- 12 hours ago
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00:09I'm not a Christian.
00:12I'm not an ordained priest or anything.
00:14I was just being polite.
00:15I'm the one who snort all over me because you don't know how to cover your head hole.
00:19Not a Christian.
00:21No, you're a Christian.
00:25Well, please let you know I'm not a Christian either.
00:32Oh, hello.
00:34How are you?
00:39You're a good-looking crowd.
00:42Welcome to Ursula.
00:44This may come as no big surprise, but I get a bit worked out when people say unnecessary shit to
00:50me.
00:50I don't know if you're the same.
00:51Like, anything can tip me over the edge.
00:53You know when you go to play with your card and when you go to tap,
00:57there's always some 12-year-old with milk around the mouth that goes,
00:59um, it's not there.
01:00You've got to tap on the side.
01:01You go, shut the fuck up!
01:03I would have figured it out.
01:04The machine is this big.
01:07I'll tap you on the forehead a couple of times.
01:09How about that?
01:10How about that?
01:10You like that?
01:12But then I also, I'm the first one to put my hand up and say,
01:15yeah, I do suffer from early onset Karen.
01:18Do you ever watch those videos and go, I don't see a problem here.
01:22We have to go check the comments to see what this poor bitch did wrong.
01:26Honestly, I am with those women.
01:28I am with those women 100% until they get to the homophobia and the racism.
01:32I'm like, okay, I'm out.
01:33You're on your own, you weirdo.
01:35Cool haircut, though.
01:41You've got your father's ears.
01:42Okay, I've got your test results.
01:44Please sit down.
01:45No, I'm good.
01:46I prefer standing.
01:47These are pretty serious results.
01:49Come on, honey, sit down.
01:50No, and you cannot force me.
01:52It's against my will and goes against the Geneva Convention.
01:55I know my rights.
01:56Okay, suit yourself.
01:57Firstly, how are the symptoms?
02:00Excuse me, none of your business.
02:01It's a privacy issue.
02:03As you can see, she's gotten worse.
02:06Lots of anger, public outbursts.
02:08We've been arguing with a lot of waiters lately.
02:10I know, I've seen the videos online.
02:12It's just menopause.
02:13Move on.
02:14I'm afraid it's much more serious than menopause.
02:16I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've contracted early onset, Karen.
02:20No.
02:21Oh, no.
02:22How is this possible?
02:23I'm afraid the results are conclusive.
02:25Well, I'll tell you what.
02:26I want to talk to your supervisor.
02:28How long do we have?
02:28Not long, I'm afraid.
02:29As you can see, the virus has already spread throughout Ursula's internal organs.
02:34That's a mess.
02:35Well, this is all fine and dandy, but I don't recognise you as an authority to diagnose me.
02:44Look, we did your ancestry, and it turns out you come from a very long line of Karens.
02:49Look.
02:50What is this?
02:52Why are these women all so beautiful, but all so crazy?
02:56No.
02:58Is this me?
02:59Is this my future?
03:00What happened to them?
03:01What will happen to me?
03:05They're so beautiful.
03:06Robust, but beautiful.
03:09I'm not at all.
03:11This is possible.
03:12I don't understand what's happening.
03:14I'm not at all.
03:15Help me, dog.
03:24Should I be wearing a mask or something?
03:26You should be fine.
03:27We haven't seen the disease mutate, which is lucky, because currently there's no cure.
03:31You have to do something.
03:32Yeah.
03:33Give me something right now.
03:34Okay.
03:35Take this number.
03:35Is this for a specialist?
03:37No.
03:38That's for the local council.
03:39They'll be calling them a lot to complain about the garbage man.
03:42Even better.
03:43Thanks.
03:43Thanks.
03:46You know, who knows?
03:47Maybe I can fight this, you know?
03:49I don't feel so bad, you know?
03:51Don't worry.
03:51We'll get you through this.
03:54Nice, Ollie.
03:55Thanks, lady.
03:56Aw, sweetie.
03:58Well done, you.
04:03Oi!
04:04Kanjuri!
04:05It says no skateboarding.
04:07There are children who play in this area.
04:09Somebody could get hurt.
04:10Oh, my God.
04:12You're so nervous!
04:14Sorry.
04:15She's on a period.
04:17No, I'm not.
04:18Oh, I should have punched him in the head.
04:20It's not too late.
04:36Ten grand.
04:39I need a mainstream TV idea that families can watch together and that advertisers will love.
04:48But more importantly, we'll keep the cashola in my pocket and you hack-a-whores off the stripper pole.
04:54So hit me with your ideas. What have you got?
04:56I've got one.
04:59The Skin I Was Born In.
05:01A heartfelt and honest documentary about body image and beauty standards in today's society.
05:08We follow these brave souls on their journey towards acceptance.
05:12Wow, a show about fat people. I love it.
05:16Well, it's more a show about body image.
05:19Fat Fuck Island.
05:20Oh, I love it, boss. Talk us through the idea.
05:23Okay, so fat people on an island and potentially they fuck.
05:28Oh, that's genius.
05:29They would. They would do that.
05:31They'll try. There's a lot of gut.
05:33Could be part of their contract.
05:35Yeah.
05:35Must fuck.
05:36Yeah, I mean, I...
05:37We'll take them out in the country.
05:39Fat Farmer wants a fat wife.
05:42Oh, that's great.
05:43I think that's straying quite far from my...
05:46Wait, wait, wait. I've got more.
05:47She's cooking now.
05:48Married at Fat Sight.
05:49You don't know who's coming.
05:51You can hear him.
05:53Fat Ninja Warrior.
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56Try and hold on to a rope, am I right?
05:58The Fat Singer.
05:59Who is it?
06:00They all sing opera.
06:01Okay, RuPaul's Fat Race.
06:03The great British fat off.
06:05Cubby people rolling around.
06:06Fat guy for a queer guy.
06:07Dumpy, kind of dumpy.
06:09Yes.
06:10I think we've gone a little bit...
06:12Oh, I've got it.
06:14Fatty, fatty fight club.
06:16Okay, hear me out.
06:17We put a whole bunch of fatties together.
06:19All the weight that they lose go into a tank, okay?
06:21And then once a week,
06:22we get two of these jumbos to fight each other.
06:24And then the winner gets to eat cake, of course.
06:27And the loser goes into the fat tank.
06:30Fat tank Friday.
06:31Yes!
06:32Yes!
06:33I love it.
06:34I love it.
06:34Hi, Trish.
06:35Honestly, Trish, this was remarkable.
06:37Yeah, Trish.
06:37Well done.
06:38Great idea.
06:39This isn't my idea.
06:39That's your idea.
06:41This is your idea.
06:41I just punched it up.
06:42Yeah, a little bit.
06:43No, I was talking about a wholesome documentary
06:45to do with body image.
06:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:47And this has all of that.
06:48Plus, it has fighting and a fat tank.
06:51That's right.
06:51You should be proud of yourself.
06:52Take this moment, okay?
06:54Do you have any other amazing ideas, Trish?
06:56What about at the end?
06:59If there's a ball pit filled with pudding
07:02and they have to eat their way out?
07:08Because they're fat.
07:10I'm so sorry that you had to hear that.
07:12Shouldn't have said that, Trish.
07:13It's too much.
07:14It's too much, Trish.
07:16I mean, she said way worse than...
07:18Because I can.
07:20Because you're fat?
07:22Trish, what?
07:23Because it is my lived experience.
07:25I have that bra extension.
07:27You don't see me pitching ideas on your tour, Mark, do you?
07:30I'm not out here going,
07:31hey, guys, how about we make a TV show
07:32about an ugly, skinny, hairy bitch?
07:39It's true.
07:39There might be something in that, boss.
07:41I think that idea has legs.
07:42Yes, ugly, skinny, hairy legs.
07:44Write it down.
07:45Yes, yes, yes.
07:46Yes, Trish's legs.
07:48Hairy.
07:48And barren.
07:50Barren.
07:53I guess don't mess with me in a meeting.
07:56That's all I'm saying.
