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00:00:03At this moment, somewhere over the Atlantic.
00:00:15Oh, Charles.
00:00:17Charles, you did such a smashing job with your speech to Congress.
00:00:21After that, there's no way Donald Trump will do anything weird or bad ever again.
00:00:28Mission accomplished, Camilla. Still, I'm glad to be heading home.
00:00:34I just hate being in any country where my mummy's not on the money.
00:00:39Come on now, Charles. America's not so bad.
00:00:42They've got hot dogs, Reese's Pieces, and best of all, legal weed gummies.
00:00:49Don't tell anybody, but I'm sneaking some through customs in my tummy.
00:00:55Camilla, you minx.
00:01:00Ladies and gentlemen, the in-flight meal is about to be served.
00:01:02Please return your seats to the upright position.
00:01:05Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?
00:01:08Could we possibly have a bit of heat?
00:01:10We don't do that.
00:01:14Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain speaking.
00:01:17We're currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet.
00:01:20Time in the UK is 10.02pm.
00:01:23And we're turning around and going all the way back to America.
00:01:26Did you hear that, hubby? They're turning the plane around!
00:01:30What the devil?
00:01:31Captain, I demand this plane return to Britain!
00:01:35I'm afraid I can't do that, Your Majesty.
00:01:39Because, you see...
00:01:42It's me!
00:01:45Sir Keir Starmer!
00:01:54Sir Keir, what in the blazes are you doing here?
00:01:58Unless I've very much mistaken, Your Majesty.
00:02:01I've hijacked the royal plane!
00:02:03Sir Keir, land this plane at once!
00:02:07No can do, Queenie.
00:02:09You see, I was dusting off some of my old legal textbooks
00:02:13and I came across a rather intriguing statute.
00:02:16Did you know that a Prime Minister cannot be removed
00:02:19while the monarch is out of the country?
00:02:26So you thought you'd save your premiership with this dastardly plan?
00:02:30What other choice did I have?
00:02:32Doing a good job?
00:02:33Huh!
00:02:35Grow up!
00:02:38Sir Keir, I commend you by order of the king...
00:02:41The king of what, Charles?
00:02:43The king of the clouds?
00:02:46You have no power up here!
00:02:51So long as we keep circling the skies!
00:02:55I keep being Prime Minister!
00:02:58Hey, Sir Keir!
00:03:00I've got a question.
00:03:02Chicken or fist?
00:03:09A name's flight attendant, but why?
00:03:12Because I do have a name, Your Majesty.
00:03:15You see, it's me...
00:03:19Angela Rayner!
00:03:24Angela Rayner?
00:03:30Yes, and I'm taking us home
00:03:33because I've been looking through some old legal textbooks
00:03:36and I've realised if you're not in the country,
00:03:39then I can't do...
00:03:42this thing I'm planning.
00:03:44Hey, Rayner,
00:03:46please return your body to the downright position.
00:03:51I'm not letting this plane get back to Britain
00:03:53because, you see, it's me.
00:03:59Paul Selby!
00:04:04Are we supposed to know who that is?
00:04:08Not at all.
00:04:10I'm not famous.
00:04:11I'm the one member of the British public
00:04:13who loves Keir Starmer.
00:04:15That's right, I was indoctrinated online
00:04:17by the radical centre-left
00:04:18and now I'm in charge of this plane
00:04:21and nothing...
00:04:22nothing...
00:04:26I knew there was something fishy about that chap.
00:04:30That's why right after take-off
00:04:32I secretly slipped in 47 of your weed gummies, darling.
00:04:35Oh, Charles!
00:04:37Like I've always said,
00:04:39you come for the king,
00:04:40you best not miss.
00:04:44Now, baby,
00:04:45get in the cockpit
00:04:46and take the plane home
00:04:48because...
00:04:49Life of London
00:04:51is Saturday night!
00:05:01It's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:07With...
00:05:09Manly Amishal!
00:05:16Ayawade Bramboye!
00:05:23Larry Dean!
00:05:30Celeste Brigg!
00:05:35George Foreacos
00:05:41Anya Magliano
00:05:47Annabelle Marlowe
00:05:52Al Nash
00:05:58Jack Sheff
00:06:04Emma Sidney
00:06:12Javi Young
00:06:18Musical guest, Lee
00:06:25And your host, Amy Lewis
00:06:39Ladies and Gentleman, Amy Lewis
00:06:58Thank you, thank you, thank you, I'm Amy Lee Wooden, I'm so excited to be hosting SNL again, and I
00:07:08am the first northern host.
00:07:13Shout out to the Stockport Hat Museum.
00:07:16Yes!
00:07:19Oh, seriously, it is a huge honour to be here tonight.
00:07:22You might know me from Sex Education, the show that took the shame out of getting freaky.
00:07:29Or perhaps you know me from The White Lotus, the show where a guy wanks off his brother and puts
00:07:36the shame right back in there.
00:07:39But this is the first time I've ever stood on live television as myself, and honestly, I have been having
00:07:46stress dreams about this moment, where I come out and just start talking gibberish.
00:07:50But thankfully, I libied there, Jub's barnacles, going to see beyond the floor in mid-bomb and mundeo.
00:07:57Phew!
00:08:00Nailed it!
00:08:04Talking of powerful women making interesting noises, the writers have been asking me all week, Amy, what do you want
00:08:10to say in your monologue?
00:08:11And after a lot of long, hard thinking, the answer was simple.
00:08:14Well, I want to scat, like Kim Cattrall in that YouTube video.
00:08:25Yama kipi abo, selera abo, inda glatandi quoth, ya jay, sarva saray!
00:08:39And I am aware that not everyone will get that reference, but I guarantee the five people that did will
00:08:45nominate me for the BAFTA P&O Cruises TV moment of the year!
00:08:49Yama kipi abo, inda glatandi quoth, ya jay, sarva saray!
00:08:51It's very nice to show a different side of myself, though, because ever since I got famous, all I ever
00:08:56hear is how relatable I am, how bubbly I am.
00:09:01But I'm here tonight to put those vicious rumours to rest, because you know what? I'm a freak.
00:09:08No, I am. I'm a weird lady.
00:09:12The only thing bubbly about me is my IBS.
00:09:20I'm a Scorpio moon, for God's sake.
00:09:24Okay?
00:09:25I once got a reading from an astrologer, and she said, sorry.
00:09:32That's how intense my birth chart is.
00:09:35No, seriously, I'm genuinely tapped into something other.
