look at your initiative. Yeah
04:05All right, Audrey, it's yours. What do you need?
04:07Nothing
04:08Tanner
04:09You're my guy. He just got a new phone. Come here
04:12Sorry, what am I doing?
04:13Get over here
04:13What did you mean by address the media?
04:16Don't worry, you're gonna kill the questions
04:17There's gonna be questions?
04:19Oh
04:21Fuck
04:23You just turned my sandwich into a panini, man. Thanks guy, bro
04:27What a fucking day
04:29Okay, we're looking at fast cuts, real people and want it to feel sexy
04:33This isn't gonna be some fucking lame-ass corporate video where some lazy-eyed asshole drools into the camera
04:37Okay, we are going to tell people a story. We are taking them on a journey to the soul of
04:42this place
04:43They're gonna laugh. They're gonna cry
04:45Let's show the world what conch is really about
04:48Okay
04:49Is this the part where I pretend where I know what I'm doing until someone yells at me?
04:54Yep, that someone will be me
04:56Wonderful, yeah
04:56Get your camera
05:00Let's get this over with
05:17Oh jeez
05:18It's fucking huge
05:20Yeah, that doesn't look great
05:23Yeah, things got its own tide
05:25That's not a blob, that's a bio
05:27Just finished the test
05:29Yeah?
05:30Sorry, this is above my pay grade
05:31Oh, that's great. Envirovestigate is quitting
05:33My wife and I are planning on having kids
05:35I'd like them to come out symmetrical
05:37Pussy!
05:37Hummer
05:38What? I'm union. I'm not polite
05:39Yo, are we fucked?
05:41Yep
05:42Whoa
05:42Got a cum nest monster in there
05:44Look at that thing
05:45Please have some good news
05:46Oh, hey
05:46Afraid not. It's definitely us
05:49It's got conch signature runoff
05:51Mercury lead
05:52And a very familiar amount of negligence
05:54Todd
05:55We had a chat and the media contact
05:58It's you
05:59You're the guy
05:59Get a picture of that
06:00What? Not on my own
06:01No, no, no, no, no
06:02You love this kind of thing
06:04You used to vlog your hangovers
06:06You've spoken for thousands of people in your flair stack world tour
06:09Come on
06:09I'm the solutions guy and we don't have a solution
06:11You need to stall until we find one that I can take full credit for
06:16What about you, Chels? You're site manager
06:18No, we need someone who can speak small town
06:20Someone who can talk to that guy
06:21Who? Fucking Beardo?
06:22Now listen, this is our window
06:23We say nothing, we look like we're hiding something
06:26But I don't know what to say or how to say it
06:28You do not want me riffing up there, trust me
06:30Correct
06:31That's why we're gonna write you a script
06:33Talking points, sound bites
06:35I don't like this
06:35Couple of jokes if the vibes feel right
06:37You'll do great
06:38We got you, honey
06:39Okay
06:40Okay
06:41Stick with me, get our first subject
06:44Somebody good
06:47Oh, yes
06:48There's so much we can fit in here
06:49Get your camera
06:49Alright, keep it coming
06:51Roach
06:51Video time, guys
06:53Uh, what the fuck are you guys doing?
06:55Yeah, what are you doing, man?
06:57Shit
06:57I'm not a plumber
06:59What?
07:00Teaser
07:00What?
07:01Oh, hey, uh, nothing
07:03I own these
07:05Um, I haven't asked you anything yet
07:07But, okay, here we go
07:09Describe the conch experience in one word
07:14Gone
07:16Ow!
07:17Jesus, Roach
07:18The fuck?
07:20Where are you going?
07:21Better take a shit
07:22There he goes
07:22What the fuck was that?
07:23Alright, let's go get Roach
07:25Maybe he'll be better
07:26I doubt it
07:27Hey Roach, quick interview
07:28Okay, just don't smoke on camera
07:30Oh
07:31Okay
07:32What has conch done for the community?
07:35Uh, I get free drugs and my teeth cleaned
07:38What?
07:39How does that relate to the community?
07:41Uh, the pharmacy guy and the teeth doctor get our businesses right, so
07:47Alright, finish my sentence
07:48For some, it's a job
07:50For others, it's a
07:52Job
07:53Am I right?