07:58Can we just step to a more serious side?
08:00I do want to talk to you about your health, specifically mammograms, all right?
08:05Now, ladies, we got them titties.
08:09And, you know, you have to make, like, I'm not judging them.
08:13That's not why we're here.
08:14I'm not going to get you to flop them out
08:15unless you're completely comfortable with that.
08:17No?
08:18Okay, just checking.
08:19It's worth checking.
08:20It's worth checking.
08:20Just run that past you, all right?
08:22No, men, I don't know if you know this,
08:25but men can get breast cancer too.
08:26This isn't a joke.
08:27Like, it's true.
08:28Men can get breast cancer.
08:28A lot of men don't know that.
08:30So, boys, tomorrow morning when you're in the shower,
08:31just for a split second,
08:33we take your hand off your dick and just feel,
08:36just feel that everything's all right there, okay?
08:40And you know what?
08:41While you're going to the doctor for a mammogram,
08:43why don't you get yourself a little smear?
08:44And I know that is not high on the popularity scale
08:47of things to do at the doctors.
08:49You know, you go in and always go,
08:51take your clothes off and put the robe on.
08:52I'll just wait outside for you.
08:53I'm like, no, stay.
08:56Why would you go out?
08:58Just stay here.
08:59Plus, I don't take my clothes off anymore.
09:01I go, no, you're all right.
09:02I'll just pull my knickers to the side for you.
09:05I go, chuck it in.
09:06Trust me, it'll fit.
09:09If your doctor's not comfortable with that,
09:11then respect them.
09:12Say, hey, don't worry about it.
09:13I'll lower myself down on it.
09:20All righty.
09:21Let's take a good look down there,
09:22see what's going on.
09:23You feeling okay?
09:23No, I feel like you're about to shuck my oyster.
09:26Right, well, you might feel some pressure.
09:27You just scream out if it feels too uncomfortable at any point.
09:29Okay.
09:29Okay.
09:30Well, in we go.
09:32Oh.
09:35What?
09:36What's wrong?
09:38That's interesting.
09:39What's interesting?
09:42Huh.
09:42You have, in my personal and professional experience,
09:47the smallest vagina I've ever seen.
09:49Is it?
09:50Tiny.
09:51Oh my gosh!
09:52And quite frankly, petite.
09:53That's amazing.
09:54I don't think I was going to hear that today.
09:56Can I get a second opinion on this?
09:57I'd love it.
09:58This is going to make Mark's day.
09:59Hey, Mark!
10:00This one of the boxers, the best thing ever.
10:02Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
10:03Oh, whoa.
10:04The whole gang's here.
10:05I should have sold tickets to this show.
10:08It's extraordinary.
10:09I know, I've never seen anything like it.
10:11It's quite remarkable.
10:12Oh, thank you.
10:13What do you think?
10:14That is officially the smallest pussy on record.
10:17Oh, well done.
10:20Mine's huge.
10:20Yeah, no, it is massive.
10:21I can hear it.
10:22It sounds like the ocean.
10:24Emergency, excuse me.
10:25I've got London on the line.
10:26Hi, London.
10:28Good Lord.
10:29Thank you, London.
10:30Tell me Ben, it's a no.
10:35Oh, fisherman, what do you think?
10:36It's so small.
10:38I kiss it, throw it back.
10:40Has anyone actually measured it?
10:41It's a flawless melee.
10:43D-colour, I have clarity, but with a brilliance and sparkle beyond its weight.
10:47Wow.
10:47What do you think, designer of toys with many small moving parts?
10:51It's basically a choking hazard.
10:53You've got to keep Pinocchio out of there.
10:55That boy tells one lie.
10:58This is honestly the best day of my entire life.
11:00Right, well, now let's check the anus.
11:03Oh, I don't need to do that.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:07Oh, my God.
11:08Guys, it only looks big because my vagina is so small.
11:16I like your hair like this.
11:17Thank you, bubby.
11:18It's gorgeous work.
11:19Okay, lovebirds, welcome to your wedding cake tasting.
11:24Bon appétit.
11:25I've been waiting for this day for longer than the actual wedding date.
11:29Gosh, you know cake is my everything.
11:31Shall we?
11:32Yes.
11:32Let's do it.
11:33Mmm.
11:35Mmm.
11:36That is to die for.
11:37The best.
11:38Oh, good.
11:38Wow.
11:38Thank you, ladies.
11:39It has been a privilege to bake for such a beautiful couple.
11:44Oh, my God.
11:46Yeah.
11:46But now for my favourite part.
11:48The wedding cake toppers.
11:50Oh, this is God.
11:51I didn't sleep last night.
11:52Okay, first up, we have the lovely Lisa.
11:59Oh, my God.
12:01Wow.
12:02Oh, my God.
12:02I love it.
12:03And also, do you recognise that's your mum's wedding dress?
12:06Baby, did you do that for me?
12:08I did do that.
12:08Making this was like carving the Venus de Milo.
12:12Oh, thank you.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:14Now, you're private.
12:16I'm so nervous now.
12:17Don't be nervous.
12:18Yes, I am.
12:19We have Ursula.
12:20What is this?
12:22Why is it so heavy?
12:24It's this thing made from lead.
12:25This is hideous.
12:28This thing is a hunchback of Notre Dame.
12:30It should be living under a bridge and not be on top of a couch.
12:33Look, I think she looks beautiful.
12:35There's nothing in this that looks like me.
12:37Well, this thing's got lopsided tits.
12:39That's not me.
12:39Hey, I love your lopsided tits.
12:42Look at the butt on this thing.
12:43Kim Kardashian on this side.
12:45Paris Hilton on this side.
12:46It looks like a bulldog and a chihuahua trapped in a bag.
12:49And why is this nose this size?
12:51It's like half the face's nose.
12:52And what is this white stuff in the front here?
12:55Did a seagull shit on it before he brought it out?
12:57This is hideous.
12:58Okay, all right.
12:59Now, listen, I've never once had a complaint.
13:01Well, allow me to be the first.
13:03Now, I have made a backup.
13:04Would you like to see it?
13:05Yeah.
13:05Thanks.
13:05Okay.
13:06Fantastic.
13:06I think you're going to like this one a little bit more.
13:08Aw.
13:09What do you think of that?
13:13We think that's you.
13:15I wouldn't have thought so.
13:17It's got the hat.
13:18It's got the apron.
13:18It's even holding another little cake topper in its cake topper hand.
13:22Would you look at that?
13:24So is.
13:26Let's just see what it looks like.
13:29There.
13:32I don't think we can work with this.
13:34Are you trying to muscle in on my marriage?
13:37Oh, I see what's happening.
13:38You want to steal my bride?
13:39Take it.
13:40Have it.
13:41Live your lives and I will steal your cake.
13:43You can't steal something you've already bought.
13:49Oh, babe.
13:55I can see it now.
13:58Enjoy each other.
13:59We'll leave.
14:05Did you guys watch the pool cruise?
14:08Listen.
14:11My heart, when people say, you should do a comedy cruise, I would rather run full speed into a fucking
14:16woodchipper.
14:19Why would you risk going on a cruise when the possibility exists that a crew member will hand you a
14:25bag and go, henceforth, you'll be shitting in that.
14:29No, thanks.
14:30I watched that pool cruise thing and even if you haven't watched it, you can figure it out.
14:34Poo cruise.
14:36It's like, you didn't have to watch Two Girls, One Cup.
14:38You just know it's gross.
14:42So, the thing that disappointed me the most about that pool cruise documentary is the fact that no one butch
14:48lesbian took control of that ship and went,
14:50Oi, no one's shitting in a bag.
14:53Okay, we're all going to be shitting over Starbird.
14:57If you need to go for a ship, just hang your ass over the side of the ship.
15:01It's a little trust exercise with your partner.
15:03They will hold your hands as you're shitting over the side of the ship.
15:06And just watch your mouth.
15:07Don't be saying stuff like, you're just like your mother.
15:12One of my biggest passions in life is crime documentaries.
15:17Who loves a good crime documentary?
