- 12 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:23:15where in the holy fuck are you don't worry honey i'm on my way well on my way isn't here
00:23:22if you
00:23:23don't walk through that door in seconds i'm going to phil hartman your ass actually you know what
00:23:30i've just i've just run into some pretty bad traffic on i-25 fuck you pussy you get through
00:23:36that traffic and get here to marry me yeah and you're uh yeah you're breaking up it's it's really
00:23:41hard to hear you right now i'm going to fucking bars we are now going live to the arrival of
00:23:49the
00:23:49final passenger mr capshaw just in time follow me now we're getting down to the wire here so i'm
00:23:55gonna have to get you to sign and walk this first one is a standard release form for the cameras
00:23:59and
00:23:59any promotional material we would use your likeness for okay this one absolves our company from any
00:24:05liability in case of spontaneous incineration incineration uh how often do these explode we
00:24:11don't know yet maiden voyage and all right yeah okay that makes sense this next one absolves our
00:24:17company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown oh does that happen a lot sometimes
00:24:22people go space crazy geez okay well hope that doesn't happen to me and this last one absolves
00:24:28our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy and shoots you or
00:24:32something are there guns on the spaceship you know i don't know the answer to that but i would be
00:24:36happy
00:24:36to look into it for you oh thank you so much that would be great but i am gonna need
00:24:40you to sign real
00:24:41quick no sure right and then steve martin gets this little tear in his eye he's looking at his daughter
00:24:48but all he can see is his little girl oh god damn it cooter why can't we watch the television
00:24:55come on you're doing good mr s cooter where is he he's on tv nobody watch it hey everybody i
00:25:04found
00:25:04another tv in the banquet room we can just power this thing up and cooter crossing the line what is
00:25:12wrong with him oh my god he's bleeding somebody call 9-1-1 it's too late cooter this man is
00:25:19look
00:25:19everybody kyle's on tv there he goes kyle capsha the last passenger onto the shuttle about to leave
00:25:26everyone on earth for more what yeah he's not getting married at all today he's going to mars
00:25:41hello straggler i'm l ron branson welcome aboard
00:25:48pick up pick up you better pick up
00:25:57burn and we are approaching liftoff 10 9
00:26:029 8 7 6 5 5 5 2 1 liftoff
00:26:32okay artificial gravity has set in listen up my fellow astronauts
00:26:38first things first when i call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little
00:26:43about yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh fuck name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i guess but i did
00:27:03stay up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings
00:27:09okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13okay wimmy did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a card did
00:27:20you return
00:27:20his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:26it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33now would you like surprise now or surprise later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials
00:27:40made future tennis seem a lot more futurey and tennessee did you make this game l run well if you
00:27:47guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton future high lie or future darts
00:27:53uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of
00:28:07this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:12to be here
00:28:12oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21wow yeah but i mean i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked
00:28:26up
00:28:26and left for a month your friends will still be there for you when you get back
00:28:30i don't know about that sure they will i just told my friends gang i'll be back in a month
00:28:36and then i left them 20 bowls of food and i filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm
00:28:44gonna
00:28:44assume that you're talking about cats here you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk
00:28:50precisely peggy it's june that milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55what do you mean well i mean that's all you left for your cats to drink
00:28:59yeah what do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three
00:29:05and a half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything
00:29:12anyway like i said your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:18okay friends listen up loser okay i'm just going to pretend i didn't hear that
00:29:27loser
00:29:29the time has come for us to go into stasis now this will be a chemical sleep that will make
00:29:34the
00:29:34next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap
00:29:38he said cats uh is this gonna be like a shot or something
00:29:41no we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills
00:29:45did you say 500 500
00:29:52so we get some more water uh no
00:29:58oh god
00:30:12i slept on my arm weird
00:30:15god does the aerobed half deflated
00:30:17ah my neck
00:30:19elron i'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23how did i get over here
00:30:24well after you guys took all those ambien
00:30:26stop what ambien we took we took 500 ambien
00:30:31haha pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died
00:30:35oh
00:30:37oh wait oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay
00:30:40oh hey did you guys did you guys notice my sign
00:30:43it says welcome to mars a place for friends
00:30:48oh that's yeah that's cool man
00:30:50as you can see i drew each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what
00:30:55do you think
00:30:55uh it sucks it's stupid you're stupid you suck
00:31:01come on todd
00:31:03oh here we go
00:31:05ladies and gentlemen in a few moments the airlock door will open and in front of the watching world
00:31:11we will become the first people to step from this ship and see mars with our own eyes
00:31:24oh this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this
00:31:48is your vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill
00:31:55you now down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first
00:31:59martian lunch at 1400
00:32:04well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of
00:32:10a lot of prayer with you all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have
00:32:20type
00:32:202 diabetes and i don't believe in dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool
