- 29 minutes ago
Sideswiped - Se1 - Ep03 HD Watch HD Deutsch [Full Movie] [Recommended]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:28You
00:34Oh, ladies, it better be worth it. This hurts so bad.
00:37Oh, it's worth it. I saw the before.
00:39Did you guys start without me?
00:41No, relax. It just started.
00:43Mom, are you getting on your phone the whole time?
00:45Ever since my fake age turned 50, nobody wants to go out with me.
00:50I love that you only lied about your age by a few years.
00:52Yeah, that was stupid.
00:54You didn't make coffee.
00:55No.
01:00Hey, how's Tindering, Liv? Let me see your phone.
01:02No way. Get a hobby, okay?
01:04Mom, you need to get back on it.
01:05I don't want to get back on it, okay?
01:07I just want to date the normal way.
01:09This is the normal way.
01:11Do you know what your problem is?
01:12You pick the last guy based on looks.
01:14We should be going through your messages.
01:16Don't you have, like, a million?
01:17Yeah, I do have, like, a million messages.
01:20Check this out.
01:21Oh, my God. Okay, let me see.
01:25Oh, wow. 90% of these just say,
01:29Okay, none of these guys know how to spell your.
01:32Oh, here's a nice one.
01:33Your face, my body, 15 minutes.
01:37I don't even get it.
01:38I don't either.
01:39Buy me food?
01:41This guy's homeless but still on Tinder somehow?
01:43Oh, I get it.
01:44Your face, my body, 15 minutes.
01:46That's stupid.
01:47I still don't get it.
01:49This one's funny.
01:51Hey, I have an extra ticket to Kris Kardashian's TED Talk.
01:54Want to come?
01:54He's cute.
01:56Okay, he's 37, a lawyer, and he's funny.
01:59Just give me your phone so we can message him.
02:01Get off! I'm already doing it.
02:02No, no, no, no.
02:02You're such a bad flirt, though.
02:04Do you remember when you said to that guy,
02:05I like your scuba suit?
02:06Scuba suit! That was cute!
02:08If I was going to lower my age,
02:10how young do you think I could go for?
02:1350, 40.
02:14Oh, my God, my mom.
02:15You're horrible.
02:17Just stick it with the 50, Mom.
02:18It's good.
02:19It's good.
02:26This is my house
02:29And I'm doing what I want
02:32This is my house
02:34Girl, you look fucking amazing.
02:37You think?
02:38Yeah, your body is like out of control of bananas.
02:42It's Friday night
02:47Do you think this makes me look younger?
02:48Trying to update my Tinder profile?
02:51Shut up.
02:52Let me see your profile.
02:54I live for a makeover.
02:58My selection of pics.
03:00You know, your angles.
03:02You know, you should really get on oomph.
03:04My mom is on oomph,
03:05and she's, like, killing it,
03:06and you're way hotter than my mom.
03:07I'm not old enough to oomph.
03:10Listen, how about I style you
03:12and take your picture,
03:13and then you'll crush all the apps.
03:15I'm going to get you some serious app-loving.
03:17Follow me.
03:18The shoe section has the best lighting,
03:19which is really weird, but whatever.
03:21I'm Brittany, by the way.
03:22Hi, Brittany.
03:36Josh?
03:37Olivia.
03:38Hi.
03:44Hi.
03:45Hi.
03:45Nice to meet you.
03:47Yeah, let me get that.
03:51They said we have a few minutes
03:53for our tables ready.
03:54What's your drink?
03:55Vodka soda would be great.
03:57Vodka soda for the lady.
03:59Ooh, for the lady.
04:00So formal.
04:01Sorry.
04:02Vodka soda for this chick.
04:06Were you waiting long?
04:08Oh, no, no.
04:08I just got here.
04:09Oh, okay.
04:10You look really pretty.
04:12So do you.
04:13I mean, you look really nice.
04:16I loved your profile, by the way.
04:18Most of the guys in there are such doucheous.
