00:06Do you wish you could take back the worst day of your life?
00:53Can you smell my vagina?
00:56Not, uh, no.
00:59I'm not saying you look like a pervert or anything.
01:02I've got nothing against perverts.
01:04My Uncle Trevor was a pervert.
01:07Sorry, I made this weird.
01:09I didn't mean to make it weird.
01:12The thing is, I sort of haven't been home yet.
01:17Now, this is wild, so wait for it.
01:20Yesterday, afternoon, I went to the birthday party of a two-year-old.
01:26My friend's little girl.
01:28I mean, well, I mean, our husbands work together.
01:31I've only met her twice.
01:32But it was a classroom party, obviously.
01:34Hence, et voila.
01:37I'm like an angel, basically.
01:40You know, like from the Bible.
01:41I was just checking that I didn't smell sort of thing.
01:45Because like I said, I haven't been home.
01:48I actually think I might still be drunk.
01:50I'm Jenny, by the way.
01:52I am great fan of parties.
01:55Reliable.
01:55I'm usually the first person to arrive and the last person to leave.
01:59That being said, even I know that sometimes you just gotta go home
02:04and wash off your congealed mascara and change your dirty panties.
02:07Am I right?
02:14I hate waiting, don't you?
02:16So fucking boring.
02:24Me and my husband are trying for a baby.
02:28I think my womb is fucked.
02:31Isn't that kind of funny when people say that, you know?
02:34Trying for a baby.
02:36Basically just means he's ejaculating inside me constantly.
02:39But, you know, in a romantic, organized way.
02:41And I don't really mind him doing it.
02:44It's just nice to feel wanted by your husband, you know?
02:48Even if it is mainly to be used as an incubator
02:51to grow a miniature version of him inside me
02:53to feed his faltering ego.
02:55Oh, he's an AI counselor.
02:57We've been together seven and a half years.
03:00Ah, we met at a sushi bar.
03:01He did have a brief dalliance with flavor from accounts.
03:04But that was more my fault
03:05because I made him feel insecure about his receding hairline.
03:09And I think he'll be a great father.
03:11You know?
03:11He's really wide.
03:13And, you know, we always talked about having kids.
03:16I just...
03:17I hope that they inherit my bone structure
03:19because Laszlo's built like a potato.
03:23Laszlo's my husband, by the way.
03:25Lapsided penis.
03:26And I know that it sounds like a cliché,
03:29but I just know that I was born to be a mother.
03:34I'm patient and I'm...
03:38Kind, you know?
03:39I've got so many Tupperwares.
03:42And whenever I hold another person's baby,
03:44it stops crying.
03:45Like, right away.
03:48Plus, I'm not afraid of poop.
03:50Or of accidentally killing it.
03:54Anymore.
03:56Also, kids fucking love me.
03:58Seriously.
03:59The kid next door obsessed with me.
04:02He's very sweet, actually.
04:05Tyler.
04:06He runs out to see me whenever I get home.
04:08It's like he waits for me.
04:11Listening for my car.
04:12Like I got some creepy, adorable little stalker.
04:20I used to babysit him.
04:23Back when we first moved in.
04:26Yeah, just weekends, you know,
04:28or the odd evening after school.
04:31It's not really a big deal.
04:33Well, I mean, it was a big deal at the time
04:36because I really look forward to it.
04:38But I hardly ever think about it now.
04:42I wanted his dad to sit on my face.
04:45I know.
04:46The truth is that Carl, my neighbor,
04:49is the sexiest man on earth.
04:52And he's got those tanned, veiny hands
04:54that you can just imagine fondling your breasts.
04:59Was going out to take out the trash,
05:01and he just appeared.
05:04Like a mirage, leaning over the fence.
05:07Hey, neighbor.
05:09He purred, his chiseled jaw catching the light.
05:12And the trash bag split my ovaries exploded.
05:16It was like I went into some kind of a weird trance.
05:19You know?
05:19I know that he was talking something about lawnmowers,
05:22but all I could focus on was Adam's apple.