00:32:27actually no it's not little kids hate me and uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that
00:32:34that's why i'm here i'm a missionary of sorts i'm going to turn mars into the first completely
00:32:39christian planet okay but there aren't any people on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa
00:32:52elron did you make all this yourself i had a little help from my good friend murdered midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager one more time elron i said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered
00:33:06midwestern homosexual teenager it's an acronym its technical name is mechanical ultra responsive
00:33:14dietary electronic robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary wellness efficiency system
00:33:19tactile edible responsorous nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance expeditious xeno
00:33:24culinary user-aligned lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical electronic robot
00:33:29what but that's a little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern homosexual teenager for
00:33:35short that's really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a one-of-a-kind prototype but in
00:33:41a few years lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans will have its own murdered midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary you said robotic
00:33:52twice hey i didn't name it take it up with the good people at the holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57i'm sorry what it's a company it stands for technological human electronic okay so how does this thing work
00:34:04it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just say whatever you want it to make and it
00:34:09jaeger
00:34:13you got to hit that
00:34:14shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear my pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that
00:34:22shit when they play your song
00:34:24you gotcha you gotcha you gotcha
00:34:26you gotcha
00:34:28oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey
00:34:48wimmy good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you didn't get
00:34:55in my
00:34:55bed yep this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years that i didn't share
00:35:02my bed with
00:35:02my lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for her
00:35:09okay well i'm going to get up 10 4 good buddy
00:35:21there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:32you know what peggy last night was fun you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is
00:35:39a
00:35:39really great group we got here and it's cool that we're on mars
00:35:43and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy
00:35:46fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise oh okay what what's going on what
00:35:59are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future
00:36:02tennis oh right hey wow look at me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like
00:36:15home all right okay lay it on me fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to me
00:36:25baby what do we got
00:36:31what the
00:36:32what the fuck what the fuck
00:36:34wait how is how how how is she here now when you won future tennis i asked if you wanted
00:36:39surprise
00:36:40now or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be here this is bad can we pause can we
00:36:46can we pause for a second can we make the door go back up please no kyle we have to
00:36:50get her out of
00:36:51there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god oh god oh god oh god fuck me
00:36:56fuck me oh fuck ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi i'm candace kyle's fiance that's funny kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i did so this is this is
00:37:12crazy this is also
00:37:13surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later i knew we had to think of something
00:37:19really good for you and as luck would have it right then candace showed up at the launch pad and
00:37:24was
00:37:24going on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you when i found
00:37:29out i said what
00:37:30the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more important than true love that's so cool what
00:37:36would
00:37:36have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four hundred thousand dollars oh four hundred
00:37:43thousand thousand dollars yeah uh candace could could we just have a little sidebar to kind of clear
00:37:50the air because you know i'm i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not hostile kyle are you
00:37:57hostile no no no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel but i imagine
00:38:03that you would have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle yeah but um
00:38:14you seem mad i'm not mad are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at all okay then
00:38:21we're not mad let's
00:38:22just drop it okay yeah yeah fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother
00:38:29fuck help she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of shit okay everyone seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting we've had some rather unsafe behavior recently i'm not going to name names
00:38:44but i just want to really quickly go over some of the basics first things first this is the airlock
00:38:51earlier today kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a
00:38:56myriad of reasons if you're in this thing without a space suit when the exterior door opens the
00:39:01changing pressures could be fatal now if you do have your space suit on and you're going to take
00:39:06a walk on the martian surface you would stand on this circle and give the voice command airlock c l
00:39:13o s e
00:39:14oh airlock close thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door opening in 30 seconds
00:39:25okay luckily we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your
00:39:31spacesuit just give the voice command abort airlock procedure well then do it i am doing it i was trying
00:39:38to abort i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 guys you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm gonna take it from here okay oh yeah just
00:39:53be
00:39:53quiet kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get you candace now you did it i'm sorry i was telling kyle
00:39:58to be
00:39:58quiet for you i wasn't gonna say anything you just didn't evacuate airlock in 10 seconds everyone
00:40:04shut up everyone shut up shut up kyle shut up kyle shut up wimmy shut up you just talked
00:40:10kandace sorry everyone will you both shut the everyone shut up shut up abort airlock
00:40:23oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh did that
