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00:03It took a mere 43 minibreaks to consolidate my belief that travel is a monstrosity.
00:09Bingo.
00:10But let me resubmit, for all your consideration, the hard evidence.
00:14Sounds like a threat.
00:15For what does TV do better than repeat itself?
00:19So let me, legal downer Richard Ayoade,
00:22reheat this sorry hand.
00:24This is a terrible idea!
00:28In a series of eerily familiar montages,
00:31I'm going to savagely shoulder you through a phalanx of packed peregrinations.
00:35To better times.
00:37Tonight, a stacked taco of treasures.
00:39You would be easier to draw as a cartoon strip than me.
00:41I am a cartoon character.
00:43Of crafts plus arts.
00:45That felt good even from here.
00:47Which could equal semi-pleasing experience.
00:51Oh, that's a crying shame.
00:53And joining me for this aspirational archival asteninity is a dumper of dudas.
01:00You may well know from that thing, that thing, that thing, and that thing.
01:05Oh my god, I feel so alive.
01:07Together we will plunge within.
01:10How do you become famous?
01:12Dada!
01:14Flirt.
01:14I think he's okay for now.
01:16Yeah, I mean, he's definitely okay.
01:18It's no more than that.
01:19And resist insight.
01:21I mean, he's bloody good at sculpting, isn't he?
01:23Yeah.
01:25We went, but should we have gone?
01:29Yes, very much so.
01:31Thanks.
01:36Although I'm a gigantic Burke, it seems like every time I'm close to a ruddy museum,
01:42someone makes a record of this in a vain attempt to make me appear cultured.
01:45Is this for sale?
01:46Unfortunately not.
01:47Okay, let's move on.
01:48And since the footage exists, why not assume it?
01:51And further, why not take our first whiff of this didactic backslide in Am to the Stir
01:57to the Dam, with Joe to the Light of the Soot.
02:01I'm on my holidays.
02:02About to take our fill at the Rijksmuseum.
02:07Tall, isn't it?
02:08Yes, it's good head height.
02:10It houses 800 years of Dutch history, including some proper good works of art.
02:14A collection that we are about to embellish.
02:17We are here for the drawing tour.
02:18The tour aims to sharpen the nibs of would-be artists,
02:22and encourage folks to take some frickin' stock of the art they're eyeballing.
02:26Pencil?
02:27Thank you very much.
02:28Oh, thank you.
02:29What sort of pencil is this? Is it a HB?
02:31Uh, HB, I guess so, yes.
02:34It's not my favourite, but...
02:36I'll work with it.
02:39Our first dot sees us squiggling a sculpture.
02:42Something like a Michelin.
02:45Okay.
02:46Yeah?
02:46Aiming to capture shape and volume, and not sweat the small shears.
02:53So we show, we put it like this.
02:56So you...
03:00I'm seeing beyond the expression to what's going on.
03:04That feeling inside?
03:05Yeah.
03:06Okay.
03:06Yeah.
03:09Then Wilma leads us upstairs to hone our draftsmanship on some Dutch masters.
03:14They look drunk, which is sort of based on my family, I think.
03:19I think I'm the little guy with the spoon.
03:21I mean, look.
03:29It looks like he's made, like, a nice quiche and he's showing it.
03:32Look at my quiche.
03:33Come to me.
03:34I told them seven.
03:36Everyone's here.
03:37And the guy next to him is going.
03:39You actually said 7.30.
03:41Maybe 7.30.
03:42He said 7.30.
03:42But that's Tony.
03:43If you want him 7.30, you say 7.00.
03:46But our BAF debating Rembrandt's cannot deter us from our solemn responsibility to precisely
03:52reproduce the fate of our choosing from this tight tableau.
03:59Okay, very good.
04:01Where's the arrow on that?
04:02No, I've just...
04:03Oh, you've added the arrow.
04:04This is after Rembrandt's.
04:05You've made great progress.
04:07Do you feel good about it?
04:08I had a long way to go.
04:09I mean, you've been excellent.
04:10What was the assessment on mine in the end?
04:13No, it can give you a six.
04:15Mine is...
04:17It's an eight.
04:18Eight.
04:19Okay.
04:19I win an R.
04:21From the dam to the rick, i.e. Zurich, with Skinner comma Frank.
04:25Cheers.
04:26Cheers.
04:27Wherein we wended to the inception point of an avant-garde vanguard.
04:32Where do you stand with Dada?
04:34I'm glad it happened, but I don't know if I'd necessarily been bothered to witness it.
04:39Right.
04:40I deliberately cut off Frank's rant there to tell you that Dadaism encompass performance,
04:45poetry, painting and sculpture.
04:46That's very good waiting for people bar business.
04:49Yes.
04:50Whilst questioning the whole flipping point of art.
04:53We are mainly a bar.
04:54During the day, we are a kind of museum and a pilgrimage place for tourists.
04:59What relevance does Dada have to us now?
05:02Can we be inducted into Dada?
05:04How do we become Dadaists?
05:06I'm trying to link.
05:07Trying to link.
05:08I've noticed.
05:08That's why I stepped back and I felt...
05:10I'm a seasoned broadcaster.
05:11Yeah.
05:11This is a segue.
05:13Well, we now provide Dada blessings.
05:16I think given that we're going to a Dada sequence, we shouldn't even walk out of shot.
05:20We should cut now.
05:22So for the blessing, I would have to put your head into the water.
05:26I'd say four sentences that define Dada.
05:29Then you come up and you shout Dada.
05:32So I would suggest maybe you take off your jacket.
05:36Okay, here goes.
05:37Hello.
05:38How do you achieve eternal bliss?
05:40Dada.
05:41How do you become famous?
05:44Dada.
05:45With noble gesture and delicate propriety until craziness until unconsciousness.
05:52Dada.
05:53Dada.
05:54Well, that seemed a lot more violent than I thought it would be.
05:58I feel I've been abused.
06:01I do have trust issues.
06:03If I suddenly freak out and elbow you in the nose, you'll know why.
06:06Okay.