00:09:38It's not just horoscopes and auras.
00:09:40I'm also mixing with the spiritual realm all the time.
00:09:43For instance, this is going to sound very cocky, but in a past life, I was Derek Jarman, the British
00:09:49artist.
00:09:49And that's true, because it came up in a regression.
00:09:53It's fact.
00:09:53And in fact, I can tell anyone what they were in a past life.
00:09:57Okay?
00:09:57So I'm going to do it now.
00:09:58Right now.
00:09:59So, we've got dog, dog, dog, dog.
00:10:03Ooh, you were the Pope.
00:10:06Well done.
00:10:08Dog, dog, and ooh, hello.
00:10:12Okay, yes, you.
00:10:16You were Pablo Escobar.
00:10:19Bit of a bad boy, huh?
00:10:21I also carry crystals about, like this one.
00:10:26I make sure I always have it in my bra when I'm flying.
00:10:29It protects me as long as the plane doesn't crash.
00:10:34Look, I know I may sound just like that fun Mancunian girl you lived in uni halls with.
00:10:39Oh, your cousin's super sweet partner with the job you can't quite remember.
00:10:45But I, Amy Lou Wood, am a certified card-carrying goddamn weirdo.
00:10:51And don't you forget it!
00:10:57Shabbos-Hurray!
00:11:04We've got a great show coming up for you tonight, including music from Meek.
00:11:09So stick around and watch this!
00:11:18She's the kind of girl who you in your life
00:11:22Flip your world upside down
00:11:24You can't get her out of your mind
00:11:29Here's why
00:11:32Sing it, my guy
00:11:33Yeah, she's dangerous alright
00:11:37But not just cause she's hot
00:11:40She's also got really poor hand-eye
00:11:44Coordination
00:11:44She's crazy-closey
00:11:46I can sell all eyes
00:11:50Scooed in the wrong way in a bike lane
00:11:54Blind someone elderly when she pops that champagne
00:11:58Watchin' her undress is it's own kinda insane
00:12:03Headless horse machete
00:12:04A one-woman hurricane
00:12:07Dangerous!
00:12:08Ow!
00:12:10Ow!
00:12:10I have to take her out, now she's taking me out of the air
00:12:15Dangerous!
00:12:16Baby, that hurt!
00:12:17Watch out!
00:12:18She'll have you up on that baby
00:12:20Waitin' round in A&E
00:12:22Dangerous!
00:12:23I try to keep things within safe limits
00:12:27It's a blow to my pride
00:12:30But now I wear a full-time helmet
00:12:34And my clothes have no ships
00:12:37With her hair and personality
00:12:39Zips her high ribs
00:12:41Dangerous!
00:12:42I don't love her!
00:12:44Thinkin' I was warned about this girl
00:12:46On 999 with Michael Book
00:12:49Who the f*** is Michael Book?
00:12:51My shirt is the canvas
00:12:53My food is the paint
00:12:55To stick with me boy
00:12:56And meet the patience of a saint
00:12:59When she's tellin' an anecdote
00:13:01About an accident
00:13:02You know she'll accidentally re-enact the accident again
00:13:07But she forgetful
00:13:10Regularly
00:13:10It's not the same with being a putt
00:13:13But it adds to the anarchy
00:13:16She'll say things like
00:13:17Sorry I had to put a tampon in
00:13:18But now I think there might have been already one in there
00:13:20Ooh, that looks good
00:13:21Jesus!
00:13:24Rock and roll
00:13:25Way more drop and roll
00:13:28Dangerous!
00:13:29My bad
00:13:31Unfortunately, this gorgeous klutz
00:13:33Is the best you've ever had
00:13:35But before she goes down on ya
00:13:37You better sign that waiver
00:13:39And never let her go on top
00:13:42She'll say
00:13:43Don't worry I got this
00:13:45But she absolutely does not
00:13:48I better get used to this life
00:13:52Cause I'm only gonna make this clumsy girl
00:13:57My wife
00:14:01What?
00:14:16We've arrived
00:14:19What is this place doctor?
00:14:22I had a feeling you might like it
00:14:25Welcome to Trexelor 5
00:14:27Home of the great time library
00:14:29Incredible
00:14:31We're not in my relatable northern town anymore
00:14:35I've been looking for this for 16 lifetimes
00:14:38This is the home of the tree of knowledge
00:14:41A tree? In a spaceship?
00:14:44It's the only place that can keep it safe
00:14:46This tree fruits once every trillion years
00:14:50One taste of the tree's fruit
00:14:51Gives you the answer to any question you desire
00:14:53It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever experience
00:14:57Incredible
00:15:02What the fuck is that?
00:15:13That's the tree?
00:15:16That's the tree
00:15:16I'm gonna throw up in my mouth
00:15:17I mean it may not be conventionally attractive but
00:15:21I mean why is it dripping?
00:15:23That's not a tree
00:15:23The name is allegorical
00:15:25This is an ancient creature of infinite wisdom
00:15:29A repository of a trillion years of kindness, empathy and intelligence
00:15:33Well it looks like my HPV flare up
00:15:38You're being really disrespectful here Ellen
00:15:40Do not offend the tree of knowledge
00:15:42No I think we should kill it
00:15:44Do not threaten the tree
00:15:45Nobody's threatening the tree
00:15:47The doctor does not kill
00:15:50Oh great, now it's farting
00:15:52No no no, it's not farting, it's talking, it welcomes us
00:15:55Oh my god
00:15:58Sounds like me after bottomless brunch
00:16:00I'm allergic to champagne so it comes out of me like fizzy gravy
00:16:04Ellen, Ellen, come on
00:16:07This is amazing
00:16:09You're having a genuinely incredible experience
00:16:12You always do this
00:16:13Why can't you just take me somewhere nice?
00:16:15I took you to Jane Austen's house
00:16:17Yeah and she's stank
00:16:19She's stank of old
00:16:21Well everyone did before they invented Lynx Africa
00:16:24Yeah but why can't we just go to like Thorpe Park
00:16:27Before the accidents made it woke
00:16:30Or the Arndale Centre for a bubble tea
00:16:35Right, what's it saying now?
00:16:37It wants you to greet it, go on
00:16:38It's minging
00:16:44No
00:16:44No, no you need to shake its hand
00:16:46I really don't want to do that
00:16:51You get the answer to all your biggest questions
00:16:53Don't you want to know where your dad is?
00:16:55The secret to happiness?
