- 15 minutes ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:03At this moment, somewhere over the Atlantic.
00:00:15Oh, Charles.
00:00:17Charles, you did such a smashing job with your speech to Congress.
00:00:21After that, there's no way Donald Trump will do anything weird or bad ever again.
00:00:28Mission accomplished, Camilla.
00:00:30Still, I'm glad to be heading home.
00:00:34I just hate being in any country where my mummy's not on the money.
00:00:39Come on now, Charles.
00:00:40America's not so bad.
00:00:42They've got hot dogs, Reese's Pieces, and best of all, legal weed gummies.
00:00:49Don't tell anybody, but I'm sneaking some through customs in my tummy.
00:00:55Camilla, you minx.
00:01:00Ladies and gentlemen, the in-flight meal is about to be served.
00:01:02Please return your seats to the upright position.
00:01:05Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?
00:01:08Could we possibly have a bit of eat?
00:01:10We don't do that.
00:01:14Good afternoon, passengers.
00:01:16This is your captain speaking.
00:01:17We're currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet.
00:01:20Time in the UK is 10.02pm.
00:01:23And we're turning around and going all the way back to America.
00:01:26Did you hear that, hubby?
00:01:28They're turning the plane around!
00:01:30What the devil?
00:01:31Captain, I demand this plane return to Britain!
00:01:35I'm afraid I can't do that, Your Majesty.
00:01:39Because, you see...
00:01:42It's me!
00:01:45Sir Keir Starber!
00:01:54Sir Keir, what in the blazes are you doing here?
00:01:58Unless I'm very much mistaken, Your Majesty.
00:02:01I've hijacked the royal plane!
00:02:03Sir Keir, land this plane at once!
00:02:07No can do, Queenie.
00:02:09You see, I was dusting off some of my old legal textbooks
00:02:13and I came across a rather intriguing statute.
00:02:16Did you know that a Prime Minister cannot be removed
00:02:19while the monarch is out of the country?
00:02:26So you thought you'd save your premiership with this dastardly plan?
00:02:30What other choice did I have?
00:02:32Doing a good job?
00:02:33Huh!
00:02:35Grow up!
00:02:38Sir Keir, I commend you by order of the king...
00:02:41The king of what, Charles?
00:02:43The king of the clouds?
00:02:46You have no power up here!
00:02:51So long as we keep circling the skies!
00:02:55I keep being Prime Minister!
00:02:59Hey!
00:02:59Sir Keir, I've got a question.
00:03:02Chicken or fist?
00:03:09A name's flight attendant, but why?
00:03:12Because I do have a name, Your Majesty.
00:03:15You see, it's me.
00:03:19Angela Rayner!
00:03:24Angela Rayner?
00:03:30Yes, and I'm taking us home
00:03:32because I've been looking through some old legal textbooks
00:03:36and I've realised if you're not in the country,
00:03:39then I can't do...
00:03:41this thing I'm planning.
00:03:44Hey, Rayner,
00:03:46please return your body to the downright position.
00:03:51I'm not letting this plane get back to Britain
00:03:53because, you see, it's me.
00:03:59Paul Selby!
00:04:04Are we supposed to know who that is?
00:04:08Not at all.
00:04:09I'm not famous.
00:04:11I'm the one member of the British public
00:04:13who loves Keir Starmer.
00:04:15That's right, I was indoctrinated online
00:04:17by the radical centre-left
00:04:18and now I'm in charge of this plane
00:04:21and nothing...
00:04:22nothing...
00:04:27I knew there was something fishy about that chap.
00:04:30That's why right after take-off
00:04:32I secretly slipped in 47 of your weed gummies, darling.
00:04:36Oh, Charles!
00:04:37Like I've always said,
00:04:39you come for the king,
00:04:40you best not miss.
00:04:44Now, baby,
00:04:46get in the cockpit and take the plane home
00:04:48because...
00:04:49Life of London is Saturday night!
00:05:00It's Saturday night live!
00:05:06It's Saturday night live!
00:05:07With...
00:05:09London and Michelle!
00:05:16Ayoade Bonvoye!
00:05:18Ayoade Bonvoye!
00:05:38Ayoade Bonvoye!
00:05:41Anya Magliano!
00:05:47Anabelle Marlowe!
00:05:52Al Nash!
00:05:58Jack Shepp!
00:06:04Emma Sidney!
00:06:12Harry Young!
00:06:14Harry Young!
00:06:19Musical guest,
00:06:20Me!
00:06:25And your host,
00:06:27Amy Lewis!
00:06:39Ladies and gentlemen,
00:06:42Amy Lewis!
00:06:45Ayoade Bonvoye!
00:06:56Ayoade Bonvoye!
00:06:58Thank you!
00:06:59Thank you!
00:07:00Thank you!
00:07:01I'm Amy-Lou Wood,
00:07:02and I'm so excited to be hosting SNL the UK!
00:07:08And I am the first Northern host!
00:07:13Shout out to the Stockport Hat Museum!
00:07:16Yes!
00:07:19Oh, seriously,
00:07:20it is a huge honour to be here tonight.
00:07:22You might know me from Sex Education.
00:07:26The show that took the shame out of getting freaky.
00:07:29Or perhaps you know me from The White Lotus.
00:07:31The show where a guy...
00:07:33The show where a guy wanks off his brother
00:07:35and puts the shame right back in there.
00:07:39But,
00:07:39this is the first time I've ever stood on live television as myself.
00:07:44And honestly,
00:07:45I have been having stress dreams about this moment.
00:07:47Where I come out and just start talking gibberish.
00:07:51But thankfully,
00:07:52I libby their jubs barnacles,
00:07:53going to see beyond the floor in mid bar in Mundeo.
00:07:57Phew!
00:08:00Nailed it!
00:08:03Talking of powerful women making interesting noises,
00:08:07the writers have been asking me all week,
00:08:09Amy, what do you want to say in your monologue?
00:08:11And after a lot of long, hard thinking,
00:08:13the answer was simple.
00:08:15I want to scat.
00:08:17Like Kim Cattrall in that YouTube video.
00:08:24Oh,
00:08:26I'ma-kipi-yabo,
00:08:27ser-are-b Benny,
00:08:28Wengag,
00:08:29Letty-quoth.
00:08:30You're Jay!
00:08:31Salve-sur-ray!