06:07How do you achieve eternal bliss?
06:09Dada.
06:10How do you become famous?
06:12Dada.
06:13With noble gesture and delicate propriety until craziness until unconsciousness.
06:19Dada.
06:22Thank you very much.
06:23I quite enjoyed it.
06:24It's all right.
06:25We can do it again in two months.
06:26I'm okay.
06:27Yeah, well.
06:28I was not okay and I lied about enjoying it.
06:31Let's pretend this moment connects to another one in Hong Kong with Hollywood Hot Shears Jon Hamm.
06:38Dang it.
06:39At an Xmas prior to the one that's yet to come.
06:43I have one question about this park.
06:44Tell me.
06:45Do they allow gambling?
06:46They no longer allow gambling.
06:481993.
06:49They clean this place up.
06:51This idyll was once a triad controlled haven of crookery and iniquity.
06:55But now it's Kowloon Walled City Park.
06:59Have you had any dealings with the triads?
07:01I've not.
07:02Fortunately.
07:03No.
07:03Big fan of yours though.
07:05No, that's nice.
07:05Up until its demolition in 93, Kowloon Walled City housed up to 50,000 people in well rubbish slum conditions.
07:13But like the one show, we must now segue from abject misery to something figuratively and literally lighter.
07:19Let's meet the titan of Hong Kong's highly competitive paper tearing scene.
07:24So, I'm here.
07:25Uncle man.
07:26Hi.
07:26How do you do?
07:27Your uncle man.
07:28That's the next installment of this franchise.
07:31Mad man.
07:31You know?
07:32Yeah.
07:32Travel man.
07:33Uncle man.
07:34Uncle man.
07:34Uncle man's my rat name.
07:37I can change your profile.
07:39My profile?
07:40Yeah.
07:40I'm not sure I really have a profile.
07:48It's starting to come together.
07:50Oh, yeah.
07:51There you are.
07:52Oh, there it is.
07:52Look at that.
07:53Oh.
07:54Uncle man.
07:55That's very good.
07:56That's remarkable.
07:58Also, look how he did your hat.
07:59Like, there's this little seam on the hat.
08:01Yeah.
08:01He's done it very well.
08:02And he's accurately represented your curly hair.
08:07Very good.
08:08There's a danger that may look similar to mine.
08:11That's a...
08:12Yeah.
08:12It's a different chin.
08:14Yeah.
08:15You look like Banana Man.
08:17As if brief to crowbar in a Christmas theme,
08:20Uncle man shears out some seasonal shapes.
08:24This is great.
08:26This is turning into Blue Peter.
08:27You can do this at home.
08:29You just need some green card.
08:32Some seletate.
08:34And some thyme on your hands.
08:35This is lovely.
08:37And there's two.
08:38And two.
08:39And there's two.
08:40With the fourth wall shattered,
08:42now it's time for a traditional Chinese New Year decoration.
08:45This Chinese letter means lucky and happiness.
08:49Lucky.
08:49Yeah.
08:50Okay.
08:50And happiness.
08:51And happiness.
08:52Two good things for the New Year.
08:54Good.
08:54This is a virtuoso display of tearing.
08:59Ah.
09:00The delicacy of this.
09:02Look at this.
09:03Ah.
09:03I mean, that's excellent.
09:05It's incredible.
09:06Do you like it?
09:07Yes.
09:07Thank you very much.
09:08That's beautiful.
09:10Yeah.
09:11That's a tough fold.
09:12Not for this guy.
09:13He's great with maps.
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:15He put it right back in the golf compartment.
09:17Thank you very much.
09:18Thank you so much.
09:19Uncle man.
09:20A pleasure to meet you.
09:21Pleasure to meet you.
09:23Have a lousy.
09:23Bye.
09:26Bye.
09:55Bye.
10:06Bye.
10:07It's pretty good.
10:08It's pretty good.
10:09Leonardo chose to paint his masterpiece on dry plaster rather than the wet plaster used by the
10:14rest of the fresco filling flunkies.
10:17The decision was certainly correct if you like your fresco flaky.
10:22Lots of the details have been lost.
10:23Yeah, but it's kind of shabby chic, isn't it?
10:27The following centuries were such a caption disaster that the affront of our visit may cause the
10:32thing to combust.
10:35The atmosphere's gone sour.
10:36He's just said, one of you will betray me.
10:38If one of them was worried about betraying them, they...
10:40One of them?
10:41It was Jesus?
10:42Yeah.
10:43Judas, of course.
10:45A shade darker than the rest.
10:49Racist.
10:50Or he just turns easy.
10:52We don't know.
10:53Maybe he's just got back from Arbea.
10:56If you were on death row, what would you have for your last dinner?
10:58Something...
10:59Something light.
11:00Something healthy.
11:02Probably your prawn salad.
11:03I'd have a roast.
11:04You don't want to feel bloated before you're electrocuted.
11:08Would you have a starter?
11:09A starter?
11:12Time is of the essence.
11:15Is it?
11:15Do they rush you?
11:16Oh, I'd just go for a soup.
11:17No, they set a time.
11:18They don't go, come down when you're ready.
11:21Goodbye, one of the key works of Western art.
11:24I can only apologise.
11:26No, but what do you think?
11:27Well, I think.
11:29I've told you I am broadly in favour.
11:33It's no Tracy Emin though, is it?
11:35As well as being glib in Milan, I was also glib and insubstantial in Athens.
11:40This time with the post-continent Dawn French.
11:46I introduced her and my big cravat to a wall.
11:49You'll recognise it from your 2011 collection of Time magazine.
11:53The Kanakos.
11:54The riot dog.
11:55Part of the Austerity riots.
11:57When I say part, I don't know how fully behind the demonstrations he was ideologically.
12:02Right.
12:02I think he was frankly caught up in events.
12:04Yeah.
12:05But he's been canonised here.
12:06This is making me a bit emotional because that looks like my dog.
12:09This is called All Dogs Go to Heaven.
12:11Well, that's not true.
12:12In my family, quite a lot of dogs went to a farm in Wales.