05:27So prominent.
05:30I had this overwhelming urge to just suck it.
05:33And then his son came bounding over.
05:35Thank God.
05:35I think I agreed to babysit purely out of embarrassment.
05:40That, and also, I wanted to snoop around Carl's house
05:44and sniff his dirty boxer shorts.
05:47I was going to trick him into falling in love with me.
05:50So it seemed like an excellent plan.
05:53But I really didn't know how to babysit.
05:56And Tyler liked to talk about Spider-Man.
05:58Did I know that Spider-Man could build a web strong enough
06:01to hold the Hulk?
06:02Did I know that Spider-Man could bench press ten tons
06:05at two $100 per hour?
06:06After a while, I just started to say yes.
06:09Cutting him off before I could finish.
06:10Did I know the Spider-Man?
06:11Yes!
06:12Did I know fucking yes!
06:15Oh, I mean, I didn't say the F word obviously,
06:17but you get my drift.
06:18I mean, it's just hard work pretending to be interested
06:21in somebody when somebody is just like whittling on.
06:23You know what I mean?
06:26Honestly, I think I just thought there would be a lot more sitting.
06:29You know, just hanging out in another person's house.
06:31Got to remember I wasn't being paid for this.
06:34I mean, Carl had offered.
06:36But I thought that if I took the cash,
06:37she'd be less likely to pay me in sex.
06:39I knew I had to make the kid like me
06:41because if the kid liked me, then the dad would like me.
06:44So I let him run wild.
06:46Like a hooligan.
06:48He was riding his bike in the house,
06:50having ice cream for dinner.
06:52Oh, it was so much fun.
06:54The most fun I had in years.
06:57I forgot that feeling, you know?
07:00You know, just to be free and fucking tear shit up.
07:06I felt like I could be myself around Tyler.
07:09He didn't judge me, you know?
07:12And yeah, he talked about Spider-Man a lot.
07:15And he could be a tedious, dweeby little bore,
07:18but he was also just really open.
07:21I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous
07:23because I'm talking about an eight-year-old,
07:24but he'd listen to me.
07:27Like, what I had to say actually meant something.
07:30I have always found it so difficult
07:31to open up to people, ask anybody.
07:34I'm a very closed book.
07:37And Tyler would ask me questions.
07:41And I told them the truth.
07:43The actual truth.
07:44How I hated being Jenny Taylor.
07:47How I didn't blame my reproductive organs
07:50for rejecting me.
07:53How I didn't know if I could ever love my own baby,
07:55knowing that we shared the same shitty DNA.
08:09I mean, he told me about his life too.
08:12How the little turds in his class
08:14would bully him about his glasses.
08:16I mean, I could see why.
08:17They were fucking hideous, but...
08:21I felt this sort of responsibility.
08:23Like, I wanted to protect him.
08:26And then there was this one day
08:27where he just started to cry.
08:33And I remember that I just held him close.
08:38This tiny, lycra-clad, quivering body,
08:41and I started to cry too.
08:47Unashamedly, on the floor of his playroom.
08:49Naughty humans, just hurting.
08:53And afterwards, he looked up at me.
08:56His disproportionately magnified red eyes
09:00without a hint of malice.
09:02And he said...
09:05I knew that Carl had a fucking girlfriend.
09:12And I shouldn't have known, actually.
09:15because there were two toothbrushes
09:19in his bathroom.
09:24And, of course, Carl had a girlfriend.
09:27Why wouldn't Carl have a girlfriend?
09:34Motherfucker.
09:36I met her eventually.
09:39This girlfriend.
09:42Annoyingly beautiful.
09:44One of those thin women
09:45that you just know
09:46has all her pubes lasered off.
09:48French-looking.
09:49I mean, she is fucking French.
09:51But she also looks French.
09:53In an expensive, bread-and-top way,
09:56not in the garlicky way.
09:58Worst of all, she's fucking nice.
10:00Ugh.
10:03I felt kind of pathetic after I saw her.
10:05Kind of silly.
10:07And we think that Carl would have a choice
10:09of somebody like me.