00:08:39And I am aware that not everyone will get that reference,
00:08:42But I guarantee the five people that did will nominate me for the BAFTA P&O Cruises TV moment of
00:08:48the year
00:08:51It's very nice to show a different side of myself though because ever since I got famous all I ever
00:08:56hear is how
00:08:57Relatable I am how bubbly I am, but I'm here tonight to put those vicious rumors to rest
00:09:05Because you know what? I'm a freak
00:09:09I'm a weird lady
00:09:12The only thing bubbly about me is my IBS
00:09:20I'm a Scorpio moon for God's sake
00:09:24Okay, I once got a reading from an astrologer and she said sorry
00:09:31That's how intense my birth chart is
00:09:35No, seriously, I'm genuinely tapped into something other. It's not just horoscopes and auras
00:09:40I'm also mixing with the spiritual realm all the time for instance
00:09:43This is gonna sound very cocky, but in a past life. I was Derek Jarman the British artist
00:09:49And that's true because it came up in a regression, right?
00:09:53And in fact, I can tell anyone what they were in a past life. Okay, so I'm gonna do it
00:09:58now right now
00:09:59So we've got dog dog dog dog
00:10:03Oh, you were the Pope well done
00:10:07Dog dog and oh, hello
00:10:12Okay, yes you
00:10:16You were Pablo Escobar
00:10:19Bit of a bad boy, huh?
00:10:21I also carry crystals about like this one
00:10:26I make sure I always have it in my bra when I'm flying it protects me as long as the
00:10:30plane doesn't crash
00:10:34Look I know I may sound just like that fun Mancunian girl you lived in uni halls with
00:10:39Oh your cousin's super sweet partner with the job. You can't quite remember
00:10:45But I Amy Lou would I'm a certified card-carrying goddamn weirdo
00:10:58Right
00:11:04You've got a great show coming up for you tonight including music from meek
00:11:21Flip your world upside down you can't get her out of your mind
00:11:29Here's why
00:11:32Sing it my guy
00:11:33Yeah, she's dangerous all right
00:11:37But not just cause she's hot, she's also got red and poor hand-eye
00:11:43Coordination
00:11:44She's crazy clumsy, a gazelle all right
00:11:50Schooled in the wrong way in a biplane
00:11:54Flying someone elderly when she pops that champagne
00:11:58Watching her undress is its own kind of insane
00:12:02Headless horse machete
00:12:04A one woman hurricane
00:12:07Dangerous
00:12:08Ow!
00:12:10Ow!
00:12:10I have to take her out, now she's taking me out
00:12:14Ah!
00:12:15Dangerous!
00:12:16Baby, that hurt!
00:12:16Watch out!
00:12:18Watch out!
00:12:18She'll have you up on that baby
00:12:20Waiting round in A&E
00:12:22Dangerous!
00:12:24I try to keep things within safe limits
00:12:27It's a blow to my pride
00:12:30But now I wear a full-time helmet
00:12:34And my clothes had no ships
00:12:37With her hair and personality
00:12:39Zips and high ribs
00:12:41Dangerous!
00:12:42Ow!
00:12:43Love her!
00:12:44Things not what's wrong about this girl
00:12:46On 999 with Michael Book
00:12:48Who the f*** is Michael Book?
00:12:51My shirt is the canvas
00:12:53My food is the paint
00:12:54To stick with me, boy
00:12:56You need the patience of a saint
00:12:59When she's telling an anecdote
00:13:01About an accident
00:13:02You know she'll accidentally re-enact the accident again
00:13:07But she would get full regularly
00:13:10It's not the same with being a curse
00:13:13But it adds to the anarchy
00:13:16She'll say things like
00:13:17Sorry, I had to put a tampon in
00:13:18But now I think there might have been already one in there
00:13:20Ooh, that looks good
00:13:21Jesus!
00:13:23Woo!
00:13:23That's this rock and roll
00:13:25Way more drop and roll
00:13:28Dangerous!
00:13:29My bad
00:13:31Unfortunately, this gorgeous curse
00:13:33Is the best you've ever had
00:13:35But before she goes down on you
00:13:37You better sign that waiver
00:13:39And never let her go on time
00:13:42She'll say
00:13:43Don't worry, I got this
00:13:45But she absolutely does not
00:13:49I better get used to this life
00:13:51Cause I'm only gonna make this clumsy girl
00:13:56My wife
00:14:17We've arrived
00:14:20What is this place, Doctor?
00:14:22I had a feeling you might like it
00:14:25Welcome to Trexelor 5
00:14:27Home of the Great Time Library
00:14:29Incredible
00:14:31We're not in my relatable northern town anymore
00:14:35I've been looking for this for 16 lifetimes
00:14:38This is the home of the tree of knowledge
00:14:41A tree?
00:14:43In a spaceship?
00:14:44It's the only place that can keep it safe
00:14:46This tree fruits once every trillion years
00:14:49One taste of the tree's fruit
00:14:51Gives you the answer to any question you desire
00:14:53It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever experience
00:14:56Incredible
00:15:03What the fuck is that?
00:15:13That's the tree
00:15:16I'm gonna throw up in my mouth
00:15:17I mean, I mean
00:15:18It may not be conventionally attractive
00:15:21But
00:15:21I mean, why is it dripping?
00:15:23That's not a tree
00:15:23The name is allegorical
00:15:25This is an ancient creature of infinite wisdom
00:15:29A repository of a trillion years of kindness
00:15:32Empathy and intelligence
00:15:33Well, it looks like my HPV flare up
00:15:38You're being really disrespectful here, Ellen
00:15:40Do not offend the tree of knowledge
00:15:42No, I think we should kill it
00:15:43Do not threaten the tree
00:15:45Look, nobody's threatening the tree
00:15:46The doctor does not kill
00:15:50Oh, great
00:15:51Now it's farting
00:15:52No, no, no
00:15:52It's not farting
00:15:53It's talking
00:15:54It welcomes us
00:15:55Oh my god
00:15:58Sounds like me after bottomless brunch
00:16:00I'm allergic to champagne
00:16:02So it comes out of me like fizzy gravy
00:16:04Ellen
00:16:05Ellen
00:16:06Come on
00:16:07This is amazing
00:16:09Is it?
00:16:09You're having a genuinely incredible experience
00:16:12You always do this
00:16:13I don't
00:16:13Why can't you just take me somewhere nice?
00:16:15I took you to Jane Austen's house
00:16:17Yeah, and she's stank
00:16:19She's stank of old
00:16:21Well, everyone did before they invented Lynx Africa
00:16:24Yeah, look
00:16:24Why can't we just go to like Thorpe Park
00:16:27Before the accidents made it woke?
00:16:30Or the Arndale Centre for a bubble tea?
00:16:35Right, what's it saying now?
00:16:37It wants you to greet it
00:16:38Go on
00:16:39It's Mingy
00:16:39Oh
00:16:44Hi
00:16:44No, no
00:16:45You need to shake its hand
00:16:46I really don't want to do that
00:16:51You get the answer to all your biggest questions
00:16:54Don't you want to know where your dad is?
00:16:55The secret to happiness?
00:16:57Or what bra size you really are?