04:20And you get extra points for saying
04:21Kris Kardashian instead of Kris Jenner,
04:23because that means you don't really know who she is.
04:25I know that she's the mom.
04:26That is all you need to know.
04:28That is all the world needs to know.
04:31Do you want to start a tab?
04:32Oh, no.
04:33Here you go.
04:35Oh, here you go.
04:40Oh, here, I'm sorry.
04:41I didn't...
04:41Oh, no, don't worry about it.
04:44I didn't think I'd be telling you this
04:45in the first 30 seconds of meeting you,
04:47but obviously I'm in recovery.
04:53Who isn't these days, right?
04:59No, I'm not an alcoholic.
05:02Uh, actually, I'm in Sex Addicts Anonymous.
05:06That was my five-year trip.
05:10Cool.
05:12I think that's really admirable of you, Josh.
05:17I appreciate you telling me.
05:21I'm sorry, I don't know any more words
05:22that I'm supposed to say after that.
05:24I know it's not exactly what you want to hear
05:27on the first date,
05:30but I could tell you more about it
05:31so you understand what it is, if you want.
05:35Sure.
05:36Yeah.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Oh, please.
05:39Sex addiction is not a real thing.
05:41It's just something that assholes say
05:42when they get caught.
05:43That's what I thought, Mom,
05:44but after he finished explaining it to me,
05:46I totally believed him.
05:47Is he even allowed to have sex?
05:49Yes, but only if there's an emotional connection.
05:52Oh, yeah, Mom, he sounds like a real asshole.
05:54I don't know.
05:55This just all sounds like a path to VD.
05:58It's not called VD anymore, Mom.
06:00Okay, whatever.
06:00The clap.
06:01The clap?
06:02Isn't that chlamydia?
06:03No, the clap is gonorrhea.
06:04No, no, it's definitely chlamydia.
06:06No, it's gonorrhea.
06:07Clap is chlamydia.
06:08Clap, chlamydia.
06:09No, gonorrhea.
06:10Look it up.
06:11God damn it.
06:12It's gonorrhea.
06:12Mom was right.
06:13See?
06:13Really?
06:14Never question your mother.
06:15Is gonorrhea the one that burns?
06:16Hey, Mom, guys, nobody is getting gonorrhea.
06:19What do I do?
06:20He wants to go out again.
06:22Okay, he's cute, he's a lawyer, he's a homeowner, and he's funny.
06:26So what if he was a sex addict?
06:28I mean, he's in recovery.
06:29That's four out of five.
06:31Okay, if a guy who calls himself a sex addict isn't a deal breaker,
06:34then why is age a deal breaker on Tinder?
06:36I don't get it.
06:37Okay, because that's not the same thing.
06:38This girl at Rock Etiquette, she told me I should go on oomph.
06:41Can you believe that?
06:42Oh, you know what?
06:43Oomph would actually probably be really good for you.
06:45A Tinder five is like an oomph 11.
06:47Did you just call me a five?
06:49What is oomph?
06:51It's Tinder, but for old people.
06:52See, no!
06:53That's offensive.
06:54No, it's not offensive.
06:54I'm just saying you might be able to end this dry spell of yours
06:57with somebody who can maybe read and has a job.
07:00Had a job?
07:02In the 70s.
07:03Sorry.
07:04I'm at least a Tinder seven.
07:06Yes, you are.
07:08Let me just see the guys on this thing.
07:11He wears diapers.
07:16Olivia, hello.
07:17What are you doing?
07:18You have two people on hold.
07:19You haven't finished any of your DRs.
07:20Are you feeling okay?
07:21Danny, do you think it's a deal breaker if someone's a sex addict?
07:25You're dating a sex addict?
07:27Shut up!
07:28Close the door.
07:29I'm sorry.
07:30This is so exciting for you.
07:32I like this moment for you.
07:34Oh, thank you.
07:34Oh, God, who even am I right now?
07:36I'm so slutty.
07:38If you think that slutty, you should go through my camera roll.