15:18Yes, how good.
15:19Do you hear how that's a lot of women?
15:21I think it was, even with me, like, I am slowly planning the perfect murder.
15:26I reckon I'm about this far away from nailing it.
15:29I just need to figure out a way to get my mother-in-law to my house without a paper
15:33trail to me.
15:35I'm kidding, she's dead.
15:38Just to me, she's still alive.
15:40To other people, she's dead to me.
15:48I've got a job.
15:49Classic smash and grab.
15:51Bank heist.
15:51And to pull it off, we need an elite team.
15:54That's why I brought all you here.
15:57Leo.
15:58Best safe cracker in the game.
16:00I'll get in.
16:01I'll get out.
16:03Like a ninja.
16:04Like a ninja.
16:05Barker.
16:06Weapons specialist.
16:07Anyone gets in my way?
16:11I'll get in there.
16:12Neils.
16:13Getaway driver.
16:16McCain brothers.
16:18Muscle.
16:19And lastly, the brains of the operation.
16:24This is Ursula.
16:26Hello, boys.
16:27How's it going?
16:28Who the hell is this?
16:29I've never heard her know.
16:30Ursula?
16:31Oh, I'm the mastermind of the operation.
16:33Popcorn anyone?
16:34What makes you think you're the mastermind?
16:36Simple.
16:36I've watched every single true crime documentary ever made.
16:40So I know how to get away with every crime.
16:42Bullshit.
16:42You can't have seen them all.
16:44I mean, there's far too many.
16:45Mate.
16:45I'm a stay-at-home mum.
16:47I watch it while I'm doing my chores.
16:49Tell them what you know, Urs.
16:50I know how to rob banks and boost diamonds and swindle women on Tinder.
16:54I know how to lead cults and run pyramid schemes and kill people on staircases.
16:59You name it.
16:59I had a consult on the London job.
17:01Didn't those guys get caught?
17:02Yeah, but they wouldn't have if they'd used their left hands to write the ransom note.
17:06Got that one from the jinx.
17:08It's my favourite.
17:09Ursula knows everything that's going to happen before it even happens.
17:13That's right.
17:14Now prove it.
17:14Easy.
17:15Usually on a hoist like this, the day before, one of the members just up and leave without explanation.
17:19You know what?
17:20What the hell with this?
17:21I'm out of here.
17:23Told ya.
17:23And then someone in the team will just turn up dead.
17:29And the murderer is usually someone you would least expect.
17:31Like a male family member.
17:33That was him.
17:37God, she's good.
17:38Good?
17:39We just lost three of our men.
17:41Who's going to be our muscle?
17:42Who's going to drive us?
17:43Bigger worry.
17:44Who's the rat?
17:45Rats.
17:46Not rats.
17:46Well, on a tight group like this, one of you is normally a narc.
17:50And in this group, I'm going to say...
17:57It's you.
17:58What?
17:58Marker!
17:59The saying isn't so!
18:00I don't know what she's talking about.
18:03Why?
18:04He's a cop!
18:05Really?
18:06It's not what it looks like.
18:19Cut is blown.
18:20Send backup.
18:21Really, Parker?
18:22How could you?
18:23I'm sorry.
18:27I knew that was going to happen.
18:29Right, so I'll kill the cop.
18:30Any advice?
18:31Well, try not to leave any DNA at the scene.
18:33Whatever you do, do not go on a true crime docker and accidentally confess.
18:37So embarrassing.
18:38Thanks, Alice.
18:38You're the best.
18:39Watch your baby.
18:41What are you doing, Leo?
18:42Parker was my friend.
18:44And my lover.
18:45Oh, yeah, I forgot to say.
18:46Usually I'm one of these things.
18:47Someone always falls in love.
18:49Why didn't you say something?
18:51Are you kidding?
18:51This is the best part.
18:53Put your gun down, Leo.
18:55You put the gun down, big dang.
19:02Oh, my gosh.
19:06Best crime and wine night ever.
19:08It's pretty exciting.
19:09God, I could kill for a finger bang.
19:11I'll tell you what.
19:12One of these boys is still alive.
19:13It'll be a whole different night.
19:18All right.
19:19Well, I guess what we can take away from this is make sure you get your checkups.
19:23Go to the doctor.
19:24Go talk to your doctor.
19:25But also make sure it's not a creepy doctor that'll bring 40 people in to look at your
19:28clacker.
19:30But I must go now because I have to hop on a cruise so I can go join Fat Fuck
19:34Island.
19:35You guys have been absolutely amazing.
19:37Good night.
19:40One second.
19:42Get in the car.
19:43Yes, get in the car.
19:44It's freaking fine.
19:46One second.
19:47Yeah, Mike.
19:48Here we go.
19:49This is progress.
19:50This is the slowest I've ever seen anyone.
19:54Is he going to thank me for that?
19:55Where's my wave?
19:57And there it is.
19:57He's waving.
19:58No.
19:59That was a hand on a mirror.
20:02What kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave?
20:05Do you know the danger you put us in now that I have to aggressively overtake you just to
20:08flip you off?
20:09Wave!
20:10I'm going to get out of this car, rip your head off and shit down your lungs.
20:13Stick your hand in the air!
20:15Loose!
20:16No, no, you're right, guy.
20:18You're right.
20:19Oh, he's lovely.
20:26Holy hell, look at you!
20:28Oh, it's very lesbian central in here.
20:32Look at all the lesbians in this room.
20:34Holy shit!
20:35I mean, I know there's other people too, but you know.
20:38No, no, no.
20:39Welcome to the straight people.
20:40I'm an ally.
20:41Make some noise if you're heterosexual.
20:44Yeah.
20:44Oh, put your hand down.
20:46I'm an ally.
20:47I'm an ally.
20:48I am with you guys.
20:49Both my parents are straight, so I feel you in my heart, okay?
20:54Listen, it's tough for us too, okay?
20:56We have to do our own research.
20:57And I want you to know, when I came out of the closet, I was 26 years old.
21:00This was back when Jesus was a boy.
21:03And back then, there were two.
21:06There were the gays, who were the guys.
21:08And then, there were the lesbians, who were us.
21:12And we had no work for each other.
21:14We never talked.
21:15We kept to ourselves.
21:16And then one day, the gays came up to us, and they went, hey, lesbians.
21:20And we went, what?
21:24And we took off our tool belts.
21:28And then the gays said to the lesbians, hey, lesbians, look at that.
21:31And we're like, what is that?
21:33And the gays went, those are bi's.
21:35And we went, bi what?
21:37Bi now, gay later.
21:40And you know what we did?
21:41Because we didn't understand what they were.
21:43We didn't understand what bisexuality was.
21:45So, we went over to them and we go, so, who do you guys do?
21:50And they explained it to us.
21:52And we're like, all right, come on.
21:53Let's start an alphabet.
21:55This is a very soft trigger for people.
21:58People are like, you know, I don't understand the alphabet.
22:00You know, the alphabet mafia.
22:03The alphabet mafia.
22:04You guys are taking the whole alphabet.
22:06I go, yeah, bitch, we're coming for the numbers next.
22:08Actually, I just found out there's a number in there now.
22:10There's two.
22:11There's a number two in there.
22:12I'm as surprised as you are whenever I see it.
22:15I go, holy, holy, what?
22:18Why are all those letters there?
22:21Like, I'm out of breath at the end of it.
22:24And I have to think about it.
22:25I'm LGBTQIA plus two.
22:34Does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf?
22:37Is your house falling apart?
22:40Because he never fixes what he says he'll fix.
22:42Yes.
22:44You need to hire a Les.
22:46That's me, as an animation.
22:49Hi, I'm Lesley Beyond, CEO of Hire Les,
22:52the largest and fastest growing all-female home maintenance company in the world.
22:56We're also the only one.
22:57Let's face it, your husband is terrible at DIY
23:00and he will get lost in your Bermuda Triangle.
23:03But not our highly trained Lesbitarians.
23:06They're great at both of those things.