00:16:59Yeah, I do want to know that
00:17:00All of that
00:17:01Especially the bra thing
00:17:02Yes
00:17:03Erm
00:17:04Okay
00:17:04Hello Blob
00:17:06No, that's not his hand
00:17:07That's his tit
00:17:08Oh!
00:17:09Oh!
00:17:09His tit came off in my hand
00:17:11No, I am so sorry she pulled off your tit
00:17:13Oh my god
00:17:15Silence
00:17:16The tree is fruiting
00:17:18It is ready for you to suck its nectar and receive its knowledge
00:17:21No, no, no
00:17:23If that's the fruit I'm about to kick off
00:17:26Look
00:17:26Well
00:17:27It is the fruit
00:17:28And if you want the answers you must eat it
00:17:30Oh my god, no way
00:17:32I've seen Alien
00:17:33I'm not swallowing that
00:17:34And then having it burst out my fanny when I get home
00:17:36No
00:17:37No, it doesn't work like that
00:17:40Right, see ya
00:17:41I'm gonna go and watch some reels in the Tardis
00:17:43Fine
00:17:44Fine
00:17:44But don't vape in there
00:17:46I hate the smell of triple mango
00:17:48Triple mango?
00:17:49That's three mangoes
00:17:51Fine, I'll vape outside
00:17:52No
00:17:54What have you done?
00:17:55A single mango is poison enough to our people
00:17:59Oh god
00:18:00The tree
00:18:01It has lived three trillion millennia and now it's dying
00:18:05Shit
00:18:06Shit, Ellen, you killed them
00:18:07I can't be found here
00:18:08Oh my god
00:18:09Oh my god
00:18:10Quick, quick
00:18:11Stop
00:18:12Murderers
00:18:13Don't worry
00:18:14Don't worry
00:18:15The sonic screwdriver will wipe his memory and just
00:18:17Oh
00:18:20Oh
00:18:20Oh, Ellen
00:18:21Oh
00:18:22Oh, Ellen
00:18:23Ellen, I'm gonna go
00:18:24You know what the space cops will do if they find a black doctor at a crime scene
00:18:29It's not a good look, I'm telling ya
00:18:31I'll see you later, yeah, it was nice to meet you
00:18:33I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:34I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:36I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:40I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:42I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:42I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:43I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:44I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:48I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:49I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:51I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:52I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:53I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:55I need to start picking up white girls
00:18:58I need to start picking up white girls
00:19:00I need to start picking up white girls
00:19:18Princess! Princess!
00:19:20Princess, it's not a thing.
00:19:25Princess, you're my Maria!
00:19:28I'm home.
00:19:35Real nice, Mario.
00:19:37Three o'clock in the afternoon
00:19:39and you're already getting loaded.
00:19:41Oh, here we go again.
00:19:42I'm on my way.
00:19:43Why didn't you at work?
00:19:45The city run out of pipes to fix?
00:19:48I lost another job
00:19:50to the freaking Petroff brothers.
00:19:52Those Bulgarian sons of bitches.
00:19:55They always have the car to me.
00:19:56Enough with the Petroff brothers, okay?
00:19:59It's you, you're lazy.
00:20:01You're always off go-kartin'
00:20:03with that monkey who wears a tie
00:20:05and nothing else.
00:20:06You leave him alone.
00:20:08He's a decent guy.
00:20:09Whatever, Mario.
00:20:10I asked you to fix the garbage disposal
00:20:12three weeks ago
00:20:13and you still haven't got off
00:20:15your fat Italian ass
00:20:16and done it yet.
00:20:17I'm the fat ass.
00:20:18Oh, yeah.
00:20:19I'm the fat ass.
00:20:20Yeah.
00:20:20Look at this place, princess.
00:20:23What are we after
00:20:24you little fruity mushroom is heaven?
00:20:26What a rhyme around there
00:20:28before you do everything.
00:20:29You live like a pig.
00:20:30Oh, yeah.
00:20:31Well, how can I make this place nice
00:20:32when your freaking dog
00:20:34comes in here
00:20:35and wrecks it every five seconds?
00:20:37He's not a dog.
00:20:37He's a dinosaur.
00:20:39Okay, he's a pain in my ass
00:20:40is what he is.
00:20:41A pain in my ass.
00:20:42Oh, what I tell you.
00:20:44You cannot lock him in this room.
00:20:46He needs a 20-mile exercise a day.
00:20:49That's why I buy him
00:20:50a little red sneakers.
00:20:52I can't.
00:20:53I'm not one of these.
00:20:54I can't.
00:20:55I'm not one of these.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:56But guys, stay.
00:20:59I can't.
00:21:00I can't.
00:21:00I can't.
00:21:01Mario.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:03Don't you see?
00:21:04This is what I'm talking about.
00:21:05I can't live like this no more.
00:21:06Oh, well, maybe you should
00:21:07marry Luigi.
00:21:09Oh.
00:21:09I know you want to talk.
00:21:11Oh, Luigi, that's the tool.
00:21:13Oh, Luigi, you live in a mansion.
00:21:16Yeah.
00:21:17A mansion full of ghosts.
00:21:19Oh, yeah, well, at least
00:21:20the ghosts would chase me.
00:21:23What's that supposed to mean?
00:21:26Now you don't got to rescue me
00:21:28from no castles no more.
00:21:30Ha!
00:21:30You ain't interested.
00:21:32Why you got to do this?
00:21:33Why?
00:21:33Why do you go make everything so hard?
00:21:36That's the problem, Mario.
00:21:39I don't make nothing hard no more.
00:21:44Please, speech.
00:21:46I'ma take the mushroom to make me big.
00:21:50Oh.
00:21:52Oh.
00:21:52Oh, you're a big guy now.
00:21:54You're the big man, uh-huh.
00:21:55Right, OK.
00:21:56Well, you know, I spoke to Zelda
00:21:57the other day at the salon.
00:21:59Yeah?
00:22:00Link cannot get enough of her, OK?
00:22:03They did it five times on Saturday.
00:22:07Zelda?
00:22:08That's the Pilates.
00:22:10Oh.
00:22:11Listen to me, Mario.
00:22:13Just face it.
00:22:13You never wanted me, OK?
00:22:15You just wanted to be the guy
00:22:17that saved me from Big Bad Bowser.
00:22:19Stop it!
00:22:20I tell her you never mentioned
00:22:21how the scaleless and the bitch
00:22:23and them out of my house.
00:22:27What?
00:22:28Ma?
00:22:28What?
00:22:29Oh, wait.
00:22:31What?
00:22:31There's some bull there in there.
00:22:33Oh.
00:22:34Oh, who is he, the bitch?
00:22:36A Luigi?
00:22:37Oh, why is he, Wario?
00:22:39Oh, why you screw a Wario now?