00:16:57Or what bra size you really are
00:16:59Oh yeah, I do want to know that
00:17:01Especially the bra thing
00:17:02Yes
00:17:04Okay, hello blob
00:17:06No, that's not his hand, that's his tit
00:17:08Oh! Oh!
00:17:10His tit came off in my hand
00:17:11No, I am so sorry she pulled off your tit
00:17:13Oh my god
00:17:15Silence! The tree is fruiting
00:17:18It is ready for you to suck its nectar and receive its knowledge
00:17:22No, no, no
00:17:23If that's the fruit I'm about to kick off
00:17:26Look, well, it is the fruit and if you want the answers you must eat it
00:17:30Oh my god, no way!
00:17:32I've seen Alien, I'm not swallowing that and then having it burst out my fanny when I get home
00:17:36No, but it doesn't work like that
00:17:40Right, see ya, I'm gonna go and watch some reels in the Tardis
00:17:42Oh, fine
00:17:43Fine, but don't vape in there
00:17:46I hate the smell of triple mango
00:17:48Triple mango?
00:17:49That's three mangoes
00:17:51Fine, I'll vape outside
00:17:52No!
00:17:54What have you done?
00:17:55A single mango is poison enough to our people
00:17:59Oh god!
00:18:00The tree!
00:18:01It has lived three trillion millennia and now it's dying
00:18:05Shit!
00:18:06Shit!
00:18:07Oh my god, oh my god
00:18:10Get in the Tardis, quick, quick!
00:18:12Stop!
00:18:13Murderers!
00:18:14Don't worry, don't worry
00:18:15The sonic screwdriver will wipe his memory
00:18:18Oh!
00:18:20Oh, Ellen, oh!
00:18:22Oh, Ellen, Ellen, I'm gonna go
00:18:24You know what the space cops will do if they find a black doctor at a crime scene
00:18:29It's not a good look, I'm telling ya
00:18:31I'll see you later, yeah, it was nice to meet you
00:18:33I need to stop picking up white girls
00:18:50On your face!
00:18:58You can see such a ray of death
00:19:00You can're cringing the expression
00:19:02You can't see me
00:19:02You can't see me
00:19:02You can seeис added
00:19:06clairvoyant
00:19:17Princess! Princess!
00:19:25Princess, see to me, Mario!
00:19:28I'm home!
00:19:29Um, real nice, Mario, three o'clock in the afternoon, and you're already getting loaded.
00:19:41Oh, here we go again.
00:19:42I'm on me.
00:19:43Why ain't you at work?
00:19:45The city run out of pipes to fix?
00:19:48I lost another job to the freaking Petrov brothers.
00:19:52Those Bulgarian sons of bitches.
00:19:55They always undercut to me.
00:19:56Yeah, enough with the Petrov brothers, okay?
00:19:59It's you, you're lazy.
00:20:01You're always off go-kartin' with that monkey who wears a tie and nothing else.
00:20:06You, you leave him alone.
00:20:08He's a decent guy.
00:20:09Whatever, Mario.
00:20:10I asked you to fix the garbage disposal three weeks ago, and you still haven't got off your fat Italian
00:20:16ass and done it yet.
00:20:17I'm not a fat ass.
00:20:18Oh, yeah.
00:20:19I'm not a fat ass.
00:20:20Yeah.
00:20:20Look at this place, princess.
00:20:23What are we after you little fruity mushroom saving?
00:20:26What a rhyme around there for you to do everything.
00:20:29You live like a pig.
00:20:30Oh, yeah.
00:20:31Well, how can I make this place nice when your freaking dog comes in here and wrecks it every five
00:20:36seconds?
00:20:37He's not a dog.
00:20:37He's a dinosaur.
00:20:39Okay, he's a pain in my ass is what he is.
00:20:41A pain in my ass.
00:20:42Oh, what I tell you.
00:20:44You cannot lock him in this room.
00:20:46He needs a 20-mile exercise a day.
00:20:49That's why I buy him a little red sneakers.
00:20:52I can't.
00:20:53I can't.
00:20:53I can't.
00:20:53I can't.
00:20:54I can't.
00:20:55I can't.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:56I can't.
00:20:57I can't.
00:20:59I can't.
00:21:00I can't.
00:21:01Mario.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:02Mario.
00:21:03Don't you see?
00:21:04This is what I'm talking about.
00:21:05I can't live like this no more.
00:21:06Oh, well, maybe you should marry Luigi.
00:21:08Oh.
00:21:09I know you wanted to.
00:21:11I know Luigi us at all.
00:21:13I know Luigi you live in a mansion.
00:21:16Yeah.
00:21:17A mansion full of ghosts.
00:21:19Okay.
00:21:19Yeah, well, at least the ghosts would chase me.
00:21:23What's that supposed to mean?
00:21:26Now you don't gotta rescue me from no castles no more.
00:21:30Ha!
00:21:30You ain't interested.
00:21:32Why you gotta do this?
00:21:33Why?
00:21:33Why are you gonna make everything so hard?
00:21:36That's the problem, Mario.
00:21:39I don't make nothing hard no more.
00:21:44Please, speech.
00:21:46I'mma take the mushroom to make me big.
00:21:51Oh.
00:21:52Oh, you're a big guy now.
00:21:54You're the big man, uh-huh.
00:21:55Right, okay.
00:21:56Well, you know, I spoke to Zelda the other day.
00:21:58At the salon.
00:21:59Yeah?
00:22:00Link cannot get enough of her.
00:22:02Okay?
00:22:03They did it five times on Saturday.
00:22:07Zelda.
00:22:08That's the Pilates.
00:22:10Oh.
00:22:12Listen to me, Mario.
00:22:13Just face it.
00:22:14You never wanted me, okay?
00:22:15You just wanted to be the guy that saved me from Big Bad Bowser.
00:22:19Stop it!
00:22:20I'll tell her you never mentioned any scaleless and a bitch in them out of my house!
00:22:27What?
00:22:28Ma?
00:22:28What?
00:22:29Oh, sweet.
00:22:31What?
00:22:31There's some booty in there.
00:22:33Oh.
00:22:34Oh, who is it, Peach?
00:22:36Luigi?
00:22:37What?
00:22:37Oh, what?
00:22:38Is it Wario?
00:22:39Oh, why you screw Wario now?
00:22:41Mario, you're drunk!
00:22:42Stop it, you're crazy!
00:22:44There's some booty in there.
00:22:47I'ma pullin' the champa-pin down!
00:22:50On his head!
00:22:51Mario, stop it!