23:09Our services include, but are not limited to hinge repair, men's repair, painting, installing smoke detectors, fingering, repairing, drywall, fixing,
23:15baking, plumbing, hammering, and slowdown swaying to constant craving by Katie Lang.
23:19But don't just take my word for it.
23:21Listen to all these satisfied customers.
23:24She was thorough.
23:25Very thorough.
23:26Oh my God.
23:27Oh my God.
23:28So thorough.
23:32Hire a lesbian ruined my life.
23:36House looks great, though.
23:38Hire a Les today.
23:40Satisfaction guarantee.
23:42Honey, can I come back in?
23:45Are you guys watching the cricket?
23:47What's the score?
23:49She was a regular woman, dealt a life-altering diagnosis.
23:53You've contracted early onset Karen.
23:56This is the life of a Karen.
23:59Our Karen now finds herself here.
24:01The Karen Clinic.
24:04This is perfect for you.
24:06Is it?
24:06Yeah, they've got Fox News running all day.
24:08It is freezing in here.
24:10Well, hello, ladies.
24:11Welcome to the Karen Clinic.
24:13How can I help you today?
24:14I'd like you to explain what's colder than what just Ted in here.
24:17It's my auntie.
24:18She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen.
24:20I understand.
24:21We have a lot of ladies like her here.
24:23The doctor says it's terminal, and I really want to take care of her myself.
24:26It's just been really hard.
24:27You're doing a fantastic job.
24:29Well done.
24:29It's not easy.
24:30Hi.
24:31I'm Dr. Madison Emerson Addison.
24:33What a horrible name.
24:34Poor bitch.
24:35How do you feel about a little look around?
24:38What we're finding is these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karens.
24:42It's why we built this amazing state-of-the-art facility so these middle-aged white women
24:45have somewhere to go to complain and argue and just be angry, free-range.
24:51Hey, why are you so loud?
24:53You're causing noise pollution.
24:55Sorry, this is frightful women.
24:56I'm going to phone the council.
24:57This is nonsense.
24:58Yeah, I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle.
25:01I'm filming you.
25:02I'm watching you.
25:03This is going on the internet.
25:04I have to get off the phone.
25:05I need to record something.
25:06Don't worry about it.
25:07We have expert staff that intercept every call on the property.
25:11This is our telephone interception reception.
25:14Where we take all of our calls.
25:15These guys will role play any complaint line.
25:17From local council, to police, to the shopping centre.
25:21Hello, this is your husband speaking.
25:24I'm an arsehole.
25:25Tell me more.
25:26This is incredible.
25:27What do you think?
25:28Listen, I found your secret stash of Kit Kats in the garage, you filthy truffle pig.
25:32Yes, I am a truffle pig.
25:34I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet.
25:35I know it's good for your holes.
25:36I'll get a salad next time.
25:38You're just like your father.
25:39She's doing really well.
25:42What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.
25:46All right.
25:47Everybody ready?
25:50A young person, on a bike, on the grass.
25:53How does this make you feel?
25:54I'm fine.
25:57A jeep parking too close to your RAV4.
26:02No.
26:04No big deal.
26:08Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch with her chuzzies hanging out.
26:12Oh.
26:13Cut!
26:15Yes.
26:15It's a family event.
26:16Put some clothes on.
26:17We can see what you have for breakfast.
26:18That is inappropriate.
26:19Okay.
26:20That is inappropriate.
26:21Tets, no one else is dressed like that.
26:22The mum's got lovely.
26:23It's Christmas.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:24It's inappropriate.
26:25You can see her breasts.
26:25That is inappropriate.
26:26Warning.
26:27Hit.
26:29Not again.
26:29It's inappropriate.
26:30No, no, no.
26:31In with the breath.
26:34Out with needing to see the manager.
26:40I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go.
26:42Like, what if she hates it here?
26:43Well, then she'll complain.
26:45That should really cheer her up.
26:47Look.
26:48She's already settling in.
26:50Thank you, Doctor.
26:52Of course.
26:57Do you know what I find fascinating?
26:59The female form.
27:01The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it?
27:04And I think when you talk to men, it just really brings home how little you fucking know
27:08about stuff.
27:09I talk to my brother and some of my male friends, very little, but I do, and I say to
27:14them, what
27:14do you know about the female form?
27:16And they go, it can grow a baby and it gets very aggressive when it gets its period.
27:23Well, I've got news for you, boys.
27:25Wait till it stops.
27:28You might get five minutes a day of clarity.
27:31And the rest of the time is fuck you time.
27:34Okay?
27:35But at least science is on board and they've provided us with HRT patches.
27:40Are you familiar with HRT patches?
27:42Yes.
27:42So you get this little patch and it's got estrogen, you put it on you.
27:45And then when someone comes up to you and they say some unnecessary shit, or they look
27:49at you, or, you know, they breathe, and then that patch goes, oh no, she needs estrogen.
27:55Give it to her now.
27:57Sometimes it's not enough and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit.
28:02But then we're at the nightmare where globally there was an HRT shortage last year where
28:08we could not get the patches.
28:09Only women my age and up knew how many times a day your life was in danger.
28:15I go to my doctor, I go, do we have patches yet?
28:18Is it back?
28:20And she go, no, but I do have Viagra.
28:25Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference between a penis and a breast?
28:30Wouldn't you?
28:31If you go, you know what, I'm going out on Saturday, I don't want to wear a bra.
28:36And then you pop two Viagras and both your tests are...
28:40Yeah, of course, once you're over the age of 50, you walk into a room like you're in
28:43a zombie film.
28:56Morning, detective.
28:58So, I hear you've got yourself a new partner.
29:00Yeah, some hot shot from the city, Detective Biggs or something.
29:03The Detective Biggs?
29:05She brought down the medias, can't tell.
29:07They say she's brilliant, but unconventional.
29:09Yeah, much like this guy's.
29:11That's the truth.
29:11Move, nutsack!
29:12Shit, sorry.
29:13You must be Detective Biggs.
29:15You must be in my way.
29:21I'm giving you batteries in my neck fan.
29:22I'm melting over here.
29:23You're sweating.
29:24It's like three degrees Celsius.
29:26Yeah, it's a scorcher today.
29:27Sister's a male.
29:28Thank Christ.
29:2932 years old.
29:30Time of death, 11.30pm last night.
29:32Looks to be death by a sharp object.
29:34Probably that axe.
29:38Well, well, well.
29:39The only thing sharper than this axe is you, detective.
29:41Obvious.
29:41Must have been top of your class at police college, eh?
29:45Hmm.
29:46Washing shoulder.
29:47That's weird.
29:49Typical.
29:49At this stage, motive remains unclear.
29:52Is it?
29:53You got a theory?
29:54Yeah.
29:55I have one or two.
29:55Maybe the victim is really fucking annoying.
29:58And just kept droning on and on and on.
30:01It's hardly a motive for murder.
30:03Oh, it is.
30:03Just doesn't make any sense.
30:05Look, I know it must be hard to multitask,
30:06what with breathing, blinking, and keeping your mouth shut.
30:08But there was clearly a struggle.
30:10And with another man.
30:10You can't have that.
30:11There's no DNA evidence.
30:12Oh, there's DNA evidence.
30:14Look at this.
30:14A whole pile of washing folded, but not packed away.
30:16Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete.
30:19The towel on the door.
30:20This is not where it goes.
30:21It's supposed to be in the bathroom.
30:23Only a man would hang in here and go,
30:24this is helpful.
30:25My God.
30:27You smell that?
30:29Oh, yeah.
30:30Fresh skid marks, just as I suspected.
30:32Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush.
30:34And then they just put the fan on and didn't spray.
30:36You need to spray.
30:37If you don't spray,
30:38you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom.
30:41Classic male behavior.
30:43Wow.
30:43Stop breathing.
30:45Can you hear that?
30:46Someone's breathing like a fog on.
30:47It's getting on my tits so bad.
30:50The killer's still here.
30:51They can't be.
30:52We searched the whole house.
30:53There's no one here.
30:59There he is.
31:00Come and get him, boys.
31:01Let me guess.