07:56Thanks for nothing, Roach
07:57Told ya
07:59Beauty
08:00That went really great
08:03Get your own morning after pill
08:05What do I look like?
08:06The school nurse?
08:07Oh my god, Steffi
08:08I'm so glad to see you
08:09Honey
08:10It is so difficult working with people who don't take you seriously
08:14I am trying to make art
08:16You get me?
08:17Oh
08:18You got a beautiful face
08:19Will you please give me some star power?
08:22Aww
08:22You think you can handle the wattage?
08:24Let's find out
08:25Roll the cam
08:26Words of wisdom for the conch cares video
08:31Get yourself a tetanus shot
08:34And don't fall off the flare stack
08:36Anything a little bit, I don't know, warmer?
08:39I got work to do here
08:41Don't sleep with backwoods
08:43Fuck off
08:43Give me this
08:44Give me this
08:45Okay, repeat after me
08:47I feel at home at conch
08:50I feel at home at conch
08:52That's perfect if we're making a horror film
08:54But we're not trying to terrify people, we're trying to excite them
08:57Right
08:57I'm gonna shout out some emotions
08:59And you infuse the words with a vibe
09:01Okay?
09:02Got it
09:02Okay, okay
09:04Happy
09:04I feel at home at conch
09:07Okay
09:07Sexy
09:08I feel at home
09:09At conch
09:11Jesus
09:11I feel at home
09:13At conch?
09:14No, that's not what you meant
09:15Your video sucks
09:15Yeah, man, what are you like
09:16Oliver Stoner?
09:18Fuck off, guys
09:19Alfred Spliffcock
09:20Hey, did you guys sign those out?
09:21Twice, man
09:23I keel at foam
09:24At honk
09:25Fuck my life
09:26Here, just fucking take this
09:27I am
09:28We're done here
09:31Use your wee fucked up voice
09:33And try to cry if you can
09:35Oh my god
09:36I wrote some good shit
09:37Let's go
09:38Okay
09:38Hey
09:39Hi
09:41Hey, hi-ho
09:42Get to the cue cards
09:44Um
09:45Our
09:46Commitment
09:47To
09:48What the fuck is this?
09:50You can't fucking read now?
09:51What are these words?
09:52It's hard to read
09:53Who wrote this?
09:54I was in a rush
09:56Fucking read it
09:57We
09:58Here
09:59The crotch
10:00Conch
10:01Did you say crotch
10:02Conch
10:03You ever stare at a word too long and it stops looking like a word, everyone?
10:07No
10:08Uh...
10:08Conch
10:10Is that even how it's spelled?
10:11It's not a spelling contest, just read it
10:13Move on
10:13Anyway, there's a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo in these notes
10:18Uh...
10:18Carbon trails
10:19Don't skip that
10:20River acidity
10:21Are you kidding me, Todd?
10:23Fuck me
10:25You know what, I left my science brain in the truck
10:27What's he doing?
10:28What's he doing?
10:28So, if you're worried
10:30Don't be
10:30I mean, this is basically like
10:33Three Mile Island
10:34Or
10:34What?
10:36Fukushima
10:36Or, you know, the, uh
10:38I didn't write
10:39The Exxon Valdez, which
10:40Turned out okay
10:42And none of those places complained
10:44They didn't bitch about a little radiation or glowing otters
10:47And, you know, they didn't stop having kids
10:49Hell no!
10:50They probably had more kids because they couldn't go outside
10:53Now that's a theory
10:54Jesus Christ
10:55Well, I guess that's gonna be, uh
10:57About it for me
10:58I'm gonna
10:59Wrap it up
11:00Wrap it up
11:01In a sandwich
11:02Letty, you're up
11:02Pull him out
11:04Baloney?
11:07Letty?
11:07V
11:09A
11:11L
11:12Oh
11:12Oh
11:14God!
11:14Todd!
11:16That's not what I wrote
11:17Blood sugar
11:18Blood sugar
11:18Blood sugar issues
11:19You'll be fine
11:20Oh
11:20Oh
11:30Hey bro
11:30Jesus
11:31There he is
11:32Do you have five minutes for my Concares promo piece?
11:35I need silence and another drinking box
11:37Come on Todd
11:38Everyone else is fucking treating this like a joke
11:41They're disrespecting me and my crew
11:42I need you
11:43Your crew?