00:22:41Mario, you're drunk.
00:22:42Stop it, you're crazy!
00:22:44There's some bull there in there.
00:22:46I'm going to jump up here and down.
00:22:50On his head.
00:22:51Mario, stop it.
00:22:52Come out of here.
00:22:53Stop it!
00:22:53Come out of here,
00:22:54figure the bootah.
00:22:55Light the gun.
00:22:57Oh, God.
00:23:01No.
00:23:09Sorry, Mario.
00:23:11God.
00:23:11The Petrov brothers say hello.
00:23:30Based on Enid Blyton's
00:23:32timeless children's stories,
00:23:34The Famous Five,
00:23:35I say, we are very adventurous.
00:23:39Comes a bold new Gen Z reboot.
00:23:44It's those same quaint 1950s adventures you vaguely remember from childhood,
00:23:49with Gen Z stuff shoehorned in.
00:23:52Would anyone care for a quampet?
00:23:54No, thank you. I'm full of vapes.
00:23:58Starring Amy Lou Wood as Anne,
00:24:01and Millie Bobby Blueby Blowne as George.
00:24:03And in this one, she's openly queer.
00:24:06The doctor diagnosed me with LGBTs.
00:24:08Type 1, lesbian.
00:24:10And Dick's played by Jaden Smith.
00:24:13I'm here doing PR for my whole family.
00:24:15Except one of the actor's contracts was watertight,
00:24:18so Julian is unfortunately exactly the same as in the books.
00:24:21Jolly watsits, a treasure map!
00:24:25Even Timmy the dog is non-binary.
00:24:28Come on, Timmy, come on.
00:24:30And they're played by Tom Holland.
00:24:35The telegraph calls it overstimulating and underwritten.
00:24:39I'm addicted to my phone.
00:24:41Personally, I can't stop scrolling.
00:24:44And the commissioner says,
00:24:46Look, we know it's a low point.
00:24:48It's based on pre-existing IP,
00:24:49and we're really scraping the barrel now.
00:24:51And they talk about World War II like you talk about COVID.
00:24:55It's relatable.
00:24:56World War II was so mid.
00:24:58So true, Thween.
00:25:00And I returned from World War II with ADHD.
00:25:03Can we please paddle to shore?
00:25:06I love paddle.
00:25:11The stories your granny loved,
00:25:13but now the characters are f***ing exhausting.
00:25:17Turn the big light off.
00:25:18I hate the big light.
00:25:19It's a toy.
00:25:20I feel like I'm an A and E.
00:25:22Hmm.
00:25:22Vibes.
00:25:23Why are you letting them say this stuff?
00:25:26Oh, little fleabag moment.
00:25:28I live with brand-new mysteries.
00:25:31This tunnel should lead directly to Old Nonce Manor.
00:25:34But they suck it permanently.
00:25:36Can't I just tunnel from home?
00:25:38So there isn't really any plot.
00:25:41Guys?
00:25:42Complete with a brand-new Gen Z villain.
00:25:45A landlord.
00:25:46Hands off.
00:25:47I'm here to paint over your black merle.
00:25:49Stand back or we'll unalive you.
00:25:53No one's saying it works,
00:25:55but everyone's saying it's out soon.
00:25:58I'm laughing.
00:25:59I'm laughing right now.
00:26:01I'm literally dead.
00:26:03I never had to have seen you.
00:26:06I didn't like today.
00:26:08Coming soon to TikTok in their second chance.
00:26:13APPLAUSE
00:26:19Hi.
00:26:20Hi.
00:26:21Yeah, I think I left my suitcase here yesterday.
00:26:24OK, can you describe it?
00:26:25Yeah, it's a black rectangle on wheels.
00:26:29This one?
00:26:30Oh, thank God.
00:26:31Yes.
00:26:32OK, before I hand it over for security reasons,
00:26:34I do have to ask you what's inside.
00:26:37OK.
00:26:38OK, this is going to sound bad.
00:26:40Right.
00:26:41And I promise it's not for here.
00:26:43But it is a bomb.
00:26:49Ah!
00:26:51You crazy bitch!
00:26:53So stop it, I'm screaming!
00:26:55OK, so obviously, inquiring minds need to know.
00:26:58Do you plan to harm someone with this?
00:27:00Because if so, I'm going to have to fill out an instant form
00:27:02and go, you know, I don't have a pen.
00:27:03Yeah, no.
00:27:04Obviously, I'm not trying to kill anyone.
00:27:06I'm not a man.
00:27:09I'm crying laughing.
00:27:12OK, but seriously, what is it for?
00:27:14OK, you're never going to guess.
00:27:17The Zara changing room!
00:27:19Ah!
00:27:21It's mirrors!
00:27:22Stop it!
00:27:23Stop it!
00:27:24I'm going to literally kill you.
00:27:25No, no, no, I'm going to win.
00:27:27I'm going to win.
00:27:28I'm going to win.
00:27:28Oh, my God.
00:27:29I love you.
00:27:30I love you.
00:27:32OK, tell me why I'm going into those changing rooms
00:27:34with my arms full of jeans
00:27:35and I'm leaving with my eyes full of tears.
00:27:37Yes, tell me why I'm going in there
00:27:39with my arms full of crop tops
00:27:40and leaving with plans to bomb it
00:27:42in the dead of the night.
00:27:43Those things are similar.
00:27:44Yes!
00:27:45OK, three words.
00:27:47You, me, hanging out after this.
00:27:49Yeah, oh, my God.
00:27:50Obviously.
00:27:51OK.
00:27:51OK, I'm just going to grab that case.
00:27:53Oh, oh.
00:27:54Yeah, so on that,
00:27:55I'm so sorry not to be a fun sponge,
00:27:57OK, but now I know there's a bomb in there.
00:27:58I can't give it to you.
00:28:00OK.
00:28:00I'm on such thin ice with my boss
00:28:01because I've been eating his lunch every day.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:04But can I be a bitch for a second?
00:28:06OK, my favourite sentence in the whole world.
00:28:09I'm just going to snatch it and run anyway, OK?
00:28:11No, don't.
00:28:12No, I am.
00:28:14Oh, my God.
00:28:15Oh, my God, no, no, no.
00:28:18Excuse me, do you work here?
00:28:21No, I'm dressed like this because I like it.
00:28:25Hello?
00:28:26Turn on your brain.
00:28:27Turn on your brain.
00:28:28It's like...
00:28:30I'll just go ask someone else.
00:28:32You guys seem like really good friends.
00:28:36Oh, thank you.
00:28:40OK, I have something to tell you, all right?
00:28:43This cardigan, it's Zara.
00:28:45Oh, God.
00:28:46And I also have something to confess.
00:28:48I've never told anyone this, but I'm gay.