12:17Oh, and they hang them?
12:19Well, your dad says they've gone to a farm in Wales,
12:22but what's actually happened is that they've died.
12:25OK.
12:25This died in 2014.
12:27That dog did?
12:27Yeah.
12:28Did it go to a farm in Wales?
12:30I think it was the artefacts of tear gas.
12:32Oh.
12:34And we'll go to commercial.
12:37Muttley's definitely not gone to heaven.
12:39No.
12:39Nor has Dastardly.
12:42Was that the noise?
12:42That was very good.
12:45Coming up...
12:46Jazzy!
12:47Data of doings...
12:48Gosh, this is hard.
12:50This is like black swore.
12:52Disses...
12:52I would have thought that you would like the ridges to give you something to count,
12:55if I'm judging your character correctly.
12:57And misses...
12:58You blow the glass yourself?
13:00No.
13:01Idiot.
13:12You rejoin I, fat and perfectionist Richard Ayoade,
13:16back for another spoonful of old shears.
13:18Let us alight in Norway,
13:20and then narrow ourselves in Oslo with the person Faye Ripley.
13:24Oh, lovely.
13:25Who demands her art to be waiting for her at the hotel.
13:30This place costs the most per room of any hotel in Scandinavia to build.
13:35And to stay at.
13:36Obviously that's going to be picked up by the broadcaster.
13:39Located on Thief Island,
13:40so named because it was full of half-inches,
13:43is our heck-a-hit hostel, The Thief.
13:46This guy is either very grateful to have found this hotel,
13:49or he's been afflicted by a terrible diarrhoea.
13:53Please.
13:54This formidable flop house is full of contemporary art,
13:57including works by Hurst, Koons and Opie.
14:01There's a spa, a bar,
14:03and an uncanny replica of my personal Brian Ferry-themed supper saloon.
14:07I heard this is a number three in TripAdvisor's Oslo-based hotel.
14:11It is.
14:12Oh, good.
14:13Dominic, who asked me to withhold his last name,
14:15shows me to the Oslo suite.
14:18The room was both furnished and inaugurated
14:20by pop art pioneer Peter Blake.
14:23He designed it, he contributed his artwork to the room,
14:25and he was the first person to ever stay in this room.
14:27He bagsied it.
14:28He bagsied it.
14:29And is the art complimentary?
14:31No.
14:31OK.
14:32You've got to leave it here.
14:33That's a shame.
14:35Faye self-deposits in the Apparachic suite,
14:38which takes some of its name from the supergroup Apparachic.
14:44Oh, jazzy.
14:46It's all quite flammable, I'd say.
14:49It includes dual mirror balls, a stack of wax.
14:53Ah, my first album.
14:55And a projected opportunity for 2D stanning.
14:59Did you book a restaurant for tonight?
15:01Or should we stay in?
15:03Maybe get some room service?
15:06You're looking good there.
15:07There you go.
15:09Hey.
15:09Hey.
15:09Time's up.
15:11Really?
15:14So thin is the premise of this compilation that we're going to now go to Vienna with Chris Odin Dowd.
15:21It's not unpleasant.
15:22For what is little more than a pratfall.
15:28The snow globe was invented in Vienna 1-1-5 years ago, a museum dedicated to their continuing relevance is
15:35run by Erwin Percy III, grandson of the inventor, who guards the magical secret of the realistic snow with his
15:41life.
15:43What is the snow in these globes?
15:45To tell you, this is my secret.
15:47What is it?
15:48Go on.
15:49It's snow from my snow globes.
15:50It's actual snow?
15:51Yeah.
15:52Let's have a look at some of them.
15:53I would love that.
15:55Can I lift that?
15:56Is that one liftable?
15:57Yeah.
15:59It's a little bit heavy.
16:01Be careful, because that's Jeremy Plattson's name.
16:03Just hold it on the glass, please.
16:05Look at that.
16:05That is good quality fake snow.
16:10Oh!
16:11There you go.
16:13Oh!
16:16That's a crying shame.
16:18Oh, Erwin, I'm so sorry.
16:20I'm just so pleased it's not me.
16:22I can't lie.
16:23I want to feel bad for you, but the relief that that wasn't me is so great.
16:28Drop it.
16:29Oh!
16:30Careful.
16:31Okay.
16:31Now you can see the magnification.
16:36If you remember how big the car was before.
16:40I've got to say, I'm in such a state of shock, I can't really remember anything.
16:43I don't even remember who you are.
16:44I don't know why I'm here.
16:45I just know we've done something bad.
16:48And it wasn't my fault.
16:50I don't know why I'm laughing.
16:50Shall we look through?
16:51Two, three more globes.
16:53Let's look at the other room of breakable, shall we, Erwin?
16:55Okay.
16:56Okay.
16:57Here we go.
16:59Oh!
17:00Crumb.
17:01In order to harness the potential for fresh disgrace, I resolve to see if there's any more
17:06valuable glassware in the joint worth scoping out.
17:09And there Ruddywell is!
17:10A snow globe from Orson Welles' masterpiece, Citizen Kane.
17:14My grandfather made the snow globe for the movie.
17:17I mean, this is good.
17:18And this is a replica.
17:20I'm just saying, don't do a stock inventory tonight, because as soon as your bat's turned,
17:25I'm taking this.
17:26I'm taking the snow globe.
17:28I'm going to be right up front.
17:29Is it just normal water?
17:31Yeah.
17:32Ocean and Alpine water.
17:33Oh.
17:34What a city.
17:35What a city.
17:37Well, thank you very much.
17:40Do you blow the glass yourself?
17:42No.
17:43No.
17:43No.
17:43No.
17:44This is...
17:44Idiot.
17:46The glass globe we buy from a glass factory.
17:48The snow you make with...
17:50Yeah.
17:51Yeah, I do.
17:52I do.
17:52I do.
17:53Yeah.
17:54I would like to remind you, you have something in your pocket.
17:58Oh.
17:59I've no idea what you're talking about.
18:01I'm just happy to see you.