11:45Isn't just you and Mini Tripod over here with a fucking cell phone?
11:48Hey
11:48I'm five five
11:49Sure you are
11:50Fuck
11:51Fine
11:52You got five
11:53Perfect
11:56This is General Foreman Todd Stuhl
11:59He's also my brother
12:01That's right
12:02At Conk
12:02We're one big shiny family
12:04Some of us are shinier than others
12:08And how would you describe this family, Todd?
12:13I don't know
12:13Dysfunctional
12:14A bunch of peer pressuring pricks
12:16Fuck you man
12:17Trying to fucking tank this?
12:19Jesus I thought I could count on you
12:21Oh come on odds
12:22You hijacked the assignment
12:23And now I'm the assholes
12:24I don't want to smile through it
12:25I didn't hijack the assignment
12:27Chelsea gave it to me because I'm the only one around here who gives a shit
12:29Maybe if you gave less of a shit about being a star
12:31And more about being part of a team
12:33The crew wouldn't treat your passion project like a joke
12:36Should I still be filming this?
12:37No
12:38Okay
12:38Jesus Todd you've been grumpy since middle school
12:40At least I didn't peak in middle school
12:42Well talent never dies
12:43Neither does herpes odds
12:44Doesn't even make a film about it
12:46Hey
12:47Sorry odds
12:48You can finish this later
12:51Let me get a sibling rivalry
12:53Help me
12:54Okay table it
12:56Alright on to the next
12:58Come with me
13:01How you doing?
13:02Your head okay?
13:02Okay
13:03Okay good
13:03Listen we're pulling you from the media scrum
13:06We can't have our GF blacking out on camera again
13:08It just looks a little bad for the
13:10You know
13:11Everything
13:12Alright?
13:14Okay
13:15Cut
13:18Miss Conk you look amazing today
13:20Do you have time for a quick interview?
13:21No no no no no
13:22Just a quick conversation
13:23I said no
13:24We just need one sound bite
13:25No no time
13:26There she goes
13:27Shit
13:27Is this a janitor's closet?
13:29Oh yeah it's a closet
13:30She's so fucking nuts
13:31Okay um
13:33Through the door then
13:34Can you tell me a little bit about Conk caring from the family perspective?
13:39Oh my
13:40Fucking god
13:41There's a bird in this closet
13:42Bird in that closet?
13:43No there's no bird in the closet
13:46Shut up
13:47Nevermind
13:48It was
13:49It was a feather duster
13:50Uh
13:51Anyway
13:52Granddaddy Conk
13:53Built an empire less on caring
13:55More on rules
13:56Silence and fear
13:57You know
13:58Classic family father shit
14:00Okay just one more question before you go
14:02No no no no
14:02I have to go damage control your brother's fainting spell
14:04What?
14:06Oh fuck
14:08That's why Todd was freaking out
14:10I thought he was just being Todd
14:12Yeah you're being kind of a dick
14:13I was
14:14Yeah
14:17Shit
14:19Are you zooming in on me?
14:21Stop that
14:24Come on
14:28Alright go go go go
14:29Go go go
14:32Well
14:33What a
14:34Turn out
14:35Hot damn
14:36Guys I have some really good news
14:39At Conk
14:41We are in a true partnership
14:42With mother nature
14:43Right?
14:44I mean that old gal can flood a town
14:47What do we do?
14:48We pivot
14:49When we leak an itty bitty amount of mercury into the river
14:53She just
14:53I don't know
14:54Hides it in fishes or something right?
14:57Oh no no
14:58She keeps making it sound like no big deal
14:59They'll think we're burying barrels
15:01Oh well
15:02She keeps talking it all
15:03We'll be burying the company
15:05You feel down again huh?
15:07I might have
15:08A little
15:10Seems like I'm still a fucking fuck up
15:12No no hey hey hey hey
15:14You remember your uncle Jerry?
15:16Like your brother?
15:17Yeah you remember when you were 13
15:18He didn't help him after he crashed his sea dew into his ex-wife's pool?