10:10I still carried on babysitting them.
10:12Not because of Carl, obviously,
10:15even though he was still the sexiest man on Earth.
10:18Not because of Tyler.
10:21Yeah, I grew fond of the little dweeb.
10:23As I used to wander around Tyler's messy,
10:26lived-in house in my bare feet,
10:30I used to imagine that it was my house,
10:33that I lived there,
10:34that it was me who was perfect and French.
10:38I used to try on her shoes.
10:40Painful little pointy things.
10:42I had a bath once in their en suite.
10:45And one night, after I made sure Tyler was asleep,
10:50I went to their bedroom.
10:52I looked at myself again in their full-length mirror,
10:55and I told myself out loud how beautiful I was.
11:00How I was too good for them.
11:02How I was a nice fucking person
11:04who deserved a man like Carl
11:06on a hairless French vagina.
11:08And then I just started to get undressed.
11:11First my dress, then my underwear,
11:14till I just stood there, stark buck naked,
11:17wearing nothing but a smile
11:19and her painful pointy shoes.
11:24And I think I must have been very drunk.
11:27And I must have dozed off.
11:30Because next thing you know,
11:31I am awoken by this God Almighty scream.
11:35Why are you in my bed?
11:37Why are you naked?
11:39I'm just my shoes!
11:41And obviously all the screaming woke up Tyler.
11:44Who just stood at the top of the stairs,
11:46asking me what was wrong.
11:48Don't worry.
11:50Everything is fine.
11:51I told him.
11:53But Carl threw me out of the house,
11:55and he hissed in my face,
11:57don't you ever come around here again.
11:59If I ever see you so much as talk to Tyler,
12:02I'm gonna call the police.
12:03That was really humiliating.
12:06There was such hatred in his eyes.
12:08Like, he thought I was a monster,
12:12and so I never went back after that.
12:16I don't think they ever told Tyler what happened,
12:18which is a good thing.
12:21That would break my heart
12:22when he would come running out to see me,
12:24and I'd have to ignore him.
12:28His sad little voice calling over the fence,
12:31Jenny, Jenny, why don't you like me anymore?
12:37I think I might have been his only friend.
12:43In many ways, he was kind of mine.
12:48Our two houses share a driveway,
12:51and still, now to this day,
12:53whenever I get home,
12:54he comes running out to see me.
12:57This little Spider-Man figurine
13:00taps on my Alfa Romeo window.
13:05I mean, it's kind of annoying, actually,
13:07because he's scratching the glass.
13:10I still masturbate over the pointy shoes.
13:18Woo!
13:23What?
13:24What?
13:25What?
13:26Oh, my God.
13:56I can't actually remember what I'm waiting for.
14:04Why the fuck am I here?
14:07I just wish I could remember how I got here.
14:13I was at the party, but I wasn't drinking.
14:19And there were so many dull people talking about their dull children.
14:27I remember one man just showed me an endless VR of his son sleeping.
14:33Since when did sleeping become a spectator sport?
14:38Just beige conversation with beige people, eating beige food, and it was giving me a stomachache.
14:47So I went and I hid in the downstairs bathroom.
14:52It was quiet in there.
14:54The hum of the fan was like white noise.
15:00And I let it wash over me as I sat on the toilet with my underwear on my ankles.
15:07It had been four weeks.
15:10Four weeks of waiting.
15:15I thought I'd have finally worked this time.
15:20I was five days late.
15:23And I knew I would love her.
15:26Because Tyler showed me that I was worthy of love.
15:31And I could feel it inside me.
15:34This new missing piece.
15:36You know, my body just told me.
15:39My nipples were sore.
15:41I had this weird metallic taste in my mouth.
15:47But, um...
15:48Then I saw it on the tissue.
15:52Blood.
15:54So much blood.
15:56So much blood.
16:00The missing piece I had been praying for.
16:04Dead in my underwear.
16:08You know, I don't even know how long I was in there.
16:10But somebody was banging on the door.
16:14And I didn't have any stuff with me.