18:02And you're being very passive-aggressive.
18:05Okay?
18:06Which I don't appreciate.
18:07But it's lovely to meet you.
18:09There's nothing in my pocket.
18:11You have a vandal in here.
18:12You need to deal with that.
18:13I'll see you later.
18:14Okay?
18:14Thank you so much.
18:16I'll see you later.
18:16Pleasure.
18:17Chris Odin Dowd and his overly moisturised hands.
18:21Now Florence, in the reliably tensile grip of Rebel Wilson.
18:25Yes!
18:26To see some surprisingly well-done sculptures made by an Italian man.
18:31Do you sculpt?
18:34No.
18:34Less than you did?
18:36Yeah, I mean, I used to.
18:37You got busy.
18:38Yeah.
18:39Yeah.
18:39I used to go to this class called Body Sculpt.
18:41Okay.
18:42At the gym.
18:42Yes.
18:43Yeah.
18:44But you do, like, these ones.
18:45You start in marble.
18:46Yeah.
18:47Oh, okay.
18:47You just...
18:47So I was pretty good at that.
18:49Yes.
18:51Before us stands the undisputed victor of the much-hyped rumble with trash-talking, out-of-shape
18:56big man Goliath.
18:58It's your boy David.
19:04Michelangelo's monumental masterpiece was originally intended to go on the roof of the Duomo,
19:08but its one impressiveness and weight meant that it stayed at ground level so that it could
19:12achieve its ultimate destiny of being framed in this wide shot.
19:17It was un-carved for 25 years, Rebel.
19:19They thought there were imperfections.
19:21Yeah.
19:22You don't even get halfway through this and have it split.
19:24You've got egg on your face.
19:25Imagine.
19:25You can't claw those two years back.
19:27Yeah.
19:28It'd be a nightmare.
19:30You'd be livid.
19:31Yeah, you'd be spewing.
19:33I put marble in my new kitchen.
19:35Yeah.
19:35It was expensive.
19:36And that doesn't have the detail of this.
19:39It doesn't.
19:40Yeah.
19:40But I went to the marble quarry and chose all my own marble.
19:43Yeah.
19:44Just like Michelangelo did.
19:45Just like Michelangelo before you.
19:46Yeah.
19:48I mean, he's bloody good at sculpting, isn't he?
19:51Yeah.
19:52I don't even have a criticism.
19:54I don't either.
19:55I mean, it doesn't just make me feel bad.
19:58But there is that element that I may not achieve.
20:02Something that good.
20:03I mean, my life's not over.
20:04It's close.
20:05But if you worked on something for three years...
20:07I've worked on this for three years.
20:09Yeah.
20:09On the show.
20:13Yeah.
20:14Why is that funny?
20:15And how does it compare?
20:16That's my life.
20:16Yeah.
20:18It's my life, rebel.
20:19Yeah, well...
20:20Is there a museum to it?
20:21Is it treated with respect?
20:23No, it's not.
20:23Have you won any awards for this show?
20:25Not even close.
20:26Something in the Midlands.
20:27Who cares?
20:28Let's go.
20:28Yeah.
20:29At time of re-recording, I remain unrecognised by the Academy.
20:34Now Ibiza.
20:36Oh, wow.
20:37With international introvert Jessica Knappett.
20:42Ibiza's Henge is one of 51 sculptures that form part of a global land art project.
20:47That's right.
20:48You're looking at something that was erected without planning permission.
20:52In 2014.
20:54Solid basalt.
20:56420 tonnes.
20:57That one's 10 metres topped with 23 karat gold.
20:59Prove it.
21:00Do you know what I mean?
21:01Well, go on Google Maps.
21:02Why do you think this place is here?
21:05Some people say, and this is direct from the internet...
21:09Why?
21:09He's so angry.
21:10This is my tone.
21:12I'm not angry.
21:13I'm trying to give it light and shade.
21:15But this is for UFOs.
21:18You're going to be sick.
21:20Now, why they'd be able to see this, rather than anything else, I don't know.
21:25How do you feel about these lines on the column?
21:28The ridges.
21:29I would have thought that you would like the ridges to give you something to count, if I'm
21:34judging your character correctly.
21:37Am I wrong?
21:38No.
21:38How many columns are there?
21:41There are 13 columns.
21:42I know that.
21:43Right.
21:43But I haven't counted that.
21:44That's just come in through the earpiece.
21:47Speaking of people ashamed to be near me, we encounter in the Spanish city of Seville,
21:51the redoubtable Rob Delaney and I...
21:54I don't know this man.
21:55...about to step up.
21:57How do you feel about dancing?
21:58I'm just going to ask you while we pan down.
22:00Sure.
22:00I like to move rhythmically when music is playing, but I wouldn't call what I do dance.
22:06I'll come now.
22:08AndalucÃa is the birthplace of flamenco, and lessons are readily available for beginners,
22:13as well as the experts we will shortly become.
22:16Hello.
22:17Hi.
22:19Overwhelmed by my powerful masculinity, Manuela attempts to teach us the fundamentals of flamenco.
22:24Well, now?
22:27Sorry, I drifted off.
22:29From the beginning.
22:29OK.
22:30Gosh, this is hard.
22:32It's like Black Swan.
22:33OK, here we go.
22:34OK.
22:35OK.
22:36Now it's getting interesting, right?
22:37OK.
22:38And the right.
22:39OK.
22:40You don't sound entirely convinced.
22:43The dance moves I'm effortlessly expressing are known as baile.
22:47Stop.
22:48And a mix with palmas, flamenco's distinctive handclaps and stamps.
22:52Three.
22:53One, two, three.
22:55One, two, three.
22:57One, two.
22:58We will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we'll, we will, we
23:03will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:03will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:03will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:04will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:05will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:07will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we will, we
23:16will, we will, we will, we will
23:28Well, guys, it's been a pleasure. I have another class and I have to go.
23:33Sensing that it would be fruitless to over-refine a raw, expressive talent like mine, Manuela calls it a DIA.
23:39Did she just call us chickens?