07:40God, he's so nice, though.
07:42He's so sweet.
07:43And he can only have sex with people he connects with.
07:45When in the history of mankind is a guy say that they need to connect in order to have sex?
07:49I mean, he's a unicorn.
07:50Yeah, he's super rare.
07:51No, he's one of a kind, Danny.
07:53Unicorns aren't rare.
07:54They don't exist.
07:55If they don't exist, why can't there be two?
07:57I mean, either way, this guy's like a sexpert.
07:59I mean, you can sleep with him once and learn as much as sleeping with ten other guys.
08:03That's not being slutty.
08:04That's just being smart.
08:16Oh, my God.
08:17That smells so good.
08:18It's pomme de finrois.
08:21Mmm, I love that.
08:24You have no idea what it is, do you?
08:26Yes, I do.
08:27It's pomme with de finrois sauce.
08:31It's potatoes.
08:32It's the side dish.
08:34I was just trying to sound fancy.
08:35It did sound fancy.
08:36Yeah.
08:42Well, you know, I'm not really sure I pronounced it correctly.
08:45Oh, no, you definitely did.
08:51Oh.
08:52I got it.
08:53Here, I got it.
08:56Actually, no.
08:58Oh.
08:58Yeah.
08:59Okay.
09:00Excuse me.
09:01Okay.
09:05You feeling a connection?
09:07Yes.
09:07Yeah?
09:09Yeah.
09:17You can't call me mom anymore.
09:18I'm now queen of oomph.
09:2030 matches in one day.
09:21I just love this act.
09:23Oh, my God.
09:23These guys are actually cute.
09:25Queen of oomph.
09:26Well, hello.
09:28Hello.
09:28Someone didn't come home last night.
09:30Oh, shut up, Mom.
09:31You slept with him?
09:33Liv, I told you, you have to wait at least three dates or else they just move on to the
09:36next.
09:37Couldn't help it, Jane.
09:38It was incredible.
09:40Plus, I needed it.
09:41Oh, what?
09:42You didn't get enough from that CrossFit guy?
09:43No, this was different.
09:45It made me feel special.
09:46He told me he hasn't met someone that he likes as much as me in a long time.
09:49Is that the line he used to get you into bed?
09:51I just felt like I didn't know what I was doing with Griffin, and it was just so freeing
09:55how open Josh was about everything.
09:57He taught me how to give the greatest blowjob on the planet, by the way.
10:00There is a trick to it.
10:01Now, please.
10:01I give great blowjobs.
10:03Oh, my God.
10:03I don't want to hear either of you talking about giving blowjobs.
10:06Okay, honey.
10:06Well, then go in the other room, because I want to compare notes.
10:08Okay.
10:08All right.
10:09So, you know how when you're doing it and you're always wondering, like, is he liking
10:12what I'm doing?
10:13Not what confidence is key to a great blowjob.
10:15Okay.
10:15Well, you're perfect.
10:16But anyway, the first thing that he said to do is to kiss it.
10:20Like a peck.
10:21Not a peck, Mom, but like a suckle.
10:24Like right below the tip.
10:27Suckle?
10:28Really?
10:29I'll show you.
10:30No, you realize you're demonstrating how to give a blowjob to your mom using Mr. Squiggles.
10:34And Mr. Squiggles has an exceptionally generous penis.
10:37Okay, fine.
10:37Then I'm not going to show you guys then.
10:38It's my secret.
10:39Well, you know, you started.
10:40You might as well finish.
10:41You still give Jim BJs, right?
10:43Mom.
10:43What?
10:44You got to keep it interesting.
10:45You can't just do the missionary position all the time.
10:47It's boring.
10:48Okay, do either one of you guys want to see this or not?
10:50Yes.
10:51All right.
10:52So the trick is, you have to pull the penis down further than you think you normally would.
10:56Down to about like 15 past the hour.
10:59Not 20.
11:00You don't want to break it.
11:01Like 15.
11:02It says it takes the blowjob to like a whole other level when you do it like that.