00:22:52Stop it!
00:22:52Come out of here!
00:22:53Stop it!
00:22:53Come out of here!
00:22:55Like cigar!
00:22:57Oh, God.
00:23:01No!
00:23:04No!
00:23:05No!
00:23:06No!
00:23:06No!
00:23:09No!
00:23:09No!
00:23:09Sorry, Mario.
00:23:11Sorry.
00:23:11The Petrov brothers say hello.
00:23:14No!
00:23:16No!
00:23:17No!
00:23:18No!
00:23:20No!
00:23:22No!
00:23:22No!
00:23:30Based on Enid Flyton's timeless children's stories The Famous Five
00:23:35I say!
00:23:36We are very adventurous!
00:23:39comes a bold new Gen Z reboot.
00:23:44It's those same quaint 1950s adventures you vaguely remember from childhood
00:23:49with Gen Z stuff shoehorned in.
00:23:51Would anyone care for a quumpet?
00:23:54No, thank you. I'm full of vapes.
00:23:58Starring Amy Lou Wood as Anne
00:24:00and Millie Bobby Blueby Blown as George.
00:24:03And in this one, she's openly queer.
00:24:06The doctor diagnosed me with LGBTs.
00:24:09Type 1, lesbian.
00:24:10And dicks played by Jaden Smith.
00:24:13I'm here doing PR for my whole family.
00:24:15Except one of the actor's contracts was watertight.
00:24:17So Julian is unfortunately exactly the same as in the book.
00:24:22Jolly, what's it?
00:24:23A treasure map!
00:24:26Even Timmy the dog is non-binary.
00:24:28Come on, Timmy, come on.
00:24:30And they're played by Tom Holland.
00:24:32What? What? What? Jendaya.
00:24:35The Telegraph calls it overstimulating and underwritten.
00:24:39I'm addicted to my phone.
00:24:41Personally, I can't stop scrolling.
00:24:44And the commissioner says,
00:24:46Look, we know it's a low point.
00:24:48It's based on pre-existing IP
00:24:49and we're really scraping the barrel now.
00:24:51And they talk about World War II
00:24:53like you talk about COVID.
00:24:55It's relatable.
00:24:56World War II was so mid.
00:24:58So true, Thween.
00:25:00My return from World War II with ADHD.
00:25:03Can we please paddle to shore?
00:25:06I love paddle.
00:25:11The stories your granny loved,
00:25:13but now the characters are f***ing exhausting.
00:25:17Turn the big light off.
00:25:18I hate the big light.
00:25:19It's a toy.
00:25:20I feel like I'm an A&E.
00:25:21Hmm.
00:25:22Vibes.
00:25:23Why are you letting them say this stuff?
00:25:26Oh, little fleabag moment.
00:25:28I live.
00:25:29You've banned your misdames.
00:25:31This tunnel should lead directly to old nonce manor.
00:25:34But they suffer exponentially.
00:25:36Can't I just tunnel from home?
00:25:38So there isn't really any plot.
00:25:41Guys?
00:25:43Complete with a brand new Gen Z villain.
00:25:45A landlord.
00:25:46Hands off.
00:25:48I'm here to paint over your black merle.
00:25:50Stand back or we'll unalive you.
00:25:53No one's saying it's right,
00:25:55but everyone's saying it's out soon.
00:25:58I'm laughing.
00:25:59I'm laughing right now.
00:26:01I'm literally dead.
00:26:03Oh, no, no.
00:26:04I've got to say anything.
00:26:06I didn't like today.
00:26:08Coming soon to TikTok English.
00:26:10Second chance.
00:26:19Hi.
00:26:20Hi.
00:26:21Yeah, I think I left my suitcase here yesterday.
00:26:24Okay.
00:26:24Can you describe it?
00:26:25Yeah, it's a black rectangle on wheels.
00:26:29This one?
00:26:30Oh, thank God.
00:26:32Yes.
00:26:32Okay, before I hand it over for security reasons,
00:26:34I do have to ask you what's inside.
00:26:37Okay.
00:26:39Okay, this is going to sound bad.
00:26:40Right?
00:26:40And I promise it's not for here.
00:26:43But it is a bomb.
00:26:51You crazy bitch!
00:26:53So stop it, I'm screaming!
00:26:55Okay, so obviously, inquiring minds need to know.
00:26:58Do you plan to harm someone with this?
00:27:00Because if so, I'm going to have to fill out an instant form
00:27:02and go, you know, out of a pen.
00:27:03Yeah, no.
00:27:04Obviously, I'm not trying to kill anyone.
00:27:06I'm not a man.
00:27:09I'm crying, laughing.
00:27:12Okay, but seriously, what is it for?
00:27:14Okay, you're never going to guess.
00:27:17The Zara changing rooms!
00:27:21It's mirrors!
00:27:22Stop it!
00:27:23Stop it!
00:27:24I'm going to literally kill you, girl.
00:27:25No, no, I'm going to win.
00:27:27I'm going to win.
00:27:28I have to win.
00:27:28Oh, my God.
00:27:29I love you.
00:27:29I love you.
00:27:31I love you.
00:27:32Okay, tell me why I'm going into those changing rooms
00:27:34with my arms full of jeans
00:27:35and I'm leaving with my eyes full of jeans.
00:27:37Yeah, tell me why I'm going in there
00:27:39with my arms full of crop tops
00:27:40and leaving with plans to bomb it
00:27:42in the dead of the night.
00:27:43Those things are similar.
00:27:44Yes!
00:27:46Okay, three words.
00:27:47You, me, hanging out after this.
00:27:49Yeah, oh, my God.
00:27:50Obviously.
00:27:51Okay, I'm just going to grab that case.
00:27:53Oh, oh.
00:27:54Yeah, so on that,
00:27:55I'm so sorry not to be a fun sponge, okay?
00:27:57But now I know there's a bomb in there.
00:27:58I can't give it to you.
00:28:00Okay.
00:28:00I'm on such thin ice with my boss
00:28:01because I've been eating his lunch every day.
00:28:03Yeah.
00:28:04But can I be a bitch for a second?
00:28:05Okay, my favourite sentence in the whole world.
00:28:09I'm just going to snatch it and run anyway, okay?
00:28:11No, don't.
00:28:12No, I am.
00:28:14Oh, my God.
00:28:15Oh, my God, no, no, no, no.
00:28:18Excuse me, do you work here?
00:28:21No, I'm dressed like this because I like it.
00:28:24Hello?