16:16So I just ransacked the cupboards.
16:18But there wasn't anything.
16:20I could just find tissue paper.
16:21And I already blocked up the toilet.
16:23So I just got out of there as fast as I could.
16:27I didn't make eye contact with anyone in the line.
16:31And I walked straight over to the buffet.
16:35And I poured myself a large glass of Pinot Grigio.
16:39And I downed it.
16:41And then I poured myself another.
16:43And I kept knocking them back.
16:46Until my heart didn't hurt anymore.
16:48Until I couldn't hear all the two-year-olds playing.
16:52Until I was numb and buzzy.
16:57And then it was like the party seemed so much better then.
17:04Like it was suddenly full of possibilities.
17:08I wanted to talk to people, you know.
17:10And I was mingling with the crowd.
17:12I was laughing and dancing.
17:16I was being really funny.
17:17I was being vivacious.
17:19I had this bottle of vodka.
17:21And I was just pouring it into people's mouths.
17:24And I could sense very clearly that Colin was depressed.
17:30So I dragged him across the garden over to the drinks.
17:34Colin needs a Bailey's.
17:37And I grabbed the bottle out of the icy water.
17:40But then it was like slippery and cold.
17:44And we fought over the screw cap.
17:47And the next thing, we're on the floor.
17:52Absolutely hysterical.
17:53And I'm sloshing the Baileys all over his face.
17:59And then people start shouting, crowding around us.
18:04And Laszlo's there too.
18:06Like his face is all red.
18:08And he's saying, you're embarrassing yourself.
18:10You need to go home.
18:12And it's nasty.
18:15And it's hostile.
18:17A sea of angry faces.
18:18And I can feel the shame flushing my cheeks.
18:22And, you know, I try to explain.
18:26But everybody hates me.
18:28People are pointing at me.
18:30And then I can see somebody laugh.
18:33And I think we're all aware of the situation.
18:37And I look down.
18:39And I see that I bled through my dress.
18:47And I just, I, I just need to get out of there.
18:52So I, I push my way through the barrier of bodies.
18:58Hot, salty tears stinging my eyes.
19:03And I just, I need to go home.
19:07And I, I know that I shouldn't drive.
19:11But it's only around the block.
19:13So I stumble into my Alfa Romeo.
19:16And I scan my retina to start the ignition.
19:20And I slam my foot hard on the gas.
19:24Speeding away from all of the pain.
19:28And there's tears in my eyes.
19:31Blurring my vision.
19:32The humiliation there.
19:34It's still in the car.
19:36Like an unwanted guest in the passenger seat.
19:41And the road seems distorted.
19:44Warped and unfamiliar.
19:46But I know that I'm nearly there.
19:48So I cling on to the steering wheel.
19:52And as I swerve around the bend.
19:55And I could see my driveway.
19:58But I'm, I'm gaining speed.
20:01Flash of a mailbox.
20:02I rub it in my eyes.
20:04I'm losing control.
20:07But I slammed on the brakes.
20:09But it just happened all so fast.
20:11The horrible impact as I crash.
20:13And there's colors and cracking and limbs.
20:20And a Spider-Man figurine.
20:25And a Spider-Man figurine.
20:35No!
20:40No, I didn't.
20:47I didn't.
21:02Consciousness upload almost complete.
21:05She's ready for cerebral extraction.
21:08Let's just make it quick.
21:09I'm supposed to be on lunch.
21:12I'm supposed to be on lunch.
21:17I'm uploading her memories now.
21:19It'll take, you know, ten minutes.
21:21Oh, shit.
21:22You know who this is?
21:23This is that kid killer.
21:25Oh, shit.
21:26You're right.
21:27I know she's a memory donor.
21:28But who's gonna want her memories?
21:30You'd be surprised.
21:32Shame she didn't die in that crash.
21:34Coma feels too easy.
21:35You know what?
21:36Fuck it.
21:36I'm taking lunch now.
21:38I'm gonna let her sit in that memory a little longer.
21:40Hey, any idea what soup it is today?
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