11:06You're welcome.
11:07I already knew that one.
11:09I'm sure you did, Mom.
11:11Look, an oomph message.
11:15He's actually pretty cute, Mom.
11:17He's wearing a skipper's hat.
11:20Fixable.
11:21The hats come off.
11:24Is he bald?
11:25Probably.
11:26Probably.
11:41Hey.
11:43Hey.
11:46Hey.
11:47Hey.
11:59Hey.
12:22Ow!
12:23It was so humiliating.
12:26He acted like I was trying to break his thing off.
12:28His thing?
12:29His penis.
12:32Okay, well, maybe you just did it wrong.
12:34Did you... did you move it to 15, Pam?
12:35Okay, a penis is not a clock, Olivia.
12:38Excuse me.
12:39Anyway, then we stopped and went back into our normal routine.
12:42It's always the same.
12:44I mean, he kisses my neck,
12:46and then he climbs on top for a few minutes,
12:48and I'm usually so exhausted, I just fake it,
12:52and then he comes, and then it's over.
12:53My God.
12:55But last night, I think he faked it, too.
12:59What?
13:00Yeah.
13:00I think he faked it.
13:02His orgasm.
13:03No way.
13:04I mean, why would you think that?
13:05Okay, for one, I swear he was soft before he said he came.
13:08Uh-huh.
13:09And then he didn't do that, like, shh, utter, like, thing he usually does.
13:11Oh, my God.
13:13How does that guy even fake it anyway?
13:14I mean, can't you tell when it, like, drips out of you?
13:16Yeah, well, we've been using condoms because I'm pumping and can't go on the pill.
13:21Okay, you're gonna think I'm crazy.
13:23Ugh.
13:25Jane, what the fuck is that?
13:26What?
13:27What have you brought into my home?
13:28Well, I took his condom out of the trash this morning,
13:30so we can see if there's cum inside it.
13:32Wait, what are you doing?
13:33I really need you to get on board.
13:35Oh, my God.
13:37I mean, maybe he just came a little bit.
13:39I can kind of see something right there at the bottom, right below your finger.
13:43Oh.
13:43No, that's spermicide.
13:45Well, maybe it dries flat, you know, like glue.
13:47It's kind of the same consistency, isn't it?
13:49No, it's not flat.
13:49It would be stiffer than this.
13:51Okay, hold on.
13:51It's a worm.
13:55All right.
13:58Okay, well, that's ambitious.
14:00What?
14:01I went to Costco.
14:03Oh, God.
14:04Hold his up.
14:05I just want to see it next to it.
14:08Okay.
14:11I mean, yeah.
14:16I can't make my husband cum anymore.
14:18Look, it's probably just a one-time thing, Jane.
14:20Don't overanalyze it.
14:21It happens.
14:23Nice boobs, Mom.
14:25I'm going out with the skipper.
14:27Okay, if Mom's going out, I'm having the boy over.
14:29What?
14:30What are you guys doing?
14:32Nothing.
14:33God.
14:36That's how my round-the-world trip ended.
14:39With me in a Panamanian hospital without a spleen.
14:42You know, it's amazing how much trouble we get ourselves into when we're too young to realize just how dangerous
14:49it is.
14:52So, is that the reason you wear the hat all the time?
14:55I mean, because of the old days?
14:57Well, first, I am a skipper.
15:01Officially.
15:03Okay, fair.
15:04And secondly, for funerals, weddings, communions, graduations, businesses.
15:13I mean, it's appropriate for all occasions.
15:15So, the stage is on par with the funeral.
15:18Well, it could be the death of my bachelorhood, right?
15:23That was cheesy.
15:25Yes, but did it work?
15:28Maybe.
15:29A little.
15:30Do you know how hard it is to find a beautiful woman like you with a sense of humor?
15:38I mean, how did I get so lucky?
15:40Aw.
15:42Hey.
15:44You want to get out of here and come see my boat?
15:47Boat?
15:48That's not a line.