00:28:26Turn on your brain.
00:28:27Turn on your brain.
00:28:28It's like...
00:28:28It's like...
00:28:30I'll just go ask someone else.
00:28:33You guys seem like really good friends.
00:28:36Oh, thank you.
00:28:39Oh, okay, I have something to tell you, all right?
00:28:44This cardigan, it's Zara.
00:28:45Oh, God.
00:28:46And I also have something to confess.
00:28:48Yes, I've never told anyone this, but...
00:28:51I'm gay.
00:28:56Wait.
00:28:57Wait.
00:28:58Wait.
00:28:59Wait.
00:29:00Hang on.
00:29:01Oh, my God, girl.
00:29:03Girl.
00:29:04What?
00:29:04This isn't a bomb.
00:29:06It's a George Foreman grill.
00:29:09Oh, my God.
00:29:11I am never using Facebook Marketplace again.
00:29:15God, I can't believe I said that joke earlier about me being gay.
00:29:19Yeah.
00:29:25So we still hanging out later?
00:29:28Well, it's...
00:29:28It's just...
00:29:29Oh, God, this is so awkward.
00:29:31Um...
00:29:31But, no.
00:29:32Uh...
00:29:33I already have loads of friends.
00:29:35Like, for example, I've got my uni girls.
00:29:37My Camp America girls.
00:29:38My National Youth Theatre girls.
00:29:40Okay, yeah.
00:29:40So we just had a near-death experience together, but I guess that means nothing?
00:29:45Girl, I low-key think you should just take the grill and go, because you actually pissed me off.
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49Sure.
00:29:50Fine.
00:29:55The guy at Lost Property is gay.
00:29:59No!
00:30:14Ladies and Gentlemen, it's me!
00:30:24I just got my heart broken but I look way too fabulous.
00:30:28Yeah, I'm back in therapy, I look way too fabulous
00:30:32Tax man took my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:30:36I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:30:40The bigger my tears, the bigger my lashes, the curls in my hair
00:30:45The bigger the heat, the harder I'm feeling, the less than I care
00:30:49The deeper it hurts, my baby, I went to the best of
00:30:53If you know, you know
00:30:56I just got my heart broken, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:00Yeah, I'm back in therapy, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:04Tax man took my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:09I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:31:13I'm never archy, tragedy and Versace
00:31:16I'm like Mother Ari, keep secrets of embody
00:31:20Oh, ain't it the way, it's always the fish
00:31:25You fight the hardest, what a shame
00:31:29Slay to be slain, promise you'll dance in those two letters of my grave
00:31:37May say beauty is pain, but when I feel beautiful
00:31:43Oh, ain't it the way, I ain't feel the way
00:31:48I just got my heart broken, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:52Yes, I'm back in therapy, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:31:56Tax man took my money, but I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:01I ain't sad, I'm just feeling way too fabulous
00:32:10I'm feeling way too fabulous
00:32:37The bigger my tishe, the bigger my lashes, the growth in my hair
00:32:41The bigger the hair, the harder I look and the less that I care
00:32:45Deeper it hurts, I'll live in much what I feel I deserve
00:32:49Yeah, cause you're awful, way too fabulous
00:33:25It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
00:33:37Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
00:33:41And I'm Anya Magliano
00:33:46This week, King Charles and Queen Camilla made their first official state visit to Washington DC
00:33:51As part of the trip, Charles presented the President with an engraved bell
00:33:56Ideally, Trump will wear the bell on a collar like a cat
00:34:00To warn young women that he's approaching
00:34:05During the trip, the couples used coordinated fashion to project unity between the two nations
00:34:11Camilla, seen here wearing Diana's Horcrux
00:34:22Attended the state dinner in a bespoke fuchsia gown
00:34:25The colour of her dress complemented both Melania's strapless pastel gown
00:34:30And King Charles' iconic hot pink fingers
00:34:33As she welcomed the royal party to the White House, Melania greeted the king with a kiss
00:34:41Clicking her jaw against his to spell out save me in Moore's Cove
00:34:46In Virginia, the king and queen watched a clog dancing performance from a group of Appalachian mountain folk
00:34:52Inbred over generations to the point of physical deformity
00:34:55Charles and Camilla enjoyed the clogging
00:35:02Throughout the state visit, press coverage of the conversations between the leaders has been extremely guarded
00:35:08So to give us the inside scoop on what exactly was said
00:35:11Here's a professional lip reader
00:35:21Thanks for having me, Anya
00:35:22So, you're a professional lip reader
00:35:26Sure
00:35:30Okay, so can you take us through what they're saying in this clip
00:35:33Absolutely
00:35:34Okay, so
00:35:37Okay, here's a question
00:35:38Would you rather prone growing out of your neck or no neck at all?
00:35:43Can I eat the prawn?
00:35:45No way
00:35:45Sorry to interrupt
00:35:48Is that definitely what they were saying?
00:35:50Yeah
00:35:51I lip-readed it
00:35:54I'm a professional lip reader
00:35:59Oh, okay
00:36:00I can see in your eyes you're not convinced, Anya
00:36:02It's okay
00:36:02Play another clip
00:36:05Okay, so we've got two ladies here
00:36:06I'm not familiar with their work
00:36:07But they're saying
00:36:11Our hats are mad, right?
00:36:14Tell me about it
00:36:16What's your favourite crisps?
00:36:18For me, squares all day
00:36:20Squares all day
00:36:22You're mad, girl
00:36:24I like McCoy's
00:36:25Because they're rigid
00:36:26You get more flavour
00:36:27Because of the rigids
00:36:28Okay, yeah, I think I have to stop
00:36:30You've come on saying you're a professional lip reader
00:36:33But you are clearly making it up
00:36:34Anya, please
00:36:35I need this
00:36:37Please
00:36:38Please, please
00:36:39One more chance
00:36:39One more chance
00:36:40One more chance
00:36:42One more chance
00:36:43Okay, fine, fine
00:36:44Yes, fine, fine
00:36:46But this is your last chance
00:36:48Thank you
00:36:49I haven't done this before
00:36:59Okay, here we go
00:37:02Have you seen Euphoria Series 3?
