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00:03Well, you laughed in the face of death, and now you've made it to the last show of the
00:08season. Congratulations. Here's your reward. A cliff jumper who goes down, but has a problem
00:17with what goes up. A Japanese man who bows down and winds up getting some head. A death
00:25row inmate who won't stay for his own execution, and a sex-obsessed psycho who's all heart.
00:34You still laughing? Good. It's the next episode of A Thousand Ways to Die.
00:44Warning. The deaths portrayed in this show are real and extremely graphic. Names have been
00:51changed to protect the identities of a deceased. Do not attempt to try any of the actions depicted.
00:56You will die.
01:01Death is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it. Others can't get out of its way.
01:09Every day we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
01:18There's a lot of ways to wind up dead. The fact that we survive it all is a miracle.
01:24Because every day we live, we face a thousand ways to die.
01:40Last year, over 3,000 people died by drowning. Only one managed to do it like this.
01:56It started the way a lot of accidental deaths do. A combination of alcohol, college kids,
02:02and the prospect of wild, naked sex.
02:09The reservoir was a legendary college hangout, famous for the cliff. And only the bravest took the leap.
02:18Lots of people in our society who don't do anything else than risk-taking. They're professional risk-takers.
02:23But those people, they're going to be very thoughtful about the risk they take.
02:28The combination of beer and booty had Patrick staring down at the water, 60 feet below.
02:35It's the people who take those risks, but then don't pay heed to the warning signs.
02:41Those are the people who end up in the obituary column of social Darwinism.
02:53In what would later be reported as a freak accident, Patrick hit the surface at 30 miles an hour
02:59at the perfect angle for a powerful jet of water to shoot up his rectum and blow out his large
03:06intestine.
03:09Massive internal bleeding caused him to pass out and drown.
03:13Oh, my God. It's exploding, guys!
03:16Now, if this guy had so much force built up in his colon from all that water,
03:21it probably ripped his colon apart.
03:23The colon is a very vascular tissue. There's a lot of arteries that supply it.
03:27He'd probably die of acute blood loss from all of the blood being spewed into the peritoneal cavity.
03:32If these kids had less alcohol and more blood in their brains,
03:37one of them might not have wound up like this.
03:54Everyone loves a good laugh. No one more than Chuck.
04:00Chuck would spend a good part of each day sitting in his favorite bar laughing.
04:09Chuck was obsessed with jokes.
04:12Good ones, bad ones, and any in between.
04:15I want to be the husband or the wife.
04:18He couldn't tell a joke to save his life, but he could laugh at one like no other.
04:26On this particular day, Chuck was told a joke that triggered an epic laughing binge.
04:32We all have the experience when we laugh long and hard, how we have to gasp afterwards.
04:37We're contracting forcefully when we laugh.
04:40We're sort of making a prolonged series of maneuvers that are sort of like grunting,
04:44when we strain and grunt, and that can affect things.
04:47You'll hear about some people that actually wet their pants when they laugh.
04:51No one knows what the joke was, but Chuck laughed, and he laughed, and he laughed.
04:58He laughed until he left, and when he came back the next night, he was still laughing.
05:06Chuck laughed for 36 straight hours.
05:10What started out as fun was now torture.
05:14Chuck was trapped in his own endless laugh track.
05:21Laughing this long and this hard was putting a tremendous strain on Chuck's heart.
05:28Laughing for an extended period of time alters how we breathe,
05:31so you increase the workload of the heart,
05:33you increase the amount of energy you're putting into breathing,
05:36and so you start to increase the amount of work your body's doing in general.
05:40The medical term is a valsalva.
05:42To take a deep breath in, close our windpipe, strain, and then let it out,
05:47that does increase the work in the heart.
05:49And if you were to do that for 36 hours,
05:52that could lead to heart attack or heart failure.
05:55Laughing
05:59Finally, Chuck's overworked heart seized up.