15:49I actually live on a houseboat.
15:51Sure.
15:52Why the hell not?
15:53Okay.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Okay, Captain.
15:56Or Skipper.
15:57Is there a difference?
15:58No, but Skipper's a lot more fun to say.
16:01Aye, aye.
16:02Skipper.
16:04Waiter?
16:07That was amazing.
16:08It really was.
16:19What are you doing?
16:20Nothing.
16:21Nothing.
16:24Can I ask you a weird question?
16:26Mm-hmm.
16:28Do guys like it when they get their nipples sucked?
16:32Um, I don't know. I've never sucked on a guy's nipple before.
16:37Look, why don't we just talk and get to know each other?
16:40Okay.
16:42Um, okay, one more question.
16:45You know when you're having sex and you're about to cum and they say that if you put your finger
16:51in a guy's butt, it's supposed to make the climax even bigger.
16:55Is that true or is it just weird having a finger in your butt?
16:59Here's a question for you.
17:01Okay.
17:01What college did you go to?
17:04What did you major in?
17:07Um, I majored in anatomy.
17:30I mean, it's no yacht. I designed and built this whole interior. The wood, it's all teak.
17:40Oh, and there's a skylight over the bed, so, uh, you can just lay back any night and look up
17:46at the stars.
17:48Oh, and, uh, over here...
17:54This is a full kitchen. Now, even though it's small, uh, I'm a very good cook.
18:00Please, just sit. Uh, would you like some wine?
18:06Sure.
18:10Uh, here we go.
18:14Uh...
18:15I hope you don't mind plastic, but, uh, we don't allow glass on the, uh, boat.
18:21Of course not.
18:24Um...
18:25So, how long have you lived here?
18:28Well, uh, as soon as my wife passed away, I sold the house and moved here full-time.
18:34Uh, the, uh, the kids are, uh, nearby, so I can see them anytime I want.
18:40But, of course, uh, they have their own lives now.
18:44It does get sorta lonely down here.
18:48Oh, gee.
18:49Can I help you?
18:50No, no, it's-it's okay.
18:52I...
18:55I guess we're not, uh, 26 anymore, huh?
19:02Oh, God! Oh!
19:04Oh, my gosh!
19:05I'm so sorry!
19:07Um...
19:08Oh, here, uh...
19:09That's fine.
19:10Have a towel.
19:10It's fine.
19:11Look, uh, I'll go get you something to put on so that I can, uh, work on that stain.
19:17I'm so sorry.
19:18It's not necessary. It's fine. It's going to be fine.
19:20Oh, I'll get you one of my wife's sweaters.
20:16Oh, God.
20:18Oh, God.
20:18I could do this all night with you.
20:21You're starting to make me feel like you're using me for my body.
20:24Maybe I am.
20:29I'll be right back.
20:31Okay.
20:51Olivia, um, I think we need to talk.
20:57I'm a sex addict?
20:58Is he insane?
21:00What did you say?
21:01It's not funny, Mom.
21:02What could I say?
21:03I mean, the explanation sounds worse than him thinking that.
21:06Sorry, Josh, that's my sister's husband's condom.
21:08We were just inspecting it after she had sex with him.
21:11And then, oh, yeah, we just opened a bunch more condoms just to compare.
21:13Yeah, okay.
21:13That's normal.
21:15Date that chick.
21:16Well, you two have never been normal.
21:19No, we are.
21:20Jane's not.
21:21I think I'm done with oomph.
21:24Why?
21:24I thought you were the queen.
21:26Queens are too old.
21:27I want to be a princess.
21:31Well, look, today might have sucked, but at least there's a new bachelor on the DVR.
21:36This better be the best fucking rose ceremony ever.
21:40I can't believe we're flying to Santa Barbara in a helicopter.
21:42Touché.
21:43I'll wake up with you.
21:47I'll wake up with you.
21:52I'll stay up.
21:53I'll wake up with you.
21:55I'll keep up with me.
21:58You
Comments