00:28:56Wait.
00:28:57Wait.
00:28:58Wait.
00:28:59Hang on.
00:29:01Oh, my God, girl.
00:29:02What?
00:29:03Girl.
00:29:04What?
00:29:04This isn't a bomb.
00:29:06It's a George Foreman grill.
00:29:16I can't believe I said that joke earlier about me being gay.
00:29:19Yeah.
00:29:25So we still hanging out later?
00:29:27Well, it's...
00:29:28It's just...
00:29:29Oh, God, this is so awkward.
00:29:31Um, but no.
00:29:32Uh, I already have loads of friends.
00:29:35Like, for example, I've got my uni girls, my Camp America girls, my National Youth Theatre
00:29:39girls.
00:29:40Oh, OK, yeah, so we just had a near-death experience together, but I guess that means nothing?
00:29:45Go, I low-key think you should just take the grill and go, because you're actually pissing me off.
00:29:48Oh, yeah, sure, fine.
00:29:51Oh.
00:29:55The guy at Lost Property is gay.
00:29:57No!
00:30:14Ladies and gentlemen, it's me.
00:30:24I just got my heart broken
00:30:26But I look way too fabulous
00:30:28Yeah, I'm back in therapy
00:30:30I look way too fabulous
00:30:32Touched my money
00:30:34But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:30:36I ain't sad
00:30:38I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:30:40The bigger my tears
00:30:42The bigger my lashes
00:30:43The curls in my head
00:30:45The bigger the heat
00:30:46The harder I feel
00:30:47The less than I care
00:30:49The bigger it hurts
00:30:50Well, baby, I wish what I'm feeling
00:30:52You love
00:30:53If you know, you know
00:30:56I just got my heart broken
00:30:58But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:00Yeah, I'm back in therapy
00:31:02But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:04I'm texting my money
00:31:06But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:08I ain't sad
00:31:10I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:31:12I'm in a barrage
00:31:14Tragedy and Versace
00:31:16I'm like Mother Harry
00:31:18Keep secrets of embody
00:31:20Oh, ain't it the way
00:31:23It's always the fish
00:31:25Who fight the hardest
00:31:27What a shame
00:31:29Slay to be slain
00:31:31Promise you'll dance in those
00:31:34Stilettos on my grave
00:31:37May say beauty is pain
00:31:41But when I feel beautiful
00:31:43I only feel the way
00:31:48I just got my heart broken
00:31:50But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:52Yes, I'm back in therapy
00:31:54But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:56I'm texting my money
00:31:58But I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:00I ain't sad
00:32:02I ain't sad, I'm just feel
00:32:03I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:14I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:20I just got my heart broken back
00:32:22I'm too fabulous
00:32:24Yes, I'm back in therapy
00:32:26I'm too fabulous
00:32:28The tax man's in my mind, but I'm
00:32:31I'm too fabulous
00:32:33I ain't tired, I'm just feeling
00:32:35We're too fabulous
00:32:36Bigger my teeth, the bigger my lashes, the curls in my hair
00:32:41Bigger the hair, the harder I look and the less that I care
00:32:44Deeper it hurts, I'll be there much what I feel I deserve
00:32:49Yeah
00:32:50Cause I feel way too fabulous
00:33:24It's Weekend Update
00:33:26With Anja Magliano
00:33:28And Paddy Young
00:33:37Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
00:33:41And I'm Anja Magliano
00:33:46This week, King Charles and Queen Camilla made their first official state visit to Washington DC
00:33:51As part of the trip, Charles presented the president with an engraved bell
00:33:56Ideally, Trump will wear the bell on a collar like a cat
00:34:00To warn young women that he's approaching
00:34:05During the trip, the couples used coordinated fashion to project unity between the two nations
00:34:11Camilla, seen here wearing Diana's Horcrux
00:34:22Attended the state dinner in a bespoke fuchsia gown
00:34:25The colour of her dress complemented both Melania's strapless pastel gown
00:34:30And King Charles' iconic hot pink fingers
00:34:36As she welcomed the royal party to the White House
00:34:39Melania greeted the king with a kiss
00:34:41Clicking her jaw against his to spell out save me in Morse Cove
00:34:46In Virginia, the king and queen watched a clog dancing performance from a group of Appalachian mountain folk
00:34:52Inbred over generations to the point of physical deformity
00:34:55Charles and Camilla enjoyed the clog dance
00:35:02Throughout the state visit, press coverage of the conversations between the leaders
00:35:06Has been extremely guarded
00:35:08So, to give us the inside scoop on what exactly was said
00:35:11Here's a professional lip reader
00:35:21Thanks for having me Anya
00:35:22So, you're a professional lip reader
00:35:26Sure
00:35:30Okay, so can you take us through what they're saying in this clip?
00:35:33Absolutely
00:35:34Okay, so
00:35:37Okay, here's a question
00:35:38Would you rather prone growing out of your neck or no neck at all?
00:35:43Can I eat the prawn?
00:35:45Can I eat the prawn?
00:35:45No way
00:35:45Sorry to interrupt
00:35:47Is that definitely what they were saying?
00:35:50Yeah
00:35:51I lip-readed it
00:35:54I'm a professional lip reader
00:35:59Oh, okay
00:36:00I can see in your eyes you're not convinced Anya
00:36:02It's okay
00:36:02Play another clip
00:36:05Okay, so we've got two ladies here
00:36:06I'm not familiar with their work
00:36:09I'm not familiar with their work
00:36:10But they're saying
00:36:11Our hats are mad, right?
00:36:14Tell me about it
00:36:16What's your favourite crisps?
00:36:18For me, squares all day
00:36:20Squares all day
00:36:22You're mad, girl
00:36:24I like McCoys
00:36:25Because they're rigid
00:36:26You get more flavour
00:36:27Because of the ridges
00:36:28Okay, okay
00:36:28I think I have to stop
00:36:30You've come on saying you're a professional lip reader
00:36:33But you are clearly making it up
00:36:34Anya, please
00:36:35I need this
00:36:37Please
00:36:38Please
00:36:38One more chance
00:36:39One more chance
00:36:40One more chance
00:36:42One more chance
00:36:43One more chance
00:37:00Okay
00:37:00Here we go
00:37:02Have you seen Euphoria Series 3?
00:37:06It's shit
00:37:07Okay
00:37:07That's it
00:37:08You're out of here
00:37:09Guy who I swear told me
00:37:10He was a professional lip reader, everyone
00:37:20On Saturday, a gunman stormed the White House correspondence dinner in Washington
00:37:25For all those in attendance, it was an undeniably terrifying event.
00:37:29President Donald Trump shat himself.
00:37:31Then, minutes later, the shots rang out.