06:02In the end, Chuck got the last laugh,
06:06and it killed him.
06:12Laughing
06:21Coming up, in Japan, bowing isn't just a courtesy,
06:25it's deadly.
06:27And...
06:28Hello, suckers!
06:30Death row, from the front row, can scare you to death.
06:51This is Yoshi Nakamura.
06:54If he seems nervous, that's because he is.
06:59Yoshi has a very important job interview.
07:02That's why he's making such a spectacle of himself.
07:08He's practicing his bow,
07:10and what he will say when he meets a certain Mr. Saichi Tanaka,
07:14an executive at a large auto parts factory.
07:18Usually, average two to three hundred times a day,
07:23the people bow.
07:26There are three different ways of bowing.
07:31Yoshi doesn't know it,
07:32but the person he's here to meet,
07:35Mr. Tanaka,
07:36is already sizing up the crazy man over there,
07:39talking to himself.
07:55They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
07:59If that's true, Yoshi's screwed.
08:06But poor Yoshi has a bigger problem than unemployment.
08:10Inside his head is a ticking time bomb,
08:13an aneurysm had formed deep inside his brain.
08:19Sudden contact and then deceleration
08:21caused the aneurysm to blow open.
08:23They're fragile.
08:24They're not normal vessels.
08:25They're weaker.
08:26And when that aneurysm blows open,
08:28the blood pressure drives the blood out
08:30at quite a rapid rate,
08:32filling the closed volume of the skull
08:34and squishing brain.
08:37Many people live their whole lives with an aneurysm
08:40without ever finding out.
08:42Yoshi found out about his the hard way.
08:47You usually pass out,
08:49and then it gets worse from there
08:50as the aneurysm expands
08:51and really squashes normal brain next to it.
08:55Your typical Japanese businessman bows 300 times a day.
08:59On this day, Yoshi bowed out.
09:25It was a special day for the man behind the blinds.
09:28His name was Scott Randall,
09:30and this was the day he was scheduled to die
09:33by lethal injection.
09:36Randall was bad to the bone.
09:39Three people died by his hand,
09:40and you don't want to know how.
09:43What are you doing, Skippy?
09:44The families of his victims were there
09:46to make sure he got what was coming.
09:48A two-bit actor, when he wasn't killing anyone,
09:51Randall relished his final role.
09:55Slip the juice to me, Bruce.
09:58A lethal injection involves a number of drugs.
10:01The first, sodium pentothal,
10:03is supposed to knock the inmate out,
10:04and then potassium chloride finishes him off.
10:08Here comes death.
10:12But there was a hitch.
10:15Nothing.
10:16I don't feel a thing.
10:20Nothing!
10:23Even with enough drugs in his system to drop a rhino,
10:27Randall's heart didn't skip a beat.
10:29Nada.
10:32I think that this guy wasn't Superman.
10:34and that the reason that he stayed alive
10:36was because the tourniquet was too tight on his arm
10:39and the drug wasn't able to flow
10:42past the injection site to his heart,
10:45where it was supposed to go.
10:46The authorities were mystified.
10:49Please, sir, may I have more?
10:51Then the order came in.
10:53Release it.
10:55Scott Randall, convicted murderer
10:57and lifetime scum,
10:58had a new lease on life.
11:01Nothing to it!
11:02You couldn't kill me!
11:03You couldn't kill me!
11:06Son of a bitches!
11:14But in the middle of his fury,
11:18Randall went down
11:23and then out.
11:24Once unstrapped,
11:26the drugs found the one thing
11:28most swore Randall never had,
11:30a heart,
11:31and finished him off.
11:33When you deliver a drug,
11:35you always take the tourniquet off.
11:39Otherwise, there is no drainage of the compound
11:41into the central circulation.
11:43It was just sitting in his arm.
11:47It's hard to justify one death with another,
11:50but a creep like Scott Randall,
11:52he deserved to die.
12:01What do you think you're doing?