23:41Chicos, it means good dancers' men.
23:43OK. Do we get a certification as to the main...? Without certification, this is... worthless.
23:51Can you get a certificate when the thing you learned most about is yourself?
23:55Yeah, I mean, that's one of the most important certificates you can get.
23:58Because I just really learned a lot about...
24:01This guy? Yeah.
24:03OK, well, I feel I was undermined and I don't really need that.
24:05I don't need to come to Spain to be undermined.
24:07Let's get you some ice cream. OK.
24:11Coming up...
24:12This is beautiful!
24:14Additional arguments of a root-what nature for quitting when you're behind.
24:18It's giving you some design ideas for your new bathroom.
24:29Welcome back aboard this Ratan raft of arts and crafts.
24:34Now drifting through Russia's St. Petersburg with man of many moods, Rob Beckett.
24:40Whoa!
24:41At the State Hermitage Museum.
24:47Royal residence until Shiz went south in 1917, it's Peaberg's most visited attraction.
24:53But because of the uniquely acrid combination of our sense, all six buildings had been cleared prior to our arrival.
25:01Wow.
25:02It's impressive, isn't it?
25:04It's giving you some design ideas for your new bathroom.
25:07With over three mill exhibits to metabolise, there's only time to hone in on the highlights.
25:11So like a couple of hashtag Bolshevans, we rock through the joint.
25:16I feel like I've been up some of the best staircases I've ever been up.
25:20This is where the royal family would walk down for the ceremony of the blessings of the water.
25:27Oh, right.
25:27They're neither representing River Jordan in that.
25:30Yes, of course.
25:31Rather than the artist now known as Katie Price.
25:35Oh, what is it?
25:36World's largest vase.
25:38Looks like a bird bar.
25:39It's not a bird bar.
25:39Looks like a bird bar.
25:4019 tonnes.
25:412.5 metres high.
25:43Jasper.
25:43Three pieces.
25:44Keep them going.
25:46It's not...
25:46It's not a vase.
25:51That is a statement piece, isn't it?
25:53Could be on Robot Wars.
25:55Could.
25:55I don't think it would win.
25:56O'Brien would give it the thumbs down.
25:58Wouldn't be a fan of it.
25:59Well, Catherine the Great Wars.
26:00Picked up 1781.
26:02One of the earliest examples of robotics.
26:04What does it move?
26:05Yes.
26:05It's a clock.
26:06I feel like they could have made the clock a bit more prominent.
26:08The owl likes to play that little drum kit.
26:10It's the little owl Phil Collins.
26:12Just go...
26:15Ping.
26:15I mean, that I'd like to see.
26:17Of course you would.
26:20Originally chiming on the owl,
26:21the life-sized peacock, owl and rooster only squawks once a week.
26:25A time period that owl format cannot accommodate.
26:31Love a chandelier.
26:32Too much?
26:33Or just enough?
26:34I think this is just enough for this room.
26:35Good.
26:36Giving it a bit of space to breathe.
26:37Yeah.
26:38You sound like you're about to do it up.
26:40Mmm.
26:41Back wall.
26:42Go on.
26:42Rip all that out.
26:43Yes.
26:45You like films.
26:46That would be nice.
26:46Of course.
26:47What would they use this room for?
26:49Official functions.
26:50Banquets.
26:51Ask me how many types of wood there are on this parquet floor.
26:53Richard, how many types of wood are there on this parquet floor?
26:5716.
26:57But to sum up, will you put in an offer?
27:00It's ticking a lot of boxes for me.
27:02A lot of boxes.
27:03But.
27:04I'm excited.
27:04They've got to get the price right.
27:06We put in a bid close to asking price and hope to hammer them down on the survey.
27:12Surely it's time now to cop a cup of crack off with Joe Wilkinson.
27:15What are you doing later?
27:16Where we enrolled on a once in a lifetime stained glass workshop.
27:21Do you do a lot of stained glass work?
27:23Yeah.
27:24Yeah.
27:25A frightening amount.
27:26Yeah.
27:26It's a bit of a bustling holiday this for me.
27:29Yeah.
27:29I'll probably know some of the guys in here.
27:31You probably will.
27:31Yeah.
27:31In you go.
27:34The Zelensky studio, centre of Krakow's Art Nouveau movement at the turn of the 20th century,
27:39offers classes for rank amateurs like us.
27:42I feel like we've come an odd way.
27:44Yes.
27:45This can't be the most direct way in.
27:47No.
27:48Gabriella is overseeing our creations and we start by selecting our separate stains.
27:54Which do you think you'll go for?
27:56I will not be rushed.
27:58OK.
27:59Look at that, guys.
28:00Oh, that doesn't go at all.
28:01Oh, this is bold.
28:02Bold or doesn't go at all?
28:03I think both.
28:06In another bat-debating montage, we score.
28:09That felt good even from here.
28:13Snap.
28:14Stop it.
28:16And grind.
28:18You have those ups and downs, right?
28:20That's just my career.
28:21Can you attack the ups, the bumps?
28:23Lovely stuff.
28:24Lovely stuff.
28:25Lovely stuff.
28:25Lovely bit of business.
28:26We apply copper foil.
28:28This is an absolute red letter day for my hand double.
28:31And Gabriella has some sobering news.
28:33We are going to be using very hot tools.
28:35Yeah.
28:36Whoa, whoa, whoa.
28:36This is a soldering iron.
28:38Have you used one before?
28:39Yes.
28:39I'll tell you what, I've used a lot of soldering irons in my time fixing televisions.
28:43I used to work in a toy shop and we used to fix scale electrics cars.
28:49Okay.
28:50Okay.
28:50I used to work at a soldering iron factory designing the next generation of soldering irons.
28:55Well, I used to work for the accountancy firm that did the accounts for that firm.
28:59I also work for MI7 on the latest soldering irons they have.
29:04I can't top that.
29:05I can't top it.
29:06As things heat up.
29:07Very nice.
29:09So do the soldering irons, thus melting solder as one would expect.
29:14Oh, ****.