00:37:38The host for the evening's event was magician and mind reader Oz Perlman,
00:37:44who you can see here, using the power of his mind to clamp my vagina shut.
00:37:51In the aftermath of the shooting, First Lady Melania Trump was quick to admonish people
00:37:56for making light of the situation.
00:37:58We're real people, she said, blinking sideways.
00:38:05Newly elected Green MP Hannah Spencer has said it is shocking that, quote,
00:38:09you can smell the alcohol when people are in between votes in Parliament.
00:38:13In response, Speaker of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle said,
00:38:16I bloody love you, you mad bastard.
00:38:20Oi, oi, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.
00:38:23Is that my knob having a piss?
00:38:32In a new attempt to keep Angela Rayner out of number 10,
00:38:36a group of Labour MPs have launched a campaign entitled Anyone But Ange.
00:38:41And if you don't know, Anyone But Ange is also who you ask for at the bar
00:38:45if your date is going amazingly.
00:38:52Reform leader and your dad's favourite cam girl, Nigel Farage,
00:38:57is in hot water over failing to declare a £5 million donation from Christopher Harbourn,
00:39:02a Thai-based crypto billionaire.
00:39:04If found negligent by the Electoral Commission,
00:39:06Farage could face an email of up to 400 words.
00:39:12Reformers said that the £5 million donation from Harbourn wasn't political
00:39:16and didn't have to be declared because it was a purely personal gift.
00:39:20Now, we can't say for certain what the payment was for,
00:39:23but for £5 million, Nigel must have been providing some sort of valuable service.
00:39:28And that's why Nigel Farage is my Power Bottom of the Week.
00:39:38A postal worker in Somerset has found a nest of pigeons living under his van.
00:39:43It's mad.
00:39:45Pigeons used to carry the post, and now the post carries the pigeons.
00:39:49What a crazy, mixed-up world we live in, folks.
00:39:53What was that?
00:39:55Sorry, I need to speak to my writers.
00:40:00Oi! You call that a joke?
00:40:02Do you want me to throw the dogs back in?
00:40:04Do you?
00:40:09Sorry about that.
00:40:12Local elections will take place on May the 7th.
00:40:17Here to discuss them, it's Larry Dean!
00:40:26Larry, how do you see these local elections going?
00:40:29Well, Paddy, I don't know anything about politics,
00:40:31but what I do know is people, right?
00:40:33So I've travelled all around the world,
00:40:35and I've found that you can tell how a person votes by how they talk.
00:40:39For example, in America, you can tell how someone votes from their mouth, right?
00:40:43So if they're from, like, a blue democratic state,
00:40:46they will show you exactly what they're saying.
00:40:51But as soon as you hit those red republican areas,
00:40:54they'll stop moving the mouth forward again.
00:40:59I think the reason why is they're usually saying something horrendously racist or homophobic,
00:41:04and they don't want anybody lip-reading them,
00:41:06knowing they're the one that just said it.
00:41:13And how can you tell how British people are going to vote?
00:41:16Well, in London, right, usually, Paddy, it's like a posture thing, right?
00:41:20So if you're a Labour working class voter, you're going to be a lot more limp.
00:41:23Like, even the jaw muscles loose, probably from all the ketamine they've been having.
00:41:29And if you're a London Tory voter, your posture will be stiffer, right?
00:41:34And probably from all the Pilates and flinching whenever their father walks in the room.
00:41:41The number one rule, though, is if you're a posh Londoner,
00:41:43you're not allowed to show any emotion until you're finished your sentence.
00:41:55Who am I voting for?
00:41:57Well, I do like the idea of tax cuts, but I don't want to seem selfish, so...
00:42:00Liberal Democrat? Ooh.
00:42:03And, er, how can you tell if someone votes Green?
00:42:06Oh, don't worry, Paddy, they'll tell you.
00:42:10And, er...
00:42:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:42:14What about Scotland?
00:42:16Well, in Scotland, you know how, when you get older,
00:42:18you become more right-wing, right?
00:42:20That's why I think the Tories and Reform will never win in Scotland,
00:42:23because we don't live long enough.
00:42:24LAUGHTER
00:42:26Fascinating.
00:42:26And tell me, Larry, how do they vote in China?
00:42:31That's all for me, mate. Thanks very much.
00:42:33LAUGHTER
00:42:34That is it, everyone!
00:42:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:42:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:42:43In big TV news, the line-up for the next series of Celebrity Traitors
00:42:48was announced this morning.
00:42:49It features plenty of exciting castings,
00:42:52including Maya Jammer, James Acaster,
00:42:55and fan-favourite Supreme Leader Ayatollah Hominy.
00:42:58LAUGHTER
00:43:00I'll be honest, I didn't really like the Celebrity Traitors.
00:43:03That's why I call all those pigs who turn their back on Greg Wallace.
00:43:08LAUGHTER
00:43:10LAUGHTER
00:43:11Scientists are trialling a new scanning technique
00:43:13that could help diagnose endometriosis.
00:43:17This completely non-invasive procedure
00:43:19will be available to women nationwide,
00:43:20just as soon as doctors work out how to make it incredibly painful.
00:43:24LAUGHTER
00:43:25In Pompeii, archaeologists have discovered the remains of a Roman
00:43:29who fled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius,
00:43:32holding a bowl over his head.
00:43:33If there's anything worse than a volcanic eruption,
00:43:36it's a volcanic eruption while getting a haircut from your mum.
00:43:39LAUGHTER
00:43:40New data shows that breast reduction surgery
00:43:43has become more common than breast implant surgery.
00:43:47And both options are far more popular than what I went for.
00:43:50One of each.
00:43:51LAUGHTER
00:43:52Business? Pleasure.
00:43:54LAUGHTER
00:43:55In the last few weeks, at least five people in Southport
00:43:59have overdosed on contaminated heroin.
00:44:02So, if you're in Southport and taking heroin...
00:44:04Sorry, what do I mean, if?
00:44:06LAUGHTER
00:44:07LAUGHTER
00:44:09A new survey...
00:44:12LAUGHTER
00:44:13LAUGHTER
00:44:14A new survey has found that 39% of young Brits
00:44:17who still live with their parents
00:44:19say it affects how often they have sex.
00:44:21So, if you want to keep having sex with your parents, move out!
00:44:25LAUGHTER
00:44:25You'll get the spark back, trust me.
00:44:28LAUGHTER
00:44:30A West Ham supporter shocked other train passengers travelling to the game
00:44:33after preparing a steak dinner in the carriage with a pair of hair straighteners.
00:44:38LAUGHTER
00:44:38When asked by his friends if he ran into any trouble on the way to the game,
00:44:41he told them,
00:44:42there was a bit of beef, but I straightened it out.
00:44:47LAUGHTER
00:44:48LAUGHTER
00:44:48I told you, I told you, I told you!