31:02You had a bit of a man look.
31:06Now it's beautiful to watch.
31:07I bet you like to watch.
31:09Maybe.
31:10Want to go for a drink sometime?
31:11Me and you?
31:12Yeah.
31:13Uh, no thanks.
31:15As soon as you asked me,
31:16my vagina's just going.
31:22My God, she's good.
31:28Optimize your life.
31:30Hello everyone and welcome back to Optimize Your Life.
31:32Now last episode,
31:33I was lucky enough to interview
31:34the author of The Let Them Theory.
31:37Incredible interview.
31:37Check it out if you haven't already.
31:39But that book has already sparked
31:40a new wave of self-help books.
31:42And my next guest is the latest to jump on that craze,
31:45is Isla Carlson.
31:46Am I saying that right, Carlson?
31:47Yeah.
31:47Welcome to the show.
31:48Thank you so much for sharing space with me
31:50and giving us some of your wisdom.
31:53Can I just say that I think self-help books are bullshit.
31:56I'm sorry.
31:57You can just sit back from the mic.
31:58You can just sit naturally like that
31:59and it picks it up.
31:59So your book was inspired by The Let Them Theory,
32:02wasn't it?
32:03If by inspired,
32:04you mean hated every moment of it.
32:06Yeah.
32:06Okay.
32:07Can you speak to that?
32:09I'm saying The Let Them Theory
32:11is putting a bitch back by about 90 years.
32:14Because we've been training these junior bitches up
32:16saying, hey,
32:18stand up for yourself.
32:19Now this book goes,
32:20no, someone's mean to you,
32:21let them.
32:22Your kids are out of control,
32:23let them.
32:24At work, they're being suck asses,
32:26let them, let them, let them, let them.
32:27I'm not about that life.
32:28Wow.
32:29Fascinating.
32:30Fascinating.
32:30Now tell us about your book.
32:31What is it called?
32:32My book is called
32:34Headbutt, A Motherfucker in the Mouth.
32:36Yeah.
32:36Okay.
32:36There is an evocative title, isn't it?
32:38And let is not in there.
32:39No, it's not.
32:40Wow.
32:40Can I have a little hold of that?
32:43There she is.
32:44Break down the theory for us.
32:45How does it work?
32:46Well, it's quite simple.
32:47You're out.
32:48You identify a mofo in the wild
32:51and you headbutt them
32:51right in their stupid mouth.
32:52So give me some examples then
32:54of how I could implement
32:55the H-A-M-F-I-T-M theory
32:58in my day-to-day life.
32:59You're in a coffee shop.
33:00The person in front of you
33:01takes ages to order.
33:02There's a queue behind.
33:03Okay.
33:03Right?
33:03So now you've identified them
33:05as a mofo.
33:06Just pull your head right back
33:07and you headbutt them,
33:09straighten them out.
33:09Wow.
33:10You know, it's provocative,
33:12but yet very simple.
33:13This must have taken you
33:14quite a long time to write.
33:15Yeah, a better part of three hours.
33:17Three hours a day.
33:18I mean, that's it.
33:19No, no, three hours.
33:20I mean, there's 182 pages of photos.
33:23Oh, so there is.
33:24Just of all the motherfuckers
33:24that I've headbutted in the mouth.
33:26Can we break down this moment here?
33:28Oh, that's Crystal.
33:29That's my neighbor,
33:29Crystal and her dog, Otto.
33:31Oh.
33:31I had to headbutt her in the mouth
33:32because she kept putting
33:33shitty nappies in my bin.
33:35And I think the thing
33:36that made me so angry
33:37is she doesn't have a kid.
33:38Now, Izala,
33:39I obviously didn't want to
33:40have to bring this up,
33:41but you will be aware, obviously,
33:42that the London-based writer,
33:44Harriet Twipple,
33:44has made claims
33:45that you have stolen her idea
33:47from her book,
33:48Flick a Bitch on the Tits.
33:50Do you want to respond to that?
33:52No, I don't,
33:53because I clearly didn't.
33:54One is about flicking tits,
33:55so it's not the same.
33:57Okay.
33:57So you deny that you were inspired.
33:58You and Harriet
34:00can eat my arsehole.
34:01Well, I'm just starting to feel
34:02a lot of aggression coming my way,
34:03so I'm just going to wrap us up.
34:05It's been another fascinating episode
34:06of Optimise Your Life.
34:08Can I just have my book back?
34:09You can have your book.
34:10Oh, God.
34:13Oh, f***.
34:16Optimise your life.
34:19I don't know how to tell you guys
34:20this is why I'm single now.
34:21I know.
34:22I know.
34:23I know.
34:23I know some of you
34:25would have been following me
34:26for a while and gone,
34:26I thought she was married.
34:29I was.
34:30But I found a way out.
34:34Turns out it's not a hostage situation.
34:36You can leave.
34:37It costs slightly more
34:39than the wedding.
34:40But f*** is it worth that?
34:42But you know what?
34:43Because we're lesbians,
34:44so we're still best friends, right?
34:46We actually still lived together
34:47for a few years
34:47and then we finally got divorced
34:49and I did repartner,
34:50but I had to break up with her.
34:53Because, you know what?
34:54She's one of those people
34:55who like to shower together
34:57and I don't like that.
34:59I don't like that at all.
35:01I'll tell you what,
35:02apart from the fact
35:03that you don't wash your arsehole
35:04the way you're supposed to
35:05when you're in the shower
35:05with someone.
35:06Well, you don't.
35:07You're in there with someone
35:08and you just take
35:08half a squirt of a shower.
35:09That's it.
35:10And that's it.
35:11When you're in there by yourself.
35:16You're in there by yourself.
35:18Goes through a lot of shit.
35:21But also,
35:21I didn't want to be with her anymore
35:23because of the shower thing
35:24because I've got a little
35:24corner shower,
35:26you know,
35:26one of those little
35:26triangular ones
35:27with the curved doors
35:28that when you open it,
35:29it only opens that wide.
35:30I need a run-up and a pray
35:32to get into that shower
35:33in the first place
35:34and it's got a dome on it
35:35to keep the moisture in
35:36because if you don't,
35:37I live in Auckland,
35:38you can hear your clothes
35:39moulding in the covers.
35:40I'm like, no.
35:41And I was there
35:42the day the guy put it in.
35:44It said,
35:44shower for one person.
35:46So we're already
35:47breaking the rules.
35:48With the two of us
35:48being in there
35:49and it wouldn't be so bad
35:51but she's one of those
35:52annoying adults
35:53who like to wash her feet
35:54and you don't need
35:54to wash your feet.
35:56You're an adult.
35:57What are you running
35:58barefoot through the paddock?
35:59You're fine.
36:00Just squirt a bit of shower gel
36:01on the one foot
36:01and the other foot
36:02can do that and that.
36:04But no,
36:05she's up there
36:05lathering up a face cloth.
36:06Really?
36:07So how was your day?
36:09Oh, so you enjoy that?
36:11Guess what's happening
36:12with me
36:12while she's doing that?
36:15I'm plastered
36:16against that curved door.
36:18And because it's curved
36:19the one tit is up here
36:20and the other tit
36:21is down here
36:22and my possum
36:23is trying to escape
36:24through the crack in the door.
36:27You know what's my biggest worry?
36:29Because I have children
36:29so you know
36:30one of them's going to come in
36:31and ask me something stupid
36:33like,
36:33do bunnies have knees?
36:34and then they see me
36:36and they're like,
36:37ahhh!
36:38I can't believe you're 49.
36:40How was your birthday?
36:41No, I told you
36:42I had the best birthday ever.
36:44Any cheeky prezzies?
36:45The best.
36:46I got the best prezzies
36:47and then I got this invite
36:48to what I assume is an orgy.
36:51I can't really put my finger on it.
36:52In a church or something?
36:53Oh, you saucy mix.
36:54Tell you what,
36:55they say 49.
36:56I say 45.
36:58We are here today
36:59to warn the loss
37:00of Ursula Carson's cougar ears.
37:02What the hell?