29:168.30 broadcast.
29:17It's easier than you think.
29:18Sometimes.
29:19When you haven't done it right.
29:21No.
29:21When you need a little more help.
29:23You're saying how the flip did you do that?
29:25It's the work of the moment for Gabriella to take our windows before oxidizing them in private.
29:31I've never anticipated oxidization so much.
29:33I just want that thing to oxidize so bad.
29:36Okay, guys, I'm ready with your pieces.
29:38At last.
29:39Jeez.
29:39This is how they look like oxidized.
29:42That's so lovely.
29:42Just look at them.
29:43Congratulations.
29:44They look great.
29:44Isn't that nice?
29:45Look at that by the light.
29:46Do you know what?
29:47I like it so much.
29:48I don't want to know who's done the best one.
29:50Aww.
29:50I think we've both done good ones.
29:53So I don't think we need to...
29:55Let's go.
29:56Thank you so much.
29:58Can we keep the aprons?
29:59An operation you have here.
30:00You've taken enough.
30:02Before I take off my top and wrestle the man to the ground, let's take it to Tenerife with Lena
30:08Dunham.
30:08Woo!
30:10And take in a sculpture trail.
30:14I wouldn't put black and orange together, but...
30:16I love this cacophony of public art.
30:19The route features work from the 1973 International Sculpture Festival by Henry Moore, Juan Miro and acclaimed Canarian artists.
30:28Look at this prime slab of Martin Churio.
30:32Lady Tenerife.
30:33Beautiful.
30:34The missing Christa Berg song.
30:36That's the first one they chose in this whole sculpture-a-thon they went on.
30:40I like this a lot, but I feel like I've seen as much of it as I need to see.
30:46Scottish sculptor Eduardo Paolozzi's homage to Gaudi is suspiciously scalable.
30:52This is beautiful.
30:54Okay.
30:54Don't go too high.
30:56Well, I want to go as high as I can go.
30:58I don't want you to get overly high-spirited.
31:00I've become deeply uncomfortable with the choice that I've made.
31:03Do you want me to rescue you?
31:04Well, now here's my question.
31:06Do you think I can get back down between these?
31:08I think that's a struggle.
31:09The frontal wedgie I'm experiencing is profound.
31:15You're going down and through.
31:17Yeah, this seems right.
31:18Okay, you've committed to this.
31:20It's an excellent pose for a mid-80s to early-90s soft rap album.
31:26Yup.
31:28Wow.
31:29I mean, I'm pleased you're doing this for you.
31:36How are you feeling about this one?
31:37You know, I have to say I'm pretty pro the exposed nipple
31:42and general fecundity of her.
31:44Well, it's called la fecundidad.
31:46She looks damn fly.
31:47I wish that was the body norm in America and I could just live my truth.
31:51Please, don't force me into a compliment.
31:54I also went to Venice with Joe Brand and here are some of it.
32:00Followed by some more of it.
32:02You make all of these masks here yourself?
32:05Yes, we do.
32:05There is a mold for every mask, like this one.
32:08Yes.
32:09And by hand, just paper, water and glue, you push in the mold.
32:14Yeah.
32:15When you take it out, take some time to dry out and then it's ready to start.
32:21That's great.
32:21We cut all the process.
32:23It's all handmade, really.
32:25Initially used for keeping locals anonymous while gambling, partying and seducing,
32:30masks have been a part of Venetian culture for ruddy ages.
32:35Why do people buy masks?
32:38For the carnival in Venice.
32:39Okay.
32:40Yes.
32:40And that's every year?
32:41Yes.
32:42Every year in February.
32:43The most traditional one, it was this.
32:46Okay.
32:46It's called the Bauta.
32:47Okay.
32:48It was the mask of Casanova.
32:50Hey.
32:50Oh, okay.
32:52Come on now.
32:52This will immediately increase my erosic power, which is already pretty heavy.
32:58Well, yeah.
32:59No.
33:00Don't fight it.
33:01And then the helmet.
33:02Here we go.
33:03Yes.
33:04Hey.
33:05Do you want to freshen up that spritzer?
33:07Yeah?
33:09And we'll have a selection of bar snacks.
33:13What is the most popular women's mask?
33:16The most popular for women was that one.
33:19That one with the stick.
33:20That looks very nice.
33:22It's better than that one, really, isn't it?
33:24What are you talking about?
33:25You look like Thomas the Tank Engine's psychopathic brother.
33:29Yeah.
33:30But you're engaging with me, aren't you?
33:32Barely.
33:33Come on.
33:34We're sparking up a report.
33:35Your eyes are emptied out of any empathy.
33:38What are you talking about?
33:38I have no empathy.
33:39I'm just looking to close deals.
33:41Close deals throughout this town.
33:44Shutting it down.
33:46On the rare occasions that this doesn't work, I immediately switch to this one.
33:50Because if this one doesn't work, you just come back into the bar.
33:53Hey.
33:55That other guy.
33:55What a jerk.
33:56Look.
33:56I'm so embarrassed that my brother was here before.
33:58I like that one better.
33:58He's so pushy.
34:01Look.
34:02Why don't we get out of here and...
34:04See?
34:04You can just come back.
34:05Oh.
34:05Hello.
34:06Welcome back.
34:07The weird one.
34:09This is excellent.
34:12Stay tuned.
34:13Aww.
34:13Aww.
34:14If you want more...
34:15You are the most Belgian-looking man I've ever seen.
34:18Or lack the will to amend your current decision.
34:21Oh, Shatter's has come apart.
34:23You've ruined a bit of Shatter's.
34:25Let's move on.
34:25That's a shame.
34:36The final part of this retrospective rum punch...
34:40Wow.
34:41...thumps down in Brussels.
34:43Beat them.
34:44...with Lee Mack in a museum and other stories.
34:48The colours, compared to me, are relatively subdued.
34:51You would be easier to draw as a cartoon strip than me.
34:53I am a cartoon character.
34:55Belgium has the densest per square mile concentration of comic strip authors on earth.
35:00And this museum gives these dudes, and the dudes that came before those dudes, their due.