00:40:27just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you talking
00:40:34about elron is dead who elron the the billionaire guy that brought us here the elron the main guy elron
00:40:42oh right he died his head exploded fuck off holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not
00:40:54fucking cool elron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord
00:41:00god almighty fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together
00:41:14his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb
00:41:19holy he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of this
00:41:25mess
00:41:25how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs but wimmy god's not real
00:41:34peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at it
00:41:39i didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock close airlock closed hey come on wimmy leave
00:41:46peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle well i mean peggy is obviously
00:41:52she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously like you have a
00:42:00a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that that came out wrong look it's
00:42:08not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one of us in
00:42:12this room
00:42:13has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so
00:42:21we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together moving forward todd what is with
00:42:28the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your dad man i know you're not my dad my
00:42:33dad is
00:42:34awesome is alron okay okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get
00:42:47them to pick us up and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous
00:42:53okay
00:42:54from now on no one touches anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:01mission control can you hear us there they are you bastards you bastard come to kill us now too
00:43:12guys guys we are so sorry about elron it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras uh
00:43:20what what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button um
00:43:35peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just disengaged all
00:43:43the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are we screwed is there
00:43:49is there
00:43:50another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a plan b oh
00:43:57thank
00:43:57god yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five years five
00:44:04years
00:44:04did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole years maybe
00:44:10you
00:44:11should have thought about that before you killed all rock branson he was a candle in the wind and a
00:44:17rocket man
00:44:19that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools you guys just think you
00:44:28can
00:44:28say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then merry christmas and happy
00:44:36birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:53i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay here we
00:45:02go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still alive there still
00:45:10alive
00:45:10there there still alive and he's feeling it right there and that's where i think he died what about
00:45:15you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a whole folder of this
00:45:20sort of
00:45:20stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it getting back to
00:45:25the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the loss of billionaire
00:45:30philanthropist l ron branson and watching the developments with bated breath so much so that mars
00:45:36enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space
00:45:41station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who knew
00:45:47how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell you it must be incredibly
00:45:51incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not the women's
00:45:57bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up but you're going to
00:46:04remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate frost and lucky charms
00:46:27hi so todd huh that's an interesting name
00:46:33i'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt
00:46:38you're angry you want to somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't even think okay sweet
00:46:45that is not why i came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information crazy girls are the
00:46:53best
00:46:53in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls say oh
00:47:03hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in
00:47:09here
00:47:09anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody
00:47:18has ever said that to me literally that's a shame because i think you're fucking sexy
00:47:26candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music
00:47:34grab a
00:47:35bottle of everclear and candace i'm gonna stop you right there i don't stick my fingers in crazy
00:47:41what it's my one rule don't get me wrong candace you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying if
00:47:48i said i wasn't flattered but i know where this road leads and it's not a place where either of
00:47:54us
00:47:54would feel what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there wimmy right
00:48:13okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend
00:48:21who's your best friend oh this is so hard what say you and i have a little drink let me
00:48:28stop you
00:48:29right there i do not imbibe but i am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you
00:48:34poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol you're funny listen women you're a man with
00:48:42needs i'm a woman with needs what do you say we help each other out what no no no no
00:48:49no no no no
00:48:49i am taken here's the tillium's clan right here ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle
00:49:16has me feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord
00:49:25has everything happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3
00:49:3316
00:49:34says for god so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on
00:49:40earth
00:49:40well it says earth but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant
00:49:46solar system candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future
00:49:54man would make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he
00:49:59just probably didn't
00:50:00i mean hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular
00:50:08guy either i i didn't
00:50:09even kiss a girl until i was 18. 18 18 18 that's not nerdy that's cool no i didn't i
00:50:18didn't mean 18
00:50:18it wasn't 18 i don't i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like
00:50:2220. 29 29 i was 29.