12:03When we return,
12:05for one thief,
12:06drinking and robbing
12:07doesn't go down too well.
12:10And an unstable pervert
12:12has a heart on
12:13the table.
12:32Zack Taylor had just finished
12:34his liquid breakfast
12:35and was ready to pick up some lunch.
12:39Zack was always angry
12:41life didn't recognize
12:42his true genius.
12:44But he was just another drunk
12:45who paid for his booze
12:47with his grandmother's
12:48stolen social security checks.
12:50Hello, sir.
12:51How are you today?
12:52Good.
12:53When we are suffering
12:55from alcoholism,
12:56something happens to our brains.
12:58You don't behave like yourself.
13:00That's right where addiction lies.
13:03And you just do
13:04whatever you have
13:05to do to survive.
13:06That's what this guy was doing.
13:11If life wasn't going to reward
13:13this angry, drunken loser,
13:15he'd just go ahead
13:16and take it all himself.
13:18Hey, what do you think you're doing?
13:21Get out of my place now.
13:23Hey, stop that.
13:24What are you doing?
13:25Come on, go.
13:26Get out.
13:27Get out, you freak.
13:28The liquid lunch
13:29will have to wait.
13:30But Zack's not leaving
13:31without a snack.
13:35Zack's anger
13:36finally got the best of him.
13:37He made it out the door,
13:39hot dog in mouth,
13:41but dropped to the ground,
13:42dead.
13:44Invariably, this guy
13:45aspirated this large hot dog,
13:47which is about the perfect size
13:49to lodge right into
13:50your main stem bronchus.
13:53This isn't a tough case.
13:55He couldn't ventilate.
13:56He couldn't oxygenate.
13:57And he hit the floor
13:59from hot dog aspiration.
14:02I'm very upset.
14:04This is very upsetting.
14:05I mean, I run a good store and this.
14:07Calm down.
14:07Just tell me what happened.
14:09As I told you,
14:10he appeared to be extremely drunk.
14:12There's a reason
14:13your mother told you
14:14never to eat and run.
14:15You might choke
14:16on your own wiener.
14:38We've enjoyed stories of deaths
14:40that were stupid or incredible.
14:43But what you're about to see
14:45will make you question
14:47what kind of beast is man?
14:55Lucas wasn't exactly a ladies' man.
14:57In fact,
14:58he never even dated one.
15:01Isolated, lonely,
15:02this schizophrenic desert rat
15:04was traveling down a dark path
15:06leading to psychopathic,
15:08sexually deviant behavior.
15:10In a smutty magazine,
15:12Lucas had learned
15:13how to rig a cow heart
15:15to a car battery
15:16and then use it as a sex toy.
15:20He brought home his new date
15:22from a local slaughterhouse.
15:24The table was set.
15:26A fresh cow heart
15:27he named Bessie,
15:29a fresh battery,
15:30and a throbbing stiffy.
15:34Lucas was ready for love.
15:37This is beyond a fetish.
15:38This is, like you said,
15:39it's beyond bestiality,
15:41it's beyond zoophilia.
15:42It makes me think of somebody
15:43who, you know,
15:44rapes and murders
15:45and does it simultaneously.
15:48And that this person
15:49could conceivably
15:50then head it into
15:51some really, really chilling waters
15:53had he not died the way he did.
15:57Lucas was turned on
15:59by the fluttering action
16:00created by the 12-volt current
16:02flowing from the battery
16:04into the cow heart.
16:05But it wasn't getting him
16:07where he needed to go.
16:08He reasoned that if 12 felt good,
16:11then 110 volts
16:13would feel about 10 times better.
16:17When Lucas completed
16:18an electrical circuit
16:19from the wall socket
16:21into the heart,
16:22he knew he was onto something.
16:24Bessie was all charged up
16:26and pumping ferociously.
16:27All that was left
16:29was to screw his heart on
16:31into Bessie's socket.