00:37:06It's shit
00:37:07Okay, that's it
00:37:08You're out of here
00:37:09Guy who I swear told me
00:37:10He was a professional lip reader, everyone
00:37:20On Saturday, a gunman stormed the White House Correspondents' Dinner in Washington
00:37:24For all those in attendance, it was an undeniably terrifying event
00:37:29President Donald Trump shat himself
00:37:31Then, minutes later, the shots rang out
00:37:39The host for the evening's event was magician and mind reader Oz Perlman
00:37:44Who you can see here, using the power of his mind to clamp my vagina shut
00:37:51In the aftermath of the shooting, First Lady Melania Trump was quick to admonish people for making light of the
00:37:57situation
00:37:57We're real people, she said, blinking sideways
00:38:05Newly elected Green MP Hannah Spencer has said it is shocking that, quote
00:38:09You can smell the alcohol when people are in between votes in Parliament
00:38:13In response, Speaker of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle said
00:38:16I bloody love you, you mad bastard
00:38:20Oi, Oi, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah
00:38:23Is that my knob I've in a piss?
00:38:32In a new attempt to keep Angela Rayner out of number 10
00:38:36A group of Labour MPs have launched a campaign entitled
00:38:39Anyone but Ange
00:38:40And if you don't know, anyone but Ange
00:38:43Is also who you ask for at the bar
00:38:45If your date is going amazing
00:38:52Reform leader and your dad's favourite can girl, Nigel Farage
00:38:57Is in hot water over failing to declare a £5 million donation from Christopher Harbourn
00:39:02A Thai-based crypto billionaire
00:39:03If found negligent by the Electoral Commission
00:39:06Farage could face an email of up to 400 words
00:39:12Reformers said that the £5 million donation from Harbourn wasn't political
00:39:16And didn't have to be declared because it was a purely personal gift
00:39:20Now, we can't say for certain what the payment was for
00:39:23But for £5 million, Nigel must have been providing some sort of valuable service
00:39:28And that's why Nigel Farage is my Power Bottom of the Week
00:39:38A postal worker in Somerset has found a nest of pigeons living under his van
00:39:43It's mad
00:39:44Pigeons used to carry the post
00:39:46And now the post carries the pigeons
00:39:49What a crazy mixed-up world we live in, folks
00:39:53What was that?
00:39:55Sorry, I need to speak to my writers
00:40:00Oi! You call that a joke?
00:40:02Do you want me to throw the dogs back in?
00:40:04Do you?
00:40:09Sorry about that
00:40:12Local elections will take place
00:40:14On May the 7th
00:40:16Here to discuss them
00:40:18It's Larry Dean
00:40:23Um, Larry
00:40:26How do you see these local elections going?
00:40:29Well, Paddy, I don't know anything about politics
00:40:31But what I do know is people, right?
00:40:33So I've travelled all around the world
00:40:35And I've found that you can tell how a person votes by how they talk
00:40:39For example, in America
00:40:41You can tell how someone votes from their mouth, right?
00:40:44So if they're from, like, a blue democratic state
00:40:46They will show you exactly what they're saying
00:40:51But as soon as you hit those red Republican areas
00:40:54They'll stop moving the mail forward again
00:40:59I think the reason why
00:41:00Is they're usually saying something horrendously racist or homophobic
00:41:04And they don't want anybody lip-reading them
00:41:06No, they're the one that just said it
00:41:13And how can you tell how British people are going to vote?
00:41:16Well, in London, right, usually, Paddy, it's like a posture thing, right?
00:41:20So if you're a Labour working class voter
00:41:22You're going to be a lot more limp
00:41:23Or even the jaw muscles loose
00:41:25Probably from all the ketamine they've been having
00:41:29And if you're a London Tory voter
00:41:31Your posture will be stiffer, right?
00:41:34And probably from all the Pilates and flinching whenever their father walks in the room
00:41:41The number one rule, though, is if you're a posh Londoner
00:41:43You're not allowed to show any emotion
00:41:45Until you're finished your sentence
00:41:55Who am I voting for?
00:41:57Well, I do like the idea of tax cuts
00:41:58But I don't want to seem selfish
00:41:59So Liberal Democrat?
00:42:01Ooh
00:42:03And, uh, how can you tell if someone votes Green?
00:42:06Oh, don't worry, Paddy, they'll tell you
00:42:11And, uh...
00:42:13What about Scotland?
00:42:15Well, in Scotland, you know how when you get older
00:42:18You become more right-wing, right?
00:42:20That's why I think the Tories and Reform will never win in Scotland
00:42:23Because we don't live long enough
00:42:26Fascinating
00:42:26And tell me, Larry, how do they vote in China?
00:42:31That's all for me, mate
00:42:32Thanks very much
00:42:32Let's get out
00:42:33Let's get in, everyone!
00:42:43In big TV news, the line-up for the next series of Celebrity Traitors
00:42:48Was announced this morning
00:42:49It features plenty of exciting castings
00:42:52Including Maya Jammer, James Acaster
00:42:54And fan-favourite Supreme Leader Ayatollah Hominy
00:43:00I'll be honest, I didn't really like the Celebrity Traitors
00:43:03That's why I call all those pigs who turn their back on Greg Wallace
00:43:11Scientists are trialling a new scanning technique
00:43:13That could help diagnose endometriosis
00:43:17This completely non-invasive procedure will be available to women nationwide
00:43:20Just as soon as doctors work out how to make it incredibly painful
00:43:26In Pompeii, archaeologists have discovered the remains of a Roman
00:43:29Who fled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius holding a bowl over his head
00:43:33If there's anything worse than a volcanic eruption
00:43:36It's a volcanic eruption while getting a haircut from your mum
00:43:41New data shows that breast reduction surgery
00:43:43Has become more common than breast implant surgery
00:43:46And both options are far more popular than what I went for
00:43:50One of each
00:43:52Business? Pleasure
00:43:55In the last few weeks
00:43:57At least five people in Southport have overdosed on contaminated heroin
00:44:01So, if you're in Southport and taking heroin
00:44:04Sorry, what do I mean if?
00:44:09A new survey
00:44:14A new survey has found that 39% of young Brits who still live with their parents
00:44:19Say it affects how often they have sex
00:44:21So, if you want to keep having sex with your parents, move out
00:44:25You'll get the spark back, trust me
00:44:30A West Ham supporter shocked other train passengers travelling to the game
00:44:33After preparing a steak dinner in the carriage with a pair of hair straighteners
00:44:38When asked by his friends if he ran into any trouble on the way to the game
00:44:41He told them
00:44:42There was a bit of beef
00:44:43But I straightened it out
00:44:48I told you! I told you!