15:20I remember him being fucking wasted
15:22He thought he was at the marina
15:24That's the day that's the day
15:25That night he phoned me
15:26He says to me
15:27Todd's my guy
15:29Todd's the kind of kid who's ready to help out
15:30If I ever killed somebody
15:31Todd would be the first one there with shovels and snacks
15:34You don't judge you just show up
15:36And you do your best when you're there
15:38Whether it's you know
15:39Helping your drunk uncle Jerry in a sea dew out of a pool
15:41Or comforting your community after an environmental disaster
15:44You're there
15:47Thanks dad
15:50Hell no she doesn't
15:51She just crashes right on in
15:54Uninvited
15:56Like my Aunt Marilyn
15:57Half drunk on some cheap ass rose
15:59She's killing us
16:01Let me fix this
16:02That ship capsized
16:04No offense
16:04I know
16:05But I want another shot
16:06I've been fainting
16:07In front of public crowds
16:08Since grade six
16:09Like I'm due for a win
16:10Well hopefully the podium comes with a handrail this time
16:13You're getting back up there
16:15We spin this
16:16You don't apologize
16:18Anthropomorphize it
16:19Toxic spills don't sell
16:20But Bobby the safety sludge
16:22That's a brand
16:23Give him a jingle you know
16:25I'm serious
16:26Smokey the Bear
16:27Pillsbury Doughboy
16:29It could be like the Michelin Man meets Slimer
16:32People love a weird little creep with a smile
16:35Anything's better than this shit show
16:36How about you drink some of the water?
16:39Well I would
16:41But I am doing an intermittent fasting
16:43So no liquids until sundown
16:45We need clean water
16:46Yeah
16:46And a real apology
16:48Yeah
16:49Come on
16:51It's a complicated issue
16:52Come on
16:53Come on
16:55Come on
16:55Come on
16:56What?
16:57What that can you do?
16:58I got this
17:00Okay
17:02We're gonna fix this
17:03Not with bullshit
17:05With work
17:07And maybe sandbags
17:08I don't know yet
17:10You know what?
17:11Fuck this
17:13Follow me
17:19Let's go
17:20Right?
17:20Follow the man with the podium
17:24Follow me
17:25Let's go
17:25You want me to drink the water?
17:27I'll drink the fucking water
17:37Anybody have a container or glass to put some water in?
17:41Anybody?
17:44Thanks Conky
17:51Oh what's he doing?
17:55Go Todd
17:56Go Todd
18:06Mmm
18:08Why don't you drink the whole thing?
18:10Not just a sip
18:11Go in
18:13That's it
18:14Come on
18:15Go in
18:16Let's see it
18:19That's it
18:20Keep it down
18:21Keep it down
18:21Keep it down
18:24Every last drop
18:31Not bad.
18:33Well done.
18:38Oh, Jesus.
18:41Mercury is speaking.
18:43We all grew up on this river.
18:45We fished in it, we swam in it, we probably swallowed some of it.
18:48And yeah, I mean, it's full of mercury now, but so are most of us.
18:53When I was in elementary school, I broke a thermometer open, and I touched the mercury, I thought it was
18:58cool.
18:59And fuck it, full disclosure, I licked it on a dare.
19:03And then I licked it again for attention.
19:05Attaboy, Todd.
19:06And I turned out mostly normal.
19:08The thing is, most of us have stories like that.
19:11We're all still here, we're all still weird, and we're all pretty much normal.
19:15I'm not saying it's good, but to pretend it didn't happen isn't going to fix it.
19:19We all released our pet goldfish in this water.
19:21Take a look at these.
19:22Half my chompers are mercury.
19:24I lit a jar of this water on fire to impress my girlfriend.
19:28Now she's my wife!
19:33Behold, Todd's stool.
19:35Leading by example, which in this case means drinking contaminated water on camera.
19:39He's also my brother.
19:41You got this, bro.
19:43Here's the thing, if we're stuck with this blob, let's own it.
19:46Let's make it our own.
19:48I say we name the fucking thing.
19:50Yeah, all right.
19:51Globby.
19:52That's a friendly name.
19:53Nice, Dad.
19:54How about Lil Spilly?
19:57Merkuley.
19:58That's pretty good.
19:59Just spitball in here.
20:00What about Blob Gnarly?
20:02Oh, that's good.
20:04Huh?
20:04Lil Spilly's just a misunderstood puddle.