35:05And for increased ocular input, we could tail our convo for a curated comic book walking tour.
35:11You are the most Belgian-looking man I've ever seen.
35:15I want to meet this Bart.
35:16I never thought I'd say that to a grown man.
35:18Why is Belgium so good at comic making?
35:21We have a huge tradition when it comes to making comics.
35:25The first real Belgian comic we still know today is Tintin.
35:29Tintin started out as a journalist addressing the kids on how people lived in countries around the world.
35:36He was the original travel man.
35:37He was the real travel man.
35:39The only travel man.
35:40We don't owe him royalties.
35:41Well, we're also going to see some murals outside, do we not?
35:45Yes.
35:46Well, let's go now.
35:47Now?
35:48Should we?
35:49Let's go right now.
35:50Well, let's wait a bit, then go.
35:52Brussels' bromance with the Bourne des Sine sees it bedecked with 50ish-plus murals.
35:59This is Lucky Luke.
36:01Is this somebody's house?
36:02Yes.
36:02They're happy that they don't mind.
36:03Guys living in Brussels are very happy.
36:06Yeah.
36:06Must be worth a lot of money now.
36:07Make the house more expensive, like a Banksy.
36:09Maybe even.
36:10I don't know.
36:11We woke up and there was a Banksy on the side of our house.
36:13Oh, really?
36:13I was very excited.
36:14Well, we're not sure it's a Banksy.
36:15It said Sharon is a slag.
36:16Is that a Banksy?
36:18That's a Banksy.
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Let's go with bigger brushes, surely.
36:41Yeah.
36:41Lastly, Bart leads us to Yoko Tsuno.
36:44Scientist, black belt, diver, pilot, astronaut and serial overachiever.
36:48Not this lady.
36:49She seems fine, but it's not her.
36:50She's got all these superpowers, and yet she struggles to keep hold of an orange.
36:54Not an orange.
36:55Citrus fruit.
36:56It's a planet.
36:56To be fair, that could be an orange.
36:58Bart.
36:59Heck of a tour.
37:00It's been massive.
37:01Yeah.
37:02Thank you for your attention.
37:03We're not an E4, Lee.
37:04It's been mega, Bart.
37:05It's been sick.
37:06Absolutely.
37:06It has been sick.
37:07This has been some sick years.
37:08We've been sad this way.
37:09Don't get run over, Richard.
37:10I'll try not to.
37:12Now it's Madeira, of all things, where Robert Webb and I close the fridge.
37:17Threw down in an embroidery workshop.
37:20How's your needle cart?
37:22Pretty, um, pretty rusty, is it?
37:24Yeah.
37:25Well, let's hone it.
37:27Madeira's embroidery scene is strong.
37:29Here at the world-renowned Bordal, cats work from over 40,000 designs, preserving a tradition
37:36that's well old.
37:37We're walking quite fast.
37:39Yes.
37:40Hello.
37:41Hello.
37:41Welcome to Bordal.
37:42Thank you very much.
37:43Thanks for having us.
37:44We join a 90-min workshop led by the fiery fingers of Felice Bella, and it's scarcely a few
37:50sex before we're at the business end of perforation.
37:53This could be a real action sequence.
37:56In the hands of a visionary, like John Woo, you can sort of embroidery version of Face Off.
38:04I think it's okay for now.
38:06Yeah, I mean, it's definitely okay.
38:08It's no more than that.
38:11Second course, from the look of her hands, I ought to remove my white jacket.
38:17If you're taking your jacket off, I'm supposed to take my jacket off too.
38:20Yeah, let's both jacket off.
38:25With alarming alacrity, we employ dye to stencil a pattern onto what will become a couple of
38:30kerchiefs.
38:31Yes.
38:32I'm quite mesmeric.
38:33Yes.
38:33I think I'm going to drop off.
38:35You and everyone watching this.
38:37Then Felice Bella decides to drop the nice guy axe and get ruddy real.
38:42Now, we do the ponto de corda.
38:45Okay.
38:46So this is just a classic backstitch.
38:48Kind of backstitch that...
38:49Oh, now I know where I am.
38:50Right.
38:51You might use the stitching on your name tags to your shirt.
38:54Do you know what?
38:54I don't actually name tag my clothes anymore.
38:57Really?
38:58Yeah.
38:58When did you stop doing that?
38:59Uni?
39:01Er...
39:02I think it was before uni.
39:03Really?
39:04I'm in sixth form now.
39:06I'm too busy listening to the new suede record to care about identifying my garments.
39:12Bernard Butler doesn't identify his garments.
39:14Of course he doesn't.
39:15Why would he?
39:18After some highly flattering low angle shots...
39:22Why is this so stressful?
39:24Felice, in an off-camera fury that is now in the hands of Funchalian law enforcement...
39:28...shames us into some shadow point.
39:30I'm starting to sweat.
39:33Oh...
39:34Come on, you...
39:40Come on.
39:42You've got to get annoyed with her, haven't you?
39:45Is she on that machine because she can't do this?
39:50Better.
39:51Better.
39:53Better.
39:54Followed by an undermining laugh.
39:56Having mastered the craft...
39:58Very nice, Robert.
39:59And yours is particularly...
40:00Yes, it is.
40:01Very nice.
40:03Our dominance is documented.
40:05Yes, certificate.
40:06We have here the certificate.
40:08Brilliant.
40:10Erm...
40:10It's stamped, it's dated, it's on good quality paper.
40:13It's not laminated.
40:15Thanks very much.
40:16OK.
40:19Heck of an operation you've got here.
40:22If only something linked that to New York.
40:25But not even Needle and comedian Catherine Ryan...
40:28It's glorious.
40:29...can provide a linking thread as we sew sheers up at the city's smallest museum.
40:35Hello.
40:36Hello, welcome to museum.
40:37Hi.
40:37That curb's dangerous, by the way.
40:39OK, it is.
40:39I almost killed myself.
40:40So the double M is silent.
40:42Yes.
40:43The first M, but the second M you sound.