00:44:55Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has warned European airlines could go bust as the Iran war causes a surge in
00:45:01jet fuel prices
00:45:02Here to comment on the increased cost of flying
00:45:05A woman who's been invited to her fourth destination wedding this year
00:45:08I can't live like this
00:45:18War rages on, famine, floods
00:45:20You mean to tell me that with all these goings on
00:45:23Your best foot forward is a wedding in Sardinia
00:45:27The hen doos in Ibiza, that's another £900
00:45:30I've dipped into my pension so we can make some TikToks
00:45:34These faces aren't cheap
00:45:36You can't just not go
00:45:38You can't just not go, shut up
00:45:41Shut up!
00:45:42How do you think that's going to pay out?
00:45:43I'm the villain if I say I don't want to watch your 98-year-old grandma get a plane, a
00:45:48ferry and a bus
00:45:49I don't! She's not going to make it!
00:45:51What if you just treat it like a holiday?
00:45:53What do you think?
00:45:56I don't want to go to Marrakesh, it's not on my list!
00:46:00What ever happened to just getting married down the road?
00:46:03What ever happened to white feminism?
00:46:04Marriage is actually an outdated institution that upholds patriarchal structure
00:46:09Emma Watson! Emma Watson, where are you?
00:46:15Are you saying you shouldn't get married at all?
00:46:18When did I say, let a woman speak!
00:46:21Marriage is essential, especially as it pertains to the transference of assets, probate and inheritance tax
00:46:26Not my worth, but the words of Martin Lewis, money saving expert
00:46:30The greatest man alive today
00:46:33Is this still about destination weddings?
00:46:35Martin Lewis, please, I'm saving myself for you
00:46:37Are you having my boy, everybody?
00:46:39Are you having my boy, everybody?
00:46:42For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young!
00:46:44And moments from Allah, goodbye cheese
00:46:45And for you, everybody, good night!
00:46:46Whoo!
00:46:47Whoo!
00:46:49Whoo!
00:46:50Whoo!
00:47:27Yeah, hello, Archie. Hey, Bugbee.
00:47:30Hello, Chris. You all right, Bacon?
00:47:33Archie, Bugbee.
00:47:35This is awkward.
00:47:37Yeah, this is awkward.
00:47:38I heard Sprinkly pulled you for a chart, Cripsy.
00:47:41Oh, really? Not gonna lie.
00:47:43Kind of awks.
00:47:44Yeah, it was awkward.
00:47:46Archie, Bacon, do you mind if Bugbee and I have a moment?
00:47:49We'll leave you to it.
00:47:54It's good to see you.
00:47:56Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
00:47:58This is awkward.
00:47:59Yeah.
00:48:00Hello, you two.
00:48:03Sprinkly.
00:48:06Nice one, mate.
00:48:09Sprinkly.
00:48:10Cripsy.
00:48:11Bugbee.
00:48:12Well, this is awkward.
00:48:15Sprinkly, mate, don't take the pus.
00:48:17Have you guys hooked up?
00:48:19Yes or no?
00:48:21We have.
00:48:22It was like one time.
00:48:24Mate, no.
00:48:25You must be taking your actual pus.
00:48:29Friggers.
00:48:30Mippy Moo.
00:48:30Bacon again.
00:48:31Hello, you guys.
00:48:34This is awkward.
00:48:38You okay, Bugbee?
00:48:40Yeah, to be fair with you, Friggers, Sprinkly and Crips has ruined my life.
00:48:44Can I have a moment with Sprinkly, please?
00:48:47We'll leave you guys to our...
00:48:48Nice one, Sprinkly, you fucking rodent.
00:48:56You look butters today.
00:48:59Chas.
00:49:00This is awkward.
00:49:02How was Hong Kong?
00:49:04Never been, mate.
00:49:05Fat.
00:49:07Did you sleep with bacon?
00:49:09Yeah, probably.
00:49:11Oh, hello, buttcheeks.
00:49:14Bacon again.
00:49:17Buttcheeks.
00:49:18This is awkward.
00:49:20Mippy Moo, Sprinkly.
00:49:25Bacon, I heard you got a job.
00:49:29Take that back.
00:49:31Fair.
00:49:33Bacon, Sprinkly, can I have a movie, please, mate?
00:49:36Course, mate.
00:49:37We'll leave you to her.
00:49:41Oh, God.
00:49:44This is awkward.
00:49:46All right, Friggers, Landona, Crips again, bacon again.
00:49:50Wait, they're bacon?
00:49:51You okay, buttcheeks?
00:49:53Hello, buttcheeks.
00:49:54Shut up.
00:49:55Shut up, buttcheeks, you bloody liar.
00:49:57You must be taking the actual place.
00:50:01Did you or didn't you Frigg Friggers and Sprinkly up the back side?
00:50:05Mate, this is awkward.
00:50:07Me, Friggers and Crips are just me.
00:50:09Did you or did you, yes or no?
00:50:13Oh, you must be taking the actual person.
00:50:18I'm really upset.
00:50:20I'll leave you to her.
00:50:23Mippy Moo, Crapsie, Landona, buttcheeks, I'm bacon.
00:50:27Bautcheeks, bacon again.
00:50:29Bacon.
00:50:30We'll leave you to her.
00:50:34You're taking the actual pass, Landon.
00:50:37Mippy Moo is really upset.
00:50:39I'll leave you to her.
00:50:40Pricks.
00:50:41Miggal Boo.
00:50:42Pricks.
00:50:47Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks.
00:50:52Bautcheeks, Bautcheeks.
00:50:53Who the F are you?
00:50:54Um, Makel.
00:50:58Hey, no, Michael will be after you want my call
00:51:02I've been trying to get my mother's corpse into that ambulance for the past five minutes
00:51:08Could you please move aside?
00:51:10Yeah, fair mate
00:51:14We'll leave you guys to it
00:51:20Wash kids
00:51:28This is awkward
00:51:41Fancy another one
00:51:44It's me
00:51:46It's me
00:51:53It's me
00:51:54It's me
00:51:59Yes
00:52:01I like a drink and I still smoke cigarettes
00:52:04Yes
00:52:06I'm so uncool and I don't have many friends
00:52:10Yes
00:52:11I'm what they call a lost cause but then again
00:52:14Ah, ah, ah
00:52:16I was born for a different audience
00:52:19We
00:52:21Glorious frees
00:52:23Beautiful nightmares
00:52:25In feathers and beads
00:52:27Oh
00:52:28I
00:52:30Live to be queens
00:52:33World full of windows
00:52:35And sinners like me
00:52:39Na
00:52:40Na
00:52:41Na
00:52:42Na
00:52:42Na
00:52:44Na
00:52:45Na
00:52:45Na
00:52:45Na
00:52:46Na
00:52:46Na
00:52:47Na
00:52:47Na
00:52:47Na
00:53:16Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:53:49Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:54:16Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:54:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:54:56I've got what it takes, my wife.