00:44:53LAUGHTER
00:44:55LAUGHTER
00:44:55LAUGHTER
00:44:55Ryanair boss, Michael O'Leary, has warned European airlines could go bust
00:44:59as the Iran war causes a surge in jet fuel prices.
00:45:03Here to comment on the increased cost of flying,
00:45:05a woman who's been invited to her fourth destination wedding this year,
00:45:08Aya Wadi Ban Boi!
00:45:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:45:15I can't live like this.
00:45:17LAUGHTER
00:45:18War rages on, famine, floods.
00:45:21You mean to tell me that with all these goings on,
00:45:24your best foot forward is a wedding in Sardinia?
00:45:27LAUGHTER
00:45:27The hairdos in Ibiza, that's another £900.
00:45:30I've dipped into my pension so we can make some TikToks.
00:45:34LAUGHTER
00:45:34These places aren't cheap!
00:45:36You can't just not go.
00:45:38You can't just not go. Shut up!
00:45:41LAUGHTER
00:45:41Shut up!
00:45:42How do you think that's going to play out?
00:45:43I'm the villain if I say I don't want to watch your 98-year-old grandma
00:45:47get a plane, a ferry and a bus, I don't!
00:45:49She's not going to make it!
00:45:51LAUGHTER
00:45:51What if you just treat it like a holiday?
00:45:53What do you think?
00:45:55LAUGHTER
00:45:55I don't want to go to Marrakesh, it's not on my list!
00:46:00Whatever happened to just getting married down the road?
00:46:03Whatever happened to white feminism?
00:46:05Marriage is actually an outdated institution
00:46:06that upholds patriarchal structure.
00:46:08LAUGHTER
00:46:09Emma Watson! Emma Watson, where are you?
00:46:15Are you saying you shouldn't get married at all?
00:46:18When did I say, let a woman speak!
00:46:20LAUGHTER
00:46:21Marriage is essential, especially as it pertains to the transference of assets,
00:46:25probate and inheritance tax.
00:46:26Not my words, but the words of Martin Lewis, money-saving expert.
00:46:30LAUGHTER
00:46:30The greatest man alive today.
00:46:33LAUGHTER
00:46:33Is this still about destination weddings?
00:46:35Martin Lewis, please, I'm saving myself for you.
00:46:38LAUGHTER
00:46:38All right, welcome, my boy, everybody!
00:46:40CHEERING
00:46:42For Weekend Update, I'm part of you!
00:46:44And all right, welcome, Leona, goodnight!
00:46:46CHEERING
00:46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:46:58Which I'm sorta sure is?
00:47:01Yeah!
00:47:06Come on, everyone!
00:47:06كلубrico!ä¸åœ‹éšŠ
00:47:06If you
00:47:07weren't TWO! YOU CO
00:47:08resource. Always the
00:47:08King, oh ma ma
00:47:09ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma
00:47:12ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma
00:47:16ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma
00:47:16ma ma champion!ichi ben t
00:47:23Oh
00:47:27Hello Archie hey bugbee
00:47:31You're right bacon Archie bugbear
00:47:35Awkward yours is awkward. I heard sprinkly pulled you for a chart cripsy. Oh really not gonna lie kind of
00:47:43orcs. Yeah, it was awkward
00:47:46Archie bacon do you mind if bugbee, and I have a moment we'll leave you to her
00:47:54It's good to see you guys good to see you too. This is awkward
00:48:00Hello you too
00:48:03Sprinkly
00:48:06Nice one mate
00:48:10Sprinkly cripsy bugbear. Well, this is awkward
00:48:15Sprinkly mate don't take the purse have you guys hooked up yes or no
00:48:21We have it was like one time may know you must be taking the arch will pass
00:48:29Friggers mippy mood bacon again. Hello you
00:48:34This is awkward
00:48:38Yeah, okay bugbee yeah to be fair with you for the sprinkling crips is ruined my life
00:48:43Can I have a moment with sprinkly please we'll leave you guys to our nice one sprinkly you fucking rodent
00:48:56You look butters today
00:48:58Cheers
00:49:00This is awkward
00:49:02How is Hong Kong never been there?
00:49:05Fair
00:49:06Did you sleep with bacon?
00:49:09Yeah, probably
00:49:10Oh
00:49:11Hello butt cheeks
00:49:14Bacon again
00:49:15Butt cheeks
00:49:17This is awkward
00:49:19Movie move sprinkly
00:49:24Bacon I heard you got a job
00:49:29Take that back
00:49:31Take that back
00:49:32Bacon, Sprinkly, could I have a movie please mate?
00:49:36Of course mate, we'll leave you to her
00:49:38Of course mate, we'll leave you to her
00:49:54Shut up
00:49:54Shut up butt cheeks you bloody liar
00:49:57You must be taking the actual place
00:50:01Did you or didn't you frig friggers and sprinkly up the back side?
00:50:05Mate, this is awkward
00:50:06Me, friggers and crips are just me
00:50:08Did you or didn't you, yes or no?
00:50:14You must be taking the actual person
00:50:18You were too mad
00:50:18I'm really upset
00:50:20I'm really upset
00:50:20I'll leave you to her
00:50:22Mippy move, Crapsy, Landowner, Boccheeks, I'm bacon
00:50:27Boccheeks, bacon again
00:50:29Bacon, we'll leave you to her
00:50:34You're taking the actual pass, Landi Mippy move is really upset
00:50:38I'll leave you to her
00:50:40Crick
00:50:41Mika the boo
00:50:42Crick
00:50:42Crick
00:50:43Crick
00:50:43Crick
00:50:43Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:44Crick
00:50:46Buffy
00:50:48Buffy
00:50:51Buffy
00:50:51Wait, who the F are you?
00:50:54Um, Michael
00:50:57Monty?
00:50:58No, Michael
00:51:00What the Earth do you want, Michael?
00:51:03I've been trying to get my mother's corpse into that ambulance for the past five minutes
00:51:08Could you please move aside
00:51:10Yeah, fair mate
00:51:14We'll leave you guys to it
00:51:20Wash git
00:51:28This is awkward
00:51:41Fancy another one
00:51:45It's me!
00:52:00Yes, I like a drink and I still smoke cigarettes
00:52:04Yes, I'm so uncool and I don't have many friends
00:52:10Yes, I'm what they call a lost cause but then again
00:52:14Ah, ah, ah
00:52:16I was born for a different audience
00:52:19We, glorious freaks
00:52:23Beautiful nightmares in feathers and beads
00:52:27Ah, ah, ah
00:52:30Live to be queens
00:52:33World full of weirdos and sinners like me
00:52:40Na, na na na na
00:52:42Na na na na na
00:52:45Na na na na
00:52:47We're beautiful friends
00:52:51Na na na na
00:52:55Na na na na
00:52:58We're beautiful, yes
00:53:02I'm well aware everybody's gonna judge me
00:53:05I guess I might as well make the world my wrong way
00:53:10Yes, it's coming through and it won't be quietly
00:53:17As I was supposed to make a little trick
00:53:26Better than peace, with you and for free
00:53:36As sinners like me
00:53:40Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
00:53:48With you in for free
00:53:51Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
00:54:00na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
00:54:03na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
00:54:04na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
00:54:06na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
00:54:07na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
00:54:17We're beautiful, we're beautiful freaks.