00:50:27oh okay that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but
00:50:34i could have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking to
00:50:41a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i don't
00:50:49know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look candace
00:51:44that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right now
00:51:49this is what
00:51:50i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to you and all
00:51:56you
00:51:56do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is this somewhere in
00:52:02the
00:52:03ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:06i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord of the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12time i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punched right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this
00:53:33bitch no no do not judge me until i have finished my sentence because then you will see that she
00:53:43has
00:53:43murdered you and she has murdered you and she has murdered me and she has also committed suicide
00:53:53and killed wimmy where where's wimmy there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth
00:54:00he has no jurisdiction up here the red planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm
00:54:09apologize to the room uh i lost my cool there i said some things that didn't need to be said
00:54:15and
00:54:16it's important for a leader to be calm and collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say
00:54:23that
00:54:23part about you being the leader again kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future
00:54:28tennis he thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and
00:54:32see
00:54:32you after you tried to run away from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please
00:54:37life-threatening situation here ring a bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're
00:54:42fucked we're not fucked we still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can
00:54:47take us home no the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess
00:54:52what they said we have to refuel fill up the gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh
00:54:58-huh i'm
00:54:59guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's
00:55:02reserve probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute
00:55:08okay i don't want to offend you right now but are you smart uh i don't want to offend you
00:55:14but are you
00:55:15smart todd can i get a sidebar really quick
00:55:20candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn
00:55:54face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room indulging
00:56:01my
00:56:01own flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside
00:56:09of marriage and i don't give a damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about why are
00:56:18you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do every damn
00:56:23thing
00:56:26ah fuck it
00:56:30these suits are pretty cool
00:56:33we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:16yeah i wasn't talking
00:57:23i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:37candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm in
00:57:42we are having
00:57:44sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd i am pretty
00:57:54impressed
00:57:54oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like hey todd how
00:57:59was
00:57:59mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was up there i impressed
00:58:03some
00:58:03idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue with me seriously
00:58:11seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i treat women did
00:58:18i bash
00:58:19her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor at her head it just didn't really sit well
00:58:24with me
00:58:24the way you were throwing around the b word back there she is so mean to me she's been treating
00:58:30me
00:58:30like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined my life she ruins your
00:58:35life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah because you've made her crazy
00:58:40look
00:58:41you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just been stringing her
00:58:44along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with her
00:58:50let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna
00:58:56go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
01:00:14they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:20Oh, friends, you'd be a mess without friends, buy it on Amazon, friends.
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Ribisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:00:46And last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, harder than anyone.
01:00:54Brad Pitt, key of celebrities, yeah.
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down.
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood's Brad Pitt Town.
01:01:16Oh, shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again. Fuck.
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me.
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here.
01:01:24Stop acting like one.
01:01:26Uh, okay, so sorry about that.
01:01:28You missed a couple things.
01:01:30Basically, what happened was, while Todd finished fixing the ship,
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd was telling him about how he wasn't being fair
01:01:39to her,
01:01:39but he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt.
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy, so she got all pissed, and then he got all defensive,
01:01:50and it was a pretty good scene.
01:01:51Anyway, sorry, sorry again.
01:01:52Watch for hands!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle.
01:01:57Either love me or let me go.
01:02:00Oh, look, I, I really do care about you, but, but I...
01:02:06Well, by my calculations, we got ten minutes of air left, so let's do this thing.
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system,
01:02:15but this cord should pull enough juice from the main comm board for us to blast off.
01:02:19Holy shit, dude, I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:22All right, that's it.
01:02:24If myr sucks, fuck it, let's go home.
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy wants to come with us,
01:02:30he better hurry his ass up wherever he is.
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Wimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin, and Wimmy likey.
01:02:44Wimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh, my God!
01:02:48There is no God up here, Kyle.
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the Lamb.
01:02:52I now worship the goat.
01:02:56The Dark One demands more sacrifices, more blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00What?
01:03:01God, let's go!
01:03:04Peggy, Candace, get in the ship!
01:03:06We gotta get out of here!
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats!
01:03:10Look, look, Wimmy, a cross.
01:03:12Jesus?
01:03:13Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:24We're in.
01:03:24We made it.
01:03:25We're all here, huh?
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead.
01:03:27Right, yeah.
01:03:28That's, uh, right, yeah.
01:03:30That's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right.
01:03:34Yeah, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Wimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's...