20:06All right, I think we have a winner.
20:07What?
20:08Oh, my God.
20:09Society made him foxy.
20:10I want royalties.
20:11I guess this is what Peking feels like.
20:14Somewhere out there is blob gnarly.
20:17Good job.
20:18You stayed upright.
20:19You didn't shit yourself.
20:20That's gross.
20:20Oh, I think I'm next to a pair of pants.
20:23Kidding.
20:24I smell it, obviously.
20:25Oh, I know.
20:26With you trades guys, it's always about shit and piss.
20:28And the occasional cock.
20:30Hey, Todd.
20:31Um, still need to make my video, except none of the guys will play ball.
20:35Half of them think that I'm filming a prank show.
20:38I'm their boss.
20:39I can make them dance.
20:41Let's show everybody that we're functional.
20:43Aw.
20:44You do care.
20:45No, but I can fake it for five minutes.
20:47Cool.
20:48That's six more than usual.
20:51Okay.
20:52Into the camera.
20:54And action.
20:55Yeah, well, my old man worked here, and now I do, and hopefully my son after me.
21:01It's not always easy, but when you're in a jam, people show up.
21:06Nice.
21:06And it's a job where I can be unapologetically weird and get paid.
21:10The big bucks.
21:12Not a bad deal.
21:13One of a kind, Dewey.
21:14I care about the lunch truck.
21:16Okay.
21:16And that's all that you want to say for the video?
21:20What video?
21:21Fuck, Roach.
21:22Ponk has covered me through two divorces, four injuries, and one surprise custody hearing.
21:28Aw.
21:29That's important.
21:30Okay.
21:30Well, if you need a nail gun or an alibi, someone's got you.
21:35Ponk isn't a perfect place, but when the shit hits the fan, people show up.
21:39They care about the work, the town, and each other.
21:43It's not some corporate mission statement.
21:45It's just how it is.
21:48Yeah.
21:48You get the picture.
21:50T-shirts, hats, hoodies.
21:52All proceeds go to the cleanup or sandbags or whatever helps.
21:55We made this mess, and we'll deal with it because...
21:59Ponk cares!
22:02Okay.
22:03Well, I guess you're not a complete failure.
22:05Oh, high praise from a guy who head-butted a podium on live TV.
22:09And who had the brilliant idea of letting the town name a toxic blob.
22:13I mean, that was Homer's idea, but who's counting?
22:16You know, I never gave a damn about your report cards.
22:19I didn't need any teacher to tell me who my kids were.
22:21You came out strong.
22:22You came out smart.
22:24You came out mine.
22:25Oh, just so you know, that sexy crush of yours, Miss Walton?
22:28Yeah?
22:29She was a boxed wine drunk.
22:31Really?
22:32And I should know.
22:32I banged her.
22:35Whoa.
22:36What?
22:37It was the only A I ever got.
22:40Ew, guys.
22:41I'm so jealous.
23:03Honestly, the most frequent thing that happens here in terms of safety is, like,
23:07dudes getting their dicks caught in their zippers, and I don't go into the bathroom for that.
23:10I sent Homer, and he likes it.
23:13The mercury blob will be contained.
23:16This is not our first rodeo.
23:17I mean, it is our first rodeo.
23:19It's just not the first rodeo.
23:22There are plenty of rodeos out there.
23:23It's happened before.
23:25The point is, the technology is there.
23:26We will clean it up.
23:28Things will be fine.
23:29Life will go on.
23:30All right?
23:30Are we done?
23:31Okay.
23:32We're totally fine.
23:33You ain't gonna take us too long, I swear.
23:34And if you live my life, you would understand.
23:37Devil is a friend of the working man's hand.
23:39The Lord might take you by the hand.
23:41He ain't gonna take us to the promised land.
23:43And if you live my life, you would understand.
23:46The devil is a friend of the working man's hand.
23:48The Lord might take you by the hand.
23:50He ain't gonna take us to the promised land.
23:52And if you live my life, you would understand.
23:55The devil is a friend of the working man's hand.
23:57The Lord might take you by the hand.
23:59He ain't gonna take us to the promised land.
24:01And if you live my life, you would understand.
24:03The devil is a friend of the working man's hand.
24:06You
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