37:03This looks like a terrible orgy.
37:05I've been coerced.
37:07Listen.
37:08Like so many horny women before her,
37:10Ursula became a cougar
37:12on her 40th birthday
37:13when she entered her sexual prime.
37:16But today,
37:16on her 49th birthday,
37:17that cougar is officially deceased
37:19and she's now just some
37:21invisible middle-aged lady
37:22taking up space
37:23in a post office machine.
37:25Let's hear
37:26from some loved ones.
37:29Hi, I'm Jill.
37:30I hooked up with Ursula last year.
37:32I'm really glad I got in
37:33just in time
37:34right before she passed over
37:35to the other side
37:37of middle age.
37:38And I should have seen the signs
37:40because right after we did it,
37:43she offered me a boiled sweet.
37:44I'm sorry, I can't.
37:45Because I was soothing on your throat.
37:47Hey, I don't think we need
37:48to listen to anyone else.
37:49I've always found Ursula very sexy.
37:52I know, girl.
37:52Let's hear this one out.
37:53I'd see her walking down
37:54the street sometimes
37:55and as much as I hate
37:57to see her go,
37:57I love to watch her leave.
38:00You know what I mean?
38:01Yeah.
38:02But now she's a 49-year-old crone.
38:04Now when I see her
38:05walking down the street,
38:06I just worry.
38:07She's going to have a fall.
38:08I'm not going to have a fall.
38:09I'm still spry as hell.
38:11Ah!
38:13I mean, fuck you, but thank you.
38:15Join us now as we farewell
38:17Ursula's sexy underwear.
38:21Hey, that one actually still fit.
38:23My favourite nipple rings.
38:25My mum left me those in her will.
38:26And now the ceremonial transition
38:28to more age-appropriate
38:29undergarments.
38:30Nominate patrie, lingerie, sexist.
38:33Alice is a parachute.
38:34Why do they already smell
38:35like potpourri?
38:37Hey, guys, 49!
38:40But I'm still hot!
38:41Hot flashes don't count.
38:42I'm a swinger.
38:43Yeah, a mood swinger.
38:44No, I'm still adventurous.
38:46Like eating dinner
38:47after 5pm.
38:48Hey, zip your slit!
38:50What I'm saying is
38:50I'm still a cougar
38:51and I'll prove it.
38:52I will shag
38:53any one of you
38:54right now, right here
38:55who wants some of it.
38:56Come on, here!
38:56How about you?
38:58How about you, Father?
39:00You want to...
39:00It must be lonely
39:01in that monastery.
39:02It's so sad
39:03but I just want to let go.
39:05Ashes to ashes,
39:06dust to dust.
39:07Herky boobs
39:07to saggy bust.
39:09We will remember her.
39:10Okay, so now that I turn 49
39:12none of you want to do me anymore?
39:13Oh, no, no, honey.
39:15That's just the end
39:16of your cougar years.
39:17You've got a much more
39:18exciting era ahead of you.
39:20What's that?
39:21Welcome, Ursula Carlson,
39:22to your...
39:24gilf era.
39:26Gilf, eh?
39:26Mm-hmm.
39:27And who are these?
39:29Ready cases.
39:30I can work with that.
39:32Ladies.
39:34Wow.
39:36Anyway, since we've
39:37started filming this,
39:38I just got some word
39:39that the LGBTQIA...
39:41We've added three letters
39:42in this 27 minutes
39:44and an exclamation mark.
39:46And the exclamation mark
39:47is just for people
39:48who are sick of everyone's shit.
39:50So if you identify
39:51as an exclamation mark,
39:52there we go.
39:52We've got a brand new member
39:53in the front here.
39:54We'll add you
39:55to the email group.
39:57You have been amazing.
39:58Good night.
39:59You are looking gorgeous.
40:02Feeling it?
40:03Love it.
40:03Hello.
40:04Got a little hair
40:05on your shirt
40:05I just grabbed up.
40:11Oh.
40:12My.
40:13God.
40:14That's no stray.
40:15That sucker's attached
40:16to my tit.
40:17It's breached the shirt.
40:19That is amazing.
40:21And disgusting.
40:21Why is it so long?
40:23Well, we're going to need
40:24more than those
40:24spaghetti arms, sweetie.
40:26Just pluck it.
40:28Just pluck it.
40:29Can I get a hand?
40:33Oh.
40:42Oh, no.
40:43Oh, no.
40:45Oh, no.
40:46Let's go.
40:46I've got another one.
40:54Oh, stop it.
40:57How are you?
41:00So, yes, I'm.
41:02Can I just say
41:04how impressed I am
41:05with us as a people
41:06that this year
41:08has been the year
41:09of the tit.
41:10Like, it has been
41:11such a strong year
41:12for tits.
41:12Like, I have signed
41:13more boobs this year
41:14than I have
41:15any other time
41:16in my entire career.
41:17And some of them
41:18were even on women.
41:21Thank you, Jesus,
41:22that I'm a lesbian,
41:23that I can enjoy
41:23these little delights
41:24in life.
41:26And that's not
41:27the only reason
41:28that I'm so happy
41:28that I'm a lesbian
41:29and an interwoman
41:30because, you know,
41:31I look at straight people
41:31and I go,
41:32you poor bastards.
41:33You have no idea.
41:35Gay couples,
41:35that makes sense to me.
41:36You're on even par,
41:37but these couples,
41:38what is.
41:40You poor bastards.
41:42Like, because men
41:42aren't ready.
41:43You know, women,
41:44our natural talent
41:45is to argue.
41:46That is our gift
41:46that Jesus gave us.
41:48He gave us a memory
41:49and a fucking storage tank
41:51that can hold
41:51all the shit
41:52your partner
41:53has ever done.
41:55We even take notes
41:56when his mum goes,
41:57you know,
41:57he used to be
41:57real naughty as a boy.
41:58He goes,
41:58save that.
42:00I can pull that
42:01back up later.
42:02But men,
42:02you're just not equipped.
42:04Like, I see
42:04when I see
42:05straight couples fight.
42:06It's like,
42:06you know when you see
42:07a little boy,
42:08like a four-year-old
42:08race his dad?
42:10Dad usually,
42:10at the end,
42:11just go,
42:11and beats him
42:12and the boy's devastated?
42:14Yeah,
42:14that's straight couples.
42:16You think
42:17you can call
42:18some shit out?
42:18Oh,
42:19you saw her coffee cup
42:20in the lounge
42:20and everything.
42:21Don't worry,
42:22I've taken your cup
42:22to the kitchen
42:23for you.
42:26You want to talk
42:27about the cup
42:28in the lounge?
42:29Because I've been
42:30meaning to talk
42:30to you
42:32about the giant
42:33blobs of toothpaste
42:34in the sink
42:36after you've
42:36brushed your teeth.
42:37That's why
42:38she doesn't
42:38kiss you anymore.
42:40You know,
42:40when you get
42:40to a part
42:41in your relationship,
42:42you're like,
42:42we're never pash anymore.
42:43Remember how
42:44we used to like,
42:44hey, hey, hey, hey.
42:46Why don't we
42:46ever do that anymore?
42:47It's like,
42:48this motherfucker,
42:48I don't know
42:49how you brush your teeth.
42:54Great dinner, babe.
42:56Well,
42:56it was teamwork,
42:57but a chicken.
43:01Did you rinse that?
43:02Huh?
43:03Did you rinse that?
43:04Did you see me rinse it?
43:05You know you're
43:05supposed to rinse it
43:06before you put in
43:06the dishwasher,
43:07otherwise you're
43:07going to clog
43:08the dish valve.
43:08I've told you this.
43:09Don't snap at me.
43:10Well, I've told you
43:11this like a dozen times,
43:12but you never listen.
43:13What do you think
43:14happens?
43:14It just magically
43:15washes itself?
43:16I mean,
43:16how hard is it
43:17to rinse plates?
43:18I'm going to argue
43:18with you, Timothy.
43:19Yeah, well,
43:20I do, Abigail.