01:03:39Well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:40Come on, let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3...
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:14I-I just...
01:04:16I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself,
01:04:20but I also know that you...
01:04:22you deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:33Wimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Wimmy, kill ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ,
01:04:47Kyle!
01:04:48K.
01:04:49Wimmy, I'm just gonna step over there and I'm gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:54Da-da-da-sub-zero!
01:04:56Da-da-da-sub-zero!
01:04:58Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-duu!
01:05:00Sub-zero!
01:05:01Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
01:05:04-da-da.
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us
01:05:08locked in battle!
01:05:09No, I'm sorry.
01:05:11Ow!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:13Unpullied.
01:05:18Kyle!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry.
01:05:42What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello?
01:06:05Hey, Kyle, what's up?
01:06:06What's going on, man?
01:06:07What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work.
01:06:11Lots of work stuff.
01:06:12Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man.
01:06:14The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that.
01:06:16I know that, man.
01:06:17I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up.
01:06:25Kyle needs us.
01:06:26We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church,
01:06:28I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof,
01:06:32and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go,
01:06:37we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:41This is bad, guys.
01:06:43This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line
01:06:54before the dogs find that body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks.
01:06:58I feel really, really good.
01:07:00The world is ours.
01:07:02One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves.
01:07:05Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet
01:07:09to join her fiancé, Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod,
01:07:15releasing a statement saying nothing is more important than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up?
01:07:24What's their angle?
01:07:25I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second,
01:07:27but who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float.
01:07:33We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up.
01:07:54Hittin' a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter.
01:07:57Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors
01:08:07to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:10That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:15I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement.
01:08:20The others get a free ride because they're shell companies
01:08:23for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who?
01:08:25What do these products have in common?
01:08:27They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:32I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you!
01:08:45Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop!
01:08:52Please stop!
01:08:52Please!
01:08:53I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man.
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking.
01:09:00Take us up the chain!
01:09:01You're gonna have to speak to my manager.
01:09:07Lucy!
01:09:08I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:11Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no.
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle.
01:09:17I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth.
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler!
01:09:25They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right.
01:09:29You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on!
01:09:34Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp.
01:09:39Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know!
01:09:41Our parent company is technological human electronic household optimal luxury organic cyber anthropomorphic utility systems treatment worldwide analytic software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated!
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this'll be some drama.
01:10:06Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years.
01:10:18Please don't kill me! Oh God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise space station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was!
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters, and I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it!
01:10:52All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet!
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:20Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs! That's the fucking spaceship! They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:29God? Oh no, what have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars. You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada.
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial.
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now.
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:16Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up.
01:13:17You never went into it!
01:13:22Ah!
01:13:23Ah!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:27Ah!
01:13:35Bashball! I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Butler!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:42No!
01:13:42No!
01:13:58Oh, my God.
01:14:00Oh, my God.
01:14:01Oh, my God.
01:14:02Oh, my God.
01:14:04Oh, my God.
01:14:05Oh, my God.
01:14:07Oh, my God.
01:14:08Three hundred and sixty-seven people were killed today
01:14:12in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada,
01:14:14a horrific scene that led authorities to discover
01:14:17Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:26the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson
01:14:42being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected
01:14:48with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey, guys.
01:14:52That's sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's going to be playing
01:15:03Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:40So, what are you going to do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:55in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah, yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:09Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true?
01:16:37It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:43I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancée who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean?
01:17:14How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run-among.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah, the thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Because she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the Stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh, come here, you.
01:19:49Come here, you.
01:21:58I am the Hiccup Jumbo.
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends.
01:22:07Friends, there's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13Friends, you can count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:38They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:45Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:51Friends, friendship never friends.
01:22:52True story.
01:22:55True story.
01:23:22Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:23:24Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt!
01:23:45Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:47Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt!
01:24:08You would be dead without Brad Pitt!
01:24:11America's sweetheart Brad Pitt!
01:24:14From Cool World to Fight Club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:27Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt!
01:24:34Hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt!
01:24:37Also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt!
01:24:40Come on Academy, where is the Oscar for?
01:24:43Brad Pitt!
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt sexiest men alive.
01:24:51That's just because-
01:24:52Oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:24:57Hi-
01:24:58Holy wh vergessen!
01:25:00I had no banyak information in the book of Ha
01:25:00gettin' with the
01:25:00Might twerk
01:25:02What appears?
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