16:37But as soon as
16:38the two lovers connected,
16:40Lucas went straight
16:41to premature electrocution.
16:43Bessie kept right on beating,
16:45but Lucas' heart
16:47went from on to off.
16:49I think here we have
16:51an incompatibility
16:52with modern life,
16:53the way we understand it
16:55and the way we value it
16:56on so many different levels.
16:57on so many fundamental levels
16:59that if you were to put this person
17:01in a different time period,
17:03he would always stand out.
17:05It goes beyond social Darwinism.
17:08It's Darwinism to the extreme.
17:11Is there a lesson to be learned
17:13from this tale of broken hearts?
17:15When you go looking for love
17:17in all the wrong places,
17:19make sure you're well grounded.
17:35Up next,
17:36a deadly cobra sends a bite victim
17:38down a dark hole.
17:40I'm Biff.
17:41You gotta go to the hospital.
17:54It should have been
17:55just a typical day
17:56at David Weather's snake farm.
17:59A wild animal
18:01and reptile handler by trade,
18:03David is well-versed
18:04at wrangling
18:05some of the most deadly
18:06creatures on Earth.
18:09Today, it's a monocle cobra,
18:11one of the most poisonous snakes
18:13in the world.
18:15But no matter how good
18:16or safe one is,
18:18careful, man.
18:19Hey.
18:20Sooner or later,
18:21death is going to bite you.
18:24Did you blink?
18:27When tossing the snake
18:28back in its box,
18:30the cobra lunges at David.
18:34Within a fraction of a second,
18:35it's over.
18:37Oh, boy.
18:37I'm bit.
18:38We gotta go to the hospital.
18:39No, .
18:42All of a sudden,
18:43bam, I get bit.
18:44Immediately,
18:44I knew I was bit bad,
18:46so I was like,
18:46all right,
18:47we gotta get to the hospital.
18:48One drop is all that's needed
18:50to kill a human in 60 minutes.
18:54And five of those minutes
18:55have already expired for David.
18:58And as an experienced snake handler,
19:01David knows well
19:02that his life
19:03is hanging by a thread.
19:05Get me there quick
19:05because I'm having problems
19:06breathing.
19:07I can't wait for the ambulance.
19:08I'm too far out here
19:08in the middle of nowhere.
19:09Albert said more than likely
19:11it's gonna cause paralysis
19:12inside of an hour,
19:13albeit respiratory failure
19:14inside of an hour.
19:16Every second feels like minutes.
19:18Every minute feels like hours.
19:24I got this big black spot
19:26starting to grow
19:26within five minutes
19:27and it feels like a knife's jabbing me.
19:29I've tried not to, like,
19:30think of how bad it was.
19:33It's been only 10 minutes
19:34and already the cobra bite
19:36is growing,
19:37beginning to eat
19:38a half-dollar-sized hole
19:39in his stomach.
19:41As we're going,
19:41it's like, all right,
19:42now the traffic's coming
19:43at 8 o'clock at night.
19:44I'm like, all right,
19:44there's too many cars.
19:45I'm like, forget the red lights.
19:46Don't stop.
19:46Red lights do not exist
19:47when you're dying from cobra bites.
19:4927 minutes after the bite,
19:51David makes it to the hospital.
19:54Dizzy, nauseous,
19:55and with his kidneys failing,
19:57David fights to stay conscious
19:58as he waits for the anti-venom
20:01to be flown in
20:01from over 200 miles away.
20:04I'm dead.
20:04I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.
20:05I guess all these things
20:06are going through my head.
20:07And then finally,
20:08after the anti-venom got there,
20:09and these guys stood by my side,
20:11like, up until I was showing recovery signs.
20:14David held off death that night,
20:16but his painful recovery took months
20:19and taught him new respect
20:20for the mighty cobra.
20:22I know that I don't ever want
20:24to relive anything like that ever again.
20:25Raver!
20:27Outro
20:28Outro
20:28Outro
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