00:54:56Got what it takes, my wife, got friends round, got roast pork for lunch.
00:55:01Plenty of taste, British pork, great value for money.
00:55:05Fred's got plenty and Arthur's got plenty.
00:55:08We've all got plenty.
00:55:10Plenty to go round.
00:55:11My wife's got what it takes.
00:55:12British pork, what's it got?
00:55:15It's got the lot.
00:55:17We've got pork for lunch on Sunday.
00:55:19Okay, cut.
00:55:21Great work, Tony.
00:55:23Thank you very much.
00:55:24Really good.
00:55:25Guys, if we get this right, 1984 will be a landmark year for British pork.
00:55:30Small thing though, the British pork ball is now under new management.
00:55:34Big change at the top and the new team are keen to go in a more frightening direction with the
00:55:40advert.
00:55:41What, frightening?
00:55:42Yes, they're hoping to frighten people into eating more British pork.
00:55:46Seems like a risky strategy.
00:55:48Yeah, well, a few of the board members are in today.
00:55:50Do you want to give them a wave?
00:55:52Oh, oh, hello, hello, everyone.
00:55:55So let's run it again from the top.
00:55:58Tony, I hate to give you a line read.
00:56:00I think your first line is more like, um, got what it takes, my wife.
00:56:05What, like a dark rage?
00:56:08Like, got what it takes, my wife.
00:56:10Got friends round, got roast pork for lunch.
00:56:12That's it, I think.
00:56:13That, that, that, that, that, that seems, that seems extreme.
00:56:15Well, the pork ball are loving it.
00:56:24Just an idea.
00:56:26Feel free to shoot me down.
00:56:28Er, but why doesn't Tony do all the lines?
00:56:31I don't know about that.
00:56:32It might come across like a, well, a monologue full of hatred and menace.
00:56:36Well, that's what we're going for, I think.
00:56:38Yeah.
00:56:38Er, what, what would you be doing then, sorry?
00:56:40Well, well, I thought that maybe I could pour the gravy and sort of look at him like this.
00:56:45Oh, God.
00:56:45Yeah.
00:56:48Oh, jeez, love, yeah, that's brilliant.
00:56:50I've got chills from that.
00:56:51Ew, ew, ew.
00:56:52Um, and Arthur, can you match that energy, do you reckon?
00:56:55Um, yeah, maybe something along the lanes of...
00:57:01Perfect, perfect, perfect.
00:57:02Mwah.
00:57:03Question about the music in the background.
00:57:05Yeah, I was going to say, maybe we'll lose the music.
00:57:07Okay.
00:57:07Yeah, and instead of us talking, we mind the conversation so we can hear Tony's horrible monologue.
00:57:14Oh, well, yeah, but then when everyone's just eating in silence.
00:57:17Hmm.
00:57:17What if we, um, clattered our cutlery on the plates really loudly, then it wouldn't be silent.
00:57:22Oh, yeah.
00:57:22You know, like this.
00:57:22Sort of like.
00:57:24Yeah, and move your mouths as well, so.
00:57:27Yeah, that's nasty, I love it, really nasty.
00:57:29I mean, I've never seen the port port so happen.
00:57:40And I think that's the reaction we're looking for, really.
00:57:43Great suggestions, everyone. Let's go for a take, shall we?
00:57:45OK, everybody ready? And action!
00:57:48Got what it takes, my wife.
00:57:50Got friends around.
00:57:52Got roast pork for lunch.
00:57:57Stay in it, Tony, stay in it.
00:57:58Plenty of tea, British pork.
00:58:01Real value for money.
00:58:03Bread's got plenty.
00:58:04There they are.
00:58:04It's got plenty with pork.
00:58:05Got plenty. I'm sorry, that just seems...
00:58:07That seems insane to me.
00:58:09Stop, stop, stop.
00:58:10That seems really mad.
00:58:11Take two minutes, everyone, Tony.
00:58:13I'm sorry, everyone. I don't mean to be a bother.
00:58:15Ahem.
00:58:16Classic Tony.
00:58:17So, Tony.
00:58:19The way I'm seeing it, as far as I'm concerned, right,
00:58:22the pork's in the oven, OK?
00:58:24The crackling is crisping up real nice.
00:58:26All it needs, just a little bit of seasoning,
00:58:29and that's where you come in, all right?
00:58:40What are you talking about?
00:58:42I am talking about pork, Tony.
00:58:45It's always been about the pork.
00:58:47It's time to join the conversation, OK?
00:58:50Now, are you going to join the conversation, right?
00:58:52Or are we going to have to go elsewhere
00:58:54and start talking to someone else?
00:58:55Because there's thousands
00:58:56of scary-looking old blokes out there
00:58:58who would give their left nuts
00:58:59to be standing where you're standing right now.
00:59:01No, I can do it.
00:59:02I can do it. I can do it.
00:59:04OK.
00:59:04I can do it.
00:59:05I know that, Tony, right?
00:59:07The pork board know that.
00:59:11It's time for you to show that to the world, OK?
00:59:14OK, OK, OK.
00:59:16Yeah?
00:59:17I can do this.
00:59:18You can do this.
00:59:18All right.
00:59:19Places, everyone.
00:59:20Tony, head of the table, ready to carve.
00:59:22In three, two, one.
00:59:23Action!
00:59:24Got what it takes, my wife.
00:59:26Got friends round.
00:59:28Got roast pork for lunch.
00:59:31Real value for money.
00:59:34Friends got plenty?
00:59:36Martha's got plenty.
00:59:37We've all got plenty.
00:59:39Thank you to go round, my wife.
00:59:42Got what it takes.
00:59:43It's British pork.
00:59:45What's it got?
00:59:46It's got the lot.
00:59:48Got pork for lunch, Tony?
00:59:56My biggest thanks to me,
00:59:58and a huge thank you to the cast writers,
01:00:01Bonnie the Dog.
01:00:02Happy birthday, Danny,
01:00:03and everyone working on the show
01:00:05for making this such a great week.
01:00:07It's been so amazing to host SNL UK.
01:00:11Good night!
01:00:13tiver him or something,
01:00:21if he canta answer to the next day,
01:00:21Matt.
Comments