00:54:58Got friends round, got roast pork for lunch.
00:55:01Plenty of taste, British pork.
00:55:03Great value for money.
00:55:05Fred's got plenty and Arthur's got plenty.
00:55:08We've all got plenty.
00:55:09Plenty to go around.
00:55:11My wife's got what it takes.
00:55:13British pork.
00:55:14What's it got?
00:55:15It's got the lot.
00:55:17Got pork for lunch on Sunday.
00:55:20Okay, cuts.
00:55:21Great work, Tony.
00:55:23Thank you very much.
00:55:25Really good.
00:55:25Guys, if we get this right, 1984 will be a landmark year for British pork.
00:55:30Small thing though, the British pork ball is now under new management.
00:55:34Big change at the top.
00:55:36And the new team are keen to go in a more frightening direction with the advert.
00:55:41What, frightening?
00:55:42Yes, they're hoping to frighten people into eating more British pork.
00:55:46Seems like a risky strategy.
00:55:48Yeah, well, a few of the board members are in today.
00:55:50Do you want to give them a wave?
00:55:51Oh.
00:55:52Oh.
00:55:53Oh, hi.
00:55:54Hello, hello, everyone.
00:55:55So let's run it again from the top.
00:55:57Um, Tony, I hate to give you a line read.
00:56:00I think your first line is more like, um...
00:56:03Got what it takes, my wife.
00:56:05What?
00:56:06Like a dark rage.
00:56:08Like, got what it takes, my wife.
00:56:10Got friends round, got roast pork for lunch.
00:56:12That's it.
00:56:13That seems extreme.
00:56:15Well, the pork ball are loving it.
00:56:24Just an idea.
00:56:26Feel free to shoot me down.
00:56:29But why doesn't Tony do all the lines?
00:56:31I don't know about that.
00:56:32It might come across like a monologue full of hatred and menace.
00:56:36Well, that's what we're going for, I think.
00:56:38Yeah.
00:56:38What would you be doing then, sorry?
00:56:40Well, I thought that maybe I could pour the gravy and sort of look at him like this.
00:56:44Oh, God.
00:56:45Yeah.
00:56:48Oh, jeez, love.
00:56:49Yeah, that's brilliant.
00:56:50I've got chills from that.
00:56:51Ew, ew, ew.
00:56:52Um, uh, and Arthur, can you match that energy, do you reckon?
00:56:55Um, yeah, maybe something along the lanes of...
00:57:01Perfect, perfect, perfect.
00:57:03Question about the music in the background.
00:57:05Yeah, I was going to say, maybe we'll lose the music.
00:57:07Okay.
00:57:08Yeah, and instead of us talking, we mind the conversation so we can hear Tony's horrible monologue.
00:57:14Oh, well, yeah, but then when everyone's just eating in silence.
00:57:17What if we, um, clattered our cutlery on the plates really loudly, then it wouldn't be silent.
00:57:22Oh, yeah.
00:57:22You know, like this.
00:57:22Sort of like...
00:57:24Yeah, and move your mouths as well.
00:57:27Yeah, that's nasty.
00:57:28I love it.
00:57:28Really nasty.
00:57:28I mean, I've never seen the port port so happen.
00:57:40And I think that's the reaction we're looking for, really.
00:57:42So, um, great.
00:57:43Great suggestions, everyone.
00:57:44Let's go for a take, shall we?
00:57:45Okay.
00:57:46Everybody ready?
00:57:46And action.
00:57:48Got what it takes, my wife.
00:57:50Got friends around.
00:57:53Got lots of pork for lunch.
00:57:56Say it, Tony.
00:57:58Say it.
00:57:59Plenty of tea, British pork.
00:58:01Real value for money.
00:58:03Bread's got plenty.
00:58:04There you are.
00:58:04It's got plenty with pork.
00:58:05Got plenty.
00:58:06I'm sorry, that just seems...
00:58:07That seems insane to me.
00:58:09Cut, cut, cut.
00:58:10That seems really mad.
00:58:11Take two minutes, everyone.
00:58:13I'm sorry, everyone.
00:58:13I don't mean to be a bother.
00:58:17So, Tony, the way I'm seeing it, as far as I'm concerned, right,
00:58:22the pork's in the oven, okay?
00:58:24The crackling is crisping up real nice.
00:58:26All it needs, just a little bit of seasoning,
00:58:29and that's where you come in, all right?
00:58:40What are you talking about?
00:58:42I am talking about pork, Tony.
00:58:45It's always been about the pork.
00:58:47It's time to join the conversation, okay?
00:58:50Now, you're going to join the conversation, right,
00:58:52or are we going to have to go elsewhere
00:58:54and start talking to someone else?
00:58:55Because there's thousands of scary-looking old blokes out there
00:58:58who would give their left nuts
00:59:00to be standing where you're standing right now.
00:59:01No, I can do it.
00:59:02I can do it.
00:59:03Okay.
00:59:03I can do it.
00:59:05I know that, Tony, right?
00:59:07The pork board knows that.
00:59:11It's time for you to show that to the world, okay?
00:59:14Okay.
00:59:15Okay.
00:59:15Okay.
00:59:16Yeah?
00:59:17I can do this.
00:59:18You can do this.
00:59:18All right.
00:59:19Places, everyone.
00:59:20Tony, head of the table, ready to carve.
00:59:21In three, two, one, action!
00:59:24Got what it takes, my wife.
00:59:26Got French round.
00:59:28Got roast pork for lunch.
00:59:31Real value for money.
00:59:34French got plenty?
00:59:36Martha's got plenty.
00:59:37We've all got plenty.
00:59:39Thank you to go round, my wife.
00:59:42Got what it takes.
00:59:44British pork.
00:59:45What's it got?
00:59:46It's got a lot.
00:59:48Don't call it for lunch on Sunday.
00:59:56My biggest thanks to me,
00:59:58and a huge thank you to the cast writers,
01:00:01Ronnie the Dog.
01:00:02Happy birthday, Danny,
01:00:03and everyone working on the show
01:00:05for making this such a great week.
01:00:07It's been so amazing to host SNL, you guys.
01:00:11Good night.
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