43:22I need you to know
43:23that women take
43:24arguing very,
43:26very seriously.
43:27So I need you
43:28to ask yourself,
43:29are you ready
43:30to argue
43:32with a woman?
43:33Yeah.
43:35Okay.
43:37Wait,
43:38what's that?
43:39Timothy,
43:39you had your chance
43:40to pull out
43:41and you didn't.
43:422019,
43:432015,
43:44here we go.
43:45Christmas Day,
43:472012.
43:48You had a good old
43:50look at my sister's
43:51tits while she was
43:52cutting up food.
43:53How is that relevant?
43:54I mean,
43:54no one didn't.
43:55Yeah, you did.
43:55She was wearing
43:56a loose linen top
43:57and as she leaned forward,
43:58it presented an opportunity
43:59and you stared directly
44:01and her ample bosom.
44:03I might have glanced.
44:04Are you acting?
44:05Let's go to the tape,
44:07shall we?
44:08Yes,
44:08fine.
44:09Yes,
44:09I'm holding
44:10a sliver.
44:11Look at that.
44:12Direct.
44:14I've never seen her
44:15that focused
44:15in your entire life.
44:16I was just looking
44:16at the sourdough.
44:17Like her slicing technique,
44:19all this,
44:19it was,
44:19it's fascinating.
44:20Oh,
44:21that's interesting.
44:22Let's have a look at this.
44:23Same year,
44:24New Year's Eve,
44:2511.43pm,
44:26you were overheard
44:27talking to our neighbour,
44:28James,
44:29about my sister's tits.
44:30No.
44:31Can the court stenographer
44:32please read those comments
44:33back to us?
44:36James,
44:37can you pass me
44:37one of those cans of beer,
44:39Timothy Shaw can?
44:40Hey,
44:40speaking of cans,
44:41you know who's got
44:41some really great cans?
44:42All right,
44:42that's inadmissible.
44:44The court would like to call
44:45witness 13C
44:46to the stand,
44:47please.
44:48Talk us through
44:48what you witnessed.
44:49Did you see anyone
44:50making any gestures
44:52with their hands
44:53on the night?
44:54I believe it was
44:54something like,
44:56honk,
44:56honk.
44:57Oh.
44:58And is the person
44:59who went,
44:59honk,
45:00honk,
45:00and caught here
45:01today with us?
45:02Yes,
45:03it was him.
45:04All right,
45:04you win.
45:05I'm sorry,
45:05I give up.
45:06No more questions,
45:07Your Honour.
45:07I find the defendant
45:08guilty on three counts
45:09of dead shittery
45:10and all counts
45:11of being a perc.
45:13Thank you,
45:13Your Honour.
45:15This is fun.
45:16We should cook together
45:17more often.
45:17I love it.
45:22You should call
45:22a plumber.
45:24That valve's
45:24going to be
45:24super clogged.
45:31It's this one,
45:32it's recycling.
45:32We've been through this.
45:33No, no, no.
45:34Daylight savings.
45:35The contents
45:35have been changed.
45:36What?
45:37Where did you read that?
45:38Oh, here she is.
45:39It's hire a lesbian.
45:39Perfect.
45:40Hello there.
45:42Thanks for coming,
45:42hire a lesbian.
45:44Hi.
45:45Call me Leslie.
45:46I'm your friendly
45:47neighbourhood hire a
45:48lesbian consultant.
45:49Trust me to do the jobs
45:50your hopeless husband can't.
45:51I'm glad you're here.
45:52My ears are starting to ring
45:53after all the nagging.
45:54Yep, yep, yep.
45:55This one.
45:56How about you leave
45:56all the joking to me, pal?
45:58Hey?
45:58And everything else?
46:00Oh.
46:00So what I'm going to do,
46:01I'm going to start off
46:02by mowing your lawn.
46:03Yeah.
46:04Now I'm going to cut your grass.
46:06Wonderful.
46:06And then I'm going to
46:07clean out your chimney,
46:08get all those cobwebs
46:09right out.
46:10Yeah, so she's ready
46:10to burn.
46:12God.
46:12Do you know what I mean?
46:16He doesn't know.
46:17I take a lot of time,
46:18but a good time.
46:19A thorough time.
46:20Yeah.
46:21That could be good.
46:22Right, honey?
46:22Yeah, I could be into that.
46:26Don't know why you do that.
46:31It's good to get the meals.
46:34That just seems inefficient.
46:36Impressive.
46:37Yeah, we love this.
46:38I love this.
46:39Would you like some tea?
46:40What?
46:41Would you like some tea?
46:42No, I don't like you.
46:43I'm going to get you some tea.
46:47There she goes,
46:49hammering away.
46:50Good on her.
46:51How do you take your tea?
46:52Harder.
46:53Harder.
46:54Harder.
46:54Don't know what that means.
46:56Do you take milk?
46:56Yes.
46:57Yes.
46:58Yes.
46:58Okay.
46:59Heard you the first time.
47:00Yes.
47:01Yes.
47:02Yes.
47:02It's going in so deep.
47:03Oh, my God.
47:04What's going on in here?
47:06Oh, some people call it carpentry.
47:08They call it foreplay.
47:10Foreplay?
47:11I know about foreplay from the hardware store.
47:131,200 long with a laminated back.
47:15Foreplay?
47:16He don't bother.
47:17He doesn't get it.
47:17He never has.
47:19Okay, I'll just leave this here.
47:21Yeah, just leave them.
47:23Door open or closed?
47:24Open.
47:24We don't care.
47:25Bye, bye, bye, bye.
47:27Wait, wait, wait.
47:27Okay.
47:29So you want to go in real deep, but slow and steady, but keep your pace.
47:34All I want to say is the only thing that we should take from men are your toilets.
47:40We're going to take the toilets because even right now, as you're sitting here, the women
47:42are already starting to stress because they need to go to the toilet and you know we have
47:46to line up to use the toilet like we're farm animals.
47:49And I'm like, why are we struggling?
47:51We need to take the men's toilets.
47:53We need to take it off them.
47:54You boys can just piss in the street like you do anyway.
47:57There's not one person in here who's not stumbled down an alleyway and saw some random
48:02two o'clock in the morning dick, right?
48:04You guys can just go piss down a drain or piss in a bottle or piss in anything.
48:07You can literally piss in anything.
48:09We know you can't do it in the toilets, Flatterfree.
48:13So what we're going to do is we will take your toilets.
48:16And ladies, I'm putting a urinal in for us.
48:18Like a trough.
48:20Because of course it's the only way we can do it.
48:22We can't be standing against the wall.
48:24So we go in and you just kind of climb over that thing.
48:29I mean, obviously we all have to face the same way.
48:32You can't get one over eager lesbian coming in going, don't mind if I do.
48:37They're like, no, Leslie, no.
48:40But guys, you've got to help a bitch out.
48:42Because you know we go through a lot when we have to line up.
48:45That's why women are always closer than men.
48:47We're easier to talk to each other because we practice when we're standing in the queue
48:50to use the toilet because we're all standing there waiting for our turn to hold the door.
48:56We just shuffle on little bits by little bits when our tits are touching her back
49:01because you've got to keep it tight.
49:02And all the men are just...
49:05And that is why we need our own urinals.
49:07And we are coming to take them from you.
49:31How long have you guys been waiting?
49:32I don't remember.
49:34I don't remember.
49:39Oh, that's some bullshit.
49:45Hey, what's it like in that?
49:47Is there soap?
49:48What's the toilet paper like?
49:50It's one ply.
49:52And there's only two cubicles for all of us.
49:54Oh, stop.
49:55There.
49:56No, no, this can't be.
49:58My molars are floating in my head.
50:00I need to piss right now.
50:01My tena is to the brim.
50:03This is bullshit.
50:07Why must we be treated like second-class citizens?
50:10We are human, too.
50:11We deserve to piss freely like the men do.
50:13If you cut us, do we not bleed?
50:15If we are busting, do we not piss?
50:17I piss.
50:17I don't know about you, ladies, but I can't stand idly by it
50:20while men can just go toilet wherever and whenever their tiny little dicks want to go.