40:45If you want to.
40:46OK, bye.
40:47Say it again slowly.
40:48Museum.
40:48OK.
40:49Museum.
40:50Museum.
40:51Yeah.
40:52Opened in 2012, the museum is housed in a goods elevator, which this afternoon has reached
40:59the temperature of fresh lava.
41:01My glasses are slipping off my nose.
41:03When they say the museum challenges you to find meaning and objects from around the world,
41:08which have been overlooked, dismissed or ignored, and they actually say this in this
41:11condescending sign, they're not joking about it being a challenge.
41:15Exhibits include different kinds of cornflakes and things left by illegal immigrants crossing
41:20into America.
41:21These are good, these Trump accessories.
41:24The Trump energy drink.
41:25Here's an energy drink?
41:26I actually own the art of the comeback myself, but in paperback.
41:30How is it?
41:31It's heavy going.
41:33OK.
41:33It's heavy going.
41:34Maybe you wrote it on the energy drink.
41:36Yeah.
41:37Above the Trump collection are cookies displaying major events of 2015, including the VW emission
41:43scandal and edible instances of the refugee crisis.
41:47There is also an audio guide God help us to unlock the complex imagery.
41:52Would you like to listen to the audio recording?
41:54I'd like my head to cool down.
41:56That's what I'd like.
41:57It's very hot.
41:58I'd tell you what the story of this, this incredible melting man.
42:01That's what the story is right here.
42:02Look.
42:03I'm not even incredible.
42:04We have one of these.
42:05It's like the slightly bemused melting man.
42:08I want you to be comfortable.
42:09That's why I'm here.
42:10That's what friendship is.
42:1121.25 brands.
42:14Succession.
42:14This is hell.
42:16This is hell in here.
42:18I'm in a lift on my phone looking at weird, I mean, this is hell.
42:24Do you want me to enter another reference number?
42:25No, I don't.
42:27I'm very hot.
42:28I'm sorry.
42:29I apologize.
42:30It's not your fault.
42:31You didn't design this.
42:33She didn't.
42:34You're just out of work.
42:36Well, thank you.
42:37I'm going to leave.
42:38This has been something.
42:40It really has.
42:42So great.
42:42Thank you so much.
42:43Thank you for coming to the museum.
42:45We had a really great time.
42:48Privy to Paris, where art's bucket doth burst with crafty contents.
42:53This time in the company of one of the few Mel Giedroyts still at large.
42:58Wow.
43:00Paris's most famous gallery is the Louvre, but we haven't got time to slog through some
43:04of the most evocative works ever produced in human history, let alone pay for it.
43:08We want to look at graffiti for free.
43:12Armed with Street Art Map, an interactive website that points out art wherever you are
43:17in the world, we're off to spot some stuff that's been sprayed on walls.
43:21Look at Gregos.
43:23He does these 3D models of his face.
43:26Yeah.
43:26He's got a very small face.
43:27I think he's trying to save on 3D printing costs.
43:30Yeah.
43:32You find us between Kai and Shatters.
43:37You can thank my app for telling me who did it.
43:39Kai.
43:40Kai.
43:40Kai.
43:41Shatters.
43:42I love seahorses.
43:44It's quite hard to be angry around a seahorse, isn't it?
43:47Oh, Shatters has come apart.
43:49You've ruined a bit of Shatters.
43:51Let's move on.
43:52That's a shame.
43:53But that's, I mean, if Shatters have got to expect that.
43:55Has anyone got any glue?
44:00Right.
44:01No one will ever know.
44:04Art restoration duly performed.
44:06We head for a street art shrine to a French singer and cultural icon.
44:12Serge Gainesville's house, Mel.
44:14I can tell you're moved.
44:15He doesn't do it for me.
44:16No?
44:17Not really.
44:17Really?
44:18Do you like his music?
44:19I do.
44:20Do you?
44:20Yes.
44:21La Javonaise.
44:22That's very good.
44:23How does that go?
44:26A lot of them are quite like that.
44:28Yeah.
44:28He wrote Letitia.
44:29That's incredible.
44:30What?
44:30Letitia?
44:31L, A, E, Don, La, D, I, D, I, A.
44:34Oh, Letitia.
44:35To the Soleil Exactamont.
44:37And of course, the time.
44:40Really?
44:40There's something about that.
44:41I don't like it.
44:42There, the breathiness of it.
44:43Afraid of breasts, of course.
44:45Was he?
44:45Yeah.
44:46I didn't know that.
44:47Yeah.
44:48Let's leave.
44:49Growling.
44:49Yeah.
44:51We hang up our aesthetic spurs in the sprightly sight of Bob Mortimer in Hamburg, where we indulged
44:59our mutual passion for statue.
45:02You're pointing at something.
45:04Yeah.
45:05Zitroniete.
45:06I don't know if I'm pronouncing that terribly well.
45:08And what's the story?
45:09She sold lemons.
45:11Right.
45:11By the harbour, as represented by this basket of lemons.
45:14That's just a representation of lemons.
45:16It's not actual lemons.
45:18She was sadly attacked.
45:20Because of the quality of her lemons?
45:22It's hard to know.
45:23Please don't know.
45:24An orange salesman?
45:25Someone from the anti-citrus league?
45:28I think they were a thing.
45:29But the attacks sent her into madness.
45:32Right.
45:33And here we are.
45:35And she's pointing her finger out as if offering assistance.
45:38And people are rubbing that finger.
45:40Yeah.
45:41For good luck.
45:42And it's really just a reminder of how cruel life can be.
45:45Which I also feel is what this show is about.
45:50One day, you'll be cast in bronze like this, and you'll have to decide on a finger posture.
45:55I think that's quite good.
45:56It's forceful.
45:57It's, let's see what's up there.
46:01The hoped-for answer to that inquiry is nothing.
46:06Which is also what I feel I've given to others.
46:09Farewell.
46:16To be continued.
46:16To be continued.
46:27To be continued.
46:28To be continued.
46:29To be continued.
46:31To be continued.
46:32To be continued.
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