50:25Hell yeah!
50:26They don't have to queue.
50:27They don't have to wipe.
50:28They don't even wash their hands.
50:30They don't even really need a toilet.
50:31They can piss wherever they like.
50:32I've seen a guy piss in a coke bottle.
50:34I've seen a guy piss out of a window.
50:35Have you ever pissed out of a window?
50:36No, because you're not a goddamn animal.
50:38What can we do?
50:39We can fight back.
50:40That's what we're going to do.
50:41We're going to take their toilets from them.
50:43Women pissing in the men's room.
50:45I've heard about girls who do that, but I always thought it was just a myth.
50:49If they want us to work like men and repress our feelings like men,
50:52then by God, we shall piss like men.
50:55Out of the trenches and into the trough.
50:57Out of the trenches and into the trough.
50:59Out of the trenches and into the trough.
51:00Out of the trenches and into the trough.
51:02Yes!
51:09Yes!
51:11Yes!
51:28You made a murder board of all the possible suspects.
51:31Ah, this is my wish I could murder board.
51:33Murder board for the case is over there.
51:36Getting into the mind of the killer.
51:38Brilliant.
51:40I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer.
51:43I understand the desire to kill on such a deep cellular level that it scares the shit out of me.
51:50And it should make your piss run the ice cold.
51:56There's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board.
52:00What did they all do that was so bad?
52:02This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic.
52:05This guy here, three and a half minutes of a monologue at a dinner party.
52:09Drove me nuts.
52:10This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket and he was just doing this weird little dancing.
52:15Like that, like that.
52:16And every time he did that, he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the queue.
52:20And I had to gently remind him by ramming his ankles in my fucking trolley.
52:24So frustrating.
52:25Yes, that's pretty bad.
52:26Bad?
52:27It's evil.
52:28I would kill them if it wasn't illegal.
52:31Or if I knew I could get away with it.
52:34Wait.
52:36Is that a furrow of me?
52:41Here you go, Detective.
52:42Thanks.
52:42Did you file that affidavit I gave you this morning?
52:44Oh, no.
52:45It's been quite busy out on the front desk.
52:46I'm losing the will to live.
52:47It was a yes or no question.
52:49No.
52:51In that case...
52:59I can't sort that out now.
53:02Do you think that was a bit harsh?
53:04Maybe you'd need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down.
53:08Calm down?
53:09Mate?
53:10I'm calm.
53:11I'm as calm as they come.
53:13Just not seem calmer in your entire life!
53:16I showed up calm!
53:17Oh!
53:18I'm calm as all hell!
53:22No!
53:23Damn it!
53:25Oh, my lucky pup.
53:29Calm down!
53:31Calm down!
53:32I'm calm!
53:34I'm calm!
53:39I'm calm!
53:52I'm sorry, Detective.
53:55You were right.
53:57You did calm me down a little bit.
53:58I'm going to go for lunch.
54:00How about you clean up this mess before I get back and no one gets hurt?
54:03Hey?
54:08It's asbestos.
54:11Hi, I can see your age in this room.
54:13I can sort of get a vibe for you.
54:15And do you remember...
54:15Oh, not you two.
54:16But do you remember how we used to dance in the 80s and 90s?
54:20Do you remember going to the club and we'd all be done?
54:25Do you know why we had to dance like that?
54:26Because deodorant only lasted for three hours.
54:29You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air.
54:31People would pass out.
54:32But then the deodorant companies came to the party.
54:34They go, we'll give you six hours.
54:35Then we'd start dancing with the fingers like...
54:39Then the deodorant companies went even longer.
54:42Now it's 24 and 48.
54:43There's a deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours.
54:47What are you, trapped in a mind?
54:50Who needs 72 hours?
54:52In a 24-hour cycle, you've got to put your ass in water.
54:57You've got to be fresh.
54:58You've got to get in there and scrub everywhere.
55:01And I mean everywhere.
55:02Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower gel.
55:05Get a loofah, lather that bitch up and get involved.
55:09And wash everywhere.
55:12I mean, if you don't want to put the loofah on your asshole, that's fine.
55:15You do the shower gel and check that the foam comes out clean, you know.
55:20I know, I can hear you know how to wash your asshole.
55:22I didn't have to explain that to you.
55:25Also, you've got to be fresh.
55:27I'm telling you now, you've got to be fresh all the time.
55:30Because if you're not, when you stink, you make the rest of us paranoid.
55:34It doesn't matter how fresh I am.
55:36If you are not fresh, you walk past me.
55:40Fuck, is that me?
55:41I start questioning myself like I've never met me.
55:45Now I have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know.
56:14Hey, hey, hey, what's up, what's up?
56:15Welcome to the house of Anastasia.
56:18We love you, Anastasia.
56:20Thanks, doll face.
56:21My next single is a dance hall banger.
56:23And I need you to bring the heat.
56:27Travis.
56:29Travis, just show me what you got on the choreography.
56:31Okay, let's hit the track.
56:49We'll just cut the track there.
56:50Sorry, just one second.
56:51Yeah, sorry.
56:52What are you doing?
56:53Dancing my heart out.
56:54Who is she?
56:55Ignore her.
56:56She's from a, um, she's from a lesbian outreach program.
57:00I think we should just ignore her.
57:02Maybe even cut her, because I don't think dancing was very good.
57:05Well, maybe I do agree.
57:06She wasn't dancing very good.
57:07I think she was dancing great.
57:10Yes!
57:11Yeah, you got the talent.
57:12Yeah, I'm talking about it.
57:13Okay, Ron.
57:14So, Ursula, are you ready to step up to the streets?
57:17Yes, I train.
57:18I'm ready to take center stage with you.
57:20You better save the last dance for me.
57:22Naming early 2000s dance films, because, um, um, because Dirty Dance, it's the 80s.
57:28This is hard.
57:29Hey, Coyote Ugly.
57:30Zip it.
57:30Yeah.
57:31Hit the track.
57:32Dancers, step up.
57:34Lock it in.
57:35See, this is hard.
57:36Lock it in.
57:37With 49-year-old ladies having a heart flush.
57:39Yes.
57:40Hop!
57:40I got finger guns.
57:41I got finger guns.
57:42Okay, I'm going to just call it the finger guns, sorry.
57:44It's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes.
57:47I have been a drunk auntie at a wedding, and I think that's me.
57:50That's exactly what it's going for.
57:51You've got me.
57:51And I've got you.
57:52Hit it.
57:53It's late, and the vodka's hit hard.
57:56Yeah.
57:56Dancing.
57:57It's 90% eyebrows.
57:58Get them up.
57:59I can do the side of my face.
58:01That's how we get the straw out of the drink.
58:03Oh.
58:03I do that a lot.
58:05Get your tits set up.
58:07Stretch your butt.
58:08Stretch your butt.
58:08Where's my keys?
58:09Where's my key?
58:10No, enough, enough, enough, enough.
58:11I can't watch another second of this.
58:13I am a trained dancer, okay?
58:15I want to be doing, like, body rolls and spins.
58:18You shouldn't do any of that at your age.
58:19It'll make you sick.
58:20I am 34 and 13 months.
58:22Look, Anastasia, can we please just do my choreography?
58:25I'm a bit confused.
58:26Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?
58:30You did, Anastasia.
58:31So I think that I can choose who's doing the choreography.
58:35All right, then.
58:35Well, who are we going to pitch?
58:56This is stupid.
59:06I told you that was going to happen.
59:08Oh, my God.
59:09What are you eating?
59:12I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight.
59:16But I also don't want you to leave here tonight thinking I don't like men,
59:18or I don't think that men have a special talent.
59:21Of course you do.
59:23You know, men are extremely gifted.
59:25When your wife is not feeling great, you go,
59:27why don't you put on a bit of a happy face?
59:29Why don't you smile a bit?
59:30It's adorable, and I think it's your strengths.
59:33I think the fact that you have that absolute sheer inability to read a room,
59:36I like it.
59:37You guys have been great.
59:39Thank you so much.